Reinvent Yourself with Cues & AMA

Summary

Vanessa Van Edwards from Science of People shares insights on charisma, social cues, and personal growth. Her journey began 17 years ago, aiming to understand why some brilliant people are underestimated. Vanessa discovered that charisma can be learned, debunking the myth of it being innate. Her work focuses on the non-verbal and verbal cues that convey warmth and competence. Vanessa provides strategies to communicate effectively, using examples from public figures to illustrate key points.

Highlights

• Vanessa's quest began 17 years ago with a folder named 'Curious Cues', collecting behavioral insights from charismatic and non-charismatic figures. 🔍
• The 'Cues' book covers non-verbal, vocal, verbal, and imagery cues in communication. 📘
• Examples from Bill Clinton, Leonardo da Vinci's 'Last Supper', and pop culture illustrate effective and ineffective cues. 🎨
• Highlight on 'havening', a technique developed with Justin Bieber to manage stress and anxiety. 🎶
• Vanessa's studies show how strategic positioning and behavior replication (like mirroring) lead to team performance boosts. 🚀

Key Takeaways

• Charisma isn't innate; it can be learned through awareness of social cues. 📚
• Smart people often neglect their social skills, which are as vital as technical skills. 💡
• Non-verbal cues play a crucial role in how we are perceived by others. 👀
• Understanding and leveraging social cues can lead to personal and professional success. 🌟
• Mirroring behaviors in social interactions can lead to better reception and success. 🎭

Overview

Vanessa Van Edwards has spent years researching the essence of charisma, moving away from the traditional belief that it is a birth-given trait. Her journey included cataloging cues from well-known personalities to decipher what makes someone charismatic or off-putting. Her revelations indicate that charisma involves both warmth and competence signals.

In her work, Vanessa emphasizes the importance of learning non-verbal cues, which constitute a significant part of our communication. These cues can indeed make or break how ideas are received in various contexts. Being aware and in control of these signals enables individuals to present themselves authentically and compellingly.

The book 'Cues' offers detailed insights into recognizing and adapting key social signals. It is reinforced with examples from various domains, including art, politics, and everyday interactions, providing readers actionable strategies to improve their interpersonal communication and personal brand.

Chapters

• 00:00 - 15:00: Unlocking the Secrets of Charisma Charisma is often associated with strategic, brilliant, and amazing people who, despite their qualities, may struggle due to being underestimated or overlooked for opportunities. The speaker embarked on a journey 17 years ago to understand the reason behind this phenomenon. Initially, they believed that charisma was an innate trait, something one had to be born with.
• 15:00 - 30:00: The Mastery of Nonverbal Cues This chapter focuses on the concept of learning charisma and the critical role of nonverbal cues in mastering personal and professional relationships. It challenges common misconceptions such as 'fake it till you make it,' emphasizing the importance of genuine self-presentation. The narrative suggests that relying on technical skills alone isn't enough; developing real people skills is crucial for effective communication. The chapter posits that adopting authentic nonverbal cues contributes significantly to successful interactions.
• 30:00 - 45:00: Charisma in Practice The chapter 'Charisma in Practice' begins by exploring the concept of effective communication and questions whether there is a systematic way to enhance one's charisma authentically. The chapter highlights research on how cues sent during interactions influence how others perceive and respond to us. The narrative traces back to 17 years ago when the author began compiling a folder named 'Curious Cues' to document and study the behaviors and speech patterns of highly charismatic individuals.
• 45:00 - 60:00: Hidden Cues and Famous Analysis The chapter explores the subtle signals people send through body language, facial expressions, and word choices. By analyzing interviews, notably those with unsettling individuals, the narrator identifies patterns. These patterns reveal that highly charismatic people consistently send similar cues that can be learned, while those who are irritating also emit identifiable signals.
• 60:00 - 75:00: The Art of Vocal and Verbal Communication The chapter revolves around the concept of 'cues' in communication, aiming to create a comprehensive guide detailing 96 cues that humans express to exhibit warmth and competence. It delves into methods of making impactful entrances in meetings and gatherings, emphasizing the simultaneous projection of trust, likability, and seriousness. The guide seeks to equip individuals with the ability to be perceived as powerful, impressive, influential, and capable. It focuses on establishing a balance between fostering collaboration and being seen as credible and authoritative.
• 75:00 - 90:00: Decoding Modern Communication This chapter discusses the blend of likability and impressiveness in modern communication. It explores how charismatic individuals manage to be open, trustworthy, capable, and powerful simultaneously. The goal is to empower individuals with the knowledge of controlling the cues they send in various communication settings, whether in-person, on video, over the phone, or via text.
• 90:00 - 105:00: The Power of Cues in Different Settings The chapter emphasizes the importance of effectively sharing one's ideas and ensuring that others perceive your value and potential. The goal is to provide a simple yet powerful strategy using various 'cues' that the author has found useful for increasing confidence and empowerment in social interactions. The chapter encourages readers to adopt these cues to enhance their presence and be acknowledged for their potential, ensuring that people are eager to engage and collaborate with them.
• 105:00 - 120:00: Preparation, Eloquence, and Authenticity The chapter focuses on hidden nonverbal cues, specifically those demonstrated by Bill Clinton. Through analysis, it is revealed that hand gestures can reveal underlying thoughts, highlighting a specific instance involving a mouth shrug during testimony where Clinton denied relations with Miss Lewinsky.
• 120:00 - 135:00: Interactive Q&A and Features This chapter explores nonverbal cues and gestures that signify doubt, disbelief, or an attempt to withhold information. Specifically, it discusses how smiling with corners of the mouth going down can indicate doubt or disbelief. The chapter also delves into the 'prayer gesture,' where hands are clasped together in front of the mouth, often signaling an attempt to calm oneself or seek help, highlighting the wealth of hidden, nonverbal cues in communication.
• 135:00 - 150:00: AMA: Personal Insights and Closing Thoughts The chapter 'AMA: Personal Insights and Closing Thoughts' dives into the concept of 'cues', focusing on subtle signals we send to others that are often hidden in plain sight. A significant example provided is Leonardo da Vinci's 'The Last Supper', where various hidden cues are explored. The emphasis in this discussion was on analyzing hand gestures, such as the reason behind the positioning of hands (one hand up, one hand down), which is elaborated further in the book referenced within this chapter.

Reinvent Yourself with Cues & AMA Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 incredible strategic brilliant amazing people who struggle because they're underestimated they're overlooked for opportunities they can't seem to get buy-in on their amazing ideas and 17 years ago i set out to figure out why and back then i used to think that charisma was innate that you had to be born charismatic but compelling captivating intriguing people were born with this
• 00:30 - 01:00 mysterious quality and what i realized what the research shows is that charisma can be learned the problem is is that very smart people will focus a lot on their technical skills they focus on their job skills and so when they want to share their ideas they want to learn people skills they've been taught horrible things that don't work like fake it till you make it or just pretend to be an extrovert and the problem with that is when we aren't our true selves it feels horrible it's exhausting and we still can't
• 01:00 - 01:30 communicate well and so what i wanted to find out was is there a blueprint for our interactions is there a way to be more authentically charismatic and luckily there is some incredible research on how the cues that we send to others signal to them how they should treat us so when i set out to start with cues it actually started with a little folder 17 years ago i started a little folder on my computer called curious cues where i started cataloging all the cues of really charismatic people how did they speak
• 01:30 - 02:00 how did they hold their hands what do they do with their body what do they do with their face what kind of words they use i also did the same thing for people who were the bad guys i i got to log a lot of those uh interviews that made our skin crawl where we thought something was off or wrong i started cataloging those cues as well and over the years i began to see patterns that very highly charismatic people are sending the same cues over and over again and we can learn them and the people who turn us off who irritate us they also are
• 02:00 - 02:30 sending cues that we can learn to avoid so my goal with cues was to create a map a blueprint of the 96 cues that humans use with each other to show both warmth and competence how do we show up in a room how do we walk into a meeting and immediately signal trust and likability and friendliness that encourages collaboration and openness while at the same time being taken seriously where people believe our ideas they think we're powerful and impressive and influential and capable and we can
• 02:30 - 03:00 actually have both in fact very highly charismatic people hit this perfect blend of being both likable and impressive of being both open and trustworthy and also capable and powerful and so my goal with cues is for you to take control of the signals you're sending to others so that when you walk into a room or you pop on video or you pick up the phone or you want to send an important text you know exactly which cues to send my goal is for all of you smart brilliant amazing strategic people to be
• 03:00 - 03:30 able to share your ideas to be able to make sure that you're not being underestimated that people are seeing you for your opportunities they're seeing you for your worth and my goal is to give you a really really easy blueprint to do that i hope that you'll check out cues it's every cue that i've used over the last few years to feel more confident to feel more empowered in my interactions and i hope they're cues that you'll begin to use to make sure that you're accepted for your potential that people really want to be with you work with you hear from you and i can't wait to try them yourself
• 03:30 - 04:00 [Music] there are so many hidden secret cues that i found while analyzing bill clinton for my new book cues i want to just demonstrate some of these for you a lot of the time our hand gestures can give away what we're thinking this is testimony from uh bill clinton when he was saying that he did not have relations with miss silinski i want to show you a couple so one is this mouth shrug so
• 04:00 - 04:30 when the mouth goes up into a u we pull the corners down this is literally a nonverbal cue of doubt or disbelief or withholding so even when he was testifying he was showing that he was holding things back i also thought this was really interesting this is like a prayer gesture so when we put our hands together and block our mouth it's called mouth blocking it's also literally a prayer gesture as if we're trying to keep it calm keep it collected and get some help so many hidden cues i talk about in
• 04:30 - 05:00 queues be sure to check it out and order wherever books are sold one of my goals when i was researching for queues was to find cues the subtle signals we sent to others lurking in plain sight and one of them i found was with the last supper by leonardo da vinci that there are so many hidden cues in this one painting and actually break them down in the book but i'll give you a little sneak peek here so first i would pay attention to hand gestures why is one hand up and why hand
• 05:00 - 05:30 one hand down i'd also pay attention to why do some people take up a lot of space and some people take up very little space i also even break in the last supper in terms of proximity zones the zones we spend with people there's very purposefully no one in the intimate zone some people in the personal zone a few more in the social zone and that tells us about their relationships in the painting so there are so many interesting cues i break down the book be sure to check it out wherever books are sold
• 05:30 - 06:00 bieber and his team have developed fascinating strategies to help deal with his anxiety especially when he's on stages doing music videos in extremely high pressure situations the great thing about this is we can use this cue ourselves cue number one havening bieber and his coach developed a specific cue that uses his physiologically to calm down on high pressure situations let's watch and see
• 06:00 - 06:30 what they do you know justin i developed a routine that when he feels stressed that he can use a technique called havening that i was trained in and havening is a psychosensory technique that actually raises the feel good chemicals in your brain on demand it's basically like a self-soothing thing everybody kind of has their own version of havening without even knowing it it's like when you're a little kid and you suck your thumb the chin tuck princess diana had a signature nonverbal cue she did it in her interviews when
• 06:30 - 07:00 she was walking down the street when she was looking at photographers she was known for tucking her chin down and looking up through her eyelashes in photo after photo in interview after interview you see her doing this chin tuck and i think it was an essential part of her nonverbal brand why the chin tuck is a protective gesture it's a protective cue that's because when we took our chin in we protect one of the most vulnerable parts of our body our jugular so we're feeling nervous or
• 07:00 - 07:30 shy or ashamed or scared we'll often tuck our chin in to protect this part of our neck to protect our jugular it's totally subconscious totally instinctive when she did this i think it made us want to protect her it also made her seem very mysterious when she added the little look through the eyelashes relaxes the larynx the whole area of the throat and the jaw because one of the things that makes the voice high is tension in the throat that's right yeah
• 07:30 - 08:00 see already it's already coming out look at that yeah oh imagine how you're getting out of the way it's hunting my cell phone okay so i love this tip i actually spend two whole chapters in my book cues talking about vocal likability and vocal power and this builds on exactly what morgan freeman said which is the more tension we have in our body our vocal cords and our mouth the worse we sound
• 08:00 - 08:30 the less likable we are we don't like hearing people who are tense because again we could catch that tension so i love this tip and let's try it together so give me a little yawn and now imagine if i were to talk like this now this is a little bit much my vocal relaxation but it's relaxing and every chapter the way that i like to think about writing is i always have a really powerful piece of science and then um a case study with
• 08:30 - 09:00 a real person and then an action step so for example right in the introduction i talk about how some of these cues happen on shark tank and i break down a little cue that mark cuban shows in a pitch on shark tank we did some analysis we wanted to know what's difference between successful pitches and unsuccessful pitches so we discovered that oftentimes sharks will give away their hesitations with their nonverbal cues so right in the intro of the book i talk about mark cuban's secret cue which is called
• 09:00 - 09:30 a mouth shrug so a mouth shrug is really interesting because it's an upside down u of your mouth so your mouth actually goes into an upside down you often times we also pull our eyebrows up and sometimes even close our eyes this is a very very typical cue that you'll see when someone doesn't believe something it's a cue of disbelief so a mouth shrug [Music] is literally upverting your mouth so you cannot speak out of it so when someone goes
• 09:30 - 10:00 they're disbelieving in doubt trying to not say something so you can know that you can trigger your own serotonin your own oxytocin with self-touch what the docu-series didn't mention of course because this is not a without a self-help video is that there's two different kinds of ways you can use having the first is when you're by yourself so when you're by yourself and you're in a high-pressure situation like you're trying to create something or you have a creative block or you're getting ready for something big you can use any
• 10:00 - 10:30 kind of self-touch just like a bieber did he when he rubbed the back of his head i'm not gonna do it because it'll mess up my hair okay so you can rub your hair you can rub the back of your neck you can uh give yourself a self hug sometimes actually giving yourself a self hug can make you feel held oh that's nice that's nice that was so nice what was i talking about so that just that was so crazy so i just did haven't
• 10:30 - 11:00 eaten i just did an evening for you and i gave myself a self-hug and then i was like i feel great i don't need to keep doing this video what listening sounds are non-word exclamations of joy interest and intrigue some typical ones are ah [Music] these are the noises you make when you listen you make these sounds to show someone you're engaged these instantly improve your vocal warmth
• 11:00 - 11:30 if you've ever been told you're cold or intimidating or make people nervous here's an easy remedy start using non-word vocal invitations with others if they say something interesting say ooh if they pause and thought say if they look to you for acknowledgement not and say uh-huh research finds that improving your ability to read nonverbal cues really
• 11:30 - 12:00 pays off non-verbal prowess is a skill that is helpful in almost every area of life socially romantically and professionally one study found that people with strong non-verbal cue recognition earn more money in their jobs why being able to quickly and accurately read emotions gives you an incredible advantage in the workplace understanding non-verbal cues can help all of your relationships researchers found that students who made
• 12:00 - 12:30 more errors decoding the emotions in facial expressions and tones of voice reported significantly less relationship well-being he also tends to pull those eyebrows down which also creates a very serious effect that's because when you pull your eyebrows down together it's a partial anger micro microexpression i sound like do you hear i'm like i kind of sound like obama i think because i just did the impression i'm
• 12:30 - 13:00 sort of speaking like him but i don't usually speak this way especially on my youtube channel that's really crazy so when i when i pull my eyebrows down and it makes me more serious they actually have found that when we make there are seven distinct muscle groups that are used to form the angular microexpression and when we do so it makes us look more powerful so the anger microexpression we pull our eyebrows down we tighten our lips so they're much more tense and um we uh
• 13:00 - 13:30 tend to harden our lower lids so you'll also notice that when obama is speaking he'll pause and he'll sometimes look off to the side and then back and press his lips together and harden his lower lids i'm gonna try to do it for you okay the fun section is all about our imagery why we wear certain colors you know there is a reason why uh hues is red and captivate was blue i talked about that but i wear more red now because those have different uh psychological meanings for different people as well as the
• 13:30 - 14:00 imagery that we have in our profile pictures and our marketing materials and how we come across to others and the subtle signals that we send in how we come across and our brand assets so
• 14:00 - 14:30 [Music]
• 14:30 - 15:00 me [Music]
• 15:00 - 15:30 [Music]
• 15:30 - 16:00 hello hello friends oh my goodness happy morning afternoon good evening wherever you are in the world i am so excited for today if you're joining us live feel free to go into chat say hello tell me where you are in the world tell me your favorite q if you've already started reading for those of you don't know me i'm vanessa van edwards so good to meet you you know i love a good a good wave we already have some people in chat i
• 16:00 - 16:30 love it we have people from san diego from kenya ciao from italy i love it oh my goodness from atlanta from from argentina from israel from mexico romania oh my goodness hello hello i'm so excited to hear i feel like today is 17 years in the making i started researching what we're gonna be talking about today seven years making and this is a free class so we're teaching today my friends i have a lot of science coming your way so
• 16:30 - 17:00 we're gonna be talking about five questions that can change your life these are questions about reinventing yourself about leveraging your cues we're gonna be talking about some mind-blowing science i'm gonna be sneak peeking a bunch of interesting non-verbal verbal and vocal cues we're gonna learn together i also get to know you and this is my first ever video ask me anything my goodness i already have had so many questions submitting so if you have more questions for me i will do my very best to get to all of them put them in chat
• 17:00 - 17:30 so i can see them i literally have the check here ah illinois australia norway portland oregon can't wait to get the book yes mike i love it cherry cake from the netherlands cherry cake mmm i really like your your screen name i love it from honolulu aloha michigan india cameroon latvia i love it oh my goodness someone said what this is crazy that you're already on chapter two of cues
• 17:30 - 18:00 this is incredible marcus chapter two you are a speed reader i am i am inspired and impressed by the way after this live training i'm gonna actually go to a real bookstore the ones that few exist i'm gonna pick it up for the first time so i'm excited too i've already read it though i've already read it many many many many many times hello from iran haiti brazil from texas my sunshine state oregon connecticut turkey i love it okay so here's what's
• 18:00 - 18:30 great is today we're going to be talking about universal cues so not cultural cues but cues that are heard around the world not only people and people's impressions of you but also i believe this is what we're going to be really tackling today your cues tell the world how it should treat you so the cues you send to other people tell them how they should be thinking about you and treating you and the more that we can get in control of our cues the more that we can empower them and feel confident the what we feel that we're telling the world exactly how we want to be treated so that's what i'm
• 18:30 - 19:00 most excited about today i'm not going to get too into it just yet we're just warming up hello i'm so happy to see everyone from brazil from virginia from costa rica okay so agenda today are you ready so first we're gonna play some games because i like some games we're actually playing games a couple games today we're gonna be doing some linkedin makeovers i'm also gonna be showing you some profile pictures from you so over the last week i've been asking you to submit your questions and submit your profile pictures so that we can do some voting and i actually want your help so we're going to be voting on people's profile
• 19:00 - 19:30 pictures so we can tell them if we prefer image a's a or b we're getting some linkedin makeovers i'm going to be sharing some mind-blowing science we're going to be diving deep so um i think i'm i'm ready are you guys ready i'm ready like let's do let's do some science okay so we're gonna do some some uh first i have to say some major gratitude friends i am so grateful for you everyone who is pre-ordering the book who has picked up their copy and taken a photo and sent me these well wishes you
• 19:30 - 20:00 are making my life i am so so honored thank you thank you thank you this book i've been working on for 17 years i'll tell you the story a little bit later some funny behind the scenes of how this started so for those of you who picked it up who've shared with me who've shared with your friends and followers i am so so grateful so the next kind of fun challenge i thought i'd give so i like challenges as i read right when i get a new book like my favorite thing is to have little missions that i can do along with it so here's my challenges i want you to show me your cues okay here's what i mean and
• 20:00 - 20:30 you can even use the hashtag showmereuques i love a good hashtag so first i want to see your steeple right your steeple by the way this is super empowering like when you do this together this morning i was on cbs mornings it was amazing you can go watch the replay it's already up and we all tried the steeple together there's something very grounding about it right ah very ground so if you want to do that with me you can i love it so um show me your steeple i want to see your staple and i want to see your q's face right like it's so funny my i showed one of my
• 20:30 - 21:00 friends when i first the cover it became revealed she goes oh you're so serious and i do smile up but this is my it's my cues face so show me your favorite your steeple your cues face also your favorite cue so there are 96 different cues in the book show me your favorite one i'm kind of curious is it possibly the blue steel or the lower lid flex so you're going to get to this i believe in chapter number five so a lower lid flux we're going to talk about it so we harden our lower lids it's sort of a smize or a blue steel so if you watch zoolander it looks
• 21:00 - 21:30 like this can you see that take a picture of your favorite blue steel or surprise me send me something good i like all those different cues all right let's dive into some science all right let's get started okay someone said ready perfect all right here's the first question and this is a multiple choice question put your guess in the chat please this science shocked me so this is a huge research experiment which we're going to go through and it is going to ground us for today what's the single best way to improve
• 21:30 - 22:00 your performance at work what did this study found i believe they analyzed 58 000 working hours over 11 different companies so small medium large companies across different industries what did they find in pre inc is the best way to improve your performance at work it's going to surprise you because it surprised me okay is it a do 10 minutes of a gra of gratitude when you sit down at your desk is it b write your goal list the night before work by the way i want to see your guesses oh okay preetha guest a we have some a's already okay c
• 22:00 - 22:30 sit near a window with trees sit near a high performer okay let's see across the board we have a lot of a's some d's so okay we have a nice mix by the way i work so hard on the wrong answers for these multiple choice questions because i want to make it kind of hard you know i want them all to sound like it could be that it could maybe that so you're you're all making me very happy right now by having guesses across the board it means there wasn't one obvious wrong answer okay jason said these would all help but i'm
• 22:30 - 23:00 going with d jason ding ding ding i'm going to send you a high five hug from here because you got the right answer this study found that sitting near a high performer is the best way to improve your own performance at work does this not boggle your mind and by the way even on video when you're sitting near a high performer in video you're still sitting near someone
• 23:00 - 23:30 oh
• 23:30 - 24:00 we're going to come on this one
• 24:00 - 24:30 can you see me can you hear me actually i'm going to keep going on my computer can you see me can you hear me oh they said they still can't hear me or see me can you make sure it may be working on my computer is it good okay look at this we were in this fancy studio and i'm just using my own computer i hope you can hear me thank
• 24:30 - 25:00 you for that patience okay all right so let me go back into my slides thanks for that now we get a close view are you ready just gonna fix my my face before we did that okay someone said i can hear your lipstick i know i didn't know he'd be this close either okay we're gonna get really intimate today all right let me go back into those slides so by the way when do do we know when it dropped out i'll make sure i do the last slide again to make sure that everyone got it let's make sure yes okay
• 25:00 - 25:30 so by the way thanks everyone for being patient with us fancy studio and it didn't even go through it's okay we can still see in here okay thanks everyone everyone's like much better gorgeous thank you okay so this is shocking because people who sit within 25 feet of a high performer improve their own performance by 15 this is what we are talking about today that our cues are contagious that when we around high performers highly charismatic successful people we catch their cues when we are our most
• 25:30 - 26:00 charismatic most competent most confident self we infect others with that charisma and that competence here's the crazy thing here's the crazy thing this works the other way too sitting within 25 feet of a poor performer in the office decreased performance by 30 percent right like this is crazy by the way hey hey scott can they see
• 26:00 - 26:30 the red slide it's good okay perfect you guys can see that red side right i just want to make sure i have these great quotes and graphics for you so not only do we catch the good cues but we also catch the bad cues that this is not just about setting off positive cues and in informing people with our good cues it's also about making sure that we are catching the negative cues we are constantly catching cues here is the big question for today
• 26:30 - 27:00 are they helping or hurting us are the cues that we're sending helping us or hurting others or helping others are the cues that we are getting are they helping us or are they hurting us this is why by the way this is why after we hang out with too many people this is me after too much peopling like there's nothing more true about this story that uh about this meme so what happens is after we uh are with a lot of people and we catch a bad mood it can often happen
• 27:00 - 27:30 because we caught a bad cue so this is why we'll sometimes feel totally burnt out after a meeting this is why we'll feel totally burnt out after a phone call so after i get out of meetings or having too much people i'm like why am i so drained right or there's certain people where i notice i dread spending time with them or after i'm with them i feel like oh i'm not my best self this also happens so the reason that we'll sometimes feel like we're not being
• 27:30 - 28:00 respected or we just don't click with people or we don't feel like we belong or we are feeling underestimated where you're in a meeting or you're with people and you don't feel like something is working or people are interrupting you or you can't be your best self it might be because you are unwittingly catching negative cues that you don't realize that you're getting cues that are being sent to you that are that are affecting your own performance oops i'm doubling up hold on
• 28:00 - 28:30 okay all right
• 28:30 - 29:00 i'm doubled i can't so should i take these off hey scott i can't talk because i i hear you take off my headphones my goodness gracious thanks everyone for your patience all right so let's go back into my slides okay so what happens is when we catch
• 29:00 - 29:30 all these cues we unwittingly it's affecting our charisma it's affecting all these negative things and so our cues are the answer let me explain how q's work so i've been mentioning q's a lot already is that cues are the powerful social signals humans send to each other and there are four different channels for queues so we have and we're going to be talking about all four of these today there are four different channels for for the way that we send or transmit cues to each other the first is nonverbal so nonverbal cues are incredibly important research finds
• 29:30 - 30:00 about 60 to 95 of our cues are non-verbal this is really important because most of the time we prep our verbal we put all of our eggs in the verbal basket we present a script or what we want to say but actually our non-verbal or our body language matters even more than our words so nonverbal is the first big communication channel this is also how i organize the book so i when i was thinking about how do i want to organize these cues i split them up into these four parts nonverbal is the first part of the book the second part of the book is vocal so
• 30:00 - 30:30 how we deliver our words our our pace our tone our cadence the volume of our words all those vocal cues matter in our delivery and heather picked up last one is of course actual words and then the last one is imagery imagery is the colors we wear uh the ornaments we wear what's behind us in our background and our images so let's play a little game and by the way claudia said queues are signs yes cues are like social signals they can also be seen as signs it's a good way of thinking about it okay let's play a game you ready to play
• 30:30 - 31:00 a game all right i want you to imagine yourself in a typical meeting you go to so whatever typical meeting i want you to imagine yourself into it that could be a video call or a virtual meeting or walking in person to a meeting so imagine yourself going into a typical meeting and now imagine you start to give an important update so this could be an important update on a project you're working on it could be your introduction i want you to imagine yourself giving it and then i want you to imagine that you look around the room or you notice in a
• 31:00 - 31:30 little video thumbnail thumbnail that a colleague rolls their eyes and frowns okay imagine this for a second right like oh strikes terror in the heart right the moment you see a cue of social rejection it's like no what research found is that when we see a cue of social rejection it actually increases our field of vision now imagine this for a second you're on a video call and you see a colleague eye roll give a little eye roll or you hear a
• 31:30 - 32:00 or even a dismissive tone of voice like great idea right where you know that's just not that you know that vocal power is off that queue of social rejection increases your field of vision it actually changes your physiology and that's because our cues are essential to our survival our brain is constantly looking for cues on how we should be treated how we should think what we should do how we should behave and so even without realizing it we are constantly looking
• 32:00 - 32:30 for these cues that is why that original study about high performers and low performers we are constantly looking to people around us to think how are they acting and that informs how we should act so if you spot a negative q it changes your physiology it widens your field of vision because your body wants to see is there another cube of projection what's my escape route what should i do next cues inform our own body on how to best serve us here's what's incredible the reason why we can feel inexplicable
• 32:30 - 33:00 dread the reason why you can leave a video call or a meeting or a social gathering and feel such burnout and not know why is because you were likely getting negative cues that you didn't know what to do with the good news is the moment you label a cue you take control of it the moment you label a cue it disengages its power in your brain and i want to show you example of how this works so in um this is dr matthew lieberman researcher from ucla what he did is he
• 33:00 - 33:30 showed people pictures of the fear micro expression so you can see that this uh when we do fear by the way you you can see me demo it now so we raise our eyelids up we raise our eyebrows up we kind of look like that right that's fear so when we when matthew lieberman put people in a brain scanner and showed them a picture of fear he noticed that people caught the fear that when they saw a picture of fear their own amygdala began to process fear began to
• 33:30 - 34:00 activate as if they felt afraid but the moment that dr liberman told them label it fear and the people in the mri said fear it disengaged their amygdala in other words the moment you label a negative cue it stops affecting you that is why labeling naming and taming which is why we've been talking about naming and taming in the past is that when we label something we immediately take control of it lowers its effect on us here's what's incredible is negative cues inhibit our functioning
• 34:00 - 34:30 when we have a negative social cue that actually makes us feel less creative it inhibits our brain activation oh one second um would you mind unplugging those so i can hear myself and then would you mind making me have screening with with the slides that'd be great thank you so much then i can demo yay i can demo for you so what most people don't realize is we think oh if we're in a professional setting these cues can't really affect
• 34:30 - 35:00 us but actually what they found is the moment we spot a negative q it actually shuts down our creativity it shuts down our collaboration it's why we are desperately trying to get work done but one bad email or one bad conversation can inhibit things and what's incredible is we process social pain so social socially difficult cues in the same part of the brain that we process physical pain so it is so distracting it's like having a throbbing headache that's why some of these negative cues can be um so insidious
• 35:00 - 35:30 so this is me back in fourth grade oh man so many of you know i'm a recovering awkward person and i have really struggled with always feeling like i just never belonged i have i had a strong sense of feeling like i just never fit in anywhere and when i looked back and when i looked back at why i felt that way because i felt that way for so long if this is anyone listening i totally understand where you're coming from because that
• 35:30 - 36:00 feeling of not being okay not feeling you belong is so not only terrifying that social pain is processed with physical pain it shuts you down right it makes it really hard to be your best self when i look back i i know why this is happening now and i hope this will provide some clarity for those of you who are listening what was happening i think is first there's two things i did not know how to process social information so i was getting social information from lots of different sources from friends from parents from teachers but i
• 36:00 - 36:30 wasn't able to process it correctly and so it was overwhelming me if anyone has this social overwhelm that was a feeling that i had almost constantly the second thing was happening this carried on many many many years is i was misinterpreting cues specifically i was misinterpreting neutral cues as negative so there's two sides of the q issue that i think we're facing one is not knowing how to handle negative cues that are being sent to us right having that fear come towards us and having it inhibit
• 36:30 - 37:00 our brain and not knowing why that's the first part but the second one is even more insidious the second one is people are sending me neutral cues or even positive cues and we are misinterpreting them as negative if you are hard on yourself if you get down on yourself you might also struggle with this my my husband and i would joke i would be in the car after a dinner and i would say is she mad at me does she not like me they hate me they hate me i did a terrible job he'd be
• 37:00 - 37:30 like what are you talking about and that's because i had this negative bias with my social cues that i was misinterpreting things as negative and so i don't know which side of the of the side of the pie you're on but i want to help with both this is a perfect meme to describe how i used to feel i don't know if this is anyone else is anyone you look nice today they're making fun of me right so i would misinterpret these positive cues as negative
• 37:30 - 38:00 this is actually a real phenomenon when i read this study it provided me with so much relief people with social anxiety are more likely to misinterpret neutral facial expressions as negative so this is not your fault if you experience this you are not alone this is actually a part of how our brain works and we have to literally work to rewire it this is why i joke that i'm a recovering awkward person is that i was just misinterpreting things now i'm curious
• 38:00 - 38:30 and this is my next challenge for the chat so get your fingers ready okay oh by the way charlie charlene said yes to the social overwhelm understand that very very well i get you i so get you okay so um here's what i want you to think about i want you to ask yourself how does your awkwardness dress up and what i mean by this is if you have a moment where you're doubting yourself or you don't feel like you belong or um you misinterpret something what happens in your body what happens to your mindset i
• 38:30 - 39:00 think that awkwardness dresses up as other things so sometimes awkwardness can dress up as mean sarcasm sometimes awkwardness can dress up as judgment or fear or hiding i think that there's sort of two ways that people can go in their awkwardness and tell me which one this is is um oh by the way people are upset with my mouse is that better did i move it off thank you for that i'm sorry my mouse was in the way oh my goodness molly said laughing at nothing that is so yes um i call that
• 39:00 - 39:30 chronic giggling right you just like giggle because you don't know what else to do so i find that there are two sort of ways that people um react to their awkwardness the first one is they shut down they go into hiding they close up they become quiet it's very hard for them to think of any answers let alone charismatic answers there's a shutdown effect that awkwardness causes this sort of closing this is you that would be closure other people on the other hand will dial up their awkwardness makes them over talk it makes them talk too loudly it
• 39:30 - 40:00 makes them show off or name drop so i'm curious oh my gosh these are so funny donald said telling bad jokes about myself ah yes someone said i get quiet right so you shut down quietness hiding i get quieter lean into humor by the way deirdre that's a good one leaning into humor is actually a good way for your awkwardness to dress up so another idea here is um it could also go into people pleasing does anyone have that where your awkwardness just makes you say yes to everyone some people get into passive aggressiveness i
• 40:00 - 40:30 know that one's hard oh whitney said people pleasing to yes oh uh-huh yeah joey said i'm a giggler we have another giggler i try really hard i i can get into girl 2 when i get awkward so passive aggressive being dramatic being critical and that could be being critical of others or yourself again self-attacking the reason i want you to think about this is again if we're able to label our instinct if we're able to label where our awkwardness goes we're able to know a lot about our instincts that can help
• 40:30 - 41:00 us disrupt that q cycle so this is actually the very first step in our journey today of reinventing ourself is how does your awkwardness dress up and by awkward by the way i mean any moment where you don't feel like yourself i mean any moment where you doubt yourself i mean any moment where you feel like you aren't showing up as your best self that's what i mean by awkward so it's really important to understand where your awkwardness goes oh we say some folks on instagram are saying they can't see our presentation
• 41:00 - 41:30 so anyway by the way all my instagram folks um if you want to go to um sciencepeople.com we have the live link as the first article in the blog so if you can't see the the the presentation in instagram um you might want to check on that and hopefully or you can go to youtube and it will show you the full presentation and also all the amazing comments all right this brings me to my very first question so this is the first question for reinventing ourselves i want you to be honest with me and if you're willing i would love for you to put this in the chat
• 41:30 - 42:00 if someone were to meet you and then tell me about you how would they describe you so on a neutral date so not on your best day or your worst day how would someone describe you what words would they use to describe you put this in the chat so what would pop into their head be honest what you think people would say oh someone said rebellious oh my goodness ah ellie said warm and approachable
• 42:00 - 42:30 uh someone said cold irene said polite and reserved by the way thanks all you all everyone who are saying so excited to read the book this is just ready for the book all right we got energetic outgoing simon said narcissists okay simon that's an amazing thing to know about yourself we're going to try to change it money said sad i'm sorry andy said funny and once said introvert quiet oh danielle said talk too much these are super interesting by the way if you read these in the chat overthinking boring manzana said
• 42:30 - 43:00 pizzaish pizzaish i like that i've never heard that adjective for for interpersonal skills i like it kiana said ditzy question mark that was almost the question flexion quiet surreal mysterious sympathetic awkward standoffish the reason why this question is so critically important is because we very rarely take a moment to try to self-identify to try to take a step back from how are we coming across to others the way that you come across to others
• 43:00 - 43:30 tells them how they should treat you if you are having trouble with people not taking you seriously people interrupting you people not wanting to spend time with you people not including you this is the question that's going to begin to change things it's trying to figure out okay what cues are you sending now so we can reinvent them that is the reason why we're doing this these are these are all so interesting nice funny peaceful calm quiet all right i miss one now if you are overthinking this if you are
• 43:30 - 44:00 overthinking this i have a little challenge so if you're like i don't know i can't answer in the chat it's too hard i have a bonus challenge for you which is i want you to text your best friend or someone you trust or a parent oh no a mom is going to be biased moms are biased they they're they're always like you're amazing right so moms might be a little bit text an honest best friend and ask them if you were introducing me to another person what adjective would you use to describe me or if you want to give them a little
• 44:00 - 44:30 more choices what three adjectives would you use to describe me that's a good one so if you want to text your best friend what three adjectives would you use to describe me so if you're having trouble with this one you want to get sort of a a different perspective that can be a helpful one to try b to be able to be more purposeful to be able to reinvent ourselves purposefully we need to have accurate queue decoders and encode coders so what i mean by this when we talk about this in the book is
• 44:30 - 45:00 there's two aspects for cues there's decoding and there's encoding so decoding is a skill we think about a lot that's reading other people's cues and that is the first thing we need to thrive and survive we need to know exactly what keys are being sent to us the second thing we need to know is we need to know exactly what cues we are sending to others that's called encoding if we know the exact social signals that we're sending off so all of my folks who said um who used question marks or were uncertain if you are uncertain i want to make sure that you know exactly what
• 45:00 - 45:30 cues you are sending to other people the reason for this is because in every interaction whether that's a text thread or an email or a video call or in person we are always wondering what does someone think of me and the more clear we can be with our cues the more clear our communications become so the three questions and this is going to a much deeper level so if we can just get deep for just a minute i promise we're going to go back to the science in a second but let's just get deep for a second which is when we are interacting we are always
• 45:30 - 46:00 asking these three questions to ourselves and we are desperately looking for cues to answer what do you think of me and am i okay are we okay and am i loved right that is the the deeper level we're talking about here is when we're in interaction we're wondering do you like me do you accept me do i belong and so i want not only for you to know what those cues look like but also for you to begin to purposely send those cues to others because that is giving
• 46:00 - 46:30 them a social gift when you can send clear cues to others they know oh you like me i'm okay we're okay i'm cared for or i'm loved and that is the deepest way to interact these are the three questions that started my journey 17 years ago so i promised i would share a little bit of kind of behind the scenes of how i wrote the book and where this research came from so 17 years ago i remember it very very distinctly in 2005 lance armstrong i think i have a picture lance armstrong went on larry king live
• 46:30 - 47:00 and insisted he had never doped he was not doping of course we know later that lance armstrong did come out as dope as as he was doping so it was a massive undercover scheme and i remember seeing that interview and right after he told this massive whopper like this massive lie he lip-pursed he pressed his lips together and twifting that's a really powerful cue withholding we're trying to hold back or um restrict ourselves we
• 47:00 - 47:30 mash our lips into a hard line we press them into a hard line to almost hold back we're like telling ourselves hold it in don't saying it don't say anything so around this time i started a little folder on my desktop called curious cues and in this folder i was collecting all these cues that i was noticing and i what was interesting is there was in the beginning there were sort of two buckets and i almost organized the book this way so when i was thinking about how to organize the book i almost did positive and negative cues part one and part two um
• 47:30 - 48:00 but what ended up happening was a lot of the cues are actually uh some of them can be both depending on the situation so i ended up doing it in modes but the very first bucket i sort of found was all these negative cues that whether it was athletes or politicians or celebrities when people were lying or fibbing or in shame or guilt they tended to show the same cues over and over again i was even seeing them in paintings i was even seeing them in pop culture memes i was even seeing them in political examples so there was these negative cues that i was seeing that was the first bucket and the second bucket was that i noticed
• 48:00 - 48:30 highly charismatic people compelling magnetic folks that we are drawn to they were showcasing distinct cues to signal to the world that they were charismatic and i started to notice again across politicians athletes celebrities it didn't even matter their industry or where they were from or their age or their gender or their race they were still showing these same cues and i wondered what if we were to catalog these cues
• 48:30 - 49:00 what if i was to try to create a code or i was to codify all these cues into a usable framework that was the start and by the way it was purely from my own research in the very beginning i thought i wonder if i could just code what all these charismatic people are doing and then learn it because i used to believe i used to believe that charisma was innate that you either were born with it or you weren't luckily charisma and specifically charisma cues can be cultivated so today i want to talk about um how we do this especially with our brain so
• 49:00 - 49:30 your brain is already a cue reading machine in fact the amygdala and by the way the amygdala does a lot of things so i'm simplifying it for our purposes the amygdala can identify an emotion within 30 milliseconds again our brain is constantly searching our environment for cues but either negative positive set in form how we want to act how we want to behave i feel that learning the language of cues there's already this hidden language being spoken if we learn how to speak it we are leveraging a superpower
• 49:30 - 50:00 that we are already have in our brain and i believe that when we miss cues that is missed opportunities and this goes both ways so positive cues if we miss a positive cues that could have been a signal to capture that could have been a moment of agreement or a moment of mutual liking that we should have capitalized on on the negative side a negative cue that we miss could be a red flag that's ah that could have been more information that could have been an opportunity to dig deeper and of course
• 50:00 - 50:30 of course missed cues can also be awkward so not only are cues get missed opportunities i also think this is oftentimes very simply can write like do you high five do you handshake do you fist bump super awkward another one see if this uh is uh one familiar to you when you wave at someone and they don't wave back right there's nothing worse than being like oh hi right so missed cues also create all kinds of awkwardness um i also just
• 50:30 - 51:00 needed to have an elf meme in the presentation at some point just because i love it right so do you hug what do you do if you forget to greet well right so all those are different missed q opportunities oh oh i want to show one uh actually i think it's showing up pretty well no okay i'm gonna we're gonna actually show a little video here i wanna show you another miss q opportunity so this is a pretty famous one from tom brady right so this is a missed cue
• 51:00 - 51:30 tom brady was looking for a high five and then no one would high five him so awkward by the way there's no audio on this video it's just a we're just demoing it so that this one was so funny because it was um the perfect miscue that made him super awkward i think that if we begin to cultivate cues that showcase who we are that showcase who we really are this helps us feel like our authentic best self and it also helps us recognize
• 51:30 - 52:00 truth in others it also sees others for who they truly are i want to show a video and this is a video that i want to um yes it's so awkward he tried so hard i know i love that tom brady video um so i want to explain one experiment that is was the moment that i realized that we have this super cute reading machine that we're not taking advantage of and it's called the door experiments the door experiment is quite a famous experiment in the research world i'm going to show you a video of the experiment in a second but first i wanted to just walk through it so what
• 52:00 - 52:30 they did is they had two research assistants carry a door right together they were carrying a door and they had people walk up to someone and ask for directions and then as the person was asking for directions they had the people carrying the door walk between them and then switch places and then that person who originally asked for directions continued to ask for directions what they found is that most people didn't even notice those people swapped in other words they didn't even notice they were talking to a new person
• 52:30 - 53:00 what this shows us is that if we are not aware of our cues we often can miss in fact miss entire changes of people who are in front of us so my hope is that by learning some of these cues by getting more specific about our cues we begin to see who is actually in front of us so we redid the door experiment on the streets of portland oregon this is a couple of years back and i want you to pay attention in this video you're going to see what we did is um i ask someone for directions it's totally silenced don't worry if there's audio i ask someone for directions and then i switch partners
• 53:00 - 53:30 with my research experimenter and then they continue talking to the new person and i believe every single person except one did not realize that i had switched places my research experimenter could take a look at it here we go here we go
• 53:30 - 54:00 people just continue talking like like it was the same person who asked for directions here we go again by the way that experiment was so hard to do it was it was so hard i think we have one more yeah so here i am asking for directions and then wait a second wait a second
• 54:00 - 54:30 and then she carried on talking right all right we can go back to slides so i can show they can't see the video oh well you have to you know what we'll do is i'll post uh the video after the fact um so you can watch it all on youtube the other amazing thing about reading queue so not only does it help us see people who for who they actually are and also make us feel like our authentic self is that research has found that people who are better at cue recognition earn more income there's a sort of ripple effect that when you are actually
• 54:30 - 55:00 taking the cues in your environment you're able to identify miscommunications you're able to identify issues much faster and this makes you a more critical team player i think that is incredible so this is a research by dr daniel goleman an incredible researcher in emotional intelligent intelligence and specifically he found the added profits for partners with strengths and social skills were a hundred and ten percent greater so investing in this is not just feel good it's not just good for our charisma
• 55:00 - 55:30 it's not just good for other people to like us more it actually serves us better when it comes to our paydays it actually makes us more critical and more valued team players okay here's the key let's talk about how we use cues to reinvent ourselves so i think that the more we can take control of the cues we send to others the more that we can spot the cues being sent to us that is how we can begin to reinvent ourselves that is how we can begin to showcase our best self so here's question number two are you ready get ready for chat so here's question
• 55:30 - 56:00 number two i would love to hear your answers again so the very first question was how do people currently describe you the second question how would you like someone to describe you so if you think about your ideal self what is the ideal way you want someone to think about you what is the ideal way you want something about you okay so i want to hear i want to see what you want to what your ideal is here so what words do you want to embody
• 56:00 - 56:30 when you show up on video when you show up on a date when you show up in a meeting when you show up in a conference what do you want people to think dream big i want to hear some good ones all right influential confident unforgettable warm and friendly authentic oh my goodness these are so good look at these words in this chat supremely confident charming cheerful one-of-a-kind optimistic oh i like it donald trump you want to know this guy
• 56:30 - 57:00 kind-hearted i want you to get really specific with these words right i want you to think when i meet someone in every setting i want them to have this word pop into their head the way that we take control of our cues is we are purposeful right purpose creates reality the biggest mistake that people make is we leave our charisma up to chance we say i hope i'll come across as confident i don't know what i should do with my hands or what i should say but i hope i come across as confident i want to be so granular that we can say
• 57:00 - 57:30 in the next meeting you have i want you to be kind genius and seen as radiant i want to be super specific because those cues we can use cues to align with it with each of those words each of those adjectives here's a metaphor for you i love a metaphor love a good metaphor so here's how i like to think about cues when i was trying to explain how this works your ideas are like a car so imagine that when you walk into a meeting or you're pitching yourself your idea like
• 57:30 - 58:00 your car your cues are the gas or the electricity if you have an electric car your cues are what get your ideas to move your cues are what get your ideas to the right people and to the right places so you can have the best ideas in the world but if you have no juice if you have no gas if you have no electricity your cues don't move and this is the problem that's facing so many smart people is they have great ideas they have so much to offer but
• 58:00 - 58:30 they don't have enough juice they don't have enough juice to get their ideas to the right places i also think that cues can soup up your car cues can pimp out your ride so even with the right cues it also makes your your ideas look even better i also just like love this picture of how they how they make our carbon better let's do some more fun examples right so i want to show you a couple different ways that cues are kind of in every area of our environment cues are everywhere from profile photos to fonts to emails to
• 58:30 - 59:00 video calls to video chats even on what's your even what's on your desk or what's in your zoom background so let's play a little game so i posted some of these on social media so if you saw these already on social media you are going to have an advantage in this game but here is the game i'm going to show you 11 different cues and i would like you to guess what q i am showing you are you ready all right i'm going to show you the very first cue and then i want you to see if you can
• 59:00 - 59:30 spot it all right what is this q what is this q let's see who gets it first what is this q anyone know what this one is it's a body language cue yay amy got it yes the smirk trenton got it this is the contempt smirk a one-sided mouth raise so this was a the smirk heard round the world and the reason for
• 59:30 - 60:00 this is because we she pulled her mouth into this uh one-sided mouth raise and by the way the smirk can happen on either side of the mouth what's interesting about this cue is i actually think that this is a specific cue that i like to call resting bothered face so there are two different kinds of cues you will learn about this in the book there are cues that mean they stand alone they mean something so contempt smirk can mean contempt or pessimism or scorn but there are also some cues that people use as punctuators that people
• 60:00 - 60:30 out of habit do those cues and i think unfortunately this is her resting bothered face that when she is concentrating when she is thinking she pulls her mouth into that contempt scorn this is incredibly important for you what is your resting bothered face do you know at rest what your face looks like so i have resting sad face i i do i have resting sad face so you're ready to see my my face at rest so my face at rest my mouth goes kind of down my eyes go down so this is my face
• 60:30 - 61:00 totally neutral but i look kind of sad i'm not sad but don't i kind of look sad i have resting sad face it is very important and we're gonna identify this in the book for you to know what your resting face is that is because when you're listening on video calls when you're listening in meetings when you're listening to your partner you should know at rest what your face looks like so i think this got her into trouble even though it was actually only her resting face all right i gave this one away so i'm already gonna i'm gonna reveal it to you so this one we talked about is a lip purse um so when we press our lips
• 61:00 - 61:30 together oh nicholas said i must have resting tired face nicholas that's the thing people are always like are you okay are you tired it is not just you my friend that it actually could be how your face is at rest that's a very good thing to know about yourself okay yes this is a lip purse as i talked about a lip purse is a universal withholding cue i really like to think about the lip purse in terms of when you're talking to someone and you're asking or trying to get important information and they go [Music]
• 61:30 - 62:00 that is your opportunity a lib purse is an opportunity for you to say are we all good does this all make sense are we on the same page do you have any questions for me you know let me go back and re-explain that a lip purse is an opportunity so i always want you to be on the lookout for accidental lip purposes to see if you can dig a little bit deeper all right what's this one the mona lisa what is a hidden cue it's not so hidden actually in the mona lisa
• 62:00 - 62:30 [Music] what is it what is it ah someone said i also frown when i'm thinking and people always think i'm mad oh man so and that's probably probably resting anger face so resting anger face could happen when we pinch our eyebrows together and these two vertical lines appear so i wonder um uh for uh who is resting anger face this one make sure you have it audra so um audra it might be that you are you're wrinkling these eyebrows and these two vertical lines up here which can look like concentration but could also look
• 62:30 - 63:00 like anger all right let's see folded hands board protective closed off okay so there's actually a couple different cues in the mona lisa this is closed body language you're absolutely right so there is a major difference by the way between this cue right resting my hands lightly together which looks relaxed and put together and this cue this is almost like a hand hug right so just try this with me so wherever you are if you're standing or sitting i just want you to try lightly crossing your hands over one another this should feel relaxed at rest calm
• 63:00 - 63:30 now try a hand hug so try uh putting your hands together just like mona lisa did it should feel a little more protective a little more closed almost like locked right if you try that together that kind of self it actually feels different what's amazing about our cues is they create these loops so even just holding our hands like this can be more relaxed than holding our hands like this can make us feel more closed and i talk about this research in the book which completely blew my mind they found yes
• 63:30 - 64:00 exactly someone said that makes me feel like hugging myself yes it's a much more protective gesture what research found is that when they had people try to be creative in a closed body posture so if they they had them sit in a closed body posture and try to be creative they actually had more trouble being creative in other words a closed body can create a closed mind so just having a closed body can actually create a closed mind there is a feedback loop that happens with our cues just incredibly powerful if you know how
• 64:00 - 64:30 to leverage it oh this is a fun one all right who got it who got it what's this one what's this one yes it's blue steel but what's the actual cue here that's the actual cue get my coffee for us any ideas what this is so blue steel i think was kind of famous for a reason right so it's kind of kind of a purse someone said fish lips yes smize is
• 64:30 - 65:00 there we're almost there flinty eyes thank you so funny little pop culture note here is ben stiller and will ferrell came up with the idea for blue steel because they said they noticed that pierce brosnan would always go on the red carpet and harden his lower lids that little a little squint it's called a lower lid flex so yes another way to think about this is flinty eyes but they noticed that pierce brosnan no matter what red carpet he was on he would always give a
• 65:00 - 65:30 flinty look now just try this for me so wherever you are harden your lower lids you will actually see more details and the reason why this is important is because biologically when we open our eyes wide we're trying to take in as much as possible we just are taking in more of our environment when i'm trying to see details i'll squint or harden my lower lid and that reduces the amount of light that can come into our eyes which makes us see more details across the room this is why this cue is a cue of
• 65:30 - 66:00 intensity we talk i talk about this q in the book and i like i joke with the with our readers which hopefully we'll get to that part which is that i notice that in this people's sexiest men alive almost sexy almost all those sexy men in people magazine tend to have a hardened lower lid and the reason for that is because we like when people look at us with deep intensity it means they're really scrutinizing us they're really looking at us they're really thinking carefully this is a great one to both decode and encode it's great to know when someone is
• 66:00 - 66:30 thinking deeply about what you're saying it can also be a signal that someone might be going into suspicion so that would be a good time to say make sense all good and then if you want to show intensity it can also show great uh like you're listening very very carefully it's kind of a fun one all right what's this one on tony robbins this is actually uh the cover of i'm not your guru what is this one what do we think anyone know this expression
• 66:30 - 67:00 what he's doing interested someone said interested kevin said this is great thank you kevin wrinkled forehead yes even more specifically magnolia said compassion oh okay okay now we got some right ones pinch eyebrows you know i'm very excited magnolia said compassion here's why this is pinched eyebrows it is on the way to a sadness micro expression so a sadness micro expression is one of the universal micro expressions when we pinch our eyebrows together we droop our lower lids and we
• 67:00 - 67:30 kind of droop the corners of our mouth i thought it was really fascinating that robbins chose this expression on the cover of his documentary he didn't show a picture of him smiling or on stage he showed a picture of sadness and magnolia is right in that it showed oh and also alex said sympathy it shows that whatever he was listening to made him feel empathy compassion and com companion sadness
• 67:30 - 68:00 so when we see cues that are mirrored it also tunes us into a certain level of compassion i'm actually going to deep dive i'm going to show a little video of this clip in our master class when you pre-order cues before march 4th and i hope you've already grabbed your copy if you haven't grab your copy before march 4th because then i will give you a link to our master class so next week i'll be doing a master class where i will be diving into video examples and demos of much more than these cues but i'm going to be talking in depth about um compassion and how our cues can trigger
• 68:00 - 68:30 these mirrored loops so be sure you get your quarter your copy before march 4th so i can send you a link to our master class next week all right what's this one cue number six oh by the way um uh someone asked what if we get the audiobook yes so if you get the kindle the audiobook or the hardcover we would love to have you in masterclass of course of course and i read the audiobook and someone said can i buy a hundred copies yes yes it would make me cry with joy if you buy 100 copies all right amy and amy amy
• 68:30 - 69:00 amy got this right steeple oh blanche said curious i like it so this is the steeple and i chose to do the steeple on the cover of this book so the steeple is like a power pose for the hands just try this for a second if you try this you will begin to feel put together composed calm you'll begin to feel a little bit more engaged this is a very relaxing gesture it's a very expansive gesture for our hands it is a favorite of shark kevin
• 69:00 - 69:30 o'leary you'll notice it on a lot of world leaders as well the steeple is great if you want to show calm competence so calm confidence i love this one to keep in the back pocket all right let's keep going we have a couple more by the way i want to see your steep ball i love seeing a steeple my secret hope with this cover was that i would get to see evil steeple so take a picture with with your copy and your steeple and show me it i want to see it okay so in chapter number two two two let's see if i remember chapter
• 69:30 - 70:00 no yes yes chapter number two i do a deep dive of the last supper i don't know if you can see that i do it deep by the last supper i want to give a little a little tiny preview here so i love cues hiding in plain sight i love when there's cues that are um they're sending hidden messages to us and so i analyze in depth the last supper i just want to talk about one queue i talk about about 15 cues in the book but this is one cue do you notice oh yes you guys got it already kevin a clenched fist gina got it diana
• 70:00 - 70:30 got diane got it right so a clenched fist now this is really interesting because a clenched fist is the opposite of a steeple right so when we are relaxed when we are so confident we have lots of space between our hands and our fingers when we're angry our hands have actually evolved to make a fist this is our most uh defensive gesture i thought it was very interesting that leonardo da vinci depicted judas so this is a judas in the last supper he depicted judas as the only apostle with a fist and of course we know this was a um a
• 70:30 - 71:00 painting that held the hidden story which that judas was about to betray christ and he gave this away with this anger cue with this clenched fist there are so many hidden cues in this picture including the up and down hand there's so many i won't go over them all here but um there's some really fun hidden ones see if you can see some of those hidden ones in your environment all right how about this one this is almost actually two i'll give i'll give two if anyone gets both of them
• 71:00 - 71:30 oh my mouse is in the way i'm so sorry uh all right what is what do we think this is what do we think it is oh someone said not interested oh that is such a good guess that is such a good guess i'm going to tell you why that is such a fake smile contempt head tilt so you're getting a lot of them so this smile i actually think in this clip she was trying to smile now it's sort of a contempt smirk but it's actually i think a partial smile that just doesn't reach all the way up into her eyes so if you
• 71:30 - 72:00 cover the bottom part of her face you'll see that you don't actually see that smile quote unquote all the way up into her up into her eyes the only indicator of true happiness is when those crows feet are activated i really liked the guess of not interested the reason for this is because we tend to think of people who give a fake smile like yeah cool i'd like that as not interested because we are picking up on the fact they are trying to show us happiness but they don't actually
• 72:00 - 72:30 feel happy here's my big call to action please go look at your profile pictures make sure you are not accidentally showing a fake smile make sure that if you're either neutral it can be neutral or all the way happy but no fake smile please i'm gonna activate those crow's feet i think this one's pretty obvious but i'll let y'all guess just because it's kind of fun any any matthew mcconaughey q is a good one any guesses here [Music] any guesses
• 72:30 - 73:00 oh jose said i'm a fitness dance instructor and i get those faces when it's not their favorite song that is so funny jose so when you're playing songs and people are like yeah great song they're not actually into it that is super interesting everyone got this one right this is body mirroring so in really good interviews on really good dates and i love people watching oh boy oh boy do i love cute people watching and this book will help you accelerate your people watching abilities i know an interview is going
• 73:00 - 73:30 really well or a date is going really well when people are mirroring and it usually happens completely subconsciously in this interview i thought it was so interesting they were almost copying their legs so when matthew would cross sheeran would cross when cheering would cross mcconaughey would cross it was a very interesting subtle way of saying i nonverbal i non-verbally respect you and they kind of were copying their cues which is so sweet so by the way they're also um folding their hands in the exact same way on really good dates and really good interviews and really good negotiations you'll see
• 73:30 - 74:00 subtle mirroring and research i talk about in the book which blew my mind was that when people go into salary negotiations when the person who is negotiating mirrors the boss they earn more in their salary compensation package in other words subtly mirroring your negotiating partner is one of the best ways to get more out of the deal and this is research that looked at real salary negotiations not mock salary negotiations they looked at real salary negotiations they coded them for cues
• 74:00 - 74:30 and they found that mirroring was the biggest predictor of who would get the largest compensation packages right i wish i had known that earlier right that would have been an incredible power queue to have in my back pocket so yes this is body mirroring i'm actually going to skip this video we're going to post a link to it because the videos weren't showing up great before cue number ten what's this one what's this one oh nicholas asked a really good question should people read captivate before cues you do not have to so i wish
• 74:30 - 75:00 i had a copy of captivate here captivating cues they're they're sister books they can go great together but they don't have to so you're welcome to read cues and then captivate or captivate in queues or both at the same time that might be a lot so there's not one before the other do not worry about one being you know the beginner one the master they actually are quite complimentary um they go they go all together okay surprise eyelid raise shocked angry okay so the reason why i think this one is really interesting is this eyelid rays
• 75:00 - 75:30 very good an eyelid rays means we're trying to take in more so just try this right now so if you're watching this raise your eyelids up it will make you feel a little anxious a little worried a little afraid don't do it for too long and that's because our body knows that when we're trying to take in more of our environment we're literally like up and out up and out up and out right be aware of this in your profile photos be aware of this on your video calls do not accidentally do an eyelid raise sometimes i see people who are nervous
• 75:30 - 76:00 taking pictures of themselves will accidentally eyebrow raise their picture looks like this and their eyes are a little bit too wide so make sure that you don't see any whites in the upper part of your eyes a really really small one last cue last two last q what do you get this is girl with the pearl earring what q is hidden in this picture there's a couple cues actually so which is the one that uh most calls out to you that you think is most interesting
• 76:00 - 76:30 by the way a funny little story on this one is um this morning i got to go on cbs mornings with gail king and it was amazing and she was so wonderful to meet and she came to me in the makeup hair and makeup room and she said vanessa i really really want to talk about this cue she had she had read the book she had all these markings and post-its and she's like we have to talk about this cue so this is gail king's favorite cue i'm about to show you she made sure that we mentioned
• 76:30 - 77:00 it and talked about it so this is actually we have a lot of different interesting guesses here is the head tilt so if you look at this picture right we have a lot of the slight head tilt back and towards the camera a head tilt is an incredibly important engage cue when i say can you hear that we tilt our head up and expose our ear that is why when we see someone who has a head tilt it makes them look more open more warm it was kale king's favorite cue she's like i just love the head tilt we have to talk about the head tilt and that's
• 77:00 - 77:30 because a head tilt shows openness it's a very um great warmth cue when you are listening to someone you want to show that you are listening i want you to do the head tilt when you are on video and you want and you're on mute but you want to show that you're listening you can listen with the head tilt it's a great way to literally show engagement all right i wanted to talk about a couple other things um for profile pictures specifically because we're going to do some some linkedin makeovers and some profile picture voting are you all ready to do
• 77:30 - 78:00 some profile picture voting so i just wanted to do some comparisons here so a slight head tilt can instantly make you look more warm and likable now this is not for everyone right i want you to take a look at these side by side there is not a universal uh that tilts are always better tilts are only better if you want to dial up warmth right so the purpose of using cues to reinvent ourselves is if you chose a word like warm friendly likable outgoing yes i want you to add a head
• 78:00 - 78:30 tilt but if you chose a word like competent or intelligent or powerful i maybe wouldn't want you to use a head tilt there is not a universal better or worse here it's all based on your social goals you can see the difference here between the the tilt and the not tilts right so they're they're not always good they're only good if you want to do a little bit more warmth so profile photos your profile photos are incredibly important for your digital first impression
• 78:30 - 79:00 this was incredible research that found using a single photograph people were accurately able to judge extroversion openness agreeableness conscientiousness neuroticism self-esteem loneliness religiosity and even political orientation this is a crazy study that basically found that when we were looking at profile pictures we are looking at every single cue that we can get our hands on we're trying to analyze as much as we can from those profile pictures i dive deep into this in the book about what all those cues mean but i wanted to pull
• 79:00 - 79:30 out a couple of my favorites okay research found that people are seen as angrier when their head was tilted down and researchers think this is this is for a very specific reason so if you try tilting your head down it's a protective gesture it protects your jugular so if you're ever in a fight you don't want someone to punch this part of you because then you wouldn't be able to breathe you would be able to swallow and so uh we see this ted tilt down gesture as actually a more angry gesture more defensive gesture this is not bad or
• 79:30 - 80:00 good this is not wrong or right but i want you to be aware if you are accidentally doing this in your profile photos that even just that slight tilt down can change people's perceptions of you another weird one this is just for western cultures so everything i've been talking about so far are universal cues but this one is specifically for western cultures researchers found that in western cultures looking up and to the right is associated with positive characteristics like being optimistic and forward thinking you'll notice that a lot of leaders and politicians will
• 80:00 - 80:30 choose their head shots as looking up and to the right and this is a really interesting association that we tend to have kind of interesting right all right i would love your help let's play a little game so we had everyone submit not everyone people who were willing submit profile pictures they were trying to decide between a or b and so i want your help i want you to tell me if you think a or b are you ready i'm going to show you two different versions of profile pictures and we are going to vote okay so this is ken a little background
• 80:30 - 81:00 on ken he said i am currently transitioning from 20 years as a research scientist at a national lab into a new career and your work is a great resource in that process and beyond okay here's a question and we would love your votes ken love your votes which image do you prefer image a or image b image a or image b these are always so fun by the way i want to see there's the universe oh okay ken almost everyone is saying b
• 81:00 - 81:30 wow wow wow we have i i mean mostly b's i always say 90 b's here why so i was super excited about this because there is a reason i think most people like bee can there is a secret cue happening in your profile picture are you ready for the secret cue the reason why we like b is because of a spacing issue so i dive into this in chapter three which is called the body language of leaders but i want to share it with you here which is
• 81:30 - 82:00 humans have invisible rules of space one of the cues we use is how we use space so there are four different zones of space the first is the intimate zone this is a little the ranges are a little bit different for each culture the zones are the same but how how far they are depends a little bit on each culture so there's intimate personal social and public here is why i think ken people are preferring and i also prefer image b is because if you look at the first image so image a you are in the camera's intimate space
• 82:00 - 82:30 and people don't like to get intimate with people they're just seeing so if this is your linkedin profile picture or even your dating two profile picture it's almost like being too much of a close talker you're getting too close too fast so that zero to eight inches it puts you too intimate whereas image b that's the sweet spot you're in the personal zone and we like to get to know people in the personal zone so that little secret cue is why i would definitely choose be that secret cue
• 82:30 - 83:00 oh by the way look at your profile picture and see if you can see if you're too close or too far to the camera so here's an example uh even on video i try really hard not to be this close right even now when we had to switch cameras i kind of made sure i was at least a foot and a half away because i want to make sure i wasn't too close by the way should i clean my screen for y'all hold on is that better is that a little better it was a little fingerprinty before so even being that close to the camera so make sure that your camera on your video
• 83:00 - 83:30 calls is also at least 18 inches away all right this is why i wanted you to begin to think about how would you like someone to describe you i want to get even more detailed here so are you thinking about using your pictures for social or professional settings are you at a fun company or looking for a fun company or a unique role or are you at a traditional company or looking for a traditional role also when you think about your ideal room where you want to spend time what kind of room do you want to spend time in the reason i ask these is because we have to
• 83:30 - 84:00 be purposeful if you want to be seen as warm likable trustworthy i want you to send warmth cues if you want to be seen as powerful impressive and competent i want you some competent cues if you want that perfect sweet spot of both warm and competent which is my favorite i want you to send a perfect balance okay i like this one from gina are you ready for your next vote get your fingers ready for this next vote so gina said this most people assume i am an extrovert because i am a successful salesperson and people leader and relationships are
• 84:00 - 84:30 important to me by the way gina asked a great question about introverts and extroverts which i'm going to answer in the ask me anything so they asked me anything is coming and i'm going to answer your question there gina but i wanted everyone to vote first gina what is our favorites image a or image b image a or image b by the way i'm pretty sure image b was supposed to be a little bit it just was a smaller photo so ignore the blurriness ignore the blurriness what's your favorite i'm actually i'm very curious about this one do we like image a or image b pretend image b is not blurry just because i had
• 84:30 - 85:00 to blow it up for you okay we have much more a's i see two or three b's but much more a's oh someone said a a-a-a-a-a up okay oh robert so my work is phenomenal thank you okay i want to break this down cause there's some hidden cues in here so first of all gina you are a fan of the head tilt which i love so a head tilt is a warmth cue right we're tilting our head which adds engagement so both of these images
• 85:00 - 85:30 are head tilt which i like i think image b might be a little too far away so i think that actually image b could be the social zone right it might be that far away from the camera which makes people feel a little bit distant from someone said that image b feels a little bit weird or image b looks empty right there's a little bit too much space on this side image a is in the personal zone so it's a head tilt plus being in the right space zone also you have a very important imagery cue can anyone see the imagery cue can anyone see the imagery cue that's hiding
• 85:30 - 86:00 so imagery is the final chapter of the book it has to do with our ornaments what we wear what's in our background the props we use it is a business jacket so in image a you're also using a business jacket so my question for you would be where are you using this so if you're using this in a business environment i would add the business jacket i think business jacket plus head tilt is warmth plus competence mwah i love it oh and someone said the image b is a t-shirt so if you're thinking about a dating profile
• 86:00 - 86:30 or a social picture cool the t-shirt's much more casual but if you're going for business i like that warmth plus competent i like head tilt plus blazer let's do a linkedin makeover okay so i've been talking about how cues can change when people perceive us and i want to talk about one specific cue so dylan was kind enough to submit his linkedin profile picture his linkedin profile and um i wanted to analyze a couple cues that are hidden i think in this profile and i want hopefully after this you can after this class and as you're reading cues you can start to
• 86:30 - 87:00 analyze some of the cues in your own pictures so one thing that i thought was interesting was um a couple of different cues i'm actually going to call them all out here i you're in a neutral face but you have a lower lid flex so you notice you notice that he's smizing don't have a little bit of a blue steel going on there which i love so i love a lower lid flex in a picture it shows competence it shows intensity i love it your facial expression could be contempt right i see a little bit of asymmetry in that one-sided mouth raise which i think
• 87:00 - 87:30 is interesting and i'm curious if people think that um there's any kind of asymmetry the reason why i think this is something that i want you to think about is you have a potential contempt micro expression with also the word hate now i like that you say helping teams not hate meetings that concept is good and i love the word help and i love the word teams but i worry about the word hate especially partnered with a potential contempt microexpression when we have contempt which means scorn or disdain or pessimism if we pair that
• 87:30 - 88:00 with a very negative word especially in our top headline if someone's skimming right they're really quickly looking at something they might very quickly get that that priming from those two cues so i might change it to just make that either have a neutral expression or a full smile if you're willing that you don't have to if that's too uh too much for you but i think a neutral expression and then also changing the word hate to maybe making team meetings awesome reinventing team meetings or helping teams look forward to team meetings or
• 88:00 - 88:30 helping people look forward to their team meetings i think if you keep all the words um warm and collaborative you might get people who are speed reading your profile to also hit that warmth and competence right okay suzanne says i do see some contempt so i just want you to be aware of even these subtle subtle cues oh and also by the way i think you have a missed opportunity in your background so i think this is a default background of the mountains it's very relaxing and serene you might want to consider having something that would underline your message so if you're helping teams is there a picture you can take with you in
• 88:30 - 89:00 one of your teams is there a picture of you take working with people is there a picture that can help aid your professional message because i think don't call me crazy remember i'm a people reader i think this is a wedding shot either you were a groomsman or a groom anyone think that so because that's okay by the way that's okay if you have a shot that's more uh personal because i see your boutonniere but if you partner with a the the more wedding setting with also the nature background it's not as um i can't imagine you in a professional setting of
• 89:00 - 89:30 course you are impressionable you're going to be in a professional setting but those two pairings that that imagery um has it hard for me to think of you working with a team so if there's a more team-oriented one i would definitely do that these changes feel small but they have huge results that's what's so powerful about them that's what gets me so excited about queues is it does not take much to have a big impact for all my golfers i've got any golfers here i like to think of this as a golf
• 89:30 - 90:00 metaphor so we're thinking about like a golf swing for example very very small changes in your golf swing how you hold you're changing your grip you're changing your feet all of those things are tiny little opportunities and so i want you to think of this as you're changing small little opportunities in your profile pictures in your meetings in your presence that is how we begin to reinvent ourselves we begin to take control of our cues to make each of them purposeful i want to talk about um chapter number
• 90:00 - 90:30 four so oh i actually mentioned the study earlier so mit researchers tracked the amount of mirroring and real salary negotiations of mid-level executives and they found of course i talked about this i got so excited about this study that i already previewed it they found that the more a new hire mirrored during their negotiation the more they earned in their salary right this one small cue and this by the way this wasn't like simon says right it was a small amount of subtle mirroring i talked about subtle mirroring a little bit more in the book too mirroring mirroring
• 90:30 - 91:00 improved financial results by 20 to 30 percent one small q change earned them 20 to 30 percent more in their salary negotiation this is incredibly powerful these small queues matter they completely changed the game so the big question now is okay how do we align our cues with our goals how do we how do we sync those two things up i believe the cues you send to the world the signals you send to the world tell the world how they should treat you so
• 91:00 - 91:30 if you want the world to treat you differently you have to start with your cues and this is my call to action right here's my inspiration slide it's my inspiration slide which is if you do not like p how people treat you it is time to change your cues if you don't like your salary or your comp it's time to change your cues if you don't like the results you're getting in any area of your life it is time to change your cues i think we can start there and that is the easiest low pressure way to begin to change and this brings me to question number three
• 91:30 - 92:00 are you ready for question number three all right number three what do you want more of in your life so we're getting real specific here what do you want more of so that last slide where i talk about what needs to change let's get specific about what needs to change what do you want more of what results do you want to achieve i want to see it put it in the chat i want to see it diane said i'm seeing a pattern change your cues diane you're right that is the message right okay
• 92:00 - 92:30 so what do you want more of in your life kevin said what if it doesn't work kevin we have to try it these micro changes once you begin to try them they change things in you they change the way other people see you let me convince you try a few and let me convince you all right so what results do you want more of in your life what emotions do you want more of so this can be tangible results physical results but also could be more emotions that you want to feel you want to feel more confident want to feel more yourself for me
• 92:30 - 93:00 when i first started this journey i wanted to feel a sense of belonging and i wanted to feel more authentic and i wanted to feel more calm i wanted less social overwhelm that's what started me on this journey it was an internal sense it was emotions actually even less than actual tangible results which ended up having the benefit of tangible results but that was the emotions and then lastly maybe the more is the kinds of people you want in your life what kind of people do you want to spend
• 93:00 - 93:30 time with oh scott's out of water i have water i saw his cue i saw his cue he was like i'm so thirsty what kinds of people do you want around you okay i'm excited to read this chat okay okay here we go happiness good community money joy and abundance elizabeth i get you extra money to share don that's beautiful laughing more being more productive powerful positive energy love it quality
• 93:30 - 94:00 relationships yes victoria my goodness over the last two years i have learned quality relationships over quantity relationships i love it having less anxiety when having strangers having conversation with strangers yes someone said i want a lot of attention from vanessa attention for you look at that look how quick that was dawn said i want doers not complainers powerful people good positive people healthy more confident charismatic
• 94:00 - 94:30 we have to get specific right the more purpose we have the more we create these realities so as you begin to think of these i want you to get really specific i want you to think about the tangible results the emotional results and the people results the more we have those and we're gonna actually do something practical with them in a second the more we have those i'm gonna teach a couple more slides but i want you to begin thinking about them and if you can write a list start writing these down right so make three columns i want a column that's the right i want a column that's the results i want a column that's the emotions and i want to call them what's
• 94:30 - 95:00 the people i got really loud there i didn't mean to yell at you but i got i was just excited about you writing that down okay this leads me to number four you knew this question was coming right so we just talked about more if we're gonna talk about more we gotta talk about less right so sometimes adding isn't as important as taking away sometimes the best things aren't additive sometimes the best things are actually subtracting what do you want less of in your life
• 95:00 - 95:30 who and what drains you okay so this is your next list right this is your next list who and what drains you what's toxic what's toxic what did someone say ah oh scott said queues is now the number one new release on amazon that's so exciting that makes me so excited okay that makes me like so happy thanks everyone that's really nice
• 95:30 - 96:00 okay thank you thank you for buying this book i'm happy it's happy tears i'm just yeah i'm so happy about it i don't have a tissue either things this is my jacket i'm so happy about that thank you for
• 96:00 - 96:30 buying it everyone listen and if you're not buying it it's okay i'm just happy to teach this to you like i was happy to just teach this lesson even if no one bought so i'm so happy okay it's gonna ruin my makeup everyone okay it's okay this glass is like handing me cloths he's like here use your scarf okay thank you so much everyone for being with me and for buying okay so this is the time to think about what do we want less of in our life right what
• 96:30 - 97:00 no longer serves you and by the way one of these questions is gonna be more powerful than the other so i ask myself these questions every year around my birthday i sit down and i think what do i want more of in my life next year what do i want less of in my life and every year it's different which question is more important is this an adding time you need to add right now you need to add skills and add people and add things and add challenges or do you need less you take away remove set up boundaries be more assertive which of these questions is
• 97:00 - 97:30 more important to you that's going to be really important in really telling for what's happening right now so distraction frenemies and villains that's what the chat said less fear less toxicity and dishonesty dishonesty less self-doubt less emotional distractions emotional distractions are exactly what we're talking about right that you nailed it that is exactly what we're talking about it's like what is draining us emotionally people pleasing yes oh my goodness and thank you for all your congratulations
• 97:30 - 98:00 so here's another way to think about this question so if you're struggling with this less question i want to add in um an extra idea okay so here's a little extra here to take a moment take a deep breath when did you last so this might help if you're having some blocks i'm like i can't i can't figure out what i need less of i can't figure out what's wrong so sometimes when something is not working in our lives and we're feeling burnt out we're feeling like we're on a plateau we're feeling stuck we can't like get an emotional
• 98:00 - 98:30 emotional um wedge between what's happening so this might help when did you last feel unappreciated unwanted or disliked who was it with where was it when did it happen that might be the less right so if there was a moment or a person or a place where you felt unappreciated unwanted or disliked that could be on your less list when did you last have a negative reaction to someone or something negative reaction is an interesting one
• 98:30 - 99:00 because sometimes and this happens to me so if i'm a people pleaser i act i might act like it's okay but inside i feel destroyed or inside i feel like i'm lacking so when did you internally have a negative reaction to something that can be your less that can trigger you to have your less when did you last feel uneasy about a choice you made now uneasiness is not a symbol of something bad but it could be a time where there was some uh
• 99:00 - 99:30 some secret cues that were holding something back some some uh stickiness that wasn't serving you so when was last time you felt uneasy or your intuition was like no no no we should not do that last one this is a hard one i but i really resonates with me i hope this resonates with you when did you last seek approval in inauthentic ways so when did you last take approval by an ethnic ways this could be by showing off by one-upping by being dishonest about
• 99:30 - 100:00 your values this also could be by inauthentic ways by closing down or being quiet we didn't actually want to be i think that a really horrible symptom of having misaligned cues of not knowing the cues we are saying to others is that it makes us feel really inauthentic and it makes us respond in ways that don't even feel like us and that is the worst way to interact that's what makes us feel drained and misaligned is where we're like who was that why did i even respond that way so
• 100:00 - 100:30 this might help you these prompts by the way you're welcome take a screenshot of this we're going to post the replay up afterwards you can watch it as many times as you like take a little screenshot of this and maybe spend some time thinking about these prompts later here's what i want you to do so i really encourage you take out a sheet of paper take out your to-do list right now we are going to make two we're actually going to make three different lists okay so i want you to either get three post-its i want you to make uh three columns on your sheet of paper all of the mores the things you want the
• 100:30 - 101:00 ways you want to come across i want you to add those to your to-do list if there's a person a place a way of being that you need to grasp and get more of if there's more charisma confidence cues you have to learn i want you to put those in your to-do list but i also want you to add a not to-do list i think everyone at all times should have a running life to-do list and a running life not to-do list a not to-do list are the things that drain you that are toxic that you don't like what is on your not to-do list how do you not
• 101:00 - 101:30 want to show up what do you want less of i want you to begin to sort and that middle column by the way that's your question mark column that's kind of a magic column if you are not sure if there are things where you're like i'm ambivalent i don't know what's next i don't know what to do that goes in your middle column my challenge for you over the next few weeks is to begin to sort everything into these two columns so you know exactly when you're in a meeting an interaction when you're thinking about
• 101:30 - 102:00 your goals for the week you know exactly what you have to do more of and you know exactly you have to do less of my goal is to get everything out of that middle column here's what's incredible we can cultivate all the positive cues we want research is pretty clear on this leaders are not born they are made leaders are made not born specifically by the way when you look at the percentages they think and this is an approximate that about 30 of our leadership is genetics and about 70 of our life choices so there is a
• 102:00 - 102:30 little bit of born with it there are some people who are born with great hand gestures but so much of it is what we can cultivate we can learn we can grow and that is the sweet spot that's the area i wanna i wanna activate and that leads me to the very last question before we begin to get into our ask me anything i'm also going to go over some of the book bonuses number five what skills right now will help you activate everything in your life so i think that a lot of the times we think about what we want more of we think about lesser but we don't think about how we're going to learn it if we're thinking about
• 102:30 - 103:00 growth where do you need more growth when you look at your to-do list i want you to circle or highlight i don't know how to do that right so if you circled if you wrote on your to-do list i want a more confident presence and you know exactly how to do it yes fabulous but if you're like i don't know how to have a confident presence that's this question that is the top thing that i want you to be doing is figuring out okay here are the things you want what
• 103:00 - 103:30 are the skills that you need to activate to be able to get those things what you need to grow what you need to learn what would help you feel more confidence i want you to begin to circle these are really interesting let's see em said i need to learn to be more sure of myself oh azaria said my memory fantastic right if it's a specific skill let's tackle it let's do it right oh my gosh and edison my book was just delivered look at that timing that was meant to be okay self-worth self-confidence stronger communication being more interesting
• 103:30 - 104:00 more calmness and more patience i love it so i want you to be specific about what you want to learn this is my mission i would love to help i put out free content every week on youtube and on our blog to try to help you grow your skills so the more that i can help you grow your skills to tackle those specific things in your to-do list the happier i am and this means it's time for a change it means it's time to change things this is another inspiration slide right i'm cueing you with that big one this is an inspiration
• 104:00 - 104:30 slide are you ready inspiration slide if you're being underestimated it's time to change something if you aren't getting the respect you deserve it's time for you to change something it's time to show people how they should treat you i think this is our moment my friends this is the time where we begin to take advantage we begin to take control of how we want people to treat us we have 96 cues to empower us we talked about 11 cues today that was 11 of the 96. i have so many interesting case
• 104:30 - 105:00 studies in the book i wanted you to see that really successful people over time over decades have used cues in lots of different ways here are just a couple of the fun examples that i have hidden in the book we talk about kevin hart ben franklin a-rod neil degrasse tyson i mean every area of life from politicians to comedian celebrities because i think there is so much to learn from these folks one thing that we also have in the book which i haven't even been able to dive
• 105:00 - 105:30 into is we have over 130 studies in the book so it is if you like uh research it is jam packed with studies we also do a lot of our own research for the book so we did our shark tank experiment with my research partner jose pina we analyzed 495 shark tank pitches that research is in the book we have our micro expression research in the book we have research on our ted talks we even did some interesting linkedin testing where we looked at linkedin headlines if we could um gamify how people um
• 105:30 - 106:00 perceive someone based in their base on their linkedin headline or their linkedin profile picture so we have a ton of research that you can use in your linkedin profiles in the book so we have a lot of our own really interesting research that i was not have not been able to share yet that i got to put in the book which i'm very excited about here's the thing i have so many thank you bonuses if you order before march 4th the reason for this by the way just so you know why we have these is because this is the week that matters for getting the book a good juicy juicy launch so if you buy a book before march
• 106:00 - 106:30 4th they have so many goodies one you're going to get the official q's digital workbook so the workbook is fabulous it's a great way to learn along with cues this is a great way if you're a note taker if you want to print out and have a kind of an easy reference you can print out or download the official cues digital workbook we get we're giving these away of course until march 4th next week is the master class so today was actually only the intro class right we got deep i cried right we already got deep next week is the master class where we
• 106:30 - 107:00 are going to go behind the scenes i'm going to show you video demos the one thing that i couldn't do in the book and in the audio book is i could not do video demos so in the master class next week i'm going to be diving a little bit deeper into some of the advanced science so the master class next week i'll also be taking your questions so if you get your book now you can also start reading and you can ask me your questions as you're reading which is so much fun right for me and for you i'm also going to be doing more cues case studies so if you order before march 4th i will be able to help you
• 107:00 - 107:30 with we're going to be doing some profile photo makeovers some more of those next week i'm going to be doing more linkedin profile breakdowns i'm going to be doing some website reviews and of course we have to do some dating profile questions and q and a's so i'm going to be doing a couple of case studies as well so if you have ideas or you're wondering about one of your own cues send those to me before the master class next week so i can put them in the slides i love featuring the slides and by the way um in the chat we're going to put how you can submit your receipt so i believe in sideseeple.com
• 107:30 - 108:00 cues right signs of people.com cues make sure to submit your receipt so we can send you these bonuses we're also going to give you the q's reading guide these are some great questions you can think about especially if you're reading with a partner or a wing woman or a wingman or your book club and this is a fun one so i actually am not doing private coaching anymore except for some qs readers so this year the only private coaching i'm going to be doing is for my early qs readers every book you buy is an entry to win a
• 108:00 - 108:30 coaching session with me we can video chat and talk and i can analyze your cues answer your questions i'll take you through one of my coaching frameworks that is the only coaching i'm going to be doing this year so if you buy a book if you buy 30 books if you buy 20 books that's each of those are an entry to win a private coaching session with me i'd love to meet you here's also what's amazing is we now have the qs app so once you buy the book you have a companion app along with the book so if you want to sort of take the cues with you this app is going to be all those
• 108:30 - 109:00 cues in one place scott who's going to come on ask me anything a little bit built this app for us all of the cues you learn in the book are in this companion app we have photos we have definitions so that when you're out and about and you want to very quickly check what was that cue what's the danger zone queue again oh yeah without a warmth cue or a competence cue all of the cues are in this app so you can take them with you as you go it's a great companion we also have the charisma scale which you're going to learn in chapter one we have a glossary of all the terms
• 109:00 - 109:30 i just wanted to think of what is the easiest way for people to activate all this content and so along with when you read you will get this amazing companion app i think it's so pretty i think it looks so cool if you buy two books by the way if you buy two books for yourself and a friend or even if you buy the audiobook for yourself and the hardcover for yourself right some people like to buy different formats that's great this is a great way to learn with your partner to learn with a friend it's a great gift it's a great gift so first you get everything from
• 109:30 - 110:00 one book of course and two entries for that private coaching session you also get access to our free conversation hq pro this is thousands of conversation starters so in this app we for those of you who don't know we have a great little app called conversation hq the pro version has conversation starters for different areas of your life so icebreakers for meetings best questions for first dates best questions for family and kids and friends so we have them all broken down by category if you buy two books we give you our pro version of the app for free you're also
• 110:00 - 110:30 going to get a handwritten thank you note with your book it's a great bookmark great thing to add especially if you wanted to get your book signed this little handwritten thank you knows a nice little extra and you're also going to get our lie detection course so our live detection course is 149 bucks you're going to get it for free if you buy two books i like um these two together the lie detection course i deep dive in some of the danger zone queues that's chapter six so if you buy two books you get to watch the lie detection course which is so fun be sure to submit your receipt to get
• 110:30 - 111:00 these bonuses you have to submit your receipt so we can send you these links so be sure to submit your receipt at sciencepeople.com qs whoa what if you buy 30 books so if you have a team or a book club or an event i would be so excited i have some extra special bonuses so first of all you get everything from before plus 30 entries and then this is the big one you get a free entry into oh i also want to tell you if you want to buy 30 books email support signs people.com because i
• 111:00 - 111:30 want to give you my author discount so i also can give you an author discount if you buy them as a thank you that's the first thing but the big one is you get free access to people school so peopleschool is our flagship course this is an incredible course for high achieving professionals it is 12 science-based soft skills it goes along great with cues and captivate you get a beautiful surprise box that little box right there you get a little gift box that we send you in the mail yes even internationally we love sending this about this box all over the world you
• 111:30 - 112:00 will get a free access free access into people's school and that is a fifteen hundred dollar value so i would love to see you and remember that people's school is completely virtual so if you get this with 30 books you get lifetime access you can take it anytime anywhere yes yes yes all right final challenges one i want you to begin to activate your to-do list and your not to-do list i want you to begin sorting all those things i visit more or less over the next few weeks so you know exactly what you want to do and what skills to tackle
• 112:00 - 112:30 i want you to pick one big skill to conquer this year if you're really ambitious i want you to think about one skill you want to conquer each month i think the more growth we can have in our life the more we can learn i'm going to pick one big skill you're going to conquer in fact if you're willing to put your skill in the chat put the skill that you want to conquer this year in the chat i'd love to see it and then of course buy your book or book submit your receipt take a picture show me your favorite queue and come to our master class next
• 112:30 - 113:00 week we are just getting started here are all the pictures of books i've been loving getting all these pictures from friends i would love to feature you as well if you take a picture with the book i love to see steeples i love to see your favorite q and now we're going to do an ask many things so i'm going to take a very quick break so everyone can run to the bathroom grab a cup of coffee we're going to do an ask me anything and we're going to play a quick video while we run to the bathroom it's a reveal of the table of contents so if you're curious what's in the book we're gonna do it uh
• 113:00 - 113:30 right now so watch that quick video and then we're gonna do an ask me anything [Music] i'm gonna wait i'm gonna wait 17 years ago i started a little folder on my desktop called curious cues and in this folder i would save and collect any odd interesting unique
• 113:30 - 114:00 fascinating amazing body language cue verbal cue thing that i noted about a person and they were all over the place for example i clipped a little cue that i saw when lance armstrong was talking to oprah and larry king and it later turned out he was lying i clipped a little section of one of britney spears interviews in 2006 on dateline i clipped some interesting conversation orders that i noticed important people
• 114:00 - 114:30 were using that were changing the nature of their conversations i did this for the last 17 years and then i started to notice patterns i started to notice that very highly charismatic people were using very similar cues not just with their body language and their voice and their face but also their words and i also noticed that some of the bad guys some of the people who rubbed us wrong who turned out to be lying later you know i would watch an interview with an athlete who said i've never doped and then two years later
• 114:30 - 115:00 would come out and say i dope yeah i don't and i would notice that there were cues that they leaked of guilt or shame or anger or contempt that had rubbed me wrong originally and i realized there was also a pattern of cues that we don't like seeing in people we're with that turn people off that take away or sap our charisma and so in 2019 i started to think about could i turn them into a book
• 115:00 - 115:30 could i begin to create a system for reading and decoding cues of others but also for encoding and sending the right cues ourself and two years later qs is here so in this video i want to talk about first i want to reveal what keys is all about i want to reveal the table of contents everyone's been asking what's in there what's in cues today i'm going to talk about it i'm also going to talk about some of the hidden research that i did behind the scenes for cues this is
• 115:30 - 116:00 17 years in the making cues vary basically just so we are all on the same page cues are the powerful verbal nonverbal and vocal signals humans send to each other what we don't realize is that we are sending thousands of these cues to each other every day yet they go missed and i think those are all filled with opportunities my goal is to give you a framework for you to be in control the cues you send to be able to read the cues are being sent to you and that makes you more purposeful more impactful and more charismatic so let's
• 116:00 - 116:30 talk about what the actual book is about so i break the book down into a couple different parts a couple different types of cues there are four cue buckets non-verbal so our body language the cues we send with our face our hands our posture next is vocal yes there's so many hidden cues in our voice how confident we sound how trustworthy we sound then verbal so the cues we send and the words we use in our email text chats in person slacks all the different hidden cues that are in your verbal content or in other words
• 116:30 - 117:00 content and then lastly imagery so color psychology the images we use and how that affects people's perception of us so that's how we break down the book and i try to have real examples in each section so in every chapter the way that i like to think about writing is i always have a really powerful piece of science and then um a case study with a real person and then an action step so for example right in the introduction i talk about how some of these cues happen on shark tank and i break down a little um cue
• 117:00 - 117:30 that mark cuban shows in a pitch um on shark tank we did some analysis we wanted to know what's difference between successful pitches and unsuccessful pitches so we discovered that oftentimes sharks will give away their hesitations with their nonverbal cues so right in the intro of the book i talk about mark cuban's secret cue which is called a mouth shrug so a mouth shrug is really interesting because it's an upside down u of your mouth so your mouth actually goes into an upside down u oftentimes um
• 117:30 - 118:00 we also pull our eyebrows up and sometimes even close our eyes this is a very very typical cue that you'll see when someone doesn't believe something it's a queue of disbelief so a mouth shrug is literally upverting your mouth so you cannot speak out of it so when someone goes they're disbelieving in doubt trying to not say something so that's an example of one of the cues that we break down from real life there's also all kinds of interesting people in the book uh in chapter one i talk about um the charisma
• 118:00 - 118:30 formula so what makes someone charismatic um how we can break that down i also analyzed some really cool people like my favorite oprah so i talk about oprah i also talk about jeff bezos we break down what makes some of these people charismatic so there i believe in chapter one chapter two i dive into some of the non-verbal science so for this one i had a lot of fun i was thinking about what kind of example can we use where cues
• 118:30 - 119:00 are hiding in plain sight so for this chapter i used hidden cues in the last supper by leonardo da vinci there are cues everywhere we just don't realize what they're saying so actually break down some of the cues that are hiding in the last supper a little sneak peek is i would take a look at the hand gestures why is one hand up and why is one hand down i would take a look at who is taking up space versus who is not taking up space you also can look at the last supper in
• 119:00 - 119:30 terms of proxemic zones i teach about the hidden cues in our space in this chapter so in the hidden space zone who is in the intimate space who is in personal space who is in social space and who is beyond and so you can actually break down the last supper even in terms of zones so that's a really fun one in this chapter the next chapter is i break down all the nonverbal cues of charisma warmth and power so in the charisma chapter i talk about specifically what are the cues that very
• 119:30 - 120:00 highly charismatic people use when they're communicating uh even looking in their profile pictures in their videos in their online communication as well as their offline communication i talk about the cues of trust and warmth and likability what do likable people do what do warm and trustworthy people do to build a sense of connection and camaraderie and then i also have a entire section on nonverbal cues of competence power and capability what makes impressive people impressive why is it that some people can walk into a room and you immediately want to know
• 120:00 - 120:30 them one of the examples i give in this one is of the presidential debate between nixon and kennedy this is a really practical way to think about cues and so i break down the debate and i'll show you this actually for a second let's see if you can see some of the cues that are lurking even in this one little screenshot so if you look at this one little screenshot this is just still taken from the video what hidden cues are here so i break down here's number one number two number three
• 120:30 - 121:00 number four number five number six so i break down all those keys in the book so you can see that even in a little snapshot of this debate there are all kinds of cues that these candidates were sending and they change the nature of the election so i won't give too much away that was a really practical example of how certain powerful people show their power while others don't another kind of fun thing is in this section i also talked to you about uh cues that are hidden in our eye gaze in our
• 121:00 - 121:30 contact uh content i um we go through the reading the minds and the eyes test which is can you tell someone's emotions by reading their iqs so that's a really fun one um i point out some of the secret cues that are happening uh people's faces so you can be better at decoding and spotting hidden emotions then in the verbal section i talk about how to sound more confident and i talk about warmth and trust cues with your voice as well as power cues with your voice how do you get people to stop and listen how to get people to take you seriously it might be with hidden cues
• 121:30 - 122:00 in your vocal power we make it as practical as even analyzing your voicemail i talk about how to leave a great voicemail i talk about how to sound more likable i talk about how to sound more powerful we used some great examples i found an incredible example for margaret thatcher a former prime minister of the uk margaret thatcher used to make vocal notes to herself in the margins of her speeches and i break down the actual notes that she wrote to herself when she was delivering speeches they are fascinating
• 122:00 - 122:30 after our vocal section we talk about the verbal cues i break down what are the hidden cues in your emails and your profiles and your resumes i give you really concrete examples and i also give you some swipe files some scripts that you can use that you can immediately put into your emails to make them more powerful or more trustworthy based on what you're going for and how you can do a little email audit so in this section i walk you through how you can audit your own emails to see how you're coming across to others if you specifically are doing a lot of email or a lot of um
• 122:30 - 123:00 verbal present presenting this section is incredibly important because it will help you get faster responses to your email it will help people want to reply to you more quickly and more thoroughly so the kind of verbal cues you use in that section are incredibly important for how you come across and lastly the fun section is all about our imagery why we wear certain colors you know there is a reason why uh hues is red and captivate was blue i talk about that why i wear more red now because those have
• 123:00 - 123:30 different uh psychological meanings for different people as well as the imagery that we have in our profile pictures and um our marketing materials and how we come across to others and the subtle signals that we send in how we come across and our brand assets that's my whole table of contents reveal there's so much juicy stuff in the book really my goal is for you to be more in control of your cues the more in control your cues are the better your communication the more deeply you can connect with people and i think the more
• 123:30 - 124:00 meaning we have in our relationships so i hope you'll check out the book cues wherever books are sold i also narrate the audible version if you want to hear my vocal power while i do the different voices in the book i would love it and i want to thank you so much for supporting my work supporting this channel i want to thank you if you're considering a buy this work means so much to me this book is 17 years in the making and i'm so honored and excited to bring it to you thanks
• 124:00 - 124:30 don't forget to check out all of these goodies [Music] [Music] all right we are here for the ask me anything went to the bathroom got some water this is scott hello everyone i've been off camera one giving her jackets and scarves and everything like that and i've been trying to do some of the transitions behind the scenes everything like that he's doing all those fancy
• 124:30 - 125:00 overlays and banners that you're seeing hopefully you're seeing some of those so it's time for ask anything which i never get to do so i'm super excited we have so many good questions um thank you so much by the way for participating in chat and you know giving kudos and sharing your answers it's super inspiring to me as a teacher and i love also getting to know you i feel like sometimes i write alone in my room and so being able to actually interact and chat with you and hear your feedback is so wonderful so we have a ton of questions yes we do before we even get into that let's talk about what's happened so far which has been amazing you've already been on for over
• 125:00 - 125:30 two hours now live for this launch party which is fantastic and i just have to put this up on screen because if you look on amazon number one in both it's audiobook uh kindle and hardcover in the one two three position which is pretty amazing friends oh my god it's amazing i don't think you can ask for a much better no thank you thank you thank you that is so cool and it's all the formats which i absolutely love my goodness thank you what a way to kick off ask me anything it is and we
• 125:30 - 126:00 also appreciate all of you for showing up today uh we've had hundreds and hundreds of people here live uh the whole time we have hundreds of questions so i can full disclaimer say we will not get to everyone's question unfortunately during the course of this ama i will try to answer fast and good fast and good fast and good it would take hours to get to the end okay but let's dive in okay let's do it yeah let's do it i'm ready i'm ready all right first question comes from gina could you de-myth or debunk the stigma associated with introverts and extroverts and talk a little bit about how cues might help the closet
• 126:00 - 126:30 introvert like oh yeah in group settings so gina so this was the um the question that i wanted to save for ask me anything gina submitted her profile pictures we voted on gina's picture she was the one with the blazer and then the arm on so yes so first of all i think that there's this huge myth that i want to debunk which is that to be charismatic you have to be an extrovert and that is simply not true yes it is true that extroverts can be charismatic right there is a flavor of charisma that's the bubbly extrovert the the the life of the party but what i want people to understand is there's
• 126:30 - 127:00 different flavors that we each have our own flavor so yes there's a bubbly extrovert charismatic person but there's also the quiet contemplative powerful introvert there's also the ambitious compassionate healer there's also the empathetic nurturer there's a lot of different flavors of charisma and all of those are good and that was i think the problem is a lot of people skills soft skills help that i got in the first part of my life was written by extroverts and soft skills written by extroverts they just
• 127:00 - 127:30 basically tell you to pretend to be an extrovert and i do not believe in fake it till you make it so this is not about being the most extroverted version of yourself no it's about being the warmest most competent version of yourself and that is very different than extroversion so i'm yes i love that question that's why i wanted i saved it for the very kickoff of this ama which is no you do not have to be extroverted in fact i love my introverts i have call outs if you're an introvert i have call outs for you where i'm like introverts this is your introvert tip
• 127:30 - 128:00 this is your intro one so i actually have callouts for introverts specifically so you because you want to leverage different kinds of cues and extroverts there's different cues that are going to be more comfortable for you speaking of my mom just texted me to smile more so talking about advice for introverts apparently i need to smile on the camera so thanks mom i appreciate that for you it's really great we have a you guys smiling is good i gotta smile more it's fun it's good that makes me laugh so this doesn't ask me anything so it's not just gonna be
• 128:00 - 128:30 about body language yeah and education so this is a pretty good one so okay i know you have dedicated your business in social pages about communication and body language skills but do you have some other hobbies that we don't know about do i do anything else other than body language communication yes i do so um let's see what are my hobbies i mean gardening gardening so i i my i harvested my carrots two days ago it was very thrilling very thrilling uh i've cultivated those all summer all winter um i have a three and a half year
• 128:30 - 129:00 old daughter so i love being a mom and i love doing crafts with her and i love baking with her she's at the age now where like she can kind of make popsicles with me like we can sort of make cookies and muffins so we do a lot of that i'm a big walker i try to do a long walk every day i try to get 10 000 steps in i love walk and talks so i love like i call all my friends on walk and talks and brainstorm painting paint well i mean i'm not very good at painting no i'm not very good at it well compared to me really nice
• 129:00 - 129:30 sometimes painting and definitely reading i read everything i so i i mean i love nonfiction but like i love fiction books i love all kinds of books yeah all right you got to keep moving all right oh okay we'll never get to something something serious uh so this is a question we get uh constantly i would say right now especially since code has started so what about cues in virtual interactions in video calls and meetings things like that uh how can you just rely on voice intonation or what other cues can you use oh my goodness so um interestingly so i just some kind of
• 129:30 - 130:00 behind the scenes is i've been researching this book for 17 years but i signed this book deal in may of 2020 may june of 2020. so as i was writing i was extremely aware that more and more of our communication is happening virtually phone chat slack emails video calls and so thank goodness for that because if i had written it even a year earlier i think it would have been a different book and so almost every single cue i tie in how
• 130:00 - 130:30 that works in a virtual setting so um and even the research you did with paul zach oh yes was done over vehicles so as an oxytocin experiment that you actually put um right you measured people's physical oxygen response to cues warmth cues over meetings yeah so one of the cues i i wasn't sure how to tie it in i was like what are we going to do with touch right like how are we going to replace handshakes and high fives i have a whole section in the book on touch and i thought well how is this going to work
• 130:30 - 131:00 if we're virtual and so dr paul zach the chief he does runs immersion labs he's our chief oxytocin researcher and also a good friend of mine we did an experiment where we measured how can we create engagement how can we replace touch in virtual settings and so i actually share that research in the book of exactly how what do we do with touch on a on a video call or even a phone call and there is a way to do it so um it was i was extremely aware of it while writing the book because i think that that's actually the sweet spot is i think that we are even more at a loss what to do with our cues when it comes to virtual
• 131:00 - 131:30 and so the more we can dial up those the even the more charismatic we are yeah great question all right this is a common one we get as well matt is asking are there cues people commonly use when lying okay so a couple years back so i'm fascinated with lie detection research and um what we did a couple of years ago is we had people submit lied to me videos to us we had hundreds of people send in videos of themselves lying and actually we use a specific set of three questions and these are in chapter six of the book i
• 131:30 - 132:00 think everyone i think everyone should know they're lying tells i think that is an important social skill to know about yourself is you should know what you do when you lie nonverbally vocally and verbally you should know what your body and face and voice do so in the book i'm not going to share it now because i don't want to give it away because it's very important that you do it um right on the spot actually tell you in the book stop reading stop reading to do this experiment because the way that you diagnose your lying tells is by um sharing a specific set of lies on camera
• 132:00 - 132:30 and then diagnosing them so we had people do that experiment with us submit their videos and my team and i coded the videos looking for specific lying red flags and that is what i talk about in the danger zone chapter of what do liars typically do i'll give you i'll give you one just because i love it i talk about it also in the introduction of the book and by the way um if you buy the book and you can read the introduction and chapter one before the master class it will give you a huge advantage because in the master class i'm not going to give away any spoilers but we're going to dive into a lot of the
• 132:30 - 133:00 research that underlies the books if you can read the intro on chapter one before the master class that will really help but here's one uh from the from the danger zone which is liars often use the question inflection the question of selection is when we go up at the end of our sentence so if you play two truths and a lie with someone it's a really fun game listen for the question flexion so oftentimes the liars will ask the lie statement so they'll say um i'm from los angeles i love dogs and i'm a vegetarian that last one my last question i love dogs i'm from los angeles but i i'm not
• 133:00 - 133:30 a vegetarian so um this is uh that question reflection is one example of a danger zone queue uh that when it's misplaced it can often indicate lies yeah great all right let's keep it going uh next one is do smart people have different cues this is one we haven't heard before are smart people more stoic and therefore harder to read because they use less cues okay so what's really interesting is that smart people often make the mistake of trying to mute their cues so smart people have this problem and
• 133:30 - 134:00 this is a a real problem is that smart people have such good ideas and such good book smarts that they rely on their smart so they think well my ideas are so good my smarts are so um intelligent i don't need to worry about my delivery and so what often happens is smart people think oh my cues don't matter as much as my ideas so i'm going to under signal or i'm going to talk about my idea verbally and i don't know exactly what to do with my cues so i'm just going to do no cues at all and actually under signaling isn't it it is in itself a negative cue
• 134:00 - 134:30 so think about poker players if i talk about poker research in the book if you're interested in um poker research poker players often go mute like they try to under signal they hide their cues but going mute is a cue in itself right so when we see someone go suddenly mute we're like wait a minute what are they hiding so this is the problem that smart people run into they have a really good idea they think this idea is so good i don't need to worry about delivery they deliver the idea without having enough cues then people
• 134:30 - 135:00 think i don't know they're hiding something and they don't believe the idea and so it's this vicious loop and so under signaling or being stoic is um a cue in itself and it's going to help it's going to make it hard for people to trust you and see you as competent in fact dr susan fisk which is research i feature in the book dr susan fisk found that competence high competence without warmth leads people feeling suspicious so really smart people who show up with really smart brilliant ideas if they don't have those warmth cues
• 135:00 - 135:30 people don't believe their ideas there's sometimes a common meme in business even like show as little emotion as possible hold your cards close to your chest yes you're saying that actually breeds distrust that is why you have these business leaders who go i i i can't read him or he's cold or he's intimidating or he's hard to talk to or she doesn't open up at all that's because of this of this oh i'm gonna hide my cards well actually hiding your cards makes you look like you're hiding bad cards right right and that's that's the key i want to try to to bust that one no going mute no going
• 135:30 - 136:00 to be purposeful so that leads us into our next question from dylan which is what is the biggest communication effectiveness killer is it bad to put your hand on your face i find myself myself doing it when i'm contemplative not necessarily when i'm trying to hide something okay the biggest communication killer the biggest that's like asking someone to pick a a a least favorite pet peeve that's a hard one okay so first of all let me address so um in the cbs clip if you want to watch that we'll play we'll put the replay in the chat um actually tony asked this
• 136:00 - 136:30 question he asked if i put my hand on my face like this is it so this is actually a contemplative gesture right like we know this is sort of a thinking gesture like we're contemplating touching your face like covering your mouth touching your nose scratching at your eyes those are actually blocking gestures so the way that you touch your face does matter those remember those micro cues have have big differences like there's a big difference if i were to be like this okay i'm contemplating how it'll be like this it's totally different right so the way you touch your base but i wouldn't say that's the biggest one i actually think
• 136:30 - 137:00 i think the biggest one is actually contempt i think that contempt that one-sided yep great idea that one-sided mouth raises a killer because i see it so often because people think it means ambivalence or boredom and so that contempt it really gets under our skin it's it's the seat of resentment so i would say contempt is the biggest one it's the one i most often see please check your profile pictures make sure you're not accidentally showing that contempt and there are a lot of people who think that it's more the smirk is like almost a
• 137:00 - 137:30 half smile right but it's the opposite right it's it's actually it's it's the negative of this yes exactly it's remember our brains like symmetry it's a very weird thing about about body language but we like symmetrical faces they're more attractive same thing in expression so we like symmetrical faces so a smile on both sides or if someone's even afraid we want to see that they're afraid on both sides if someone has a one-sided raise i can't even really do i i can't even do it ask me anything it's like me trying to do cues in the spot um asymmetry we
• 137:30 - 138:00 don't like as much that's the bottom line all right we have a kind of human lie detector question here so sophie asks have you ever people watched and then predicted what would happen yeah i think you know the answer to this question so i love the game we play i game we play all the time one of the reasons why i want you to buy two copies is simply to see you can play with your best friends and your partner so we play at restaurants all the time who's on a good date who's on a bad date are they gonna get dessert are they not going to get dessert we love to play that game i also am a big fan of reality television shows
• 138:00 - 138:30 where there's voting off or voting in so um i talk about um in the book the show married at first uh married at first sight no no no love is blind love is blind right at first sight i almost put in the book but i didn't end up fitting it in um so love is blind to the netflix show and i talk about um some of the cues in that show i love voting which couples are going to stay together and the bachelor is one of my favorites because you can often see these cues being leaked uh with the different contestants you know who's gonna make it and who's not so so i would say i have a pretty high hit rate yes for sure pretty high hit rate so i love a bachelor
• 138:30 - 139:00 fantasy league why not oh i just want to answer this question really quickly from chat by the way i love thank you for keeping posting in chat someone asked um are there cultural differences in queues that can be misinterpreted this is a really important one so there are definitely cultural differences in queues when i was writing cues because it got picked up internationally very early i tried to only stick to universal cues so a lot of cues that have biological reasons or biological uh manifestations like for example you know um when we're afraid we take in more when we have the lower lid flex we're trying
• 139:00 - 139:30 to see more those are all the ways that our eyes are shaped and so that's that is a universal response i make notes for cultural differences so there's a couple like the space ranges are a little bit different culturally the amount of hand gestures can be different culturally the amount of eye contact a lot of the cues you'll notice that the q is the same but the amount of how much you use it could be different so we love hand gestures they help us understand and explain things but the amount of hand gestures in italy is much higher than
• 139:30 - 140:00 say amount of hand gestures in japan so the amount of those gestures might be different so you'll notice in the book that'll have little footnotes for differences annotting is another one that's a little bit different so um in many western cultures the up and down nod is yes in india and bulgaria i believe i make note of the other cultures um a nod has different meanings so i make suggestions or tiny notes if there are cultural differences i actually want to pull out this question from the chat here i think it's so good and give people in the chat an
• 140:00 - 140:30 opportunity to respond i haven't had chat involved in a little while since okay yes and i like it which is being well prepared is it better to be well prepared or is it being authentic more important and and which ones can we try and prioritize so i want to hear what chat has to think as well and then give you time to get some answers okay yes so i actually think there's an order here i don't think one is better than the other i think the order of this is key and actually that's the question the five questions that i taught in the in the lecture those five questions were in a specific order which is i think it's
• 140:30 - 141:00 important to be authentic which is allows you to be well prepared so the wrong way is that if you just prepare for uh i'm gonna show a steeple and then i'm gonna do a head tilt and then i'm gonna lean in and put my hand under my chin if that doesn't feel authentic to you can be the most prepared but it's going to feel odd to you in the moment so it's going to be much harder to do it's also going to probably come across as a little bit robotic what i'd much rather have you do is the very first thing the very first thing i do in the very first chapter which is why i want you if to read the first chapter before
• 141:00 - 141:30 we do master class next week we're going to be talking about this a lot this question is what we're talking about a lot in master class next week which is i want you to know your charisma flavor there is if you think about charisma like a recipe so if there's 96 cues we make recipes with those cues so we might in a negotiation have a dash of head tilt a dash of steeple a cup of um expansive posing a cup of inflection changes a cup of volume dynamism we mix these cues up i want you to know where
• 141:30 - 142:00 you naturally are first so where you naturally are first is going to tell us how you should prepare so if you are naturally very extroverted very warm i might have you prepare to dial up competence if you are naturally very competent maybe come across as cold or stoic i might have you prepared differently so that i think it's an order issue i want you to get authentic first and then we can know what to prepare yeah that's not next week when we talk about that a lot uh next one from victoria do people
• 142:00 - 142:30 generally show contempt on the same vita side of their face i think yes so i i don't know the research on this this is uh dr paul ekman's research on microexpressions anecdotally i think yes i've noticed that people tend to do one the only reason that is try to make contempt right now i only ever do this side this side is weird this side i feel like i'm like popeye i can really i can only do really one-sided like being left or right-handed maybe i think it is i wonder if it's the same hand as you're dominating no no because this is left and i'm righty okay left right i'm very
• 142:30 - 143:00 bad at left and right very bad at left and right shockingly bad at left and right so um i think yes you will tend to default to one side of their face i think and just try it at home and see if you can do one side better than the other it's tough so weird yeah a question from dana i'm a highly agreeable person i have a feeling that being agreeable and assertive don't always go together how can i send cues of assertiveness okay so you need to specifically think
• 143:00 - 143:30 about chapter five okay so chapter five we're going to talk about that leadership body language that assertiveness so if you are naturally agreeable i want you to pick specific assertive cues that feel authentic to you so a couple examples that are from this chapter is um using more downward inflection actually that's a vocal a vocal cue so um if you're highly agreeable highly google people tend to default to the question flexion because they always want to know do you like this do you agree with this so they might give directives like this in a meeting um today we're going to get started soon
• 143:30 - 144:00 if everyone's ready and then i'll take some questions and what they're doing is because they're agreeable they want to make sure are everyone good we're all on the same page and so they end up using the question reflection by default so i want you to think about where are you giving away your assertiveness is that through either low competence cues is that through too many warmth cues we have to figure out where you are authentically first so you know where you dial so one is i'm just guessing is making sure you're not accidentally using the question flexion make sure you're using the downward inflections so
• 144:00 - 144:30 uh we're gonna get started in a few i'll be taking your questions and then we'll review everything together very different than that question flexion one right uh one's assertive and one's uh uh asking too much right it actually puts you into that danger zone um so yeah we talk about those i want to think about where you can specifically cherry pick your assertive cues i love that though i can't wait to hear which ones you pick yeah all right artemis asks you gave some really good advice on how to stop being interrupted but how can i stop myself from interrupting others i'm
• 144:30 - 145:00 terrible at it and as soon as i do it i realize i've cut someone off before they finished and i feel so embarrassed okay well first of all it's so funny you're aware of it at least i love that you're aware of it so i also have some trouble with interrupting as well but i've found a way to fix it which i'm going to share in a second but a kind of little funny thing is so i have a a small bonus section in the book on um how to get people to stop interrupting you so how to politely have people stop interrupting you especially if you have um people who drone on and on and on and on
• 145:00 - 145:30 what you can do to prevent them from talking forever so i have specific cues the fish the bookmark and the anchor touch that you can learn in the book the opposite for you if you are a talker is the power pause and the power pause is a high competence cue the power pause is something that if you are an over talker if you talk too much and you tend to interrupt a power pass is a way for you to self-check and so i have loved integrating the power paws into my speech the power pause is actually a
• 145:30 - 146:00 middle sentence pause so weird one so most people pause at the end of their sentence so they finish a thought they wrap it up and they pause and they can do their story that's great and that's probably how you can keep talking what i actually want you to think about is in the middle of your sentence i want you to use a power pause which creates anticipation and excitement so if i were to say i want to share with you the most important cues i've learned and what's important about them right so it creates a little anticipation the
• 146:00 - 146:30 reason why i like that is it's going to slow you down so it's going to slow you down it's going to make you think where is the anticipation here where's my hook that's the most important point it's your hook not where you keep going and so if you think about okay where am i going to pause it's going to create the most excitement it's probably going to be right before i share my big idea right so i want you to think about anticipation as opposed to just slowing yourself down that's going to help you integrate when you can stop yourself it's doable it's totally doable i'm so proud of you that you already recognized it i love it we have a similar question in
• 146:30 - 147:00 our uh cube but we also have the same one coming from chat from someone i happen to know uh so my dad is also watching today and so i'm pulling that question because it's the similar so often we need to provide multiple cues very quickly do you have any suggestions on how to prioritize yes what are the most important cues to start with and we have the flip side of that question which is i'm easily overwhelmed by the amount of physical cues that people transmit to me joan asked this yes which is great okay so i do believe in
• 147:00 - 147:30 starting with low-hanging fruit so that means we are starting q by q and i like and this is a uh the way that i want you to approach this book is it's q by q this is like you learning a foreign language i do believe that cues is a hidden language we all speak right we get on a video call we hop on a phone call and we're quickly trying to send these social signals back and forth that's a hidden language i thought okay how can i write this book like learning a foreign language what do you do with a foreign language you start vocab word by vocab word right it's the same thing with cues i want you to learn q by q so i want you to start with exactly how i
• 147:30 - 148:00 do it in the book the cues that are the most powerful the low hanging fruit cues slow hanging fruit cues there's five of my favorite cues that i think everyone should use they're highly charismatic start with those those five cues are where i want you to start in fact that's just maybe one at a time and that's when you begin to rely on muscle memory so the way that i personally like to do is i like to do one cue a day right so that's how i started trying them on and you're trying them on right there are some cues of the 96 you're gonna love you're going to be like oh i love this cue it makes me feel
• 148:00 - 148:30 so good maybe it's a steeple there's just some cues we were like i know for me a steeple helps me like think yeah you do it a lot you and you said you can't steal so like it's it's that one's i use that one very selectively like i don't typically rest like this you rest like that right that's a cute he loves that's a cue i only use very very specifically and there's gonna be some cues you don't really like great great i don't want you doing cues you don't like that's like wearing an outfit that doesn't fit you i don't want that so actually you'll probably of the 96 you'll probably end up adopting around
• 148:30 - 149:00 50 or 60 if you're 60 cues you can just add to your toolbox and i want you to do one at a time until you hit muscle memory so as you use hq you'll be like oh yeah i like this and the more you use it the more we muscle memory this is kind of the same thing for like if i'm overwhelmed by cues even decoding use one at a time be like okay today i'm looking for the smirk i'm looking for the smirk today or today i'm looking for the lower lid flex or today i'm listening for volume dynamism so that's in the in the vocal in the vocal chapter so i think that's also a way that you
• 149:00 - 149:30 can learn to decode by slowly training your brain slow slow yes oh um quick question diane said can the staple be interlaced fingers it's a good question so this is relaxed and as long as you can see the palms i would still consider it a steeple the reason why the steeple is so powerful is because your hands are relaxed and your palms are visual visible you're not hiding anything so this i think is a is i would still consider the steeple family right by the way it's like a church steeple right like that's how that's what it's called after so this this this what is not a
• 149:30 - 150:00 steeple is this look at the difference right so if i were to be in a meeting like this versus like this right one is tight and clenched and closed and the other is nice and relaxed and listening so even that small difference so yes as long as your palms are showing i i think that's a high competence cue when we're ringing when we're clenching that is more of a danger zone cue all right next question from paul which is what is the most important relationship habit to teach or to model for children oh
• 150:00 - 150:30 the most important the most important relationship habit doesn't have to be a cue it's a relationship habit um this is very personal to me because what we talked about with our daughter all the time i think the most important skill we can give our children is to be confident in their liking what i mean by this i think we always talk about we want our kids to be confident you know we want them to have good self-esteem what does that mean that means i think that they are willing to say i like you
• 150:30 - 151:00 will you be my friend will you play with me will you sit with me can i sit next to you can i go to lunch with you that is of that being the first liker is a great skill because it takes a lot of confidence and also knowledge of self right if you have a child who's like who do you like to be with by the way it would be incredible to ask your children what do you want more of in your life what do you want less of in your life if you're like who do you want more of
• 151:00 - 151:30 in your life who do you want to spend more time with great those are people who they should be first like her invite them to sit with you ask them if you can sit with them on the bus invite them over for a playdate tell them that you like hanging out with them that is a beautiful skill of social assertiveness and it's like it's it's such a it's a great way to it's a it's a great way to um show confidence and also be um a giver right if you're saying liking you're also helping it belonging also same question is what do you want less of right who do you not want to spend time
• 151:30 - 152:00 with that's also a skill of social assertiveness of saying no thank you i'm good not right now right i also want to address i saw this question too i don't know if we have it in there which is um i just saw it a couple times does your research take into consideration neurodivergence and how that might affect things such a good question so we have so many students who are um who are neurodivergent who have um either autism or high functioning asperger's we have so many amazing students in people's school and what i've heard from them so i haven't read
• 152:00 - 152:30 specific research except for i know that for neurodivergence eye contact is a little bit different so the default eye contact is a little bit different so purposeful eye contact is even more important i know that i read that in the research but what feedback i've heard from our students is that it's especially important to try to learn communication skills like their hard skills so um so not just general concepts very specific formulas very specific blueprints so um what i really
• 152:30 - 153:00 try for for all of our neurodivergent readers our neurodiversion students you were front of mind for me when i wrote this book because i'm trying to be as clear as i possibly can like even down to the degree of something right so for one example in the book some of my neurodivergent students have told me that smiling is not um as easy for them i don't know if that's actually in the research too but that was just anecdotally what they had told me and so i thought to myself okay let's break down a smile then so first a genuine
• 153:00 - 153:30 authentic smile reaches all the way up into these crow's feet right so it's not just on the bottom half of the face and second i found research that timed smiles that looked at the amount of seconds it takes to create what i call a saver smile so we love saver smiles this is a cue that's in the book where when i s a slow smile comes across our face i believe it was one point two seconds i i believe i believe that's right i i don't quote me on that but they timed
• 153:30 - 154:00 how long those seconds take and so i specifically included those details because what i've been told is the more specific and formulaic i can be that is the way that's most helpful to teach so i tried to include as many details as i possibly could i hope you like it and i would love to hear your feedback if there's even more research that we can do i think that we're gonna there people are doing more and more research in this area and so um i i want to help as much as i can and there's one of the reasons we did the companion app for queues and then also we've gotten a lot of interest in the upcoming facial expression course that
• 154:00 - 154:30 we're coming out with because it turns it into much more of a flash card type scenario where you know it's words in the book but with pictures you know original pictures you can actually see what the expression is very clearly and what the definition is and you can test yourself and you can read the concepts by the way also for the audible folks so for folks who are listening to the book it's kind of nice to have the app to be like if i'm and by the way i was very careful in the book that if there was anything visual to see i explained it for all my audio folks but if you were like what is what does that look like you could also open the app to
• 154:30 - 155:00 just see oh that's what she means by fronting oh that's what she means by you know what's another fancy thing i don't even know but i we show some of those cues eyelid rays exactly so um i that's another reason so yes yes yes yes thank you for that question okay let's keep it going um my question is if you will be doing a book tour which is at the start right and where can i find a list of your upcoming speaking engagements i found you via impact theory and would love to hear and talk personally theory fabulous
• 155:00 - 155:30 so yes so uh book tour started in l.a so we just got back from la a couple weeks ago um new york now so signings are so hard right now as i'm sure you can imagine but yes i will be doing um signing at south by southwest so i'm speaking at south by southwest in two weeks in austin texas i'm gonna be doing some signings at the san diego women's event uh next friday and then any other signings that i i know will be we'll have more coming up i hope to do a lot more coming up we'll post those on our social media so if you follow me on
• 155:30 - 156:00 instagram or twitter or facebook i don't know i think i'm on all of them um we will always post book signings there oh and kelly asked what is the name of the app and how do we get it so as soon as you buy the book submit your receipt we'll send you a link to the app everything's gonna be delivered next week we have to wait until the end of this week to make sure you know all the people who are able to purchase during uh the initial launch week yes which by the way can do on amazon or any other book books are sold but we got to make sure everyone submits their receipts and then we're going to send it all out to people next week and that's also when the master classes and that's the link
• 156:00 - 156:30 so we're going to send all that so that's why we're like submit your receipt because we don't know that you bought it if you didn't send me receipts yes one other sales update i just found that so q's is now number 13 on all of amazon no for for books yeah it's the number 13. all books sorry new release number 13 all new releases amazon has several categories i know i like it i like it i like it oh and someone asked any plans for a children's course bella asked um it's kind of my dream especially now that i'm a mom and i'm watching you know
• 156:30 - 157:00 sienna grow up it would be amazing one day to create a non-profit side of the business where i gave away this content for kids so that's sort of in the back of my head always been a goal that maybe i could create a a a people skills course for for young people khan academy social media khan academy social skills that would be a dream so that that is very much on my mind especially as i watch my daughter grow so i hope so i hope so i love it
• 157:00 - 157:30 uh and asks a question for you yes i would love to know how to become more eloquent when talking to people and not to put my foot in my mouth i often find that i blurt out too much information and that makes the situation awkward okay so that's how your awkwardness dresses up so that's very good to know so i want you what i want you to do is um one is i love the power pause the tip i talked about earlier second is um practicing speaking more slowly so a lot of the time eloquence and rate of speech go hand in hand there's a study i talk about in the book
• 157:30 - 158:00 and i'm not going to get it right but it actually analyzed rate of speech and eloquence in other words how much information you get out and what they basically found is speaking faster is a guaranteed way to reduce your eloquence so the fastest way to reduce your eloquence is actually to speak more slowly i'm a fast talker so i have to work at this so i would actually try um there's apps that will help you measure your rate of speech i would practice using those apps like off to the side so
• 158:00 - 158:30 let's say that you're on a video call you can actually open up the app and it will measure your rate of speech and you can kind of keep it up you know you can kind of keep it up to the side you can see oh i'm speaking too fast i'm going to add a couple pauses i'm going to add a little bit of slowness when i speak i'm going to add more thoughtfulness so you can actually watch your speed rate at a speech rate as you're speaking so i would try that and also i would try to look for more nonverbal warmth so as you're speaking you know that you're hitting people right you know that people are getting
• 158:30 - 159:00 you when you're seeing nods when you're seeing head tilts when you're seeing eyebrow raises when you're seeing leans so you are being eloquent that's the immediate way you can get feedback if you're seeing nonverbal warmth you're doing great if you're not seeing non-verbal warmth you're not seeing any nods or leans or eyebrow raises it might be time to take a pause all right let's keep moving on sophie here so is it harder or easier to make friends now that you're able to see their true thoughts about you so another lie detector kind of question you know
• 159:00 - 159:30 i think it excuses a blessing and a curse in the sense of once you s know these cues you see them everywhere you see them on your friends faces on your colleagues faces you can't not see them it definitely makes watching tv being with friends more interesting i decided very early on in this work that i would always rather live in hard truth and ignorant bliss i'd always rather know and so all of my friends are very aware that i am a cue reader and i share all my cues with them
• 159:30 - 160:00 so i want them to be reading me just like i'm reading them so i would say it's made it better i think i've made more high quality relationships when we're able to have this shared language of are you okay you know can i can i do anything where i know that i'm reading cues of sadness or anger and i can immediately address it as opposed to having more surface relationship i think it's helped me break through those those surface level relationships where i can get to the heart of it where i feel like we truly
• 160:00 - 160:30 we truly connect and we truly trust each other and that's i think that we do that with with cues i have some of my oldest friends actually in chat right now shout out to lacey lacy kirkland and i've been friends with for 15 years she was at our wedding she's actually been helping with the q's book launch um almost everything that you're seeing is actually with laci kirkland our team carolyn and lauren and rob and scott i want to thank you guys so much because so much of what you're seeing i wrote the book but all the marketing
• 160:30 - 161:00 all the lift getting your bonuses that is my team so i just want to thank them so much um and and lacy's one of my oldest friends so uh she'll tell you all about reading cues we have the best conversations oh lacey's in chat yes uh oh diane said lacy the photographer actually lacey is maggie kirkland's partner and maggie is also my photographer videographer so i my friends have been with me for a long time and they help me with my cues yeah i just want to post this question up so we can cover this again because yeah a while since we talked about it so if you
• 161:00 - 161:30 order queues during launch week which is from now until the midnight on friday like the end of friday yeah yeah you qualify for these launch week bonuses so what you do is you take that receipt if you buy it at a store you take that email if you get it at amazon or wherever you buy it you go to sciencepeople.com i'm demoing and you scroll down a little bit and you'll see a little section on the website right there that says submit your receipt here you put in your name your email address and you upload that receipt and that will make sure that next week we get to email you all the bonuses that you qualify for whether
• 161:30 - 162:00 it's one copy two copy ten copies whatever uh so just wanna make sure we call that out for folks because i know a lot of you have already pre-ordered which thank you very much thank you uh as we saw earlier it's number one two and three on amazon new releases right crazy and then i cried into my scarf so that was a good little break from my for my class and today i want to thank you so much for being with me i will continue to publish free content that is helpful i will keep trying to grow your skills if you want me to help you with any topic you can always submit support at sciencepeople.com i have a list of
• 162:00 - 162:30 videos i have to make of questions i want to answer a blog post i want to write my team helps me with those that is how i get ideas for content is purely trying to help you so in that growth list that skill list if there is something i can help you with please please share it with me that is my entire goal and i will i make a commitment to constantly post free content every single week to make sure that i'm trying to put out as many good vibes and good learning as i possibly can so we're coming up on three hours now on the air uh everyone's got to go
• 162:30 - 163:00 right we're getting a little bit tired now at this point so uh would you maybe leave folks with what's the preview of the master class for next week so if you order cues oh just one copy this week you'll be invited to the master class next week which is on march 10th yes right and if you can't make it it'll be recorded we'll send it to you again and you can also pre-submit like questions and profiles and all that kind of stuff so master class i'm going to be not only talking about some of the behind the scenes of the book some fun stuff i'll be playing some games games but i'm also going to be doing some video demos of cues to begin to activate those skills
• 163:00 - 163:30 so we had some questions on like how do i learn these how do i make sure i'm activating them we're going to start activating together so i'm going to be showing some demos that are going to literally be turning on the cue part of your brain and there is a specific part of our brain that we use to read cues they've even identified a specific part of our brain the fusiform face area that's used to read faces next week i'm i'm turning on those keys it's going to be a mental workout like i want to like like bicep curl some of those cues so we're going to be activating your cues together i'm going to be answering more of your questions i'm going to be giving
• 163:30 - 164:00 you some prompts as you read we're going to be doing some video demos i'm going to give you some behind the scenes um and i'm just gonna also just try to support you in your goals i want to hear what your goals are as you read so um i want to get to know you a little bit more and just encourage you on your growth journey so it's gonna be it's gonna be good give me a really class next week and thanks for all you folks who tuned in either on cbs this morning you watch live on there thanks for coming to the live launch say thank you in the chat you know to yourselves for coming yourself on the back
• 164:00 - 164:30 high five there we go all right everyone we so appreciate you i cannot wait to see you next week in masterclass more good stuff coming some surprises too all right