What I learned from 100 days of rejection | Jia Jiang | TED

Summary

In his TED Talk, Jia Jiang shares his transformational journey through 100 days of rejection, inspired by a childhood memory of emotional distress from being one of the last students to receive a compliment. Fast-forward to adulthood, where his fear of rejection continued to hold him back despite his entrepreneurial aspirations. Jiang discovered "Rejection Therapy," a concept that encourages seeking rejection as a way to desensitize oneself from its pain. Through documenting his experiences, Jiang learned valuable lessons including the power of persistence, the importance of asking "why," and turning rejections into opportunities. Ultimately, Jiang's journey shows that embracing rejection can turn a person's biggest fear into their greatest strength.

Highlights

• Jia Jiang was inspired by a childhood experience to overcome his fear of rejection 😂.
• Bill Gates’ visit to Beijing sparked Jiang's ambition to become a world-changing entrepreneur 🌍.
• The "burger refill" attempt showcased the subtle art of handling rejection with humor and persistence 🍔.
• Jiang's Olympic doughnut request went viral, showcasing the power of bold requests and customer service behavior 🍩.
• Learning to confront rejection head-on led Jia to fulfill his dream of teaching by simply asking 🎓.

Key Takeaways

• Rejection is not the end; it's an opportunity to learn and grow 💪.
• By facing fears head-on, we can desensitize ourselves and find personal growth 😎.
• Understanding the 'why' behind rejection can turn a 'no' into a 'yes' 🤔.
• Persistence in the face of rejection can lead to unexpected achievements 📈.
• Turning rejection into a game or challenge can lessen its sting and offer surprising rewards 🎲.

Overview

When Jia Jiang was six, he faced his first memorable experience with rejection during a class activity that ended with him giftless. This event planted seeds of fear that persisted into his adult life. Although he dreamed of achieving great things, inspired by icons like Bill Gates, Jiang's fear of rejection held him back from realizing his potential.

In his quest to overcome this fear, Jiang stumbled upon Rejection Therapy, where participants seek rejection daily. Through 100 days of his own rejection experiments, Jiang transformed his mindset. His methods included comedic attempts like asking for a 'burger refill,' which, though resulting in rejection, taught him to stay engaged rather than retreat.

One notable success came from asking a doughnut shop for Olympic-ring shaped doughnuts, which led to viral fame. More importantly, through persistence, Jiang achieved deeper personal dreams such as teaching at a university. His journey underscores a transformation where embracing rejection turned it from a fear into an empowering tool for success.

Chapters

• 00:00 - 01:30: Introduction and Childhood Experience The chapter titled 'Introduction and Childhood Experience' explores a formative moment from the narrator's early childhood. At the age of six, the narrator participated in an exercise organized by their innovative first-grade teacher. The activity was designed to teach the joy of giving and receiving gifts and the importance of complimenting one another. Each student was invited to the front of the classroom to engage in this meaningful exchange, marking a memorable experience in the narrator's childhood.
• 01:30 - 03:00: Influence of Bill Gates and Early Ambitions The chapter titled 'Influence of Bill Gates and Early Ambitions' begins with a nostalgic recount of a gathering where gifts were distributed as participants were called by name. The atmosphere was filled with anticipation and excitement, as attendees cheered for each other. However, as the number of uncalled names dwindled from 40 to 20, then to 10, and eventually five, a sense of tension builds, leaving readers to wonder about the ultimate outcome of this unique method of gift distribution and how this experience relates to the influence of Bill Gates and early ambitions.
• 03:00 - 04:30: Moving to the US and Career Stagnation In this chapter, the narrator recounts an experience of moving to the US, highlighting moments in an educational environment where they felt unacknowledged and emotionally impacted. The scene vividly describes a teacher asking classmates to give compliments, reflecting on a moment of vulnerability and lack of recognition, which contributes to feelings of career stagnation. The anecdote is filled with personal emotion, illustrating a formative, yet challenging part of their life journey.
• 04:30 - 06:00: Facing Rejection and Starting His Company The chapter titled 'Facing Rejection and Starting His Company' describes an experience of public rejection during a childhood team-building event. This event, orchestrated by a teacher, inadvertently turned into a mockery aimed at three six-year-old children. The narrator recalls the incident with embarrassment, noting that unlike televised roasts, there was no humor in this situation. This experience profoundly impacted the narrator, instilling a deep aversion to public rejection that would influence future decisions, including the founding of his own company.
• 06:00 - 07:30: Discovering Rejection Therapy The chapter introduces the concept of 'rejection therapy' through an anecdote about the speaker's personal experience. It starts with an eight-year flash forward to when Bill Gates visited the speaker's hometown, Beijing, China. Inspired by Gates' message, the speaker developed a strong admiration for him and realized a new ambition: to build the biggest company in the world and buy Microsoft by age 25. This bold vision was communicated in a letter to their family, reflecting an embrace of the idea of world domination. The chapter sets up the narrative for how encountering inspiring figures can lead to ambitious personal goals and serves as an introduction to the broader theme of rejection therapy.
• 07:30 - 09:00: Day 1 of Rejection Therapy: Asking for $100 In this chapter titled 'Day 1 of Rejection Therapy: Asking for $100,' the author humorously reflects on writing a letter with illegible handwriting, highlighting key words as an attempt to convey the essence. This reflects a previous version of themselves, eager to conquer the world. The narrative then shifts to an opportunity that arises two years later, leading to a significant change in their life when they move to the United States.
• 09:00 - 10:30: Day 2 of Rejection Therapy: Requesting a Burger Refill The speaker reflects on their past ambition and entrepreneurial dreams, highlighted by a youthful letter to Bill Gates, which unfortunately did not materialize into a start-up venture. Instead, at 30, they find themselves as a marketing manager for a Fortune 500 company, feeling stuck and stagnant in their career path, contemplating why their youthful ambition didn't transition into entrepreneurship.
• 10:30 - 12:30: Day 3 of Rejection Therapy: Requesting Olympic Doughnuts The chapter explores the internal conflict experienced by the narrator between ambition and fear of rejection. The narrator describes how this fear, traced back to childhood, has often held them back from pursuing new ideas or speaking up, even in professional settings. This struggle continues despite entrepreneurial ventures, highlighting the deep-seated nature of the fear of rejection.
• 12:30 - 15:00: Learning from Rejection: Turning "No" into "Yes" The chapter discusses the experience of starting a company at 30 and the challenges faced as an entrepreneur. It specifically focuses on an investment opportunity that was rejected, causing initial hurt and discouragement. However, it highlights the importance of resilience and determination, questioning whether successful figures like Bill Gates would quit after facing rejection. The chapter emphasizes learning from rejection and using it as a motivation to persevere and turn a 'no' into a 'yes.'
• 15:00 - 18:00: Fulfilling His Dream of Teaching The chapter 'Fulfilling His Dream of Teaching' delves into the speaker's personal revelation and the transformative moment when he realized the necessity of self-improvement to achieve his goals. Despite previous leadership and entrepreneurial endeavors, he acknowledges a fear rooted in childhood experiences, which was hindering his progress. Determined to overcome this, he takes the practical step of seeking guidance through online resources, specifically around overcoming the fear of rejection. His journey is marked by introspection and the active pursuit of knowledge to become a better leader and fulfill his dream.
• 18:00 - 21:00: Lessons from Historical Figures and Embracing Rejection The chapter discusses the author's exploration into the themes of fear, pain, and rejection. Initially, the author writes motivational content encouraging people to overcome personal insecurities related to fear and rejection. However, realizing that these suggestions are commonplace and somewhat ineffective, the author remains troubled by personal fears. The narrative takes a turn when the author discovers 'Rejection Therapy,' a concept developed by Canadian entrepreneur Jason Comely. This therapy involves actively seeking rejection daily for 30 days as a means to desensitize oneself and overcome the fear associated with being rejected.
• 21:00 - 23:30: Conclusion: Embracing Rejection as a Gift The chapter titled 'Conclusion: Embracing Rejection as a Gift' discusses the concept of using rejection as a tool for personal growth. The speaker shares their experience of intentionally seeking rejection daily to become desensitized to the pain associated with it. They express admiration for the idea and decide to undertake a personal challenge to get rejected for 100 days. The speaker documents their journey and experiences through a video blog, sharing the insights and learnings gained from this exercise.

What I learned from 100 days of rejection | Jia Jiang | TED Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 When I was six years old, I received my gifts. My first grade teacher had this brilliant idea. She wanted us to experience receiving gifts but also learning the virtue of complimenting each other. So she had all of us come to the front of the classroom,
• 00:30 - 01:00 and she bought all of us gifts and stacked them in the corner. And she said, "Why don't we just stand here and compliment each other? If you hear your name called, go and pick up your gift and sit down." What a wonderful idea, right? What could go wrong? (Laughter) Well, there were 40 of us to start with, and every time I heard someone's name called, I would give out the heartiest cheer. And then there were 20 people left, and 10 people left, and five left ...
• 01:00 - 01:30 and three left. And I was one of them. And the compliments stopped. Well, at that moment, I was crying. And the teacher was freaking out. She was like, "Hey, would anyone say anything nice about these people?" (Laughter) "No one? OK, why don't you go get your gift and sit down. So behave next year -- someone might say something nice about you." (Laughter) Well, as I'm describing this you, you probably know I remember this really well.
• 01:30 - 02:00 (Laughter) But I don't know who felt worse that day. Was it me or the teacher? She must have realized that she turned a team-building event into a public roast for three six-year-olds. And without the humor. You know, when you see people get roasted on TV, it was funny. There was nothing funny about that day. So that was one version of me, and I would die to avoid being in that situation again -- to get rejected in public again.
• 02:00 - 02:30 That's one version. Then fast-forward eight years. Bill Gates came to my hometown -- Beijing, China -- to speak, and I saw his message. I fell in love with that guy. I thought, wow, I know what I want to do now. That night I wrote a letter to my family telling them: "By age 25, I will build the biggest company in the world, and that company will buy Microsoft." (Laughter) I totally embraced this idea of conquering the world -- domination, right?
• 02:30 - 03:00 And I didn't make this up, I did write that letter. And here it is -- (Laughter) You don't have to read this through -- (Laughter) This is also bad handwriting, but I did highlight some key words. You get the idea. (Laughter) So ... that was another version of me: one who will conquer the world. Well, then two years later, I was presented with the opportunity to come to the United States.
• 03:00 - 03:30 I jumped on it, because that was where Bill Gates lived, right? (Laughter) I thought that was the start of my entrepreneur journey. Then, fast-forward another 14 years. I was 30. Nope, I didn't build that company. I didn't even start. I was actually a marketing manager for a Fortune 500 company. And I felt I was stuck; I was stagnant. Why is that? Where is that 14-year-old who wrote that letter? It's not because he didn't try.
• 03:30 - 04:00 It's because every time I had a new idea, every time I wanted to try something new, even at work -- I wanted to make a proposal, I wanted to speak up in front of people in a group -- I felt there was this constant battle between the 14-year-old and the six-year-old. One wanted to conquer the world -- make a difference -- another was afraid of rejection. And every time that six-year-old won. And this fear even persisted after I started my own company.
• 04:00 - 04:30 I mean, I started my own company when I was 30 -- if you want to be Bill Gates, you've got to start sooner or later, right? When I was an entrepreneur, I was presented with an investment opportunity, and then I was turned down. And that rejection hurt me. It hurt me so bad that I wanted to quit right there. But then I thought, hey, would Bill Gates quit after a simple investment rejection? Would any successful entrepreneur quit like that?
• 04:30 - 05:00 No way. And this is where it clicked for me. OK, I can build a better company. I can build a better team or better product, but one thing for sure: I've got to be a better leader. I've got to be a better person. I cannot let that six-year-old keep dictating my life anymore. I have to put him back in his place. So this is where I went online and looked for help. Google was my friend. (Laughter) I searched, "How do I overcome the fear of rejection?" I came up with a bunch of psychology articles
• 05:00 - 05:30 about where the fear and pain are coming from. Then I came up with a bunch of "rah-rah" inspirational articles about "Don't take it personally, just overcome it." Who doesn't know that? (Laughter) But why was I still so scared? Then I found this website by luck. It's called rejectiontherapy.com. (Laughter) "Rejection Therapy" was this game invented by this Canadian entrepreneur. His name is Jason Comely. And basically the idea is for 30 days you go out and look for rejection,
• 05:30 - 06:00 and every day get rejected at something, and then by the end, you desensitize yourself from the pain. And I loved that idea. (Laughter) I said, "You know what? I'm going to do this. And I'll feel myself getting rejected 100 days." And I came up with my own rejection ideas, and I made a video blog out of it. And so here's what I did. This is what the blog looked like.
• 06:00 - 06:30 Day One ... (Laughter) Borrow 100 dollars from a stranger. So this is where I went to where I was working. I came downstairs and I saw this big guy sitting behind a desk. He looked like a security guard. So I just approached him. And I was just walking and that was the longest walk of my life -- hair on the back of my neck standing up, I was sweating and my heart was pounding. And I got there and said, "Hey, sir, can I borrow 100 dollars from you?"
• 06:30 - 07:00 (Laughter) And he looked up, he's like, "No." "Why?" And I just said, "No? I'm sorry." Then I turned around, and I just ran. (Laughter) I felt so embarrassed. But because I filmed myself -- so that night I was watching myself getting rejected, I just saw how scared I was. I looked like this kid in "The Sixth Sense." I saw dead people. (Laughter) But then I saw this guy. You know, he wasn't that menacing.
• 07:00 - 07:30 He was a chubby, loveable guy, and he even asked me, "Why?" In fact, he invited me to explain myself. And I could've said many things. I could've explained, I could've negotiated. I didn't do any of that. All I did was run. I felt, wow, this is like a microcosm of my life. Every time I felt the slightest rejection, I would just run as fast as I could. And you know what? The next day, no matter what happens, I'm not going to run.
• 07:30 - 08:00 I'll stay engaged. Day Two: Request a "burger refill." (Laughter) It's when I went to a burger joint, I finished lunch, and I went to the cashier and said, "Hi, can I get a burger refill?" (Laughter) He was all confused, like, "What's a burger refill?" (Laughter) I said, "Well, it's just like a drink refill but with a burger." And he said, "Sorry, we don't do burger refill, man." (Laughter) So this is where rejection happened and I could have run, but I stayed.
• 08:00 - 08:30 I said, "Well, I love your burgers, I love your joint, and if you guys do a burger refill, I will love you guys more." (Laughter) And he said, "Well, OK, I'll tell my manager about it, and maybe we'll do it, but sorry, we can't do this today." Then I left. And by the way, I don't think they've ever done burger refill. (Laughter) I think they're still there. But the life and death feeling I was feeling the first time was no longer there, just because I stayed engaged -- because I didn't run.
• 08:30 - 09:00 I said, "Wow, great, I'm already learning things. Great." And then Day Three: Getting Olympic Doughnuts. This is where my life was turned upside down. I went to a Krispy Kreme. It's a doughnut shop in mainly the Southeastern part of the United States. I'm sure they have some here, too. And I went in, I said, "Can you make me doughnuts that look like Olympic symbols? Basically, you interlink five doughnuts together ... " I mean there's no way they could say yes, right? The doughnut maker took me so seriously.
• 09:00 - 09:30 (Laughter) So she put out paper, started jotting down the colors and the rings, and is like, "How can I make this?" And then 15 minutes later, she came out with a box that looked like Olympic rings. And I was so touched. I just couldn't believe it. And that video got over five million views on Youtube. The world couldn't believe that either. (Laughter) You know, because of that I was in newspapers,
• 09:30 - 10:00 in talk shows, in everything. And I became famous. A lot of people started writing emails to me and saying, "What you're doing is awesome." But you know, fame and notoriety did not do anything to me. What I really wanted to do was learn, and to change myself. So I turned the rest of my 100 days of rejection into this playground -- into this research project. I wanted to see what I could learn. And then I learned a lot of things. I discovered so many secrets. For example, I found if I just don't run,
• 10:00 - 10:30 if I got rejected, I could actually turn a "no" into a "yes," and the magic word is, "why." So one day I went to a stranger's house, I had this flower in my hand, knocked on the door and said, "Hey, can I plant this flower in your backyard?" (Laughter) And he said, "No." But before he could leave I said, "Hey, can I know why?" And he said, "Well, I have this dog that would dig up anything I put in the backyard. I don't want to waste your flower. If you want to do this, go across the street and talk to Connie.
• 10:30 - 11:00 She loves flowers." So that's what I did. I went across and knocked on Connie's door. And she was so happy to see me. (Laughter) And then half an hour later, there was this flower in Connie's backyard. I'm sure it looks better now. (Laughter) But had I left after the initial rejection, I would've thought, well, it's because the guy didn't trust me, it's because I was crazy, because I didn't dress up well, I didn't look good. It was none of those. It was because what I offered did not fit what he wanted.
• 11:00 - 11:30 And he trusted me enough to offer me a referral, using a sales term. I converted a referral. Then one day -- and I also learned that I can actually say certain things and maximize my chance to get a yes. So for example, one day I went to a Starbucks, and asked the manager, "Hey, can I be a Starbucks greeter?" He was like, "What's a Starbucks greeter?" I said, "Do you know those Walmart greeters? You know, those people who say 'hi' to you before you walk in the store, and make sure you don't steal stuff, basically? I want to give a Walmart experience to Starbucks customers."
• 11:30 - 12:00 (Laughter) Well, I'm not sure that's a good thing, actually -- Actually, I'm pretty sure it's a bad thing. And he was like, "Oh" -- yeah, this is how he looked, his name is Eric -- and he was like, "I'm not sure." This is how he was hearing me. "Not sure." Then I ask him, "Is that weird?" He's like, "Yeah, it's really weird, man." But as soon as he said that, his whole demeanor changed. It's as if he's putting all the doubt on the floor. And he said, "Yeah, you can do this,
• 12:00 - 12:30 just don't get too weird." (Laughter) So for the next hour I was the Starbucks greeter. I said "hi" to every customer that walked in, and gave them holiday cheers. By the way, I don't know what your career trajectory is, don't be a greeter. (Laughter) It was really boring. But then I found I could do this because I mentioned, "Is that weird?" I mentioned the doubt that he was having. And because I mentioned, "Is that weird?", that means I wasn't weird. That means I was actually thinking just like him,
• 12:30 - 13:00 seeing this as a weird thing. And again, and again, I learned that if I mention some doubt people might have before I ask the question, I gained their trust. People were more likely to say yes to me. And then I learned I could fulfill my life dream ... by asking. You know, I came from four generations of teachers, and my grandma has always told me, "Hey Jia, you can do anything you want, but it'd be great if you became a teacher." (Laughter) But I wanted to be an entrepreneur, so I didn't.
• 13:00 - 13:30 But it has always been my dream to actually teach something. So I said, "What if I just ask and teach a college class?" I lived in Austin at the time, so I went to University of Texas at Austin and knocked on professors' doors and said, "Can I teach your class?" I didn't get anywhere the first couple of times. But because I didn't run -- I kept doing it -- and on the third try the professor was very impressed. He was like, "No one has done this before." And I came in prepared with powerpoints and my lesson.
• 13:30 - 14:00 He said, "Wow, I can use this. Why don't you come back in two months? I'll fit you in my curriculum." And two months later I was teaching a class. This is me -- you probably can't see, this is a bad picture. You know, sometimes you get rejected by lighting, you know? (Laughter) But wow -- when I finished teaching that class, I walked out crying, because I thought I could fulfill my life dream just by simply asking. I used to think I have to accomplish all these things -- have to be a great entrepreneur, or get a PhD to teach --
• 14:00 - 14:30 but no, I just asked, and I could teach. And in that picture, which you can't see, I quoted Martin Luther King, Jr. Why? Because in my research I found that people who really change the world, who change the way we live and the way we think, are the people who were met with initial and often violent rejections. People like Martin Luther King, Jr., like Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, or even Jesus Christ. These people did not let rejection define them.
• 14:30 - 15:00 They let their own reaction after rejection define themselves. And they embraced rejection. And we don't have to be those people to learn about rejection, and in my case, rejection was my curse, was my boogeyman. It has bothered me my whole life because I was running away from it. Then I started embracing it. I turned that into the biggest gift in my life. I started teaching people how to turn rejections into opportunities.
• 15:00 - 15:30 I use my blog, I use my talk, I use the book I just published, and I'm even building technology to help people overcome their fear of rejection. When you get rejected in life, when you are facing the next obstacle or next failure, consider the possibilities. Don't run. If you just embrace them, they might become your gifts as well. Thank you. (Applause)