How to Communicate with an Emotionally Unavailable partner using my BEND method, ex #5

Summary

In this insightful video, Codependency Kate explores the importance of effective communication and boundaries in overcoming emotional unavailability in relationships. She introduces her BEND method, which stands for Behavior, Emotions, Needs, and Desires, as a language of vulnerability to foster openness and understanding between partners. By observing behaviors, expressing emotions and needs, and understanding desires, couples can improve their connection and address issues more constructively. This method helps partners understand themselves better and promotes a healthier relationship dynamic.

Highlights

• The BEND method helps articulate vulnerability - Behavior, Emotions, Needs, Desires. 📢
• Observing and discussing behaviors can break cycles of insecurity and criticism. 🔍
• Internal boundaries, like emotions and desires, should be recognized before sharing. 🔐
• Expressing how behaviors affect one's internal world enriches relationship dialogues. 💞
• Proper communication might either strengthen the relationship or clarify mismatched expectations. 🔄

Key Takeaways

• The BEND method encourages expressing Behavior, Emotions, Needs, and Desires effectively in relationships. 💑
• Understanding and communicating observed behaviors are crucial for constructive dialogue. 👀
• Internal processes are vital before expressing needs and desires to avoid harsh criticisms. 🔄
• Expressing feelings about behaviors, rather than focusing solely on the behavior itself, fosters understanding. 💬
• The approach helps in recognizing where a relationship stands and whether it's conducive for both partners. 🧭

Overview

In this video, Codependency Kate sheds light on dealing with emotionally unavailable partners through effective communication. She introduces the BEND method, a structured approach to expressing and understanding emotions, needs, and desires in relationships. By focusing on the observable behavior and internal feelings, individuals can communicate more constructively.

Kate emphasizes the necessity of internal reflection before discussing matters with a partner, advising that one's behavior should be observed and analyzed in context. This helps to prevent miscommunications and uncouples behavior critique from personal attacks, creating space for healthier exchanges.

Ultimately, the BEND method not only facilitates better communication and understanding between partners but also aids individuals in gaining self-awareness. This method could either bridge the gap between partners or help them recognize if their relationship is truly beneficial, suggesting the importance of both verbal and action-based communication in relationship dynamics.

Chapters

• 00:00 - 00:30: Introduction to the Bend Method The chapter introduces the concept of emotional unavailability as a major issue in relationships and proposes effective communication and setting boundaries as solutions.
• 00:30 - 01:30: Behavior and Context This chapter titled 'Behavior and Context' addresses how a partner's emotional unavailability can impact an individual's behavior. It highlights how one may continuously seek reassurance by asking questions like 'do you love me?' or hypothetical ones such as 'if I was a worm, would you love me?' This behavior stems from insecurity caused by the partner's lack of emotional presence. To cope with this, the chapter advises observing the behavior explicitly and considering it within the context of the situation.
• 01:30 - 03:00: Internal Boundaries: Emotions, Needs, and Desires This chapter emphasizes the importance of recognizing and communicating about emotions, needs, and desires clearly within relationships. It suggests that when someone exhibits behaviors indicating emotions like anger, it is important to articulate observations explicitly. By noticing and discussing observable behaviors, individuals can better understand and communicate their internal boundaries, leading to healthier interactions.
• 03:00 - 04:00: Constructive Communication The chapter 'Constructive Communication' focuses on understanding behavior within context, emphasizing observable actions. It highlights the importance of recognizing physical boundaries in relationships, understanding that one cannot fully know what another person is thinking, feeling, or intending. It stresses the importance of not assuming authority over another's thoughts or intentions.
• 04:00 - 05:00: Implementing the Bend Method In the chapter titled 'Implementing the Bend Method,' the narrative focuses on the limitations of external observations and expressions in truly understanding emotions and personal boundaries. It emphasizes that emotions, needs, and desires are internal elements that only the individual can truly know or express conclusively. The text critiques the assumptions others might make about someone's emotional state, for instance, claiming someone is 'always mad,' asserting that such statements lack definitive proof. This highlights the danger and toxicity of emotional and verbal abuse when presumptions about someone's feelings are made without evidence. This chapter lays out the importance of recognizing and respecting these internal boundaries for healthier interactions.
• 05:00 - 06:00: Self-awareness and Relationship Insights The chapter delves into the concept of self-awareness and understanding one's internal world. It suggests that allowing external factors to dictate one's internal world can lead to a loss of self-identity. The focus is on identifying and expressing behavior, making it observable, and then analyzing it to understand the emotional impact and personal needs.

How to Communicate with an Emotionally Unavailable partner using my BEND method, ex #5 Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 emotional unavailability is the root of all evil in relationship what will actually change this in the relationship is one effective communication and two boundaries I'm going to show you a way to talk about it this is what I call my language of vulnerability L oov speaking the truth in love this is my Bend method B is for Behavior e emotions n needs D desires Bend to snap out of it corny
• 00:30 - 01:00 cheesy Call It Whatever remember it when our partner is emotionally unavailable it results in behaviors in us we might constantly seek reassurance do you love me if I was a worm would you love me if I died tomorrow would you replace me do you it it it it breeds insecurity and makes you ask all these questions about yourself notice the behavior and two put it into context behavior is what you can explicitly observe language around this
• 01:00 - 01:30 is really important if you're saying hey when you're mad at me they're like I'm not mad at you say okay when you were just talking for a little bit and then you're not talking and you're zoning out after I said something about this which is something I know which something you haven't you've explained that you don't like before be explicit and talk about what you can observe okay this is a boundar way to understand to communicate with someone so first it's noticing the behavior in in you notice your behavior
• 01:30 - 02:00 their behavior and the context that it is happening in you have to when it comes to behavior this has to be expressed observable things when you think about it when you're looking at you and your partner or even yourself there are physical boundaries there they're there for they are there for a reason you do not know what someone is thinking feeling what their intentions are you do not have the last say on that
• 02:00 - 02:30 all you can say is what you have observed so what is expressed which is what behavior is now these parts right here emotions needs desires are the in internal boundaries they are things that only you can know for sure if someone's like you're always mad at me it's like you can't possibly know that like maybe there's some truth in it right but like this is where emotional and verbal abuse like becomes so toxic is when you let
• 02:30 - 03:00 someone else dictate your internal World more than what you think kind of lose your sense of self this is what makes up your internal world and your internal sense of self so we've noticed the behavior and we've put it into expressed and observable information now what we need to do next is to figure out these three things how it makes you feel I feel I need
• 03:00 - 03:30 desires I want when you did this I do this and this is this can be an internal process I honestly think you need to do this a lot internally before you express it so you can get it right and so you can be loving about it and truthful and not hurtful okay when you're only let me say one thing when you're only talking about Behavior hey you're doing this and you're doing this this and this and this is why it's wrong you're speaking like in morality that is criticism okay when
• 03:30 - 04:00 you're only talking about Behavior it is criticism this is different when you're saying how someone's Behavior affects you affects your internal World affects how you feel affects your needs and affects your desires the goal in relationships is to be honest and open about this stuff in a constructive way speaking the truth in love hey when you shut down earlier when you looked away when you like zoned out on your phone
• 04:00 - 04:30 for 10 minutes in the middle of our conversation I felt ignored and misunderstood each in each it's important to put things in context cuz different contexts are going to result in different emotions and different things in this situation I in this relationship I really want to be connected to you I love you I care about how you feel I care about how my behavior makes you feel and I need openness and honesty that is going to
• 04:30 - 05:00 help me feel secure and trustworthy that in trusting and secure in this relationship what you're doing with this Ben method is not only communicating the innermost parts of you but you're also getting to know yourself and learning to like trust and love yourself if you can do this stuff without judgment that is the key now a lot of times we do this and we are like oh that's so stupid that we need reassurance like I do all of this for
• 05:00 - 05:30 you I cook for you I clean for you I buy you stuff I post you on social media it's so stupid that you would feel insecure when that comes up just notice it I mean we saw it in this guy's video he's like oh here we go again like she needs reassurance neither of them are really saying what is really happening okay this is not just madeup stuff by the way I'm a couple's therapist this is what I help people learn about themselves and when they Lear learn
• 05:30 - 06:00 things in this way and how to communicate it guess what no more problems either their relationship makes total sense and it like in a calm way they realize maybe it's not for them or it brings them closer to their partner again this is just the first part communicating this with with yourself understanding this in yourself and then communicating it with your partner when it comes to real relationship change it's not just words that matter it's also o actions I'll do
• 06:00 - 06:30 another video on boundaries but this is the method to use when having these issues or unwanted behaviors that you want to change