A Life of Struggle and Resilience

Crystal Meth and Fentanyl Addict-Sonny

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Estimated reading time: 25 minutes for the text on this page.

Summary

In this harrowing interview, Sonny shares her troubled history of addiction to crystal meth and fentanyl. She recounts the traumatic experiences of her childhood, including the death of her parents and being raised in a violent and abusive environment. Sonny describes how she turned to drugs and prostitution at a young age, eventually leading to multiple incarcerations. Despite her challenges, she expresses a desire to change and help others, reflecting on the lessons she has learned throughout her difficult life journey.

Highlights

Sonny's father committed suicide when she was a teenager, impacting her deeply. 💔
She was introduced to drugs at just 13, which began a lifelong battle with addiction. 🚬
Sonny faced intense abuse and neglect throughout her childhood, navigating group homes and institutions. 🏠
Despite years of addiction and imprisonment, Sonny speaks about her desire to change and help others. 🌈
Her dedication to quitting meth and improving her life is a testament to her resilience. 💪

Key Takeaways

Sonny's tumultuous upbringing shaped her future, leading to substance abuse. 💔
Despite past struggles, Sonny is committed to overcoming addiction and giving back. 🌟
Helping others has become a key focus in Sonny's life as she seeks redemption. 🤝
Sonny's story highlights the impact of early trauma on lifelong substance abuse. 🔄
Her journey sheds light on the complex realities of addiction and survival. 🌍

Overview

Sonny's story is a compelling and emotional journey through years of hardship and addiction. Growing up in a dysfunctional family where her father was an alcoholic and a gambler, and her mother died from a heroin overdose, Sonny’s early adolescence was marked by trauma and neglect. With a lack of stable support, she bounced between group homes and faced abuse, grappling with her identity and circumstances from a young age.

Her teenage years saw her exposed to prostitution and drugs on the streets, leading to decades of addiction and numerous stints in prison. Despite these hardships, Sonny’s story is not just about struggle but also about incredible resilience and a will to change. Her candid recount of her past reflects not only the harsh realities of addiction but also a hope for redemption and a desire to give back to her community.

Now, Sonny is focused on rebuilding her life and helping others avoid the traps she fell into. As she shares her journey with the world, she highlights the importance of confronting one's past and embracing the difficult path towards healing and self-acceptance. Her tale is both a warning and a beacon of hope for those battling similar demons.

Chapters

00:00 - 00:30: Introduction and Background This chapter introduces a personal narrative, opening with the interviewee's place of birth in Sanen, California. The focus then shifts to a traumatic event from the interviewee's childhood concerning the death of the father, who struggled with gambling and alcoholism, leading to a tense family environment.
00:30 - 05:00: Childhood and Adolescence The chapter 'Childhood and Adolescence' delves into the difficult early life of the narrator, whose mother died of a heroin overdose when the narrator was just 3 years old. After this tragic event, the narrator was raised by aunts and uncles who were also struggling with alcohol and drug issues. This unstable environment led to the narrator being moved around between different group homes starting at the age of 9.
05:00 - 10:00: Life as a Prostitute and Meth Addict The chapter discusses the challenging life of a person who moved to Napa Valley with their father, Lo. The individual describes feelings of being an outsider and antisocial tendencies during their schooling years in Napa Valley. They recount an incident of going to school with a wet shirt from splashing water in the cafeteria at lunchtime. This act wasn't just an awkward moment but also sparked concern among classmates due to visible bruises on the individual's arm, prompting peers to inquire about their well-being. Each time, to avoid revealing the truth about their struggles or abuse, they would simply claim 'I fell.' These anonymous revelations strongly hint at an underlying narrative of hardship, likely related to their experiences as a prostitute and meth addict.
10:00 - 20:00: Life in Prison The chapter titled 'Life in Prison' recounts the narrator's childhood experiences with abuse and the consequences that followed. They mention that during that time, it was common and considered acceptable to discipline children. However, in their case, what was thought to be discipline was actually child abuse, resulting in a broken arm. The narrator recalls enduring the pain for several days before social services intervened and took them away, leading to their entrance into the social system.
20:00 - 25:00: Current Life and Reflection In the chapter titled 'Current Life and Reflection,' the narrator discusses their experience with juvenile probation due to their tendency to run away from assigned homes. They reveal that these temporary emergency homes were unsafe, citing incidents of molestation. The caretakers in these homes seemed more interested in financial gain than the well-being of the children. Driven by a desire to return to a familiar and safe environment, the narrator frequently fled to their father's house, the only place they truly considered home.
25:00 - 30:00: Life Lessons The chapter titled 'Life Lessons' narrates the experiences of a child living in a children's protective home in Santa Rosa. The narrator discusses the role of a social worker who, at the age of 13, suspected that the narrator might be gay. The narrative touches on the struggles and societal perceptions faced by a young individual who is coming to terms with their sexual identity in a society that views it as a deviation.
30:00 - 31:00: Conclusion and Outro The chapter titled 'Conclusion and Outro' discusses a personal reflection of being considered 'girly' and the experiences at a social work placement in San Francisco. It details the placement at the San Francisco Boys Home, which is a main agency with a total of ten homes spread across for boys and girls. The chapter narrates the experiences of attending a private school in the Sunset district, going through some form of schooling, and engaging in culinary arts programs for two summers, which seemed unremarkable to the narrator. It concludes with a mention of running away from the home between the ages of 13 and 15.

Crystal Meth and Fentanyl Addict-Sonny Transcription

00:00 - 00:30 you know your story better than anyone where where were you born sunny I was born in sanen California sanen Valley French Camp tell me about your parents Stockton tell me about your parents my father hung himself when when I was in CA when I was 13 or 14 years old in his own own closet he was a compulsive Gambler and an alcoholic and he didn't treat me very well
00:30 - 01:00 and I went and my mother died of a heron overdose when I was 3 years old that's a rough childhood who who raised you after that Aunts Uncles who are always drinking and using and um I started getting bounced around the group homes and stuff when I was 9 years old um
01:00 - 01:30 my father Lo relocated to the Napa Valley and while I was there I went to school with a with a shirt a white shirt and it splashed water under the cafeteria because I was I was a Lon kid I was an antisocial so I would go in there in the ca cafeteria during lunchtime and his spash water they said oh my God and my arm was black and blue what happened to you and I said I fell I fell I fell every time he she did something come to me tell me tell you
01:30 - 02:00 fell so he always back then it was okay to discipline your kids so he he would wh me but I would thought thought that it was discipline for some that I did bad but it was actually child abuse my arm was actually broken and I was just a little kid and I was walking around for days with the broken arm so the social services took me away um I I got into the system back back then I ended up in
02:00 - 02:30 um a juvenile probation because I kept running away I wouldn't stay in the homes back then the temporary emergency homes for kids back then because they was molesting us and stuff they was doing you know and they were just get it they were just in it for the money and plus I wanted to run I didn't like I wanted to run away to the only home that I knew that was mine which was my father's house and so I would run run
02:30 - 03:00 run run run this is in Santa Rosa a children of uh a children's protective's home so I ended up with a with a social worker who at 13 she suspected that I might be gay or struggling with it which I was at a very early young age when I was growing up every one said there's something wrong with that that boy and
03:00 - 03:30 yeah I was I guess always kind of girly so the social work placed me in San Francisco and San Francisco boys home it's a main Agency on giri they've got five homes for boys five homes for girls private school in the sunet district they put us put us through some school they the culinary arts for two sumers all kinds of stuff that was just okay but I ran away from there from off from 13 to 15
03:30 - 04:00 I was prostituted on Pok Street my clients were 3040 50 60 70 year old men and they would give us almost anything we wanted because they didn't want us to talk about it and I would go home with them for an hour and you get the money and and come back but as a little kid I got all this money I don't have idea I can't get it
04:00 - 04:30 anywhere but I got into a lot of places in San Francisco um a a 28 year old man gave me my mer first shot of meth when I was 13 he shot me up with that much of syrup of biker dope it was a totally different drug than what they have now the stuff made you love for three days at a time it's not the stuff that's made making these people out here
04:30 - 05:00 acting the way they act I could do this stuff and I can be act perfectly normal that it's it's nothing to me but it's it's it's a poison and it's I hate what it's doing to the commity to everything and what it's done to my life for 37 years I've been reab methan fettic so we had sex for 3 days and I thought it was okay I thought it was fun I thought it was fine I was only 30
05:00 - 05:30 I was snuck into the bath houses bars I was getting picked up by all managers whoever finally the courts cut up with me at 15 and they locked me up to C until I was 20 I went from car oh Clos to Carl Holton to Preston Preston was the hardest Northern California ya they had I was the only homosexual
05:30 - 06:00 homosexual that they would let walk the trade line they had a trade line and they had a school you had to go to if you didn't have graduate you had to go full day of school and then you could go to trade I hadn't graduate but I still wanted to go to trade after two in in CA I was I was bullied I was I I was tormented
06:00 - 06:30 horrendously for being gay there was see why back then is see why is horrible horrible horrible I was kicked and spit just every day just every beat on beat on beat on beat on beat on I finally got tired of it so I picked up a broomstick one night and busted a guy in his head I took an iron and hit another guy and I just put a lock in the sock and hit another guy
06:30 - 07:00 finally they started to leave me alone I finally got depressed in my last two years and I did graphic arts a print shop where you go and do a dark room and you de develop a negative with just a a little a picture of anything and you put it in the chemicals and you do all that they don't do it that way no more I guess and you go and you take it to a a
07:00 - 07:30 you develop the film The you take it out you take it to a typ center and you make a plate of it with the chemicals and all that you go choose your paper and you go put it in a machine and you run off copies of it my special te the the entire in The Print Shop was binder I became a certified binder I could take a stack of P was this that that freshly printed and turn them into 50 50
07:30 - 08:00 page tab tablets with the backboard in between each one of them and know it's r a r at a time which is 500 sheets and put a cardboard back into the back of it and make it perfect and bring it out put set it down and put a stack of them on top of them and put these lead weights on them and take some Elmer's Glue like that and then they would all dry and I would take a knife cut them all up stack them all up put them all in the boxes put the invoice on him bam it was done
08:00 - 08:30 that was my trade I got a CIA when I was 20 years old I came to Hollywood I was a prostitute on Santa Monica Boulevard for 25 years I prosed for prostituted for 15 years as a gay boy and 10 years as a drag queen all over Hollywood
08:30 - 09:00 I became horribly addicted to meth back then I was shooting it I don't shoot meth anymore I've Still Smoked sometimes but I'm trying to get clean godamn I I'm getting clean and they are going to leave me alone after 25 years of prostituting of all things I became a full-time recycler I went almost an
09:00 - 09:30 entire year and I wouldn't take the benefits of the gr the social services or anything just to prove that I could make a living as a recycl every single day I would and I used to blow the I used to blow everybody away I get up in at 4:00 a.m. and I would recycle of course I was using meth but I didn't use meth like other people I would use I
09:30 - 10:00 would get up at 4:00 a.m. and I would smoke and I [ __ ] sh shave and clean myself up at at one time I used to be really horribly dirty I didn't care about myself I didn't shower for days at a time when I was shooting the meth none of that I I got myself out of that I did it for 20 years for the first five years I didn't hardly make any money because I was too
10:00 - 10:30 busy picking up too much of the [ __ ] I had to be taught what to recycle when to recycle and who to recycle it to where to recycle when recy recycling is all about timing I used to push two two to 400 100 lbs from sunset in Vermont to Beverly and Temple and have that load back and forth I used to come all the way from East Hollywood all the way into Beverly Hills
10:30 - 11:00 at night and loaded up with all the cart with a whole bunch of stuff that the rich people would throw out and I would take it back and I'd hustle it in the neighborhood I did everything on the street for money I used to steal I used to steal from the neighborhood I used to steal from this community I stole from every community in Hollywood West Hollywood in Beverly Hills Venice and Santa Monica and the Hollywood
11:00 - 11:30 HS I don't steal from these people anymore I haven't committed a commercial burglary in a year I went from stealing from the people on a street to just smashing the business window and taking a few things that I wanted and walking away and let the rest of the Tweakers have the rest every single day I'd go out and get new [ __ ] because I would either give it away or somebody would take it or I'd
11:30 - 12:00 lose it I lose everything I lost my life I'm getting my life back now I went to prison when I was 20 years old I did two years I got out I caught a nickel flat I got out I caught 6 years four months I got out I caught seven in some
12:00 - 12:30 change I got out I caught about three I got out I caught about two and then this last time 16 would have is it for burglaries robbery burglary assault but the assault was because I was defending myself I'm a different person than I came to this
12:30 - 13:00 town I turned into I turned into a monster and pulled myself out of that through so many things so many things so many things out there in the street don't do math just don't don't do F no
13:00 - 13:30 another I love you I love you the public out there has helped me so much I love you so you where you where you living now sunny I got out of prison December 5th I had a horrible experience traumatic experience in Downtown LA one
13:30 - 14:00 night it stuck with me a little bit they placed me at the Wine Guard it's a great place there's plenty of you know they they've offer you know every Advantage my mental state just can't handle the environment
14:00 - 14:30 outside in that area I I you know those people I had nothing against them I have nothing against none of the people in Los Angeles that I've come across I have no beef with no one every beef every [ __ ] up every everything has been de over meth and it's not worth it it's not worth my life it's not worth your
14:30 - 15:00 life and that's why I'm deciding to quit math that's why I decided to quit robbing from these people taking from these people that's why I'm devoting for the rest of my life in Los Angeles to just helping people whoever I can sometimes I help the wrong people I need to stop helping the wrong people
15:00 - 15:30 I'm lonely I haven't had sex in over a year I had sex for so many years for so many other wrong reasons I want one person to marry I'm a transgender woman you know I feel that inside of my heart but I'm also gay
15:30 - 16:00 I struggled with acceptance ases for a long time it took me a lot of years to come out and be this person in spite of the world do you think anything happened to you when you were a young child that caused this I I don't want to blame anything on my childhood of course when I was young down the street I was molested in a Little
16:00 - 16:30 Shack maybe six to seven years old every day after school went for maybe a couple years or something I don't talk about that now I'm going to hear comments from people on the street there goes that whatever you
16:30 - 17:00 know where are you going in your life I know where I'm going in M do you have friends
17:00 - 17:30 the community is my friend as a whole the addicts I want to be their friend because I'm always looking for one to kick it with to be with CU you can't make a relationship with a person and just no tweaker wants to be with nobody for free for just effects and and
17:30 - 18:00 talking and kicking it like that do you have any regrets in your life I don't regret anything I had a great aunt that used to come visit me and ya used to write me a lot of poetry and I remember every one of them in my mind and I could spit them
18:00 - 18:30 out from my mind my mouth by heart I she tell me where today or or
18:30 - 19:00 the regrets of yesterday and the worry of tomorrow or Robbie of today that's what she used to tell me and she named me Sunshine because that was the first pick tattoo I ever got little sunshine and the Department of Corrections the rest of the tach I had some more
19:00 - 19:30 that you paron me encourages the rest I got down in prison from here all the way down I did it to myself that's how I learned tell me what it's like being a a transgender woman in in LA county prison Men's prison it's California State Prison oh okay I've been in I was a level four for downn near 30 years that's the highest Maximum Security
19:30 - 20:00 Prison you can go to in California I done a Pelican Bay two uh terms uh shoe term I've been in fome state prison I've been to toah haty State Prison I've been in selenis Valley I've been in mu Creek I've been in Vacaville I've been high desert I've been to
20:00 - 20:30 Lancaster I've been to Chino I've been here at least I got 37 years in the system and state prison as a gay man or as a transgender or as a as as a [ __ ] because that's what you are in there but you can marry
20:30 - 21:00 a guy in there in there and I learned early on to Cozy up with a lifer because to a lifer you're his woman he's going to fall in love with you now he might treats you a certain way out on the yard in front of the fellas but behind that closed door he treats me like a queen there's not a desire in prison that you can't have just the same you can have on the street we get everything imprisoned we get
21:00 - 21:30 alcohol we get drugs we get sometimes we get better doany sometimes there's better drugs in the yard than there is on the street because you ain't serving no bunk dope to no convicts they'll kill you I learned how to respect people in prison they taught me respect people ask why I can walk around so many parts of Los Angeles at night and they don't bother
21:30 - 22:00 me there's no one specific people say there goes that guy that chin that used to be on the yard in prison oh leave her alone she ain't doing nothing because in prison they left me alone they don't [ __ ] with you in prison they don't victimize you in prison they do some some that some will victimize you if you let him but you have to fight
22:00 - 22:30 back but prison is what you make of it prison prison could preserve you or could destroy you I was on a yard I've been on a yards with melees riots I seen guards get stabbed I've seen countless inmates being
22:30 - 23:00 assaulted I've been assaulted I've assaulted myself I've been in cell fights where I couldn't get out I Won Won some and lost some I won more than I you know I'm a little person and prisoners tied if they're too big to handle you go pick something up I didn't bring that to the street out
23:00 - 23:30 here because it's dangerous and it give me in prison this some of the people I deal with out here I get angry at them for doing something to me if I treat him the way that we do it in prison I'd go to the penitentiary back for the rest of my life it's not worth it I used if someone Kender marel and said Sunny take that to the
23:30 - 24:00 yard I got it to the yard no question asked okay they're going to search of course they use homosexuals in there but we use them too I've had my best relationship in prison a few times I've had wonderful
24:00 - 24:30 sex for days and hours on end with beautiful convicts what behind goes on behind closed doors is nobody else's business some convicts are on the yard you never know you never know they get in behind the cell
24:30 - 25:00 door do some that they turn into a girl you know it's like okay let's like what's going on here you know we're both after the same thing right now but at that time I was a boy a boy and a girl you know so I went both ways
25:00 - 25:30 now I don't what was the best time of your life the best time of my life the best time of my life was right here oh my God the best time of my life was right here in Los Angeles right here right here in Hollywood and downtown shortly
25:30 - 26:00 and in the surrounding areas of overcoming obstacles and just surviving surviving out there day to day 37 years on the street I'm looking for transitional housing now I have full coverage medical I have I have benefits I have I have um
26:00 - 26:30 all my documentation paperwork I have a phone and I'm working on it getting me another place to live but I have to stay off meth on the street it's very hard everywhere I go people demanding me to do meth everywhere I go people are demanding that I don't Sunny please stop we love you we love
26:30 - 27:00 you that's why public they they tell me everywhere everywhere everywhere I'm partial to the Hispanic Community because I'm part Hispanic myself and they they are everything to me I am so sorry I let you down and I came
27:00 - 27:30 and un B but they taught me that that I need to start loving myself qu letting myself down Sunny let me ask you one more question what would you say is the most important lesson you've learned in your
27:30 - 28:00 life how old do you know the most important last thing in life is to be real let not be a fake person the glitch and the Glamour and all that I love it I love it I love it I love it so much
28:00 - 28:30 but you you know the real me I show the real me and I don't have anything from that that I have done good and bad I'm mostly bad on the street I've come right out front to like public and let him know
28:30 - 29:00 the type of person I'm being 247 no matter what that there's consequences for me to deal with it any I do all right Sunny thank you so much for sharing your story even though a soft white underbelly consists of a lot of videos it's really still a photography project
29:00 - 29:30 to me and if you appreciate the photography sometimes it's difficult to enjoy it when it's scrolling down the screen which is the only option I had in this horizontal format on uh on YouTube so last year we came out with the first softw underbelly book which is a collection of the best portraits from the thousands of interviews I've done each portrait in this book is accompanied by an interesting quote from the person's interview oh my God there's [Applause]
29:30 - 30:00 more wow these aren't as bad as I thought I look like a witch I will not be reprinting this book when it sells out so once it's gone it's gone for good you can order yours at softw underbelly dorg $125 $150 for a sign copy and thank you for watching