Why you're so anxious with your girlfriend

Summary

In this engaging discussion, Hamza shares his personal journey with anxiety in romantic relationships, dissecting the feelings of insecurity and distrust he faced in two significant relationships. He delves into the concept of attachment styles, focusing on the anxious attachment style, how one's childhood can influence adult relationships, and the importance of effective communication. Through his candid storytelling, Hamza aims to provide insights and lessons from his experiences to help viewers better navigate their own relationships and avoid the pitfalls of anxious attachment. He emphasizes the significance of authenticity and self-awareness in finding a compatible partner, while also stressing the importance of building a supportive community.

Highlights

• Hamza opens up about his first relationship and the anxiety he felt. 📖
• He recounts his struggles with trust and the gut feeling of betrayal. 😟
• Hamza discusses how childhood experiences shape adult relationships. 🧒
• He emphasizes the importance of understanding your attachment style. 🔍
• Hamza shares insights on effective communication in relationships. 🗣️
• He advises on being authentic and honest from the start of a relationship. 💡
• Hamza talks about the importance of having a supportive community. 👫
• Neuroplasticity shows we can change our attachment behaviors over time. 📚

Key Takeaways

• Authenticity in a relationship is key to finding a compatible partner. 🎯
• Understanding your attachment style can help prevent heartbreak. 💔
• Effective communication is crucial for resolving conflicts. 📢
• Building a supportive community can help you overcome relationship anxiety. 🤝
• Being aware of your needs and expressing them is important for a healthy relationship. 💬

Overview

Hamza begins by recounting his first serious relationship at 19, detailing the deep bond and subsequent anxiety he felt over potential infidelity. Despite finding no immediate evidence, his gut feeling drove him to confront his girlfriend, uncovering painful truths about her past. This emotional turmoil highlighted his insecure attachment style, prompting him to explore its psychological roots.

The discussion shifts to understanding attachment styles, focusing on the anxious type, which often leads to overthinking and a need for constant reassurance. Hamza delves into how childhood impacts adult relationships, arguing that early experiences with caregivers shape our emotional responses to intimate partners. He stresses that recognizing these patterns is crucial for personal growth and relationship success.

Hamza advocates for openness and authenticity in relationships, arguing against the toxic behaviors promoted in some dating advice. He underscores the importance of expressing true feelings and needs to find partners who genuinely align with one's values. Additionally, Hamza highlights the value of building a supportive community to improve overall emotional well-being and relationship satisfaction.

Chapters

• 00:00 - 01:00: Introduction The narrator reflects on their first romantic relationship at the age of 19, highlighting the deep emotional bond and attachment formed with their first girlfriend. They recount the long period of communication before physical intimacy and emphasize the significance of this experience as the first time they opened up to someone. The chapter ends with the narrator mentioning a gut feeling of something being amiss in the relationship.
• 01:00 - 05:00: Anxiety and Gut Feelings The chapter 'Anxiety and Gut Feelings' explores the complex relationship between one’s intuition and anxiety, particularly in the context of trust within a romantic relationship. The narrator describes their struggle with persistent negative thoughts and suspicions about their partner's fidelity. This internal conflict leads to a moment of impulsivity where the narrator decides to check on their partner without prior notice, indicating the overpowering nature of these anxious thoughts. The chapter delves into how gut feelings can sometimes be entangled with anxiety, creating challenges in distinguishing between valid intuitions and irrational fears.
• 05:00 - 10:00: Relationship Issues The narrator feels anxious about visiting someone's place, driven by a gut feeling and expecting to encounter something terrible. Despite being apprehensive, they rationalize their approach by planning to say their text didn't send. As they walk towards the building, they are overwhelmed by anxiety and shallow breathing, reflecting on the same pain they feel when recalling the moment. The chapter captures the narrator's internal struggle and anticipation of witnessing something distressing.
• 10:00 - 15:00: Discovering the Truth The narrator gains access to a building with the help of someone pressing the key fob for them. They proceed to their girlfriend's flat, where about 10 people are living. Upon reaching their girlfriend's room, the narrator is concerned about possibly finding another person inside. To their surprise, when their girlfriend opens the door, she is shocked to see them.
• 15:00 - 20:00: Breakup and Reflection The chapter titled 'Breakup and Reflection' delves into a personal story of a narrator who expresses a 'weird awkward personality' due to an expectation of encountering another man with their girlfriend. The narrator arrives unannounced, leading to a moment of surprise for the girlfriend who had anticipated a prior text message. Despite not finding anyone there, the narrator cannot shake off a persistent gut feeling, highlighting an ongoing sense of anxiety and suspicion within the relationship.
• 20:00 - 25:00: The Impact of Attachment Styles In this chapter, the narrator recounts an event from six years ago where they acted on a gut feeling about their partner. They describe demanding to see their partner's phone due to an instinctual feeling that something was 'off.' The narrator acknowledges this action as a past behavior that they've since changed, highlighting the influence of attachment styles on their actions. The chapter might delve into how attachment styles affect trust and behavior in relationships.
• 25:00 - 30:00: Anxious Attachment Style The chapter explores the emotional turmoil and instinctual reactions associated with anxious attachment styles. It describes a personal experience of finding a non-threatening message on a partner's phone, which nonetheless triggers a strong, primal sense of unease and tension, highlighting the internal conflict inherent in these attachment issues. The narrative touches on the gap between rational understanding and emotional response in such situations.
• 30:00 - 35:00: Impact of Childhood on Attachment Styles The chapter examines how childhood experiences shape attachment styles in adulthood. It illustrates the impact through a narrative involving a conversation about perceived misogyny and control in relationships. A story is shared about a woman being questioned about her past interactions, emphasizing themes of trust and suspicion within relationships. Through this dialogue, the chapter highlights how past childhood experiences may influence current relationship dynamics and attachment styles.
• 35:00 - 40:00: Improving Attachment Style In the chapter titled 'Improving Attachment Style,' the speaker reflects on personal experiences concerning attachment and emotional vulnerabilities. They discuss the complexities of emotional connections, drawing from a past relationship where differences in sexual and emotional history led to an imbalance in attachment. The speaker emphasizes the challenges of managing feelings when one partner has significantly fewer prior emotional connections than the other, leading them to explore ways to improve their approach to forming attachments.
• 40:00 - 45:00: The Role of Neuroplasticity This chapter delves into the emotional turmoil experienced during a relationship when one was 19 years old. The speaker reflects on feelings of hurt and confusion stemming from suspicion and anxiety. They repeatedly question if their partner has been involved with someone else, emphasizing their partner's insistence that nothing occurred. This narrative is against the backdrop of neuroplasticity, suggesting that these experiences impact and are processed by the brain, highlighting the emotional and cognitive adaptations during youthful relationships.
• 45:00 - 50:00: The Importance of Secure Relationships In this chapter, the focus is on the significance of maintaining secure relationships. It delves into personal experiences of stress and anxiety caused by distrust and overthinking in relationships. The individual describes their compulsive need to check their partner's phone and constant questioning about interactions with others. This behavior stems from insecurity and a lack of trust, which highlights the crucial need for trust and security to foster healthy relationships.
• 50:00 - 55:00: Co-regulation and Attachment In a tense and emotionally charged moment, the narrator confronts a significant other, repeatedly asking if they have been unfaithful. Despite lacking concrete evidence and relying primarily on their intuition, the narrator insists on an honest answer, threatening to end the relationship if they are lied to again. Ultimately, the significant other admits to the transgression, confirming the narrator's suspicions.
• 55:00 - 60:00: Dating Strategies and Authenticity This chapter delves into the intersection of dating strategies and authenticity, highlighting personal experiences of suspicion and emotional turmoil. The narrator shares an intense moment of confronting a partner on a video call, driven by a gut feeling of betrayal. Despite lacking concrete evidence, they feel compelled to demand honesty, illustrating the struggle between intuition and trust in relationships.
• 60:00 - 65:00: Redefining Relationship Goals The chapter 'Redefining Relationship Goals' discusses a situation where the speaker confronts someone who has lied multiple times. The emotional impact of the situation is highlighted when the speaker describes feeling a profound and primal pain upon discovering the truth. In response to the betrayal, the speaker takes decisive action by blocking the individual on multiple communication platforms, signifying a complete severance of the relationship and a redefinition of what is acceptable in their personal connections.
• 65:00 - 70:00: Authenticity in Relationships The chapter discusses a roller-coaster of emotions experienced in a relationship ending. The speaker recounts a moment of intense emotion when they unblocked their partner to break up with her. Both parties are in distress, with apologies exchanged and feelings of hurt expressed. The speaker demands their partner to erase all memories of their relationship, showcasing a desire for a clean break and the emotional turmoil that follows such decisions. The chapter highlights the challenges of authenticity in relationships when faced with conflict and hurt emotions.
• 70:00 - 75:00: The Pitfalls of Dating Advice The chapter discusses the pitfalls of dating advice, particularly the impact of social media on relationships. It highlights personal experiences of the speaker, who regrets his choices and actions in his first relationship. With the influence of Facebook, the absence of shared pictures signifies a lack of lasting connection, leading to eventual breakup and emotional disconnect.
• 75:00 - 80:00: Navigating Conflicts in Relationships The chapter explores the dynamics of a relationship characterized by ongoing conflicts and mistrust. The narrator feels fragile and hurt, leading to repeated questioning about the partner's interactions with others. Despite the partner's consistent denials of wrongdoing, past lies have created a foundation of suspicion, making it difficult for the narrator to believe in her assurances. This cycle of doubt and reassurance perpetuates the conflict within the relationship, illustrating the challenge of navigating trust and honesty between partners.
• 80:00 - 85:00: The Value of Effective Communication This chapter, "The Value of Effective Communication," delves into a personal dialogue highlighting the pitfalls of dishonesty in relationships. The narrative explores a situation where one partner is repeatedly cornered about past infidelities and is warned of the consequences of continued deceit. The chapter underscores the importance of truthfulness and communication in maintaining trust and preventing conflicts.
• 85:00 - 90:00: Anxious Attachment in Relationships This chapter explores key aspects of anxious attachment within relationships, highlighting the fear and insecurity often present. The transcript records a conversation revealing obsessive questioning and concerns about fidelity and safe sex, illustrating the anxiety and lack of trust that can accompany such attachment styles. The relentless questioning about condom use underlines a repetitive assurance-seeking behavior, reflecting deeper emotional unrest and the constant need for reassurance typical in anxiously attached partners.
• 90:00 - 95:00: Building Healthy Relationship Habits The chapter explores the complexities of dealing with distress in relationships, highlighting a personal story where the speaker experiences turmoil and mistrust. Despite the pain and distrust, the speaker paradoxically seeks comfort from the very person causing the emotional strain, as she represents both safety and love for him. This scenario underpins the challenging dynamics that can form in close relationships and how they influence one's actions and emotional state.
• 95:00 - 100:00: Conclusion and Self-Reflection The chapter 'Conclusion and Self-Reflection' delves into the narrator's experience of being hurt by someone they were closely attached to, highlighting their inability to recognize the need for a lesson to be learned from the situation. It reflects on a period a year after a breakup, with the narrator looking back at the events and processes of healing and return to normalcy after the relationship ended.

Why you're so anxious with your girlfriend Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 when I was 19 years old I got my first girlfriend and I fell deeply in love with her like we spoke for months before we had ever got an intimate together and she was the first girl that I ever opened up and that I had sex with and everything right so it was like a deep bonding experience a deep attachment and then I started to get some kind of gut feeling something was going on and as a man even for women like you
• 00:30 - 01:00 know you've got feelings never wrong and I was like to be filled with anxiety with these negative thoughts that maybe she's cheating she is cheating she is cheating she's probably with a guy right now and so I remember a particular day where we lived kind of close to each other like we were at University and she was in one student Halls like accommodation building and I was in another and one day I didn't even text her to say that I was coming I just walked over
• 01:00 - 01:30 to her place just kind of like almost coping thinking like yeah you know when I see her I'll just say like oh yeah my text didn't send or something I said I was coming over or something but expecting to see something horrible and the gut feeling was like I feel it today I still look back to this moment I can feel the same pain and I'm walking towards her place with total anxiety shallow breath I walk into her building and I actually get let into like the first part of the building where usually
• 01:30 - 02:00 you need like a key fob but someone was stood outside so they just pressed it for me and then I go to her flat where there's like 10 people living and she's got like a room there I just knock on and another girl opens it who's like her flatmate and you know she recognizes me so she just lets me in whatever and I'm literally right outside of my girlfriend's room and she doesn't know I'm there and I knock on the door genuinely expecting there to be another guy in there and she opens it she's shocked to see me
• 02:00 - 02:30 and I've got like you know this weird kind of probably this weird awkward personality because I'm literally expecting to see like another man [ __ ] my girlfriend and there wasn't there's no one there she was kind of shocked to see me because she expected me to like text her first and I'd love to tell you that the story stops here and I was like you know okay you know I was just feeling a bit anxious but the gut feeling was still there
• 02:30 - 03:00 it was there and I knew that I was not wrong with this so I asked her I didn't even ask her I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not proud of this this was a good like six years ago so I've changed now but I made her show me her phone because I just knew that there was something you could just tell like that gut feeling is never wrong that's from billions of years of evolution it is not wrong and she's still feeling weird about it wait what's this what no no no like whatever but then eventually you know she passes me her phone and I start to look through the messages and
• 03:00 - 03:30 it's just right there a message between her and and some guy they're just talking about like you know like casual stuff and my heart beating fast and I'm like literally like I'm barely even breathing I'm just stood there awkwardly with tension through my body like reading this this message on a phone and nothing's like sexual or anything but there's still some kind of like evolutionary Primal FEMA feeling inside of me that this is wrong and so many people on like you know online would say
• 03:30 - 04:00 like oh yeah you're a misogynist you're controlling and stuff this is you know she's she contextual who she wants and then I asked her the question have you ever slept with this guy before and she hasn't that's what she told me no no of course no no no no I'm not no he's just like a guy from my hometown he was just asking me how I was doing in University because he thinks he might come to this University soon or something I promise you haven't slept with him
• 04:00 - 04:30 because you can't be messaging guys that you've you've previously had sex with you Khan bear in mind an extra part of me feeling so emotional and vulnerable was that literally I was I was 19 she was a few years older than me so she had had like two boyfriends and two hookups before me like we spoke about this she was my everything like sexually emotionally whereas I was the fifth guy that she had pair bonded with she was my everything I was her 20.
• 04:30 - 05:00 this is why it hurts so much more this is why I felt so wrong and I just ask again and again and again like how do you know him like you've kissed him before no no we've done nothing we've done nothing 100 she is certain she is adamant she's like you know fully telling me the truth they've done nothing the next few weeks of this relationship that I had you know when I was 19 years old in University
• 05:00 - 05:30 the most stressful anxious times of my life constant distrust overthinking you know just these like like dirty thoughts in my mind of like what she's doing constantly wanting to check up when I'm looking through her phone and constantly just asking like so wait who is this guy that guy that you message you message you again how about this is he one of the guys that you had to hook up with because I know he's not one of your previous boyfriends but like is he one of the no no no no no no no no no no
• 05:30 - 06:00 you know she's like trying to make me feel better till eventually I just keep asking the same question with no other data or proof or anything like that other than just my gut feeling have you slept with him just tell me the truth because if you lie to me again I will leave forever and that's when she nods her head and says yes
• 06:00 - 06:30 back back gut punch like that dry throat literally heart tearing feeling that I felt then I remember this was on a video call and I was here in this house in the garage and like we have like a home gym and I was just sat on the bench like you know almost like literally bullying her into saying like tell me the truth I know like I I can feel it inside I know that he you've he's someone that you've had sex with before and you can't like you've told me so many times you've you've lied so many times I had no proof of this other than just my gut feeling
• 06:30 - 07:00 you've lied so many times and just seeing her her like sort of head of bow down in shame and when she told me I lit bro I put like my my phone like on the video camera like down like this and I literally had like some kind of like [ __ ] like weird face for a few seconds of total Primal pain straight afterwards I pressed hung up I went on to WhatsApp I blocked it I went into I I message blocked her FaceTime blocked Instagram blocked her Facebook blocked I blocked it from everything
• 07:00 - 07:30 and literally less than five minutes later I unblocked her from everything crying and stuff and just angry and everything and I tell her yeah I'm breaking up with you and everything and she's crying and she's so upset she's I'm so sorry I've hurt you and everything that I tell her I command her go through your phone right now and delete every single picture that we have together every single one go do it right now go delete them from Instagram go delete
• 07:30 - 08:00 them from Facebook every single one and I do the exact same thing my first ever relationship the first ever woman that I pair bonded with the first ever woman that I fell in love with is absolutely zero pictures of us together and I wanted again to block her after this and to break up entirely but
• 08:00 - 08:30 feeling so fragile and so hurt pushed me towards her even more and so this wasn't the end of the relationship it literally carried on like this and I'm telling you right now there's a few more like instances of the exact same thing of like you know me asking about this guy or that guy or this moment or this and she's adamant to telling me yeah no no it's not like that not like that not like that and I'm telling them like this can't be one of the times that you lied because you lied to me before and you said this
• 08:30 - 09:00 exact thing before that you're not lying so are you lying again no no I'm not I'm not I'm not you prom you said that you had only slept with this guy once is that the truth yeah only once it was just this one time it was a mistake it was a mistake it was just one time and then imagine literally a whole month later I'm again pressuring her bullying her I can tell that it wasn't just one time how many times was it don't lie to me this if you lie to me again I'll leave completely and again the exact same thing she
• 09:00 - 09:30 breaks down yeah it was loads of times I slept with the guy that I was messaging whilst I was with you loads of times then my obsessions about did you use a condom and that's what I'm asking yes yes of course every time every time every time and then literally a month later weeks later I keep asking don't [ __ ] lie to me how many times of all the times you slept with him how many times did you not use a condom
• 09:30 - 10:00 all of them I was an absolute wreck through these months when this was happening and worst of all the pain of this relationship of this distrust of this it was causing me in a weird way to run towards her because she was my my safety my love at the same time
• 10:00 - 10:30 I was being hurt by the very woman that I couldn't stop running towards because we had formed an attachment I didn't learn my lesson I didn't know there was a lesson two we learned and so a whole one year later you know this girlfriend's like gone and stuff okay so we broke up and everything's you know back to normal and
• 10:30 - 11:00 back to being single and stuff and one year later I fall in love with what goes on to be essentially my my second girlfriend and I still remember this one very particularly in 2018 on Christmas Day Christmas Day we were gonna spend Christmas together and I'm in her room in our student accommodation and she goes onto Facebook for whatever reason like Facebook Messenger like this was back a little while ago a few years ago when people
• 11:00 - 11:30 use Facebook to message instead of like WhatsApp or whatever and she goes onto Facebook Messenger and my friend's name is the I'm not even I'm not lying to you my friend's name is there and that could have been fine you know I literally could have just been like oh Merry Christmas okay yeah fair enough whatever and as soon as I see it I say like oh what has he missed it I won't say his name or what what did what is he message you about what have you guys spoke about she literally does this she sees that I saw that message and she
• 11:30 - 12:00 goes no he's not no no what are you talking about she I literally saw her in front of me literally swipe and delete the message and then she's like fully like believing she fully believed the fact that the message wasn't there to begin with now any amount of respect would just see that be like what the [ __ ] yeah I'm leaving I'm like we're done but I wasn't a man who who knew anything about life at this point
• 12:00 - 12:30 and so you know I'm probably shocked I'm like Angry like emotional why did you do that no and she's like Adam but she's fully adamant to the point that you know like I can't help but to believe her a little bit even though that's stupid and like she literally deleted a message from my friend they were talking about who knows what foreign
• 12:30 - 13:00 right and we were in 2018 I never trusted her again I promise you I never trusted her again and I continued dating her for two years after this we lived together for over a year we literally got an apartment together I couldn't trust her I hated her I
• 13:00 - 13:30 resented her I was so angry and all of these negative emotions again pushed me towards the very woman who was causing them because there was something inside of me that needed to be healed now you could hear the story and lots of men will and think yeah yeah women and women ain't [ __ ] but I think it's a masculine man it's important that we take 100 responsibility and we look at ourselves how in what way was I causing this stuff
• 13:30 - 14:00 how in what way was I attracting like these kinds of women who were acting like this and it comes down to something called attachment styles and if you can understand attachment Styles you'll be able to avoid a lot of heartbreak that I personally went through and I my hope with this is that I've been through some very painful dating experiences that I can look back and almost be shocked at how I went through them without any level of knowledge My Hope Is that you can learn from my mistakes so that you can save
• 14:00 - 14:30 yourself from some pain and end up like surpassing me in your growth so I want you to answer some questions right now so that we know this is relevant for you there's just quickly there's three attachment Styles and the one that I'm just going to teach you about is called the anxious attachment style this whole video will just be about the anxious attachment style because that's what I have to answer these questions right do you obsessively think about her even when you should focus on other things
• 14:30 - 15:00 do you worry a lot that she could be cheating lying or hiding things behind your back maybe she's ready to leave you do you want to be as close as possible to her to spend all day with her does it make you feel in some weird way safe to think like what if you just kept her around in your vision 24 7 so that she can't like do anything else does that make you like feel kind of safe and secure
• 15:00 - 15:30 do you feel anxious when she doesn't text back fast enough and you often like go a little bit of the craziness and end up looking at like the last online and trying to think okay what's she doing why she's so slow to reply who's she with right now and you start to like like create this mental movie this story of of catastrophic like she's literally cheating on you and you'll see like last online wait she was online when I said my last last message so what's she doing when there are some problems in the relationship deal withdrawal do you like
• 15:30 - 16:00 you know detach away from her do you threaten to leave almost like how you used to potentially run away from home and you were a kid and it's not that you actually wanted to run away it's not that you actually wanted to break up with her it's more that you were using this almost as like a fake breakup fake run away from home to see if they'll run after you because you wanted to confirm that they still care about you this is one that I do personally a lot like the fake like you you break up with them
• 16:00 - 16:30 but in hopes that they've run after you to show that they occur do you want to make them jealous or worried about you so that they'll pay more attention to you if you can relate to a bunch of these questions you might be anxiously attached just like I am so I mentioned that this guide is going to be on attachment Styles and this three attachment Styles and so your attachment style we can say it's kind of like your dating personality and so once you can understand this like there's three Styles and like what there are
• 16:30 - 17:00 about and you know how they cause you to act and think and feel you'll know so much more about yourself which is so valuable the three styles that you can have are either secure anxious or avoidance and the one that you have is pretty much entirely made up of how your parents loved you when you were a child a little baby how your parents loved you forms your attachment style if your parents
• 17:00 - 17:30 gave you a very secure healthy stable love there was no like anxiety in your home no violence no abuse you would have the secure attachment Style if your parents were quite inconsistent hostile aggressive violence threatening abusive saw anxiety in the micro expressions of your mother when she feared the next beating from your father if you saw the fear of your parents as
• 17:30 - 18:00 they went through some turmoil maybe a war in your country maybe Financial stress if sometimes your parents weren't around actually care for you and so those moments you had to play up and act out and protest and throw your toys out of the the pram the cot to get their attention you might be the anxious attachment style this is one where you feel very insecure with with love that you're receiving and finally if your parents were very distant maybe
• 18:00 - 18:30 they were very busy maybe they didn't respond to your needs and your cries maybe they listened to a lot of like modern day [ __ ] advice which you know you've probably heard like some parents like let their children cry out with for the idea that oh if you always respond to their cries like they'll they'll learn to keep crying but this is like modern day like evil parenting advice you'll end up as avoidance the three three Styles secure anxious
• 18:30 - 19:00 and avoidance we're going to focus on anxious and this right now just sounds like like kind of like wishy-washy psychological stuff but more and more research is coming about this and it shows that there's actually like a real physical changes depending on what style you have so inside of us we have a very complex nervous system you've probably heard before Atomic nervous systems some Atomic nervous system right and that controls a lot more of what we think and feel than we realize and our nervous
• 19:00 - 19:30 system is actually like formed and even influenced when we're children and through like the love that we go through as a Early Child so your nerves are kind of like this evolutionary part of you that literally just cares about survival and so inside of us we have this you know very complex nervous system that's setting our lives up with feelings and thoughts like literally our thoughts and
• 19:30 - 20:00 feelings are generated by our nerves and it's constantly just making just looking out to make sure that we're safe and that we're part of the tribe and that we can survive and then hopefully we can eventually go and reproduce this is like the point of Our Lives so our nervous system inside of us is constantly looking out to see if we are safe and this is just because of evolution because of course you know if we're looking around and we can see that we've you know the signs are there that we are safe
• 20:00 - 20:30 then we're more likely to survive and reproduce and so when our nervous system or whatever it is inside of us that kind of confirms that we are safe that we are connected to other people that you know we have a tribe around us which is you know safety and numbers we have our needs met we're not really hungry or thirst you're deprived of oxygen the nose kind of relax and they push us into more of like a different relaxed State and you've probably heard this is like a fight or flight state or a rest and digest States
• 20:30 - 21:00 and in this rest and digest State that's also sometimes called the feed and breed stage you you relax you breathe deeper you're more present you get literally less thoughts in your mind your muscles relax you literally look like warm and happy and receptive and that's a positive feedback loop because when you are like that these micro Expressions that we wouldn't even really be conscious of but like our you know our evolutionary caveman Primal nervous system can see
• 21:00 - 21:30 this in each other when you've got the this relaxed nerve that you feel safe other people will see it in you and they'll end up connecting with you because they feel happy and social to do so and these nerves apparently get regulated by our childhood experiences our early like literally babe like when we were a baby with our mother our
• 21:30 - 22:00 nervous system starts to correlate and link up with hers when you know imagine like literally imagine how malleable you are as a newborn when your mother looks down at you and she asks like a happy warm face and she's so receptive to your micro needs and she just you know somehow is like a good mother who's attuned to you and she knows that one particular cry means that you've [ __ ] yourself in another cry means that you're hungry and another cry means that you're warm you know some others can pick up on this she will react to you in a way that soothes all of these issues and you
• 22:00 - 22:30 start to pair bond with her in a beautiful way but if you see your mother's anxious face those micro Expressions if as a little baby you looked up at your mother and you saw her like dotting her eyes around watching her back and you saw the worried look on her face and you saw that sometimes she was slow to come and give you what you needed because she was too busy getting beaten by your father
• 22:30 - 23:00 because she was too busy out in the workplace through the abuse of feminism you may develop a nervous system that becomes hyper vigilance that's constantly thinking that I might not get my needs fulfilled and this can change your nervous system for life if you don't actually go on to improve it just this early experience that you had
• 23:00 - 23:30 as a baby if you haven't specifically thought of these things before if you haven't read like a book on attachment systems chances are you still have kind of like the messed up hyper Vigilant nervous system that was developed as a baby and for most people including myself genuinely we've not went through like a period of our self-improvement thinking about our nervous system so whilst this seems like quite dark and hopeless like there's actually hope for this because 100 I am adamant that we
• 23:30 - 24:00 can actually make huge progress here simply we just need to do the work like we've known with Fitness and everything else we just need to do the work and we just haven't really you know considered that we need to think about yet another thing of like improving our nervous system and so if you become anxiously attached that same nervous system it's like it's in hyperdrive it's like it's Ultra sensitive as it was as a baby it's like it it knows it's got the you know the structure the neural atomic structure
• 24:00 - 24:30 of one where you as a baby weren't even sure if your needs would be met and so now you're constantly acting like that even as an adult it's quite catastrophic and it's constantly looking out for more Assurance than you actually should need like we said when you see that Assurance when you know it puts you in that calm State when you see someone else in the calm loving State even as an adult you'll get this feeling of reassurance and you'll calm down and you'll smile
• 24:30 - 25:00 and you'll feel warm but if your nervous system does get triggered by potential danger like for example you look at your family even as an adult and you see they're cold and receptive anxious angry faces and maybe you don't see anyone really happy or warm around you you'll go into the opposite mode than what we talked about before before you know when those positive warm happy loving safe people around you you relax you're literally your micro facial
• 25:00 - 25:30 expressions relax in a way that makes people more receptive to you your thoughts clear up and everything but with this when you're in the anxious mode and then you're further confirmed by the people around you that you should be anxious because they are because they're violence because they're abusive because they're anxious because your mother's still anxious because your father's still stressed it will put you into the opposite mode where you will breathe faster and you'll have more anxious thoughts and more like this just reoccurring thoughts in your mind
• 25:30 - 26:00 you'll have social anxiety of thinking will I be accepted what will they think of me am I walking weird what do I do with my hands you'll have these like stupid thoughts in your brain what should I say next I don't know what to say in a conversation all of your muscles will tense Your Shadow breathing your cave your body inwards you won't breathe like as a masculine man is supposed to down his front and deep into his belly and worst of all then when you're in this hyper Vigilant state it makes it extremely hard for someone
• 26:00 - 26:30 else to connect with you and to calm you down because if you can imagine yourself from a third person perspective when you're in this anxious State there's hyper overdrive State honestly you don't look like a good person to to be around other people are going to kind of see these like random micro Expressions your body language things that you're not even aware of the fact that you're overthinking but you think that you know people can't see your thoughts people can see if you're thinking some weird [ __ ] bro it appears in your body language then someone else who is warm
• 26:30 - 27:00 happy and loving who could have like you know spent time with you and kind of calmed you down and you see their warm face that would have helped well they're gonna see it and actually not feel compelled to come towards you and now you're the lonely kid in the corridor you're the one who feels awkward eating his lunch by himself now you're the guy who spends all day in his bedroom just working away and not really connecting to anyone else which is the saddest experience of the human existence
• 27:00 - 27:30 we need someone if you want to know like the way out of this this is genuinely a lifelong curse unless you don't fix it it's something that we've never really thought about before like what are micro expressions from our nervous system a causing that I may be like you know we know about anxiety okay anxious thoughts and stuff but this is the weird concept right this is very like deep compared to the things we thought about this is genuinely a
• 27:30 - 28:00 lifelong curse and it will never go away unless you actually do something actively to fix it and there's a lot of things we'll talk about today but I want to give you the simple answer right now which is hard to achieve but it's quite simple in like what we need to do there's no woo-woo practices or anything the single greatest thing for your anxious attachment Style is to find someone who loves you so much and so relentlessly and fearlessly and so compassionately that their love
• 28:00 - 28:30 will penetrate through all of like your anxious nervous system that they will see you sometimes in your anxious States in your hyper Drive neurotic State and they love you so much that they'll still come up to you and embrace you and and make you feel warm and loved and secure and this person who's secure in their own way who's predictable in a beautiful way will continuously just keep coming back to you every single time you need it just to kind of like you know them they don't even need to say anything just the
• 28:30 - 29:00 way that they they hold you and they look at you and they talk to you which will just calm down your nervous system that's what we need you need at least one person in your life who can do that for you and I'm so sorry if you don't have one just yet bad experience of another person coming in and essentially like saving you from yourself
• 29:00 - 29:30 is called co-regulation co-regulation and it is the single greatest gift in my belief that we could give to one another you know research shows us that when you give money to people like it doesn't actually help them that a lot of things that we do for each other doesn't actually like help each other a lot of experiences that we have don't actually matter but I think this weird thing called co-regulation which is when we develop ourselves to be quite warm and secure and trustable and loving
• 29:30 - 30:00 and compassionate and then we can find someone who doesn't really feel like that maybe because of childhood experiences and we can just relentlessly just keep giving them the love that they need so that they can feel like regulated and a part of the tribe there's a study that I found interesting about this it was from the University of Illinois Illinois University some University I don't know and they played a
• 30:00 - 30:30 kind of like a movie of like a face that morphs using you know CGI or something into an expression of anger or you know some kind of emotional expression so the face starts like normal just blank and then it goes slowly like morphs in to anger over a few seconds and participants are just asked to kind of like press a buzzer or you know kind of say when they realize okay it's Changing Faces people with an anxious attachment style they jumped to conclusions they
• 30:30 - 31:00 answered way faster but oftentimes they were wrong so what it is if you've got an anxious attachment Style you're just more jumpy you're more sensitive to like social micro social cues right you know it's something obvious it's like you know someone literally coming at you and punching you or someone shouting at you that's a huge thing and that's obvious and everyone kind of gets that right if someone literally is being aggressive towards you almost no one is wrong in their interpretation for that aggression
• 31:00 - 31:30 you no matter what language you speak no matter even if you have a learning disability we know what aggressive faces look like but for the micro expressions of like you know the small changes in someone's face this is what anxious attachment style people they pick up on usually wrongly because we since we're so sensitive and with you know our nervous system is an overdrive constantly looking out it's like we'll pick up on the smallest things too early and often will start to feed into the narrative like you know we'll see this mental this this movie of this face
• 31:30 - 32:00 getting angry and from the start we'll think yeah it's angry it's angry it's angry at me I've got to protect myself it's angry at me because of this thing but I'm angry at him because he did this thing last year and like you know like we we jump into this and suddenly we're in this deep mental like this this feedback loop from hell where we've jumped to conclusions and then we start to feed it in interestingly the study did like a second study afterwards where they made the anxious attachment people actually
• 32:00 - 32:30 wait longer before they could say like what emotion it was going to so it's like hey you'd see it but you had to essentially go slow and be patient before you could make your analysis and when they did that anxious attachment people with with the best at uh answering the question essentially so it's like this is our our negative and positive is that oftenham will jump to conclusions as soon as we see the micro expression in someone's face or you know the energy or just how we're feeling and that's a bad thing because you often
• 32:30 - 33:00 we're wrong but if we take our time and we're patient and you know we don't indulge in the the first thoughts that comes to mind and we try to just like you know we try to use a bit more consciousness a bit more of like the human brain instead of the monkey brain that's when we're actually better at interpreting how other people are feeling than every other kind of person like anxious attachment people are usually very empathetic you've probably seen this yourself you're usually like very empathetic you can feel someone else's pain when you saw that kid getting bullied you genuinely felt like
• 33:00 - 33:30 the pain for him maybe you didn't help him you didn't have the confidence too and you didn't want to risk being bullied yourself but you feel other people's pain a lot more than maybe you've got some other friends who you know they heard somebody bad news and you were there like visualizing it and feeling the pain with your friends just like ignored it something there is hope for us because of something called neuroplasticity you've probably heard of
• 33:30 - 34:00 this this word before it's quite like a a new term that a bunch of scientists are talking about neuroplasticity and essentially what it means is that our brain can keep making new patterns and essentially just keep learning for the rest of our lives this is somewhat new to realize but like a hundred years ago people thought your brain just kind of stopped learning and forming new ideas and everything at like age 25 like a lot of people just had that like limiting belief these days we genuinely know it's common sense now but it's like your brain can keep learning and forming new neural Pathways and attachments and everything so essentially like if we
• 34:00 - 34:30 start to train ourselves to be securely attached the neuroplasticity neurons whatever will start to form that eventually we will actually have like this pathway that our brain will start to follow like it'll be hard at first let's kind of like um clearing your driveway of snow we don't really do that in the UK but imagine you've got to clear your driveway of snow the first time you do is really hard but then after that you can keep using the same pathway and the more you use it the easier it is that the issue is we've used the pathway of anxiety for most of our lives and so
• 34:30 - 35:00 it's very easy and natural to go there but we can start to create the pathway of secure healthy attachments and the more that we do that the more that we think about it the more that we obsess over it the more that we have the opportunities to the more that we remember it the more that we actually do it and we commit ourselves to it and then we you know we experience some kind of discomfort by doing it and some pain and some sacrifice the more easier it will be so we just mostly need to be around someone who's trustable secure loving
• 35:00 - 35:30 and warm and there's a bunch of other things that we need to do but it starts with actually being around other people I've looked online for a lot of advice on this topic and you know there's people who say oh you can breathe like this and you can read you can do this and take by my course and do this and do this I'll be honest with you I don't actually think any of that works as someone who's looked into this stuff for the last like I've waited about one and a half years to make this video for you I'm telling
• 35:30 - 36:00 you right now that one day with the right kind of person who is loving and secure and who makes you feel like you can be honest with them one day with a person like that is worth reading 50 books on this topic it's not even close what we need is other people this issue was caused because of other people you know our parents our mother our primary caregiver and it will be resolved with other people I don't think this is something that you can do alone
• 36:00 - 36:30 right now you might be a bit annoyed by that because you might not have anyone in your life to do this with but I think the first stage is is education and awareness and understanding as we are now and it'd be so valuable for you to kind of you know learn this today and just kind of you know know what what you've learned today keep it in mind maybe Journal about 10 and just when you end up getting into a relationship and you end up meeting like the friend who could be this like warm safe person for you you'll then know what's happening
• 36:30 - 37:00 why you feel so good and so calm and so peaceful around some people and why you don't and why you feel so anxious around all of this the first stage is understanding and education ah so when we are around other people our nervous system is just constantly analyzing what's happening and it's constantly just asking am I safe will they betray me will they kick me
• 37:00 - 37:30 out of the tribe in the modern day I don't think we think enough about like our Primal tendencies our natural tendencies I don't think our brain our body a scatter I don't think our brain and nervous system our body has but that's something else interesting which is uh our brain and our nervous system hasn't actually evolved for a long time we pretty much still have the same brain
• 37:30 - 38:00 and nervous system as our caveman ancestors and they were thinking about the tribe they were like you know imagine like a cavewoman she's got to feel a little bit anxious and got to be looking out to make sure that the caveman's not going to leave her because it genuinely means death otherwise in the modern day if you and your friend stop being friends it doesn't mean death anymore it doesn't mean that you're gonna starve anymore but it feels like that like you know a modern day breakup is
• 38:00 - 38:30 hugely painful but it doesn't actually affect your life as much as like it used to you know break up like 10 000 years ago probably meant that you weren't gonna reproduce it probably meant if you're a woman that you were gonna die now you're gonna be left alone these days it doesn't actually like equate to anything you can go find a new partner in like five minutes on Tinder and yeah it's entirely painful because we still have the same brain and so this part of us this brain and this neural neural circuit inside our
• 38:30 - 39:00 nerves is constantly just wanting to make sure that we're part of the tribe and so when we're with other people who have those small micro Expressions who are so warm and trusting we feel like we're part of the tribe and we calm down and we start to contribute we start to feel happy and social and everything and this is such a beautiful experience and almost no one has that these days because we don't have tribes these days most people don't even have friends literally like like on average most people literally have one or two friends and often they're not even like actually
• 39:00 - 39:30 good friends with those people they're not actually like even close with them if you can't tell your friend that you feel anxious if you can't hug your friend they're not actually your friend they're just people that you play video games with when you do meet that person who is good for you let's say in a dating sense because this most comes out in dating right attachment Styles can somewhat work it with friendship but mostly this is all
• 39:30 - 40:00 about like romantic love when you become an adult that's when it's most chaotic as well that's when it's most problematic so that's something we're going to focus on now when you do meet the person who is warm and safe and and trustworthy you feel at yourself those negative thoughts those anxious thoughts go away and it's like you walk through the world with a smile on your face
• 40:00 - 40:30 but of course with with relationships and you know the dynamic of just having another person in your life things can happen like negative things and conflicts and and distance can occur so I want you to imagine right now that you have this anxious attachment style and you get into a relationship with a girl who you know it's really hype you've been dating and everything there'll be a moment where you feel a little bit anxious for whatever reason maybe you can't even acknowledge that
• 40:30 - 41:00 it's you know this anxious attachment Style and the number one thing that you'll want to do with the first instance of feeling anxious is that you'll want to get close to your partner you'll want to get close to someone else and get reassurance from their micro Expressions their body language from there like warm compassionate love that you're still love that you're still safe this is the first thing that you'll want wanting this is called activating strategies
• 41:00 - 41:30 so this is when you activate your anxious attachment style and you just want to like feel the love again because you don't feel totally safe when you've got an anxious attachment style you'll go through this a lot more and a lot faster than people who have got like a secure Style and so there's a few things that will be quite normal which is like you'll think about them you'll miss them you'll remember only their good qualities you'll think that they're the one and you'll you know get so many memories and everything and this is you like yearning
• 41:30 - 42:00 for closeness yearning for attachment yearning just for the reassurance that you're still safe and loved and so if your partner when you feel this and hopefully you're able to communicate it with them which is one of the largest Parts about this anxious attachment people aren't usually good at communicating this but let's say you know you have if your partner then responds with what you needed which was just love and reassurance then it's like you calm back down your anxious attachment system's been deactivated and you just kind of like calm back down you feel really good and you can go focus on work you can go
• 42:00 - 42:30 focus on everything else but if for example they're not really there for you they're busy at work she's busy she's not replying or something and she um she might find it a bit weird that you need this a bit sad a bit lame or she might not want to give this to you she might be feel a bit distant herself that's when they'll get a little bit more triggered so if this activating strategy doesn't work you become a lot more worried than before before it was like you know you
• 42:30 - 43:00 yearned for closeness if you try to get that closeness and your partner doesn't really give it to you and you can replace like partner of a friend or family or whatever but you know this is mostly in a dating sense you may go into what's called protest Behavior so protest behavior is what we do when our activating strategy like doesn't work so process Behavior we do when we wanted to get closer but they don't actually seem to like want to get closer to us so suddenly it's like oh [ __ ] like
• 43:00 - 43:30 we're actually like out there in the Wild by ourselves now we still assure that they still probably do love us but now we can no longer rationally and objectively look at the situation now we are entirely emotional and you might believe that you're some masculine man stoic man men masking the men on emotional you might believe this but trust me at this point when you're with you genuinely like your nervous system and your brain thinks that you might be getting banished from the tribe the most masculine man the most stoic man is emotional at this point so you still have to lose trust in the
• 43:30 - 44:00 other person because you start to feel like they're making you anxious and you start to obsessively think about them and these now what you do is often like harmful acts to try and re-establish some connection your past you know being level-headed and speaking to them and just telling them the truth that you know you need some reassurance that seems really sad to you now that seems really scary and you can't imagine that now you're doing toxic [ __ ] for me personally at this point you know when I really really need that level of
• 44:00 - 44:30 closeness and obviously like you know we've done this before without actually having these thoughts in our mind we've just kind of like done it for some reason you know you just almost automatically act how your childhood has made you act as an adult honestly most people are quite AFK like they're just playing the game on like automation mode and so for me my my protest behavior is often about withdrawing so when there's like issues in a relationship and I want to get closer to her but it doesn't seem like she wants to where I don't even have the confidence to kind of tell her or that you know the honesty or
• 44:30 - 45:00 authenticity to tell her that I want to get closer to her because I don't think she'll understand or whatever she'll think it's gay you know what I mean I'll start to withdraw so once I love her dearly I'll literally start to message her less and reply to her messages less and I'll I won't pick up the the phone if she calls me and I'll just you know I have this thing in my mind I'm like yeah you know [ __ ] [ __ ] her and everything yeah I'm just gonna go to the gym and like get a pump and like you know I'll just go speak to other girls and everything I'm essentially like running away just like I used to run away as a kid
• 45:00 - 45:30 it wasn't that I actually wanted to run away and start a new life out in the woods in the park nearby it was that I was running away whilst like looking back to see if my parents were running after me and even if they were angry just knowing that they were running after me was was what I needed and so when this gets to an extreme level for me I start to almost like like break up with her with the person I'm dating but not actually mean it but I kind of
• 45:30 - 46:00 tell her like out of aggression I'm breaking up with her but then I'll literally stay there hoping that she argues and she fights for it it's toxic as [ __ ] right this isn't a good thing of course but I'm just telling you my a tendency that I've noticed in myself and the reason why we do this we're throwing our toys out of the pram just to see if if mummy's gonna come in and look at us now sometimes like you know because this is genuinely what probably happened as a baby is like our need for love and closeness wasn't met we were crying and our mum ignored
• 46:00 - 46:30 it sometimes she'd come in and help us in a lot of the time she wouldn't and so we kind of learned from from being a baby that if we really cried really aggressively or if we like [ __ ] ourselves everywhere if we you know threw our toys out of the pram that's when Mummy would come and she'd be angry but it's like okay but she's here now you know like if she's here that means she loves me and so it's like a toxic behavior that we probably learned from from early childhood and we just do the adult equivalent of that which is just texting
• 46:30 - 47:00 them or not texting them at all and just withdrawing for those other people with anxious attachment style it's like maybe being more aggressive or blowing up someone's phone and you know like when you've really approached protesting you're like you know probably aggression like aggressively typing and sending them loads of messages I do the opposite I just stop replying it all maybe you're keeping score at how and you're looking at how long it took them to reply to you now you're gonna double that you know that this will get them back you're trying to like one-up them you're trying to you know tit for that tat then
• 47:00 - 47:30 you're trying to make them jealous maybe you act hostile and aggressive and you don't actually do these things because you're a bad person you don't do these things because you don't love them you literally do these things because you love that person and you want their attention but you don't know the healthy way to go about doing that because this is what worked as a baby with our mothers and fathers
• 47:30 - 48:00 so far this seems very like hopeless and you might be a little bit triggered by watching this you might feel like actually quite negative and you might be getting like a bunch of emotions inside of you and if you are we can we can take a deep breath together just follow my hand yeah inhale
• 48:00 - 48:30 exhale on the next breath really force it into your stomach and on this final breath just really make it loud it doesn't even matter if anyone hears you just remember that this is something that we're going through together
• 48:30 - 49:00 I think you know the beautiful thing that I see about the work that I do is that I don't see myself as like a normal teacher that I used to have in school you know the overworked teacher who just has to follow the curriculum or anything I'm simply a student who's I'm just following my own interests and my own self-improvements and then I'm every time I make a video it's literally just to teach you what I've recently learned
• 49:00 - 49:30 and so genuinely like we're actually going through the same thing so trust me like that feeling you feel inside of you right now I've had it for the past few weeks it's on and off because like the more I'll tell you this right the more that you look into this stuff like you're you're watching this video you're gonna see this concept of attachment Styles anxious attachment style everywhere now you're gonna feel it everything but if you don't really put in the work for this and if you stop kind of learning about this you'll find that you know within a few days or a week you stop thinking about this and
• 49:30 - 50:00 just whatever you know you made a little bit of progress You're Gonna Act Like a little bit more secure or something and that's it and it'll just like drop off your mind like you know like literally an hour before this video you weren't sat there thinking about anxious attachment style or childhood wounds or anything were you right and so it's happened to me before where I'll be reading a book on this topic but I'll tell you some books in a second but I'll be reading a book on this topic and I'll start to go through like the flood of emotions and realizations and memories of like how it's relevant just
• 50:00 - 50:30 recently and it's not that you know it's just now relevant it's that this stuff has been relevant literally 24 7 for us but it's just that we weren't really aware of it so I urge you that even though you feel uncomfortable right now you see this like you know this horrible feeling that you have inside of you right now see that as similar to the muscle soreness that you get after you hit like a really good workout like this is the feeling of growth and I promise you that you know the first time a beginner goes to the gym sometimes the soreness they get is brutal and sometimes the second
• 50:30 - 51:00 time they go with like they can't even imagine still doing it because it's so brutally solid my chest used to get so sore when I first started going to the gym but then after two three weeks it's like it's just there you don't really get any more you don't really get sore anymore you only really get sore when you stop doing it and then you start again so you're sore you know the equivalent right now just don't stop training this muscle just keep something like this in mind because this I promise you from all of the research I've ever looked into from all the communities I've ever been in
• 51:00 - 51:30 a red pill and everything like that I'm telling you that what we're discussing today is genuinely the path that the real path to success when it comes to relationships honestly if you've watched my videos for a while you know that I was literally I turned into a man because of the red pill when I was 17 years old and I was like in that community and if I'm telling you right now that this is pretty much better than the red pill you should probably take this quite seriously I don't do not say that lightly
• 51:30 - 52:00 the red pill was a community for me it was on Reddit like the subreddit like you know this forum page that I genuinely spent every single day for years committing myself to and it changed my life forever I am only here today because of that community and if I'm telling you that this what we're talking about here is actually more important than what we learned in the red pill take it seriously and there's going to be a point when I had a paradigm shift and you will too when you realize that
• 52:00 - 52:30 this is literally the way to like a long term happy loving relationship and we may have been LED astray in some areas one thing I just it'd be really valuable for you to think about and acknowledge is that often we we live a life where we are quite AFK like we're just living you know the automated life where we're not um we're not very conscious of our decisions and so so far just before you
• 52:30 - 53:00 watch this video you thought you were acting with like with intention and you know autonomy with control over your life but you're probably able to relate you know so far you've probably had some memories where you've been like the anxious attachment style person in a relationship without even knowing that this was a thing so I think it's just valuable for you to know like you can act and be a certain kind of person without knowing that you're only like that because of your childhood experiences
• 53:00 - 53:30 it's just something interesting to think like we're not as as in control of our actions and emotions and stuff as we think we are because every few months you're probably uncovering like some deep rooted stuff in you like you know psychological trauma and all this and you're realizing how much of that has shaped your your adult experiences that you had no idea of and this is just one of one more of those things and again it's it's very hard to go down this path but so much growth comes from this
• 53:30 - 54:00 so when you start dating as an adult and now you've started to think about attachment styles you'll look online for dating advice and most dating advice including pretty much all of the videos that I've
• 54:00 - 54:30 made may actually Lead You astray especially if you're a young man especially if you're you're in this space where you're watching my videos and you're you know you're probably you probably know what the red pill is or you've heard of it you probably watch like Andrew Tate and everything most of that dating advice will actually Lead You astray if your goal is to get into like a loving relationship because most of the dating advice online focuses on only one thing which is just attraction the top seven ways to get
• 54:30 - 55:00 girls here's how to text a girl to to make her more likely to to reply back to you the issue with this kind of content which I have literally produced hundreds of videos like that is that it will make you more successful at getting a more quantity of girls like literally the way to get the most girls is for you to act avoidance for you to act you know distance to not reply to her messages to even act like a bit of an [ __ ] and everything and you know to be on Tinder and
• 55:00 - 55:30 you'll you'll meet a woman faster you'll have sex with more women if you follow this advice of like you know the normal advice online but every guy is giving this advice of like yeah like act like the child and everything right but an issue with that is that you're not actually being who you truly are and so you start to attract the kind of women who aren't even into the real you I know this sounds like a meme but the
• 55:30 - 56:00 advice of like just be yourself when it comes to dating it's like you eventually once you've like improved yourself so much and you've like experienced so much of life you realize that that's actually the most based advice out there now do not be content with being lazy as a young man you should be ambitious you should be working very hard to goals right you should not be content with being broke or being unsuccessful you should strive for more it's the masculine desire for more always do that but when it comes to then essentially cashing out who you are in the dating
• 56:00 - 56:30 Market acting like more of a child and taking a longer time to reply to her messages than you actually wanted to and like not meeting her again for a little while because it's going to make you look cooler these tactics that you have seen in every single online video in my videos in other self-improvement Creator videos and red pill videos from Andrew Tate all of this advice is actually going to lead you astray because it's making you pretend that you're someone that you're not in a real relationship if you want like an actual loving secure
• 56:30 - 57:00 relationship where this woman will actually just fully carve your calm your nervous system down to the point that you forget that you have this anxious attachment Style it comes honestly from just being 100 genuine and authentic and real to who you are again a quick disclaimer this does not mean that you should be fine with being a chump being broke you should set big goals you should aim to make a fortune you should aim to build a physique that
• 57:00 - 57:30 you're really proud of but when it comes to what you want from Love and a relationship you should be 100 honest with that oftentimes in the modern day it's so cool to act like you're you're cold to the other person like like I'm from the UK and so the dating scene here is very cold it's a race to the bottom of who can care less about the other person it's a race that who can be less emotionally invested and guess what you know I thought all these negative things and I realized well that's because I'm playing that game too most people are playing this game with it like too cool
• 57:30 - 58:00 to attach it and to build a real connection with each other and so people like me like previous me I'll go and use Tinder and stuff and I'll post like a fuckboy picture and I'll get like a lot of matches from doing that I'll meet girls and I literally won't message them after I've slept with them and knowing that that makes them even more into me and that now I've got them and this is like the the area of control and eventually you fall in love with one of these girls that you've been acting like this and then she makes you anxious because you're no longer like you know feeling secure with the kind of girl who was who was hooking up with guys from Tinder who was matching guys who were
• 58:00 - 58:30 showing their abs and stuff and and you can't be honest with her now when it comes to dating to get into a real long-term secure relationship you should be who you are 100 honestly honestly from the start which it sounds so just different from the advice that you've heard if you just follow along with me I'm sure that I'll give you some more like bits of understanding if she's unattracted to this 100 real
• 58:30 - 59:00 version of you because there's going to be a lot of women that you meet and if you started to say like oh yeah you know like sometimes I feel a bit anxious and I want like lots of reassurance in a relationship I want a close relationship we couldn't even imagine being that honest relationship because it just seems like sad it seems like unattractive that girls are gonna hear that like you can imagine some like party girl thinking that that's just weird because she's used to [ __ ] guys who leave her on red after they've had sex that's why like so if you're scared of unattracting the kind of girl who's on
• 59:00 - 59:30 Tinder all the time who's who's going like [ __ ] guys that she meets on like nightclubs and stuff by you being honest about the kind of person that you actually are that you want like a strong stable relationship you want a woman who is your peace you want a woman who is the wind on your back whilst you achieve massive goals I know what girl thinks that that's like you know weird and she ends up not speaking to you anymore and then you're like ah damn see Hamza advice didn't work if I just acted like like a like a Chad and I just acted really cold towards her then she would have been into me well yeah she would have slept
• 59:30 - 60:00 with you but bro she those type of girls are sleeping with everyone else we like I used to think that that was like the success of the dating Market was just sleeping with the kind of girls who were on Tinder and nightclubs and you realize bro that's like level one like that more ambitious thing is to get like a really high quality woman who literally like makes you more productive who makes you more successful that level one is just sleeping with some girl who's sleeping with other guys it's like that it's not hard to do there's a lot of guys who still want to get to this level and they struggle and stuff and they're watching all these
• 60:00 - 60:30 dating videos that I've made personally but this level's not hard to to achieve if you're an ambitious guy you should want something more than this this is just sex but it's like it's sex with the worst kind of people because these people are literally brain dead and like she's already pair bonded with 50 guys in the last like two years and so have you so you break your soul the more ambitious thing is is you want a high quality woman who you still have was awesome or even better sex with anyway be more ambitious than the entry-level [ __ ] of just trying to attract as many
• 60:30 - 61:00 girls as possible and a lot of them are just low quality that they you can attract some hot girls and they're literally not good to be around because if she's hot and even and you've brought her into your life and you've slept with her it feels awesome until you see the reality of it is like okay you're trying then eventually you fall for her a little bit and then you feel anxious about her because she still goes out to parties because she still has those old friends because she's still texting the same guys that she used to [ __ ] that she might be still [ __ ] it's like so to lose to sacrifice these girls who would
• 61:00 - 61:30 find a cringe for you to like you know open openly communicate what you want out of a relationship to sacrifice these skills is it's a valuable sacrifice because if you eventually want to get into a relationship but you start it on this this fake level of you acting like more of a Chad and cold and like like you know not saying how much you actually like her because that's uncool
• 61:30 - 62:00 it will drive you insane when you finally get into a relationship with her and you realize that she's not even attracted to the real you because you never showed her the real you in the first place men who are anxiously attached were usually terrible at getting into relationships because we're quite needy and everything and that's why men like us we often do go really deep into the dating advice and red pill Community online and we're following all these guys who are saying this advice and you know we end up being led astray without
• 62:00 - 62:30 realizing it because the first step of following this advice is that you actually get more girls you actually have more sex and you're like yes finally this is awesome but just wait up until you fall in love with one of these girls and you realize only when it's too late that she's literally not even attracted to the real you she was attracted to that like fake persona that you put on and you you also realize that you're not even attracted to her but you know when you have sex with them a bunch of times like the bond does does start to form
• 62:30 - 63:00 if you don't act 100 honest you'll end up attracting a girl who's not even attracted to your real pers personality acknowledge that you want closeness so in the modern dating game which is a game that people play it's like this game to be less invested
• 63:00 - 63:30 into each other to be more avoidant than the other person that makes you more desirable to a lot of women but all of those women are lower quality and by playing the game you're also proving to everyone that you're low quality and this is the most interesting part I promise you this this is something that none of the red pill guys will ever say by playing this game of pretending to be like the avoidant cold guy the aloof guy who takes a while to reply and everything you will actually unattract the high quality women who are securely attached and they
• 63:30 - 64:00 want someone who's on the same page as them like the secure healthy women will literally like start talking about like long-term relationship they'll ask you if you want kids and stuff on the first date if they're even single to begin with like but you know the secure women literally they're not they're usually not like sometimes they do go on to date in apps it's just like you know people say oh you'll never meet a good woman on dating apps I slightly disagree because I do think that pretty much most people use dating apps these days even include I can imagine like a like a good woman let's say she's literally only ever had
• 64:00 - 64:30 like one boyfriend before I can imagine that she still ends up downloading like Bumble just that you know because it's like some of her friends have mentioned it she's heard about it and it's just like yeah you know she's just kind of seeing it I can imagine that same moment is getting a bunch of messages but she's not actually like meeting those guys that's the you know the most important thing but if you play this game of pretending to be like this avoidance personality instead of showing that you are you know you're you're like you're a guy who wants a lot of closeness and security and reassurance and consistent predictable safe love
• 64:30 - 65:00 we're afraid of showing that because we know that a lot of girls would be absolutely like revolted by it and we're afraid of losing those girls because often we attach some level of ego and validation and worthiness to attracting as many girls as possible but those girls who aren't attracted to that real version of us good residents we were never compatible with them in the first place trust me when I say that you do not want to get closer even just have sex with a
• 65:00 - 65:30 girl who isn't compatible with you it's a [ __ ] experience and if you've slept around or dated around you know this yourself I'll continue on this point for some parts of this video but I just want to wrap this little part up of just like just be authentic again this does not mean I need to say this because I know for a fact some people are going to say like oh I'm just turned blue pill I'm not blue pill oh
• 65:30 - 66:00 I'm like this is not an excuse for you to be a Jeffrey and to be lazy you should still be an incredibly high value man but when it comes to what you want from a relationship be totally honest and think to yourself yeah you know what I feel quite like honestly like just say it to yourself no one else right I honestly do feel quite anxious if I if I date a girl who goes to a lot of parties I would feel kind of anxious and like weird like I'd be scared that she's probably holding up with guys and even if she's not even fully cheating she's probably getting guys like flirting with her and she's probably like it laughing
• 66:00 - 66:30 and enjoying herself with other guys I don't want that have the honesty to just say that I think that this is the more confident thing to do and again there's going to be men and women who look at us being honest here and think that this is cringe or uncomfortable but [ __ ] them they're they're all the ones who are genuinely like broken to begin with the the avoidance style people who think it's like you know they get into a relationship and literally don't even like each other
• 66:30 - 67:00 what is the point of that if you're if you're watching this now and you're kind of uninterested and you're thinking oh but like you know Bahamas are saying if I do this other thing I could have more sex with girls but I'd probably just do that because I just want to have sex there's a video that I've just recently posted to this channel which you might be interested in which is called the check degeneracy and embrace God just maybe consider that if you're like watching this right now and you're thinking oh but like I just want to do whatever's going to get me laid as fast as possible consider that if you're watching this now I'm assuming that you actually are beginning to realize the
• 67:00 - 67:30 value of having like like essentially like a wife like a really good and I'm not talking like you know often times in the red pill again it's like yeah I don't marry you know women are all thoughts and stuff the thing is well yes for you you're the man that you hear who are saying like oh yeah women are all low quality it's like well yeah because you're the low quality guy you're the guy acting avoiding you're the guy acting like a [ __ ] boy you're the guy acting like with this cold sense that now you're only attracting the broken women who are attracted to that version of you the thing is 100 the foundation is developing
• 67:30 - 68:00 yourself as a man you should become very wealthy you should become successful and fit and attractive and everything right you should be very confident and have like an awesome business or career and purpose and everything right these are these are like absolutely non-negotiables no matter what what like dating method you want to follow but then after that the issue with the red pill degenerative mode is that you start to believe that the women are are all [ __ ] and degenerate and everything because you're attracting those women because you are that kind of guy because you're cold because you're aloof because you're not honest because when there is
• 68:00 - 68:30 a girl who's honest to you like they were to me years ago who says that they want to get into a relationship first before they have want to have sex I'm looking at them as if they're weird because that's that's weird for me and so she's out of my mind and I'm starting to attach more to girls who I'm sleeping with on the first day that I see them and we're both playing this game we both met in a nightclub and now I think all women are [ __ ] because I met her I've met Every Girl in a nightclub before it's like no it's not that all women are [ __ ] that you and the women that you date are [ __ ] because you're [ __ ]
• 68:30 - 69:00 build yourself up to be such an incredible man high value man but then think to yourself okay what is the most ambitious I could be for the kind of dating life that I want and it would be to have like your absolute 10 out of 10 supportive wife or even wives and the thing is one extra point I need to say is like bro you're gonna have literally a better sex life with this woman like the sex that you have with a woman that you actually love and that you've built this level of like this huge level this depth of Love is incomparable some
• 69:00 - 69:30 things that I'm learning from this book The Way of the superior man it's like we're literally like when you hook up with a random girl because you view some red pill tactic and you've attracted her from Tinder and you've been acting like this this like you know this cold guy even though you're actually kind of anxious and and a little bit insecure the sex that you have with these random women is it's usually kind of [ __ ] honestly but you can level up like like that's like level one sex bro you can get like a level 100 which becomes like some weird spiritual experience where you start to feel God and everything like there's levels to this [ __ ] and
• 69:30 - 70:00 you're not going to get that with some random girl that you don't trust that you can't open your heart to so if you've you know if you're somewhat on the line right now and you you know that it feels kind of weird to take a step back from the tactics of not being honest with what your attachment style is like because you know that you'll get more girls if you act in a certain cold aloof way and you don't you know you're not honest with that you're you want a lot of closeness and Security in a relationship just know that you're probably doing
• 70:00 - 70:30 that just for sex and you genuinely will have a much better sex life if you actually follow this advice start with authenticity improve yourself you know build yourself up but don't use tactics in your in your pursuit to find a girl to hide who you are and how you actually feel if you start to date a girl and [ __ ] you feel quite anxious with her
• 70:30 - 71:00 it could be because that's the type of girl she is but most likely it's just because you are an anxious attachment style so what if you're just honest what if you just tell her this which seems scary but her response to it if she gets unattracted to you and she you know she thinks that's a bad thing it's like then you weren't compatible with her in the first place for the the woman that you want like the high quality wife material woman you're gonna need to show her all sides of you and you're gonna like you're gonna need to see all sides of her it's just how it works otherwise you won't have the real level of trust and like that bonding
• 71:00 - 71:30 experience you can't use these these dating tactics that you see online because if you do the girl will get attracted to a different person and eventually you'll have to show your real self to them and they won't be attracted to the real you so if you start with authentic authenticity from the first date the first conversation you'll start to you will have the power to start to rule out girls who aren't compatible with you and suddenly you
• 71:30 - 72:00 like it was just a right now we're peeling back the layer of understanding that this is what going on a date is supposed to be a lot about so far we literally we go on a date because we know that there's like a 15 or 20 or 50 chance that we'll end up sleeping with her and that's the success but like the point of going on a date or to be texting a new girl or whatever or going on a phone call is to literally just find out if she is compatible with you if she would be a good person to add into your life so far we've been this ambitious thinking oh but I might be able to have sex with a sure that this is what the majority of guys want but
• 72:00 - 72:30 the thing is we're no longer part of the 99 of guys who just want this level of ambition we want everything we want this which is that short yeah we will have sex with her but we want to make sure that she's good for our lives that we literally run towards our goals faster because she's in our lives that we're not anxious that she's going out to clubs and parties because she's been on Tinder recently because she still has like these whole friends we don't want that to just sleep with a girl who makes you anxious it's like once you respect yourself you realize that's not even worth it like a few
• 72:30 - 73:00 hours of pleasure for a distraction from your work and your purpose it's like you realize it's not even worth it because then you end up thinking about this girl who's not even good for you you need to convey this from literally the start and be Fearless to think to yourself okay imagine going on a first date with a girl and not in a weird way saying it but just kind of like openly thinking to yourself are we gonna be compatible because I really need a woman who's upfront and good at communicating who I could literally say to her like I feel anxious right now and if you're
• 73:00 - 73:30 dating some kind of party girl she's probably not going to do this for you so you need to have the confidence to do something which is called effective communication this is a seriously valuable skill to develop but unfortunately for people of anxious attachment Styles we really haven't developed this well secure people have this naturally this effective communication secure healthy people are able to effectively communicate how they feel and what they want and what they need in a relationship to their partner we're scared to do that because of two things one we're just anxious so that's just
• 73:30 - 74:00 worse but two because we're anxious we often have fallen into like these communities online which have told us not to act like this because you will attract more girls if you don't act like this but again attracting more girls who aren't even right for you who are a distraction and make you anxious isn't a good thing so we're scared to do this we haven't developed this skill before what we're about to discuss goes against all of the dating advice you've probably ever seen before and I am certain that this is actually
• 74:00 - 74:30 the way forward once you're done with the phase of your life if you do go through this phase of just you know like literally just just focusing on trying to get as much sex as possible to validate your ego and then you realize that all of that was [ __ ] pointless and you start to think okay the thing that I actually want is an absolute awesome woman who actually I genuinely trust and who trusts me and who genuinely is helping me with my goals and the sex with her is even better than every other girl that I've been with before
• 74:30 - 75:00 that now you're talking like a good level of ambition and the way that you get to that is to be able to effectively communicate that you have needs in your relationship that you're no longer scared to to talk about for example some of your needs is like your need for reassurance you need to feel like you're loved and safe probably every single day you need your partner to for example
• 75:00 - 75:30 know that you actually do have an anxious attachment style and most of the time whenever there's some kind of issue or even a lot of times when there's no issue that you're like your nervous system and brain is going to jump to conclusions and make you feel really anxious and scared you should date a partner who knows this about you but who is going to be that warm loving predictable person who's gonna fearlessly compassionately keep loving you anyway imagine having a wife who literally is more genuinely more attracted to you because she knows this about you and now she feels special like
• 75:30 - 76:00 she she loves the fact that she can be this woman for you this is when we're getting to a level of like love and relationships that we didn't even ever consider before because we fell down the degenerate path of like you know like thinking about casual sex and everything thinking that was successful but I think this is the real success secure people knew this from the start so maybe there's someone secure watching this day and like he's literally just talking about a relationship but like for us relationships have often been more about
• 76:00 - 76:30 games and like being someone that you're not trying to like attract them by pretending to like you know by acting a certain way which wasn't how you actually wanted to act but it's what you've been told is more effective at like attracting a girl this sounds so weird but genuinely the advice would just be yourself when it comes to a relationship is phenomenal but it's like a bell curve like when you first hear the advice it's terrible because you can be you know convinced okay just be myself while I'm a video gamer I'm a nerd I'm needy I'm
• 76:30 - 77:00 all this you need to go through your own level of self-improvements at that point it's like it's no longer about you know just be lazy but it's more like okay just be yourself in in say and like know what you want in the relationship know how you actually want to act in the relationship and the idea is to no longer feel upset if for example there's a girl who like rejects you if there's a girl that you know you're honest with your needs and you you know you communicate this to no longer be upset if like there is a girl who just kind of
• 77:00 - 77:30 disappears because it simply just means you weren't compatible we were trying to hold on to as much love as possible so we always saw it as a bad thing when there was a girl who kind of got away but the idea is that if you can start from the beginning to display the kind of man that you are like I even had it I'm not going to do this because like I'm happy as where I am but like I even had a like a thought that if I was gonna use like Tinder or something right now maybe this is advice for you if you do want to use online
• 77:30 - 78:00 dating I would honestly write something about this in my bio like I think of the times where I used to use Tinder and my profile was just pure fuckboy and I literally just used it to meet girls and sleep with them on the first night and never speak to them again or you know until they message me like three days later and I'd ignore it for a week then I'd message them and you know like it's just this I thought like if you're genuinely looking for this loving relationship to play no games and literally to almost have it in your bio like almost like a joke of something that I was gonna write was like um
• 78:00 - 78:30 you give me consistent and predictable love and security and Assurance or something and I'll retire you forever something like that it's obviously like a little meme joke or some [ __ ] but like the idea is like wear your heart on your sleeve don't pretend to be colder than you are understand what your needs are which are going to be different to mine but most likely it's going to be just you just want to feel very close to your partner and you really want them to know and to like think about this concept of your attachment style you want them to like
• 78:30 - 79:00 probably not get into environments that you're going to feel even more anxious in like for example you don't want her to have friends who are hoes who are encouraging her to like you know come out and drink and most likely like her friends are you know inviting guys out and stuff you're probably going to feel anxious about that you don't want her to be distant and to not reply all day you don't want her to be going out to clubs you don't want her to be friends with with guys and stuff right you could hide all this stuff in your mind and just you know not acknowledge it but then again the thing is you're going to attract the girls who
• 79:00 - 79:30 you're not even compatible with so it's very worthwhile to just Express your needs and to just say this in in like a non-hopeful way to take a deep breath and just tell them the truth even though it sounds kind of lame to say like if you went out to that party I'm not gonna lie I think I'd feel really anxious just that and just see how they reply and that this seems so this is scary to do because you're you're thinking right now like then they're gonna think I'm a
• 79:30 - 80:00 chump or something but how she replies will tell you whether or not she was going to be this this woman that you should actually have in your life if she finds it weird and then she goes to the party anyway and you're there anxious as [ __ ] it's like bro trust me she's not right for you so even though your relationship might have taken a hit because now you've opened up to her it's like she wasn't right for you in the first place but if she hears that she's like oh my God yeah you're so right actually like why don't you just come to the party with me now you're talking now you're thinking like wow like she didn't need to do that but I just told her how
• 80:00 - 80:30 I felt and I felt like a little bit of a chump for it but like she actually responded really positively judge how she responds when you're being totally honest is she empathetic does she make improvements and really try to give you what you need for my girl literally every moment that I've told her of something that I want her to do or that you know something that like I don't want her to do she's done it she's literally like she's she's left friendship groups she has like five people in our phone contact list I've seen it
• 80:30 - 81:00 seeing that your woman actually makes the improvements that she needs to do to make you feel more secure because you know she like certainly they're real improvements right that shows you like oh [ __ ] like maybe we are really compatible like she didn't need to be perfect to begin with she you know she could have been acting in ways that wasn't really perfect but then as soon as you highlight it in a really respectful way like uh like a teamwork kind of teammate kind of way and she
• 81:00 - 81:30 responds and she's like oh my God yeah you're actually so right like I said I said this to my girl I told her like you have this one friend who isn't actually that she's your only friend who is like a hoe like your other friends are actually like really good but you've got this one whole friend who's not even good for you I don't understand why you're still friends with her and if I'm honest if you ever do like when you if you do spend time with her if you do anything big with her like if you end up going to like some party or something with her like she I cannot only think that this one friend is the one that you do something that would make me anxious and I wouldn't like that I just don't really understand why
• 81:30 - 82:00 you're still friends with this girl who like isn't even improving herself you've got nothing in common and throw away my girl was like yeah you're actually absolutely right I have thought this before actually and she just yesterday sent her a message saying like um they're not they're not just not going to be friends anymore she literally sent her a big message she changed her phone number and so think about how like seen and heard and and that I feel insecure I feel now she like you know your anxious thoughts can still come out what if she meets her
• 82:00 - 82:30 you know of course they can but like when you see that you've been honest and you've communicated something and the girl that you're with has actually made the improvements because of that you get this like sense of security which feels good and this is how you you should feel like at peace in a relationship do they respect your boundaries or do they think it's like cringe and uncomfortable and controlling because I'm going to tell you a story right I dated a girl about two years ago who
• 82:30 - 83:00 this relationship was very talk sorry this this was when I was reading this book that with the talking about today I was learning about anxious attachment Style and I communicated to her that like I felt too anxious for the the lifestyle she was about to go into like she was about to go to university and she'd be living in a house with it be like a lot of parties and she'd be living with some like degenerate friends you know girls who like go out and hook up with guys and take drugs and stuff and I I just made it clear to her that like I didn't want her to go out with girls anymore I didn't want her to party anymore
• 83:00 - 83:30 and what was interesting was that she actually understood straight away and she changed her like her um her plans for me she was literally gonna go like move to University move into like this house with other girls and she genuinely changed the plan for me that's awesome right so I felt even more secure but then slowly like her friends and her family convinced her that this was controlling and manipulative and it wasn't because this wasn't me controlling her this was just me saying like I would feel too anxious if this was like I would invited that was your environment and this was like the
• 83:30 - 84:00 logistics of our relationship that you were constantly like partying and stuff and so her friends essentially like this is often what may happen to you especially as you like you know you acknowledge some things about what makes you anxious you'll notice that sometimes people will like poison your girl's mind like her whole friends her family would poison her from her her mind and tell her that the Hugo girl mentality and suddenly like her mind flipped and she was like yeah it is actually controlling what you're saying Hamza like you don't want me to like go out for girls nights
• 84:00 - 84:30 out with my friends you don't want me to go to parties and like flirt with guys there that's controlling and manipulative so we split up I expressed my need I expressed like you know how I felt that I felt anxious when she was getting into these these degenerate environments that aren't good for you this will generally not only be good for me because I'd feel less anxious but like it'd be good for her as well to take a step back from like the party drug scene of course it would but she couldn't really accept it and so
• 84:30 - 85:00 that made me it made it clear that we were incompatible along with also the scene the income compatibility of her family and friends who were encouraging her to actually be a degenerate it's like so we broke up imagine if I didn't Express this need and imagine if every time she went to a party or you know she eventually goes to live in like a house with his loads of parties I'm just there I'm just thinking is she cheating and she's flirting with guys imagine if I just lived with that because all the red pill alpha males are telling you to like never show like you know never like to say how you feel to a
• 85:00 - 85:30 girl or anything and I've gave advice like that before as well and I think in terms of attracting like a degenerate like I would have been able to keep this girl in my life right if I followed more of the red pill path which is like in a level that's kind in a way that's kind of successful like oh yeah yeah I see like you know but you split up afterwards you lost her bro like you would have been able to keep having sex with her if you just acted like it like like cold and like a Chad bro but it's like imagine how much mental turmoil I would have been through if I stayed there but like oh yeah but you get to have sex with her but I said who
• 85:30 - 86:00 gives a [ __ ] if there's a girl who's making you anxious it is not worth literally sex or anything else that she can give you I was honest I can communicated my needs she didn't respect that she didn't respect the boundaries and so we simply split up and like thank God that we did I'm proud of of how I handled that so her response to your effective communication when you you know tell a girl like how you feel how she responds to it is literally just
• 86:00 - 86:30 the best sign ever for you because if you tell her like oh I actually feel anxious about this and she finds it weird or she even looks like loses respect for you or something then you know that simply you're just not compatible with her and you know this is a new lens like a paradigm shift of dating which is like oh yeah this is the point of the point of dating isn't to try and get as many girls as you possibly can the point of dating is to try and find like the one or like the other multiple wives if you want to like the serious relationship which is
• 86:30 - 87:00 actually really good for you this is the point of dating is to rule out the people who aren't good for you and so to be honest with that effectively tell her what you think about something in your relationship like you know you want to get closer you feel anxious when she does this you feel anxious about you know one friend that she has you don't like the fact that she's got male friends or something like that right and just watch her response to see how she responds and then you'll
• 87:00 - 87:30 see if you are compatible or not and this I wrote this down like this is so healthy like we're used to playing games we're following tactics and strategies to get them to like us more to you know attract them or [ __ ] that improve yourself you know be a good man be a like a high status man right be be wealthy successfully don't stop improving yourself but then who be who you genuinely are with 100 truth when it comes to like serious dating
• 87:30 - 88:00 because you don't want to fall in love with a girl and have her fall in love with you only to realize that she actually fell in love with a fake version of you that you were putting on in the the first stages of your relationship and she's probably been doing that too as well this is a paradigm shift for me
• 88:00 - 88:30 which is somewhat anti-red pill I'm certain I'm not blue pill at all trust me I'm not I'm not blue pill black pill but this this issues with the red pill and it always comes down to its push for casual sex and it's lack of morality when it comes to that the red pill is a very interesting place especially the the subreddit that I used to visit because it by men becoming red pilled but also by men chasing casual sex that is the
• 88:30 - 89:00 destruction of society and that's the very thing that the red pill men kind of talk about like oh you know the West is finished and everything well is finished because of [ __ ] boys and and girls who degenerates it's the main reason why it's weird for me to acknowledge like you know being slightly anti-red pill because the red pill served me really well if you don't understand the red pill is like like this community online it was mostly on Reddit and now it's just all over YouTube it's like Tate has made it really popular and it's pretty
• 89:00 - 89:30 much a a mindset that you should kind of act like the stereotypical Chad like the alpha male to get girls and it works extremely well the the way that you will attract the most girls is by just being pure red pill but you start to realize that there's sex Above This level there's there's um success Above This level this level is just like oh yeah like you know just try and [ __ ] as many girls as possible and that feels awesome for so many guys
• 89:30 - 90:00 but there's levels above that which is how about you try and meet like a woman who's genuinely good for you and then learn how to [ __ ] her as many times as possible and it's ten times better with her because she actually knows what you like and she wants to put in the effort to make you feel good the self-improvement parts of the red pill is absolutely crucial I would not be the man that I am today if I didn't wake up every single morning on the The Red Pill subreddit and all these guys are saying to you know lift weights and
• 90:00 - 90:30 to eat clean and to not be a little [ __ ] that's 100 really good but when it comes to the dating tactics which say Okay act like this don't talk so much that's what it can get a little bit tricky Like We Said Today it makes you act like the stereotypical Chad who's cold and avoidance and when you do that and it's not the authentic version of you which if you've watched this much of the video it's that's not who you are you end up never connecting with the actual girl that you you end up never even attracting the girl that you
• 90:30 - 91:00 genuinely would be compatible with because she's not attracted to the Chad guy you end up attracting the girls who are attracted to this like avoidant personality you know this fake persona of yours who are literally damaged broken girls who who's like who the kind of love that they want is the one that they got from their father who was avoidance who like you know wasn't around like you don't want to attract girls like that they're attracted to you when you're not around they're attracted to you when you don't message them fast think about that they're attracted to you the less that you show them love
• 91:00 - 91:30 you don't want to get into a dynamic like that and even if you say well what if I just [ __ ] a few girls like that it's like degeneracies below you casual sex is below us now it was like such a big goal for so many of us a while ago that you know we wanted to [ __ ] as many girls as possible that feels awesome but just consider that like we're ambitious men in this there's an ambitious goal above that which is literally better for us in all ways so why don't we just set that ambitious
• 91:30 - 92:00 goal which is find the kind of wife that you still would have sex with five times a day even better to be in a loving secure relationship where you genuinely don't feel anxious where you genuinely it's like she has has added so much peace and security and love to your mind that now you're actually achieving your goals even faster like imagine you're literally getting to your goals faster because you
• 92:00 - 92:30 have like this genuinely good woman who you get no like bad like you still get you know some anxious thoughts and stuff but you like you're able to solve these out and trust me the every step that you take towards like a good woman and effectively communicate into her about these anxious attachment Styles and telling her the truth and you know being scared to like open up about this every step that you take it's like you become like a new level of man you actually start to know what authenticity actually is and you start to make more money in your business you start to have more of your mental capacity and you
• 92:30 - 93:00 heal those childhood wounds that have have cursed you for all of your life it is scary to defy the red pill it is scary to defy like Andrew Tate and to say to your woman that you're you're scared and you're anxious it's scary to do those things but major growth comes at the end of this because you actually become Who You Are for so long I dumbed myself down to
• 93:00 - 93:30 attract like girls from the nightclub girls on Tinder like when I think back to the kind of man I was acting like I was when I was going out to night clubs and stuff and I was like getting these girls it's like we had nothing in common but I would pretend to be the guy that I knew that these girls were attracted to and they were all over it and so I got the success of like you know how being able to have sex with random girls that pleasure doesn't last and pleasure is not even good for you anyway because like Andrew huberman says this about dopamine the pleasure always leads to
• 93:30 - 94:00 pain the more pleasure that we indulge in the more pain you will go through and so why not just why why would you take pain just for the pursuit of like sleeping with some random drunk girl who also guess what she just [ __ ] a guy three days ago anyway so it's not even special that you slept with her because other guys like literally like some guy who's 20 body fat just [ __ ] her a few days ago so like these girls that I at least I was sleeping with it's like what's the point it's like there's no gain to that especially when you're like a disciplined guy who's working on like
• 94:00 - 94:30 business and purpose it's like why not get a girl who helps that bro if you find a woman who literally helps you with your purpose in your business by like 10 percent compared to going out to nightclubs like all these degenerate pickup artists like you can bro you can go look at any pickle passes on YouTube literally just look at their faces they don't look like they have souls they genuinely don't look like they've got any of their souls left you see this with every man and woman who's like had too much casual sex you can see that their soul has left them it's just literally you can physically just go go on to YouTube
• 94:30 - 95:00 right now and just search for like like like Pick Up Artist advice or some [ __ ] or like Pick Up Artist react to something you can literally look at these guys they look like they don't have souls because they've spent all their time just learning how to like sleep with degenerate women in the L.A it destroys you inside but you don't realize it till it's too late foreign
• 95:00 - 95:30 who you really are and I think this is the way to go about it so when you start dating let's say you've either got a girl right now or you know you're going on a date be upfront with the kind of guy that you are and what you're like in a relationship this isn't to say on the first date tell her yeah let's get married or some [ __ ] but it's essentially just be authentic when you get this thought this desire to text her text though but of course first make sure the prerequisites are there first
• 95:30 - 96:00 make sure that you're on self-improvement that you're being productive that you're working hard right these are like prerequisites you're not going to do well in either like any kind of strategy for dating if you don't actually have a life that you've been building up that's been you know actually valuable but from that point date in this most healthy way which is that when you look at this woman that you're interested in just ask yourself if you're actually compatible with her and the only way you'll you'll feel that
• 96:00 - 96:30 is if you're actually just authentic and you peel back these layers of discovering Who You Are you know what you want and then you just effectively communicate that to her know that inside of a relationship you need to feel secure and loved and reassured and close to your partner know that and know it with with confidence that that is something that you want in a relation something that I want in a relationship so settle for nothing less
• 96:30 - 97:00 so when for example you go on a date with a really hot girl but then she ignores your message for like 24 hours and then she comes back to you just think to yourself like but I don't want a partner like that so you message her instead of you know you ghosting her and you withdrawing and playing the game how about you just message us straight up and just saying like you know I was really impressed by our first date but I actually want to only be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel secure and you keep disappearing and I don't really want a girl like that in my life something like that and imagine just being totally honest and she's gonna reply or she's gonna ignore
• 97:00 - 97:30 it right but then you didn't lose anything because you weren't compatible with her if you got closer to this woman you would have had a [ __ ] experience or maybe she says you know what like oh like actually you're so right imagine you tell the truth like you know I don't want to be playing games and stuff I just want to you know whatever like this and she actually replies saying that you're absolutely right I don't even know why I was like ignoring your messages I just thought it'd make you like me more but like I'm so glad that you're being honest imagine being able to communicate that effectively with a woman now you're on the same side as her
• 97:30 - 98:00 now you're on the same team this is how healthy people date it just took us 20 years to get here foreign and again like a Counterpoint that people will bring up is like okay but what if you on a tractor what if you know she thinks you're being needy well then you weren't compatible with her in the first place and if you pushed for anything deeper with a woman like this you would have been hurt you would have eventually fallen in love and at some points you would begin to show the real you but she still would have been like
• 98:00 - 98:30 leaving you on red for like 24 hours you want to find these things early and no okay yeah she acts in this way that I don't like so I'm just not gonna date this girl the worst thing for your anxious attachment style and also just the worst thing honestly one of the worst things that can that could happen to you is that you fall in love with a girl who triggers your attachment system and makes you anxious having been there myself at points and maybe you've experienced this it is one of the worst experiences being totally in love with a girl who makes you like
• 98:30 - 99:00 neurotically anxious who you can't trust it is literally one of the worst experiences of of life and you got there most likely because you kind of lied about who you were when you were attracting her in the first place one quick point I just want to talk about is dating a girl who also has an anxious attachment Style so every book and podcast and stuff that I've looked at always talks about dating
• 99:00 - 99:30 in that you're the anxious attachment style person and you're dating an avoidant person someone who's always running away from you and stuff and I've never actually experienced that it's very interesting maybe I'm I'm abnormal in this it's something to do with me I guess but just from my own experience every girl that I've dated has also had an anxious attachment style as well so what this happens when you've got an anxious attachment style and she's got an anxious attachment stylist that you both become attached very seriously and very quickly like both of you like climb
• 99:30 - 100:00 up together in in the the stairway of love very quickly which feels so great you both of you both of you can't get enough of each other so you're so close you're literally physically like wrapped up in each other feels amazing till the honeymoon period ends and then the anxiety starts to form in your mind and maybe you're thinking about her sexual past maybe you think you can't trust her whatever it is but both of you then
• 100:00 - 100:30 fall down the like the whole of of anxiety and and resentment and and distrust maybe you're scared of opening up because you're scared of how she'll respond to you maybe she's scared that you'll abandon her like her father did
• 100:30 - 101:00 whatever it is if you are anxiously attached and you're dating and anxiously attached woman it can be very tricky because you both have pretty much the same characteristics and so what makes both of you unite pushes it up fast but what makes both of you have some kind of problems pushes it down fast this can be this can go wrong and it it very easily will go wrong for you
• 101:00 - 101:30 the only way that I can think of to make this work let's say just right now if you're dating an anxiously attached woman what you can do is to learn about this stuff about attachment styles with her as honest as you like you know we've I've been hyping you up to be to be authentic and to tell her your needs we need her to do the exact same thing there's research out there that 100 it's obvious that the best kind of person that you should date is someone with a secure attachment style someone who's healthy and you know who is like who's been raised right and everything but
• 101:30 - 102:00 actually there's a few anxiously attached couples where both man and woman are anxiously attached and they actually do really really well together but only if they're both understanding about attachment Styles and they both kind of keep in mind that it's like your responsibility to give your gift of love and reassurance to the other person if both of you at the same time can agree on saying like this is actually like something like a huge area of
• 102:00 - 102:30 growth we're both gonna try and be as honest and upfront and authentic Suddenly It's like you actually get like I'm telling you from experience right now this is the thing that will put your like your your progress in this area on the fastest track that I can think of possible where both you and your partner are looking into attachment Styles and you've both gave this promise that yeah we'll try our best to both of us will try our best to like you know open up and be authentic and I can message my girl and say like I feel anxious about
• 102:30 - 103:00 this I could say it totally honestly I feel anxious because you've got a friend who's a bit of a hoe and I'm scared that you'll meet her for a party and you might cheat and when you've got a girl who can take a message like that and literally say like oh I'm so sorry that you feel that way like yeah you're right actually I've been thinking more about that friend and I don't even want to be friends with her anymore someone that she's going to send her one last message today imagine how good you're gonna feel and of course what one lesson this is really specific advice I don't know if this is going to be applicable for you or not but one or the slight lesson I can give you is from what I've learned
• 103:00 - 103:30 from the way of the superior man is that the superior man doesn't just guide his woman into the direction that he wants her to go into the superior man guides his woman into the Divine Direction the direction that is best for her objectively and that hopefully should be with you so a decision that I like to make when it comes to encouraging and guiding and sometimes making my woman take some kind of decisions some actions like okay you can't be friends with this person
• 103:30 - 104:00 anymore it's the thing okay is this just for me or is this genuinely like a direction of growth for her so just keep that in mind because this is a genuinely like you know the modern day soft people will say that this is controlling misogynist this is your gift as a man like this is one of the most important things that you should do as a man is to guide your woman into the best life possible and so if she has bad influences it should literally be like a part of your daily tasks to get her away from that in the most loving way where
• 104:00 - 104:30 you show but you don't you know say it out of like oh yeah if you don't stop being friends with it I'll break up with you because you you give her this fear of Abandonment and you know she needs to clutch on to love you make her feel so loved and so secure that then you could you you say it almost as if her reputation is better than that like I'm kind of surprised that you're friends with someone like that I'm surprised that you still like to go to parties because you've got onto self-improvement and you've really improved so much and and then you literally like if you do this in the right way your girl will literally say to you like you yeah you're so right it's just like an old habit that like you know I'm still
• 104:30 - 105:00 friends with these people but like I've got nothing in common with them and I keep actually thinking like I don't even want to see them anymore but I just feel like scared to do do it you know because you know girl code and everything and if you do this through love in a way that you kind of say like I feel quite anxious when you do this but I still love you anyway because you're remembering okay like she still has the anxious attachment style as well so it's like you know you're keeping that in mind you can really grow well together just know that anytime you want to be honest and authentic about what you feel a
• 105:00 - 105:30 little bit anxious about to a girl who's also anxious know that she might then start to feel anxious because you know if you tell her like oh I really feel bad right now she's not only she wants to help you but she's gonna start to feel anxious herself so it's like it's like this this constant give and take which I don't know if this is applicable to anyone else but honestly it's it's the best feeling I've ever had in a relationship is when we're managing this really well honestly it's absolutely incredible of how much I've developed as a person in a
• 105:30 - 106:00 very short amount of time when I kind of have like this agreements to both for both of us to give like this gift of love and reassurance to think about the other person whilst we also are promising to like open up and be authentic and one more time if things don't work out if for example if it turns out worst case scenario that you know you you act like proper honest and everything but it turns out worst case scenario that she's been like thinking that you're a chump
• 106:00 - 106:30 because of this and that that hurts to think about it simply means that you weren't even compatible anyway that's all we've got to think about it just means that okay she wasn't the girl that I'm actually compatible with okay you know it hurts that she betrayed me or that she thought worse with me because I was being honest about these things but this is literally the process of dating it's just finding out if someone's compatible with you and or not the process of dating is literally to just try to be as real of who you actually are of your deep inner thoughts
• 106:30 - 107:00 and feelings and to find out if someone else can can pair up with you with that and then to try and find out their deep inner thoughts and feelings there's something interesting I learned which I just want to teach you about which is that arguments in in dating in like couples is actually really normal so you know like the Hollywood movies and and all the you know the modern day propaganda they make it seem like if a couple argues it's a bad thing and it's almost
• 107:00 - 107:30 like a milestone or you know like you might have heard some couples say like oh yeah like you know we we've been together for nine months and we've literally never argued that's actually a horrible sign because what it actually means the other couple that says this maybe you said this about yours or maybe your girl said this or you've heard some couple say oh we never argue like you know we never disagree on anything what it actually means is they're not bringing like they're not communicating what's going on but inside of their minds they're probably resenting each other but they're not speaking about it because an
• 107:30 - 108:00 argument shouldn't be toxic it shouldn't be aggressive right but you should have disagreements you should have some moments of conflicts of disagreements right and in the modern day we're told to like kind of avoid this and to be this like perfect couple that never disagrees on any everything because this is what we see in movies but it's not realistic secure couples still argue and literally still fight but in different ways because if you're authentic and honest you're gonna have lots of many disagreements through your time together
• 108:00 - 108:30 because when you when you get into a real couple you're really sharing a lot of experiences together and you're gonna disagree on a lot of things but we're told that these disagreements are a bad thing and so we avoid them we keep them inside we think this thing about her but we don't say it because we don't want to start like an argument because you know we want to hit that Milestone like the happy couple who say we never argue you're the girl who says that about her and her boyfriend that girl's getting
• 108:30 - 109:00 [ __ ] by another guy or when you see it online and oh yeah we never argue we've literally never had a single fight it's because both of them resent each other in their minds oh like literally the research I like this [ __ ] I've seen the the good relationships they actually go through a lot of conflict and disagreements but it's just like we and that's because they're able to be honest with each other and they're able to look at each other and say like oh I don't like that you did this the perfect couple that that never argues they don't say that so the girl
• 109:00 - 109:30 thinks I don't like that you did this but doesn't say it and one thing leads to another three months later she's [ __ ] someone else without telling him like literally cheating you need to have the confidence to think you can say to your partner I don't like that you did this I feel this way I feel like this I would rather do this because it's easier to just go along with what's what's you know the easiest thing especially with as a masculine man in terms of working it's easier for you to
• 109:30 - 110:00 just kind of go along with your girl wants to see you and you're like yeah whatever yeah you can call you know you don't want to upset her it's harder to look her in the face and say you know like I'll just be totally honest baby like I don't actually want to see you just yet it's not because I love you I really do love you but like I'm so in work mode and I just if I saw you right now I just wouldn't be able to be present with you I've I've got nothing to worry about I'm sure I'm going to see you very soon but just for the next few days like I'm so focused on work other than on like on the opposite hand you could have just invited her over spent time with her when you didn't want to and you're resenting her thinking oh
• 110:00 - 110:30 I just wish I could work I just wish I could be with my friends or something if you're honest there's gonna be lots of many disagreements and conflicts that arise with you and your partner so instead of hoping for a relationship where there's no disagreements no arguments no fights you should Instead try to build the skills and and the awareness of how to go about conflicts in a healthy way and it is totally realistic I don't believe that the Hollywood lies don't leave that ideal happy couple or
• 110:30 - 111:00 anything it's totally realistic so the idea is number one when you literally just just be honest and effectively communicate how you feel and what you think there's gonna be lots of times through the day where you actually don't like something about your partner and if you hold that in you will be like that old couple that resents each other for something that happened 40 years ago and they've never fully loved each other since then they've always been bickering and literally nagging at each other they've stopped having sex and
• 111:00 - 111:30 everything there's got to be something in your mind where you think you're literally anxious about your girl for something maybe for good reason maybe not maybe there's something that you're going to be disappointed about and if you don't acknowledge this and if you don't effectively say this to her it will eat you alive and you'll literally think about it when you're next to her sometimes you'll think about these things when you're literally having sex with her it's not good for your bonding experience so the next time something comes up and you start to think of you
• 111:30 - 112:00 know something that you should say to her don't hide it away in the most respectful loving way especially if your woman has anxious attachment style herself but even if she doesn't say it in such a loving web like you know I really really love you and everything but there's this one thing that I really would love to work on together and it's this show that there's three strategies in terms of like communicating this and in terms of you know navigating uh conflict show that you care about her well-being
• 112:00 - 112:30 understand that a conflict and a disagreement doesn't need to be like uh us them a zero-sum game that in these moments of conflict in these moments of like you know you both disagree on something both of you can win and the more ambitious man tries to find a way where you both win so whatever you know there's so many things could disagree on it's from as small as like what thing to watch on
• 112:30 - 113:00 YouTube together what food to get to like big disagreements and everything and the way you guys act to each other the more ambitious man will find a way where both of you feel like you're winning and this is important and and this you know this real science to say like the happier your partner is if you make your partner happy you feel happier which is kind of Common Sense and when you understand this with like another Primal nervous system if we make her feel happy and loved chances are we're probably gonna feel happier and loved literally just by the act of us doing that but not only of course that since
• 113:00 - 113:30 they're happier and more in love they're gonna give that more to us too so sometimes it's easier for me to think of ways to make her happier than it is to make myself happier does this make sense like I know this this can push onto that that somewhat cringe motto of like happy wife happy life or something and it isn't that oh yeah you should just sacrifice everything for your wife or something but it's more to think like you should keep in mind through the day that you want to make your woman as happy as you
• 113:30 - 114:00 can do that that's not simping I shouldn't need to explain this like that's the pointer in a relationship and you should only be in a relationship with a girl who literally thinks the same thing about you and so when there is some kind of disagreements you should you should try to like make it like a win-win for both of you and sometimes that's as simple as just getting your own way but just showing your woman a bit of love at the same time another thing is when there is some kind of conflict let's say you need to tell us something right or something you're upset about whatever focus on the task
• 114:00 - 114:30 at hand so this is something I struggle with there's a very specific thing that's happening right now that's made you feel like this which is like okay her female friend who's a hoe this thing that she was disrespectful about this thing that you did and she's saying it to you it's very easy for that to overblow and instead of being about this situation it becomes more about each other's character and about each other as a whole and that's like when it gets catastrophic and it gets into a huge argument and offensive and everything there's a brilliant piece of advice when it comes to becoming more successful and
• 114:30 - 115:00 it's simply just like Define the problem specifically like when you're trying to work on something half of the problem is just defining exactly what the problem is like oftentimes like you don't actually know what you're even working on and so this sounds a bit like obsessive or whatever but before you're about to go through some kind of conflict with your girl you could literally write down okay what is this conflict specifically about at the top of a page or a page on your computer and really just discipline yourself to just focus on that one instance and of course there's other things that you might want to talk about but you can solve this
• 115:00 - 115:30 specific thing every time they arise and it's like you're getting one percent better each way and quickly you're building up like a list of experiences of memories that you've had where you guys have come together and overcome some things rather than having one thing that leads to like this Outburst where you start to say that she's a bad person in general rather than oh she messed up in this one particular area that we'd like to talk about and hopefully we can confirm that it'll never happen again final one in terms of
• 115:30 - 116:00 hang on it's hard recording these videos bro there's no editing this is a one take video I've been talking for like two hours my throat's dry one the final thing in terms of overcoming some kind of conflict and and disagreements it's just to engage so this is something again that I need to work on it's very easy when they become some kind of problem in the relationship to
• 116:00 - 116:30 disengage and to withdraw I have a natural tendency to do this whenever they get some kind of like you know it's a problem I'll I'll disappear I'll stop replying some messages I'll just like you know create some distance I'll go to the gym and not reply to my messages and maybe this is something I did as like a little baby like I took a step back from my parents when they were arguing or something like that but then this doesn't get anything like done now of course if you're feeling really angry and emotional or maybe she
• 116:30 - 117:00 is it's awesome to suggest okay let's cool down let's just go for a walk let's just go do something maybe separate let's you know like let me just go to the gym and I can like you know really get my head in the right place let me Journal that's really good that's like essentially you're still engaged but you're just choosing a better mental state to do it you know you show to your apartment like I know I really love you but it'd be better if we just did this in like an hour let me just go like like cool my head but I'll still be here don't worry foreign and also just bear in mind that whilst
• 117:00 - 117:30 if you do take a you know a little moment to clear your head like she's probably feeling worried as well remember like a lot of this is you know we only spoke about ourselves through this but now it's since we're talking about you know really dating a woman and stuff know that she's probably feeling worried too and literally the fastest way that you can make yourself feel less worried is by making her feel less worried first because when you make her feel less worried and she starts to feel like the loving Bond again she's going to give it back to you and often as men we need to take the first step it's just like
• 117:30 - 118:00 literally how it works with the masculine men we take responsibility we take the first step which is really hard and especially if you feel like a little bit resentful and you want her to take the masculine First Step you can do but oftentimes like she'll be too scared to do it because she is more vulnerable than us you know at the end of the day we are caveman and woman and like she needs us to take the first step towards everything in life that's that's just what we have to do as men and it can feel really hard at moments of you know problems in the relationship for us to take the first step that even if she's done something bad that we need to show
• 118:00 - 118:30 her love and that's when she'll crumble down and then show us the love that we needed in the first place and that's just how it works in a relationship between masculine and feminine woman so when some [ __ ] does happen in a relationship you can resolve it in literally minutes by just staying engaged and you know figuring it out together showing her love and trying to engage with this one particular problem and you can get rid of it within minutes or you could be that middle-aged couple that literally still resents each other
• 118:30 - 119:00 for something that they did to 20 years ago you see this with some couples maybe you see this with your family it's not it's not like unheard of or like unlikely to see genuinely like a middle-aged husband and wife who you know it seems like they don't really like each other they don't have sex they're always bickering and stuff and it literally started because of something 10 years ago that was minor but they never said anything about it they just had like a big fight and one of them left the house for like a day and then they came back they never really apologized and they always have these negative thoughts
• 119:00 - 119:30 you don't want that you want everything out in the open if you want to stay with her engage fearlessly and resolve the things that happens now that was the three things we should do there's things that we should avoid and we're more likely to do these getting sidetracked from the current problem so you know just just you know there's a specific problem right now she did this you did this you feel like this whatever whatever it is
• 119:30 - 120:00 but then you just like I said before it's like you build build it up to some bigger thing and and oh no you did this and that's because you're a bad person that's because you're a light like you you catastrophic catches sort of you may how do you say the word catastrophize I can't even say that but you make the the event as big as it possibly could be instead of actually just looking at the events as what it actually was whatever the disagreement was this is what like some couples do it's like they'll literally have a disagreement of what to
• 120:00 - 120:30 eat and then they'll genuinely go into an argument about each other's character oh but you never you always change your mind but you always do this it's like but it was literally just about what to eat if you stayed on track with that you wouldn't have went into a full-blown arguments another one of course of you know an issue in conflict is not effectively communicating so as soon as you feel like a a thought and a feeling and and you should just say this to them but in the most loving and and respectful way that you can because if you keep
• 120:30 - 121:00 something in your mind you will hold resentments attacking them being hostile angry these are quite obvious it's like in a conflict like just make sure you don't turn into an [ __ ] make sure you don't raise your voice they're going to speak to her as if she is the woman that you're in love with because she is Tit for Tat which means kind of like you know if she did this I'm gonna do this making her jealous trying to one-up them with drawing not focus on their
• 121:00 - 121:30 well-being or caring about them you know these are things that you do not because you're a bad person but just because they just you know these are just how we've kind of built ourselves over the last like 20 years to wrap this section up in terms of dating someone else just know that okay we know we have needs we know that we want to be in a in a loving secure relationship that's really really awesome so does she
• 121:30 - 122:00 and women are a lot more sensitive to like you know anxiety than we are so if you're dating a woman who's secure then you still need to show her like a really good level of love and everything fine but if you are a dating a woman who's anxiously attached just like we've been saying so much in this this video that like you know like we need to you know show our needs and we really want someone to love us and to be consistent well we should want to do that for her you have the gift the same way that she
• 122:00 - 122:30 does even if you're dating a woman who's secure she still needs your gift of compassionate love she still needs you to sometimes help regulate her that you can be the guy now that regulates someone's nervous system and you know they look at you and they see that you genuinely just want good for them that you genuinely just love them and no matter how secure and healthy a person is like there's going to be moments in their time when they need that from you and if you can start to prepare yourself for moments like that right now like that is the greatest gift that you could give to someone it's
• 122:30 - 123:00 literally regulate their nervous system so that they feel safe they feel loved and that will calm them down that will make them feel loved and warm and happy and social and relax their muscles and suddenly they'll give it back to you and you and your girl will be able to unite into like this beautiful loving relationship that we we see so rarely these days because we play so many games and tactics and we pretend to be more busy than we actually are now be busy I want to keep giving this
• 123:00 - 123:30 disclaimer be busy have good friends that you spend time with workout don't look at your phone whilst you're working and stuff do those things build yourself up but when it comes to the woman that you want to pair up with be who you are because after a year ago goes by you don't want to find out that the woman that you've got an attachment and a pair bondware that you've built history with you don't want to find out that she's actually like fallen in love with someone who's not even real you want to be as real as you possibly
• 123:30 - 124:00 can be because you will just filter out the women who then aren't even compatible with you and when you do meet the woman who is compatible with you and it won't be some fairytale you'll still have to work on it that's when you'll start to get this beautiful beautiful experience when you can genuinely feel like how you were supposed to feel and when that happens to you right now this sounds vague but I promise you when that happens to you you'll start to realize like you know all those quotes and stuff that you heard like yes social connections the most important thing that humans are supposed to be in tribes and stuff you will start to see that and be like wow
• 124:00 - 124:30 the most important thing in life is actually other people and one last Quick section just to let you know that they can be other people outside of dating too so mostly we've just spoke about you know your intimate partner with a girl and that's where attaching styles are the most like sensitive in everything but you should try to get lots of people to co-regulate with you should try to have like friends in a community and a tribe
• 124:30 - 125:00 of people who will help you ease your nerves and make you feel welcomed and safe and everything and this this two suggestions I can give you here one is my own private paid Community if you're interested in that I've never mentioned it before on like videos but it's called Adonis Academy and it's like a smaller group it's like not a Discord server it's like literally there's less than 200 people in this compared to my Discord server that's got like a 200 000 but this is like a smaller Community
• 125:00 - 125:30 where we're a lot closer and we meet up in person and everything so if you're interested in that there's a link in the description but otherwise if you just want like free places you can join like sports clubs and Discord servers you know online like YouTubers communities and everything running groups and there's some places which aren't like totally free but they're totally worth the price which is like martial arts clubs the the one that I'm at which I highly recommend is like a chain franchise it's called Gracie Barra it's like a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu club and it's like very good very like standardized
• 125:30 - 126:00 it's got extremely nice warm loving people and it's like it's got like almost this family Vibe this club that I go to where you walk in and people actually know you once you've rented like you know two three times people know you you drilled with this guy last time and he's saying oh how are you this morning and stuff and like just feeling like you're welcome in this new place or you know in the same place after a while and long time long time that really helps you to feel co-regulated it really helps you to feel like yeah I am safe here I am accepted here I am loved
• 126:00 - 126:30 we needed that from childhood for some unfortunate circumstance we didn't really get it from our parents but there's absolutely nothing stopping us from getting it from other people these days I hope this video has helped you and if there's one last thing you do just before you click off this video let it just be to start to form a new self-image for yourself so really just close your eyes for like literally 20 seconds and just just see
• 126:30 - 127:00 the version of you that is actually co-regulated and connected and like there you are with a smile on your face and one by one other people are coming in so warm and receptive with the perfect body language and like they're just wrapping their arms around you and and like there you are in the tribe as you were supposed to be that is who you are now you have the skills and the knowledge and the capability to achieve that and I wish that for you
• 127:00 - 127:30 I wish it for myself as well do the hard work especially when you don't feel like it mwah