Pickup Korea Podcast: Setting the Frame in Dating and the "Oppa Frame"

Summary

In this episode of Pickup Korea Podcast, the host delves into the intricate dynamics of dating frames in Korea, particularly emphasizing the importance of having a strong presence and self-belief. The episode provides insights into the 'Oppa Frame,' a concept rooted in Korean culture where the male takes the lead in interactions. The discussion focuses on maintaining a CEO-like mindset in relationships, ensuring you lead with authority while allowing your partner to invest in the interaction. This approach, the host argues, not only prevents resentment but also fosters more genuine and fulfilling connections. Engaging stories and cultural nuances are used to illustrate these points, making it a comprehensive guide to understanding and implementing effective dating strategies in the Korean context.

Highlights

• Understanding 'frames' can transform your dating dynamics like a pro! 🔥
• Lead with confidence and set the stage for healthy interaction. 🎭
• Resentment grows when you're too reactive in relationships; be proactive! 🤔
• Korean dating culture emphasizes traditional roles; learn to embrace the 'Oppa Frame.' 🎎
• Setting the right frame early avoids surprises and ensures smooth dating experiences. 🚦
• Balancing busyness with attentive communication keeps relationships thriving. 📈

Key Takeaways

• Having a strong 'frame' means maintaining a leadership role in interactions and relationships. 💪
• The 'Oppa Frame' is crucial in Korean dating culture, where the man is seen as the leader and source of experience. 👨‍🏫
• Avoid being passive; lead the interaction to prevent resentment and ensure relational fulfillment. 🚀
• Set the dating frame early by balancing assertiveness and allowing your partner to invest. 👫
• Cultural nuances, such as more frequent communication in Korean dating, should be managed while maintaining your pursuits. 📱
• Reveal your personality traits early in interactions to maintain congruency and authentic connections. 🤝

Overview

Dating can often feel like a dance, where knowing your steps early can set the rhythm for a fulfilling partnership. In this episode of Pickup Korea Podcast, the host guides listeners through the concept of 'frames' in dating, focusing on how a weak frame can sabotage self-worth and relationship health. By adapting a CEO-like mindset, one can steer interactions with a balance of leadership and mutual engagement.

The podcast introduces listeners to the 'Oppa Frame' — a quintessential aspect of Korean dating where the male figure is expected to lead and provide a safe harbor for the partner. This framework taps into traditional gender dynamics, fostering a natural interplay where women can find comfort and guidance in their 'Oppa.' It’s about crafting an ambiance where both parties feel validated and connected.

Listeners are reminded that consistency in behavior and communication is key to sustaining any relationship. Whether it's through maintaining an aura of confidence or clearly communicating life goals and personal boundaries, this episode encourages individuals to be authentic and steadfast. The host asserts that through understanding cultural nuances and setting clear relational 'frames,' one can navigate the complex terrain of modern dating with aplomb.

Chapters

• 00:00 - 03:00: Introduction and Framing in Dating The chapter begins with an introduction to the pickup Korea podcast, setting the stage for a discussion on the concept of 'frames' within the context of dating. Frames refer to the underlying perceptions and narratives that shape interactions and relationships. The host emphasizes the importance of understanding and managing frames to influence dating dynamics effectively. The chapter aims to provide insights and strategies for listeners to apply in their own dating experiences.
• 03:00 - 08:00: Client Issues and Victim Mentality in Relationships In this chapter titled 'Client Issues and Victim Mentality in Relationships,' the discussion centers around a common issue observed in coaching clients and new gamers - a weak frame. The 'frame' is defined as one's presence, self-belief, and leadership in interactions. The content suggests that many individuals, especially those new to dating or social interactions, exhibit a lack of confidence and authority, which could undermine their relationship dynamics. Further elaboration is based on recent coaching experiences with clients.
• 08:00 - 13:00: Cultural Nuances and Personal Boundaries This chapter discusses how individuals often perceive themselves as passive participants or victims in interactions, particularly in the context of cultural nuances and personal boundaries. The narrative highlights a pattern where people express a sense of helplessness or resignation, exemplified by statements such as 'she wouldn't let me do this' or 'she went this way so I just gave up.' This reflects a broader commentary on how these perceptions can shape interpersonal relationships, especially between genders.
• 13:00 - 18:00: Interacting with Confidence and Setting Expectations This chapter discusses adopting a CEO mindset when interacting with confidence, particularly in social situations. It emphasizes presenting oneself with the mindset, behaviors, voice, and body language of a boss. The focus is on believing in oneself and setting the tone during interactions, instead of taking a subordinate position. The discussion highlights the importance of entering interactions with confidence and self-assuredness, reflecting an attitude of leadership.
• 18:00 - 24:00: Maintaining a Strong Frame and the Oppa Frame The chapter discusses the concept of maintaining a strong frame during interactions, emphasizing that leading doesn't mean dictating. The importance of allowing the other person to invest in the interaction is highlighted, suggesting that human nature dictates whether the other individual will choose to follow or engage. The narrative reflects on experiences with clients facing issues in relationships where they feel constrained by their partner's decisions.
• 24:00 - 30:00: Observation and Modelling Behavior This chapter explores the dynamics of control and influence within relationships, using a scenario where a man wants to leave the house for personal activities, but his female companion restricts him. It highlights the roles of dominance and reactions, questioning who holds power and initiates action. The narrative focuses on understanding behavioral patterns in interactions, particularly identifying the cause and effect in relationships and who is in control.
• 30:00 - 33:00: Final Thoughts and Invitation for Feedback The chapter emphasizes the importance of leadership roles within a relationship. It suggests that a man being passive and reacting only to what a woman allows can lead to dissatisfaction. The idea is presented that true happiness and fulfillment in a relationship come from the man embodying his values and taking an active, leading role, rather than being subservient or 'whipped.'

Pickup Korea Podcast: Setting the Frame in Dating and the "Oppa Frame" Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 [Music] welcome to the pickup korea podcast and today i want to discuss frames okay
• 00:30 - 01:00 so a big problem i've been seeing recently in clients i coach and uh other gamers who are just starting out is that they tend to have a very very weak frame okay and so what are we talking about when we talk about frame so the frame is basically your presence your self-belief and how you come off as sort of a leader in the interaction right and so for example after coaching a couple recent guys
• 01:00 - 01:30 they would interact with these women they would um be very passive like even after talking to them they would say oh she would she wouldn't let me do this or she won't let me do that or she went this way so i just gave up right and so it's a very like meek weak like i'm the victim of the interaction i am the woman of you know sort of i'm the one in the interaction i'm the victim of the interaction
• 01:30 - 02:00 and it's sort of like she's the man i'm the or she's the ceo i am the whatever the slave or the secretary who works for free the intern or something like that right and so ultimately you want to come in into these interactions with that ceo mindset you're the boss you're out there you know you have the mindset of a boss the behaviors the voice the body language and ultimately you believe in yourself however when talking to the girls
• 02:00 - 02:30 you lead the interaction but you don't necessarily you're leading but you're not necessarily dictating because you always give that person a chance to invest and ultimately in human nature it's up to them if they're going to follow you if they're going to engage back in the interaction etc right and so uh one huge problem like i mentioned after working with a few recent clients like you know they'll be dating a girl and everything and then they'll say she won't let me they have a
• 02:30 - 03:00 girl at their house and uh you know maybe she spent the night or something and the guy wants to go to the gym the next day he wants to go game he wants to do something else whatever it be and oh she won't let me leave the house she won't let me do this so it's very clear who is at the cause who is that the effect of the interaction in other words it's very clear who who's wearing the pants who's leading who's the man and who's the reactionary right and so there really is not going to be a
• 03:00 - 03:30 successful happy relationship if the woman is leading it that's just the facts like anytime that a woman is leading it and the man is just reactionary and she won't let me do this she won't let me do that you're ultimately not going to be happy because you are sort of sacrificing your values you are you're not being a man in his prime you're not being an actual man and you're just sort of either the term you know people call that whipped or just a a weakling a or whatever you
• 03:30 - 04:00 want to call it uh and you're ultimately going to end up like resentful right so for example a client i was talking about she won't let me leave the house and go to the gym or won't let me go do this right and then ultimately you just grow to resent that girl you grow to resent the other person when indeed it was your fault right so you could have easily said listen i've got to go i have the gym personal training appointment at 1 pm we'll meet up you know maybe later in the week or something and she says no then you just go anyways
• 04:00 - 04:30 you acting you're acting on your life it's your life you know you're the ceo of your life you don't let the secretary or the intern dictate the direction of the company right or the actions of the ceo so um yeah that's that's just one example right another example would be like she wants me to text her a hundred times a day and this and that and call her 50 times i mean to a degree if you're in a relationship or you're gaming or you're meeting girls or have you know multiple
• 04:30 - 05:00 relationships you are going to need to keep in touch with them right i mean like any relationship with a friend with a employee or what have you however it just goes back to the original point which is that you're not going to let the employee the the intern dictate you know uh how often that you email them or something like that right and so uh that being said of course with korean girls as opposed to western girls a very
• 05:00 - 05:30 important cultural nuance is that they do generally contact or message more they do generally call more and things along those lines but that being said it's up to you to set the frame early by expressing and communicating that you're a busy guy you know you have multiple jobs multiple pursuits you know maybe you you do muay thai class every day you do personal training you're starting a business you have your own you work at a company
• 05:30 - 06:00 you have uh you know language courses you're living a very you know busy uh thriving life that doesn't necessarily allow you to just sit on your phone all day and message and waste your life away right and so a lot of guys think a lot of guys think that they that girls want a guy like that where he doesn't have a life he doesn't go to the gym doesn't meet friends doesn't learn new doesn't start new businesses but in reality it's not true right
• 06:00 - 06:30 and ultimately if you are that guy you're not really going to have a happy successful life and on top of that you are really falling into the frame that you know the girl is going to end up like like if you're texting her all the time you're not doing with your life she's going to expect you to non-stop text her and then when you stop that say now you're gonna try to reel back the texting you're gonna text a little less meet her a little less because you have other things to do like like with any guy you know new business
• 06:30 - 07:00 endeavor um maybe you're just you're trying to gain more meet new new girls new people or uh whatever it be right whatever it is travel to new places then she's gonna be shocked she's because you flip the frame on her you went from little little passive guy let her lead it let her tell you how much you text her you set the precedent that you are that kind of guy and then you flipped it so it's uh it is incongruent it is
• 07:00 - 07:30 disingenuous right and so that's why it's very important early to set these frames right and then uh another one recently is like guys going on dates and really not leading the dates like sort of letting the girl dictate all the conversational um conversational topics and then also really not being like so there's a story okay recently i was reading this uh some old literature there's the story of like the scorpion
• 07:30 - 08:00 and the frog right and it's like like the scorpion you know the scorpion the frog are together and uh the frog wants to cross the river and then uh the scorpio the frog says oh yeah but you might bite me and then the or sorry the frog says oh you might bite me scorpion the scorpion says no i don't i don't sting i don't bite it's okay the frog says okay well all right i'll jump in the boat with you so he jumps in the boat with a scorpion lo and behold they're crossing the river
• 08:00 - 08:30 the scorpion stings the frog and the frog says god damn it you know why'd you do that and he goes it's in my nature i'm a scorpion right and so a lot of guys what i notice when it comes to frame when it comes to masculinity they will talk with girls on the street you know or where have you a cafe a bar and it's too friendly it's too bland it's too plain and it's like they're trying to be overly friendly they're trying to be overly fighting for rapport overly like
• 08:30 - 09:00 like they're trying to hide their dick they're trying to hide that they're a man they're trying to hide their scorpion tail so to speak right which stings right and so it's like in the interaction when you're talking to her initially you have to show her that scorpion tail it's it can be in your eye contact you know having generating that sexual feeling in your body when you're talking to her maybe she has huge tits big lips and you're just excited you're getting kind of hard you're getting a boner and you're like looking her in the eyes talking to her more slowly seductively that being said it's not like the whole
• 09:00 - 09:30 interaction has to be like that that would be weird that'd be kind of creepy however the girl needs to know that you have a tail right and then even on the date it's like if it's just this friendly a whole day it's just friendly oh yeah we're friends yay you know there needs to be the element of killer instinct i have a scorpion tail i'm looking at you like i want to you i'm talking in a seductive manner you know slower voice tone flirting teasing things like that right because guys will go on these dates they'll have
• 09:30 - 10:00 interactions and the girl just thinks that it is a friend because you're acting like a gay you know you're acting like a homo which no nothing against homosexuals but you know if you're meeting girls that you know if you're setting the frame up like you're just oh hi i just wanted to meet you hi yeah let's have a glass of wine together okay and then you go to your house you know let's have another glass and you go to your house and she just thinks that you're this you know uh guy right and then you bring her home and then you
• 10:00 - 10:30 escalate you know you try to kiss her and she's like oh i didn't know what's going on it's the same story as the frog and the scorpion right you said no i'm just a friend you didn't necessarily explicitly say that right however implicitly you're communicating that you're just a gay just a friend you're not showing her that killer instinct that strong frame i'm the leader i'm looking at you in the eyes i'm looking at your body you know not that not to say that you want to be necessarily like gawking at her or like
• 10:30 - 11:00 that that can also be you know you can push it too far where you're just like in the interaction staring at her tits and she's like oh this guy's a creep or like you know you know checking her up and down to like within the interaction too much that's also creepy however there needs to be some degree of you are checking her out a little bit you know i mean at least implicitly uh you are you know looking at her you are feeling sexual you are even explicitly communicating some sort
• 11:00 - 11:30 of flirtation or uh you know teases eye contact leading her around you know bouncing her from place to place and things along those lines right and so you don't want to start the interaction as the scorpion who's just tailless right so i think this is a very very important point and it really goes all the way from the initial interaction which is um when you meet them you know on the street or a bar showing that you have that tail that scorpion
• 11:30 - 12:00 stinging tail and to when you get them on the date you know and to when you're at the house so you don't have these girls who um you know you bring them home and they're just surprised that you're asking oh my god i didn't expect it because you were you know you flipped it you went from the frame of a you know a tale of scorpion to the now i have a tail right so it has to be present throughout the interaction this is very very important and ultimately
• 12:00 - 12:30 you know you're going to qualify you're going to get more girls out who are into it who are down right and then even once you are in the say you end up closing her you're in a relationship or she's a reg or what have you right depending on the relationship set up a girlfriend perhaps if you still want to live life on your terms you cannot just suddenly go from the scorpion tail guy to you know tailless right oh well she told me she wants to go to this festival she told me she wants to do this she told me she wants to do that
• 12:30 - 13:00 you always need to be the one leading it right and so um yeah these are some very very important points right another concept i wanted to introduce is something that i talk about in the ebook the pickup korea.com ebook which i do have to mention is uh on sale this week uh it's 59 but if you get it uh within a week of this podcast or just put it on sale it would be only fifteen dollars so you're getting it seventy five percent off and it's hundreds of pages it covers dating it covers texting
• 13:00 - 13:30 it covers day game night game korean expressions culture um pretty much everything a to z even some of these frames that i'm talking about right and so if you um if you send a request to the email below you'll get a discount link so look out for that anyways a topic or a concept that i mentioned in the e-book is the oppa frame so in korean culture the older guy the older man
• 13:30 - 14:00 whether it's a friend or an actual family member or boyfriend a man who is older is called oppa so the oppa is the leader he has more life experience he's the sombe he's the senior and women in korea are feminine they're traditional in that sense that they're not these you know not these women who are like overly trying to be manly overly trying to be overly feminist and be like a dude they're still in the traditional gender
• 14:00 - 14:30 roles like south america east asia they still have these traditional gender polarities right that being said the oppa is the older guy and she looks to him as a source of uh experience authority leadership right and so coming into the interaction with this oppa frame you're the oppa you're the leader you're the senior the sunbae in korean right not senior citizen but you know you're the older guy um
• 14:30 - 15:00 you have to always maintain that frame right like you know you can show her insights about herself that she didn't know say she's working a job she hates it you can kind of pierce into the veils of you know korean yagan korean overtime uh corporate culture sort of getting her to realize that maybe that's not what she wants to do um or maybe realize that that's what she wants to do until she can reach that next stage right it's a temporary sacrifice right and so being the sort of
• 15:00 - 15:30 source of insight about her her world her goals her country her society her lifestyle being able to you know not necessarily you don't want to be this guy like you're giving advice however you want to be able to pierce into her life her mind her culture right and that being said as well be a leader right and so you might uh you know the oppa anytime you ever see like the oppa dating with a
• 15:30 - 16:00 girl it's not going to say where do you want to go what do you want to do um he's going to be the source of experience the source of you know he understands her work situation he understands the good places to go for a date he leads right he doesn't supplicate he leads um you know he's sort of on his path and brings her along right and so this opa frame is very very important and it is a
• 16:00 - 16:30 source of comfort for the girl because she doesn't have to make any decisions she doesn't have to find a place to go um she doesn't have to lead the conversation so the onus is always on you you're the oppa you have to you're the leader you're the one with the experience you're the captain of the boat you have to lead the conversation the responsibilities on you to make an interesting conversation on you to find the date venue you to lead you to show her insights about herself you to make it interesting
• 16:30 - 17:00 you to lead her to follow right and so having this opa frame is very important you can perhaps if you don't live in korea or if you do live in korea you can kind of go to a cafe watch the dynamic between an older guy in his you know maybe his girlfriend or like a sunbae in hubei so like an older company worker younger company worker male female or like uh slang by hubei of a university so like the senior and the junior right and he's sort of like like he's about to graduate he went
• 17:00 - 17:30 through the whole thing she's maybe second year so he's like leading he's showing he's the source of you know experience and she can put her faith into him right and so uh if you're in korea you can you know witness this out when you're at cafes restaurants and these dynamic social interactions around you and if you're not in korea you can perhaps go on netflix watch some korean dramas right watch them korean movies and see how the man
• 17:30 - 18:00 act see how the man behaves see how the man leads and they're of course bad examples of this right we have some wimpy guys and some weirdos but in general you'll see how the man leads and the woman sort of following him and puts her she's able to put her qualms her worries her thoughts and rest them in the oppa who gives her a sense of certainty gives her a sense of assurance right okay so i just wanted to mention that and um
• 18:00 - 18:30 yeah very important that you constantly strengthen your frame by you can remind yourself of this these sort of frames you can work to be to talk a little bit more authoritatively think of yourself more authoritatively behave in a more authoritative manner and meanwhile of course adding that sense of sexuality in your sub communications your eye contact your tone of voice the feeling you have in your body when you're chatting with her that excitement that sexual
• 18:30 - 19:00 arousal that the girl can intuitively pick up on and feel as opposed to this sort of gay you know scorpion tailless individual right so yeah these are a little food for thought and um i will leave you here and if you have any um any other concepts or any other questions about korea and korean culture korean game that you would like me to
• 19:00 - 19:30 blog on or do a podcast on then leave that in the comments and i will try to cover them in the next episode until next time
• 19:30 - 20:00 you