Whats Wrong With Living An Ordinary Life? - Alain de Botton

Summary

In this insightful discussion, Alain de Botton explores the societal obsession with being extraordinary and the inherent pressures it brings. He criticizes the judgmental nature of modern society, where an individual’s worth is often measured by their financial success rather than their character. De Botton highlights the dangers of this narrow viewpoint, suggesting that it fosters low self-esteem and mental health issues as individuals strive to meet unrealistic expectations. He advocates for the acceptance of ordinary lives, emphasizing the substantial joy and fulfillment they can bring, and challenges the idea that only exceptional achievements are worthy of respect and love.

Highlights

• Society often judges individuals based on material success, which can be misleading and damaging. 💼
• The obsession with achieving extraordinary success has created a culture of self-torture and low self-esteem. 🏆
• Most people are destined to lead ordinary lives, and this should be celebrated, not seen as a failure. 🎉
• Denmark serves as a model society that embraces the so-called 'losers', emphasizing a community where everyone's needs are met. 🇩🇰
• Mental wellness is at risk due to the unrealistic expectations of having to lead extraordinary lives. 🧠

Key Takeaways

• The pressure to be extraordinary stems from societal values that prioritize financial success over genuine self-worth. 🤑
• Ordinary lives can offer genuine joy and fulfillment if we learn to accept them without societal pressures. 🌼
• The modern obsession with extraordinary success often leads to mental health issues and low self-esteem. 😔
• It's important to recognize the value and beauty of ordinary, everyday experiences and comforts. 🛋️
• Acceptance of failure and the 'ordinary' can lead to healthier, happier lives, free from the unrealistic pressures of modern society. 💪

Overview

In a world obsessed with success, Alain de Botton argues that the definition of success has become dangerously narrow, focusing on financial achievements as a key determinant of a person's worth. This societal bias leads many to overlook the intrinsic value of leading an 'ordinary' life, which can be filled with contentment and fulfillment if we allow ourselves to redefine success on more personal and meaningful terms.

De Botton highlights the risks of living in a world that equates extravagance with esteem. It's not about the material possessions per se, but the desire for respect and love they supposedly command. This desire for external validation can lead to a cycle of low self-esteem and unfulfilled aspirations, as most people inevitably find themselves leading lives that are statistically ordinary—a fact society deems unfavorable.

He critiques the impact of cultural messages that promise boundless potential and success, which can trap individuals in a perpetual state of inadequacy. Alain advocates for a societal shift towards embracing ordinary joys and accepting failures. He underscores that happiness and love are found in simple, everyday moments and gestures, and that an ordinary life, far from being defective, is rich with silent beauty and warmth.

Whats Wrong With Living An Ordinary Life? - Alain de Botton Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 you know the first question we're likely to encounter in a new uh uh meeting with somebody is what do you do and according to how you answer that question you'll either be you know praised and become a subject of interest or you'll be left alone by the peanuts and this suggests to me that we live in a world of snobs and a snob is really anyone who takes a small part of you and uses that to come to a universal and rigid sense of who you are and how much you matter
• 00:30 - 01:00 and the kind of snobbery that is dominant in the world today is not around bloodlines or lineage or your closeness to the queen of england as it used to be but what job you have and in particular how impressive your powers of financial accumulation are and according to that criteria people will judge you immediately so it's sometimes said that we live in a materialistic world i don't think we live in a materialistic world we simply live in a world where material accumulation has become the gateway to the respect and love that we all crave
• 01:00 - 01:30 it's not really the riches and the you know fast cars etc that we crave it's it's the honor and love if you like that they are a conduit too that they are perhaps the only conduit too and that's that's a different way of looking at so-called greed you know the next time you drive those time you walk down the road you see somebody driving a ferrari don't think this is somebody who's greedy who's materialistic think first and foremost this is somebody with an incredibly intense need for love who
• 01:30 - 02:00 has not been able to find the honor and respect they need in normal ways and therefore you know they're needing so much more stuff in order to feel they have the right to exist if you can deal with just riding a bike through town and that's okay something's gone right in your past if you're a parent and your child has no ambition to become famous you're doing something right because that means that that person is able to deal with being them without too
• 02:00 - 02:30 much other stuff i think one of the most beautiful but also dangerous ideas it's an american idea is the notion that anyone can achieve anything right um and we hear these messages from everywhere that is the spirit of our times it's a beautiful message but it's a dangerous message because if you really believe in a world where you can do anything and you've only done a bit you've only done something my goodness how crushed you will feel the possibilities for humiliation are so much greater now you
• 02:30 - 03:00 know if you go to an american bookshop and you look at the self-help section there are basically two kinds of books on that shelf um the first kind is books telling you how to make a million dollars in in in an afternoon and the other books are books telling you how to cope with what they call low self-esteem and the two are totally related if you live in a culture that's telling you how to make a million dollars in an afternoon you can have a massive self-esteem problem because how can you achieve esteem of yourself when you're going to be part of the 99 not the 1
• 03:00 - 03:30 most of us are going to have an ordinary life so what have we done building a world in which an ordinary life is not good enough this is crazy this is a form of self-torture we've now created a life where an ordinary life is materially more comfortable than it's ever been an ordinary life you're going to get a good car you're going to be able to have a bath every night you're going to have a roof over your head you're going to have pretty nourishing food right so materially an ordinary life is terrific but then we've put a snake in the grass we've ruined paradise that we've built
• 03:30 - 04:00 and our ancestors have built for ourselves by telling ourselves that actually contrary to everything we hoped for actually an ordinary life is psychologically not good enough it's not good enough just to drive an ordinary car and have an ordinary house and have an ordinary bath once a day and have an ordinary meal no that's not good enough you need to be extraordinary become mark zuckerberg become somebody else right this is a kind of torture that we've imposed on ourselves we're insane how have we made a life where the the statistical odds of you
• 04:00 - 04:30 leading that life the 99 surety that you will lead that life has come to seem like a humiliation and the wrong sort of life this is setting yourself up for disaster you know the danish are clever the danes have built a society for themselves i was in denmark recently they've built a society for losers right they have understood unlike the americans or the brits that most of us are going to be losers so they've made sure that schools for losers are going to be fantastic and
• 04:30 - 05:00 trains for losers are going to be beautiful and kindergarten's for losers i'm using the word loser with irony i'm using the word loser to define actually all of us the 99 are going to be we are all of us almost fated and in every area in every area of life we will encounter failure we're fated to be ordinary and an ordinary life is a good life and let's not torture ourselves that the only way to be good enough is to be extraordinary this is poison
• 05:00 - 05:30 there's a famous line from the movie called patton where george patton is a general of patton's on stage and he says americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser and you know i grew up there and it's all about that it's like what have you done that's the way you're going to be judged sure and look you know don't get me wrong a bit of ambition is fantastic a bit of get up and go is fantastic we're not in any danger of being unambitious the danger now is suicide i i'm putting
• 05:30 - 06:00 it at its darkest the danger is that we will feel so inadequate in relation to the expectations placed upon us that we may choose to end our own lives and this happens in huge numbers right we are suffering from an epidemic of mental unwellness largely bred by the expectation that our lives will be stellar when in fact they are far more likely only to be ordinary our lack of acceptance of ourselves has made us sick so we don't need any more
• 06:00 - 06:30 reminders from general patton or anyone else to get up and go and be a winner we know that that's in our dna now as modern human beings we've had that message and it's making us sick we know it's so well we know it too well and we need to hear another message and that message is you're okay it's okay it's okay to fail it's okay to be ordinary it's okay not to know what's going on it's okay to be lost in a universe most of whose recesses will always be darkness to us
• 06:30 - 07:00 that's all of it okay and joy is not going to be making 10 million dollars joy is going to be a drink with a friend joy is going to be a meal that turns out okay joy is going to be a day at the end of which no one's died there's been no crisis it's been more or less all right love is not going to be perfection love is going to be occasionally a hand held by somebody who understands bits of you never the whole of you but has charity towards your darkest moments you know that is the life we're going to lead and let that be
• 07:00 - 07:30 okay [Music]