Every Rule I Followed as a Mormon (Coffee Can Keep You Out of Heaven)

Summary

In her insightful and candid video, Alyssa Grenfell, an ex-Mormon author and content creator, details the extensive, nuanced rules she followed while a member of the Mormon Church. She shares her personal journey of navigating these rules, shedding light on the church's expectations, including the Word of Wisdom's prohibition on coffee and tea, modesty standards, and the complex doctrine of dating and marriage. Alyssa explores the impact of these doctrines on personal freedom and autonomy, ultimately offering a critique of how these rules might affect diverse members differently. Her video serves as a guide for those considering joining the church, presenting a deep dive into the rules that govern Mormon lives, while offering support for those transitioning out of Mormonism.

Highlights

• Alyssa's first coffee experience at 23 after leaving the Mormon faith. ☕️
• Detailed rules about mission attire, like no rolled-up sleeves. 👔
• A discussion about modesty including the expectation to wear special religious garments. 👚
• Dating restrictions for Mormon youth, including group dates until 18. 👫💃
• The rationale and debate around the prohibition of coffee and tea in the church. 🍵🛑
• Personal stories of balance between religious obligations and personal freedoms. ⚖️
• Effects of church rules on different demographics within Mormonism. 🌍
• Alyssa's insights on how leaving the church changed her personal beliefs and lifestyle. 💃🌀

Key Takeaways

• The Word of Wisdom prohibits coffee and tea, often raising questions about its logic beyond caffeine content. ☕️⚡️
• Mormon modesty standards extend to specific dress codes and even dictate underwear. 👗🤭
• Dating and marriage within Mormonism are structured with age and behavior rules, influencing young adults' choices heavily. 💑📜
• The church possesses significant financial expectations from its members, including a tithe of 10% and covering missionary expenses. 💸📈
• Mormonism can create an echo chamber with its intense focus on community and service, impacting personal freedom. 🗣️🔍

Overview

Alyssa Grenfell opens up about the multitude of rules she adhered to as a Mormon, giving viewers a peek into the life dictated by these detailed norms. Her witty and honest take on abstaining from coffee and modifying daily attire to meet religious expectations highlights the sometimes puzzling nature of these rules. Through her storytelling, Alyssa paints a vivid picture of religious dedication and the strain it can place on personal identity.

Through extensive personal anecdotes, Alyssa explains the dress codes, dietary laws, and relational guidelines enforced by the church. Her recounting of the church's Word of Wisdom reveals how entrenched these rules become in daily life and how they shape behaviors and beliefs. The video is both educational for the curious and a breath of fresh air for those who’ve experienced similar constraints and are navigating life beyond the church.

Alyssa's narrative isn't just about justifying her transition from Mormonism — it's a heartfelt discourse on personal autonomy and understanding religion’s role in one's life. Her journey from unwavering adherence to questioning these rules helps viewers reflect on the essence of freedom and choice. This discussion on Mormonism serves as both a cautionary tale and a supportive guide for those pondering their own faith journeys.

Chapters

• 00:00 - 00:30: Introduction The chapter introduces Alysa Grenfell, an ex-Mormon author and content creator. She shares personal anecdotes from her past, such as avoiding coffee, tea, and face cards due to her religious beliefs. The introduction sets the stage for Alysa's journey and experiences that she will share in the subsequent content.
• 00:30 - 01:00: Mormon Rules Overview The chapter discusses the extensive set of rules that members of the Mormon Church are expected to follow. Unlike the Ten Commandments, which are more widely recognized in Christianity, Mormonism has numerous additional rules, making it difficult to cover them all in one discussion. The author mentions finding a comprehensive online list containing 613 different rules, highlighting the complexity and extensive nature of Mormon practices.
• 01:00 - 01:30: Black and White Thinking and Rules The chapter discusses the concept of black and white thinking, highlighting the lack of nuance and absolutist perspectives that can arise from such thinking. It shares a personal anecdote about being a teacher at the Missionary Training Center (MTC) and observing how rules, like missionaries not being allowed to roll up their white sleeves, embody this black and white thinking. The story serves as an example of how rigid interpretations and stereotypes, such as the 'bad boy' stigma associated with rolled-up sleeves, manifest in certain environments, particularly within Mormon culture.
• 01:30 - 02:00: Mormon Dress and Appearance Standards The chapter discusses the dress and appearance standards for Mormon missionaries, specifically focusing on rules regarding sleeve lengths. Missionaries are required to either wear short-sleeve white shirts or have their sleeves fully buttoned at the cuff. The transcript describes an incident at the Missionary Training Center (MTC) where an elder was called out for having his sleeves rolled up, contrary to the standards. The elder questioned the importance of this rule, suggesting that he was still adhering to the dress code by wearing a white shirt.
• 02:00 - 02:30: Rules about Chastity This chapter discusses the expectations for missionaries to dress in a manner that represents the Savior. Although there might be assumptions about wearing formal attire, such as a white shirt with a collar, the reality is that the Savior himself dressed in a robe. The focus is on the symbolic representation rather than the literal outfit.
• 02:30 - 03:00: Rules about Coffee and Tea The chapter 'Rules about Coffee and Tea' explores the peculiarities and strictness of certain rules, using the example of a seemingly trivial rule: not rolling up sleeves. It suggests that such rules are often justified through religious or divine reasoning, attributing these mandates to a higher power like the 'Son of God', even if they might appear minor or odd to others.
• 03:00 - 03:30: Relationships and Marriage The chapter delves into the topic of relationships and marriage, focusing on a video shown to young adults about the principle of chastity. The narrator emphasizes that this video is not only about chastity itself but also highlights a fundamental principle prevalent throughout Mormon teachings. The importance of seemingly small details, like how one's sleeve is rolled, is underscored, suggesting that these nuances are meaningful in the cultural and religious context.
• 03:30 - 04:00: Modesty and Body Image The chapter discusses the concept of modesty and body image, emphasizing the importance of understanding personal limits in sexual involvement. It highlights the common issue where individuals are told not to engage sexually but are not informed about the boundaries. The discussion warns against testing these limits, using the analogy of a waterfall to illustrate the potential dangers of pushing boundaries without awareness.
• 04:00 - 04:30: Mormon Views on Race The chapter discusses the perspective of the Mormon faith on race, particularly focusing on finding a balance between adhering to the law of chastity and engaging in relationships. Individuals within the faith are concerned about understanding the boundaries of chastity to avoid disappointing God, yet also wish to prepare for marriage. The guidance provided is to maintain a conservative approach, staying far away from crossing the lines of impropriety.
• 04:30 - 05:00: Summary and Personal Experience The chapter discusses the importance of avoiding situations that may lead one to metaphorically 'fall over the edge.' The author uses the example from their childhood where their family referred to their coffee table as the 'living room table' to avoid any association with evil or temptation. This reflects a mindset of steering clear of potentially dangerous situations, even if the boundary lines are not always clear-cut.
• 05:00 - 05:30: Monetary Expectations This chapter, titled 'Monetary Expectations,' explores a mindset prevalent in Mormon theology where adherents not only follow the rules but also make significant efforts to distance themselves from potential sins. The idea is not merely to obey rules but to position oneself far from the temptation of sin, ensuring that one remains a good Mormon and a good person. This approach to morality and rule-following is essential to understanding the religious beliefs discussed here.
• 05:30 - 06:00: Community Involvement and Expectations The chapter discusses concerns about joining the Mormon Church, emphasizing that potential members should seek full information before making a decision. It highlights criticisms of the church's transparency, especially regarding practices like temple ceremonies. The speaker urges viewers to be fully informed and suggests watching additional videos for more details on what joining entails.
• 06:00 - 06:30: Conclusion and Next Steps The chapter discusses the extensive list of rules or standards, specifically mentioning a list of 613 rules. It emphasizes how these rules apply not only to the individual joining the organization but also to their descendants. The importance of being aware of these expectations before committing to the organization and beginning to contribute financially (at the mentioned rate of 10%) is highlighted.

Every Rule I Followed as a Mormon (Coffee Can Keep You Out of Heaven) Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 I did not have a cup of coffee until I was about 23 because I thought that if I drank coffee God would not let me through the Pearly Gates on top of coffee I also thought it was bad to have tea I thought I should never use face cards because those were against God's law as well and I also covenanted in a holy Temple that I would avoid loud laughter hi my name is Alysa grenfell I am an ex Mormon author and content creator and welcome to today's video all
• 00:30 - 01:00 about the rules that I was expected to follow as a member of the Mormon Church while I'm sure it's fairly common for people to be used to something like the Ten Commandments within Christianity Mormonism has so many other little rules that it's almost hard to quantify all of them in a single video the most comprehensive list I could find online I will link below and it had 613 different rules that members of the church are expected to follow I think this video will really show how much Mormonism
• 01:00 - 01:30 really really focuses on black and white thinking there's not a lot of nuance especially in the way that I was raised for example one of my favorite stories is when I was a teacher in the MTC and as missionaries Mormon missionaries uh the men are not allowed to roll up their white sleeves so some men might you know roll their sleeves up so that they're at the elbow and in Mormonism I feel like The Stereotype is that this gives you a bit of a bad boy look uh but
• 01:30 - 02:00 missionaries are not allowed to roll up their sleeves they can either wear short sleeve white shirts or they have to have their uh sleeves all the way buttoned at the cuff and so when I was at the MTC we had this big meeting about dress and appearance and one of the elders had his sleeves rolled up and he got called out during the meeting as someone who was breaking the dress and appearance standard and he stood up and the Elder actually basically said I don't see why it's that big of a deal I'm still wearing the white shirt this still to me
• 02:00 - 02:30 something that should be okay and the teacher got a little flustered because missionaries don't often talk back and the missionary teacher said well remember that we are embassies of the Savior and we are here to represent him and so I think that we should dress exactly as the Savior dressed keep in mind this is how the Savior dressed the Savior did not historically wear a white shirt with a collar uh he wore a robe I
• 02:30 - 03:00 guess that's how he's usually depicted wasn't there myself can't tell you for sure but I just feel like that's one little bit of a an example of a time when there's a rule don't roll up your sleeves and it's it's not just hey that's against the code but it's brought back to the literal Son of God as the reason to why God doesn't want you to have your sleeves rolled up halfway that the most powerful omnipotent being you know in in the entire universe deeply
• 03:00 - 03:30 deeply cares about how your sleeve is rolled or not as a young man I also wanted to show a short clip of a video I was shown often as a young adult this is a video that is meant to teach about Chastity the reason I wanted to show this video is not just because of what it teaches about Chastity but also the underlying principle that really pervades all of Mormonism here's the video and then I'll explain teenagers some sometimes wonder they always tell
• 03:30 - 04:00 us we shouldn't become sexually involved but they never tell us the limits what are the limits the problem with this question is that some people think if they can identify certain limits that they can still get as close to those limits as possible and still be okay but like floating down a river without knowing about a waterfall ahead trying to get close to the limits is not a very smart idea so the video presents this example right the example of the waterfall and the waterfall is presented as the rule
• 04:00 - 04:30 and with the law of Chastity they want to figure out how what is the line cuz I don't want to cross the line I don't want to go too far and disappoint God but I would like to date I would like to prepare to marry someone what physically am I allowed to do and not you want a line so they're saying even if the line does exist which we'll talk about the line in a bit you should be so far away from that line that there is not even in
• 04:30 - 05:00 a danger of you falling over the edge an example of this is growing up we didn't even call our coffee table a coffee table we called it the living room table because there's a sense of not even wanting to approach the appearance of evil not even wanting to get close to falling off the edge of the waterfall this type of thinking while I suppose somewhat makes sense because you know it's hard to some of these lines are fuzzy it's hard to define the exact
• 05:00 - 05:30 line of Chastity however I think it also creates a mindset in which you are so afraid of sin that you will stand 10 to 20 steps back away from the sin in order to ensure that you are going to be saved that you're still a good Mormon that you're still a good person and so I wanted to start this video with explaining that mindset because understanding that it's not just about the rule but that it's staying as far back from the rule as possible is kind of fundamental to Mormon theology
• 05:30 - 06:00 Doctrine policy whatever you want to call it if you are considering joining the Mormon Church which from comments I think a lot of people who come to my videos are doing more research before they choose to join I do think you should watch this entire video because I believe a lot of joining the Mormon church is uh that they conceal information so you don't join the organization with sufficient uh informed consent so they don't for example tell you about the temple if you'd like to learn more about what happens in the temple please watch my video however
• 06:00 - 06:30 it's not even just the temple this laundry list of rules you know 613 from that one list more probably if someone really sat down and thought about it these are the standards that you will be held accountable to but not just you your children their children if you are joining this organization the list of expectations is so incredibly long that I think you should at least know what they are if you're going to choose to join and begin T and to begin giving 10%
• 06:30 - 07:00 of your income to this church final quick disclaimer as I already kind of prefaced with that video this specific video will discuss some more adult topics like substance use and sexuality sex so before so before we continue please just be aware that those are topics discussed in this video let's start with coffee because I think that's the entry point to Mormon rule Mania that a lot of people are the most familiar with and the one that probably makes the least sense so Mormons follow a health code called The Word of Wisdom
• 07:00 - 07:30 that's what it's referred to within the faith and this was a uh scripture essentially given to Joseph Smith uh back when he was organizing the church and it was meant to be a health code given to the Saints for them to follow over time it has morphed quite a bit people didn't used to take the word of wisdom quite as seriously as they do now for example it used to be that they didn't ask about the word of wisdom when you got your temple recommend so and so it's more of a suggestion than a hard and fast rule but but once they made it
• 07:30 - 08:00 so that you had to follow these rules to enter the temple people started taking it much more seriously the health code prohibits a lot of different substances and I think you know you can have alcohol so I didn't have any alcohol till I was 23 24ish um and that to me I think most people understand you know abstinence from alcohol probably pretty good for your liver right um the same thing goes for all other substances tobacco vaping weed that kind of thing all of that is off limits uh coffee is
• 08:00 - 08:30 also on the list and uh the most common question I get with coffee is like why you know um and people usually say oh it must be because of the caffeine right caffeine makes you jittery it's a little addictive you know it's not very good for you so it's because of the caffeine right no it actually isn't uh because Mormons do love their Monster energy drinks uh their Red Bulls caffeine is to
• 08:30 - 09:00 you know even Dr Pepper coke diet coke those are all well loved within the Mormon community so it is not about caffeine it's also not you know about sugar most of those drinks I just listed are really sugary coffee you can take black and it's not as much sugar obviously as a Red Bull um but the the the reason coffee is prohibited is just the coffee itself uh nothing more so and the same goes with anything with the word coffee in it so coffee cake I wouldn't have growing up if you have
• 09:00 - 09:30 some sort of like coffee candy you're not going to have that so it's really just if it has the word coffee and it's nothing about the coffee in particular if you really drill down into the rule um and even on my mission that was one of my biggest difficulties is trying to get people stop drinking coffee because people don't get why they have to do it and people love coffee I love coffee uh it makes sense why people don't want to get rid of it unless they have a good explanation and essentially the way that
• 09:30 - 10:00 my mission taught us to explain it to people who wanted to join the church is God sometimes gives us rules that we don't understand to test our faith and to show that we're willing to follow him and so this is a rule that almost exists purely to prove you can follow rules that's how it was presented to me on my mission some some people will say oh well there's this one study this one
• 10:00 - 10:30 time that showed you know coffee is bad for you in this way or this and that so PE people do try to kind of explain it away uh but certainly there's never been any compelling enough evidence that a doctor you know doctors everywhere start saying don't drink coffee anymore uh coffee you know alcohol was illegal during prohibition and coffee has never been illegal because there just is not enough proof it's bad for you Mormons are also not allowed to have tea but they are allowed to have herbal tea so the tea conversation is another one
• 10:30 - 11:00 that's kind of funny cuz the tea is kind of based on the caffeine content it's basically if it's brewed so um black tea is not allowed chai is not allowed but if you had an herbal lemon ginger tea that would be allowed so it's not just you know in the word of wisdom it says it's about hot drinks but you can have hot drinks you can't have iced coffee as much as the human brain wants some logical reasoning behind this rule it just honestly doesn't really exist so
• 11:00 - 11:30 it's just about rule following you know I did mention drinking uh drinking is completely off limits no you know my family we would not even have food that was made with alcohol so if like there was cooking wine used we wouldn't eat that I also think there's an element of avoiding evil avoiding the appearance of evil I would not go into a bar when I was Mormon I remember my husband once picked up some wine for his mom who has not been Mormon since she was 20 and she
• 11:30 - 12:00 asked him to go grocery shopping and pick up some wine and I got so upset at him when we were I think we were still dating at that point because I felt like he had done he had sinned essentially by purchasing the wine because that that is me on the waterfall right you're not drinking it I'm not even mad it's not like I'm mad you that you drink it I'm mad that you even purchased it so we're staying we have this line but we're also avoiding even appearing to to be close to the line and we had that was one of
• 12:00 - 12:30 our first disagreements was me you know getting upset that he would help his mom out by buying a bottle of wine if you dig in enough to the word of wisdom there are other aspects like it says to eat meat sparingly it says to eat fruits and veggies in their season you know there there are other aspects which are other kind of pretty good advice for health but morphins don't really focus on that stuff nearly as much as they focus on the substances it's not like if you talk to a Mormon they'll have
• 12:30 - 13:00 similar strength of feelings about eating meat sparingly and not drinking coffee uh one is definitely more focused on when it comes to the word of wisdom than the other next I wanted to discuss the rules around dating and marriage but before I do I wanted to explain a little bit about how the rules have changed over time I mentioned it some with the word of wisdom and how it has become more front and center within Church culture as the church has grown over time a lot of the rules have kind of fundamentally changed there's something
• 13:00 - 13:30 there's a pamphlet that I was given as a youth called the for the strength of Youth pamphlet and they've released several different editions of this and each Edition has its own new take which also almost is borrowing from the culture at large in which these teens are growing up so if you read one of the original pamphlets I'll put a screenshot here about modesty and wearing you know what you're allowed to wear what you're not allowed to wear it really explicit licitly says don't wear bikinis don't
• 13:30 - 14:00 wear you know immodest things and it speaks very specifically to what girl should wear that kind of a thing when I was growing up I had this version of the further strength of Youth pamphlet and the the verbiage changes it doesn't mention bikinis expressly it does say a few other things which I'll get into in a bit it's still though pretty specific about how modesty should look and what you should wear now we go forward in time a little bit to to now they've updated the fur the strength of Youth
• 14:00 - 14:30 Panther again and the verbiage is so much more vague and much more about you know following Jesus Christ and showing that the Savior that you love him through your dress and appearance and much more like a soft you know follow the spirit versus here's what you can wear here's what you can't wear so this Evolution over time really impacts I think the way people view these rules because I can very well get online and say like I don't look that old it's not like I'm in my ' 80s or ' 90s um I was a youth you know I'm 31 now so
• 14:30 - 15:00 I was a youth maybe 15 years ago but often the experiences that I describe are wildly different from what people in the comments are saying they experience now but then there are other comments of people saying yeah that's totally true that's how it is in my family so you know I think region to region is different you know if you live in Utah if you live in New York if you live in Argentina it's all going to be a little bit different and it's going to be colored by your culture that you're growing up in it's probably also going
• 15:00 - 15:30 to be color colored by you know the type of Mormon your parents are by you know the percentage of people around you who are Mormon if you're the only one in your high school if you're one of 500 in your high school so these rules that I'm explaining you know I would say almost no Mormons ever drink coffee that's a pretty hard and fast rule but some of the rules like modesty uh are a little bit more Loosey Goosey um and it's a little bit harder to say like this is the absolute rule because they've
• 15:30 - 16:00 evolved it a lot over time but then also within each congregation it's going to be a little bit different depending on where you are and who you are I also think when I say these are the rules and I I couldn't do this growing up often I'll have people say you know you can do whatever you want but here's the thing with that argument um you can very well say oh well no you know no one's like forcing you to do any of these things you know it's a choice we have free
• 16:00 - 16:30 agency the choices though that they're presenting are you know don't drink coffee which shows you love God and you'll be able to be with your family in the Celestial Kingdom forever and for all eternity or drink coffee and you know go to the telestial kingdom never see your family again and God you know you've shown God you don't love his commandments so when those are kind of the two opposite sides of the choice it's not like drink coffee or don't it's your choice you choose what do you want
• 16:30 - 17:00 to do it's uh be damned or be saved th those are the choices right I will also say I was talking to my mom about the changes in the for the strength of Youth pamphlet and I said you know why do you think that they my mom is still very active in the church I asked why do you think they changed the the fourth strength of Youth pamphlet and she said I think the church is just trying to be much more centered on Jesus Christ and try to teach people to make their own choices instead of relying so heavily on a strict list of rules that we follow without question and my followup to that
• 17:00 - 17:30 was oh like that's that sounds great more personal autonomy what do you think that means they're going to get rid of the rule that you can't drink coffee and she was like oh no no no no uh you know just like oh that's ridiculous they're never going to get rid of that rule so you know as much as I think that members are kind of like oh look at us so Progressive having people rely on personal revelation over this
• 17:30 - 18:00 long list of rules when presented with another rule like truck coffee uh they're like oh well that's that's different that's fundamentally different you know so I you know I get where she's coming from I do think it's good that they are stepping back from this very rigid set of rules but I think that also ultimately at its core the church is always going to be so heavily focused and obsessed with rule following as I showed you in that video it's not even
• 18:00 - 18:30 about the rule it's about staying 10 to 20 to 30 steps back from sin and being as pure as possible let's talk about dating and marriage this is a doozy because there is so much conversation about how to date when to date who to marry blah blah blah so let's jump in uh the first let's start with dating uh since that involves you know coming up through this whole experience of you know going from being a teenager to marriage to having children so when I was growing up dating before you were 16 was completely against the rules and
• 18:30 - 19:00 that is still the case let me read from the actual church handbook on the Internet it's do not date until you are at least 16 years old dating before then can lead to immorality limit the number of other young people you meet and deprive you experiences that will help you choose an eternal partner so uh that was a big Rule and there was a lot of sneakiness because you know I would say kids start wanting to date around 12 uh so I would have friends would kind of try to sneak and almost you know like in
• 19:00 - 19:30 elementary school where you're dating but you don't speak to each other that was I think that's kind of common where it's like a lot of crushes but nobody's fully going on dates uh so prior to 16 it's very you know against the rules to be dating but I think some people kind of bend the rules there's some holding hands maybe kissing but most people like I didn't date anyone till I was 16 after you turn 16 you then have to only do group dates group dates are what are encouraged till you're 18 so uh similar
• 19:30 - 20:00 to the same explanation there if you pair off when you're 16 you're limiting the number of young people you meet and they want you to kind of I think keep your options open I also think it's about you know if you're pairing off at 16 you could get into some hanky panky and they don't want that either so group dates are what is expected and I I did kind of pair off when like before I was 18 but then when we would go on dates I would always go with the same person but
• 20:00 - 20:30 often go on group dates and that was kind of more of the expectation we would like hang out at that person's house when I was dating him and not like go on dates so I think that was kind of a way of skirting around this rule like we're not going on dates we're hanging out like there just the two of us you know the rule but you try to figure out ways to skirt around the rule so we're not dating we just hold hands but we're not dating or we go on group dates but we're always just with each other and we're
• 20:30 - 21:00 paired off but because we're on a group date it's okay so there's a lot of I think kind of mental gymnastics going on to kind of be able to do what you want to do but still be following the rules after you turn 18 it is open season and then it's Full Speed Ahead with trying to get married I will say uh when men boys turn 18 they're supposed to go and serve missions uh so that's typically what men do first as soon as they turn 18 they put in their mission papers and they go for the two-year Mission which I've described on other channels girls
• 21:00 - 21:30 are not as expected to go serve missions um a lot of my friends I had who went to BYU got married at 19 20 I got married at 22 so I was kind of an old maid at that point but it's very much seen as 18 girls start dating returned missionaries so 21 22 year olds guys go on their mission for 2 years so that kind of is what changes in the dating you know scene when once everybody starts turning
• 21:30 - 22:00 18 I will say too even before you're 16 at least for women you hear and talk about your future Eternal companion all the time um like in church lessons in you know young women's meetings I used to you know I I think for a while when I was writing my journal I'd be like writing my journal to my future spouse in church meetings you know young women's lessons I would be encouraged to write letters to my future spouse you know dear future husband I hope you're a returned missionary I hope you love the
• 22:00 - 22:30 Savior Jesus Christ I hope you're you know a good priesthood holder so what's funny is when I compare notes with my husband and I'm like did you ever write letters to me like your future wife and he's like no apparently uh the future companion thing is much more drilled into girls and that's the same when I've talked to other men too who are ex Mormon you know hey how much Focus did you have growing up on your future companion in the the answer is always um very little so I do
• 22:30 - 23:00 think girls you know in the same way girls are much more primed for motherhood are also much more primed for marriage and you know making the celestial family whereas men are taught more a lot about you know their priesthood power they you know have a lot they have a lot more discussions about being a leader and that kind of a thing so two separate experiences for boys and girls in the church uh part of that of course like I mentioned is me
• 23:00 - 23:30 being heavily encouraged to marry someone who was part of that like I said Is Me Being heavily encouraged to marry a return missionary uh which is another way that they get you to serve a mission because if a guy wants to marry a good Mormon girl he's got to go on that two-year sales mission for the church if he wants to marry someone that his mommy is going to approve of he has to go on that two-year Mission that's just the Optics of it you know as a girl I was told constantly only marry a guy if he's
• 23:30 - 24:00 a return missionary and uh so that really Narrows the dating pool and if you're a guy looking for a good Mormon girl you'll just go on a mission it's just kind of part you know they'll even talk about it openly on they'll even talk about it openly while I was on my mission guys would talk about how the more baptisms you get the hotter your wife will be so you know it's it's almost like do your time do do your work in the field get those baptisms in and God will reward you with a beautiful
• 24:00 - 24:30 young virgin I will also say too marriage is very heavily put in the focus when you're dating after 18 so it's pretty common you know marriage is kind of always on the table you're told only date those who you see yourself marrying so if you meet a guy who's really cool but he swears or he didn't serve a mission you shouldn't even go on a first date with him because he's not marriage material so you're very much focused on you're always thinking about marriage even if you're not thinking about marriage with this particular
• 24:30 - 25:00 person specifically you're thinking is this person marriage material and if they're not you really shouldn't even go on a first date with them I when I was at BYU I fully had men who started talking about marriage with me who I went on maybe two or three dates with and it was always kind of a turnoff because it feels so soon to be like how many kids do you want or our kids will be so cute or you know just really starting to lay it on thick about about hey when we when we're married someday
• 25:00 - 25:30 um I had a guy who said you know I always dreamed that if I was dating a girl who wanted to serve a mission that she would skip her mission for me because marriage is more of a of what a woman should be doing anyways and because she loved me so much he's basically insinuating because I had my mission call at that point and we were kind of dating I hope that you decide to you know Skip your mission to marry me instead which is the more righteous thing for you to do anyways uh I did not when you're dating you're also very
• 25:30 - 26:00 heavily uh encouraged to follow the law of Chastity which is not just you know no no sex before marriage it is staying as far back from that waterfall as possible the term that was used when I was growing up is no heavy necking or petting which I had no idea what that meant that is like the oldest man type of definition for making out or whatever that I've ever heard but I do remember being quite mystified when people would say well this law of Chastity is not just having no sexx before marriage but
• 26:00 - 26:30 it's also avoiding heavy petting and avoiding necking and I you know maybe when I was like 12 I think eventually I figured out it's like making out and you know touching each other on you know chest or underneath but um I really I was so mystified by that let's finish watching that video from earlier because I think it does lay out pretty well not just what the law of Chastity is no sex before marriage but what else is expected of Mormon Youth and I'll say youth but I'll also say anyone prior to
• 26:30 - 27:00 getting married so for example even if a if two 45y olds are dating each other they are still expected to follow the same standard so it's not like just 18-year-olds are told these things this is the standard for anyone before they get married before marriage do not do anything to arouse the powerful emotions that must be expressed only in marriage only do things you would feel comfortable doing in the presence of your parents for example a 15 18-year-old could ask is it okay for me
• 27:00 - 27:30 to hold hands but maybe the question should be would I hold hands in front of my parents you can set standards that another example that I was taught is only kiss another person in the same way you would be comfortable kissing them in front of your parents or in front of the Savior so that's a pretty high bar to clear um you know and I think it also creates a lot of weirdness around the wedding night because when you first get married you're kind of expected to go from hand holding and closed mouth kisses to having sex uh and that is a
• 27:30 - 28:00 huge acceleration and not only that but you're not taught anything about pleasure you're not taught anything about really about even the other person's body so it's really setting people up for completely like awful horrible experiences on their wedding night because the two people are going to have no familiarity with the bodies of the other individual at all they've never experienced that themselves you're also completely not supposed to
• 28:00 - 28:30 masturbate before you well you're not supposed to masturbate ever you know even after you're married so you know that is creating a a world in which people don't understand their bodies uh people don't understand the bodies of their partner and then your wedding night which is supposed to be like this beautiful wonderful thing is scary intimidating and for many people awful I think also the no masturbation rule really uh forces you to put your experience your sexual experience on the other person so you know if you've never
• 28:30 - 29:00 masturbated uh if you don't know anything about your own body uh you are expecting the other person to understand that about you and help you reach that right so it's I think very difficult when you're entering this world in which you've never been allowed to explore your own body or your own pleasure and then now you're having sex and you're kind of expecting the other person to know more about your body than you do
• 29:00 - 29:30 and to bring your body more pleasure than you even know how to do for yourself so that's another mismatch that I think is common is that when you don't know your own body how can you even help the other person help you feel pleasure like it's it's just uh it's like a black box in my opinion pornography I'll say also is very taboo you're never supposed to view it I was taught not to just ask potential future husbands you know people I was dating you ever viewed pornography I was told to ask when did
• 29:30 - 30:00 you last view pornography because you're really supposed to be responsible for sniffing out if someone that you might be considering marrying is a pornography addict and pornography addict is a very much term coined by the Mormon church I think or maybe just by religious traditionalism in general the broader medical world does not say pornography addiction is a real thing um there's not you know in the same way alcoholism has treatment centers across the country
• 30:00 - 30:30 there are really only pornography treatment centers and programs in Utah uh I also think this is an uh instance that is exacerbated by the level of taboo placed upon it often uh and I've met men or seen men Post online who have shared this sentiment that they thought they had a pornography addiction that when they leave the church that they are no longer obsessing over this and sweating over it and crying over it and feeling like they have to call their Bishop every time they have watch pornography to confess something but
• 30:30 - 31:00 that as soon as they leave this very rigid tradition they suddenly can take a breath of fresh air and that they're no longer addicted they're no longer crying over doing you know overwatching pornography and maybe they step back their use maybe they're watching you know once a week every other week whatever but ultimately watching pornography for the rest of the world is seen potentially as you know not ideal certainly people try to say okay I'm going to not watch it this month
• 31:00 - 31:30 certainly people say there are a lot of issues with the industry I completely agree with all of that I think watching with responsibility watching people who are in charge of their own content there's a lot of morality there's there's a lot of moral questions around pornography but I think saying you know you're not worthy of marriage because you watched pornography once that's what the Mormon church is saying right you're not worthy of marriage or maybe you are addicted to pornography because you viewed it three or four times and you need to go to your bishop and confess
• 31:30 - 32:00 and describe exactly what you watched and what you did as you watched and you should do that in a private interview one-on-one I think a lot of people would say there's issues with pornography There's issues with the porn uh industry in general I don't think most people would say you deserve to be divorced if you've watched pornography three times in the last year but that is kind of the messaging you receive as a Mormon and so pornography itself you know apart from masturbation you should never masturbate
• 32:00 - 32:30 but also I think pornography is so heavily demonized and as a Mormon woman it really is kind of the boogeyman where you're told even if your spouse tells you they've never they don't really watch porn you shouldn't believe them because they probably still do you should trust us the church what we say about your husband or your future husband you should trust us before you trust him even if he says he doesn't watch it even if he said I've watched it a few times but I don't watch it anymore ah he's he's definitely still watching it probably three times a day and he's
• 32:30 - 33:00 probably cheating on you and that's that's the mindset I felt like I was in when I was in the church I think that it's a very unhealthy mindset and I think it destroys a lot of marriages because if you know if you've watched it three times in the last month you're addicted to pornography most people don't Define addiction as something you do a few times a week in private for 5 minutes usually addiction is something that that's incredibly hazardous to your health makes you lose your job like
• 33:00 - 33:30 people who are alcoholics they can't hold a job because they are drinking so much people who are addicted to heroin can't maintain normal human relationships Mormon men who are addicted to pornography uh those are the this is the type of use typically that is watching a few times a week and doing it in private and it like almost you couldn't even tell they're doing it unless you really heavily are watching their search history uh that's not addiction for something to clear the the
• 33:30 - 34:00 hurdle of the term addiction at least medically pornography just doesn't do it you will not find pornography addiction used in medical terminology you'll really only see it used in religious terminology and when it's described as an addiction though it does have this power this almost sway over the minds of people that I feel so much more severe than it truly is and then you're also dealing with all the guilt and shame of you know anytime you have masturbated
• 34:00 - 34:30 but also you've been told for so long that what you're doing on your wedding night and thereafter is dirty Bad Evil even though you can flip the switch and say well now I'm married so it's okay it doesn't mean all that programming is just going to disappear overnight you've been so trained to see sex as the sin next to murder you know that's what Mormons call it that once you get married it doesn't mean that that goes away you still feel like anything to do with pleasure or your body or sexuality is kind of very sinful and that doesn't
• 34:30 - 35:00 disappear overnight and I think it really sets people on the path to having a lot of Shame a lot of miscommunication and a lot of difficulties no discussion of course of this topic would be complete about marriage and Chastity without talking about gay marriage um and really anything to do with the spectrum of gender non-binary people trans people all of that is basically off limits uh the church doesn't even really talk about trans people at least
• 35:00 - 35:30 it didn't when I was growing up maybe now they do because it's becoming more front and center in like the national conversation um non I also never heard the word or term non-binary as a Mormon I only was more familiar with gay and lesbian um and so some of these things almost are so unknown to this religious you know tradition that there's not even a conversation about it that the words aren't even used um gay isn't even you know when I was growing up the word gay
• 35:30 - 36:00 even wasn't even really used they used the term same-sex attraction so it's not an identity they want to really step back from this idea that being gay or being lesbian or or any of these identities our identities they almost want to reframe it as like an emotion same sex attraction this is something this is a sinful thought I experience I'm attracted to the same sex uh almost like a passing fan almost like something that comes and goes and passes and you struggle with uh
• 36:00 - 36:30 versus something that you just are you know in the same way that hetero people are hetero um you don't say that hetero people have opposite sex attraction you just say they're straight right so straight people get to have identities but I think the church really tries to strip that away from anyone who's gay uh by calling it same-sex attraction to this point gay marriage is still not allowed in the church it's not allowed in the temple but it's not it's not allowed in a chapel either uh you know
• 36:30 - 37:00 if there's two young people who have sex before marriage they can still get married in a Mormon church they just can't get married in the temple for time and all eternity so straight people even if they've had sex before marriage are still welcomed into the Chapel to have a a union right gay people not married in the temple they're also not be allowed to be married in the the church their marriage is not recognized at all if you're already married and you walk in and you say I'd like to get baptized that marriage is not going to be
• 37:00 - 37:30 recognized under the religious hierarchy and there is a ton of rhetoric in the church about why being gay is bad and a sin still to this day um I do hope that they change that I hope that they pivot you know as I've said they've pivoted all these other things they do often seem to Pivot in my opinion once something becomes so unpopular for example the uh the United States would not allow Utah to join the union until they vowed to get rid of polygamy and so they got rid of polygamy um black people
• 37:30 - 38:00 were not permitted to enter the temple or have priesthood you know which is like a Mormon power the power of God uh and then they got they had a lawsuit by the ACLU and then they changed the doctrine right so they do have a history in my opinion of changing doctrines whenever it becomes too inconvenient to persist in that path and I think as time goes on that will be the case for the the stance on gay marriage and anything
• 38:00 - 38:30 else to do with the lgbtq community all of those things I think at some point I hope will become accepted and hopefully as that happens there will be a lot less uh homophobia within the church I had a student who was kind of mercilessly teased for being gay who did try to kill himself and his parents removed him from the school so I firsthand have seen gay kids get very heavily harassed I don't even know if that kid was gay um certainly certainly he never told me I
• 38:30 - 39:00 just know that the kids made fun of him for it and it made him obviously very miserable so I think uh hopefully too along with making gay marriage okay I hope that the church continues to try to push very very hard to be accepting especially of young people who can't escape their families who have to go to church every Sunday and hear these homophobic remarks I think it's a it's one of the worst aspects of the church
• 39:00 - 39:30 is what it does to people who are in that community and how it makes them feel just a reminder to like this video please comment below if you have any questions about the rules I've said so far comment if you have a rule that you followed as a Mormon that bothered you that was so innan and yet you still followed it because you thought it was the will of God if you're someone who's recovering from Mormonism I suggest potentially trying out my book I wrote this uh released it on in January it's how to leave the Mormon Church an ex
• 39:30 - 40:00 Mormon's guide to rebuilding after religion I am currently working on the Audi book it is available on Amazon uh in hard cover and Kindle paperback so you can get you know different options for whatever you like reading from the most I did if you've heard of the CES letter it's by Jeremy Reynolds and it is a PDF I'll put it in the notes below a PDF of that's basically a record of all of the why Mormonism it's essentially a
• 40:00 - 40:30 document that deconstructs Mormonism line by line it talks about early church history polygamy it talks about the translation of the Book of Mormon uh and it's kind of the number one resource I think people point to as what helped them start to deconstruct and understand the truth about what Mormonism is so very well worth the read uh if you want to learn about all the reasons why Mormonism isn't true but he recently reviewed this book and I'm going to read his his review now he said how to leave the Mormon church is a book that was
• 40:30 - 41:00 needed for years it was a book that I wanted to write and tried to write but thankfully I don't have to write Alyssa did an amazing job with this guide that will help so many folks to navigate what can be what can often be a turbulent process and journey use the guard rails that Alyssa set up for you and you'll be safely on your way so thank you to Jeremy for leaving me that review and if you are recovering from Mormonism please consider picking up a copy uh it also maybe 30% of it or so is my personal story so if you want to hear more about my experience leaving the church it's
• 41:00 - 41:30 also worth a read for that too well I will also say that one of the cornerstones of Mormonism is the idea of continuing Revelation so anything that the current Prophet says uh can discount things that previous prophets said so essentially this is saying that God is continuing to reveal his true church he is continuing to sanctify and strengthen the Saints he is continuing to restore for the Full Gospel on the Earth today so when Joseph Smith came back He
• 41:30 - 42:00 restored Christ's original church but he didn't a guess restore everything about it because that's why each Prophet can restore even more of the true Gospel of Jesus Christ to the Saints so this gives them such a great excuse to be able to change a lot of these things and call it continuing Revelation so it's not we were wrong in the past and now here here's the right thing it's we didn't have the full revealed truth and now we
• 42:00 - 42:30 have more revealed truth and isn't that something to celebrate however it can often feel like a slap in the face to those of us who took all of these guidelines and rules very seriously for example imagine you are a black person prior to the 1970s you believe that it is God's Doctrine because that's what the Mormon prophets say God's doctrine that black people cannot be sealed with their family in the temple suddenly the rule changes and God changes his mind
• 42:30 - 43:00 and says hey you guys can do that now you can get married in the temple but with no explanation no apology no backing behind why this change was made besides the fact that the saints were ready is it you know some people say isn't that cause to celebrate that Jesus is saying the Saints are ready for this new rule and he's revealing more of the restored gospel but think of all of those people prior to the 1970s who
• 43:00 - 43:30 lived and died under the belief that within this church black people should not be in full Fellowship according to God that is such a slap in the face and it is not you know all of these women who who came before me who thought all of these things about being a mother not seeking employment how many children you're supposed to have what you're supposed to wear for clothing and then suddenly they change the rule to be you know do whatever you feel like that's a slap in the face to those women who very righteously tried to do what was right
• 43:30 - 44:00 sometimes at Great personal cost only to have the church say oh never mind it actually isn't that important we're changing the rule so did the rule never matter because it feels like the rule really mattered at one point and now you change it and you there's no apology no explanation it's just hey shouldn't we all be happy and celebratory that Jesus is revealing more of his gospel to the Saints now I think it's a very calculated pivot to help the church stay mainstream and to to offend as few people as possible and to avoid legal
• 44:00 - 44:30 you know and and to avoid legal disputes with different people so it's continuing Revelation really bothers me just because it is such an excuse to change the rules and say oh it's because God revealed it and never have to apologize for the Damage Done by the previous laws let's jump into the modesty standards for both men and women in the Mormon church first most Mormon adults who are fully active are expected to wear
• 44:30 - 45:00 religious underwear called garments these cover the uh the sleeve and they are supposed to go down to the knee so this is almost a forcing function of modesty it the reason for the Garment is to remind you of the promises you made in the temple but a secondary reason for the Garment in my opinion and expressly stated in some areas of Mormon Doctrine is for the express purpose of modesty garments are considered sacred you you're told actually to never even leave them on the ground and you're
• 45:00 - 45:30 supposed to wear them morning and night except for when you are having sex sleeping or showering and they just released a little press release saying that people specifically women were not wearing their garments enough and almost you know chastising people for not you know following through with the covenants they made in the temple so they do take the religious underwear very seriously and if you know if you need a church to tell you what underwear to wear you might be in a cult just a
• 45:30 - 46:00 consideration for you I wore garments for about 4 years and they were really uncomfortable um and you're also told not to alter your clothing or alter your dress for special occasions so um even prior to wearing garments you're still supposed to always wear you know tank tops are considered inappropriate and you're supposed to wear clothing that goes to the knee this is a photo of me at prom prom was always so much drama in you know the Mormon commity because most prom dresses uh have you
• 46:00 - 46:30 know like a tube top or you know spaghetti sleeves or whatever most prom dresses don't have full sleeves so finding a prom dress that works with your modesty standards is very challenging for me when I was going to prom both my you know every time I went to prom I would always have this little shrug thing that I would keep on the entire night even when I was dancing that would completely cover my shoulders growing up bikinis were also a huge conversation um even tankinis that show
• 46:30 - 47:00 you know a little bit of the tummy completely off limits I had experiences where girls would go to girls Camp which is a summer camp for Mormon girls or youth activities and they'd have a bathing suit that was too revealing and their parents would have to come bring them a different bathing suit or they would have to wear a shirt over their bathing suit and so anything to do with water sports is really heavily regulated as far as modesty goes I didn't wear my first bikini until I think I was 27 26 uh even after I left I still kind of
• 47:00 - 47:30 mentally had a hard time just committing to wearing a bikini and I'll say too you know if you've if you never wear a bikini that's totally fine I I think but for me I wanted to wear one I just really had been taught that my body was a sin and that my body was sinful and sexual and that I shouldn't be comfortable in my own skin in a bikini I you know if you don't wear a bikini cuz you don't like it and it makes you uncom comtable that's one thing good for you more power to you if you don't wear a
• 47:30 - 48:00 bikini because you think your body is too sexual and you shouldn't be comfortable in your own skin and God doesn't want you to show your body that's really totally based in shame and that to me is much different than a conscious choice you are making totally for yourself of whether you want to wear a bikini or not or whatever swimwear you choose whatever clothing you choose you know wear whatever you want if that's what you want but but if you're wearing something based off of Shame that's pretty different in my opinion and I
• 48:00 - 48:30 think a lot of the clothing I chose was based in the shame I felt surrounding my body and even after I left it took me a long time to get over that shame to the point that I was ready to wear clothing and swimwear whatever that I felt empowered by and that I really enjoyed wearing there's actually a uh term used in Mormonism or maybe it's just an ex Mormonism I don't know but um bare shoulders are called porn shoulders so on the ex Norman subreddit you'll often see people posting you know I just left
• 48:30 - 49:00 the church and I've got my porn shoulders out and I think for a lot of women specifically but I think for men too wearing a tank top for the first time is one of those it's like it's like drinking coffee for the first time it's one of those liberating scary experiences where you feel like even though you're doing something that you've seen other people do non- Mormons do your whole life for you to do it feels like breaking this massive rule that you've held up as the standard for
• 49:00 - 49:30 excellence for your entire life so uh I've got my porn shoulders out for today's video and I always thought that that little term was kind of a a funny and cute way of you know almost giving the middle finger to this modesty standard which is so extreme and ridiculous uh and deserves to be made fun of a little bit along with modesty standards there are standards around body modifications like tattoos and piercings so after I left I got my nose ring um I have you know I don't have
• 49:30 - 50:00 piercings in right now but uh I got some other piercings in my ears and then I got a few tattoos I have one for my husband I have one for my son and then I have I've been meaning to get one for my other son it's on my to-do list so uh tattoos are very discouraged um they were expressly discouraged when I was growing up in my version of the for the strength of Youth pamphlet they in the new pamphlet have stepped away from that ter techology now it's kind of presented as more of a gray area I'll put the
• 50:00 - 50:30 links to the newer version and the older versions below so that if you want you can you know just control fine and look at the different uh sections and see how they compare and how they've changed over time for the rest of this section about modesty I'm going to break it into male expectations and female expectations um I think it's easier at least for me to focus on the female expectations for for women I am a woman that's what I grew up with but I do think that men have their own set of rules and expectations that sometimes I don't think about as much just because I
• 50:30 - 51:00 wasn't didn't grow up as a guy women are definitely encouraged to be really feminine to have their hair long to wear makeup and uh I wanted to include this video but this was a Mormon Apostle giving a speech and in the speech he decided to start addressing women specifically so let's hear what this apostle from God has to say to women You Beautiful Girls don't wander around looking like
• 51:00 - 51:30 men put on a little lipstick now and then and look a little Charming put on a little lipstick now and then and look Charming ladies because every woman wants a old man to tell them to put on lipstick that's exactly what I was hoping to hear from the mouth of an apostle of God to me as the sacred message that you've come to deliver so along with being encouraged to look beautiful you know
• 51:30 - 52:00 wear a lot of makeup whatever wear a lot of makeup but not too much makeup um growing up I was also very much instructed in how you know the making of a home how to bake how to sew by hand how to sew using machine a lot of these like uh traditional Trad wife type of things that you're supposed to know how to do to be a good feminine Mormon woman I also think if you look at influencers who become very popular out of Utah who
• 52:00 - 52:30 are Mormon and just kind of the Mormon aesthetic in general as much as the they say you know this is a worldwide church and everyone's welcome and we you know we love all people I do feel like especially within Utah Mormonism there is a very high value placed on blonde hair blue eyes thin big boobs you know that that look is very much you know all of the most famous famous Mormon influencers have cultivated that look quite well I also look very Mormon I
• 52:30 - 53:00 know as I say that I am describe I have blonde hair ey blue eyes so you know I and maybe that's I think a part of why I wanted to get the nose ring why I wanted to get you know more visible tattoos because I don't like that I look so Mormon and to counteract that a bit I had to you know weigh the scales in my favor a little bit more I also think being white is uh seen as more desirable I mean they talk about white being holy and also in the Book of Mormon there's a
• 53:00 - 53:30 verse which I'll put here about how people who are sinful are cursed with a skin of Blackness and even though in the modern Church they no longer teach anything about race uh Joseph Smith and Brigham Young taught that Blackness was a curse from God because of Cain and Abel and they also taught some of the early black members who wanted to join the church that in the afterlife their skin would turn white and so as much as those things aren't tough from the pulpit anymore they are certainly uh I think in some of the subtext of the
• 53:30 - 54:00 culture of the church I also think you know the church heavily opposes the civil rights movement and I and so I think whiteness being white in general is seen as the superior race uh in many ways even though that's no longer explicitly taught I think it's so baked into the history of the church that you know president Nelson the current Prophet was born in the 20s he was a full adult when the church was actively campaigning against the Civil Rights Movement you're not going to going to find any clip of him saying hey I think that we should allow equal rights you
• 54:00 - 54:30 know during the Civil Rights Movement he was an adult he didn't you there's no record of him saying anything like that though so you won't find evidence of him ever in his history speaking out against the church because he wouldn't be profit if he had done that so I really think that uh as much as you know I might say this and people will probably disagree in the comments I do feel like whiteness being white is seen as better in the church I think
• 54:30 - 55:00 if you look at you know the current list of who is in leadership of the church it's mostly white and so the this idea that whiteness is better has been the standard for so long I don't think the church can just Escape it um which intros me into talking more about men I wanted to share a portion of my book that was actually written it was written by one of my friends his name is Levi and he wrote a little bit about what it was like for him growing up in the church specifically in Utah not being white and what that was like the church
• 55:00 - 55:30 places far fewer restrictions on men but we're still taught that we represent the Savior this comes with a strict style guide if your Sunday shirt isn't white you can't bless the sacrament leaders can't wear bow ties no earrings no tattoos avoid the appearance of evil a hot chocolate in a Starbucks cup is as bad as coffee this constant focus on appearance and what others think can anyone up I grew up in Utah where most Mormon boys have straight blonde hair a smooth White white face and slender builds ideal for running I have dark curly hair and a face speckled with
• 55:30 - 56:00 freckles and a naturally stocky body gifts from my dad's Scottish ancestry and my mom's Polynesian roots in elementary school I remember looking at my friends skinny ankles their stocks their socks stretched around their Achilles tendon leaving gaps on either side they looked Sprite and agile my my ankles filled my socks like a cupcake in its liner their calves were slender mine were thick and beefy I wondered if more I I wondered if more girls would like me if I looked like the other boys I felt
• 56:00 - 56:30 ashamed of my body and wanted to cover my legs from ages 11 to 27 I did not wear shorts I avoided pool parties our apartment complex had a very nice community pool during my senior year of high school I never used it reminders of my differences weren't always from inside my head as a 17-year-old priest the bishop emphasized my distinctive curly hair by comparing me to animals in front of the other boys alpaca llama poodle sheep later I found out that one of the other boys straightened his hair every morning 10 years later I left the
• 56:30 - 57:00 church I no longer believe I have to represent the Son of God or look like the typical or look like the typical example of a good Mormon boy I felt more empowered to love myself for my differences at 28 at 28 years old and with much love and encouragement for my wife I felt more secure than ever and bought my first pair of shorts as an adult I chose a pair of bright red extra short Adidas it was my way of plunging into the deep end my now I I believe my wife when she says she loves my curly hair thick legs and Broad build people
• 57:00 - 57:30 ask what my leg workout is girls use brow pens to drove faux freckles K-pop stars get perms to have curly hair so many of my differences are normal or desired when you look outside of the church I don't need to look or dress like one of the 90-year-old Apostles or their most dedicated followers to be a good person I don't need to have Runners legs to be strong or straight hair to be handsome I've stopped wondering what I've stopped wondering if moroni's command to be perfect means I should look more like somebody else I only need
• 57:30 - 58:00 to be enough for myself and I am thank you for to Levi for writing that story because I think as a girl I you know growing up in the church I was so focused on modesty but I think that really adds another perspective you know he's not even talking about covering skin he's talking about the color of his skin the you know the texture of his hair the build of his body how even those things because they weren't up to this you know Mormon nor of whiteness of thinness he also felt very othered even his Bishop calling him
• 58:00 - 58:30 those awful horrible names so I think even though women you know it's more focused on Purity men have a standard too um along with what he shared you know uh men are supposed to wear shorts down to the knee they have a specific haircut which I'll put a picture of here a specific haircut that uh this The Sideburns are supposed to be a certain way supposed to be cut fairly short to the scalp uh and so their the hair is almost like a businessman from the 50s look I want
• 58:30 - 59:00 to say beards are discouraged and a lot of men when they become Bishops they end up shaving their beard men at BYU are not permitted to have beards mustaches are a gray area some men do have mustaches but they're still supposed to be you know pretty um traditional mustaches none of the crazy mustache wax where you're curl you know still very standard and traditional look if you go for the the mustache look he mentioned to in his story the white shirt men are very much expected to wear white shirts
• 59:00 - 59:30 at church this is a very particular Rule and it's one way that it's always so easy to tell if someone's a non-member or a less active member at church because even if a man shows up in a cream shirt or a light blue shirt that's collared and pressed and looks very professional and would be welcome in any professional environment you can just tell that that guy is not really Mormon because all the Mormons always wear white shirts so that's there's all these little tiny tiny rules that you're
• 59:30 - 60:00 expected to follow you know even rolling up the sleeves like I said or wearing a cream instead of a white shirt all of those things are going to make it clear you're not living up to the standard of Jesus Christ um when you're at church I wanted to take a moment to address the mindset that a lot of people have shared around Mormon values which are you know even if the religion is a little kooky these people are are living really well or really they have great values you
• 60:00 - 60:30 know this I think comment is very much pointing to Mormon have this traditional Trad wife whatever you want to call it this traditional experience that is in many ways seen as good not drinking alcohol seen is good you know um having a big family you know not many people are getting married now Mormons are still getting married not having you know a lot of Millennials aren't having kids Mormons still having kids so a lot of people of hold up this Mormon lifestyle and say you know whether
• 60:30 - 61:00 whether you believe or not they're making it look pretty good over there I do think that's a fairly common almost retort to when I criticize the church which is that you know they look like they're they're happy they look like their life is good so what's the big deal and I would say um fair enough but imagine growing up being gay in that Community is it good for them you know imagine growing up being being anything other than skinny and white is that good for them imagine being a woman who's
• 61:00 - 61:30 told all you'll ever be is a baby machine and your husband is the one that gets to have monetary power over the household is it good for the woman so I think it's very easy to say oh they look so good from the outside but if you insert anything into that community that is not up to Snuff that actually makes people unhappy it makes people sometimes suicidal it makes people feel very
• 61:30 - 62:00 othered and it it creates a system in which you know if you are trying to just drink your morning cup of coffee you are on the out group and you are not going to be fully fellowshipped into that community and so as much as it might look like oh they have all these Traditional Values that's great well is it that great if it only works for some of the people some of the time and the rest of the people are put on the outskirts of the community they're
• 62:00 - 62:30 othered they're looked down upon and they're judged potentially the reason they look so good is that they've also systematically gotten rid of anyone that doesn't fit the perfect Mormon mold in my opinion and so I I see what people are saying with that argument but I also think if you dig a little deeper and try to find the people who aren't perfectly fitting the mold and see their experiences and see how they are with their Mental Health and how they fit into the community I don't think you're going to find people
• 62:30 - 63:00 who are just so completely blissfully happy I think you'll find people who are happy when every condition in their life is making it so Mormonism is working for them but if you're a single mom if you are a black kid if you are a gay kid if you are a woman who doesn't want to have children but wants to have a career all of these people all of these groups are not going to seamlessly fit in in Mormon culture and even doctrinally in Mormon
• 63:00 - 63:30 the in the Mormon belief system so that's my response in the rest of the video I'm going to cover food storage the rule that you should pay tithing more General religious expectations and then a little bit about other smaller rules like Sabbath day observance No gambling that kind of thing so I'll go a little bit more quickly because I think some of these rules require less context than something like modesty or within the church so food storage the rule around food storage is you're supposed
• 63:30 - 64:00 to have 6 months to a year Supply though they say if you don't have any food storage you should start by uh just having like two weeks Supply the purpose of food storage is to prepare for the second coming because Mormons believe no man knoweth the hour of the second coming and so when I was growing up we had our pantry but then separate from our pantry we had an entire room in our basement just dedicated to huge tubs of food storage and so this is primarily so that if you know hits the fan and
• 64:00 - 64:30 it's the second coming and Wars of rumors of wars basically Mormons believe that before Jesus Christ comes again there's going to be a lot of bad things happening and so the food storage is what you need in order to prepare to get through the emergencies that will come as a result of the impending second coming so that's why you have your food supply uh as part of this I also learned other forms of emergency preparedness we always had barrels of water we also o had you know I learned how to start a fire with Flint you I also learned how
• 64:30 - 65:00 to tie certain knots I also learned how to set up a tent so um in girls camp and then also just at other times with in my like family unit we had lots of different conversations about what will we do if there's an emergency what will we do in if there's a fire and I you know I don't think that's the worst um advice I think the pandemic you know showed that the grocery store can very quickly completely out and there's no food what are you going to do I just think that basing that off of this like
• 65:00 - 65:30 apocalyptic Jesus coming again thing is very scary for a kid to have to face so I don't think it's the worst strategy to be prepared for an emergency seems like a good idea but when you're telling your child you know a bunch of people are going to be killed because Jesus will come again and we need to do this because it's going to be the literal apocalypse before Jesus visits the Earth that's a little scary for a little kid to have to process another rule is that you should give 10% of your income to the Mormon church I was always taught by
• 65:30 - 66:00 my mom that that should be your gross income not your net so your gross is what you earn before taxes so I learned that you know the Lord should get your money before the government does so you should pay 10% tithing on your gross salary so that's a lot of money over a lifetime you know and I think a lot of people struggle financially with that because imagine if you just put that 10% in a retirement fund that's that is a lot of money and I will say too as a kid
• 66:00 - 66:30 I was trained to pay my tithing since I got you know my first dollar I would have little envelopes set up that my mom you know it wasn't the worst thing to learn Financial Independence you know she would teach us if you get money you should have a a envelope for tithing an envelope for personal savings you should have an envelope for maybe something you want to save up for like a shirt or you know something bigger like your car someday um that's you know that's probably pretty good advice kind of a Dave's Ramsey approach to saving your
• 66:30 - 67:00 money but I really was taught from a very young age that I should be paying you know if I would get $10 in an envelope for my grandparents for my birthday money I would have $1 of that go to tithing and the crazy part of this is when you're give you're tithing off of money that's already been tithed so if my parents my parents they pay tithing right um if they then give me money as a Mormon kid I paid tithing on it again so the church is not just
• 67:00 - 67:30 getting my parents tithing then when they give it to me my parents want to teach me tithing so I'm giving tithing off of money that's already been tithed oh that's crazy so the church really does um teach tithing from a very young age the Mormon church has a hundred billion plus dollars which is a massive war chest of money and makes them one of the wealthiest churches in the world and that is I think in in large part because of tithing but they also have so many other ways that they
• 67:30 - 68:00 get money out of people you know you're asked also to give fast offerings um which is an additional donation once a month that goes you know into the bishop storehouse that's supposed to be meant like as an additional donation towards your local congregation you're also you're also asked to pay for your mission your Mormon Mission um as a Mormon missionary I probably paid about $112,000 to Wards my Mormon Mission my parents helped some too with that expense you know think of having that
• 68:00 - 68:30 toward your college think of using that to start a business instead you're just paying that to the church to then do labor for the church you're paying to do service for the church I also saw this was a a screenshotted comment that I had on one of my videos on Tik Tok this person says I worked at a popular store for missionary clothes and a family came in once while we the son and mom were shopping the grandma came to me and started sobbing as quietly as she could about how the mission was much the mission was costing she wasn't a member
• 68:30 - 69:00 but her son's family was and she said that they were putting themselves in serious Financial danger to send him on a mission she didn't know until he got a mission call that the families had to pay for the mission so I mean in in addition to fast offerings in addition to tithing you're also paying to send you know if you have a big Mormon family that's maybe five kids for boys it's I think $516,000 so for each of your kids you're having to put aside you know basically the cost of a car to send them on a
• 69:00 - 69:30 mission and the church really doesn't often help with that cost usually the families are expected to fund the entirety themselves so that's another way that they kind of get money is they get free labor and then the labor pays for the privilege of doing the labor they also have different charity events if you want to buy food storage like I mentioned before the church has a huge amount of food storage for sale so they kind of create this ask of the members hey make sure you have onee food storage
• 69:30 - 70:00 also by the way we sell food storage so that's another way that they're kind of creating a problem and then selling you the solution um they also have Deseret Industries specifically in Utah but they have them other places too this is essentially a Goodwill replacement so uh you can go and purchase Don you know people donate their items and then you can go purchase them from Deseret Industries so that's another way that they are making you know income um another thing is that when you are a Mormon you have a lot of calling so like
• 70:00 - 70:30 you might be in charge of you might be a bishop you might be um a Relief Society president you may watch the children during Sunday service so there's a lot of different responsibilities right as part of running a church all of those those things are called callings in Mormonism and those are all done completely for free so there's no payment the only people who are paid are very highlevel employees of the church like the 12 apostles and the corm of the
• 70:30 - 71:00 70s but the low-level congregation those people are not paid uh and so when you have something associated with your calling so say I am in charge of teaching the 5-year-olds and I would like to make the lesson Special by bringing some construction paper and markers and I want to bring them some cookies or some treats at the end all of those things are likely going to be paid for by me you can expense it but the the process for expensing these things is
• 71:00 - 71:30 pretty timec consuming and it takes a while to get your money and it's almost seen as like here's another little donation I can do for my church so I would say they they do have a way to get reimbursed but in my experience but in my experience of being in the church for two decades I saw most people pay for those things out of their own paycheck with their own money they're not going to the church to try to get the money back for for this expense you also are required to purchase garments so when you wear
• 71:30 - 72:00 garments these are your daily underwear um I maybe would at any time have 10 sets 15 sets you know you have to make it through the week for laundry potentially for working out so and each set is maybe $5 to $10 so and that's underwear you're buying for your entire life so that's a really that's that's over time a fairly large expense and every adult member is buying 5 to 10 to 20 sets whatever they need a year cuz as
• 72:00 - 72:30 they run out you have to buy more so that is another Revenue stream that the church uses to amass this hundred plus billion dollar uh fund that they then invest in Apple stock they also have Deseret Book um Deseret Book is a place where you can buy you know books but also clothing scripture cases you can buy the temple clothes there you could buy art you can buy figurines anything you could ever want you can buy at Desert at book they have a whole catalog
• 72:30 - 73:00 um and so that is another Revenue stream for the church uh I they also have BYU the church sponsored University where you can pay you know you pay tuition to go there it is discounted for members uh but when you consider the fact that your parents have been paying 10% of their income their whole life I don't know if that's truly a discount uh and so being heavily encouraged as a young person to go to BU you so think you know if you're a parent of five Mormon kids you're paying for them to serve a mission that
• 73:00 - 73:30 money goes back to the church you're paying for them to go to a Mormon church sponsored University that money goes back to the church so so much of your and that's not even the 10% tithe right so so much of your income your underwear even is being wrapped up into sending it to the Mormon Church uh I will say to the Mormon Church recently somewhat recently was in hot water for building a mall with some of this money they said that they use the interest so this is like the crazy loophole they said they use the interest off the tithing to fund
• 73:30 - 74:00 the the the mall so they're saying it's not technically tithe payer funds because the these tithe payer funds spit out interest and the interest is what was used to build the mall so they can use this kind of technicality to say well well well we didn't we didn't use the original Nest Egg we used the interest Nest a generated to build the mall which is just so hilarious to me
• 74:00 - 74:30 and like the the gymnastics there are you know truly top-notch for the Mormon church to be able to say like that's why we should not be held accountable for using tithe payer funds to build a literal mall but they are they are also having some lawsuits because people are saying that that's not true and ultimately there is no public accounting of what the uh Church uses these funds for when you donate tithing there is a little phrase at the bottom that essentially says that when you pay
• 74:30 - 75:00 tithing all of the money you send to the church becomes the sole property of the Mormon church and so sorry but if you don't like how we used it it's our property as soon as you donate it no returns uh no returns allowed um and also all of this money is tax-free so that's another reason they've been able to amass this huge amount of wealth is that the American government does not take a single s Le dime in taxes from anything that is given to a church a few
• 75:00 - 75:30 other rules I wanted to mention are more about the general religious expectations these are not maybe personal autonomy type rules these are the rules that you're expected do to do as part of your membership within the church and all things I did your one is have an active calling so you should always have some sort of active responsibility within the congregation this is something you do for free you're only allowed to attend your own congregation which is kind of crazy so if you say you go to your ward that's what a congregation is called say
• 75:30 - 76:00 you go to your ward and you don't like the people there or you're not Jing with the bishop you're not allowed to just say like oh down the street there's another Ward or congregation that I like more and some of my old friends are there so I want to go to that one or if your kids you know say your kids have become best friends with a congregation that's you know maybe across this the the town you cannot go with and have your kids be with their friends you have to go to the geographic region you are assigned to basically by your address so
• 76:00 - 76:30 you that's one of the other religious expectations you have to go to your own congregation um it's an expectation that members clean the their church building so it used to be that the church would use some of their massive amount of money to hire people to professionally clean the church so now the members are expected to sign up on a little list and take some of their Saturday to go and uh clean the the church building and that is just one time suck of Mormonism you have your Sunday service but you also
• 76:30 - 77:00 have your Wednesday youth activities you have early morning Seminary Monday through Friday you have Temple trips you have cleaning the church building and other small responsibilities you might be asked to help someone move and pack their stuff and put in a moving van um visiting teaching and visiting teaching and home teaching which has now been rebranded as ministering so these are all just you know countless that Mormonism is asking not just your money but your time as well and it is so time
• 77:00 - 77:30 intensive to be Mormon and I think it really contributes to this Echo chamber that Mormonism is because you're almost caught up in this constant like go to church go to church go to church go to church and it really makes it so that your entire social circle is connected to the church and if you are going to leave you're going to be giving up this Social Circle that you've invested thousands of hours of time into and that's another reason why leaving is so scary is that the time demands of
• 77:30 - 78:00 Mormonism are so high and so significant that leaving is essentially like walking out of the community the only Community you've really invested a lot of time in for your whole life another requirement is to sustain your local Bishop so if your Bishop whoever they are uh you're supposed to say I believe what he's saying I'm following him um you also are required to go to tithing settlement um so like I said the 10% once a year you're supposed to go and talk to your
• 78:00 - 78:30 bishop and essentially certify that you've paid a full tithe and sign a document you actually sign a document saying you've paid a full tithing this is not a legal document this is like an agreement between you and the church it's not like that's legally binding but I think when you're doing it it feels very solemn and very serious um you're supposed to do genealogy so you're supposed to learn about your ancestors you're supposed to take those names and do things like baptisms for the dead I'll put the video link below if you want to watch about baptisms for the
• 78:30 - 79:00 dead and other Temple ordinances you're supposed to do those names in proxy if you know if you have ancestors obviously who were married you're supposed to go do a temple ciling for them by proxy so uh you're supposed to do your temple work and your genealogy you should read Church magazines uh there's when I was growing up there's something called the friend when uh and as an adult you read the end sign so there's all of these additional documents or magazines and books you're supposed to kind of keep up on you should be writing in your Journal
• 79:00 - 79:30 daily uh you should be doing visiting teaching which I mentioned earlier which is having someone in your ward that you're assigned to go visit in their home read scriptures with pray with check up on um that's kind of meant to create a closer Network within the ward but is also very time intensive you should participate in regular worthiness interviews so this is where you meet with your Bishop he potentially gives you your temple recommend he asks if you're staying worthy he asks about if
• 79:30 - 80:00 you're living the law of Chastity if you're following the word of wisdom um you're supposed to Listen to You're supposed to another funny rule is sharing your testimony on social media so this means you know that you are going onto social media you are you know sharing a scripture you're St sharing a picture of the Savior you're typing out whatever it is your testimony so that's another aspect you're you're really encouraged to be uh Mormon online and
• 80:00 - 80:30 say you're Mormon and share your testimony to try to do as much missionary work as possible I will say I wanted to end by talking a little bit about the rules around uh Sunday Sabbath the Sabbath day worship um it is impossible within a video of this length to discuss every single rule that Mormons are held accountable to or that culturally Mormons are expected to follow so I'm sorry I didn't get to all of them uh I tried to put in as many as I could uh if you want the complete list
• 80:30 - 81:00 you can click on the link in the description below um as far as uh Sabbath day observance you are heavily discouraged from shopping on Sunday you should go to all Church meetings uh you're not really supposed to see your friends necessarily so um there might be some sort of like award activity like they call them linger longers where they have a little bit of snacks in your you're supposed to just like mix and mingle with the people around you but growing up I was not allowed to schedule
• 81:00 - 81:30 you know play dates or hangouts on Sunday with my non-mormon friends you're not you're not really supposed to work or labor on Sunday uh sometimes people have jobs that require them to work on Sunday and that's kind of looked down upon but you won't necessarily get in trouble you're not supposed to do Sports on Sunday so growing up I really love gymnastics and when I got to a certain level they wanted me to start coming a little bit more and I was really excited to be invited to go to the next level
• 81:30 - 82:00 but this level had practice on Sundays so I ended up deciding not to do it because I felt like it was disobedient to the laws of God and so no working on Sunday no Sports on Sunday and that really is challenging growing up I think because there's a lot of stuff that happens on Sunday that you're just not allowed to do because God doesn't want you to the best Mormon families I feel like held the standard of wearing church clothes all day my mom wanted us to do that but it was always kind of hard to
• 82:00 - 82:30 get us to do that because church clothes dresses shirts and ties are very uncomfortable once a month you have something called Fast Sunday that's where you don't eat for 24 hours or two meals depending um that was always really hard for me because I feel like I would just eat and then would metabolize food really quickly and then get so so hungry and I felt so sinful for wanting you know sometimes I would sneak little bites of things and I would have a lot of guilt about that um so starting at 8
• 82:30 - 83:00 years old you're supposed to start fasting and especially when I was really young it was so so hard on me and I would just break into tears sometimes because I'd be so hungry um but you're supposed to go basically have a big meal on Saturday night and then not eat until after church dinner the next day so that's a really long time for an 8-year-old to not eat and even as an adult it was I did not like Fast Sunday because I always got so hungry by the end there if if you think of a rule that
• 83:00 - 83:30 I forgot and you are a Mormon or an ex Mormon please feel free to drop it in the comments below next week next week my goal is to have a video sharing the uh how Mormonism got started the story of Joseph Smith the story of The Book of Mormon and kind of just lay out you know how it all really began so like this video subscribe if you want to see that video drop a comment if you enjoyed you know if you found anything I shared today to be interesting and I will see you next week