Divorce in the kingdom of God is as a result of ONE thing | Stephanie Ike Okafor @ the gathering

Summary

In this insightful discussion, key figures delve into the challenges of modern marriage, discussing divorce, selfishness, and the importance of spiritual submission. They emphasize that love is not just a feeling but a profound commitment, akin to Christ's relationship with the church. Personal anecdotes and biblical references underscore the transformational journey of marriage as both a personal and spiritual practice, advocating for true submission to God and each other as the cornerstone of a successful union.

Highlights

• Divorce in contemporary society often results from selfishness and a departure from the kingdom's perspective on marriage. 🤔
• The practice of true love, akin to the divine, requires ongoing commitment and transformation. 💞
• Marriage serves as a representation of Christ and the church—prompting partners to embody service and humility. ⛪
• Submission starts with a personal relationship with God, shaping how one submits in a marriage. 🛐
• Open and honest interactions in relationships build trust and unity, essential for marriage growth. 👫

Key Takeaways

• Divorce today often springs from self-centeredness, straying from the original divine vision of marriage. 💔
• Love is not a fleeting feeling but a transformative process that one becomes with dedication and submission. ❤️
• Marriage reflects the relationship between Christ and the church, emphasizing humility and service. 🙏
• True marriage success starts with individual submission to God before marital submission. 🕊️
• Open communication and shared accountability promote transparency and strength in relationships. 💬

Overview

The talk begins with a light-hearted confession about sneaking fruit snacks, segwaying into a serious discussion on marriage and divorce within the kingdom of God. The central theme revolves around the idea that selfish desires and lack of spiritual guidance contribute heavily to failing marriages. The importance of transforming the heart and spirit through the Holy Spirit is recognized as essential for overcoming these challenges.

Progressing into a theological perspective, marriage is portrayed as an emblem of Christ’s union with the church. It’s not merely about finding a partner but about creating a holy and transformative commitment. Discussions around the theme stress the significance of approaching marriage with humility and service, akin to the example set by Christ himself.

The dialogue concludes with practical advice on maintaining marital harmony through mutual submission and spiritual practice. Anecdotes about personal experiences highlight the need for open communication and the dangers of allowing small, seemingly insignificant issues to fester into larger problems. This conversation urges individuals to nurture their spiritual lives to support and sustain their marital journeys.

Chapters

• 00:00 - 01:30: Introduction and Personal Story In the introduction chapter, the author shares a personal story about their struggle with a sweet tooth, particularly their love for fruit snacks. Despite their husband's advice to avoid sugar, the author secretly hides fruit snacks in a laundry bag, highlighting their humorous and relatable experience with trying to resist temptation.
• 01:30 - 03:30: Marriage and Society's Standards The chapter discusses the dynamics of modern marriages and how societal standards are influencing them. Divorce is highlighted as a prevalent and somewhat taboo topic, reflecting a shift in generational perspectives and the growing acceptance of its inevitability in contemporary relationships.
• 03:30 - 05:30: Selfishness and the Holy Spirit's Role The chapter discusses the perception that the church's stance on marriage can be seen as extreme, particularly in cases of divorce. It emphasizes that the church does not advocate for remaining in toxic or abusive situations. The core issue leading to many divorces today is identified as selfishness. This is supported by a reference to Jesus's response to questions about divorce, highlighting a spiritual perspective on the matter.
• 05:30 - 09:00: Submission and Yielding to God The chapter discusses the evolution of biblical teachings regarding divorce. Originally, divorce was not intended, but Moses permitted it due to the hardness of people's hearts. Jesus reaffirms the original intent by stating that divorce equates to adultery. With the presence of the Holy Spirit, individuals now have the ability to experience inner transformation, addressing the hardness of heart that previously justified divorce. This transformation empowers people to adhere more closely to their spiritual commitments.
• 09:00 - 11:30: Personal Anecdotes - Practicing Humility The chapter titled 'Personal Anecdotes - Practicing Humility' discusses the over-simplified reasons often cited for relationship issues, such as feeling overshadowed by a partner or losing mutual affection. The narrative challenges the idea that love is something mere to fall in and out of. Instead, it is presented as a state of being that requires cultivation. The chapter criticizes applying contemporary cultural standards to the concept of marriage, which is depicted as a foundationally spiritual or 'kingdom' institution. It emphasizes that marriage historically wasn't about transient feelings or chemistry, but about a more profound commitment.
• 11:30 - 14:30: Continuous Self-Reflection in Marriage The chapter explores the concept of continuous self-reflection in marriage, emphasizing that marriage serves as a representation of the relationship between Christ and the church—Christ and his bride. It highlights the importance of prioritizing the principles of the kingdom over emotional responses, especially when addressing issues in a marriage. The narrative encourages young couples to consider how they maintain their focus on these principles during challenging times.
• 14:30 - 17:30: Role of Marriage in Spiritual Growth This chapter discusses the role of marriage in spiritual growth, emphasizing its challenges and rewarding aspects. It includes references to biblical scripture, specifically Ephesians 5, highlighting marriage as a tool for personal spiritual development. The speakers reflect on their eight-year marriage, sharing insights into overcoming the ebb and flow of marital life.
• 17:30 - 20:30: Potential Conflicts in Marriage - Cultures and Finances The chapter begins with advice given to women in marriages within a church context, emphasizing the biblical principle of submitting to one’s husband as unto the Lord. The speaker stresses the importance of practicing submission, not only to one's husband but also to God's desires for the marriage. This practice of submission stems from one’s personal routine and daily practice of submission in individual life.
• 20:30 - 25:30: Personal Control and Accountability in Marriage The chapter explores the theme of personal control and accountability within the context of marriage, emphasizing the importance of one's relationship with the Lord as foundational. It stresses that practicing submission and yielding to the Lord in personal life can ease the application of these principles in marriage. The discussion highlights a decrease in individuals being yielded in their personal relationship with the Lord, which consequently impacts their marriage. The nurturing of this divine connection is advocated for as crucial for marital harmony and success.
• 25:30 - 28:30: Conclusion: Marriage as a Tool for Spiritual Growth The chapter discusses marriage as a tool for spiritual growth, emphasizing the importance of humility and personal growth within the marital relationship. It reflects on the idea that marriage is divinely purposed and highlights the role of individual spiritual development to maintain and enrich the union. The narrative includes a personal anecdote where God intervenes in prayer, advising the individual to embrace humility to avoid being the cause of marital failure.

Divorce in the kingdom of God is as a result of ONE thing | Stephanie Ike Okafor @ the gathering Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 So, I told my husband, I'm like, I have a sweet tooth and I really need to cut out sugar. And so, the one thing I love so much was fruit snacks. And he said, "You know what, babe? You can't be doing that." And one day I told myself, "I'm grown. You know, I can have my fruit snack." And so, we have our laundry is on the first floor of the house. And so, I bought some fruit snacks, came into the house, hid it in the laundry bag. This is sad but true. And then I take the laundry bag
• 00:30 - 01:00 upstairs. I'm like, "Hey, babe. Oh, just did so much laundry. Need to go upstairs and fold it. One of the things we're seeing in our generation is just what is taking place in marriages. And I divorce sometimes feels like this hot topic. you don't want to touch it because at this point I mean every it's common you know it's creeping in everywhere and when we
• 01:00 - 01:30 and sometimes people would say oh the church is being too extreme when they talk about marriage because obviously no one is going to encourage you to stay in something that is toxic in something that is abusive that is not what we're talking about but we have to get down to what is the popular reason that divorces are happening in today's society and It really boils down to self selfishness. You know, even when they asked Jesus about divorce and he says in the
• 01:30 - 02:00 beginning it was not so. But then he says Moses permitted it because of the hardness of heart. And then he he he reinforces his stand. But that if any of you commit, you know, divorce, you are committing adultery. And why does he reinforce his stand? Because you will now have the Holy Spirit. So where you had a hardness of heart, you have the Holy Spirit to now step in and bring transformation from the inside out. But we're seeing where divorces are
• 02:00 - 02:30 happening for very basic reasons like you know this person is not letting me shine. I I'm just not we're we fell out of love. But love is not something you fall in or fall out. It's something you become. and and we are bringing all these cultural standards to something that is kingdom from the very beginning. Marriage was never just about you meeting someone that you have chemistry with and you just say yes and then when you don't feel like it, you come out of it. Marriage was always supposed to be
• 02:30 - 03:00 the display of what it means between Christ and his church, Christ and his bride. And so when we talk about the kingdom, we should also see that even in let's start with marriage, but as a young couple, what has that what what how would you speak to that when you talk about when even when you go through issues in your marriage and things like that? How do you stand on kingdom over emotions?
• 03:00 - 03:30 That's a really really good qu Yeah. Preach the whole word. That that is a really really good question. Um we've been married hallelujah eight years. Amen. Amen. And you know marriage the es and flows of marriage are not easy. Right? There's different things different forms and things that come against you. But one of the things that I've learned for myself personally when it comes to marriage is there the scripture in Ephesians 5 and I
• 03:30 - 04:00 always say this to the ladies in our church that are getting married. It says um submit to your husband as unto the Lord. And one thing that I always say to them that I've had to learn is the practice of submission in your has in in your marriage in general, not only to your husband, but being yielded to the to to what God desires in that marriage first begins with how much you have practiced it as an individual in your own life. Like in your daily daily
• 04:00 - 04:30 doings, like how yielded are you to the Lord? Because if you're practicing it with him, it will become easy. you'll be able to identify it when it comes to marriage, right? And so that's one of the key things that I find that we're seeing a decrease in that people are not as yielded in their own personal relationship with the Lord. They have not cultivated or nurtured that connection with him. So when it comes to their marriage, there isn't this
• 04:30 - 05:00 contention or this resistance in the marriage. Right? So I think for me personally, especially from my background and where I'm coming from, that's one of the things the Lord had to say in prayer. Like Susan, listen, I have set this marriage. I have purposed this marriage. However, you will be the demise of this marriage. If you are not humble, if you do not allow me to form you and shape you in our personal time,
• 05:00 - 05:30 it will become a problem in your marriage. And so over time, I have seen that as I've exercised obedience to the Lord, because you know, there's moments where we argue and I want to open up my mouth. I want to say some things, but the Holy Spirit's like, "No, no, no, no, no. Mm- mm-" And it's that if I've practiced that personally, I can practice it in my marriage. And I think that's where we need we need to get Christ back into our relationships. We
• 05:30 - 06:00 need to ask him to humble us. And every time I go into prayer and I complain about something I may not be happy with, the Lord is like, "But I want to deal with you. I want to deal with your heart. I want to deal with your mindset." I'll never forget there was a time where we had earlier in our marriage, we had a contention. And I remember going on a walk and saying, "God, speak to your son. Speak to him. I can't take it no more." You know, as you do as a Christian woman. And um and I remember
• 06:00 - 06:30 the Holy Spirit saying to me, Susan, but what are you doing? You know, and that's when the stuttering begins to happen in prayer time like but but but I remember coming back home and I remember my husband also said that he prayed also. I remember coming back home and us coming together and he said the Lord spoke to him too. And so that reconciliation would have not happened if I was not submitted to the Lord. And so I really do believe and this is something I
• 06:30 - 07:00 really want to because we're hearing so much about divorce even within our groups and the people that we know. Um something that I would say is get back to your first love. Stay yielded to your first love. That's the only way you will see prosperity and fruitfulness in your marriage. That's what I would say. [Applause] Amen. I was getting scared she was going to expose me. Amen. Um, sensitive topic. As you were
• 07:00 - 07:30 speaking, um, Pastor Stephanie, I was thinking about the scripture in second Timothy that speaks about in the last days, people become lovers of themselves, money, proud, slanderous, etc. Then it says in verse 5, having the appearance of godliness but denying its power. Verse seven says, "Always learning and never able to arrive at the
• 07:30 - 08:00 knowledge of the truth." So my submission is that my generation knows a lot but possess little. My generation will invest in the appearance of a day and not build a foundation for the marriage. And some would argue that they do, but I think the self work we're talking about here in where if we cannot practice honesty with thine self, it'll be very
• 08:00 - 08:30 hard to practice honesty with your spouse. So I know in in our context in our marriage, anytime it gets real hot, there's a a level of plank in my eye that somehow I'm focusing on the speck in my perfect wife's eye. Amen. And and if I was ever to complain to the Lord, he would always address me first. So if we're going to talk about love, husbands, love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for
• 08:30 - 09:00 her. There is a posture as a husband that my wife doesn't earn my love. She doesn't work for my love. Doesn't have to um you know um wait for my love. This this love is something I freely give. based on the posture I have with the Lord and how he loves me. The Bible says a man that loves himself loves his wife. So I just believe that um husbands and wives need to um invest in not having an
• 09:00 - 09:30 appearance but actually seeking the power to live out a kingdom marriage which looks like lives submitted to Christ. Now, Pastor Shal, I believe you've been married for over 25 27 years. Tomorrow, one period. Period. Pastor, should I give us some some advice? Because the truth is there are some people in the room and maybe you're
• 09:30 - 10:00 the one who filed for divorce or you agreed when your spouse wanted to file. And nothing in God is about condemnation. It's just about truth. Jesus was full of truth and grace. And in these moments because when when we see that we are serving self over Christ, then as you reflect, it's a time for repentance. That Lord, you know what? In that place, I chose me over you. Because just the same way Christ
• 10:00 - 10:30 chose us. Can you imagine if he just got fed up with us? If he's just like, "Oh, I cannot stand you on a Tuesday." you know, but it is to demonstrate. It is a display of the love between Christ and his bride. And if you're hearing this and you're feeling shame or you're feeling judged, I want you to know that is not the voice of God. That is not what we're saying. What we're saying is that we have to be able to identify truth so that we know when to call to come before the Lord in repentance to
• 10:30 - 11:00 say, "Lord, in this place, I chose me. But I'm coming before you to say, I'm no longer going to live that type of life of choosing selfpleasure over what I'm called to be on this earth, which is to be an ambassador for your kingdom." But pastor, should I give us some advice when it comes to 27 years outgoing and and more? I'm still a learner, but but I I have a few thoughts. I mean um marriage, I always say, is God's
• 11:00 - 11:30 secret uh strategy for disciplehip. Yeah. Um if you want to grow as a Christian, get married. Yeah. because it it would help your character formation. And um somebody said some years ago that marriage was never meant me meant to make you happy. It was designed to make you holy. Now the reason why we have a lot of divorces, one of the reasons is because marriage is about a clash of
• 11:30 - 12:00 cultures. You know um the husband is coming from one place, wife. So I I grew up in Nigeria most of my life, half of my life. My wife grew up here you know from about 10 11. So the Nigerian culture is different from the Anglo-Sized one. So apart from their they are family cultures. So we have a mix of cultures and the the challenge is when two people the Bible says can two work together unless they be agreed?
• 12:00 - 12:30 No. The secret to marriage is continuous agreement. And for you to be agreed continually, somebody has to submit. Or let's put it this way, both of us have to submit. I'll give you a real scenario. Um my I keep it short. I I I want to eat at home tonight. So I I need to be careful. But the point the point is this. We we we we got when we got
• 12:30 - 13:00 married, Yeah. I I was the only earner and so it made sense, you know. So my money is our money. So my wife two years in gets a job as a solicitor. The day she gets paid, I don't see her and I'm wondering where she is. And she comes home with shopping and all. I said, "Where do you go?" He said, "Oh, I went shopping." I said, "With what money?" She said, "My money." I said, "My my what?" He said, "Well, I got paid." The long story short is, you
• 13:00 - 13:30 know, I said, "Well, when I was earning, it was our money." He said, "No, no, no, no, no." He said, "Where she comes from, the woman keeps the money." I said, "Well, in this house, we do kingdom culture, not not." So, it's either because the kingdom of God is righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost. There's no righteousness in that. There's no peace right now and
• 13:30 - 14:00 if we don't change the scenario there won't be any joy. So so so we need to sit down and and you know as it were decide how we want to work this is either my money is my money your money is your money or our money is our money. Guess what she said? Well I was I I I have remained the higher earner up until now. So our my our money is our money and that's the kingdom way. We we sorted it out that way. Yeah.
• 14:00 - 14:30 No. No. I love that so much because there are things that you're learning about each other even, you know, for those as you're thinking about marriage or maybe you're finding difficulties even in a marriage currently like you're going through it. Um I know with my husband, Brenda knows this, before I got married, I I was a very controlling person. not very just controlling. I just like things the way I like it and I don't like people telling me what to do. I feel like I'm grown, you know. And then I marry a man.
• 14:30 - 15:00 My husband is literally God's gift to me. But in Amen. But in that gift is a man who cares for you and and is intentional about you being the best you. But the truth is sometimes we don't want that accountability. Sometimes I want to eat a donut at midnight and my husband is like, "No, this is not healthy for you." This is a random but
• 15:00 - 15:30 true example. And in those moments, it's like, "Do I have to submit to that or could I hide my donut?" And I I'm giving you just the little things that if you don't bring it before the cross, it grows into a big thing. And so my husband is someone who does not do sugar. He's just no. And he recognizes I'm literally the one you know, you know how you can tell someone like be my accountability partner in
• 15:30 - 16:00 this, but you don't really want accountability, right? So that's why you have friends and then you keep the distance of like they're not in your home, they're not seeing what you're doing. And so I told my husband, I'm like, I have a sweet tooth and I really need to cut out sugar. And so the one thing I love so much was fruit snacks. And he said, you know what, babe? You can't be doing that. And one day I told myself, I'm grown. You know, I can have my fruit snack. And so we have our laundry is on the first floor of the house. And so I bought some fruit
• 16:00 - 16:30 snacks, came into the house, hid it in the laundry bag. This is sad but true. And then I take the laundry bag upstairs. I'm like, "Hey, babe. Oh, just did so much laundry. Need to go upstairs and fold it." And as I went upstairs, I made sure like, "Okay, nobody's coming up the stairs." And I just went there. I was eating one fruit snack after the other. And the Holy Spirit said to me,
• 16:30 - 17:00 "Once you're done whatever you're doing, go let your husband know." I said, "Oh no. Oh. Oh, no. But you see, the enemy thrives in our darkness. It's little things because if I hid that from him, the next time he wants to hold me accountable, then the voice of bitterness will begin to whisper. Like, why do you have to listen to him? And then it grows into something else and it grows into something else. A lot of times when you see a marriage
• 17:00 - 17:30 that feels like it has reached its breaking point, if you are able to trace the root, it was something so insignificant. And I remember just going to him and I'm like, "Babe, um, I have a confession." And he looked at me like, "What happened?" I said, "I hid some fruit snacks in the laundry bag." He said, "When did it even come in?" I said, "You don't know." And while I was folding laundry, I was finishing the box of fruit snacks. and we just had a loving conversation
• 17:30 - 18:00 and but it was in those moments just like Susan said your yieldness to the Holy Spirit would correct you and bring guidance into your life and it's like Stephanie if you you desired a man who would be accountable who would who would want to see you be the best that you are and that comes with you letting go of your control. I had to learn how to submit but there are things that you seek the Lord. Yes, it may not feel comfortable. Yes, it may feel like a stretch. But just like Pastor Shalah
• 18:00 - 18:30 said, marriage is going to is disciplehip. It will shape you into the person the Lord desires you to be.