100 Avoidants Came Back, Here’s What Actually Worked

Summary

Highlights

• Discover the 'Six Doors' to reconnect with your avoidant ex. 🚪
• Genuine emotional detachment alters how your ex perceives you. 🌀
• Becoming your best self can reignite the initial attraction. 🌟
• Maintaining composure during interactions shifts dynamics in your favor. 💬
• Deploy the scarcity principle by delaying responses to gain respect. ⏳
• Setting boundaries clearly defines what you want from the relationship. 😌
• Understanding alone isn’t enough; real-world application is key. 🗝️

Key Takeaways

• Success hinges on genuine emotional detachment. 💔
• Rebuilding yourself can reignite attraction. 💪
• Stay cool and collected during reachouts. 😎
• Delay serious talks to increase value. 📞
• Set and maintain clear boundaries. 🚫
• Procedural knowledge beats just theory. 🎓

Overview

Chapters

• 00:00 - 00:30: Introduction The speaker discusses their experience in helping over 100 individuals reconnect with their avoidant partners. They highlight a common misunderstanding where people attempt to win back their avoidant partner through begging, overanalyzing communications, and trying to use logic, only to find it ineffective as their partner distances themselves further. The key concept introduced is the existence of a 'pattern' or what the speaker refers to as 'the six doors,' which presumably offers insight or strategies to better handle such relationships.
• 00:30 - 03:30: Door One: Genuine Emotional Detachment This chapter introduces the concept of 'genuine emotional detachment' as a strategic approach to dealing with avoidance. It suggests that by going through six metaphorical doors, you can significantly change the way avoidance perceives you. The chapter highlights Lauren's story as a success example, illustrating the effectiveness of achieving genuine emotional detachment. The narrative includes an interview segment with Lauren to provide deeper insights into her experience.
• 03:30 - 06:30: Door Two: Rebuilding Yourself The chapter explores a pivotal moment in the narrator's life where they reach a decision point regarding a past relationship. The narrator contemplates moving on or confronting their ex-partner about the possibility of reconciliation. During the breakup, the ex-partner mentioned needing time, which adds complexity to the narrator's decision-making process. The chapter highlights themes of self-discovery and personal growth as the narrator weighs their options and considers the best path forward for themselves.
• 06:30 - 11:00: Door Three: Keeping Cool During Reach Outs The chapter 'Door Three: Keeping Cool During Reach Outs' discusses the concept of 'genuine emotional Detachment' during the process of potentially reconciling with an ex. The narrator reflects on their journey of helping people through breakups since 2012, when they launched ex-boyfriend recovery. Over the years, they've explored what factors contribute to ex-partners returning but found significant insights from interviewing successful cases.
• 11:00 - 14:30: Door Four: Making Them Wait In the chapter titled 'Door Four: Making Them Wait,' the author discusses a pattern noticed while gathering stories for a podcast. Almost every interviewee mentioned reaching a point where they felt okay if they didn't get their ex back. This reflects a concept supported by a website called "free to attach.com," which suggests that avoidant individuals often tend to long for an ex when the person is unavailable and out of the relationship.
• 14:30 - 18:30: Door Five: Setting Clear Boundaries In the chapter titled 'Door Five: Setting Clear Boundaries', the discussion revolves around the concept of setting clear boundaries in relationships, particularly when dealing with avoidant partners. It addresses the common misconception that simply ignoring an avoidant partner, typically through the no contact rule, is enough to bring them back. The focus is on the necessity of genuine emotional detachment. The narrative follows the example of a person named Lauren, who reached a critical juncture and chose to genuinely move forward with her life rather than clinging to her past relationship. Her decision to detach emotionally, regardless of whether her ex was part of her future, demonstrates the importance of authentic boundary setting in overcoming avoidance tendencies.
• 18:30 - 19:40: Door Six: Procedural vs Declarative Learning The chapter discusses the importance of autonomy in learning. It highlights how individuals tend to shut down when they perceive a threat to their independence. However, when autonomy is respected, learners reconsider their stance and engage more effectively. This shift is illustrated through Lauren's experience, showing that removing perceived demands leads to a space where learning becomes a self-motivated choice. The chapter sets up the discussion for the next topic, which involves reconstructing oneself to rekindle initial attraction or engagement.

100 Avoidants Came Back, Here’s What Actually Worked Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 I've personally had a hand in helping over 100 people get their avoidance back it's actually way more than 100 but who's counting one of the things that always shocks me is how people think they know what work and then get blindsided when it inevitably doesn't you know they'll beg they'll overanalyze every text then they'll try to logic their way back into their avoidance heart and yet their avoidant just pulls even further away but here's the thing there's a pattern these are what I'm calling the six doors if you know how to
• 00:30 - 01:00 move through these six doors you don't just increase your chances you completely shift the way the avoidance sees you every one of the 100 success stories that I'm taking inspiration from today walked through one of these doors so let's actually step through this first door and meet Lauren who achieved what I'm calling genuine emotional Detachment all right so first let me play a clip of the interview I did with Lauren no
• 01:00 - 01:30 I I kind of reached a point where I was like I'm okay if I don't get him back so I just kind of wanted to like I came to like a fork in the road I was like I either want to move on or I want to ask him because during the breakup like one of the last things he told me was maybe I just need some time did you see it here let's take out the fluff and highlight the most important point of what she said no I I kind of reached a
• 01:30 - 02:00 point where I was like I'm okay if I don't get him back this is what I like to call genuine emotional Detachment so as many of you know I got my start helping people through breakups when I started ex-boyfriend recovery in 2012 and for years I became obsessed with understanding what actually made ex's more likely to come back but it wasn't until I started interviewing success
• 02:00 - 02:30 stories for my podcast that I started noticing a pattern that might actually hold the answer almost everyone that I interviewed said the exact words that I just played you I kind of reached a point where I felt like I was okay if I didn't get them back now why does this work well let me cite one of my favorite avoidant resources a little website called free to attached.com avoidance are free to long for an ex once that person is unavailable out of the Rel relationship and typically out of
• 02:30 - 03:00 contact now most people see that and they think oh that's easy I'll just ignore my avoidant with a no contact rule and that's what will make them come back but that's wrong this only works when the emotional Detachment is real so Lauren wasn't just pretending to be okay she actually was she hit a fork in the road and instead of clinging to the Past she chose to move forward whether that included her ex or not and that's what lowered her avoidance SC see avoidance
• 03:00 - 03:30 they crave Independence and the moment they feel like their autonomy is at risk well they shut down but when Lauren genuinely let go she stopped being a threat she stopped feeling like someone who wanted something from him and that's when his mind had space to reconsider because suddenly it was his idea all right let's move on to door number two door number two is all about rebuilding yourself into what they originally fell for
• 03:30 - 04:00 all right I actually have a fundamental problem with this one but it works and that's what this video is all about it's showing you what works meet Karina her ex had expressed that over the years she had changed due to her depression and anxiety so after the breakup Karina committed herself to some serious self-work going to the gym regaining emotional control reprogramming her mindset and at a certain point she became the confident independent version
• 04:00 - 04:30 of herself again sort of like she was at the beginning of her relationship and now let's play the clip I did a lot of thinking and I had to change because I did not want to be in that stage anymore in the depress stage and live in it oh so it's almost like he noticed the changes yes and he was like this is the person that I fell in love with yeah all right so I'm going to tell you what I think worked about this and then I'm
• 04:30 - 05:00 going to tell you my fundamental problem with it so I think it worked because it supports the common avoidant pattern you know they distance themselves when they feel overwhelmed but they're drawn back when they see emotional stability and self-sufficiency in their partner so essentially the ideal relationship for an avoidant is kind of a snapshot in time so consider my death wheel you know there are eight stages to it but really an avoidant is only happy during two of those eight stages these two stages two
• 05:00 - 05:30 and stages six which just so happened to sit parallel to one another on the wheel this was a choice that was very much by design by the way this is Sonia she posted this in my community way back in 2022 he proposed he surprised me on our walk by the lake we move into our new home together in July and the marriage is set for the fall of 2023 oh and according to her her now husband was a fearful avoiding she even linked to a
• 05:30 - 06:00 YouTube interview where she broke down exactly how she got him to propose now the big question on your mind is probably well what did Sonia do to get this kind of success well here's the thing Sonia didn't beg Chase or wait around for her avoidant to change she followed a proven framework one that's helped hundreds of people get their avoidant Partners to open up commit and even propose and this framework it's inside the cider super offer right now for you YouTube viewers only I'm giving
• 06:00 - 06:30 you everything you need to get results like Sonia's my complete course Library a private Community weekly live streams now normally I sell all of these things separately but today you're going to get everything at 50% off a one-time payment of $97 no monthly fees no hidden costs just everything you need to make your avoidant regret losing you and reignite their Obsession so if you're interested click the link in the description below and start your transformation today
• 06:30 - 07:00 but the reason an avoidant loves those stages so much is that they are low on commitment with stage two you essentially have the honeymoon period happening with Stage six you have the joy of reclaiming their freedom one of the reasons I think Karina was successful with this approach is because she got back to the version of herself that her avoidant Associates with what she was like during stage two and that's a bit of a problem by definition that means nothing will ever change eventually the death wheel will start to turn again and Ena is going to be
• 07:00 - 07:30 crushed by it here's what I think is a better approach instead of just reverting back to the version of yourself that your avoidant fell for in stage to you need to evolve into someone they can sustain a relationship with beyond the honeymoon phase now obviously this is easier said than done and we'll be here an hour if I explain this so let's just move on to door number three keeping your cool during reach outs all right so what's the typical advice that an average YouTube video teaching you how to get an avoidant to come back will recommend well you usually it's going to
• 07:30 - 08:00 look a little something like this you know do a no contact rule send a first text build report meet up in person reconnect well that's where an's success story comes into play because listening to her taught me something different on average most of the clients that I've worked with have an anxious attachment style this means that after something like a no contact rule which in and of itself irritates the anxious attachment style an anxious person is going to struggle to keep their emot ions in
• 08:00 - 08:30 check and she was a little different she refused to act needy or desperate when her avoidant reached out in fact after no contact an's ex sent her a series of messages which she deliberately didn't jump in with excitement he responded saying yes absolutely let me know if I can be involved and then it was about 10 minutes later he followed it up with something to the effect of just a personal comment I ignored that and I
• 08:30 - 09:00 responded great we'll be in touch you I'll send you a quick email and then Christine will take it from here or whatever and then he was like okay and then about 10 minutes later he messages me again how have you been so I be pretty common thing for X's after the no contact rule how have you been how are you you ignore it what do you do just ignore it and wait a I ignored it now why did this work well I think had a lot to do with perception let's say you meet
• 09:00 - 09:30 person a and this person is incredibly anxious they lack emotional control and they just make you uncomfortable this creates your perception of person a but let's say a few years go by and then all of a sudden you run into person a again they aren't the anxious version of themselves that you perceive them to be your interest suddenly spikes believe it or not there's actually an interesting psychological phenomenon that perfectly encapsulates this called the confirmation bias disruption effect so
• 09:30 - 10:00 at its core confirmation bias means we tend to seek out and interpret information in a way that confirms our existing beliefs if your avoidant ex remembers you as anxious needy or emotionally reactive well their brain will automatically expect you to act that way again let's go back to Anne for a moment when she deliberately kept her cool ignoring his hey how have you been text instead of eagerly jumping back in she may have disrupted that expectation her ex was waiting for her to act like
• 10:00 - 10:30 the old version of herself and when she didn't his brain had to reassess her entirely this led to a cognitive dissonance his brain was caught between the old an who was predictable anxious and always available and the new an who is distant unbothered and suddenly intriguing and this is where avoidance psychology kicks in avoidance crave Independence but they're also deeply intrigued by people who seem just Out Of Reach when Anne didn't chase or over engage it forced her ex into Pursuit
• 10:30 - 11:00 mode so by disrupting his confirmation bias an shifts the power dynamic in her favor which leads us to Door Number Four making them wait before serious talks so I want to stick with an's situation here because later in my interview with her something else happens that I think had a huge impact on her success after some time her ex actually asks to call her but she makes an interesting choice she delays it instead of instantly agreeing
• 11:00 - 11:30 he stopped responding to my messages and I knew he read them because I saw that he read them okay and so I waited till the next morning and he reached out Midway through the morning saying can I call you and I was like oh okay I'm not gonna jump on this so I said all right I'd like to discuss further if you've got any
• 11:30 - 12:00 thoughts but I'm busy this weekend so maybe you can call me on Sunday night I can make some time all right what is happening here well instead of rewarding his sudden interest she made him wait keeping control of the pace once again playing with his perception of her the old Anne would never have done that in fact the old Anne would have dropped everything the moment he asked eagerly picking up the phone and signaling that she was still waiting on his every move this is literally the scarcity principle
• 12:00 - 12:30 in action humans are wired to Value things that seem scarce difficult to attain or slightly Out Of Reach when something is too available we unconsciously devalue it avoidance in particular are hyper sensitive to emotional availability if they feel like someone is too eager to talk too infested or too easy to access their instinct is to pull away again by delaying the call an achieves three things she subtly signals that her life didn't revolve around him she builds
• 12:30 - 13:00 anticipation the longer he had to wait the more time he spent thinking about what she would say and she controlled the frame instead of following his lead she makes him adapt to her schedule Shifting the power Dynamic all right let's open one more door with an before we move on to a different success story door number five is setting clear boundaries you'd be shocked at how difficult it is for so many people to just set these stinking boundaries well
• 13:00 - 13:30 maybe I'm misspeaking it's not that they have trouble setting boundaries it's that they have trouble holding them when he suggested being friends she made it clear she wasn't available for that an has one clear directive she wants to get her avoidant back she doesn't want to be friends she doesn't want to be a backup plan or someone that he leans on when he's lonely but really doesn't ever want to commit to for her this was the Line in the Sand now most people panic when an avoidant suggests friendship but am
• 13:30 - 14:00 calmly rejects it without causing drama when he says like hey let's be friends did you ignore it or did you basically come out and say like I'm not interested in that I took as much of a middle of the road approach as I could I said you know what I have definitely made a lot of changes in my life at this point I'm doing a lot for myself but I wouldn't you know I wouldn't necessarily be interested in friendship I wish you the best kind of thing I think the reason
• 14:00 - 14:30 this worked is it hearkens back to the principle of door number one she'd already achieved the I'm okay if I don't get them back mentality and that just makes it so much easier for to hold the boundary so for years I've had this saying you need to be willing to lose them if you want to get them and I stand by that because here's the truth the people who get their avoidance back aren't the ones clinging the hardest they're the ones who are willing to walk away it's a paradox the more you chase
• 14:30 - 15:00 the more an avoidant runs but the moment they sense that you're truly capable of leaving for good everything shifts why because it challenges their core belief that closeness equals loss of Independence it forces them to confront the reality that you are not a permanent fixture in their life and that's when the dynamic changes that's when they start questioning whether they actually want to lose you but you can't just fake this mindset avoidance can sniff out pretense a mile away a didn't say I don't want to be friends as a
• 15:00 - 15:30 manipulation tactic she said it because she genuinely meant it she had done the work rebuilt herself reached a place where she understood her own worth she was no longer auditioning for a spot in his life and that's exactly what made her impossible to ignore which leads me to the sixth and final door procedural versus declarative so I've thought long and hard about what's behind this door I've audited over a hundred different interviews success story DMS and emails
• 15:30 - 16:00 that I've had with people who are successful at winning avoidance back I used to say that there's one thing that connects all the success stories together the ability to let go but in this latest audit I realized that's not exactly true here's what is true all we care about are the successes that's what makes this video interesting what did these 100 people do to get their avoidance back but I realized that taking only from successes gives us half
• 16:00 - 16:30 the equation we can learn just as much from the failures from the hundreds of people who wanted their avoidance back more than anything but completely screwed it up and that's when the light bulb went off the thing that separates the successful people from the unsuccessful people is procedural Frameworks versus declarative Frameworks so procedural learning is learning through actioned in experience where you adapt based on real world feedback think of it like riding a bike declarative learning is memorizing facts or steps
• 16:30 - 17:00 without necessarily understanding how to apply them in Dynamic situations think of this like studying a manual on how to ride a bike but never actually riding the bike my wife she recently told me this story about one of her friends in college she meets this girl whose dream it is to become a newscaster now this girl went to school for four years studying this one thing she was an expert she knows everything about the business inside and out and she ends up getting the gig as a newscaster but when
• 17:00 - 17:30 the time came to actually do the job she completely bombs there's a difference between knowing what to do and then actually doing it she had spent years mastering the theory understanding camera angles teleprompter pacing journalistic Integrity but none of that prepared her for the pressure of live reporting the moment the red light on the camera turns on she freezes she stumbles over her words she's losing her composure because she had never actually
• 17:30 - 18:00 practiced handling realtime stress it wasn't like she had a lack of intelligence or knowledge it was a lack of experience in adapting to unpredictable and high stakes situations and this is the biggest difference that I've been able to see with avoidance the successful people are amazing at taking what they've learned declaratively understanding avoidance psychology no contact emotional Detachment and actually applying it procedurally in real world interactions they they don't just know they need to stay composed
• 18:00 - 18:30 during a reach out they practice it even when their emotions are screaming at them to do the opposite the unsuccessful people on the other hand May memorize every strategy but when the Moment of Truth arrives they default to Old Habits over texting seeking reassurance or breaking boundaries because they've never learned how to live the strategy only how to recite it and this is why so many people fail they think they're doing everything right but when emotions get involved their actions betray them
• 18:30 - 19:00 knowing the Playbook isn't enough you have to execute Under Pressure even when it feels counterintuitive the people who succeed don't just study the game they play it adjusting their moves in real time and that makes all the difference