Narcissistic Parents: 3 Lifelong Battles Their Abused Adult Children Struggle With

Summary

In this insightful video, Jerry Wise unpacks the significant challenges faced by adult children of narcissistic or dysfunctional parents. He highlights three key lifelong struggles: recycling, reactivity, and relationship issues. Jerry explains how these struggles are rooted in deep emotional dynamics and family systems, hindering personal growth and healthy relationships. By addressing these patterns through self-differentiation and family systems thinking, individuals can break free from these cycles and embrace their true selves.

Highlights

• The three Rs of lifelong struggles: recycling, reactivity, and relationships 🎯
• Recycling involves repeating emotional and behavioral patterns learned in childhood 🔄
• Reactivity refers to automatic, often intense emotional responses that are hardwired from early life ⚡
• Relationship challenges often stem from normalized emotional chaos and manipulation in childhood 🤯
• Jerry Wise emphasizes the importance of self-differentiation to overcome these challenges 🗝️

Key Takeaways

• Recycling problems often leads to repeating emotional struggles from childhood 💭
• Reactivity can manifest as emotional triggers that lead to automatic responses ⚡
• Relationship struggles are common; finding healthy connections is crucial 🤝
• Self-differentiation is key to overcoming these lifelong challenges 🔑
• Understanding family dynamics can help break these dysfunctional cycles 🔄

Overview

In this compelling video, Jerry Wise delves into the intricate emotional legacies left by narcissistic or dysfunctional parents. He introduces viewers to the concept of the three Rs: recycling, reactivity, and relationships, common struggles that adult children face throughout their lives. Jerry explains how these adverse patterns can seem insurmountable yet are deeply rooted in family dynamics and emotional paradigms.

Recycling refers to the repeated perpetuation of emotional struggles and roles from one's childhood, such as the peacemaker or the scapegoat. Such roles can shape adult life, often remaining unnoticed, just like a fish unaware of water. Reactivity evokes highly charged emotional responses to certain triggers, usually as a learned survival mechanism from childhood.

Jerry concludes by stressing the essential process of self-differentiation and family systems thinking. These approaches offer individuals a pathway to redefine and separate their identities from the dysfunctional legacies of their past. Jerry invites viewers to embark on this transformative journey towards individual wholeness, breaking free from the cycles of dysfunction.

Narcissistic Parents: 3 Lifelong Battles Their Abused Adult Children Struggle With Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 hey hi everyone my name is Jerry wise and for over 45 years I've been helping people heal through self differentiation to get their family dysfunction out of them and become the true selves they were never allowed to be in this video I'm going to talk about three issues that you've probably struggled with your entire life if your parent is a narcissist or is dysfunctional toxic
• 00:30 - 01:00 neglectful emotionally immature uh or any of the other labels on the spectrum that often times different problems do cause different effects but often the problems as to why they're there in the first place have to do with deeper Dynamics and deeper emotional Dynamics even underneath the problems and there are three problems that usually result as the effect of growing up in a
• 01:00 - 01:30 narcissistic home working with thousands of clients over the years I often see three common struggles in people with difficult family histories and I call them the three Rs one R stands for recycling we tend to recycle the same issues over and over and over again in other words let's say you've had a problem growing up in a dysfunction functional family and you were
• 01:30 - 02:00 programmed with a lot of systems feeling shame that was a part of the system to keep you functioning in a certain way you then absorbed this shame and that became your pseudo self or who you thought you were and so we then recycle this shame growing up as we become an adult later as we become an adult in relationships and but we just keep recycling the same issue isues over and
• 02:00 - 02:30 over they're just newer problems or newer relationships and so our Paradigm doesn't change much from when we grew up with our family often times people will believe they have changed so much from their family of origin in other words okay well my parents were heavily hyper religious so then they grow up and they decide they're not going to be religious at all and so they are going to demonstrate that through I'm not going
• 02:30 - 03:00 to be a part of the church or I'm not going to believe in God see how different I am from my family of origin and my view of it is no you're still recycling the same problem you're just come the but the symptoms are different but it's the still the same core problem um because now it's important to you to be anti-religious versus heavily hyper religious well anti-religious
• 03:00 - 03:30 and Hyper religious are not that far apart they still have the same Paradigm and the same Dynamics they just are demonstrated in a different way so often we don't change our real Paradigm and our real way of thinking our real emotional life within us and we just keep recycling the problems I don't seem to get better I do learn more I maybe gr uh uh gain more data gain more knowledge which is not bad data and knowledge is
• 03:30 - 04:00 not bad but it's not the same thing as becoming whole second of all the second R is for reactivity we end up being triggered into high reactivity I've talked to some people say oh well I'm not reactive I stay pretty calm uh most of the time and um and so they would say so when I was growing up I would stay calm there would start to be arguing and frustrating going on and so I just got
• 04:00 - 04:30 up and withdrew and the family never heard from me that's reactivity going on inside of you you must withdraw because of the reactivity in that lower brain and what's going on inside your body you're having this reactivity but you're not aware of it but you can either withdraw or you can become embroiled or and mesed but actually both of them are too much closeness in other words being anti
• 04:30 - 05:00 something is not the same as being neutral I'm still pushing against something I don't like or don't want to have there's and there are not there are reasons why how that can be helpful I'm not against that but we don't realize how much reactivity there has been in our older Generations in the past and in our current family of origin and in ourselves where most people are not
• 05:00 - 05:30 aware of how much reactivity they have and how much anxiety they have as well thirdly the third R is relationships and that's relationships just aren't working they're a problem maybe I've been married twice three times just can't find the right person I've dated different people i' and you know I just can't find the person that will that I can live with or be with uh or maybe the relationship ships you've been in have
• 05:30 - 06:00 been manipulative or abusive or you know and so relationships just don't seem to work like you'd like them to work and for many people their family of origin relationships don't work very well and their own romantic and friendship relationships don't work very well either and so relationships always end up being a big problem and I found that uh so many of the people I've worked with over these 45 years years just did
• 06:00 - 06:30 not have a good map and that's what self- differentiation and family systems thinking will give you a much much better map and how you deal with all three of these recycling reactivity and relationships that are dysfunctional let's go a little deeper into each one number one recycling the same issues over decades if you grew up in a narcissistic or Dysfunctional Family the
• 06:30 - 07:00 same emotional struggles and dysfunctional habits tend to follow you throughout life regardless of how much your circumstances change until you believe that it's your true self these unresolved patterns in childhood become integrated and ingrained and show up in every area of life whether with family or in relationships or even when you're alone how you treat yourself we'll find
• 07:00 - 07:30 repeating those patterns over and over how we treat relationships we'll find a pattern treating them over and over how we relate to family of origin again the problems just continue to recycle we don't move forward we just keep staying in a circle now we might have a little bit of improvement and I'm not saying we don't as we grow and age or mature but we still tend to do this and kind of go in circles or what I also call called the pendulum we'll go over here and be
• 07:30 - 08:00 um way over here and feel very unmeshed and then over here we're cutting everybody off because of the enmeshment so both sides are because of enmeshment adults from dysfunctional families this recycling of emotion emotional challenges often includes carrying old emotional burdens feeling responsible for others emotional well-being a role
• 08:00 - 08:30 you learned as a child and number two reenacting childhood roles whether as The Peacemaker the scapegoat or the perfect child you may continue playing these roles in adult relationships without even realizing it because it's just a part of your normal seat so you may not even see it it's like asking a fish do you realize you're
• 08:30 - 09:00 swimming in water and the fish would say what water what is water because that's their whole habitat so they don't see it so separate from themselves like water what's water thirdly guilt and obligation Cycles setting boundaries may feel like a betrayal to the family or to the family member or or even to a husband or a wife or children or setting boundaries may feel like a betrayal causing guilt
• 09:00 - 09:30 to pull you back into unhealthy Dynamics making emotional Independence very difficult to achieve so that's a very common problem we have in the uh recycling of problems shame based thinking messages like I'm not good enough or I have to be perfect to be loved often become ingrained shaping your self View and choices in
• 09:30 - 10:00 relationships and that's number four number five is setting boundaries too late or not at all growing up without healthy boundaries can leave you unsure as to when or how to set them leading to Delayed Action or avoidance altogether and so then when we have trouble setting boundaries we don't set them in time and or we may not set them at all that's a recycling problem that
• 10:00 - 10:30 can go throughout your whole life it not only affected you when you were 16 but now at 46 you may age 46 you may have difficulty still setting boundaries and when we we feel like we haven't grown up or we're still doing those same old problems again that's what I mean by recycling we're just recycling the same problems over and over and over again secondly I want to talk about the r of reactivity being triggered into
• 10:30 - 11:00 reactivity reactivity occurs when an emotional trigger prompts you to respond automatically without thought often escalating tension or leaving you feeling worse these automatic reactions are often survival strategies learned in childhood when quick responses were necessary to manage unpredictable or unsafe situations as human beings we
• 11:00 - 11:30 have within us the side of us that is the fight or flight part of us where we are triggered in that way we need to know if the dinosaur is coming our way and there's something or the lion or the Tiger or whatever we need to be we need to be alerted in that well I don't live with too many tigers or dinosaurs around me these days but I still have that old mechanism that is still triggering and it can trigger for in relationships as
• 11:30 - 12:00 well so for adults from narcissistic or dysfunctional families reactivity can take different forms Intense or chronic emotions like guilt shame anxiety uh or abandon abandonment can become deeply familiar even if they no no longer serve you or even if they no longer fit in the situation for example you marry someone
• 12:00 - 12:30 and you guys are in love things are going well and and let's I'll use a female but it could be a male it doesn't matter who the example is but let's say the uh the female's off to work and the husband's at home and she's coming home late but he's not aware of that he doesn't know why she's coming home late she just he just realizes she's not she's not here I wonder what's wrong and um and he that may trigger some abandonment and anxiety within us and
• 12:30 - 13:00 now we become more reactive now she comes in and comes comes through the door and all of a sudden I've got an attitude I haven't even heard why she hasn't didn't come home on time there may be a very good reason why she didn't come home one time this was not her Mo but I've already become triggered already become reactive and now I'm coming into the interaction with her with all of that and that's where we just keep being reactive over and over
• 13:00 - 13:30 and over throughout our life anger outbursts emotional shutdowns or defensiveness are also a part of this uh recycling of reactivity and being triggered these protective responses were likely learned to manage overwhelming emotions or relational stress and again they were early on there to help us manage ourselves but now now these become in the way of what
• 13:30 - 14:00 we're doing if I'm having an angry Outburst because the cake that was made was uh chocolate and I wanted a vanilla cake now we have a an outof control emotional reactivity and and being triggered over a cake and and we don't need that there's no lion going to jump out and bite you you know we could just say Oh I thought we were going to have vanilla cake I was looking forward that well we're going to have chocolate I
• 14:00 - 14:30 don't like it as much but I'll eat just a little bit yeah I mean that's what but instead we have Angry outbursts or emotional shutdowns because of our reactivity that's overwhelming us also we can be over apologizing or people pleasing as a part of how this reactivity occurs to avoid conflict or rejection you might react quickly appeasing others even if the expense of your own needs and again I might become
• 14:30 - 15:00 immediately more compliant because I I want to please you but that need that comes up or desire to become compliant is a part of your overreactivity inside you and it's going to lead you in a bad Direction emotional flashbacks certain words or situations can emotionally transport you back to childhood triggering a fight ORF flight
• 15:00 - 15:30 response even though you are safe in the present moment and again when we become reactive and I think trauma can do this uh certainly causes this as well but then we want to reduce our reactivity in the family of origin and our relationship emotional field and dynamic which will help reduce the trauma triggering that happens as well we're
• 15:30 - 16:00 not firing with two guns will them just be firing with one that's going to feel a lot better than if you're firing with oh this is my childhood past and this triggers my trauma and now we got two things going on here and it becomes more difficult to manage overidentifying with others emotions is a means of being and acting out reactivity feeling responsible for managing how others feel
• 16:00 - 16:30 can leave you overwhelmed and overwhelmed with guilt and shame and anxiety when they're unhappy so now we have this reactivity and that's one of our reactive things can happen I want to jump in there and make it okay for you I want to jump in there to manage how you're feeling that you won't feel hurt you won't feel upset we take over for other people's roles and what they should be doing for themselves and that comes out of our reactivity the third R
• 16:30 - 17:00 is relationships and that relationships just aren't working many adults from narcissistic or dysfunctional families struggle with relationships dysfunctional family systems normalize emotional chaos emotional manipulation emotional control making it difficult to form healthy fulfilling connections as a result adult relationships may feel one-sided draining or or toxic leaving you stuck
• 17:00 - 17:30 resentful or disconnected so how does this struggle show up in several ways the problems with the relationships and again this just these relationship problems just keep continuing attracting emotionally unavailable Partners without realizing it you may be drawn to Partners who feel familiar replicating the emotional distance control or neglect you experience growing up they they feel
• 17:30 - 18:00 like an old pair of genes that just feel just right the problem is these pair of genes have spikes in them but we're used to the spikes because that's what we grew up with so we find a gene that's kind of a spiky Gene relationship that we have and somehow it feels normal to us over functioning in relationships is another way we express this struggle in
• 18:00 - 18:30 the third R of relationships you might take on more responsibility for the relationship than your partner which can leave you exhausted and resentful fear of intimacy or vulnerability if emotional closeness meant betrayal or harm in the past you may avoid deep connection as a form of self- protection I'm not going to be married again I'm not going to trust anybody else again I don't trust anybody I'm not
• 18:30 - 19:00 going to be vulnerable to anybody because I know what happens when you do and it's not good that is a part of us we want to heal it doesn't mean you have to be married doesn't mean you have to date someone doesn't mean you have to do any of that we're talking about healing a part of us that's not whole it's not setting the relationship you have to have to be normal people can resolve their intimacy and vulner ability issues
• 19:00 - 19:30 and remain single because but we still want to resolve those some of the most intimate people I know are single um and and they can be vulnerable and very comfortable with you and it's like so it's not like okay they can't do relationships oh they can they may choose not to have a partner which you can choose fourthly this third R relationships just aren't working is settling for toxic Dynamics
• 19:30 - 20:00 relationships that lack mutual respect connection or fun may feel normal to you if you've never experienced healthy relationships you may even struggle to believe that you deserve something better because our Paradigm our programming is so broken that we think I need the toxic Dynamics that's just what's normal I want to help break your normal I want to help break your malignant
• 20:00 - 20:30 normaly and I think not because I want to break you because I want you to be free to be able to see things in a healthy way and again I think the you can look for a relationship again a toxic Dynamic maybe someone who's just way too much into the drama and so drama has been something you were used to Growing Up funny oddly enough I find someone who ends up being just as dramatic as my family of origin because
• 20:30 - 21:00 within me that's what I saw as normal and acceptable and feels right though right in quotes the root of many of these lifelong struggles whether emotional challenges reactivity or unhealthy relationships stems from a lack of self-differentiation self-differentiation is the process of learning to separate your sense of self from the emotional entanglements of your
• 21:00 - 21:30 family system and becoming the authentic person you were always meant to be regardless of how others behave or whether they approve some key tips would be your core problems are not located near the pain or your core problems are not located near the symptom often times we have been taught to deal with our problems to try to deal with symptoms but we don't widen our view to
• 21:30 - 22:00 see in a family systems way this may be a problem the symptom is over here the core problems over here and the solutions over here but if we only look at this we'll never find this and that's what I think family systems thinking and self- differentiation can help you find where the core problem is second L get your family out of you work on getting
• 22:00 - 22:30 your family out of you I advise people to do that so they can be themselves again there's a free training down there it's mentioned in the description click on it make an appointment and watch that programming it's totally free focus on building the differentiated self you were never allowed to be build a solid sense of self that is not impacted by by the dysfunction around you to the
• 22:30 - 23:00 greater degree that we can do that the more peace Vision Direction and health we're going to have as adults so do I become a solid self perfectly by the time I die I'm not a perfect solid self and I'm fairly older than probably most of you listening and that uh I'm still working on it but I don't even recognize myself from you know 30 40 years ago I
• 23:00 - 23:30 don't even recognize that jury anymore and I'm glad not because he was a bad person but he was just so lost so confused I didn't I didn't have a map that told me where to go or do anything uh and it was quite frustrating and now things feel much more clear much more calm much more directed and much more self compassion and self-love for
• 23:30 - 24:00 me which I really didn't have you can start your self- differentiation process now join the free training below I want to thank you for watching today I hope you'll subscribe comment and like this video have a great day and be wise