THIS Will Stop the Avoidant From Pulling Away Forever

Summary

Highlights

• The misconception about avoidant attachment and pulling away debunked 🚫
• Insightful personal story about Mary and her avoidant pattern 📖
• Secure partner Bob's approach in managing avoidant behavior ✅
• Importance of expressing personal needs clearly and gently 📢
• Navigating attachment styles for healthier, long-lasting relationships 💞

Key Takeaways

• Understanding avoidant attachment can prevent relationship issues ✨
• Communicate needs while honoring the avoidant partner's pace ⏱️
• Accountability and gentle communication foster growth 🤝
• Not every avoidant will change, but many do when handled correctly 🌱
• True connection comes from mutual willingness to work on the relationship ❤️

Overview

Chapters

• 00:00 - 01:00: Understanding Avoidant Attachment Style The chapter explores the dynamics of relationships involving individuals with an avoidant attachment style. It discusses the common experience of confusion and frustration encountered when a partner with this attachment style begins to distance themselves, especially when the relationship appears to be progressing well. The chapter aims to define what constitutes an avoidant partner and sheds light on the characteristics associated with this attachment style.
• 01:00 - 04:00: Mary's Story: A Personal Encounter with Avoidant Attachment The chapter titled "Mary's Story: A Personal Encounter with Avoidant Attachment" introduces the concept of attachment styles, particularly focusing on avoidant attachment. Attachment style is a concept from attachment theory, which explores how childhood relationships affect adult romantic relationships. The chapter briefly mentions that there are four main attachment styles. The study of attachment theory has been a focus of research for decades, originating from Cambridge University. Although an infographic is mentioned to illustrate the four major attachment styles, it is not included in the transcript.
• 04:00 - 07:00: Bob's Approach to Supporting Mary This chapter explores attachment styles within relationships, focusing on the dynamics between avoidant and anxious partners and secure partners. It poses the question of whether it's possible to prevent an avoidant partner from withdrawing, emphasizing the importance of understanding what triggers this behavior to avoid a cycle of pursuing and insecurity.
• 07:00 - 10:00: The Key to Preventing Avoidant Withdrawal The chapter discusses a strategy to help individuals with avoidant tendencies feel safe enough to maintain closeness in relationships, while still preserving their autonomy and independence. This approach aims to transform relationship dynamics, fostering deeper connections rather than allowing distance to develop. The chapter begins with a story about an avoidant client to illustrate the concept.

THIS Will Stop the Avoidant From Pulling Away Forever Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 the most people have felt that sting when somebody that we care about or are interested in starts to create distance leaving you feeling confused and questioning what went wrong was it something I did well if you ever been in a relationship dynamic or dated somebody who has an avoidant attachment style you know that it can sometimes be frustrating when they start to pull away just when things seem like they're going really well so what is an avoidant partner you ask well if you're not
• 00:30 - 01:00 familiar it is actually one of four main attachment Styles and an attachment style comes from attachment Theory which is the study of how your relationships as a child impact your adult romantic relationship and there are four attachment Styles and this body of work on attachment theory has been studied for decades and originated out of Cambridge University I'll put a little infographic right here if you are not familiar it shows the four major
• 01:00 - 01:30 attachment Styles the hot and cold partner the very avoidant partner the anxious or clingy partner and our secure stable partner in relationship Dynamics so is there really a way to stop the avoidant partner from pulling away or is it just a lost cause well if you don't understand what triggers an avoidant attachment style to pull away then you might find yourself stuck in this constant cycle of chasing them and feeling more and more insecure with every time that they pull away but if
• 01:30 - 02:00 you stick around by the end of this video I'm going to teach you a key strategy that helps avoidance feel safe enough to feel close but also gives them their freedom and autonomy and Independence which will transform relationship Dynamics in a way that can foster deep connection instead of allow that distance to faster so let me tell you a story about this I want to tell you a story of an avoidant client that I worked with
• 02:00 - 02:30 because as many of you know who watch this channel I have worked in the field of attachment Styles and relationships for the past 10 plus years and saw many many clients now this client we are going to call Mary and Mary was a dismissive avoidant now she was a lovely woman and she never wanted to be vulnerable in relationship so prior to coming in to do the work she would find herself going through these patterns of jumping from a relationship to
• 02:30 - 03:00 relationship over and over again if we looked back into her childhood in traditional dismissive avoidant fashion we would see that she had both parents who were kind of unavailable in her upbringing not really there and if she was too emotional as a kid she would often get shamed or dismissed so she grew up to think okay I have to repress my emotions and disconnect from them and so as an adult of course she didn't want to feel her emotions because she was conditioned for years and years to think that her emotions were bad they were weak they were not okay so when she came
• 03:00 - 03:30 to see me she actually came in because she said she was truly interested in somebody and she was willing to acknowledge that she had this history of pushing people away that she was interested in and then sometimes feeling a little bit regretful about it later and she realized you know the common denominator in a lot of these situations was me because as soon as there would start to be momentum or depth in the relationship I would shut down and panic and I would start to look for all the flaws in a person and make excuses for all the reasons why the relationship couldn't work work but after Decades of
• 03:30 - 04:00 doing this she decided it was time to really take a deeper look at this situation and she knew this about herself and she was ready to work on it which Believe It or Not contrary to popular belief on the internet there are many avoidants who really show up well to do the work so she was dating somebody for a few months who will call Bob and as things started to become more serious she came in and she said I'm starting to feel panicked and when I say serious these were things like Bob wanting to define the relationship and talk about the future and talk about
• 04:00 - 04:30 like maybe moving in together one day and she kept feeling afraid but something that was unique about Bob is that this man was quite secure he had a secure upbringing a secure background and I could tell he was Secure by the way he handled situations like this so one day he and Mary were having a conversation and as he was saying you know do we want to travel next year do we want to plan something fun to do together he could see her starting to withdraw she would often go silent and kind of clam up around conversations
• 04:30 - 05:00 about the future and this is what he basically said to her he said I know you and I know that you like to take your time and move at your own pace and I understand and respect that and in fact I'm interested in you enough and patient enough to go at your pace but I also value my time and I know what I'm looking for and what I need from you is to know that you are willing to grow in the situation I will be patient but I also o need to see effort from your side
• 05:00 - 05:30 I need to know that you are interested in progressing this relationship even if it's overtime and she said that when he said that to her she felt seen she felt considered but she also realized because she felt seen and considered and it wasn't a threat it wasn't criticism that she had the bandwidth all of a sudden to realize yeah like I get why he feels like that and I have to take a look at that and my side of things in this situation as well and then what he did
• 05:30 - 06:00 next I think is what really confirmed with me when I was hearing this information from from Mary how secure he was he proceeded to see his needs through and hold her accountable so for example if she would pull away after they spent the weekend together and it was really vulnerable and they really connected you know one thing that's very common is that in avoidant after like a really connected and vulnerable weekend together that in avoidant has a little
• 06:00 - 06:30 bit of a vulnerability hangover and they need to literally Retreat for for a couple days after and the communication often become sparse but in situations like that he wouldn't put up with that he wouldn't just let this the communication become sparse he would gently call her out every single time she retreated and he would say things like hey you know I know we had a great weekend I know you're doing your own thing but for me I need to know that we're going to check in when are you free to chat later today and because she
• 06:30 - 07:00 was being gently called out and held accountable in a healthy way and because this would happen not from a place of anger and not from a place of Bob building up this frustration because for days at a time she wasn't communicating and he wasn't saying anything no he would communicate in the moment as directly as possible but gently and with respect and with the capacity to see marry the entire time so what is this one thing then that stops an avoidant from pulling away I have exciting news
• 07:00 - 07:30 to share with you today and it is that to celebrate the personal development school's 5year anniversary we are offering 40% off of your first month to our all access pass plus you can enjoy 20% off of my newest book called learning love both of which are all about how to change your attachment style to become securely attached so whether you are looking to improve your relationships personally grow or just develop a lot of emotional Mastery over the way that you feel now is the perfect time to start but hurry because this
• 07:30 - 08:00 offer won't last long so head over to the link below to join today it is the ability for you to express your needs while gently holding the other person's Behavior accountable right it's you being able to say what you're needing does this ensure that every single avoidant attachment style will show up no because it doesn't read the mind of all people but does it help progress the relationship for an avoidant who is willing to grow yes and do you know
• 08:00 - 08:30 what's magical about that what's so important about that is the fact that if you are able to do that you're advocating for yourself you're behind yourself and your own self-esteem will improve as a result of that and you get to vet you get to see is this person willing to do the work with me and in my opinion that's what we should all be looking for in a relationship a relationship isn't about two perfect people getting together a relationship is about people who are imperfect getting together who are willing to see
• 08:30 - 09:00 each other willing to make compromises for each other willing to communicate their needs and look out for each other and support each other in that process and if you are vetting to see when you do communicate your needs does that person show up you're making sure that you're also not jumping into a relationship with somebody who may not be able to and honestly when we do things that way there are far more avoidance who do show up to do the work than you would think but if if somebody's not then you have such a clear answer answer and this allows you
• 09:00 - 09:30 to then decide is this the right relationship for me to be in so I know a lot of you are so scared to advocate for your needs are nervous like what if I do say that I need something and it pushes the person away well then you have to trust that that will be for the right reasons and a perfect a person isn't going to be perfect and meet all of your needs all of the time but you need to see effort you need to see consistency you need to know that they are trying to move in that direction even if it's an imperfect ways so with that being said if you want to do a deeper dive into
• 09:30 - 10:00 your communication and how to really communicate with an avoidant in a way that's likely to get them to see and hear you and respect your needs and want to show up for them I have a course you can check out fully for free for a limited time all about how to communicate individuals from different attachment Styles I will put the link in the description box down below if you want to watch more videos about attachment Styles as a whole and learn a little bit more about the basics you can check out these videos here and thank you so much for watching please subscribe to this channel if you enjoy
• 10:00 - 10:30 today's video and I can't wait to see you in the next one