The Beauty of Assertiveness | Dr. Abby Hamilton | TEDxWestshoreWomen

Summary

Dr. Abby Hamilton's TEDx talk, "The Beauty of Assertiveness," explores the transformative power of embracing one's value and confidently expressing oneself. Through her personal narrative, Abby discusses the challenges she faced growing up with cultural norms that emphasized obedience and respect over assertiveness. She shares her journey of learning to vocalize her ideas and advocate for herself in a respectful yet firm manner. Abby's talk highlights key strategies for practicing assertiveness: knowing your value, sharing your accomplishments, and embracing your unique strengths. This empowering message is a call to action for women and minorities to stand up and shine, promoting a more inclusive and expressive world.

Highlights

• Dr. Abby's pivotal moment of assertiveness with her boss reshaped her professional identity. 🌟
• Learning about negativity bias helped Abby recognize and counteract negative self-talk. 🤔
• Her research found a link between cultural norms and reduced assertiveness among Filipino Americans. 📊
• The talk emphasizes knowing one's value as a foundation for effective assertiveness. 💪
• Encouragement to share accomplishments openly to inspire others and gain recognition. 👏

Key Takeaways

• Embracing assertiveness doesn't mean being forceful; it's about respectful communication. 🗣️
• Understanding your value is key to effective self-assertion. 🎯
• Cultural norms can influence our assertiveness, but they don't have to define it. 🌎
• Assertiveness can be learned and practiced, leading to personal and professional growth. 📚
• Empower yourself by celebrating your uniqueness and sharing it with the world. 🌟

Overview

Dr. Abby Hamilton's trip down memory lane reveals a personal struggle many face: the battle between societal norms of obedience and the personal need for assertiveness. Recounting her journey from a 'good girl' to an assertive woman, she highlights a transforming interaction with her boss that flipped her script from passive to powerful.

A deep dive into cognitive theories and her Filipino cultural influences uncovers the roots of her initial hesitance to assert herself. Abby explains how widespread concepts like negativity bias can reinforce limiting beliefs. But, through learning and conscious practice, she forged a path to self-empowerment that she's eager to share.

Her dynamic approach to assertiveness is refreshingly inclusive, advocating for an embrace of one's unique style and strengths. This TEDx talk isn't just a personal story, but a rallying cry for everyone, especially women and minorities, to consciously highlight their potential. Dr. Abby's message is clear: assertiveness, when done beautifully, can be life-changing.

Chapters

• 00:00 - 03:00: Introduction and Personal Anecdote The chapter starts with motivational advice encouraging readers to pursue their desired job, raise, or promotion. The speaker highlights the readers' worth and amazing qualities, boosting their confidence. The tone is very positive and encouraging, suggesting taking a picture to capture the moment of realization and self-worth.
• 03:00 - 05:00: The Turning Point and Embracing Assertiveness The chapter titled "The Turning Point and Embracing Assertiveness" begins with a scene of taking photos with "big smiles." The speaker shares an anecdote about being told not to bring a phone on stage, hinting at a rebellious streak. This defiance contrasts with their past behavior; they implied that they were once more obedient, influenced by their prominent parents and their standing in the community. The chapter possibly explores the speaker's journey from compliance to assertiveness.
• 05:00 - 08:00: Cultural Influences and Study on Assertiveness The chapter titled 'Cultural Influences and Study on Assertiveness' explores the impact of cultural upbringing on behavior and assertiveness. It begins with a reflection on childhood experiences where the focus was on being polite, respectful, obedient, and adhering to instructions to be deemed 'good.' This cultural expectation of being well-behaved transitions into professional life, where the desire to be a 'good employee' is equated with approval from superiors, as illustrated by the individual's aspiration to be viewed positively by their boss, referred to colloquially as a 'good apple.'
• 08:00 - 12:00: Lessons on Assertiveness and Its Beauty The chapter discusses the journey towards embracing assertiveness over mere politeness and obedience. The narrator reflects on their past desire to be seen as polite, respectful, and obedient, always doing what they were told. However, they realized that being compliant and seeking approval wasn't fulfilling enough. A pivotal moment occurred when the narrator confidently presented a hard-worked project to their boss, symbolizing a shift towards assertiveness and seeking recognition beyond mere compliance.
• 12:00 - 15:00: Conclusion and Call to Action The chapter 'Conclusion and Call to Action' seems to focus on a critical reflection and possibly a learning experience. It portrays a scenario where the speaker feels criticized and doubts are amplified by negative internal voices. The speaker interprets external feedback as a personal inadequacy but this could serve as a deeper call to action for growth and understanding.

The Beauty of Assertiveness | Dr. Abby Hamilton | TEDxWestshoreWomen Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 you know what you should get that job that you've been wanting or that raise or that promotion why because you're amazing you really are i mean you guys should see yourselves you look so great i just oh my gosh i gotta take a picture this is so good all right get your big smiles ready
• 00:30 - 01:00 big smiles over here one two three and big smiles over here one two three awesome thank you so they told me that i couldn't bring my phone up here but i'm not the most obedient person like i used to you see when i was younger my parents were prominent members of the community and it was so important for me
• 01:00 - 01:30 to be that well-behaved child polite respectful obedient and always do what i was told and that's the way that i could be a good girl good girl abigail and then when i grew up and i ended up in the professional world i wanted to be a good employee i wanted my boss to say you know that abby hamilton she's such a good apple
• 01:30 - 02:00 she's polite she's respectful she's obedient she always does what she's told well i wanted that so bad until i realized it wasn't enough so one day i walked into my boss's office and i handed her this project that i had been working so hard on and then i backed up and i waited for my good apple approval
• 02:00 - 02:30 instead she said i wouldn't have done it like this that didn't sound like good apple to me actually in my head what i really heard was you clearly have no idea what you're doing and almost immediately the voices from my past chimed in like a choir telling me that i don't know what i'm doing
• 02:30 - 03:00 and it sounded like oh what are you wearing that doesn't even go and this coffee tastes like tar you can't even make coffee and you need to take some parenting lessons abby the sad thing is in that moment i agreed with them that i can't do anything right and i told my boss you're the boss
• 03:00 - 03:30 i'll do whatever you say so i went back into my office and i tried to make the changes that she suggested and even one change would ruin other parts of the project i couldn't do it i couldn't make those changes i needed to go tell her so i collected all the courage i had from deep down inside my heart was beating so fast and i walked into our office
• 03:30 - 04:00 and i said these are the reasons we need to keep it this way and she said okay that was such a huge moment in my life i was strong i was assertive i spoke up like a person who makes decisions a smart person who makes good decisions and i spoke up and i found out later that she was back
• 04:00 - 04:30 in her office when i left it smiling and saying to herself now that is the abbey i have been waiting for isn't it crazy how she knew i had it in me but i didn't i was still listening to those negative voices and i in this moment got to feel what it was like to be strong and smart and assertive and i wanted more i loved that feeling
• 04:30 - 05:00 so i went to that sacred place that all people go to learn those things that they want to know youtube and there i watched every single video there was on assertiveness and i learned that there's this thing called negativity bias where your brain because it's trying to protect you concentrates more on the negative
• 05:00 - 05:30 and it doesn't concentrate as much on the positive no wonder i was hearing those negative voices from my past so much and then in my doctorate program i learned about this concept called bandura's social cognitive theory where basically our influences from our environment from when we grew up all the way up until now they shape
• 05:30 - 06:00 the way we assess what we can and what we can't do that means everybody here each of you has your own little bank of influences that explain who you are maybe for some of you you had a conservative parent you had conservative parents or maybe you grew up in a small town or maybe you grew up in a completely different culture as for me it was my filipino culture
• 06:00 - 06:30 i'm a second generation filipino american and in our culture we focus on respect obedience humility we avoid confrontation and we never question our authority no wonder i had so much trouble speaking up but i wondered was it my culture that was keeping me from speaking up
• 06:30 - 07:00 so i conducted a study on 473 filipino americans and i did find out that the stronger we hold on to our filipino interpersonal norms the less assertive we are so what do i do with that i mean i'm trying to make it in this society where the forceful direct push the envelope people are getting the attention
• 07:00 - 07:30 they're getting that raise they're getting the promotion but i'm just not like that i didn't want to be forceful and pushy and mean and rude and ugly but i learned that you don't have to be actually assertiveness is communication that is firm but it's also respectful and when it's done right
• 07:30 - 08:00 it is beautiful and that is why now i speak to women and minorities and i speak to colleges and companies to tell them how to assert themselves in a way that is beautiful and today i'm going to tell you the three keys to practicing beautiful assertiveness number one know your value aristotle said
• 08:00 - 08:30 know thyself know myself who am i what am i i didn't know i needed an answer and then i found it in that movie the help you seen that movie where miss abeleen said to that little girl that she was smart and she is kind and she is important
• 08:30 - 09:00 that's me that's me and that's you that's us every single day we are smart and kind and important one day i was at work and i walked into my boss's office and i had a normal everyday question for him but it must have been the worst possible moment because he said come on in have a seat what do you think this is abby hamilton company and he began his angry monologue
• 09:00 - 09:30 and i was a wreck i allowed his words to shred me into pieces and i let it hurt me deep inside now if i had remembered miss abeleen's words that i'm smart and important i would have been able to say you know what i woke up this morning and came out into this world to be a good person
• 09:30 - 10:00 and i came to work today to be a good employee and i would have the strength and the confidence to say to my boss i want to do an amazing job in this position show me how tell me how we need to be able to know our value and hold on to it tightly so that no one can swipe it away from us with their angry monologues sun tzu the author of the art of war
• 10:00 - 10:30 said know yourself and you win all the battles isn't that beautiful number two show and share your greatness back when i was a teacher i had been at the school for a few years and this one day this sparkly brand new teacher started and every single day i would see her in the principal's office and they were just chatting away and i always wondered what is it that they have to talk about
• 10:30 - 11:00 every single day and then i found out all the teachers got that email that said teachers i want you to start doing this great new thing that the new teacher has shared with us and i was like what i've been doing that for years my mistake was i never told my boss how on earth was she supposed to know all the great and wonderful things that were happening in
• 11:00 - 11:30 my classroom if i didn't tell her when we show and share our greatness and our ideas and our achievements with other people not only will we make it so clear to our boss that we are that person who deserves that raise and that promotion we also get the opportunity to show and share our greatness and ideas with others
• 11:30 - 12:00 and begin to be an inspiration to them now that's beautiful number three glow like you're the best when i say glow i mean like you can feel your greatness from deep down inside and it comes out so that the world can see it it shines from you one day i was online and i saw this awesome amazing picture of jennifer lopez
• 12:00 - 12:30 and she had her arms up in the air like she was saying here i am world i am the best i love that i want to be like jennifer lopez i wanted to be like that so i tried it i put my arms up and i said i am the i couldn't do it i couldn't it's just not me not my personality i just
• 12:30 - 13:00 didn't want to be so showy but then i realized if i can't say i'm the best why is anybody else in this world going to think that it's like this if i tried some lemonade and i was like it's not the best here try it would you try it what if i said oh i got a guy for you to introduce to your daughter he's not the best or oh that doctor this doctor she
• 13:00 - 13:30 could do your surgery she's not the best or here's a daycare for your kids it's not the best would you say sign me up of course not you want the best so we need to be able to glow like we're the best so that our future employer would think that or even our potential spouse could think that what about your next big client can they see how you glow like you're
• 13:30 - 14:00 the best well now that i know how to practice beautiful assertiveness by knowing my value showing and sharing my greatness and glowing like i'm the best i can go back to those voices from my past and i could say to them [Music] i am smart enough to recognize that you you have your own style and i have my style too
• 14:00 - 14:30 and my style says that it's perfectly fine actually not not just perfectly fine it's awesome that i'm wearing these polka dot shoes on this stage for the entire world to see and you know why because guess what my ideas are important too i am the best i am the best at being me
• 14:30 - 15:00 and now i encourage you all to know your value show and share your greatness glow like you're the best and spread this beauty in the world every single morning when you wake up you have a brand new opportunity to change your life by showing the world the beautiful assertive you thank you