THE COURAGE TO BE DISLIKED by F. Koga and I. Kishimi | Core Message

Summary

"The Courage to Be Disliked" by Ichiro Kashimi and Fumiaki Koga explores the concept that unhappiness is not a result of circumstance, but rather a choice that serves hidden goals. The book draws on Adlerian Psychology to argue that negative emotions and feelings of inferiority are self-imposed tools to meet social expectations and avoid rejection. By shifting our perspective to view relationships horizontally and recognizing everyone’s inherent worth, we can alleviate emotional turmoil. The book encourages us to focus on personal contribution rather than social validation, ultimately cultivating the courage to be disliked as a pathway to true happiness.

Highlights

• Unhappiness serves a hidden psychological purpose. 🎯
• Negative emotions can be tools to gain attention or manipulate social interactions. 😟💔
• Ranking people creates unnecessary emotional turmoil; aim for horizontal relationships. 🙌
• Everyone has inherent worth, which neutralizes perceived social hierarchies. 🤝
• True contribution aligns with personal fulfillment, not social validation. 🎁
• Developing the courage to be disliked can free you from societal constraints. 🕊️
• The book is a dialogue-based narrative full of thought-provoking concepts. 📚

Key Takeaways

• Unhappiness serves a hidden purpose based on Adlerian Psychology's framework. 🎯
• Negative emotions can be tools to gain attention, avoid rejection, or meet social expectations. 😟💔
• Flatten the worth chart: no one is above or below you; everyone has equal worth. 🙌
• Recognition of inherent worth in everyone alleviates emotional turmoil. 🌈
• Focus on your task to give and contribute, not on seeking validation or acknowledgment. 🎁
• Cultivating the courage to be disliked liberates you from social pressures. 🕊️

Overview

"The Courage to Be Disliked" tackles the perception of unhappiness as a chosen state, largely influenced by socially-driven goals and pressures. The book dives into Adlerian Psychology, explaining how negative emotions like anger and stress might actually serve strategic purposes, such as avoiding rejection or engaging empathy from others.

A key element of the book is the transformation of relationship dynamics, moving away from a hierarchical, vertical view towards a more egalitarian, horizontal perspective. By recognizing that everyone's worth is equal, we can eliminate the hidden psychological warfare that often diminishes self-worth and complicates human interactions.

By shifting the focus from what others think to how we can contribute effectively, the book encourages readers to derive satisfaction and happiness from personal growth and giving to others. This shift cultivates what the authors define as the 'courage to be disliked,' a liberating force against external validation pressures.

Chapters

• 00:00 - 00:30: Introduction to The Courage to Be Disliked The chapter introduces the book 'The Courage to Be Disliked' by Ichiro Kashimi and Fumiaki Koga. It suggests that unhappiness is not necessarily a result of one's circumstances but rather serves a specific purpose. The chapter draws on Adlerian Psychology, a framework for understanding human behavior from a century ago, which posits that people choose to stay in negative states because it makes them feel special.
• 00:30 - 01:30: The Purpose of Unhappiness The chapter discusses how unhappiness can serve a purpose in our lives. It suggests that emotional responses like holding on to hurt or anger can be used strategically, such as using hurt to make someone feel guilty and seek reconciliation, or using anger to draw attention. The chapter also touches on the notion that staying in an emotional rut might be a way to avoid taking action or facing other challenges.
• 01:30 - 02:30: Avoidance and Social Expectations The chapter discusses the concept of avoidance in relation to social expectations. It highlights how the fear of rejection in creative pursuits can lead individuals to create excuses for not achieving success. Additionally, the chapter touches on how feeling too exhausted to engage socially can be a defense mechanism to avoid awkward interactions and potential rejection. Furthermore, it addresses how stress related to finances, health, or career is often driven by the desire to meet societal standards. The text prompts readers to envision a scenario where they are the only person on Earth, thus freeing them from social pressures and allowing them to live simply without judgment.
• 02:30 - 04:00: The Vertical Relationship Chart The chapter explores the concept of vertical relationships, suggesting that many of our interpersonal problems and chronic unhappiness stem from perceiving relationships in a hierarchical manner. It asserts that there is no need for an apocalyptic scenario to escape the emotional turmoil commonly experienced in modern society. Instead, individuals can resolve these issues by changing their approach to relationships in two key ways. The first way is by understanding that vertical relationships do not truly exist, challenging the mental 'chart' that people often have, which compares their status to others.
• 04:00 - 04:30: The Concept of Horizontal Relationships The chapter explores the dynamics of horizontal relationships, emphasizing the constant comparisons people make with those around them. It discusses how individuals aspire to uplift their self-worth by evaluating others' achievements and abilities, leading to the development of inferiority and superiority complexes. These complexes negatively impact emotional wellness, as people who feel inferior are often preoccupied with how they are perceived by others who appear more successful or desirable. This need for approval is emotionally draining and diminishes one's sense of self-worth.
• 04:30 - 05:30: Inherent Worth and Illusions of Superiority This chapter explores the concept of inherent worth and the illusions created by feelings of superiority. It highlights the pitfalls of regarding oneself as superior based on traits such as looks, income, or status, emphasizing that these attributes can end up owning you, causing fear and anxiety of losing your position. It discusses how constantly ranking people above or below you turns everyone into an adversary, leading to a life of hostile and exhausting competition.
• 05:30 - 06:00: Separating Relationship Tasks The chapter titled 'Separating Relationship Tasks' explores the concept of flattening the 'worth chart' in relationships. It encourages readers to envision a world where all relationships are horizontal, meaning everyone is perceived to have the same worth simply because they exist. This shift in belief can significantly reduce emotional turmoil by removing the pressure to impress those perceived as above or feeling threatened by those perceived as below. The chapter advocates for recognizing the inherent worth of every individual and erasing the perceived social gaps that create hierarchy in relationships.
• 06:00 - 07:30: The Essence of Contribution The chapter 'The Essence of Contribution' emphasizes the inherent worth of individuals regardless of their conventional achievements or abilities. It illustrates this idea by comparing a newborn baby and an elderly man with dementia. Both may lack conventional markers of worth but possess undeniable value. The baby brings joy and meaning to parents simply by existing, while the elderly man, by holding on to life, reminds his children of the love and values he passed on. The chapter concludes that as long as someone is alive, they hold worth to someone, underscoring the notion that a person's worth is never lesser or negligible.
• 07:30 - 08:30: Conclusion and Recommendation The chapter discusses the perceived advantages of wealth and fame, suggesting they may actually bind individuals to unwanted obligations. The idea that positional gaps in worth or status are subjective is explored, encouraging an understanding that perceived advantages might not be as beneficial as they seem. A metaphor about laying out problems on a table with others highlights that everyone has challenges, and one might prefer their own over others' upon realizing this.

THE COURAGE TO BE DISLIKED by F. Koga and I. Kishimi | Core Message Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 I recently read the courage to be disliked by Ichiro kashimi and fumiaki Koga if you're unhappy it's not because you were born into an unhappy circumstance or ended up in an unhappy situation it's because your unhappiness serves a purpose any chronic anger anxiety or stress is a tool to achieve a hidden goal at larian Psychology a century old framework for human behavior explains that we choose to remain in a negative state because it makes us feel special
• 00:30 - 01:00 avoid rejection or meet social expectations if someone says something hurtful we might hold on to that hurt because it would make the person who hurt us feel guilty and have them go out of their way to make it up to us the hurt becomes a tool to get the attention kindness and sympathy we desire anger works the same way we get angry to be noticed shouting is our way of saying look at me if we're in an emotional rut we might unconsciously want to stay there is it allows us to avoid doing
• 01:00 - 01:30 creative work that might get rejected and say to others if only I didn't feel so stuck I would be wildly successful likewise feeling too drained to go out spares us from having awkward conversations and dealing with potential rejection even stress about our finances health or career is perpetuated by the goal of meeting social expectations now imagine you're the only person on the planet since there's no one to impress no one to reject you and no social pressure you simply go about about your day Gathering food and
• 01:30 - 02:00 building shelter and are free of the emotional turmoil that plagues modern society but thankfully we don't need an apocalypse to be free of all the hidden interpersonal goals that are a source of our problems and unhappiness we can resolve most of our interpersonal problems and eliminate chronic unhappiness by altering how we relate to people in two fundamentally different ways first realize there are no vertical relationships we have a chart in the back of our minds that compares our
• 02:00 - 02:30 selfworth to everyone we meet the people above us have achievements or abilities we envy and the people below us have few qualities and accolades we value this constant assessment of others fuels inferiority and superiority complexes that wreak havoc on our emotional lives when you feel inferior you tend to obsess about how those above you who are either more successful happier fitter wealthier or better looking are judging you because you crave their approval feeling less worthy than those you ad admire is exhausting and erodes your
• 02:30 - 03:00 confidence now if you happen to see yourself above someone else the qualities that give you a sense of superiority looks income status start to own you you grow terrified of losing your position so you live in constant anxiety in both cases constantly ranking people above or below you on the worth chart makes everyone your enemy people are either blocking your climb or threatening to take your place which makes life a hostile exhausting competition
• 03:00 - 03:30 but what if the worth chart was flattened what if there was no gap between you and any other person picture a world where every relationship is horizontal where everyone has the same worth simply because they exist this belief change would quiet the majority of your emotional turmoil because there would be no one above you to impress and no one below you to feel threatened by you can achieve this Utopia by recognizing the inherent worth of everyone's Society ranks below you and erasing the perceived gap between you you and the people above you consider a
• 03:30 - 04:00 newborn baby and an elderly man with dementia neither has the conventional achievements or abilities that would give them high worth in a typical sense but their worth is undeniable a baby brings joy and meaning to its parents simply by existing an elderly man in a nursing home who is holding on to his life reminds his children of the love and values that he passed on to them as long as someone is alive they have Worth to someone in some way their worth is neither greater nor
• 04:00 - 04:30 less than ours now to erase the perceived gap between you and the people above you realize that advantages are completely subjective the most obvious advantages in life like wealth and fame can be golden chains tying people to obligations they didn't choose and robbing them of the freedom to walk away if you sat down at a table with people you perceived to be above you and everyone laid out their problems on the table you'd probably take back yours once you realize that the worth gaps above above and below you are an
• 04:30 - 05:00 illusion and everyone is walking on the same plane in the same direction you stop letting inferiority and superiority based goals rule your life and just focus on becoming the best version of yourself now that we've eliminated all vertical relationships it's time to clearly separate relationship tasks there are two primary tasks in every personal interaction your task is to find the best way to contribute their task is to form any opinion of your contribution that they wish in short your task is is to give while giving
• 05:00 - 05:30 others the freedom to choose what to think and what to do with your gift as a parent your task is to provide opportunities for your child to learn and grow whether they take advantage of those opportunities is their task not yours at work your task is to show up and do your best whether others approve of your efforts is entirely up to them interpersonal problems arise when you try to interfere with someone else's task it's like telling someone how to do their job you may hope for praise and appreciation but it's not your task to
• 05:30 - 06:00 make sure you get those things your task is to contribute by using whatever position knowledge and skill you have to be uniquely useful to other people your contribution must be so obvious that you don't need any acknowledgement from others to feel a sense of contribution your contribution will often align with your craft like coding managing projects or writing legal briefs but most of the time your contribution is much simpler as a father I have a unique opportunity to contribute to my son's life by simply
• 06:00 - 06:30 playing games with him and giving him my undivided attention sometimes the best contribution is to give someone's space to figure things out for themselves paired with the confidence that they'll succeed the more you assume the task of being useful the happier you'll be because true and Lasting happiness is a feeling of contribution if you don't feel better after giving to someone then you're not giving from a place of strength or you're not choosing how to give
• 06:30 - 07:00 when you know you're doing what you can to give to other people and you feel Joy doing it you can go to sleep at night not worrying what other people are thinking about you at this point you've developed what authors kashimi and Koga call the courage to be disliked which is the ultimate freedom and the remedy to unhappiness that was the core message that I gathered from the courage to be disliked by Ichiro kashimi and fumiaki Koka the book is written in an enjoyable dialogue format and contains a ton of thought-provoking ideas I highly
• 07:00 - 07:30 recommend it if you would like a one-page PDF summary of insights that I gather from the book just click the link below and I'll email it to you if you already subscrib to the free productivity game email newsletter this PDF is sitting in your inbox if you like the video please share it and as always thanks for watching and have yourself a productive week