The Advice I Wish I Knew in My 20s About Love // JAY SHETTY ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS ABOUT LOVE

Summary

In this enlightening talk, Jay Shetty shares invaluable insights about love and relationships, drawing from his own experiences and profound wisdom. He tackles common questions and concerns many face in their 20s, such as knowing when to move on from heartbreak, the importance of not rushing into connections, and the significance of understanding each other's love languages. Shetty emphasizes the value of patience, self-awareness, and meaningful communication in fostering healthy and genuine relationships. His candid advice encourages viewers to stay true to themselves, understand their needs, and seek partners who resonate with their authentic selves.

Highlights

• Jay Shetty advises that rushing connections in love can lead to settling for less. 🐢💖
• He stresses the importance of understanding how one's partner shows love. 💞🤔
• Jay believes asking what someone needs when they're sad is crucial to support them best. ❤️‍🩹
• He shares that letting go of past heartbreak happens naturally as we create new memories. 🌱🌄

Key Takeaways

• Being patient in love is crucial; it's a marathon, not a sprint. 🏃‍♂️💕
• Understanding how you and your partner show love can prevent misunderstandings. 💌😊
• It's essential to know what both you and your partner need when sad or upset. 😥💬

Overview

Jay Shetty opens up about the invaluable advice he'd give his younger self about love, such as taking things slow and observing how potential partners show their affection. Such insights offer us a refreshing perspective on understanding and receiving love, reminding us that love is a journey, not a destination. 💑📚

During the talk, Jay highlights the importance of knowing what your partner needs during tough times. He points out that assumptions can lead to miscommunication, and directly asking is the key to supporting each other better. This approach fosters deep, meaningful connections. 💬💞

On the topic of heartbreak, Jay shares a profound story about a friend's journey post-divorce, illustrating how trying too hard to move on can backfire. By embracing the emotions and stepping forward naturally, moving on becomes less forced and more organic. 🌿🧠

Chapters

• 00:00 - 00:30: Introduction and Welcome The chapter 'Introduction and Welcome' is about understanding how people show love and understanding compatibility in romantic relationships. The speaker emphasizes the importance of recognizing if you can accept love in the way it is shown by another person. The chapter concludes with welcoming applause for Jay Shetty, expressing gratitude for his presence at the event titled 'the dating reset.'
• 00:30 - 01:00: Questions from the Audience Introduction The chapter begins with an audience interaction, where the speaker acknowledges that many questions have been submitted by the attendees. The team has collected these questions, focusing on the most frequently asked ones. Lauren, a team member, is introduced to assist by reading out names of people who will ask their questions directly. The interaction is set to be engaging as Lauren facilitates the process, encouraging audience participation. The atmosphere is appreciative and participatory, as indicated by the applause for Lauren as she takes on the role.
• 01:00 - 02:00: Libby: Advice for 20-year-olds about Love The chapter opens with a conversation where someone is looking for Libby, and Libby responds with enthusiasm. Jay, the other person in the conversation, greets Libby fondly.
• 02:00 - 04:30: Michelle: Distinguishing Standards and Settling The chapter explores the notion that love and connection shouldn't be rushed, akin to a marathon rather than a sprint. It emphasizes the importance of observing consistent actions over hasty decisions, encouraging patience for the ideal outcome rather than settling for less. The narrative suggests that the most rewarding experiences are worth the wait and are often the ones saved for last.
• 04:30 - 07:00: Alinka: Important Questions to Ask Early in Dating The chapter discusses the perspective that every past relationship and interaction is a form of preparation for finding the right partner. Instead of considering these experiences as a waste of time or energy, the speaker suggests viewing them as essential steps in personal growth and preparation for meeting the person one is meant to be with.
• 07:00 - 09:00: Eel Booker: Building Deeper Connections in Modern Dating In this chapter, Eel Booker explores the idea of building meaningful connections in modern dating. The discussion revolves around the balance between accepting someone for who they are and ensuring you are not just settling for mediocrity. Booker brings up the importance of standards and the need to give others a fair chance if one's standards seem too high. The conversation is rooted in personal development and self-awareness, as reflected in Booker's dialogue and experiences.
• 09:00 - 12:00: Janet: Healing from Heartbreak The chapter delves into the concept of high standards in relationships, particularly in the context of healing from a breakup. It discusses how setting excessively high standards can prevent meaningful connections, as these standards may serve more as barriers than benchmarks. The narrative explores the idea that standards should not cause individuals to look down on others but should instead facilitate genuine engagements. The chapter encourages reflection on the difference between fearing settling and fearing connection.
• 12:00 - 13:00: Closing Remarks The chapter titled 'Closing Remarks' emphasizes the importance of understanding how people express love and urges the reader to reflect on their own needs in receiving love. It advises asking others how they show love to determine if their ways align with one's own ability to accept and feel love. Settling for mediocrity in relationships is discouraged, and readers are encouraged to seek genuine connections where love can be mutually understood and appreciated.

The Advice I Wish I Knew in My 20s About Love // JAY SHETTY ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS ABOUT LOVE Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 you're going to figure out very quickly whether you like the way that person shows love and if they've told you how they show love and you can't receive or feel or accept love that way then they're just not the right person for you so please join me in giving a warm welcome to j [Applause] [Music] [Applause] shetty it means the world to me that you showed up thank you so much for being here for the dating reset thank you yeah
• 00:30 - 01:00 give yourselves a round of applause but i'm sure many of you have questions i'm sure many of you i know submitted questions as well and so the team kind of gathered their submitted questions they could hear repeatedly and so i'm going to invite lauren now who's actually going to read out some names of different people who've got questions and she's going to bring a mic over to you and so you can ask your question so i don't know who's it going to go to and uh over to you lauren give lauren a round of applause everyone thank you so
• 01:00 - 01:30 much all right so i'm looking for libby list libby are you here hi okay i love that i'm so enthusiastic hi jay hey libby how you doing good how are you i'm really good my question for you is regarding love what do you wish you could tell yourself in your 20s i'm still in my 20s i would say you're not behind you're not
• 01:30 - 02:00 slow you're not late don't try to rush connection it's not something that moves fast love's more like a marathon not a sprint and if i'm trying to run to get it right now i may settle for something less than i deserve it's not just about what people tell me it's about what they show me consistently not just once or twice and i'd say to myself to be patient because the best will definitely be saved for last that every experience
• 02:00 - 02:30 every moment every interaction i've been through was preparing me for the person that i was meant to be with and that i shouldn't see it as wasted time lost effort or wasted energy it was all part of the preparation so i hope that helps it was amazing thank you thank you for your question thanks so much all right jeremy ward i'm looking for michelle sedrina pledger michelle i feel
• 02:30 - 03:00 like we spent a lot of time together today yes you're on my vision board so god is just manifesting my vision board is being interviewed on your podcast but we'll start with the dating thing first um so j shetty i would like to know how would you distinguish accepting someone for who they are which you talk about in podcast books from settling for mediocrity to me this makes me think about standards i think you know if your standards are too high if you don't give someone a second
• 03:00 - 03:30 chance because they didn't make a good first impression i think you know that your standards are too high if you're trying to fear settling but then actually it makes you fear connection i think your standards are too high if your standards are not setting the bar but they're building walls and i think a lot of us our standards are too high if it's making us look down on others your standards are not meant to make you
• 03:30 - 04:00 tower over others they're meant to ground you in what's really important to you and so when you're deciding on whether you're settling for mediocrity or whether you're accepting someone for who they are i think you know if you're settling when you've asked that person how they show love and if they've told you how they show love and you can't receive or feel or accept love that way then they're just not the right person for you so ask them "how do you show love?" and if what
• 04:00 - 04:30 they say you feel it you experience it you believe it then it doesn't matter they may show it in a different way than what you expected but if you don't feel it you don't believe it it doesn't connect and resonate with you then it doesn't really matter whether you're settling or whether you're meeting expectations they're just not the right person so i hope that helps does thank you yeah and i look forward to you coming on my podcast one day all right alinka casipos um jay my question for you is what's one thing people often overlook but should
• 04:30 - 05:00 absolutely ask early in dating oh yeah so one of them is definitely how do you show love what i was just saying to michelle is one of the most important questions because you're going to figure out very quickly whether you like the way that person shows love whether you notice it i've i've met so many people who are like i love her i don't get why she doesn't get it like i don't get it like how does she not know i love her i always show up i always turn up i'm always there when she needs me but then that person never asked you how you show
• 05:00 - 05:30 love and you never ask them and so that person's loving you in a way that you don't see it or you're loving them in a way they don't feel it and so how do you show love is one of my favorite questions and the second question is what do you need when you're sad because usually when someone's sad or having a bad day or having a rough time we go into fix it mode and we do all these things we'll mold ourselves we'll cancel plans we'll change our schedule we're like look i showed up for you and that
• 05:30 - 06:00 person's like i just needed a hug i just needed space and i think we don't know what people need when they're sad and so we give them what we think they need and that either pushes them away or makes us feel resentment because we molded ourselves and changed ourselves and so figuring out very early on what do you need when you're sad don't make me guess i don't want to guess and i don't want you to guess i want to tell you as well i'm not going to play games i'm not going to hope that you overd deliver and
• 06:00 - 06:30 overpromise and overgive i'm not going to play that game with you just tell me just tell me how to be with you when you're sad and you're having a rough day cuz we're going to have many of those it took me a long time to learn that with with my wife i probably didn't ask that question i probably never asked that question i probably waited to figure it out and i'm definitely the fix it kind of person and wanting to solve every problem and she's just like i need space i don't want to talk to you for two days right like whatever it is it's just such
• 06:30 - 07:00 an interesting thing that as soon as you figure that out it just solves so many issues thank you that's really helpful thank you so much all right we're going to find eel booker my question for you is how do you find or build a deeper connection within a dating culture that is so filled with instant gratification mate where are you from london yeah where london um i grew up out by watford oh yeah that's where my wife's from yeah and st john's wood when did you move out here 5 years ago yeah nice i moved out
• 07:00 - 07:30 here 7 years ago nice yeah it's a nice change that's awesome man i've always believed that people are deeper than we think better than we think kinder than we believe and have more to offer than meets the eyes i genuinely believe that because i've been really fortunate in my life to get to know people clients people that i guide coach on a really deep level and no matter how funny amazing incredible they are on the surface there's there's a depth beneath everyone when we were planning this
• 07:30 - 08:00 event i was really intrigued and curious as to in a city that gets so much judgment for being shallow and a city that gets so much judgment for being surface level i was like where are we going to go and i think you and me can both agree as london boys there's connection here in this room right now there's people who've been vulnerable and had meaningful conversations already shared stuff that i found to be extremely profound and the reason i'm naming all those things is because i
• 08:00 - 08:30 think what you're doing is it's whether you put that energy out when i came to la i remember i lived in new york before i came to la and when i moved here everyone always said to me they were like "why are you going there it's like it's it's you're not going to fit in there like it's not going to be great." and i can honestly say i've been able to attract some incredible friends here amazing people that are born and raised here that are from in and around the area and the truth is because i think i'm very clear about who i am to me i'm not trying to be something else and what happens is you allow someone to reflect that back to you but i think when we
• 08:30 - 09:00 make ourselves smaller when we make ourselves less than when we make ourselves come down to another level then naturally that's all anyone can meet and so i think i want this event to make people feel confident i'm going to go out there and be the best version of myself be the deepest version be the funniest version too let me be who i am and let me find the person who matches me right i don't need to lower myself i don't need to shrink myself and i don't need to belittle myself and so i want
• 09:00 - 09:30 people to walk out there in the world and have confidence that you're going to meet that person and that the person you are doesn't have to be molded skewed and faked to find the real thing how can you be half yourself and find someone complete it's not possible and so this event tonight has given me so much confidence of that and that's because of everyone sitting right here so you know i hope that helps it does thank you yeah thank you man let's catch up afterwards so great uh last one where is janet hi jay i'm a big fan just going to say that
• 09:30 - 10:00 first thank you that's so sweet thank you so much um my question for you is how do you know when you've healed from heartbreak and are ready to move on to dating again i was talking to a friend at the end of last year and he went through a really tough breakup a divorce a few years ago he has children with this person as well and he said to me that for the last two three years all he's tried to do is get over his wife
• 10:00 - 10:30 he's been trying everything possible everything under the sun to get over his wife his ex-wife and to move on and he said to me "i just couldn't do it i just couldn't just kept thinking about the good times kept thinking about all my mistakes kept thinking about everything that went wrong kept thinking about what i could have done should have done might have done would have done kept thinking about all the things that i wish i never said the things i should have said the things i wish i didn't do the
• 10:30 - 11:00 things i wish i did do it just kept going round and round and he said "the moment that i accepted that i may never get over her was the moment i was free." it almost doesn't make sense but it does he said "the moment i stopped obsessing over getting over her i was free because now i wasn't holding on to it so tightly when actually what i'm trying to do is let it go." and so there's a famous
• 11:00 - 11:30 piece of wisdom that says "what we resist persists anything that we're trying to avoid we almost attract it we we bring it back into our lives." and so instead of this constant feeling of like i need to just let go i need to leave it behind i need to move on just move just walk forward take that step find a connection and what you find is that the mind naturally dissolves old memories when we make new ones the mind forgets the old path we used to walk when you chose a
• 11:30 - 12:00 new path to walk right if you had one way that you went to work the first couple of days if you tried a new route it was a bit weird for the brain but now that you've been taking that new route for 10 years you forgot about the old one it just went away so most of the time i think a lot of what we're trying to let go of it's going to dissolve on its own accord in its own time at its own pace and we shouldn't wait for that to be over to move forward because you could be waiting forever and waiting for a long time
• 12:00 - 12:30 and you don't leave something behind by waiting for it very profound thank you thank you so much thank you jenn you've been patient you've been kind you've been so absolutely wonderful i really just looking into all of your eyes and faces as i've been standing here i feel so grateful that i got to spend this evening with you i can't tell you how excited i was about tonight but how much better it was than my expectation because of all of you so thank you so much i love you thank you guys thank you
• 12:30 - 13:00 thank you so much [Music]