This Mindset is KEEPING You Stressed, Miserable & Broke! (How To Fix It): Evy Poumpouras

Summary

Evy Poumpouras delves into the detrimental mindset of perceiving oneself as uniquely victimized. Through personal anecdotes and reflections, she explains that viewing one’s problems as unique can lead to isolation and hinder resilience. By shifting from a special identity to recognizing shared human experiences, one can cultivate better coping skills and a more fulfilling life. The discussion confronts the allure of victimhood and the need for personal growth by embracing challenges.

Highlights

• Evy highlights the 'I'm special' mindset as a significant barrier to personal growth 🌱.
• Discusses how over-identification with victimhood can become addictive and self-destructive 🔄.
• Emphasizes the importance of recognizing shared human experiences to overcome personal challenges 🌍.
• Discusses instrumental and identity mindsets in managing stress and solving problems 💼.
• Encourages focusing on helping others to reduce anxiety and build community 🎯.
• Shares personal anecdotes from 9/11 about finding solace in not being alone in one's experiences 🌆.
• Describes the dangers of a self-centered focus leading to higher depression and anxiety levels 📉.

Key Takeaways

• Believing you're 'special' in your problems can lead to isolation and hinder problem-solving 🎭.
• Embracing shared human struggles fosters resilience and community support 🤝.
• The allure of victimhood often provides comfort and validation but can be self-destructive in the long run 🚫.
• Striving for identity over instrumental problem-solving can heighten depression and anxiety 🧠.
• Recognizing the instrumental vs. identity mindset helps navigate personal and professional relationships effectively 🔄.
• Focusing on being of service to others reduces self-centered anxiety and promotes a fulfilling life 🌟.

Overview

Evy Poumpouras shares valuable insights on the mindset that keeps many stuck — thinking they're uniquely victimized. This mindset creates isolation, keeping individuals from developing necessary coping skills. By acknowledging that everyone faces struggles, one can build a more resilient and fulfilling life.

Reflecting on personal experiences, including those as a 9/11 first responder, Poumpouras illustrates the power of community and shared human experiences in overcoming trauma. Her discussion reveals how clinging to a victim identity for validation can hinder personal growth and keep individuals stressed and anxious.

The conversation separates instrumental from identity mindsets, explaining how being overly self-centered can harm mental health. Poumpouras advises focusing on community service and being genuine as keys to overcoming self-imposed limitations and leading a content, productive life.

Chapters

• 00:00 - 00:30: Introduction to Problem-Solving and Resilience The chapter emphasizes the necessity of experiencing challenging situations firsthand in order to develop resilience and effective problem-solving skills. It discusses the limitations of theoretical strategies and the importance of actual experience, implying that direct exposure to difficulties is an essential component of building a 'thick skin' and genuine competence. The narrative suggests that over-avoidance of challenges might lead to increased fear and weakness, indicating the value of facing adversities head-on as part of personal and professional growth.
• 00:30 - 02:00: Learning to Cope and Problem Solve The chapter discusses the importance of accepting unavoidable situations and focusing on what we can control. It emphasizes the role of social circles and personal choices in mitigating stress. The narrator uses the metaphor of a bulletproof vest to illustrate our limited capacity to shield ourselves from life's challenges. The chapter also touches upon the narrator's desire to equip her daughter with problem-solving skills, highlighting the necessity of becoming proactive rather than paralyzed when confronted with stressful scenarios.
• 02:00 - 04:00: The Fallacy of Being Special This chapter challenges the idea of considering oneself as extraordinarily special without reason. It explores how coping with problems and learning problem-solving skills is essential to personal development. The author shares a personal anecdote about allowing a child to experience frustration in a safe environment to learn coping mechanisms.
• 04:00 - 06:00: Surviving vs Thriving The chapter 'Surviving vs Thriving' discusses the inevitability of problems, hardship, trauma, and tragedy in life. It emphasizes the importance of learning to problem-solve as a crucial skill in facing life's challenges. Acknowledging these hardships allows individuals to come to terms with them, suggesting that acceptance is key to moving from merely surviving to thriving.
• 06:00 - 08:00: Embracing Shared Struggles The chapter 'Embracing Shared Struggles' opens with a reflection on the common human tendency to feel uniquely burdened by life's challenges. The speaker recounts their experience working on a second TED Talk, emphasizing the prevailing theme of six inhibitors that commonly hinder people's progress. Through conversations with numerous mentors and receiving varied feedback from readers of their book, the speaker identifies one of the primary inhibitors: the belief that one is special. This notion often traps individuals in self-centered narratives that isolate them from realizing that many others share similar struggles. The chapter encourages readers to shift perspective and recognize shared experiences as a path towards growth and connection.
• 08:00 - 10:00: Identity Mindset vs Instrumental Mindset This chapter explores the differences between an identity mindset and an instrumental mindset. It describes how viewing oneself as unique and special can lead to feelings of isolation because one believes that no one can understand their struggles. This mindset suggests that personal problems are unique and unsolvable due to one's individuality. The narrative that one's experiences and pain are special leads to a sense of being alone in the world.
• 10:00 - 13:00: Dangers of Victimhood The chapter discusses the dangers of adopting a victimhood mentality, highlighting how some people reject solutions by thinking their problems are unique. The narrative emphasizes the importance of recognizing that no one is alone in facing difficulties. Using the experience of 9/11, the speaker reflects on their time as a first responder, suggesting that even in shared traumatic events, one should strive to move beyond a victim mindset.
• 13:00 - 15:00: Empathy and Leadership The chapter 'Empathy and Leadership' begins with an exploration of how individuals process traumatic experiences, particularly in high-stress environments. A key point highlighted is the speaker's rejection of the term 'survive.' Instead, they prefer to say 'live through,' indicating a more empowering and positive approach to overcoming challenges. This distinction underscores the importance of narrative and language in personal resilience and leadership. The chapter suggests that how leaders frame their experiences can deeply influence their own mindset and the way they lead others in crises. The emphasis is on the power of positive reframing and empathy in leadership roles, advocating for an approach that strengthens and uplifts rather than diminishes the experiences people endure.
• 15:00 - 18:00: Being Instrumental Over Identity The protagonist reflects on their personal journey, striving not just to survive but to thrive despite witnessing traumatic events and extensive loss.
• 18:00 - 21:00: Service to Others vs Self-Centeredness The chapter explores the theme of service to others versus self-centeredness by recounting personal experiences related to search, clean up, and rescue efforts. It emphasizes the importance of community and collective efforts in overcoming challenges and highlights the idea that recognizing you are not alone can help you cope with difficult situations. The narrator reflects on how being part of a larger group helped them deal with the emotional aftermath of the events they went through.
• 21:00 - 23:00: Call to Action for Subscribers The chapter emphasizes the isolating nature of believing one's pain and problems are unique and unparalleled. It discusses the mental shift required to understand that others may have similar experiences. This awareness can create a sense of connection and help, as shared stories offer insights and encouragement, reducing the feeling of being alone in one's struggles. The chapter calls for a broader perspective that allows individuals to relate to others' experiences and recognize commonality in challenges faced.

This Mindset is KEEPING You Stressed, Miserable & Broke! (How To Fix It): Evy Poumpouras Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 you know we can talk about tactics and tricks and tips to do this all we like but you've literally had to go through it in order to be able to deal with it that's like the essence of the training you described so is there not an element of this everything we're saying here where unfortunately you're just going to have to go through some in life to develop the thick skin but you have to go through it there there's there's no exception the the harder you work you you're going to work so hard to avoid it which actually just makes you more afraid and weaker
• 00:30 - 01:00 where it's like it's just going to happen and being okay we mitigate as much as we can through the circle of people what we choose to do what we choose to surround ourselves with we understand that right the vest the bulletproof vest can only cover so much of our body and then we understand that we are vulnerable in other areas and you're going to have to go through it even as a mom like one of the things is I want to give my daughter the best tools so that she can problem solve and it's not just being able to feel the stress it's being able to when you're dealing with a scenario like that you can't just sit and be paralyzed by it
• 01:00 - 01:30 you're like I have to respond to this and you learn to cope you learn coping skills and strategies you're learning to problem solve the only way you learn to problem solve is when you're dealing with a problem if everything's Problem free you don't know how to problem solve so one of the things I make sure with my daughter now even though she's still very young is I will look at moments where she's frustrated let's say she's trying to climb onto the bed I will let her as long as it's safe I let her be frustrated and cry and scream till she she gets up on the bed I've seen her do
• 01:30 - 02:00 it I know she can do it so I will tell her like I will say work out the problem there there's incremental things we can do in our lives to allow ourselves to learn how to problem solve there's no escaping problems for anyone there's no escaping hardship for anybody there's no escaping trauma or tragedy for anybody there just isn't when you I think when you come to terms with that like you're okay but it's when you can't come to to terms with it and you
• 02:00 - 02:30 think like life's just bad for me life's picking on me my life is hard my life is this my life is that you know you're not that special I just did my second Ted Talk and I talked about the six Inhibitors that hold us back hold people back and it was based off of all the mentors I did like hundreds like which happened after I wrote my book when people writing in and one of the biggest things that holds people back is the idea that I'm special I'm special and that
• 02:30 - 03:00 my problems are special my pain is special I'm so unique nobody knows what I'm going through so when everything around me if I'm that special why I can't figure my stuff out because I'm I'm not like everybody else and when you do that when you have that narrative like that you think of yourself in that way you are telling yourself I'm alone in the world cuz I'm special nobody can know what I'm going through or struggling with or dealing with
• 03:00 - 03:30 and it's actually kind of when I would talk with people and like you'd give them Solutions and they're like no no no but that that won't work for me because of this or this and that it was always like and I would tell them I'm like I say this with all the love of my heart you're not that special if you if you recognize that then you're going to realize that you're not alone in this world going through all this stuff this stuff isn't just happening to you and there's Solace you know after 911 you know I survived 9/11 I was one of the First Responders there I don't even like to use the word survive I was there I live through it
• 03:30 - 04:00 people ask me you know how did you deal with the aftermath because you know you're watching thousands of people die you almost die yourself sorry just to pause there because that was an important point for me why don't you like to use the word survive I like live through why survive to me has a negative connotation it's not as powerful I don't like it to me like I I live through so survive is this thing happened and I
• 04:00 - 04:30 this is how it feels mhm cuz I I I don't I'm trying to articulate it feels like I I survive through it it's like no I I thrive through that I live through that I thrive through it survive makes me think I barely made it which technically I kind of did but I don't care but one of the things that helped me get through it when people like you know we do there trauma like you're watching truly you're watching I watch thousand like thousands of people die people jumping
• 04:30 - 05:00 and like you can't do anything like you tried we try I tried so and then after that we had search clean up and rescue efforts and I will tell you one of the things that got me through it to the point where I barely dealt with any type of real aftermath like PT or anything like that I'm not saying I didn't get anything but but what helped me through is I wasn't that special I wasn't alone in it when you know you're not alone in the world like you can get through anything
• 05:00 - 05:30 but when you tell yourself that you are that unique and that what is happening to you is just happening to you then all your pain is special all your problems are special your trauma is special and then nobody can help you cuz it's just you going through it how alone is that and it's that mental shift of when you can hear other people's stories or see what other people are going through and then you that helps pull you
• 05:30 - 06:00 through your stuff I will tell you that I'm not that special has got me through so much I can see it in your face as you talk and it's making me curious as to why this is so personal cuz I'm not special and I think I don't know I think it's a detriment when people think that they're that special I think it takes you down there's a story here you're not telling me I feel like I don't think it's a story we all think we're the sun right
• 06:00 - 06:30 and everything moves around us and when you are on that space when you think you're that special you self-analyze you self you go in a lot more and you would probably say well that's good eie is it is it really that good for me to sit and analyze everything going on in my life or when I over an analyze I over assess I'm overly critiquing I'm so focused on myself do you know what that actually does it actually you have higher rates of
• 06:30 - 07:00 anxiety and higher rates of depression because I am so self-focused now I'm not saying when I say you're not that special I don't mean that you're arrogant or narcissistic or self-absorbed I mean that you are so self-focused that the outside world Fades and it's just you and whatever it is you're dealing with how can you get out of that that's a very hard headp space to get out of why do they stay in that space in your opinion I don't think that they realize that they're in that space I they're not listening like
• 07:00 - 07:30 sometimes you can even talk to people they're not listening to you why don't they want to listen like why aren't they listening I I because they don't think anything's wrong or sometimes they'll look to you and be like oh you're you're you like you don't know what I'm going through or you don't realize here's the thing you and I talking about stuff from an from a place where we're trying to understand it objectively we're looking to not live that way where we're looking to understand it and so we can share it
• 07:30 - 08:00 with others but the only people that are going to receive it are the people that watch this podcast and want to and even then when they watch this they're going to pick and choose the parts that work for them or the parts of this podcast that fit the narrative that they tell themselves yes and I was reading something over Christmas which is really fun to my and I think it's part of why
• 08:00 - 08:30 I'm so interested in this subject it was called the courage to be disliked and in the opening chapter of the book it confronts this it's this kid basically arguing with this philosopher and the kid is saying to the philosopher kind of exactly what we've said know I'm a victim of my life the things that happened to me my trauma this is the way that I am and I don't believe I can change and the philosopher is making the case to the kid that you can in fact change and really the like Insight the thing the philosopher ends up saying to this kid which spun my brain for a while and it's still spinning my brain a
• 08:30 - 09:00 little bit is this idea that what happened to us doesn't determine our lives but we use what happened to us to achieve a goal that we have today now to put this into like a practical real example if I am a kid that is 27 years old and I'm still in my mom's basement and I'm not going out there and getting a job I might say yeah I want a job but actually being in my mom's basement is
• 09:00 - 09:30 actually serving me in some way and it might seem to be self-destructive to someone looking in but my mom's bringing me my food they finally show me attention if I change I lose the sympathy if I change I lose the attention and actually this attention has gotten a little bit addictive this sympathy this place of victimhood has gotten a little bit addictive to me in a way that I don't even know in a way that's actually self-destructive in the near term and the long term but at some
• 09:30 - 10:00 subconscious level I'm actually like addicted to my pain and suffering and it's funny because when I was so I read the book and then I started writing because I like to read things then try and write them into my own like language and I started thinking about someone in my own life and uh it's just I finally figured out this individual in my life that's been in my life for a long time who when you look at the actions you go they're ruining their own life but when you dig deeper into their ID
• 10:00 - 10:30 being a heroic victim is everything to them and actually if I this person walked into this room now and introduce themselves it would take 60 seconds for them to get to a story of how they've been hard done by and how they've overcome it but this means that help aid good decisions have had to always be secondary to protecting this narrative that they're a victim and actually sorry to be going a bit of a rant here at one point they were a victim at one point objectively they went through some really horrific horrible
• 10:30 - 11:00 things but the Predator's gone now so now they're looking for a predator and it's ruined their entire life it's ruined their home their family their finan financials because even when good things come come by good people come by they find a way to make this person a predator and they find a way to make them the heroic victim and so it really shifted my brain about like even my own trauma and the narratives and this hero story I tell about myself I'm like maybe I'm using what happened to to serve a a
• 11:00 - 11:30 goal I have today of projecting to the world that I am filling the Gap whatever gives me validation and you know reinforcement from people so anyway you know it reminds me a little bit of um histrionic disorder or um where you pretend you're sick it's like one of the disorders you'll pretend either you're sick or your child is sick um because when you do that you get
• 11:30 - 12:00 a lot of attention and so if I'm a victim of something or I'm going through something are you okay are you all right do you need something and it does cultivate this attention whereas every if everything's okay that all goes away and so I I think all of it it's people I think it's so many different things people get comfortable they don't want to get out of it they don't think anything is wrong it serves them nothing's wrong with my life who are you to tell me it's like all these different
• 12:00 - 12:30 layers and and when it's people close to us it's hard and I just have surrendered that two things who am I to tell somebody else how to live so if they think that that's the way their life needs to be I do have a little bit I'm not that special so who am I to tell you that you should live this way there's a little bit of or a lot of rather let people live how they want to live it reminds me of what you were say earlier about identity and I was thinking of
• 12:30 - 13:00 something I read recently that said sweds to the effective people would go to Great Lengths to destroy things including themselves before they dare edit their own identity there's a real element of Truth in that you're talking about identity and instrumental mindsets and I wonder if there's a real risk to developing an identity because you've got an identity Now secret service agent NYPD strong woman doesn't take says it how it is
• 13:00 - 13:30 well you know so in the context of identity the identity mindset if we go back it's it's that I'm special mindset I'm in an emotional state I'm special that's like identity mindset that's how you know when you're talking to someone if they're instrumental or identity if they're instrumental they're task oriented they're moving they're trying to solve problems if they identity they're stuck they're emotional I can't believe this I can't believe this happening to me so with that when you can figure figure out what mindset
• 13:30 - 14:00 somebody is in then you can talk to them but you talk to them in the mindset that they're in if somebody is instrumental I'm going to know this is a person that's just like tell me what to do just get to the point I just wanted this this and this and this there's no feelings there's no stuff involved there's no emotions somebody's identity right they are it's about them it's how it's affecting them typically again when we're very self-focused uh higher depression higher anxiety because we're overanalyzing things we're
• 14:00 - 14:30 in an emotional state so when someone's there it's good for you to know because you know in that moment they're not listening to what I'm saying they are stuck in their space now if I'm looking to progress the conversation let's say they work for me I'm going to sit and listen to them let them offload to a point to get them where I need them to be or to get them to get to um this instru this instrumental space like an agency like the US Secret service it was very instrumental nobody wants to hear
• 14:30 - 15:00 you complaining get it done fix this do this because they didn't really have the luxury of being like that because if you are like that people die it's just like you got to you got to move on but if your identity and where it's like you're really wanting other people to understand you I'm not saying that we don't visit identity Land once in a while but you it's not a great place to live either because you're so self-focused that you can't function it's
• 15:00 - 15:30 it's me me me me me but if you can Master this which you can easily do when you talk to people you'll know that person's instrumental they just need X Y and Z that person's identity your friend is Identity the thing with them is their identity almost all the time yeah that's when it becomes a problem and I've got great empathy and sympathy because defense can become someone's personality
• 15:30 - 16:00 especially if at a younger age that defense was their survival do you know what's interesting um and the Harvard Business Review did a a study on this they wrote about this do you know that the more you go through the less empathy you have so you would think let's say you've been through your hardships you would think that because you've been through that stuff you would have more empathy but as you rise through the ranks you actually have less empathy
• 16:00 - 16:30 because you've been through it you've overcome it and you kind of look at people like can you please get it together so yes and if you think about it it makes sense because it's like get through this you I've gotten through this whereas if you're dealing with someone who hasn't gone through it or is in the lower uh ranks at work uh they've got more empathy cuz also think of it too as you're going up in business you're you're dealing with so many more people
• 16:30 - 17:00 you don't have the cognitive space or load to deal with everybody's stuff so sometimes when people come to me my boss my boss and my my response is do you know how much your boss is probably juggling it's not that they're a jerk they're instrumental they're just trying to get stuff done and you being where you are kind of lower in the hierarchy you're not dealing with as much trying to juggle as much and so you're looking for more empathy you have more space more time this person up here they're trying to keep that ship from sinking so
• 17:00 - 17:30 that's where a lot of people sometimes get lost with their supervisors so it's interesting too because you know I even noticed that for myself I try to have empathy but there's moments where you're like man I'm you know it it can be you want to control it on the inside but be like there's times where you're like can we please just get it together like it's it's not that big of a deal on our previous conversation funnily enough the most replayed moment in the conversation
• 17:30 - 18:00 was where you talk about the dangers of victimhood stop really yes yeah the most replayed moment wow I was quite surprised I think people don't I I think most people don't want to be there anymore you know because it's not working out for them it's not that's why I think most people most people they're trying really hard most people who will watch this podcast or or watch things similar to this they're really trying
• 18:00 - 18:30 hard and they're trying to to do better I do believe that and I think that's why a moment like that because they're like I don't want to be here anymore just help me get get the out you know I respect that because they're trying like they're trying really hard as opposed to somebody who's just like I'm checked out that really speaks to people just saying like I know this isn't working this isn't where I want to live this isn't where I want to be and it it it's it's not getting me ahead in life you know I
• 18:30 - 19:00 always again I live by this Credence if if I go tomorrow am I okay to go and if it always set things right for me if you've lived in a way where you're like I've done or tried to do these things then you've lived a full life but being a victim prevents you from being from living a full life if everyone is hurting you if everyone's out to get you if everyone's doing something to you if everybody is sliding you if if this this person and that person how are you living a full life if
• 19:00 - 19:30 you're fighting everybody or pissed off at everybody because they disrespected you they're not giving you what you need they didn't validate this validate that how will you ever get anything done how will you ever be instrumental it doesn't mean you need to be a CEO or a secret service agent doesn't mean you need to be anything like that it whatever your journey is like how will you ever achieve that if you're so easily distracted by all this nonsense who says you have to have respect by everybody it's nice I I
• 19:30 - 20:00 welcome it but I'm not always going to get respect I can sit and check every single box off I'll be respectful to you I'll be kind to you I'll hand my things in our time I'll show up on time I'll do all these things check all those boxes there are still no guarantees you'll give it to me I know I was a former cop former agent I didn't always get it I was like I hope I get it but I don't need it but we tell people you need this who says who who says I need I need everybody's respect who and who am I to demand it
• 20:00 - 20:30 who says I need everybody to like me I don't want people to dislike me I'm not going to do things to make people dislike me but I'm also like I can't navigate my ship like that and then at the same time if you stop and think about it and people like oh get everyone to like you be charismatic pause who are you making that about you you don't really care about the other person it's me I want you to like me I want you to think I'm charismatic comes back to me
• 20:30 - 21:00 me me me me me how about this a little less me and more of how can I be of service to this person how can I help this person how can I be more generous generous to others how can I give more instead of take so that I can feel fulfilled it's all about me and my fulfillment my identity where am I going me me me I think we need a little less of that and how about us us us how about how can I help other people how can I be of service how can I be genuine and not rig this whole thing give me tips so
• 21:00 - 21:30 everybody likes me give me tips so I'm the smartest person in the the room if I'm the smartest person in the room stepen I'm I'm in trouble I want to be the biggest dummy like because I'm not learning anything from other people and who might have think I'm all this why why would you want that you know I you see this marketing stuff come up and we feed people garbage and then we wonder why everybody's confused why everybody has a void because we're telling them you need more you need more you are enough you are steady you are good stop
• 21:30 - 22:00 listening to all that be a genuine human being try to do the right thing by people be careful CU not everyone's out to do the best thing for you because people in pursuit of their own self-interest they will screw you over and that's okay just don't be shocked when it happens it happens but move through steady and focus on being of service to others everything like bring it back and it's like stop thinking about you I
• 22:00 - 22:30 promise you you will have a better life it'll be calmer it'll be quiet you'll be less depressed less anxious less just because it's not all you you're in it with everybody else this is the most crazy stat you'll ever hear 93.3% of you that watch this channel frequently haven't yet hit the Subscribe button so if you liked this clip and if you like what we do here please can you do me a favor and hit that subscribe button and in return I promise you I will do everything I can from now until
• 22:30 - 23:00 forever to make this channel better and better and better thank you