Gary Thomas | Sacred Marriage | Wheaton College IL Chapel Message

Summary

In a thought-provoking message at Wheaton College Chapel, Gary Thomas delves into the profound question: "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" Drawing from his experiences and writings, Thomas explores how marriage can be a pathway to spiritual growth, rather than just a quest for personal satisfaction. He emphasizes the significance of a wise marital choice, the role of faith in selecting a partner, and the importance of seeking God's kingdom above all else. Thomas also challenges cultural norms by suggesting that infatuation and sexual chemistry alone are insufficient foundations for a lasting marriage.

Highlights

• Gary Thomas asks, 'What if God designed marriage to make us holy, rather than happy?' 🤔
• Emphasizes the importance of making a wise marital choice. 🎯
• Infatuation lasts only 12-18 months; base marriage on lasting values. ⏳
• A marriage aligned with God's kingdom priorities brings joy and resilience. ✨
• True marital joy comes from spiritual growth and shared purpose. ✝️

Key Takeaways

• Marriage is about holiness more than happiness. 💍
• A wise marital choice is crucial and impacts daily life. ❗
• Sexual chemistry and infatuation are temporary and unreliable bases for marriage. ❌
• Seek first God's kingdom and righteousness in marriage decisions. 🙏
• True love and commitment grow stronger through spiritual growth. 🌱

Overview

Gary Thomas delivers an intriguing message at Wheaton College Chapel, throwing light on an unusual perspective about marriage. He suggests that the purpose of marriage transcends personal happiness and delves into spiritual enrichment. Thomas provocatively questions the cultural narrative by shifting the focus from romantic ideals to seeking spiritual growth within a marriage.

Discussing the nature of marital choices, Thomas highlights the criticality of choosing a life partner with wisdom. He illustrates that sexual chemistry and the romantic 'magic' often associated with ideal marriages are fleeting. Instead, he advocates for a marriage rooted in shared faith and spiritual objectives, emphasizing that a strong spiritual foundation can endure life's challenges.

By drawing from real-life anecdotes and biblical principles, Thomas underlines that the essence of a thriving marriage lies in seeking God's kingdom first. This divine alignment, he asserts, not only nurtures individual growth but also enriches the marital bond. He invites his audience to reconsider societal norms and embrace a spiritually centered approach to marriage.

Chapters

• 00:00 - 01:30: Introduction The 'Introduction' chapter summarizes the goals of the Chapel program, emphasizing its focus on inviting Christian leaders to campus who speak prophetically to both the church and wider culture. It notes the program’s interest in addressing topics like marriage, which ties into broader campus conversations on relationships, sexuality, calling, vocation, spirituality, and other pertinent issues.
• 01:30 - 03:30: Gary Thomas Introduction and Book Overview The chapter introduces Gary Thomas, the author of the book 'Sacred Marriage'. The speaker recalls first becoming acquainted with Gary Thomas over a decade ago when Gary published the said book. The book intrigued the speaker, particularly due to its provocative subtitle: 'What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?' This question serves as a central theme of Gary Thomas's work, which explores the deeper, spiritual purpose of marriage beyond just personal happiness.
• 03:30 - 07:00: Anecdote about a Cat Funeral The chapter, titled 'Anecdote about a Cat Funeral', seems to revolve around a talk or a speech that delves into themes related to scripture, church history, and classic literature, particularly focusing on our relationship with God and each other. As a side note, the text mentions that Gary Thomas, who is contributing to the spiritual formation Study Bible, will give a follow-up talk to the one presented in the morning. The follow-up session is scheduled to take place in the evening at the Beamer Center in the Phelps room.
• 07:00 - 10:00: Choosing Who You'll Face Life With The chapter "Choosing Who You'll Face Life With" discusses making wise decisions in marital choices. It is set within the context of a talk or lecture at Wheaton College, featuring speaker Gary Thomas. The initial part hints at an introductory segment, likely setting the stage for an in-depth discussion on factors to consider when selecting a life partner. The reference to a Q&A session suggests an interactive component, allowing for audience engagement and personalized advice or clarification on choosing a partner wisely.
• 10:00 - 15:00: The Impact of Marital Choices The chapter discusses the dichotomy between 'dog people' and 'cat people,' using the speaker's personal experience as a springboard. It highlights how marital choices can lead to unexpected responsibilities, such as caring for a pet that one's spouse loves. The speaker shares a personal anecdote about having to hold a funeral for a cat, which underscores the idea that marriage often involves participating in and supporting interests important to one's partner, even if they weren't a part of one's personal world before.
• 15:00 - 18:30: The Importance of Trusting Jesus An individual starts their day in a tiny home with a family, sharing a driveway with a neighbor. They encounter a distressing scene where their neighbor's cat, Remington, has been hit by a vehicle. Despite needing to leave for work at the library, the individual feels responsible to deal with the situation, highlighting a moment where trust and responsibility intersect.
• 18:30 - 27:30: Infatuation and Marriage The narrator describes going to a neighbor's house to relay some unfortunate news, observing her emotional reaction, which then attracts the attention of his wife and daughter. Although not deeply personally affected by the loss of the cat, he feels compelled to support his family and neighbors emotionally. This leads to an unexpected situation where they feel a need to hold a funeral for the cat, despite the narrator's initial uncertainty about such a ceremony for a pet. The chapter explores themes of community support, emotional connection, and the role these play in daily life.
• 27:30 - 38:30: Defining the Purpose of Marriage The chapter, 'Defining the Purpose of Marriage,' begins with an anecdote involving a humorous interaction about a cat named Remington. Despite the light-heartedness of the situation, there's an underlying theme of sensitivity and the individual's personal space and needs. The protagonist appears to be juggling social interactions while also yearning to return to personal pursuits, indicating a struggle between social obligations and personal responsibilities. This scenario subtly serves as a metaphor for marriage's purpose, emphasizing meeting each other's needs with sensitivity and understanding.
• 38:30 - 45:00: The Role of Faith in Marriage The chapter opens with the author sharing an unexpected and humorous incident involving the neighbor’s cat, Remington, which was thought to be buried but unexpectedly appears alive, leading to the realization that they had buried someone else’s cat. This story serves as a light-hearted introduction to the theme of the role of faith in marriage, illustrating an unexpected turn of events and highlighting the unpredictability of life. The chapter hints at deeper discussions about trust, faith, and the complexities in marital relationships, suggesting that just as one might misjudge a situation (like with the cat), there can be misunderstandings and surprises in marriage that require faith and resilience to navigate.
• 45:00 - 52:00: Marrying God's Daughter The author opens the chapter by discussing a conversation with their wife, highlighting an aspect of love within marriage. They stress the unpredictability of future challenges in marriage, drawing on their experiences as a pastor. Among the significant trials mentioned are catastrophic medical diagnoses, the heartbreak of outliving one's children, struggles with addictions, and periods of unemployment. The chapter emphasizes the unforeseeable nature of life's adversities, particularly in the context of marital relationships.
• 52:00 - 56:30: Examples of Strong Marriages The chapter discusses the inevitability of facing challenges in life but emphasizes the importance of choosing the right partner to face those challenges with. It highlights that while one cannot predict the obstacles they will encounter, they do have the choice of whether to face these challenges as a single individual or as part of a married couple. The text references 1 Corinthians 7 from the Bible, where Paul encourages considering singleness as a legitimate and often sensible option.
• 56:30 - 60:00: Closing Prayer and Thoughts In this concluding segment, the focus is on a significant message drawn from 1 Corinthians 7:39. The passage provides guidance on marriage, stating that an individual is free to choose whether or not to marry, and they have the liberty to select their partner. However, the emphasis is on the condition that the chosen partner must be 'in the Lord', indicating a shared spiritual belief or faith. This idea highlights the importance of a spiritual connection and compatibility in such a significant life decision.

Gary Thomas | Sacred Marriage | Wheaton College IL Chapel Message Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 as you know in our Chapel program we seek to bring to campus Christian leaders who are saying important things people who are speaking prophetically to the church and to the culture one of the topics that we like to address from time to time as the subject of marriage and this of course is part of the huge ongoing campus conversation on matters of relationships sexuality calling vocation and spirituality and other issues as well
• 00:30 - 01:00 these are complex interrelated things I became acquainted with uh this morning's Chapel guest Gary Thomas more than 10 years ago when he published his book entitled sacred marriage and what intrigued me was the subtitle of his book really a question what if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy an interesting question Gary Thomas is writing and
• 01:00 - 01:30 speaking comes out of a depth and breadth of appreciation for scripture church history classic literature as he addresses issues of our relationship to God in our relationships with one another an interesting side note Gary is one of the contributors to the spiritual formation Study Bible in addition to this morning's Chapel Gary Thomas will be presenting a second talk as a follow-up to this morning tonight at 7:00 in the the Phelps room in the Beamer Center
• 01:30 - 02:00 good amount of that time will be given to Q&A so please welcome to weaton college chapel this morning Gary Thomas thank you am I back on now before we start talking about making a wise marital choice I need to know who I'm talking to and I sound that most people can divide
• 02:00 - 02:30 up into two categories there are dog people and there are cat people know what I'm talking about how many dog people do we have here this morning how many cat people okay you got to be brave to be a cat people I I've never had a cat have had tons of dogs and so I never could have imagined that part of being a good husband to my wife would eventually be having a funeral for a cat but that happened when I was going through some at the time my wife and I
• 02:30 - 03:00 just had one child we had a little toddler and we lived in a tiny little home that had a shared driveway with another tiny little home that was rented by a single gal with her cat named Remington Remington sort of claimed the whole property and one morning I needed to get to the library had a lot of work to get done but as I started to pull out of the shared driveway right in front of the driveway I saw Remington split out he'd been hit overnight by a car or truck or something like that thought I can't really leave him there like that
• 03:00 - 03:30 so I went to our neighbor's door knocked on it as gently as I could tried to explain what I had seen she came out she started crying that Drew my wife and daughter's attention so they came out and and they started crying so I'm practically crying now not because I really care that there's one less cat in the world but I I I want to be a supportive husband I want to be a supportive father and a good Christian brother to our neighbor they finally decided that before they could move on we needed to have a funeral for the cat and as a young seminarian wasn't sure about how having a funeral for a cat but
• 03:30 - 04:00 I thought look if it meets their needs what can it hurt so they were sharing a few words and I have to confess I had to hold my tongue a little bit when somebody said Remington seemed like an unusually smart cat he just got hit by a truck he's a cat you think he could jump out of the way but we finally got him in the ground I thought with some degree of Sensitivity I could get back to my studies at the library and so our neighbor peeled off into her house my wife and daughter went into ours and
• 04:00 - 04:30 just as I touch the door handle of my car I hear this scream from our neighbor's house I run up her stairs and she's white face Ash and she can't even speak she just points at her couch and there sat Remington waving his tail we had buried somebody else's cat to this day I don't know whose cat We buried I mean it's amazing the markings look the same but my first funeral was a complete farce uh but I never getting married to
• 04:30 - 05:00 my wife comp contemplated that that would be an aspect of one way I could show love to her and that's sort of the point I want to make at the start of this morning you have no clue what you will face later on in your life should you choose to get married the stories I've heard as a pastor catastrophic medical diagnosis the pain of seeing children die before you do addictions unemployment you you have no clue what
• 05:00 - 05:30 you will face in this life you can't possibly know but here's the thing and this is so key God lets you choose who you face those things with you don't know what you'll face but God says I'm going to let you choose who you go through those things with one you get to choose whether you do it as a married person or as a single person in 1 Corinthians 7 Paul urges us to consider singleness he says that's a very legitimate and often a reasonable choice
• 05:30 - 06:00 in life but if we decide to get married he makes it pretty clear in 1 Corinthians 7:39 when he says this talking to to women she is free to marry anyone she wishes only in the Lord so Paul seems to make it clear your choice of whether you want to get married or not it's your call who you want to marry it's up to you introvert extrovert business guy uh athletic woman it's it's your call just make sure they're in the Lord and I cannot stress to you how
• 06:00 - 06:30 important should you choose to get married how crucial that decision is every day of your life will be influenced by that one decision I call a wise marital Choice the gift that keeps on giving if you make this Choice wisely you will be blessed literally every day of your life by having made that choice just as I was walking as we were praying somebody was complimenting my wife about how wonderful she is and she's right because I made that one choice 28 years
• 06:30 - 07:00 ago I am blessed every day cuz I get to be with her but a foolish a poor marital choice is like a bad investment that keeps sucking you financially dry you'll feel like you can never fully get away from this is the one decision you want to go into with your eyes wide open with objective truth with counsel with all intent and purpose because it is so huge now I remember talking to a man one time
• 07:00 - 07:30 he was a pastor guy's guy he he's not particularly emotional at all but as he was describing his marriage as this is the word he the phrase he used the biggest cross in his life he spontaneously started to cry he's describing it as this anchor holding him down a parachute holding him back and he was committed to his marriage he believed in marriage he wanted to honor God in his marriage but it was a burden for him every day in fact he said the biggest burden in his life and those
• 07:30 - 08:00 spontaneous tears told me just How Deeply he felt that pain and then at a conference I was talking to a woman who had had just unbelievable medical challenges in her life it makes you cry to think one person has to go through that in one life but then she began to describe how her husband had been there by her side how he had been her Rock how in the midst of some of those treatments when she felt like the ugliest person on the planet he made her believe that she
• 08:00 - 08:30 was never more beautiful and she too broke out into spontaneous tears but these were tears of joy I don't know how I would have faced this without him next to becoming a Christian marrying him was the best decision I ever made now I I don't I I'm sorry that that kind of falls into gender stereotypes when I'm talking about a male leader and a woman needing help those are real stories I'm not making an implication put that aside here's what I want you to get out of this one person looking at their marriage crying tears of pain and
• 08:30 - 09:00 frustration one person crying tears of joy and thankfulness statistics would tell me 10 years from now 90% of you will be married if you're talking to me about your marriage then will you be crying tears of joy or tears of frustration will you be filled with tears of thankfulness or tears of regret now the reality is and any married person here will tell you this every marriage has plenty of both kinds of Tears it's not
• 09:00 - 09:30 like any marriage is all sweetness and light and usually not like every marriage is nothing but bad but it is true that some marriages seem to be lifegiving they they help lift two individuals to come become more than they would have been as individuals and other marriages for whatever reason seem to be contests of discouragement and criticism and they drag each other down I want you to be crying tears of joy 10 years from now
• 09:30 - 10:00 which is why I want to pray that God will take these words and help plant them in your soul if you'll Pray For Me Lord with me father I do ask this is such a momentous Choice Lord and you care so much you can see the families that will be created from the people in this room and so I just pray for your gifting of your spirit that I could speak in a way that would um contain your truth out of your love Lord that you would also open our hearts and Minds
• 10:00 - 10:30 to receive this um Lord what I believe is absolutely crucial challenge in Jesus name amen I want to begin by asking you a simple question do you trust Jesus it's not rhetorical I'm actually hoping for a response there do you trust Jesus this morning do you think he knows what he's talking about do you think he has your best interest at heart I I agree with
• 10:30 - 11:00 you and so when we look in the heart of The Sermon on the Mount Jesus gives us an agenda I think for everyone's life and we don't usually apply this to marriage but what I want you to do is think about this in the marriage context it's Matthew 6:33 and here's what Jesus says seek first first Above All Else what the kingdom of God and his righteousness and he makes a promise if you do that these other things that
• 11:00 - 11:30 people pursue in that time it was really food and clothing because they didn't know we today we take those for granted we're more consumed by romance and other issues of life but Jesus said look don't let the concerns of the world steal you away from this iron clawed Focus seeking first my kingdom and righteousness and the reason I want you to ask yourself if you trust Jesus is this I hear a lot of Christian singles and I don't know where they found this trans CU I've checked out every Bible I
• 11:30 - 12:00 could find I've looked at New Living new revised standard the nasb NIV 1988 2011 editions I mean everyone I can get of I can't find this Rogue translation but it goes something like this seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness except when you're choosing someone to marry then seek first sexual chemistry romantic attraction relational compatibility marry them and then all these things will be added unto you as well
• 12:00 - 12:30 now if that was an important exception I Think Jesus would have added it I think he knows what he's talking about and if that verse is not true for who we choose to marry if it doesn't drive one of the most important decisions of our life what could it be true for but often I'm finding that Christian singles are getting married for roughly the same reason as non-Christian singles and I've mentioned those three sexual chemistry romantic attraction relational compatibility you get along have a good time on dates and
• 12:30 - 13:00 if those three things are present we think well that's is going to be a good marital match we don't really think through how does our faith how does our relationship with God challenge that it is so ingrained in our culture we never even think to question it it's like this when my family and I moved to Houston about two and a half years ago uh my kids are older now they're all in their 20s uh they heard my wife and I talking about having to get a new phone number and of course they said why we said what do you mean said you've both got cell
• 13:00 - 13:30 phones we have two numbers we can reach you why would you pay 20 bucks a month to get a landline and we thought H that they're they're right it's just in my generation that's what you did when you went to college you got your first telephone num it's pretty cool every time you moved to an apartment you moved to thing that's what you did you you hooked up the power you hooked up the phones that's what you did and so we were just going to do it by habit and they said you know it's really kind of outdated you don't need that anymore and if I were to ask you how many of your parents both of whom
• 13:30 - 14:00 have L uh cell phones are paying $ 20 to $30 a month for a landline just because they always have they they just don't question it and the same thing is sort of true in our culture that just because that's what we think makes a great relationship sexual chemistry romantic attraction getting along on date type activities we don't even think that there might be another question to ask even people who have been burned by this I talked to a woman when Time tough life
• 14:00 - 14:30 two ugly divorces the guys had been unfaithful both had gotten a little rough so she's talking to me about another guy that he he seems reluctant to marry her and she really wants my help and she's describing him and I become alarmed because he's exhibiting every symptom of those first two guys she married and so I had to ask her why do you want this relationship and I pointed out what I saw I said it seems to me you're about to marry the same guy and she said Gary you don't understand I
• 14:30 - 15:00 am deeply head over heels in love with this man I had to take in a deep breath all right I I didn't want to lose I said God let me be gentle I said all right let's talk about this were you in love with your first husband absolutely I was devastated when he left me right were you in love with your second husband yeah it was different he met different needs but yeah it was terrible when he cheated on me as as well I said maybe being in love with
• 15:00 - 15:30 someone isn't a good enough reason to get married and I know that sounds so bizarre and that sounds so like we're selling out and that's what our culture would say but I tried to point out to her look following that being in love has led you to two men who not are not healthy who are not helpful for you and you're about to make the same mistake CU she couldn't question that premise that if I'm in love of course we should pursue marriage and I'm trying to say not only does I
• 15:30 - 16:00 think do I think scripture would challenge that I think science would tell us how foolish that is let's take that romantic attraction because we know so much more about how our brains operate now I mean neurologists have made huge Leaps and Bounds in the last 15 to 20 years we know the lifespan of an infatuation is about 12 to 18 months that's what you get fun 12 to 18 months delicious 12 to 18 months but that's about it in fact under a scope and infatuation at 14 months is demonstrably
• 16:00 - 16:30 different than an infatuation at six and so making a lifelong decision on a neurochemical reaction that that really lasts shorter of a time than it takes to potty train one of your kids really might not be the wisest thing to do and the challenge is to make a decision on the basis of that infatuation what neurologists warn is that you go into a state they call idealization you literally start relating to a person who doesn't exist
• 16:30 - 17:00 you create them in your own mind you ascribe strengths to them through common things that nobody else would do it's like this let's say you're you're walking through Saga guy has his napkin onr the the napkin falls to the ground and he picks it up and you go to your friends and say he picked up the napkin did you see that he cares about the environment and I bet he's going to reuse it too I mean I just I I've never seen such a conscientious Christlike man
• 17:00 - 17:30 in my life have you and you what and then you start to see problems with that and you try to point it out to her you know are you sure he he seems kind of angry to me no he's passionate that's what I love about he's so passionate I it seemed to me like he was cussing that person out no actually I think he was speaking in tongues I think
• 17:30 - 18:00 I I I think he's calling on God to to transform this situation and and if you do that here it's not your fault I mean it's it's what our brain does but if you get married in that state here's what every pastor and every counselor has heard five years into the relationship he's not who I thought he was and that's a true statement because you married on something that can't last and and the same thing is with sexual
• 18:00 - 18:30 chemistry uh there was a Hollywood actress in a popular cable TV series no longer on the air during the height of her popularity wrote a sex manual for couples in it she described her husband as an artist in bed she said he had this virtuoso move that would send her over the top within months of the book coming out it was announced they were separated within a year they were divorced apparently being really good in bed doesn't necessarily mean you're really good in marriage they're two
• 18:30 - 19:00 different things now I I'm not saying infatuation is evil God created it we can even celebrate it it's God's design that he made our brains that way and and I'm not saying sexual chemistry doesn't matter at all in fact I'll be stronger than that if there is no sexual attraction it would be foolish to marry them if the thought of seeing this person naked makes you want to vomit please don't marry them all right that's
• 19:00 - 19:30 they're going to be real issues later on in in your marriage but but those are things that can't sustain a relationship not a single marriage has been sustained by infatuation and so marrying someone because of an infatuation or this is more radical not considering someone because there is no infatuation I think is a foolish thing to do I had a father came come up to me one time he said Gary you got to pray
• 19:30 - 20:00 for my daughter she's been with the perfect guy for four years now as a father of 220 somethings I I'm shocked that a guy would say his daughter's met the perfect man we're usually more far more difficult to please than that so the problem is she's never had that over-the-top romantic feeling toward him she admits he's perfect in every area but she feels like she's selling out because she's just never been that crazy and love type of thing and he said I'm afraid she's gonna meet some loser that she'll have those feelings for half the man that this guy is and she'll marry
• 20:00 - 20:30 him and she'll have a great 12 to 18 months as a girlfriend and be frustrated for decades as a wife do you realize we're not all capable of having the same degree of infatuation you're ability to become infatuated depends on your neurological map has sense partly to do with your sense of security and self-esteem so when I'm a pastor I have a couple come and they think the other one is more into they're more into that partner than the partner is into them I I have to explain we're not all capable
• 20:30 - 21:00 neurologically of having the same degree of infatuation and so I've had women pushed me back on this saying well Gary don't you really want your daughters to be in love when you're walking them up the aisle now that's a long answer I can't answer it this morning we don't have enough time I'm going to answer it tonight so I hope you come to Phelps hall there's a long answer I want to get into that what I'm trying to say is that infatuation alone sexual chemistry alone won't sustain America
• 21:00 - 21:30 marriage if you think though that marriage is just about sharing an infatuation having a high degree of sexual chemistry being able to enjoy each other on a date the problem is if those three things are present and you don't critique the message of our culture and what you've just assumed those premises then you're going to say oh this is a good person to marry this is a wise person to marry and that's why the subtitle of the Sacred search is this what if it's not about who you marry but why if you don't know the why of marriage you can't possibly know if
• 21:30 - 22:00 someone makes sense to be the who let me try to give you another analogy to explain what I mean by that if if I have a different job I'm going to call a different friend if I need to repair my roof there are some friends I would call and some I wouldn't because some of my friends would come over throw a piece of duct tape over it and say hey let's go watch the game a and they're not qualified if I got sued I have two friends who are brilliant lawyers they'd be the first ones I would call the type of job determines who I want to go
• 22:00 - 22:30 through that job with and the same thing is true of marriage if you don't know the why of marriage if you haven't applied your faith to marriage if you don't know what skills are necessary to have a successful fulfilling spiritually profitable marriage you won't know whether to evaluate someone you'll just by default am I infatuated would I like to see him naked do we like to have a good time around pizza then okay we'll get married what I'm saying you could have those three things with any number of people but it might not be a successful marriage we need to go deeper
• 22:30 - 23:00 than that we need to ask the why because those three things that I just mentioned in a lot of ways they're inherently selfish reasons and you know why so many marriages break down this doesn't sound so profound but I'll tell you it's true we get bored with each other think about it I mean this is just a human condition none of us are so fascinating that we can keep somebody Enchanted for five or six
• 23:00 - 23:30 decades we're just not I mean even if you're Jerry Seinfeld or Tina Fay after a few years your spouse has heard your stuff they know your stories as well as you do a and selfishness gets boring even famous selfish people or Rich selfish people or beautiful selfish people why don't Hollywood marriages last but if we take Jesus's words seriously to seek first the kingom of God and you've got two people who are
• 23:30 - 24:00 pursuing God's kingdom and God is a God who cares so much he he he throws his passion at us whether it's to stop sexual trafficking whether it's to stand up for The Unborn whether it's to get clean water into a country whether it's to take the gospel to places that have never heard it before God cares so much and when he gives a couple that vision and that purpose and if it's ever accomplished he's got plenty more in his back pocket to give to us that enough will that that alone will keep the
• 24:00 - 24:30 couple talking and committed and loving and praying together and then when he says seek first his righteousness that's actually a great recipe for marriage because if I'm honestly seeking Christ's righteousness every day I'm dying bit by bit to those things that destroy marriage selfishness arrogance irritability harshness and every day I'm building bit by bit those aspects of Christ patience
• 24:30 - 25:00 humility kindness gentleness and I'm falling in love with my wife because she's literally becoming a new person she's not stagnant in her selfishness she's seeking first the kingdom of God God is giving her New Visions she's seeking first his righteousness there's a new woman I have to get to know she is twice the woman she was when I married her 28 years ago how could we possibly get bored with each other here's what
• 25:00 - 25:30 I'm trying to say small lives can't sustain big marriages small lives can't sustain big marriages if you get married for selfish reasons to have a small life I don't care how beautiful famous or wealthy they are it won't last if you get married with someone with whom together you can seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness what you love about that person will be deeper 3 four decades into the marriage it it won't fade like
• 25:30 - 26:00 infatuation that's why when Stephen mentioned sacred marriage with the subtit what if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy if I'm seeking first God's righteousness when I face those issues in marriage that bring up frustration rather than resent them I I'm thankful you want you want to talk about small lives one of the first big disagreements my wife and I had in our marriage this is so pathetic but it's true was ice cube trays the family I grew up in if you got
• 26:00 - 26:30 an ice cube you're supposed to refill the tray and put it back in the freezer so the next person will have a nice full tray of ice cubes and I'm convinced that's the biblical way to handle yourself in the kitchen my wife unfortunately grew up in a family run those things down to a nice chip as long as there's anything you could scrape off with a knife you weren't morally obligated to refill the tray and put it back in the freezer so as a new husband not only have to get used to drinking warm Pepsi I had to deal with my frustration that I couldn't explain to my new bride how crucial it
• 26:30 - 27:00 was to have this full tray of ice cubes whenever I wanted it I just couldn't get across her how important it was so one night she's speaking romantically to me and I thought here's my chance right I I'm going to use this opening she says Gary I'm going to love you forever I said honey I don't need you to love me forever I need you to love me for seven seconds she said what are you talking about I timed how long it takes to fill the ice cube trays
• 27:00 - 27:30 and I know it it's it's pathetic but when I realize that I'm I'm not putting Holiness and happiness against each other but when I realize that marriage helps reveal my selfishness my sense of entitlement my pride then I can appreciate those aspects of marriage instead of resent them it's not like I enjoy asking for forgiveness or granting forgiveness but to become more like Christ I I I need to do those things and so I want to marry a
• 27:30 - 28:00 partner who will help me do that and yet that's what amazes me when some Christians even contemplate marrying a non-believer Can I Be Honest 1 John 4:9 why does John say why does the Apostle John say we love he says we love why because he first loved us so what John is saying that somebody who doesn't experience God's love who hasn't received God's grace is not
• 28:00 - 28:30 really going to have the knowledge or the capability to reveal that love or to have God's grace so you're marrying someone with whom you're saying I think he's so kind I think she's so wonderful out of the goodness of their fallen nature they can love me enough and what you're really saying there you know what the Holy Spirit just isn't that big of a deal I don't think he makes that big of a difference in somebody's life I think it's capable to love someone as much on your own as you would with the Holy Spirit working through you and you know what Revelation scripture I don't think
• 28:30 - 29:00 it matters that much I think if someone is generally smart if they're well read they don't need special Revelation they don't need to have a passion to study scriptures I I don't think it matters that much and I think this whole business about wanting to pray to God and yeah it's a little overrated things don't really change when we pray anyway when you contemplate that you would join your life of trying to seek first God's kingdom and righteous with someone who doesn't even think that way that's literally what you're saying look
• 29:00 - 29:30 marriage is Rich but it's difficult if I had a hundred lives I want to be married and everyone but here's the thing seeking first God's kingdom has given me a new love for my wife so that I I'm not just saying this as some speaker trying to make a point that that my wife and I are more into our marriage 28 years in than we were at 28 weeks or 28 months because you know what what really changed my marriage is when I realize I married God's daughter and
• 29:30 - 30:00 when I had Daughters of my own I got it cuz if you want to get on my good side all you have to do is be good to one of my daughters I know my daughters aren't perfect I I know one of them can have an attitude I know one of them has a tendency to do this but I'm still praying that God will send them men who will still love them and adore them a and make them feel safe even though they have these weaknesses because they'll always be my girls and it scares me how desperately I want them to be loved and
• 30:00 - 30:30 when I realize that God feels about my wife just like I feel about my daughters everything about my marriage changed that God isn't just my father when I get married he became my father in- law and he's passionate about her which helped me to understand Peter I never got this before when Peter told husbands husbands treat your wives with respect why so that nothing will hinder your prayers I said wow that's that's kind of wild I
• 30:30 - 31:00 I thought I had to pray to have a better marriage and Peter's telling me no you have to have a better marriage to pray when I understood God as my heavenly father-in-law I got it because if there was a guy who came up to me and said Gary I'm going to give you 10% of my income I'm going to memorize your books I'm going to tell others about you I'm going to try to get everybody to buy your books but he's abusing my daughter he's neglecting my daughter I'm going to have one conversation with him and one thing only hey buddy if you respect me you take care of my little girl I have
• 31:00 - 31:30 nothing else to say to you we have nothing else to talk about this is square one if we're going to keep talking you show respect to my girl and when I got married that's how God looks at me and guys this isn't just true in marriage if you are predatory toward God's daughters that you're not even married to God has one thing to say to you when you go to prayer if you want to be intimate with your heavenly father you better start thinking about him as a a potential father-in-law but here's the thing
• 31:30 - 32:00 worship becomes more important as you get older I I got married at 22 and there have been 28 years now of me messing up and God forgiving me and God restoring me and God healing me and God working with me his mercies are new every morning I have 28 years more reason to honor his daughter out of reverence for him so while infatuation Fades my love and respect and commitment to her grows because it's based on the
• 32:00 - 32:30 kingdom of God not some neurological funny stuff going on in my head and when marriage works it's such a beautiful thing so friends of ours Boon and Annie he's a high school math teacher never had much money they actually make just about as much breeding dogs which is better than breeding cats all right they're bringing good dogs into the world three beautiful children adopted five more two of them from inner city Tacoma the mom was whacked out and I see those kids today and I know what their
• 32:30 - 33:00 life would have been and the Miracle of a couple that took them in and the gift they gave to human beings by being adopted parents I I've met a woman that does what I do that speaking up front and her husband is amazing behind the scenes he carries her books he manages the money he does everything she is able to minister as she does because he is behind her two people in our church Dave and Tanya conception didn't come easily to them they're only able to have one child but they teach in our church
• 33:00 - 33:30 they're leaders in our church such a strong couple in s some sense they become parents in our church I know very well two professional golfers one of whom has won a major they've all won they both won multiple tournaments and they say the reason they give testimony to Christ the reason they still have the money they earned is early on in their life they found strong Christian women who brought them deeper into the faith they had families they were responsible with their money they talk about these young single guys they get all of this money and it is gone in
• 33:30 - 34:00 years because they don't step up to responsibility a good marriage is a gift that keeps on giving you get one chance most of us will get one chance trust Jesus in this forget what the world values seek first what the kingdom of God and his righteousness we're going to talk tonight a little bit more than if it's
• 34:00 - 34:30 not sexual chemistry romantic attraction relational compatibility then what does matter that's what I'll go through tonight but I want you to keep Matthew 633 in mind let me pray for you father I I just ask your blessing over here I pray that you would blow up relationships that are not wise that would be destructive out of love that you would show minds and hearts that these shouldn't go forward father I pray that you might open up eyes of some who would be blinded to each other where it could be a great relationship but they've been fooled by this world into
• 34:30 - 35:00 thinking it's not what they think it should be but Lord for all of us help us to trust you whether we're called to singleness or marriage help us to earnestly seek your kingdom and trust that those other concerns that drive the world Lord you'll take care of those if we focus on your kingdom and your righteousness in Jesus name amen [Applause]