Relationship Rollercoasters and the Pursuit of Growth

2 Be Better Podcast Episode #3

Estimated read time: 1:20

Summary

In Episode #3 of the 2 Be Better Podcast, The Chris's delve into a myriad of relationship challenges, offering candid advice and strategies for improvement. As they navigate through various listener emails, they cover topics ranging from managing long-distance parenting, dealing with impactful past relationship choices, to tackling the intricacies of individual and shared growth within partnerships. The episode emphasizes the importance of clear communication, setting boundaries, and maintaining mutual respect to ensure a thriving relationship. It also explores the transformative power of accountability, both individually and collectively, to foster a deeper connection and understanding between partners.

Highlights

The Chris's break down the significance of communication in maintaining a healthy relationship 🤝.
They discuss the challenges of co-parenting and its impact on current relationships 👨‍👧‍👦.
Emphasizing the need for clear boundaries with exes to protect the current relationship 🛑.
Addressing personal growth and self-improvement as vital components of a successful partnership 🌱.
The importance of validating each other's emotions and experiences in a marriage ❤️.

Key Takeaways

Establish clear communication to avoid misunderstandings and conflicts 🎯.
Set boundaries with ex-partners to focus on current relationships 🔒.
Prioritize time management to maintain household harmony and personal sanity ⏰.
Mutual respect and understanding are key in all interactions 💬.
Personal accountability is essential for personal and relationship growth 📈.

Overview

In this engaging episode, The Chris's explore the complexities of modern relationships, stressing the importance of communication in preventing misunderstandings and conflicts. Their discussions reveal that clear and open dialogues are foundational to resolving issues both big and small.

As they read through listener emails, they tackle the often tricky navigation of co-parenting, stressing the necessity of setting firm boundaries with exes to ensure the current relationship remains the priority. The hosts offer practical advice for maintaining balance and respect in these situations.

Finally, the episode brings to light the critical role of personal growth and accountability in relationships. By highlighting real-life scenarios, The Chris's effectively illustrate that mutual respect and understanding are crucial to nurturing a thriving partnership and addressing emotional needs.

Chapters

00:00 - 01:30: Introduction and Disclaimer In this chapter titled 'Introduction and Disclaimer', the hosts, known as 'the Chris's', introduce their podcast '2B Better'. They state that the podcast includes question and answer sessions, emails, and general discussions. They are emphasizing a disclaimer that they are not professionals and that their discussions are based on personal opinions, experiences, and knowledge obtained from other sources. They encourage listeners to share the podcast if they find value in it and question why someone wouldn't subscribe.
01:31 - 03:30: About the Podcast This chapter discusses the importance of subscribing to stay updated with the podcast. The hosts express appreciation for audience feedback through comments, emphasizing how reading listeners' insights about the show or their relationships is rewarding. They encourage more engagement by inviting listeners to submit questions or share their stories via email. The hosts assure that all emails will be read anonymously, fostering a safe space for open communication.
03:31 - 05:30: Podcast Reach & Media Platforms This chapter discusses the importance of clear communication when sending stories or issues to the podcast team. It emphasizes the need for details and balance in sharing problems, as only presenting one side will lead to a one-sided response. The team encourages accountability and growth, offering honest and unbiased opinions while warning that they are not "yes men."
05:31 - 10:30: Dealing with Online Negativity In this chapter titled 'Dealing with Online Negativity,' the speakers embrace a candid approach, offering honest perspectives even if they might not align with the listeners' preferences. The chapter is part of the '2B Better' podcast series hosted by the Chris's, specifically episode three. Its purpose is to simplify communication by addressing common questions through a YouTube link, thus minimizing repetitive explanations. Additionally, the hosts discuss administrative aspects like emails and announcements, including the upcoming launch of their Patreon to facilitate live coaching sessions.
10:31 - 13:00: Importance of Check-ins in Relationships The chapter emphasizes the growing importance of check-ins in maintaining and nurturing relationships. As the speakers prepare to focus more on podcasting and potentially offering live coaching through platforms like Patreon, they recognize the necessity of regular communication and feedback from their audience. This ensures that they are meeting the needs of their listeners and clients adequately. By introducing structured questionnaires and facilitating different ways to engage, they aim to create a more meaningful and impactful connection. This process will help them in tailoring their services more effectively, thereby enhancing the quality of interactions and support offered.
13:01 - 19:11: Addressing Negative Habits in Communication The chapter discusses the process of distributing content across various platforms including iHeart Radio, Amazon, Apple, Spotify, and others. It highlights the speaker's efforts to ensure their content is accessible everywhere by researching and placing RSS feeds appropriately. This illustrates a proactive approach in overcoming communication barriers by leveraging technology and improving content reach.
19:12 - 25:30: Intimacy and Relationship Maintenance The chapter discusses the importance of choosing the right platform for content distribution, with a preference for YouTube due to its monetization capabilities. It briefly touches on the creator's challenges with mental health and its impact on maintaining a regular presence on platforms like TikTok.
25:31 - 31:30: Challenges in Long-Term Relationships In this chapter, the speaker reflects on their experience receiving harsh criticism and negative comments on social media, particularly TikTok. The speaker mentions being insulted by strangers, called derogatory names, and told not to share advice due to having tattoos on their face. Despite these comments, the speaker questions why tattoos should influence the validity of their statements. They conclude by noting the impact of these interactions on their emotional state.
31:31 - 39:00: The Impact of Hormones on Relationships This chapter discusses the social media reactions faced by the speaker, particularly negative comments received on TikTok. One person accused the speaker of being committed to a man who will never fully reciprocate her dedication. Another comment mentioned that the speaker's partner is supposedly afraid of her, which the speaker dismisses as a foolish remark. The chapter sets the scene for a deeper dive into the topic of the impact of hormones on relationships, suggesting social perceptions and personal dynamics as key areas of exploration.
39:01 - 40:30: Addressing Relationship Concerns The chapter discusses a structured check-in approach for addressing relationship concerns. It builds upon a series of questions initially used to evaluate mental health and relationship performance. Initially starting with three key questions—concerning mental health, the evaluation of one's spouse, and areas for improvement—the process has expanded to include feedback on weekly performance, covering both the low points and exceptional achievements. This approach is aimed at fostering better understanding and communication within relationships.
40:31 - 44:00: Evaluating Trust and Vulnerability The chapter focuses on the importance of trust and communication in relationships, emphasizing that these elements allow couples to grow together. It suggests having regular check-ins and maintaining open communication as a means to strengthen the relationship. Additionally, the chapter discusses the importance of eliminating distractions like phones and tvs during these moments of connection, even incorporating gestures like sitting in each other's laps to enhance intimacy and focus.
44:01 - 83:30: Analyzing Detailed Relationship Scenarios This chapter focuses on the dynamics of conducting face-to-face, intimate conversations in relationships. It discusses the importance of engaging in uninterrupted dialogues to explore detailed relationship scenarios, highlighting the significance of asking questions and discussing them thoroughly. Some people have reported that their initial 'check-in' conversations were extensive but resulted in noticeable positive changes in their partners. The chapter emphasizes the value of having honest and conflict-free discussions to strengthen relationships.
83:31 - 86:30: Concluding Thoughts and Encouragement for Growth The chapter emphasizes the importance of framing conversations with questions rather than statements to encourage engagement and avoid defensiveness. The approach of asking 'Do you have a minute?' instead of 'We need to talk' is highlighted as a way to obtain a more positive response. This chapter lays the groundwork for further discussion on effective communication techniques.

2 Be Better Podcast Episode #3 Transcription

00:00 - 00:30 all right welcome back to the 2B better podcast we are the Chris's uh we do question and answers emails and sometimes we simply talk [ __ ] but first a disclaimer we are not professionals no everything that we speak on is opinions derived from experiences and outside knowledge we've gotten from other resources MH if you get any value or something we said resonates with you share this yes that's how we grow and if you're not subscribed why not yeah that's a good question if you're not
00:30 - 01:00 subscribed you're going to miss out on this whole experience that's the Chris that is the Chris please leave a comment your comments are actually super dope to read knowing how that we've impacted you or your relationship it just helps us continue do what we're doing and it shows that what we say work sometimes and to submit a question or just to email us and say how we've helped or maybe constructive criticism email us at 2B betterco gmail.com the number two the number two emails will be read anonymously on this podcast unless
01:00 - 01:30 specified otherwise by the sender so if you don't want us to put your story out there tell us that correct if you're going to send emails please be as detailed as possible if you give us a one-sided email about how your partner is the problem that is all we will address yeah you will get a one-sided reply yes nobody is perfect take accountability everybody can grow preach and we are giving unbiased honest opinions we are not yes men so if you submit something to us be prepared for
01:30 - 02:00 an answer that you might not like getting but we are going to give you a very honest outside perspective is that the full disclaimer yeah now to the episode welcome back to 2B better podcast we are the Chris's we are on episode three we are going to be going over check-ins and report cards so that I don't have to continue going over this with people I can just send them a link to the YouTube channel um we have emails to go over we have some discussions that we want to have um I guess announcements as well because we're getting close to the patreon going live so that we can start doing live coaching
02:00 - 02:30 um we're going to get to the point where we are going to not be answering emails as much you know it'll be just podcast answers only so we'll be filtering through those um when the patreon thing is set up and we start doing live coaching we're going to be sending links to people with a questionnaire if we can help them and then sending them a link to patreon so they can pick how they would like to work with us versus doing this right we'll still be doing the podcast answering questions and taking content and doing things like that but this is going to be um less prevalent because we're spending a lot of time
02:30 - 03:00 answering emails for free mhm so um we are on iHeart radio now so I've got us on Amazon iHeart Radio Apple Spotify Stitcher pod Vine um pod Pocket Cast I don't know every time somebody's like hey can you get on this I'm like I don't know can I and I go look and I can get us on there it really just takes a little bit of Google search to figure out where to put my RSS feed and I can get us on there So eventually we should be on everything I know that um my RSS feed because I pay
03:00 - 03:30 for the service puts it out automatically to things but I don't I'm not like actively looking for new podcast streams I would rather people subscribe to YouTube because then we can monetize YouTube and do all of that and actually make money from these emails but so do you have any announcements or anything you want to talk about you have been very absent on Tik Tok the last few days yeah I have I am going through a lot mentally yeah so I I can't put out good videos when I'm not all in on it we have been getting
03:30 - 04:00 well uh me specifically I have been getting [ __ ] on super hard on Tik Tok yeah been told somebody told me that I am um a spawn of Satan I've been told to un alive myself again um I've been told numerous times that they would never take advice from somebody who has tattoos on their face which I don't really give a [ __ ] if you take my advice or not I don't understand why my tattoos have a bearing on the facts that I'm speaking um but apparently it does so um I did wake up
04:00 - 04:30 to some hate on Tik Tok this morning yeah yeah people telling you you were slave or what oh I had one person tell me that I am dedicating myself to a man who will never be fully dedicated to me and I have no idea where the [ __ ] that came from somebody told me on my Tik Tok today that you were actually afraid of me I saw that yeah I I responded to him I said what a stupid comment yep all right so let's get into the the the um
04:30 - 05:00 the the checkin and SL report card so for those of you who are who have been following us on either Tik Tok or watched any of this you probably already know these things we went from the original three questions how is your mental health how am I doing as a husband and what can I do better as a husband and we added what did I do poorly this week and what did I do exceptionally well this week so we're at five I've added five more okay and I I've listed a whole bunch of things out here that I want to talk about that's crucial to the check-ins but I want to explain a little bit what we do and why we do them so that people understand that this is more about making a better
05:00 - 05:30 relationship and less about saving a marriage the check-ins can absolutely do that if you're able to have a communication uh open communication with your partner and you trust them and you're safe this is not that this is just to continue to grow together as a couple right so we've added the phones have to be completely put away they can't just be out they have to be put in a pocket or put in another room so that they're not there TV's off radio's off um we added the sit in the lap thing that we can
05:30 - 06:00 look each other face to face and there's no distractions we have intimate conversation that way um and then you ask the questions you discuss the questions and then um I wrote down some other things to take account of when you're doing this we've had a couple people say that the first check-in that they did was hours long mhm and they saw immediate changes in their partner because they were able to have a um true conversation without there being conflict or or any kind of compatitive behavior and I think it's important to
06:00 - 06:30 remember those things um all right so let's get to the questions first once you've you've got your partner's undivided attention it's important that when you do this that you don't say we need to talk right you need to say do you have a minute because when you ask a question versus making a statement you're going to get a different response when you ask a question you're getting them to engage when you make a statement you can make them defensive or it has a triggering negative undertone so that's a problem and I'll get into that in a minute so the questions now are the
06:30 - 07:00 original five um how is your mental health how am I doing as your partner what can I do to be better as your partner what did I drop the ball on this week and what did I do exceptionally well this week bonus questions are how um how am I doing at meeting your emotional and intimacy needs how would you rate our sex life on a scale of 1 to 10 are you happy with the division of housework do you feel safe with me and what is something that we should do that we haven't because now you are taking the first half of the conversation and
07:00 - 07:30 having a lot of like personal hard talk because those those questions are they're intimate they're hard you're getting a an honest truthful discussion the following five questions can U make sure that nobody's overworked in the home it's going to make sure that um all needs are being met emotionally intimacy sexually whatever um and then you can start using the the last question to start maybe planning vacations to find new places to eat
07:30 - 08:00 whatever the case may be so I thought those were pretty good um things to remember when you're doing these uh if you haven't set boundaries or expectations in your relationship this could be a good time to do so if you have set set boundaries this is a great time to make sure that both of you have the same definitions of the boundary set um we've talked about in the past that communication is not just verbalizing things it's also listening to understand being able to communicate to make sure that everybody's on the same page with everything and people always ask us about the expectations and
08:00 - 08:30 the contracts that we have and this is a good opportunity for you to implement that because you're already in a position where you have your partner's undivided attention do you have anything you want to add to that I feel like I'm doing a whole lot talking I I didn't even know you added five things to it I know cuz I wanted to shock you so you'd have something to talk about I'm actually pretty excited about that yeah yeah okay um you want to avoid phrases like you never or you always these come across as combative and can be used um as tools of manipulation and some cases um I want to
08:30 - 09:00 throw something in real quick before you move on so this morning when I messaged you I'm not going to go into what the text message was about but there was a point where I said I feel guilty for whatever the situation was I almost said it makes me feel guilty but nothing is making me feel guilty I have that feeling right so I wanted to give that as an example as the way you phrase things is important because absolutely is you're not doing anything to make me feel guilty nope none of your ACS are
09:00 - 09:30 doing that and anything you said is doing that that's an internalized feeling that I have to work through on my own so changing that I feel like made our conversation go smoother than it would have if I unintentionally placed the blame on you with the way I said it right and I agree because you took accountability with what was going on people don't people want to be like you make me so angry no no they really don't you make you angry you allow your brain to process the information that's being given to take it in a negative perspective right I cannot how many times that I've had really shitty
09:30 - 10:00 situations become very positive because I look at it as an opportunity to grow versus a negative that that's really what it comes down to and like you know the amount of stress that I'm under right now with the expansion and trying to do with one of the business is because of the hurricane MH I could really be falling apart and just being like it's the end of the world I've lost those two businesses instead of trying to grow the one business that we have left standing and worry about those when the insurance comes through when the building's rebuilt or whatever I'm looking at this is an opportunity for growth because I have an
10:00 - 10:30 opportunity right now where I have almost a year before this building is going to be back up and running that I can hire more people train them get them to do things the way that I expect them to get done and then I can move people around and we can continue to open businesses and grow right if I looked at this as a a negative aspect and whato was me the entire time I wouldn't have that mindset um so it's important that you you recognize these things your um the world how's what did the statement go um the world can't change your attitude but you can change your
10:30 - 11:00 attitude about the world right yeah um okay so try to engage your partner with questions instead of making statements this is what I was talking about a minute ago statements trigger a feeling of judgment where questions engage curiosity things like do you have a minute versus we need to talk the Dave Chappelle Killing Him Softly skit where he's like Dave we need to talk and he's like [ __ ] and he's like every time we got to talk it's something I got to do and that is a very it's funny it was hysterical when I heard it and every man that watches that for the first time laughs because they know that's exactly
11:00 - 11:30 what's about to go down if you just say do you have a minute cuz you hit me with that the other day you were like hey I know you're about to do that but do you before you get on there do you have a minute to talk to me I'm like yeah what do you what's up like it was a very different thing than had you been like we need to talk cuz I'm like oh here we go right you know so that's super important to remember um we need uh and by we I mean everyone needs to start listening to understand and not to respond allow your partner to complete their thought process before speaking work on giving a pause to think before
11:30 - 12:00 you speak empathize and validate with what they're saying instead of just responding and this will help you uh help make them feel heard MH and if you aren't sure what they're saying repeat what you heard back to them and make sure you digest it before you give a response this is one of the things that I'm working on the hardest right now especially when we get into a a conversation that I feel like I'm being attacked I have to let you finish cuz nine times out of 10 we are arguing the exact same point to each other from a different standpoint because I didn't let you you finish your point and that's
12:00 - 12:30 something that I'm desperately working on you know and there's it's getting to the point now where you're saying something and if you pause I'm like okay are you done because I don't want to interrupt your thought process and then us regress right um listening to understand is a big deal too because everybody gets caught up in having a conversation they're just waiting for their turn to speak they want their five minutes of fame you know what I mean so it's important to just allow that to process and and play out this thing keeps clicking I don't know if it's because I'm touching the road mic or if it's the paper or what but it's starting to drive me nuts just got a little louder did you just plug that back in I
12:30 - 13:00 don't know maybe did I get louder could be that I turned my uh I don't know I'm mentally not there today apparently um before you move on I want to touch on the processing aspect and like understanding I process depending on the situation and what is being said like if I have a lot of information thrown at me it takes a while for me to process that [ __ ] so if you guys are getting into like a super intense conversation it's okay to say like I need to process this before we continue
13:00 - 13:30 the conversation right it's taken me I don't know there was a day that it took me like 12 hours to process everything we discussed right and then the next day I had to come to you and be like okay so we had the conversation I processed it a little bit can we continue right you know I think that's important to recognize as well like not everything has to be done in one single conversation in a two-hour time period I agree I feel like stretching it out is also going to help people recognize like regulating emotions and saying okay well he said this and that upset me why did it upset me and that's something you can
13:30 - 14:00 also discuss with your partner and be like hey you said this yesterday it triggered me I didn't know why it triggered me but I think I figured it out I kind of want to talk to you about that right I think that it's important to remember that when you have these conversations too like uh and I don't think I mentioned this in the beginning of the check-in you are not allowed to get defensive I did not you're not allowed to get defensive in response to what your partner tells you right you are we call this the report card because you are asking for a report card this a situational report you want to know mhm
14:00 - 14:30 like all these things and if you get defensive because you're asking for somebody to give you feedback one you're never going to get positive feedback again you're going to make your partner feel like they can't talk to you safely they're going to feel unsafe in discussing things with you um there's going to be a whole lot of other things that play in but when you can turn that off and know that you are asking for this and know that your grade is indicative of your work efforts you can't be mad at anybody but yourself so so if if you know we have a great week
14:30 - 15:00 and the next week there's something that's happened and I've done something wrong and you deliver it to me and obviously not in a negative way I now have a week or two weeks however long we have in between checkins to start rectifying the situation but he gives me a day or two to process I really you know I hurt her by doing whatever I did or I really dropped the ball by not making sure that her tire was changed whatever you know um but it's not a defense thing you're asking for this so that you can be a better partner mhm um and I I'm going to
15:00 - 15:30 my mom my adopted mom gave me a great piece of information and it was let me see did I type it up because it was a good it was a good one um she said that people love to match energies so when someone is giving us the silent treatment and we give it back to him that attitude is thrown back and forth we mirror that is normal human interaction she said but if you were able to do that with negativity you should be able to do it with love right and when you realize that and you are trying to give your partner the best
15:30 - 16:00 version of you they should naturally want to do the same thing should obviously there are shitty people out there there are selfish people out there there's narcissists as much as I hate that [ __ ] term there are people out there who are going to do whatever they feel is best for them but when you and I are having a great relationship and you're taking that extra step I'm like oh [ __ ] I got to one up you we're going to we're going to do this now you know and like it's not a oneup thing but I want to be better because you're trying to be better you know it's uh we feed off of each other
16:00 - 16:30 and if people do that in negative moments you should absolutely be doing it in positive ones I agree I'm going to correct you you said when we have a great relationship we have a great relationship you know what I mean there's days that like like yesterday uh that stupid cartoon was on and and you got up and I'm like oh I like I'm big I like I'm and you started doing that in the living room and because you started doing that I kept going yeah so those are those are like that's an intimate moment for us like
16:30 - 17:00 that's something I'm never going to forget yeah a stupid little moment in time but it it meant a lot it was fun for me right um anyways being able to reciprocate things to your partner should be something that you want to do and I again I know that there's shitty people out there can I can I ask also just for a minute talk about how miserable people are in life oh my gosh and how they don't care enough about anything to change it like I I make conver uh uh videos about communication constantly on my Tik Tok M and instead of just scrolling past I had
17:00 - 17:30 somebody literally stop and go communication doesn't work with my old man do you remember that conversation we had that night I was like so what what do I mean does he beat you like how how do you guys resolve problem do you arm wrestle is it thumb like thumb wrestles what are you doing my mind Rock robots I don't understand how your communication doesn't work right so we both our first thought after hearing that was domestic violence and then the second thought was it's not that it doesn't work you guys just don't know how to communicate right unbelievable so I see a lot of that and
17:30 - 18:00 then I see a lot of I understand that I make controversial videos sometimes and I do that for a reason I want people to be engaged I want them to have a dialogue in the comment section the more people disagree and the more you can have that conversation I know you're never going to change somebody's mind on the internet they're coming in with their belief system and that's all there is to it however the people who are not engaged in that conversation that are reading the comments that have no dog in
18:00 - 18:30 that race their minds can be changed that's a really good point oh [ __ ] that's an even better point I didn't think about that those are the changes that are happening it's subconsciously and it's happening from people who are not being petty whiny [ __ ] on the internet people who want to grow as human beings right and those are also the people who are silent 99% of the time because they don't want to get caught up in nonsense they don't want their notifications going off and the last thing they want is to be on in an argument with somebody who lives in their mom's basement and has nothing better to do with their time other than troll you know right um but it blows my
18:30 - 19:00 mind the amount of people who live those lives and like we have people constantly say things like you know my husband doesn't do any of this and it's been like that for 15 years why are you still with them well why are you waiting 15 years to say it's a problem right you know and I I look at all these things and I always start to make a video or I always start to type and I want to have these conversations with these people and I'm getting to the point now where I don't even remotely care like if you're not willing to take accountability and take change of your life and like take stock and be like my life could be so
19:00 - 19:30 much better if we just did XYZ and start working to make that better I don't want to hear you complain because all you're doing is bitching right and that's the way I look at it if you're complaining and you have a plan you're working through it by complaining you're trying to figure out all of your ins and outs to make your plan work if you are not trying to implement change and you're complaining you're just bitching nobody wants to hear that be better like right I also get comments and this really infuriates me from women who are in their 40s and 50s and they're like oh wait until until you've been married for 10 years wait until you've been married
19:30 - 20:00 for 15 years wait until you've been together for 20 years things always change people change intimacy dies I don't disagree with the fact that people change people are growing constantly supposed to change you're not going to be the same person in 20 years than you are today right but I'm going to grow and love I'm going to grow with you I'm going to love you unless you become like a complete [ __ ] well I mean I'm already almost a complete [ __ ] I'm pretty close I feel like that's my final form yeah yeah
20:00 - 20:30 when people say intimacy dies and things change and they don't love you the same after that amount of time it's because you guys become complacent and the fact that you can't acknowledge the fact that things died because you let go of things oh that's not how I wanted to say that you want want to rewind it my next sentence and it make sense so I'm glad that it's not just my brain today it it's it's been a really rough holiday it has like oh God that's why I
20:30 - 21:00 haven't made Tik toks I can't deal with people's [ __ ] on top of my own [ __ ] so when people say after X amount of time things die they don't want to accept the accountability that they let the things die right because then they're part of the problem and they're not just the victim yeah because nobody wants to take accountability I nailed that you did that was [ __ ] on point I I want to add to that and say that you allowing things to change with your part partner and losing that intimacy and becoming
21:00 - 21:30 the roommate phase is an active decision and it's not just a one-time decision you wake up and make that decision every single day yeah and I understand that you get to a point you're going to get to a point with your partner if you let it go like that that you don't like each other anymore and you see it in the comments constantly at that point you've let it go and made the decision to let it go over and over and over again it's going to be so much harder to fix it than it would be if you recognize like Hey we're not dancing in the kitchen anymore like
21:30 - 22:00 he doesn't hold my hand when we drive or or we're not having sex as much as we should something's not right and then having a quick check-in figuring out what the problem is and then just talking about it I'm now getting in my comments women who are complaining about their hormones being off and I'm going to say and this will probably be one of many times that I mentioned sub Summit Rejuvenation centers um I have a friend of mine that owns a um hormone therapy replacement hormone replacement therapy business and um they're very good at
22:00 - 22:30 what they do you guys can check them out summit Rejuvenation centers.com if you are over 40 years old male or female you should be getting your blood worked on on a regular basis regardless you're going to be going through the change we're going to be our testosterone is going to be dropping that's a very real thing for a lot of people when your hormones are off you get depressed you sleep or you don't sleep you become irritable and and that's one of the emails that we're going to get into so I'm not going to go too far into that right now but knowing where your blood levels lie can absolutely change things for you anybody
22:30 - 23:00 that's in their 40s remembers what it was like to be 20 when I got on on hormone replacement therapy because my testosterone was low I became a 20-year-old again I mean we have we have like marks in the wall from the headboard like that you know what I mean it wasn't like that before the the replacement therapy so um I mean obviously it was still a thing but it wasn't to the level that it is now because my my hormones are right I'm going to be completely honest I hear anything you just said to me because that look you
23:00 - 23:30 me Lord I'm going to need like a [ __ ] okay a fan or something yeah your hormones are off all right so let's get back to this um when you are listening to understand and you guys are having these talks make sure that you empathize and validate your partner that was where we ended off on that last point I just want to add to that acknowledging your partner's issues and validating that they're real and apologizing or empathizing with it is going to change
23:30 - 24:00 the way that your partner feels there being heard or understood if I use a phrase regularly that triggers you and you throw it back at me in one of these these conversations during a check-in and I pause for a minute and think okay this is how she's feeling about it she just explained why she feels that way if she did that to me and I felt that way that would suck I wouldn't want to feel that way so so that's how I would how I would empathize
24:00 - 24:30 with you I didn't realize that that was making you feel that way if if that happened to me I would feel like [ __ ] I I see that now right I've empathized and I've validated you you feel the way you feel and it's justifiable now we can have a talk about how to make that go and be better because you've not only been heard you now know that I understand and I'm I'm you know sincere with my apology because it's really easy to just be like my bad it won't happen again right that's [ __ ] nobody nobody believes that when you do that
24:30 - 25:00 it's like when somebody's like you know you tell your kid you need to apologize and they're like sorry and you're like why are you apologizing like I don't know that's exactly what that is so um okay are you moving on to another point I will after you make whatever Point you're about to make okay so as you just said you were able to if you're able to validate that like it's a legit emotion you understand why I'm feeling that way and it's a validated reasoning for why I feel that way I think it can also be said sometimes people are completely
25:00 - 25:30 invalid in their emotions I agree and they are just seeing red and they don't care about anything outside they're just focusing on that one thing having the check-ins is an opportunity for someone to be like okay I understand how you're feeling I I can see why you feel this way I need you to understand it's a little bit irrational right because some people try to get away with some [ __ ] feelings I would probably word it better than saying irrational and every guy on the planet will agree with what I'm about about to say that's like telling a woman to calm down I disagree
25:30 - 26:00 well I disagree for me I I understand that it triggers some people sometimes I need you to tell me to calm down right well you also have accountability like I do yeah so if I'm like hey that's kind of [ __ ] You' be like all right wait a minute it be like damn you're right yeah yeah you kind know you've actually done that to me all right I I think it's important to not validate [ __ ] I also think that in all of this this is a good a good point as well to make sure that when you use these check-ins you can use these check-ins to talk about
26:00 - 26:30 things that you were mad about earlier in the week and you can have those conversations while you're calm because if something happens and you get mad and you blow up on the spot you're reacting out of anger and emotion versus letting it calm down processing your [ __ ] and then bringing it up two or three days later and a check-in right that will go a long way because situations are never resolved during conflict they will be solidified they can be dis just but the resolution happens after everybody's
26:30 - 27:00 calm people process things and start making or taking steps to change things right excuse me oh man I hope that didn't get picked up I apologize guys that was spicy chicken Jesus chicken from Chick-fil-A do you have anything on that point before I move on I did and now I don't remember it was the burp wasn't it no maybe all right the most important thing in conversation is hearing what isn't being said you need to pay attention to tone inflection and body body language you can tell
27:00 - 27:30 somebody that they're a total piece of [ __ ] human being and if you say it in a way that doesn't trigger them they'll be like damn I'm piece of [ __ ] but they're not going to get mad about it right so you need to make sure that you are on point with your tone and your inflection and for those who don't know tone is is the obviously the tone of your voice and flexion is the way that you word things it's no different than like if you say I love you have a good day on a text message I'm like love you too my inflection in that text message is different than it would be if I said I love you too right we've talked about
27:30 - 28:00 that right you do that a lot I know I do but I'm working on not doing that it's laziness on my part it's all it is M it's no different than me sending a k text message I know that that triggers a lot of people I could care less if you say Okay a y or you just say k i got okay out of it I don't need a a 900 [ __ ] paragraph text message to understand a point I'm a give me the details and and go you know right so um I want to touch on that before you move on you you said it's a laziness thing
28:00 - 28:30 laziness thing on your end when you don't type the I it's just love you that is one of those moments where like I got upset because you didn't say the I and I was like damn this man don't love me no more like what did I do that is me overreacting that is a irrational overreaction and once you told me that it's a laziness thing on your end I was like okay I get it like I'm not going to harp on that anymore it's not a negative thing you're doing to me to punish me why are you because all I can think of
28:30 - 29:00 is the day that that happen sorry the day that all of this happened and you were like damn and we had that conversation via text message yeah I was like if I'm ever mad at you and you say I love you I'll just be like yep now you can get mad and in my head I I was like you know but like it it's so so foolish to me I don't know I was just thinking about that could you imagine that I love you yep that would be that would definitely be a moment that would be a really hard quit laugh
29:00 - 29:30 I'm working on my final form over here but that's one of those moments to where it's good to have a conversation about it instead of harvesting harvesting harboring harboring you're not going to cut that are you no hell no I'm not people like this back and forth with us the harboring of a negative feeling that you haven't even ver voiced your partner I'm am struggling heart harboring a negative feeling you haven't voiced to your
29:30 - 30:00 partner okay on something that is a negative trigger for you from past relationships right that is a very big deal to not do that is how you start building animosity towards your person without like it's it's it's unjustified does that make sense am I all over the place right now no do you know what the definition of animosity is I was going to say wow by definition it's open admitted
30:00 - 30:30 hatred yeah that's one of my favorite words yeah I was going to say I can hear you breathe resentful I heard that I'm I'm struggling so hard with words say I got like an hour and a half asleep last night that's so funny but resentful is not the correct terminology for that because resentful comes from Envy right although most people will par that with anger and it's it's not it's an Envy emotion I um I I like the word animosity so much because I am I am a by Nature I don't like
30:30 - 31:00 people I'm not an introvert I can be extroverted as hell when you get me a group of people that are like-minded that I I'm comfortable with and like now when we talk I talk a lot on the podcast I don't talk like this in public it's because it's me right so I like certain people but as a whole I don't like Humanity I think people are parasites so animosity is actually tattooed on my neck because it's open admitted hatred because I [ __ ] hate everyone so I like that that was since I was like 17
31:00 - 31:30 years old that's been on the side of my neck anyways wow um so the last thing on that is body language I cannot stress enough how important it is to just watch some YouTube videos on body language when people are sitting with their arms crossed they're defensive they're closed off they're not open to what you're saying if their toes are pointing to the door they're trying to leave there is a lot of things that you can learn that are just basic subconscious things that people do and you can it will change the entire conversation if somebody is super relaxed and says says some really shitty things they're not mad mhm they're just
31:30 - 32:00 not knowing how to word things but if they're tense and you can tell by their body language that they're frustrated and they say some [ __ ] [ __ ] like it is said out of anger and knowing that can change the way your your your conversation's going and I've hit this a lot but 70 they're saying up to 80% 70 to 80% of communication is non-verbal it's you're surrounding your tone inflection body language things like that so those are super important anything else on this point before we move on no I would have to look over the paper
32:00 - 32:30 to think of something but Okie doie I'm not trying to um so this next Point says to use and instead of but um it doesn't matter what you say before a but the moment you drop but everything prior to that as negated and people only focus on the negative that follows so these some of these points have come from a lot of the books that I've read you know these are things that have stuck in my mind that I'm compiling to give you guys advice some of this is original thought a lot of it's not this specific scenario the book that I was
32:30 - 33:00 reading and I can't remember who which book it was because I've read a lot on communication the guy said that um if you get a haircut or somebody gets a haircut and they come to you and they're like hey do you like my hair and they're like I mean I liked it before but they're like damn okay they hate my haircut but if you're like I like it and I liked it before they're like okay you know that's a very different um scenario so try not to use butt in a conversation because you are going to set up a negative um tone for
33:00 - 33:30 the following sentences that was a short one you got anything on that one all right uh start paying attention to your partner's request for connection this can come from something as simple as going hey check out that car over there or did you see that bird you know um the whole point of that is to get you to look and then engage with whatever it is that I we're trying to get you to engage in us with that is a exchange of energy it is an exchange of emotion it shows that you
33:30 - 34:00 have an interest and whatever it is that I'm interested in in the moment and you are giving your undivided attention to whatever is happening you're not on your phone you guys are fully engaged in that moment that happens in the beginning phases of dating constantly right because you want to be engaged and and involved in whatever your your interest is involved in um we still do that I was just thinking about the baby hippo right we had a
34:00 - 34:30 whole conversation about how fast hippos can run and how it' be utterly destroyed by one it was a stupid conversation but fun right and you were like oh look at I I want to be a baby hippo in the next life or something like that and then we got I don't want to cuddle one cuddle one we got into that whole conversation but had I been doing this yeah babe cool hippos sure eventually you would stop showing me those things oh yeah I wouldn't have even continued the conversation it would been in it been you know and that it was like a 20 25 30 minute whole thing where we're laughing and enjoying our time
34:30 - 35:00 together it was because I was engaged you you made a request for connection I engaged with you and we had a dope moment those moments are what adds up over a lifetime of intimacy and connection with people and as you grow and instead of growing apart you're growing together because you're taking interest in each other's things um I wrote on here ignoring them or not giving them enough attention can slowly become the down fall of a relationship and you will find yourself falling into
35:00 - 35:30 the roommate phase yep I've had three comments now asking to talk about the roommate phase on Tik Tok like about what it is how it happens how to get out of it because it's something that everyone finds themselves in I'm I'm seeing videos now that because I'm going down different rabbit holes of learning right I'm seeing videos now that there's like four phases of marriage and the first one's the honeymoon phase the third one's roommate phase and like they go through all of this [ __ ] and I understand that because I've I've had a longm relationship like long long I
35:30 - 36:00 understand that those things are going to happen and I looking back on it you have hindsights 2020 you can see everything this is where things did this this this situation changed the entire course of everything and it comes down to not being able to communicate or having the necessary communication skills to resolve whatever that problem is before it evolves into a bigger thing and you and I have had a lot of conversations over the last few days and I I keep telling you like the things that are bothering me right now normally wouldn't phase me but because I have so
36:00 - 36:30 much [ __ ] going on and my head is a [ __ ] mess things that I would never bat an eye at are huge to me right now same thing so when you have um The Roommate phase that's not something that I mean it's going to happen right but you can make decisions to go okay this is this is not okay with me and if I don't check this scenario we're going to be so much worse off than we were but I think it takes people getting into that looking back taking accountability and
36:30 - 37:00 then realizing that you don't have to be in that roommate phase anymore right you have to make the active decision to start working to be intimate again and to take interest and to put your partner first you literally have to start dating right and it's not hard it's you already have however many years that you have with your partner you guys live together they are your best friend if there's really a problem that's who you're going to why wouldn't you want to take them out on a date men this is a super easy thing tell your woman that you have a
37:00 - 37:30 surprise tell them you're going to take him out and they're like oh yeah where you going be like you well if you know where would you go where would you like to go you know this guess they're going to start throwing [ __ ] at you and whatever the first one is that's where you guys are going that night because that's truly where they want to go that's what they want to eat that's the movie they want to see whatever the case may be they've they've laid that out you don't have to play the game of back and forth what do you want to do I don't know what do you want to do women want you to be in in charge most women want men to lead obviously obviously that's
37:30 - 38:00 not the [ __ ] case for everyone I've heard it all right but if you're married and you your wife wants you to lead your home and you surprise her with a date you're going to get brownie points that you otherwise wouldn't have gotten and it doesn't take a lot all you got to do is send that text message hey I got a surprise for you tonight oh yeah what is it guess that's it and she's not just going to guess one thing she's going to Rattle off a whole bunch of [ __ ] yep and you can start making notes this is date number two date number three date number four and she did all the work and you're you're going to get all the credit y big
38:00 - 38:30 brain [ __ ] it's so easy for women to make sure that roommate face thing doesn't happen it it really is men are such simple creatures literally just put on a T-shirt and heels and wait for him to walk into theath the under butt cleavage oh my God I thought this man was going to faint I pulled my phone out and took a picture of your butt you did it's not hard it it's little moments like that there's times where I go out of my way like I'll start doing a task and be like okay but how can I make it
38:30 - 39:00 sexy and I do it because I know you're going to get a kick out of it yeah it'll either be a funny moment for us or it's going to be like damn that's mine something is going to happen that's going to bring us closer together when I clean the house and I walk around in my [ __ ] sheer oh I just said the FW sorry okay when I when I do that sheer thing I it's comfortable to wear that you know but I like giving you something to look at can I add to this by saying that I made that video about reclaiming
39:00 - 39:30 intimacy mhm and I obviously have to say not all sex intimacy is not just sexual you you have emotional physical spiritual all of the different intimacies but when I say that I mean it all encompassing so when I made that video about intimacy and reclaiming that um I was like it's not hard for women to like do their hair and put makeup on for their man to look attractive if you're going on a date the amount of people that are like well why do they go put a makeup they don't they don't have to put on makeup most men like natural beauty
39:30 - 40:00 you know how many times I've heard women say well we don't put makeup on for us for you we do it for us well if that's the case why are you in my comments with this [ __ ] right now if you like makeup or your man likes you in makeup it takes you an extra 50 minutes to an hour whatever some women take three hours doing their makeup that's [ __ ] insane yeah I I'm not taking three hours to do anything I sat on the couch for 20 minutes into my makeup for this right but it doesn't take much to take that extra step I have nice clothes in there don't wear them ever but if we were
40:00 - 40:30 going like we're going to see a musical in March mhm and you better believe I'm a dress up I'm going to look like like you know I'll put on $20,000 watch do the t-shirts you know the the jeans tuck the shirt in where the nice Hugo Boss shoes I have like I'm going to do the thing because we're going out right and do I want to do that absolutely not I would love to go out wearing some gym shorts and a tank top my flip-flops because that's comfortable to me mhm but I know that you get to look at hit me like that in a way that you don't get to see me very often I also know I'm going
40:30 - 41:00 to get some play when I get home because we we're going to go out and we're going to be doing a date and it's going to be like courting all over again it's going to be exciting and sexy and fun why would you fight that what really blows my mind as woman saying why do I need to put my makeup on for him why did you do it in the dating phase right why did you do your makeup and put your hair up and make sure you looked your best in the dating phase and then think it's okay to let that just not be a thing anymore that that totally falls into well I landed him I don't
41:00 - 41:30 have to do anything else women complain about that [ __ ] all the time he landed me now he doesn't do anything for me okay but what do you do for him now makes me angry yeah I um we had another person okay I'm I'll come back to that cuz Okay that that will take this conversation in a whole different different perspective but remind me about the Single mother's thing okay um last point on this and then I have some a couple of questions how often often do you recognize and validate positive things in your partner the small trivial
41:30 - 42:00 things that people Overlook and take for granted because that is what your life has become accustomed to simple positive affirmations can make them feel validated appreciated and seen oh my God it is not hard to thank your partner for all the things that they do I make it a point no matter what it is if you do something I'd be like hey babe thank you for that mhm you're like no big deal it's not it's not a big deal you were doing it anyways but the fact that I'm acknowledging that you did it and that you didn't have to do it changes the entire process for you right it does it
42:00 - 42:30 for me like if I if I if I have to run to the bank and I just happen to take your truck and refill it with gas and I come back and you're like oh you filled my truck up with gas thanks yeah no problem mhm you're recognizing that I took that extra step to do something that I didn't have to do that I did because I want you to make you happy those moments of positive affirmation validation and seeing that your partner truly loves you and recognizing that changes the entire Dynamic of your relationship it does because at that point nothing is expected it's all
42:30 - 43:00 appreciated I believe I believe that when you have expectations it should be that each each partner is going to hold up their fair share of Labor that's where an expectation comes in but even with that expectation gratitude still needs to happen because we are not endangered servants right we serve each other because we want to not because we have to so um that's all that I have for the check-in I have I have a couple of quick
43:00 - 43:30 questions do you have something I do okay so as you were saying about like being grateful for things that they go out of the way to do I think it's also important to just like acknowledge the daily [ __ ] that they do it's your job to take the trash can sound and bring it back up every once in a while I'll be like damn you make that look good yeah you do because you watch on the cameras when I do it I'll watch you walk out the front door I I'll follow the screens I'll be like okay front door o now he's walking in the driveway and then you you disappear for a minute and you come down with the trash cans I'm like oh he makes it look so
43:30 - 44:00 good like it it's super important to still be like flirty and cute and you're doing your thing that you do every week right but me doing that cute little flirty moment with you it's like okay I'm going keep doing the trash then yeah right that actually does do that and I I say it all the time that men are simple creatures you validate us you tell us we're proud hey you're a good dad those kind of things go really [ __ ] far for most men especially men who are in there like 35 to 55 range because we didn't get
44:00 - 44:30 that [ __ ] growing up if you if you were with a generation X-Man and you tell him that you're proud of him there's a strong possibility that [ __ ] is going to cry he may not do it in front of you he may had to go poop yeah and he's going to cry in the process like that goes a long long way with with my generation that's not something we heard a lot of um that simple recognition in terms of oh you look real good taking out the garbage most men don't get compliments like that and even though I know you say things like that to me on a regular basis I still really enjoy
44:30 - 45:00 hearing it even when it's a joking thing like the garbage cans oh I 100% mean it though I know you do but you say it in a joking manner when I come in every time and I I'm almost expecting that it's going to happen every single time so when it doesn't I'm like damn she didn't look at the cameras but it's you know what I mean like we know that that's going to be a thing and even though it's repetitious it and it could be become habitual at one point oh that's another thing the habitual I love yous a problem it is a [ __ ] problem when we my big thing before you and I Was
45:00 - 45:30 Always Love You by I don't I don't want to I love you have a great day it was just love you by and I'd hang the phone up I realized previously that that is a habitual thing leaving before you you know leaving the house love you see you later walking out the door that habitual phrase means nothing because it's a habit for you to say it before you leave if you stop and make eye contact and be like hey babe I love you and a hug or a kiss or just a intimate look before you walk out the
45:30 - 46:00 door that means something right the habitual phrase is [ __ ] mhm don't do that I would rather not hear it than have it not mean something right so go ahead so it's going to be the last thing I say then we can go no you're good so we were in a public setting you were leaving and you left and you're like all right I'll see you at home I was like all right babe and this person was like he didn't say he loved you and I was completely taken aback I was like what
46:00 - 46:30 do you mean like what right and she was like he you guys don't say that every time you leave and I'm like no there's times where you and I just look at each other I'm like o yeah okay when I get back he's going to be all over me I get it yeah there's times where we leave and we'll be like I'll say you're handsome or whatever and be like yeah I know and that's it I leave the fact that someone was so taken aback by the fact that we don't say it like repetitiously to each other really
46:30 - 47:00 made me realize that it does become a habitual thing right and we don't say it to each other every day we might go like a day or two without saying it right but when you say it my heart's going to be like oh my God right because I'm not saying it by hanging up a phone we're walking out the door like we'll be sitting on the couch and I look at you and you be like what and I be like I love you and you be like oh [ __ ] what made you say that and be like I just wanted you to know it like those are those moments that actually mean something you're not just saying [ __ ] because it's expected of you I know who it was that said that to you and it doesn't shock me at all that's that that
47:00 - 47:30 is a thing because she's the type of person that just follows the rules of what is expected of her yeah and that's a younger generation too which is a whole I'm not getting any that I'm done with that conversation because I don't want to [ __ ] talk people um okay anything else before I start asking these questions no okay these are questions that I'm asking more directly towards the people who are listening and less about the check in okay are you completely honest
47:30 - 48:00 with your partner that is a very real question because there are a lot of people who will sugarcoat things they will they will skirt around subjects because they don't want to hurt their partner's feelings or they're scared of a reaction or yeah or they're afraid they're not safe and secure so they want to Omit and when you omit things you're lying Omission is a form of lying it is okay so for those of you who are listening I I want you to ask yourself that are you honest with your partner
48:00 - 48:30 completely truly honest with your partner is there something that you have wanted to ask or tell your partner for a while and you have not done so do you keep your feelings about anything from your partner I.E do you go along to avoid conflict even if something bothers you and can you be vulnerable with them without fear of them using it against you and then lastly when was the last time that you truly felt safe with your partner these questions that I'm asking to those of you who are listening before a
48:30 - 49:00 check-in are things that you need to evaluate and really process because these questions are going to tell you a lot about your involvement your safety your intentions in your marriage mhm if I felt like I needed to talk to you about something and I couldn't or I was afraid of how you would react or I was afraid I was going to let you down because maybe I did something wrong that fear of judgment or betrayal or whatever that is would absolutely kill the communication
49:00 - 49:30 with us because I know that I can no longer confide in you 100% I would be devastated a lot of people do that though and they don't realize that they're doing it there's people who are unhappy in their marriage that can't tell their partner why they're unhappy because they're afraid they're going to break their heart or they're going to hurt them or whatever the case may be MH they're afraid of their reaction these kind of things are going to dictate your success in the check-ins if you feel like any of these are off your check-ins are not going to be sincere
49:30 - 50:00 mhm um I asked about the vulnerability because most men are told their entire life it's not okay to cry man up pick yourself up by the bootstraps put some [ __ ] dirt on it let's go men will cry in their car they'll have meltdowns some of will be bakera acted but we will not be completely vulnerable to our partners because we are afraid of the fear of retaliation in the event that things don't work out or you have a bad day or you want to go to
50:00 - 50:30 your girls and gossip or whatever the case may be we are going to look different in the eyes of other people by being vulnerable because it's not just you and it's not just this moment if you are a man and you do not trust your woman enough to be 100% honest and open with them what does that say about the person you pick to spend the rest of your life with do you not trust them enough to keep your secrets even when things go bad do you not trust them enough to be vulnerable and cry in front of them when you need to let go um that is a very real concern and
50:30 - 51:00 something that you need to look inward on and you need to think about why it is that you have that with your partner it is not uncommon for men to not want to hurt their partner by saying foul [ __ ] or being unnecessarily angry or whatever the case may be you know we want to make sure that our women are safe and protected and feel that way but if you are omitting things you are lying you would um Om committing your emotions and your vulnerabilities and the fact that you have crippling anxiety
51:00 - 51:30 or super stressed out situation about whatever's going on and you try to bury uh carry that load on your own you are also removing your partner's ability to help you all of the things that I deal with every single day all of the stresses with the businesses and the finances the employees um past trauma our arguments when we have them which aren't really arguments they're just discussions but things that may Trigger or bother me with you if I
51:30 - 52:00 can't unload some of that I'm going to overfill and combust I know that you are my wife we are loyal and Servants of each other you are capable of carrying some of that load until my shoulders no longer hurt and I can pick that back up and keep walking it's no different than that Ruck that I that Ruck video I made um and I'm I'm not going to continue with that you guys get what I'm trying to say here it's important important that you you figure this [ __ ] out these these
52:00 - 52:30 five questions are are absolutely crucial to having proper checks check-ins and maybe those questions are something that you should ask your partner read them to them make them listen to this podcast and have them evaluate themselves in that as well that's all I got on these do women really take their man's vulnerability and use that as gossip 100% 100% wow look there's um I I've told you we talked about it I know women who have been in Dom sub relationships that took pictures of their their marks and then
52:30 - 53:00 when the relationship ended had the man arrested for domestic violence that happens how absolutely disgusting right and and what's he going to say she asked for it there's there's dude people are [ __ ] scumbags and and I don't care if it's male or female people do vindictive [ __ ] when they're hurt and men like women have been hurt so much that we tend to never treat love the same way and never treat the next woman the way we treated the one before
53:00 - 53:30 it's um it is common place to harden yourself a little bit more every single time you're hurt every time somebody slights you you may you become a little bit harder of a man that softness and the um want to do for others after you've been burned so many times just Fades and eventually you get angry bitter selfish men it's it's no different than what you see on the internet I'll never get married again there's no point in it I see that all the time in my comments right I do too so that's it that's very much a
53:30 - 54:00 thing do you have anything that you want to go on with the check-ins cuz that was almost an hour on the check-in no all right so let's get into some questions this is a really long email um okay this is a long email there's okay she made some of the type big um we desperately need help before you start I know this is really long and I don't expect you to answer on the podcast I am just in desperate need of help and when we are healthy our
54:00 - 54:30 relationship is very similar to yours so that's why I'm reaching out if you do read this thank you so much love you guys hey guys I have been a long time follower of you both Chris a little longer um I think my boyfriend and I think a lot like you um he's also 50 I'm 32 I'm not 50 but I don't so he's 50 she's 32 um we have been through a lot and I mean a lot when we get to where we are to day uh but things aren't going so well lately he tells me I have changed
54:30 - 55:00 but I feel he has to he wants me to work on myself which we both agree everyone needs to do we are both in counseling uh working on our mental health I suffer from bipolar type 2 anxiety and PTSD but I also have severe hormone problems with PCOS and end endometriosis um I am having endosurgery on January 12th I will admit that since taking this new hormone medication my moods are all over the place it's supposed to put me in a state of menopause so I don't ovulate sorry TMI but I wanted to show uh show how strong
55:00 - 55:30 it is I am normally a very calm and quiet person it takes a lot to to make me yell or get me so angry that I'm seeing red I'm also very selfless everyone I know says this about me since starting the medication my boyfriend calls me selfish all of the time and he never used to do this it normally comes out when I tell in my feelings I also get so angry I catch myself yelling and I cry constantly I have cried so so much and caused so much damage I literally have bronchitis right now I didn't even
55:30 - 56:00 know that that was possible he says I have changed and I will admit that since October um but that's when my pain got really bad again and we scheduled surgery The Chronic pain does play into my depression he says I am taking him down with me as my mood goes down he is also having to co-parent with his ex-wife over the over their six-year-old granddaughter they raise um she hates me and I'm not allowed to be around their granddaughter and because she has full custody and his name is nowhere for right now we have to follow her absurd jealous rules okay I'm going to stop
56:00 - 56:30 right there because it's a whole lot in the first part of this paragraph I mentioned the hormones earlier um this is not something that I would tell you to go to Summit for because that's this is obviously um chemically induced hormonal change when your hormones are not right you are not right I don't give a [ __ ] who you are if your testosterone is low male or female it's a problem if your estrogen's too high or too low it's a problem problem male or female um the depression the sleeping the lack of
56:30 - 57:00 sleeping the lack of ability to maintain an erection there are a lot of things that come for hormones even estrogen affecting men that way and it's even worse with women that's why when when women get hysterectomies they get hormone patches when they put those hormone patches on the first day of a three-day patch is out of control because their hormones are through the roof as it's being pumped in and it takes a little bit of time for the body to regulate do not under any circumstances make any life-changing decisions in your marriage or in your relationship until after your surgery yeah this is not a
57:00 - 57:30 time for you to be doing anything that is like truly serious as for your old man or your boyfriend or husband or whatever you called him um if he is riding the roller coaster of your hor hormones with you it's because he loves you and he's trying to be supportive but you can't allow him to do that if you're getting emotional you're getting depressed and you're starting to to cry and scream you know that this is hormonal stop what
57:30 - 58:00 you're doing remind him that that is hormonal and just take a breather until your hormones are back to normal or until you get on a regimen that works to put your blood where it needs to be this is going to be a problem and it's going to be a problem for him too because you have this life together and he's become very accustomed to who you are and because your hormones are not right you are not who you are you have changed your hormones are messed up like that change is Dr IC and I can't stress that enough do you have anything that you
58:00 - 58:30 want to get into before I move on no okay um well I feel he is overly nice to her for example and said you were my best friend most of for most of my life it's nice to have felt it wasn't all gone and his response was it's not I promise he said all he meant by that was that they can be friends for their granddaughter and I tried to explain to him that that's not how she took it I'mma pause there how does she know how she she took it I right I there's no way of knowing look um he's 50 you're 32 you're adults
58:30 - 59:00 to think that he cannot be friends with somebody that he once dated and it just be platonic is foolish to me I I have that's they have a grandchild together no the yes yeah yeah right so they they had a family right this isn't just an ex-girlfriend this is somebody he built a life with it's okay that they're friends right if you have if you spend 10 years or 20 years with somebody it doesn't matter how bad it ends you will
59:00 - 59:30 always have a soft spot in your heart for that person because you spent that much time with them you shared your life with this person for a short amount of time or a long amount of time to think that you have to hate them or not like them is is asinine to me I think it's childish I I am friends with almost every one of my ex-girlfriends you know obviously when breakups happen and people are hurt it takes time to get over that but I don't hold grudges I will I will resolve [ __ ] in my head I will take my account accountability I try not to throw blame even though I know there is blame to be thrown I own
59:30 - 60:00 my [ __ ] I forgive and forget and I move on that's just the way it is it's always been like that it's really the only thing you can do right because living my life hating somebody for the rest of my life that I was once in love with or spent a lot of time with is stupid to me and I'm not saying that you're stupid I'm saying that this situation there's no reason that they can't be civil to each other or even be friendly right I don't see this as cheating there's a grandchild involved like you said there's a family there that isn't important an thing this needs to be an understood scenario try to be better and
60:00 - 60:30 be involved and if she hates you try not to be hated I know that's hard to do you can't control other people's emotions but there are things that you can do to start trying to heal that M I can understand how she feels like it's crossing a boundary because she is his new woman right she could be feeling disrespected by the fact that his ex won't allow her to be a part of the life that he has now and I can kind of understand where that emotion is coming from like they might be forming something outside of
60:30 - 61:00 what they have because she can't be involved in it right and I can understand the frustration and jealousy that she has as a woman from the outside looking in everything I said like they can have a relationship right you have to take that step back and understand you're going through your hormones I think you really need to sit down and figure out why it bothers you so much instead of just getting angry and frustrated about it and saying that it's wrong and attacking him for it sit down and have a conversation and say you know I know she doesn't like me I'm
61:00 - 61:30 really starting to feel like I'm being separated from things that are happening in your life like I'm I'm your woman I want to be a part of things and when I see or hear things like that between you two it makes me feel like a a level lower below you guys does that make sense yeah and that's that's a good conversation to have there there's more on here um and it actually pertains to what we're talking about so um I also want to say I forgot to to mention this before I started reading the emails when you guys send us emails we are going to be honest with you MH there and and though I don't want to
61:30 - 62:00 tell people their relationship's not worth it or you should end your relationship because ultimately it's your relationship that decision is yours to make but if I see problems red flags I'm going to I'm going to tell you none of this is um this is our opinions so if you don't like what we have to say and and you're not happy with the results of the email that you sent us I mean kind of tough [ __ ] no offense to anybody but we are going to give you our unbiased honest opinions on things and not all the time it's not always going to work out we've had some people that have been kind of bothered by the things that we've said that's fine hearing things
62:00 - 62:30 that you don't want to hear sucks it does so all right um and I should have said that before I started reading the email because it doesn't really pertain to what we're talking about right now but I needed to get the disclaimer while I was thinking about it um he also she also said he also told her the other day he was never getting married again and then last week she told him I'm a ho I'm not a hoe I've only slept with x amount of people and he lied to me about what she said because he knew I would get mad at her I told him they are too friendly and he said every co-parent relationship
62:30 - 63:00 is different he did tell me today that he said a boundry with her about talking to me I'm sorry talking about me and anything other than their kids especially the hoe conversation I believe him okay so look that's that's a [ __ ] problem I don't understand what's the hoe conversation she called her a ho she called her a hoe right to him and he just let it happen that's a problem I don't give a [ __ ] who you are somebody's saying something negative negative to me about you my response to them will be like that is the only time
63:00 - 63:30 that you're going to get to say that to me what was his response to it um you want me to read the whole thing over again that whole part just that whole part yeah um uh he also told her one day he was never getting married again and then last week she told him I'm not a hoe I have only slept with x amount of people and he lied to me about what she said because he knew I would get mad at her I guess maybe that should have said I'm a hoe because I've slept with x amount of people I I don't know why it reads that way yeah that doesn't make sense to me
63:30 - 64:00 um I told him that they are too friendly about um too friendly and he said every co-parent relationship is different he did tell me today he said a boundary with her about talking about me and anything other than the kids especially the hoe conversation and I believe him so I think that she said that she is a hoe or she's not a hoe because she's only slept with x amount of people which means he's told the ex how many women that people that she slept with I I don't know that that that scenario doesn't read right yeah but either way like to talk to your ex about his
64:00 - 64:30 current relationship and talk negatively about his current woman is a problem and it should never be allowed to fly like you are committed I mean obviously I don't know if they're married um they could just be in a relationship and and that does change things a little bit for my belief system because you date people before you get like serious and that's a learning phase the recing process is a different scenario than when you're living together as if you're married and doing the life thing MH but I would never allow somebody to disrespect you beyond that like you get that one
64:30 - 65:00 warning like especially if it's a guy like that's the only time you're going to get to leave here with your teeth intact like watch your [ __ ] tone and with a woman whether it's um you know my mother or whoever it'll be the only time you get to disrespect my woman like that don't do it again because now I'm I'm taking charge of the conversation and making sure that it's addressed right um and they know my boundaries on it um let's see one thing I can say is he doesn't
65:00 - 65:30 delete any of his any of this and I am welcome to see his phone at any time and when I point out these things he tells me they're not how he meant them and he explains what he meant I told him women takes things literal and I know he uh I know that's how she took it and I don't want her thinking he wants her he said it doesn't matter what she thinks because he cannot stand her they are divorced for a reason and he is with me so the fact that you have unfettered access to his emails and text messages and [ __ ] shows that he's not trying to
65:30 - 66:00 be deceitful right that you need to take that into consideration and that I mean obviously men say what we mean you know that's the whole part of being a man is that your word means something so you [ __ ] mean what you say and say what you mean um I think the context matters if she's saying [ __ ] like I miss you and he's like yeah I miss you too that's a [ __ ] problem right but oh I keep saying the I've been dropping them too my mom's just going to have have to know that I'm sorry now if she's saying something
66:00 - 66:30 like I'm glad you came over today and hung out with the grandchild we had a lot of fun and he says yeah I had a lot of fun as well can't wait for the next time that's not an issue no but some people may take it that way insecurities happen especially with hormonal I understand that but those are conversations that need to be had that's not a not a slight and if it makes you feel uncomfortable that's when that conversation needs to be had when it makes you feel uncomfortable not when it becomes a problem um I I said those two examples because they're two very drastic situations one
66:30 - 67:00 is definitely not okay and one is I can understand where the insecurity comes in but you need to see it from he's just there for the child right um he says it says I try to tell tell him it's her I don't trust the past 3 months for us have been uh hell and we have never been this way for 6 months she was blocked and we were great we were so happy he unblocked her because she finally let him see his granddaughter again after 6 months the conversations with her used to be very
67:00 - 67:30 neutral and now he's so nice but he says it's because he wants uh a co-parenting friendship and he doesn't want her to take his granddaughter away again the way he talks to her does affect my depression but he says it shouldn't because he's with me U and he also has to be civil look there's a difference between being civil and being overly friendly flirtatious right and you have to look at the situation is he just being overly friendly because it's it's not a problem you know it's making sure that the situation stays kosher and you're able to deal with [ __ ] there's
67:30 - 68:00 you know civility is fine you can get a lot accomplish by just being civil if he has to be overly friendly to this woman so that he can see his grandkid there's probably a possibility that she wants more and he has to abide by that in order to see the kid that's a problem because she's manipulating the situation and he's allowing it to happen right um but there's a kid involved and that that complicates things this for the last 3 months well 3 months is October when your pain started you've been hormonal as [ __ ] for the last 3 months your
68:00 - 68:30 hormones are not where they they need to be because of the drugs that you're on that is a bigger problem for you than this would otherwise be you're looking at life through tainted glass right now because your shits off I was going to say it's like you're looking through a fog yeah like um I don't understand why all of a sudden after 6 months she just unblocked him like that seems kind of like a random thing to do there had to have been something that created a need for engagement between the two of them for whatever reason cuz people don't just
68:30 - 69:00 unblock you to unblock you unless they want to start snooping at your life you know what I mean I I [ __ ] hate social media so much um I should probably also mention for two years we were on and off because he kept leaving me for her or cheating on me with her okay so now that changes everything and his reason reason um was when he chose me he lost his granddaughter which he did that's not a lie she would even tell us that she was taking her away if he chose me this evil
69:00 - 69:30 woman because she hates me uses his granddaughter against him he finally left for good and told me it was because he knew if she took his granddaughter away his granddaughter would always love him and like I said she did keep her away for 6 months with no communication whatsoever to him his daughter um to him this is his daughter he has raised her this woman is narcissistic and manipulative manipulative I swear I can read so of course I do not trust and this is why everything with her bothers me so badly so it it sounds like you have a reason not to trust him if he
69:30 - 70:00 cheated on you that was his choice that was a decision he made mhm that that's that changes the entire conversation of the email knowing that he went back and cheated and lied about it did she say did that say that he lied about it um I don't think it said that he lied I think it just said that he cheated and choose chose the ex-wife over her kept
70:00 - 70:30 leaving me for her cheating on me with her and his reasoning was when he chose me he lost his granddaughter which he did cheating has nothing to do with your granddaughter or with a granddaughter that's not that's not how that works that's not how that works that there's that's not like a oh I'm I'm going to go see my kids so I got to lay the dick down that's not how that works you can have a relationship with a family member or somebody that shares DNA with your granddaughter without getting the noodle wet it's not there's
70:30 - 71:00 not a reason for that to be a thing M and even if that was a stipulation that was like Hey you're not going to see the kid unless you you give me some D like there's other options there's courts there's there's a whole lot of other things that could take place there that was an active decision right if he was that's an active decision I I you know I could be like you know he doesn't love you because he cheated on you but I mean maybe he loves both of them you know people have different layers of love for different people you can be in
71:00 - 71:30 love with two people at the same time that is a normal emotion for people I don't give a [ __ ] what anyone says because people can't love two people at once you can you absolutely can because love differs from every single person because you get different things from different relationships from every person that you interact with whether it's your best friend a woman a man whatever the case may be you're going to get a different need met from that relationship that's why you have those relationships you're making me feel super insecure right now why are you in love with somebody else you're Alter Ego oh shut the [ __ ] up I'm I'm I'm not the one at question
71:30 - 72:00 here right I I don't I don't entertain that [ __ ] I am I'm an [ __ ] I am and and though I don't want to hurt people's feelings I don't give a [ __ ] I don't like I I would rather not hurt somebody's feelings but I have no filter and I don't care what people think of me I I truly don't like unless it's going to destroy my reputation but in order for it to destroy my reputation I would have had to make a decision to do some really foul [ __ ] right
72:00 - 72:30 and I will eventually always own my [ __ ] always so like this scenario is him throwing the blame in playing the victim MH you made a decision right this is not she didn't rape you bro like this that's not how that worked this is you can call it manipulation all you want this is your ex and you had an opportunity to get your dick wet and you took it that's a decision I don't I I disagree with everything that's
72:30 - 73:00 happening in this email from that that one [ __ ] sentence okay so of course I do trust her and this is why everything with her bothers me so badly I I'm sorry I do not trust her U but since he has started having communication with her again he has changed but if I bring up my feelings I am selfish our most current fight is because I did read the conversation where he said the best friend thing he said I shouldn't have read it I should trust him and then I'm hurt by what he
73:00 - 73:30 said because she clearly thinks he's still her best friend in that comment he's told me that if I don't change get out of my depression and not be so jealous then he's going to leave me this entire relationship has been going on since 2019 when I tell you I have never loved anyone the way that I love him I absolutely mean it I believe that because he cheated on you and you were still there you can't you can't [ __ ] cheat on somebody and then be like you have to trust me no [ __ ] I don't have to do anything you
73:30 - 74:00 [ __ ] showed me who you were you showed me your actions will always speak louder than words you can lie through your teeth words are when they mean nothing your actions showed me everything with your intent I don't have to trust you my depression and my selfishness and and my insecurities are because of you this entire scenario should have been resolved and this this should not be a thing if you two love each other and he
74:00 - 74:30 loves his granddaughter then he should have went through the court system and tried to make it so that he has rights to his granddaughter um I don't know about I don't know where you're at I know that some states actually have grandparents rights that's a thing in some states and and you should look into that because if that's the case he should be hiring a lawyer and letting a lawyer deal with this [ __ ] instead of going around and being around somebody that you don't trust making a relationship difficult because if he loves you the way that you love him he would not be putting you in a situation to feel the way that you
74:30 - 75:00 do [ __ ] frustrates me so much I can tell um he told he's told me if I don't change get out of my depression and not be so jealous and he's going to leave me you're okay my mom had cancer when I was a kid right and and I spent in time in and out of the hospital she had a full hysterectomy I've Witness witnessed and obviously medicine has evolved since the '90s but I witnessed the hormone patch
75:00 - 75:30 when my mom had to take her estrogen I would leave there were times that I slept outside instead of going home because of the drinking and the estrogen I know what your hormones being off can do to you MH if he doesn't know what this does he needs to do some research you both need to do some research this is something that doctors should discuss with people right the the hormone understandings now are so much further advanced than they've ever been in the history of man we know the importance of hormones and doctors don't understand
75:30 - 76:00 them the way that hormone replacement therapy people do I can't promise you that Summit can help you Summit re Rejuvenation centers.com I'm not affiliated with this this company at all I get nothing from talking about them um I do know the owner of the business on a personal level like i' I've had long in-depth conversations with him to make sure that he knows his [ __ ] because I know my [ __ ] and I'm not going to tell somebody to go talk to somebody that doesn't know more than me Scott knows
76:00 - 76:30 his [ __ ] if nothing else maybe reach out to them and see if they can give you some sort of advice um there's a very strong possibility that you're going to have to be on hormone replacement therapy if you're having hysterctomy right surgery for whatever was going on with your I don't remember what it said at the beginning he needs to understand that um because I have borderline personality disorder and depression I I've I've had threats made to me like that in the past if you don't get on meds or you don't start going to therapy I'm leaving holy [ __ ] are you
76:30 - 77:00 serious yeah we'll have that discussion off air that that is a buy I'm not you're not going to dictate my life if I if I can't get my [ __ ] under control the last thing you want I promise you the last thing you want is me on meds because when those meds fail the Suicidal Thoughts go from a one to 101 like within seconds I've been there been Baker acted because of it I'm not [ __ ] doing that ever again and I understand medicine's gotten better but because of my experiences there's nothing anyone's going to say to make me
77:00 - 77:30 change my mind in that if you were not willing to stick by your person through their depression and and the things that they're going through with their medical conditions that's fine people will judge you for it [ __ ] them if you can't handle it leave um that's a problem anyways uh where was I when he left me the last September for
77:30 - 78:00 what I thought was for good I was crushed he realized in November he made a huge mistake and fought for me and made me all of these promises up to February when he finally won me back he's not the man who won me back anymore and he says it's because I'm not the woman he won back he lost that man around September I do know he loves me because I had emergency surgery in August and he never left my side unless he was at work he stayed with me until visiting hours were over or sometimes over when the nurse has allowed it uh he has also done plenty of other things oh
78:00 - 78:30 itch sorry he's also done plenty of other things to show me and things he has said we both talk about how we have this pool and when we were both trying to describe it for the first time he said a pool at the same time it was so strange but we have a pool towards each other everything about us uh without the fighting compliments each other almost perfectly our hands even fit together as if it was a perfect fit uh that's why when things are amazing from February till October it
78:30 - 79:00 baffles me how we are fighting and how so far off in distance my own sister she raised me says I have never loved anyone the way that I love him and she can't understand why all I can do uh all I can tell her is I just don't I don't know he's my person we have this magnetic pool I know the man he can be and that he is deep inside he claims my depression has changed him your hormones are off why doesn't he understand this do you all have any advice I know this is a lot and complicated but I am desperately I Unconditionally Love This
79:00 - 79:30 Man and I want him forever I can't put in a words of love I have for him obviously because he cheated on you and you went back then there was a follow-up email there was actually a couple emails that I sent because when I got this initial email my first response was do not make any life-changing decisions until your hormones are back together I saw that I I I understand hormones I can't can't stress that enough if your hormones are wrong you are not who you are like you are a completely different person when that's going on I can't stress that enough anyway she
79:30 - 80:00 said I really appreciate this because the way I see her feel about you is how I feel about him talking about you feeling about me right he's my light and everything and I would move mountains for him we both decided to work on ourselves today he actually broke up with me yesterday over breaking his trust and looking at his phone so they're not married no but he gave okay hang on because I did it behind his back instead of asking him to see it he literally has my face ID set up on it because he wants me to know I have access to it at any time uh anytime
80:00 - 80:30 I ask I completely understand that I was wrong but it was my worry that came out of him telling him his ex uh I shut that engagement [ __ ] down real quick uh oh that okay so he told her I shut that engagement [ __ ] down real quick I'm never getting married again no one is moving here this is mine in Alice's house his granddaughter he apologized for telling her that actually cried and told me he did not mean it how it came out and he basically has to butter her up so she doesn't take Alice but I feel betrayed okay that's a lot he's
80:30 - 81:00 manipulating the situation you have you have every password right everything I have nothing to hide from you you you you will literally answer my phone at times if I'm in the shower my phone rings I'm like who is that answer it I don't care I don't whatever I have my location sent with you right so that you can look at that whenever you want and see where I am I have nothing to hide mhm if I gave you my passwords and you were like hey let me see your phone or you just grabbed my phone and started digging through my
81:00 - 81:30 [ __ ] there's not a trust broke there I gave you permission to do that face ID I'm giving you permission to look through my [ __ ] like so I have a counter point okay so I do have access to your phone I know passwords to everything like you said I have your location right how would you feel if you were in the shower your phone was on the nightstand charging and I sat there went on your phone and went through it without telling you I would be bothered by it we've had that discussion that's an issue though it is
81:30 - 82:00 an issue that is me showing you I don't trust you right which is what happened here right and I feel like me going behind your back because your phone is a very personal thing to you it's to everyone right that I meant that as a general statement I feel like I am breaking your trust in me going through your phone without permission because that does not belong to me right so I can see where his frustration came from I just I I wouldn't do that to you right we've also had a conversation this the first video that I ever had hit a
82:00 - 82:30 million views on Tik Tok was about this exact conversation right I am of the mindset that if you don't trust me and need to go through my phone we're done yeah and that's not me saying [ __ ] if you look through my phone I'm leaving cuz I would never do that I I have said that in the event that you did exactly this when you were done I'd be like are you satisfied didn't find anything no cool you can go now because you're showing me that you don't trust trust me and everything in a relationship is based on trust if you don't trust your partner there's nothing
82:30 - 83:00 there's nothing to stand on there's no ground you are you are basically building a foundation in quicksand right if if you were like if if you were okay so if you saw something while I was scrolling on on Facebook and you're like hey can I see your phone real quick and you opened Facebook and started scrolling to find that picture that's a different scenario than you looking for something to fight about right if you and again that's also different than you not trusting me mhm um I I would never have an issue handing you my [ __ ] right
83:00 - 83:30 ever but I need to know that you trust me because if I feel you don't trust me our foundation is sinking right and that's where this this problem comes in if I guess in that aspect you're right and that he he should still have that that resemblance of security and that she should have asked to go through it um but he's also shown previous actions that make him untrustworthy right so
83:30 - 84:00 there's not trust there because he's already cheated on her and lied and and done the things that he's done and regardless of how he loves her there will always be that insecurity there and that feeling of what if especially when things are going on the way that they are so we've also talked about this in a previous whatever we did I don't know if it was on a podcast or not he gave her everything she has unfiltered access to his phone her going behind his back and looking anyway is invalidating him showing her that he is trying to gain
84:00 - 84:30 her trust back I agree with that that was actually that was a a Q&A that wasn't a podcast but I remember that conversation and you're right and this isn't me trying to justify what he's done like he has [ __ ] he has messed up and he definitely has a like a trial by fire to go through I I I'm kind of doing what you're doing like Playing devil's after absolutely so and I agree with all of that I I I have this the the problem here the problem in this is that not all
84:30 - 85:00 people are going to be people hold cheating to different standards right I understand I I understand that in the event that you wanted to cheat there's nothing I can do about it m you're going to do what you want to do I could have a problem with it I could feel betrayed I could feel hurt I could feel whatever I'm going to feel but at the end of the day the decision that you make to do that is your decision to make and I can either if I love you I can either accept the fact that you may do it again and that you're still coming home every night and that you're building this life with me even though you're getting
85:00 - 85:30 [ __ ] down by another dude or I can move you along and find somebody that's going to meet the requirements that I need in life and in Fidelity and being monogamous right if if you can get past the fact that he cheated and he's not talking to the person he cheated with it means he may be cheating with somebody new right you don't know these things these are things that you two have to work through he's going to have to prove prove himself to you and you are going to have to accept the fact the possibility of him doing this again is it it could happen right I'm not saying
85:30 - 86:00 that he can't change I'm not saying that he didn't do this for his granddaughter I'm just saying the likelihood of him reoffending is increased at this point you can't trust that you love him unconditionally and you're willing to accept that he cheated and still keep him and and try to make things works and want to be with himh then you're going to have to accept the fact that he may cheat again and not push that because in the event that you are making him feel feel like you don't trust him even though he's made amends and is trying to do the right thing and trying to play Both Sides to you know to
86:00 - 86:30 be active in his Grand this is a whole manipulation thing on everyone's part but if he's trying to be a part of his granddaughter's life and he's trying to make you happy and is trying to play Both Sides to make things work then he's playing a manipulation game also she's playing one there's a lot of of foul [ __ ] that's happening here you guys need to be on the same page and working together as a team right because you two are now well you work together and if you're trying to make things work and trying to build a foundation and and he loves you the way that he says he
86:30 - 87:00 does and you love him the way you say you do then it should be the two of you trying to make it work for his granddaughter because you're supposed to be his support system right so in that aspect there's a lot that comes into that um knowing that you guys broke up and now you're trying to make it work again and you had these conversations until your surgeries are taken care of and your hormones are right you're not going to be who you were before September you're just not and he has to understand what's going on there it's no different than when you and I started dating you had to learn about borderlines so that you knew my triggers and my [ __ ] I did a lot of
87:00 - 87:30 research on that [ __ ] too and none of that is you're not responsible for any of it I'm responsible for for me and my actions and the decisions that I make and the way that I process things and deal with them and I know that you're not responsible for any of them but you knowing about my borderline to the depth that you know about borderline makes my bad days a lot easier because I can just tell you like I'm having abandonment today or I'm overly angry today or my depression is kicking or I need validation today I know what I'm going through because I know what I'm hearing I know what I'm feeling so we can have
87:30 - 88:00 those discussions if he doesn't understand the hormone process and doesn't know what you're going through he's not going to understand that this is not a you thing it's a hormone thing and it's making you overreact right especially if you got over the cheating thing and you weren't acting like this prior to October knowing that that happened a year ago MH so or two years ago she said um I'm not justifying what he did though it was wrong and it will never happen again the best friend thing did hurt me though but like I said he explained how
88:00 - 88:30 he meant it and couldn't remember if I was in the last email anyways he dumped me and I blocked him blocked me and and blocked me yesterday and even turned off Life 360 which is his way of telling me he was serious but today he came back um after our timeout and talked to me okay I what do you think the chances are that he went to the ex house yesterday turned off the Life 360 app so that he couldn't be tracked they were broke
88:30 - 89:00 up right why would you turn that off like I mean obviously if you think that you're done there's no reason for them to track you but like right it could also be again this is me Playing devil's advocate so in the last three months she has completely changed like a three like a 360 not like a totally different person he could be struggling with how to understand what is going on the dude's 50 you know he might not be good with
89:00 - 89:30 using smartphones and [ __ ] he might be great at using them he's just being neglectful towards her let's say that he's not good with smartphones this man is sitting there trying to figure out how to handle you and understand what you're going through and he's probably walking on eggshells I guarantee you that's the case and he's also trying to navigate keeping his ex-wife happy so he has access to his granddaughter mm that whole situation sucks dick okay here sorry I I I'm really trying not to
89:30 - 90:00 interrupt you go ahead no go ahead I won't forget my thought process I I already forgot mine okay I'm willing to bet that he went to the ex-wife and vented about what's going on right she probably said some things that made him think about some [ __ ] and then the next day he felt guilty and went back and tried to correct things when you have a support system for a very long time and those people are are still in your life they will always be your support system um my best friend sea has been my longest lasting friend in real life it's been 26 years
90:00 - 90:30 or 27 years I know him he's like a brother to me when I'm really truly having a meltdown and I need to to vent my entire life to somebody I'm calling Sean it's if if this was his person and he didn't have anyone else to do that with and you guys are having a fight there's a strong possibility that's that's what happened I could be wrong I could be you know toll assuming but I'm willing to bet that that there was conversations that were had about what's going on and she probably said some [ __ ] that made him
90:30 - 91:00 think and and it's making him question things m a lot of men don't understand women's hormones there's no reason for us to know that right and if he's 50 years old when he was in high school that's not something that was taught so unless he's actively done the research to learn about them he's not going to know these things um I've done I'm I'm 42 so he's got eight years on me but I've done the research to know what I need to know and I guarantee you that like our kids aren't going to learn about hormones and school like that cuz it's not a necessary thing unless they're going into the medical field right I'm sorry that I interrupted you I feel like an [ __ ] now it's okay um
91:00 - 91:30 but he did come back today after our timeout and talk to me about how we arrived at working on ourselves but my question to him was why can't we go to counseling and do that together he did agree that he doesn't want to lose me so I feel like we are in limbo I really appreciate you doing this you have no idea how much uh and yes on these hormones I don't feel like I even know myself anymore it's bad and by the way I am so sorry I I hearded so many of y'all's Tik toks once uh and shared so many I sent them to him but I had gotten actually behind watching your guys' Tik
91:30 - 92:00 toks so I'm not trying to get you Shad out blah blah blah um there's so much there and like I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and just say that he doesn't know what's going on and he doesn't understand woman's hormones and he's he could be having guilt like on a personal level he could be feeling guilty about the grandkid or being guilty about the divorce or the previous relationship or whatever the situation is there could be a guilt there mhm if she's constantly saying negative
92:00 - 92:30 [ __ ] to him about you it's going to create a negativity bias in his mind about you and with you going through the hormones and being depressed and having everything going on on top of that having an external Source talking [ __ ] about you is going to change his view of you well he did set a boundary with her after the fact right but he could have seen how that negatively affected her right and like at the time he by he could have just been totally tuning her ass out the whole time she was talking [ __ ] about his woman and then he got there and was
92:30 - 93:00 like oh she said this this and this and then it could have Dawn on him in that moment like damn I really shouldn't have let her do that because he's just trying to appease the situation to be around the grand I agree with that I I absolutely believe that it 100% could have been he heard her realized that it's a problem and then he addressed it at that point when he realized how negative that is it it really sounds like he's trying do you think that he would have checked that situation if she wouldn't have read the messages or do you think it would have continued I think getting an outside
93:00 - 93:30 perspective on things does Influence People absolutely like I said he could have just been uhhuh yeah okay all right I think hearing that something bothers people like example her ex could be talking complete [ __ ] about him that might not bother him yeah because he knows that he landed her that's it so that can talk all the [ __ ] he wants that's not going to influence his bias on her right so he could have felt the
93:30 - 94:00 same way about that situation and then realizing it affected her the way it did I don't know I can't say that he would have dressed it if it was never seen there's a lot it's a lot to think about I um I definitely think that the and I know that I brought up the turn off the Life 360 app and him possibly going over there and I still believe that that could have been a thing um especially if they were broken up and not together anymore like it wouldn't have mattered they're broken up so so one she doesn't need to access to Life 360 you guys are done he blocked
94:00 - 94:30 you on everything he was done done and if something did happen at that point you guys were broken up anyway so you don't even have a right to know about it at that point as far as I'm concerned because you weren't together but I think that you guys do need to have a discussion about it and as much as I don't think it you have a right to know what he did I think that if this plays out and you guys rekindle things and 6 months later you find out that he did go go over there it's going to reignite a lot of things and you're going to end up with a whole lot of other problems so you need to have a
94:30 - 95:00 discussion about that and you need to explain to him like I'm not going to get mad about it because you don't have a right to be mad you guys are broken up you're going to get hurt and you were absolutely going to have to deal with that hurt but it's better to know if he went over there and did that than not because in the event that you find out later it's going to be an issue right um and if you if he did go over there and do that or even spend time with her is that going to open the door for the X to start more [ __ ] because now there could be like well he was with me the other night or
95:00 - 95:30 it's [ __ ] Middle School drama but you know what I mean like that could be very much be a thing or maybe she's going to have it in her head that they're going to work things out if she wants to be with him because it sounds like that's what what she wants MH and he's just trying to appease the situation um this is a [ __ ] mess it is a mess what advice do you have for this woman because I I'm I'm I'm having a negativity bias of the entire situation because of where things are mhm and my previous life experiences right
95:30 - 96:00 so he cheated on her left her for the ex realized why he left her in the first place and went back to his current woman okay gave her unfettered excess to his whole phone passwords to everything when she asks something he clarifies it and what he meant he blocked her yesterday removed her from everything and then today he was
96:00 - 96:30 like maybe we can work on this yeah wording it the way that you worded it changed the entire view of this because of the unfettered access to him trying to make things right right in my head so I I really think like he's trying yeah and you know like I said he's he's probably going through a lot of [ __ ] right now I can guarantee it his woman is changing he doesn't understand why she's changing that he doesn't know how to help her he doesn't know what he can say he doesn't know what he can do cuz she she got gave herself bronchitis from crying I'm imagining there's a lot of
96:30 - 97:00 like verbalization with that well she said she's screaming and [ __ ] at him which she's she doesn't do right how would you feel if all of the sudden my hormones change and I'm screaming at you okay so I know hormones right and if you started acting like that I would make you go get blood work mhm because I can read your blood work okay aside from that I also have previous life experience because of what my mom went through with her cancer mhm for a normal man who doesn't know
97:00 - 97:30 what I know putting myself in that position and you change like that I would think that it's my fault right and then I would try to fix whatever is going on because that's what men do there's a problem let us fix that problem that's not always the answer to things I've learned that the hard way sometimes you guys just need to vent and that would be my first thing like okay do you need me to fix something or are you trying to vent knowing that there's something something going on with you and I can't figure out what it is and you can't talk to me and you can't express what's going on not understanding the hormone thing I
97:30 - 98:00 honestly in his position wouldn't know how to make us work right because I am such a huge proponent on we have to talk about this and figure out how we're going to move forward if we can't figure this out there's no point in moving forward I'm not going to live a life of unhappiness because you're [ __ ] miserable and won't tell me what's going on mhm this is a very hard thing for a man that doesn't understand what's going on to the um I've watched my stepdad go through it with my mom when she was going through all this [ __ ] like it it's a hard thing
98:00 - 98:30 um and again men are fixers right we want to solve whatever problem our wom puts in front of us because it makes us feel like a good man and when you can't articulate what the problem is because you're hormonal and you don't even realize it's the hormones you just feel depressed and upset and angry you can't even articulate at that point you know your IQ when you get to that point your IQ lowers so much that we're working on Instinct and pure emotional thought at that point so
98:30 - 99:00 horrible horrible [ __ ] is going to get said and and we are not going to be okay right I I feel bad for both of them um I and and now that you've laid it out the way that you've laid it out basically cuz we read this email and you took what you took and I took what I took hearing you lay it out the way that you laid it out I feel bad as [ __ ] for him because he's between a rock and a hard place because he's being manipulated by the ex and he has no idea what the [ __ ] is going on with his woman so his home life and then his outside personal life is a
99:00 - 99:30 disaster everything's [ __ ] up right now he's probably all over the place and I do feel bad for her she's going through it oh absolutely like the insecurity the jealousy the knowing that he's already cheated the hormonal imbalance knowing you have a surgery coming up like you're both going through right now you both my recommendation would be to sit down and have an in-depth conversation about what you both are going through mentally right now and it needs to be a non-defensive like if he tells you you're part of the reason he's
99:30 - 100:00 having a hard time right now you need to hear that you know hard that's going to be for her with her hormones it's going to be so hard and if you need to take a minute because you feel like you're going to cry you're going to scream you need to tell him I need a second to process that because of my hormones yeah and he needs to understand that this is not an easy time right now and until that surgery is done and you're on whatever you need to take for your estrogen and [ __ ] like it's going to be a hard time for both of you and this is going to be one of those points in your relationship where either you're going to come out stronger with a better
100:00 - 100:30 understanding of each other because you both put the work in to understand one another or you're just going to be keep going in this [ __ ] breakup cycle where you break up and then get back together and then you're jealous and you break up and get back together it's you both have a choice here ice maker did that all make sense it did it it makes a lot of sense and and I agree on the being stronger point if they get through this together because it's going to make their communication stronger if they can figure out how to communicate with each other right and if he's one of those people that is not um clear and concise
100:30 - 101:00 with the things that he says and he has to explain what he means he has to work on his communication right so that he is plain spoken you shouldn't have to explain what you mean every time you say something it could also be they have varying definitions right and that comes into the check-in earlier making sure that your boundaries and expectations are clear defined so in that instance if he's explaining something she needs to hear his definition of it and not say well you're wrong you need to understand
101:00 - 101:30 it the way I understand it yeah we're coming up on an hour and 40 minutes this is our now our longest podcast I want to read one more and then we'll do two shorter ones just we have content throughout the week this is a longer one so I'm not going to do this one um do I get to read anything would you like to read one yeah I feel super left out I I would much rather you read than me [ __ ] that makes my life easy I'm over here being fat having a hard time breathing and [ __ ] oh shush all right this is a lot of back and forth so
101:30 - 102:00 the first page matters and this the last page matters okay there you go I get to sit over here and be pretty for a little while so is this one that I've read I have no idea let's go for it all right just jumping into it hello I wait I would like to say that that was a very productive conversation for us yeah yep that that last email provided an opportunity for you and I to see things from very different points of view and
102:00 - 102:30 then discuss them right and change each other's thought process yeah that is the entire point of having the communication struggles and and like working through comprehension and understanding things so that you can have those kind of conversations with your partner MH that was a dope moment for me yeah me too I enjoyed it and there were points in there I was finishing your thoughts for you yeah I love you I know I love the Cockiness yeah hello I
102:30 - 103:00 am a female 30 married to my husband who's 29 for a year and a half I hope she tells us how long they've been together oh cuz that's super relevant because everybody wants to know how long you've been together well I feel like that is relevant if they've only been married a year and a half it was a joke because people tell us constantly how long you've been together yeah I'm actually a 120y old elf so he's 42 let's figure that out there is so much it's hard to know where to begin so sorry in advance if
103:00 - 103:30 this is jump beinging all over the place we've been together going on six years in February oh look at that it's like we're watching [Laughter] TV I really do do that I'm so sorry I can't believe we just got that on the podcast oh wait wrong one I love this thing I'm so sorry I'm like this I grew up in a traditional household my stepdad did all the traditional man work while my mom worked part-time jobs and
103:30 - 104:00 took care of traditional wife work of the house I am I have been having a hard time with my husband doing the traditional husband rle such as keeping up with my vehicle taking the garbage out Etc also have to admit that I'm not the greatest traditional wife even though I try my best to be because that's what I want little backstory I have a son who is six by another man okay how long have they been
104:00 - 104:30 together six years okay that math don't add up to me it does not proceeds okay my son's father makes it very difficult for me most of the time a lot of people say I give in too much sorry there is a lot of it looks like it was typed in a hurry my son's father makes it very difficult for me most of the time a lot
104:30 - 105:00 of people say I give in too much my husband being one of those one of those people punctuation matters guys absolutely it it it will definitely make a lot easier for us to read these cohesively it'll make us not sound stupid I know I feel like I'm like oh my god I've been reading since I was four but I feel stupid right now oh man okay so husband is one of those people saying that she gives in too much to the ex honestly I just try to avoid conflict
105:00 - 105:30 I get that I do what best I do what is best for my son and do what needs to be done no matter what that is which my son's father takes advantage of a lot of the time then you need to stop doing things so you're married right that's right yeah so your partner comes first yeah and and I I don't care if I catch Flack for that or not you have a you have a kid you're supposed to protect that kid he's a step
105:30 - 106:00 parent he's supposed to protect that kid but your partner comes first right you two work together as a team to raise that child right show them how to love show them what's expected of a man and a woman that kid comes second I don't give a [ __ ] what anyone says when that kid grows up and moves out of the house your partner is all you have left and if you ruin that relationship for a child like you're going to probably die alone right or the kid will become 18 years old and divorce will happen and then miserable and and all that [ __ ] and if they're 30
106:00 - 106:30 that means what 50 years old you'll be on the market again yeah you know don't don't don't allow your ex to become a problem to your current right so speaking on experience I co-parent with my kid's father and I was going out of my way to do things for him for the sake of keeping peace and making things easy when you and I got together and you
106:30 - 107:00 started pointing out those small things I like damn he's right like I I am bending over backwards for a person I'm not even in a relationship with just to make my life easier because we have kids together I now that we are together you know we are husband and wife I am not going to put myself in a position with my kid's father to ruin our relation relationship right he has friends he has family I am not the only person in his life that he needs to rely on because I
107:00 - 107:30 happen to be the mother of his children he's in a whole other relationship like do not be calling me will I go out of my way to do something if it's like a super tight bind and he has nobody else yeah that makes you a decent person like he needed a car battery he had nobody to drive him to Walmart you know his dad was out his town his mom doesn't have a car all of his friends were working because he is my kid's father I will go out and do like decent human things I'm not going to come help you move I am not
107:30 - 108:00 trying to go out to breakfast with you to have a conversation about the kids that can be a phone call I don't know I feel like that just needed to be stated okay so because he has stated the the man in the email has stated that he has a problem with the way things are are done between her and him right that creates a problem in the household if in the scenario that you laid out before before you did that you asked me if I was okay with it right and which I told you there's no win sit it's a no win situation for me cuz if I tell you no then I'm the [ __ ] who prevents
108:00 - 108:30 you from helping him and if I did have a problem with it I couldn't tell you no because then I'm the [ __ ] that that has a problem with it right so I have to put my my [ __ ] aside and be civil even though there's times that I really don't want to be right but if there is something that's bothering me and it's going on between you and your ex and I'm afraid to say something or I do say something and nothing changes you're showing me where my level of importance to you resides right in the event that you ever do anything that puts me second
108:30 - 109:00 third or fourth to another person I'm done right I'm not going to fall second to anyone in my life ever again it's just not going to happen I would rather die alone and miserable than [ __ ] trying to like prove my worth to somebody and in that scenario that scenario where you go above and beyond for your ex knowing that it fects your partner the way that it does m subconsciously he's like damn that [ __ ] means more to her than I do because she's choosing his emotion and
109:00 - 109:30 his feelings over mine it has nothing to do with the kid that's how he's viewing that situation right okay personal traumas can you tell stop it I'm so sorry you went through that it is what it is I hope I'm making it better for you like I I legit go out of my way to make sure you're comfortable in our relationship even when it comes to my kid's father because I'm there for the kids I'm not there for him we've had conversations where you've
109:30 - 110:00 come to me and said like X Y andz is bothering me with you and your ex and I've absorbed that and they were very valid emotions not I didn't want to say emotions but that's the only word that came to my mind I'm not unreasonable no you're not everything that you've come to me about is very reasonable and I take it into account and I have conversations and things change and they're not changing for nothing nothing that happens between me and the kid's father affects the kids right it's all personal [ __ ] and that's why it's valid when you come to
110:00 - 110:30 me because it's personal between him and I so when I have conversations and things change it makes it better for both households it's I I I can't remember where I was going with that I just want to stress that from personal experience having those conversations and implementing the changes that you come to me with makes an all-arounder allaround better situation right it's important to listen to your partner this is the person you're gonna spend the rest of your life with who you want to spend the rest of
110:30 - 111:00 your life with do not negate his feelings when it comes to a situation just because he didn't help create it if that makes sense that that's a really big deal for me right I think that when things like that happen and people subconsciously feel second when they should feel like the most important thing everything starts to shift and it will be very minor things at first and then more things will happen that will strike that nerve
111:00 - 111:30 and the more raw that nerve gets the more things will change and it could take five or six years before things really fall apart but that is one of those unforgivable sins in my opinion right and at this point he's voicing it yeah he's saying this is this is uncomfortable for me you go above and beyond for him if you continue to ignore that you are going to I mean other factors will play into it but you're going to be one of the reasons that that relationship could fail and I know it's hard it's not easy especially when it comes to kids because
111:30 - 112:00 you're so Fe fearful of what he could do or what could happen right nobody wants their kids taken from him right it it's a really crappy situation cuz I have fears like that but once I address the situation if the person is rational enough all of the anxieties and whatever you're worried about happening because you don't go above and beyond for this person you're going to see that it's just anxieties you people got to keep in mind too that you will what if a scenario to death yeah and you will play through every single possible outcome
112:00 - 112:30 and you will get stressed out and you will freak out and then the situation will happen you like damn I wasted three days of my life freaking the [ __ ] out over nothing M I'm that's why I tell you all the time when you're like I'm starting to get angry something there's no reason for that until we have a reason to freak out and worry don't [ __ ] freak out and worry and when that time comes let me deal with it there's no reason for that because I I won't I won't Panic until I have to so that goes a long way so she goes on to say I do what is best for my son and do what needs to be done no matter what it is which my son's father takes
112:30 - 113:00 advantage of a lot of the time you need to stop letting him take advantage MH I was being taken advantage of and I put a stop to that [ __ ] and now it doesn't happen once you make boundaries and you adhere to those boundaries and don't give in that just becomes life at that point right now we have 50/50 custody a week on and a week off I live 45 minutes for my son's father which was my choice I
113:00 - 113:30 wanted a better life for my family and that is what and what I wanted a better life for my family and that is what has given us my son goes to school in the school district that his father lives in so every other week for 5 days I drive 45 minutes to take him to school stay at my mom's while he is in school and and come home after not right away which is something I have to work on because it makes it hard for me to be that traditional wife I want to be if it were me in this situation and I
113:30 - 114:00 had I made that choice I moved 45 minutes away from my kid's father I would drive 45 minutes in the morning to drop him off and then I would drive right back home right I would get whatever I need to get done in those four or five hours and then make that 45 minute drive back you are putting yourself in a position to fall behind I I want to know what she's doing after the kid gets out of school that prevents her from going back home right away that that's a that's a big that that's a huge concern for me if I came home from work knowing that you were 45
114:00 - 114:30 minutes away and you didn't come home for 2 and 1 half hours MH when you should have been home 15 minutes or 45 minutes after I got home or whatever the case may be like that would be a problem for me I I would be blowing your [ __ ] up like where are you why aren't you home like what are you doing I I you know it gets dark at 6:00 it's 5:30 are we going to have dinner together or not am I going to get some quality time with you like do I only get to spend time with you on the weekends because now I feel like a weekend warrior husband like there's there's a whole lot of questions that play into that for me I probably should let you read before I I judge that
114:30 - 115:00 but I don't think she really goes into why she stays instead of going home to me it sounds like it's a convenience thing because you're not making a 45 minute trip four times right one there one back and then one there and one back you're just getting it all in one go yes at second so she spends 45 minutes that's what 90 minutes that's an hour and a half yeah you spend an hour and a half
115:00 - 115:30 driving every day adding in another hour and a half is going to suck to me that is the choice that was made when you decided to move 45 minutes away right so you drop them off let's say we drop them off at school at 7:30 o 7:30 in the morning that's typically Elementary School you drive 45 minutes home you're getting home a little bit after 8:00 he gets out at 3:00 p.m. so the latest you can leave your house I would say is 2: right so you have from 8:30 to
115:30 - 116:00 2 p.m. to take care of household [ __ ] do you do you know what you can accomplish in 45 minutes of drive time round trip or just call it One Direction cuz if you're driving there with the kid and you're having conversations with them that 45 minutes on the way home if you have an audiobook or a podcast or any kind of reading that you need to do self-help anything I dude I love my drive time I love my drive time I get more done during my drive whether it's business phone calls family phone calls
116:00 - 116:30 because I won't talk on the phone unless I'm in the car I've been doing that too because otherwise I don't want I don't want to do this this and I'm definitely not going to put you on speaker phone so that I'm interrupting the TV in the house you know what I mean so I get a lot accomplished during that time frame you can utilize that 45 minutes round trip or each Direction without the kid M to your benefit you can grow in that time frame utilize that time it's not just wasted drive time gas is expensive gas is expensive that could also be another reason that she stays at her mom's house because of gas
116:30 - 117:00 um that would so that whole thing would be a conversation I would have with my husband because you're falling behind on your traditional housewife duties when you fall behind on duties that's going to add stress in the household that added stress in the household is going to add stress into your relationship it's also going to make somebody feel like they're working harder than the other person right so the first step cuz you emailed us for help the first step I would take is I I would start driving home after I dropped the kid off I would drive home I would take care whatever I need to take care of and I would ask my
117:00 - 117:30 husband is it okay if I do this like do we have the funds to be able for me to make that trip four times in a day every other week that way I can make sure that my half is being taken care of is going to alleviate the stress in our household right I agree with that another thing is that she said she doesn't leave right away away so I'm I'm assuming the son gets home and then they're hanging out at Mom's house for another hour to two
117:30 - 118:00 hours and then it's another 45 minute drive home which negates all family time at night time right so you're taking that time away from your husband I also poti potentially okay it it could that would if that's situation right it is an assumption if that is a scenario you are neglecting your husband MH cuz what's going to happen Okay so you said 3:00 is about when school gets out for elementary kids so call it two hours
118:00 - 118:30 that she stays there that's 545 minute home puts her back at 6:00 not homework dinner bath time by the time the kid goes to bed you're both so tired that you're not getting any quality time together you're not getting caught up on the day y you are losing on all forms of intimacy at that point that that's that would be a problem for me like that would be a legitimate problem for me right on the odd weeks that I don't have my son I stay home and still find it hard to do the traditional things a housewife is supposed to do but by the time I'm a
118:30 - 119:00 week behind on everything but by that time I am a week behind on everything laundry dishes Etc my husband helps sometimes with dishes and he takes the garbage out when asked but never without being asked another thing I have an issue with is that in the last 5 years he has been jumping from job to job and making it hard at times to make ends meet pause do you not have clear expectations of who job whose job is what right because the garbage is a man's responsibility MH we even tell our kids that right our son knows at 4 years old that when I'm taking the garbage out he's helping
119:00 - 119:30 we're taking you know he can hold the the other handle the bag while I carry it like I have him grab the little tiny recycle bin at four years old and we take the garbage out together and in the event that you've you've you know when we did Christmas you went outside to hide something from them he's like no Mommy that's a man's job you're a lady you don't do that I'll do it and he kept trying to take the garbage out for you because we've instilled that if I'm spending $140 a week on nails pedicures whatever however often you go do that the last thing I want is your nail coming off picking up a heavy ass garbage bag right
119:30 - 120:00 that's a man's job or I appreciate that consideration or you pulling that out of there and there being a hole in the bottom of the bag and and gross [ __ ] getting all over the floor that now has to be cleaned up like so he needs to be dealing with that that's a man's job you need to lay out the expectations of whose job is what and those expectations need to be adhered to when everyone knows their job it's not hard to do on the the event in in the event MH there's no way in hell that I'm letting dishes sit in the sink for four days right has that happened no oh I that
120:00 - 120:30 email said that she gets a week behind on dishes she's got to then play ketchup I I'll burn this [ __ ] house down if we get roaches mhm I mean that right I I have Hues come out like I have a a pest control that comes out here consistently I don't [ __ ] around when it comes to bugs and it's not because I'm freaked out by bugs it's because I don't want to live like that ants anything I don't want that [ __ ] in my home so if I came home and it had been a day of dishes in the sink and I saw food crusted up I don't give a [ __ ] what you're doing I'm doing the dishes I don't need to be asked I don't
120:30 - 121:00 want bugs in the house we may have a discussion about it afterwards like hey can you please not leave the dishes overnight or whatever the case may be right but if she's gone and not coming home because she's hanging out with her mom and the dishes aren't getting done like he's now having that responsibility added to his plate and if that was a clear Define job of her responsibility and he's doing her job there's going to be resentment there yeah I'm going to be honest if I were a man and my wife is 10 days out of the month getting
121:00 - 121:30 behind on things because she's Lolly gagging at her mom's house and talking [ __ ] and whatever and getting home late and can't keep up I wouldn't do anything without being asked either because who gives a [ __ ] at that point nothing's getting done you're not working as a team right you're going to catch so much [ __ ] for that statement yeah oh yeah oh I would be so frustrated as a man I understand that depression happens and things are going on in life life you committed to a person mhm I'm not trying to [ __ ] on this woman I'm just pointing out things in my
121:30 - 122:00 thought process on how I would handle the situation I can see the comment section now well what about the guy that just comes home and plays video games and ignores me all night long and that's also a problem yeah but that's not what we're talking about but that's those are the comments that are going to happen and now that I've said that it's not going to happen because I just everyone that was typing that comment is now deleting because I just addressed that [ __ ] but I guarantee you had I not said something that would have been that would have been the comment section that that's a whole deflection tactic yeah absolutely change the narrative as a
122:00 - 122:30 conversation to make me a victim right this is a lot yeah just just from this first few paragraphs I feel like everybody in this situation is depressed I think the effort's not there there is no effort when you're depressed she is so far behind on things she feels like she's never going to get caught up I'm depressed right you think I'm not putting effort in you handle your depression differently though right because I have expectations I I'm not going to be a victim and I'm not going to allow myself to fall behind and be less of a man for you because I'm sad
122:30 - 123:00 right if if I have crippling depression where I need to lay down and take a nap and sleep in the middle of the day which is happened you know it's [ __ ] bad but the next day when I get up regardless of how I feel I have [ __ ] to do I get the world is not going to stop because I I need a hug yeah so and I don't give a [ __ ] how people feel about that I deal with depression suicidal depression and I still get through my [ __ ] because I have people that [ __ ] depend on me to get it done right so that's not an excuse to me I I agree there's mornings especially my depression gets
123:00 - 123:30 bad like I'm at that same point where I'm suicidal like do I get up and brush my teeth or do I grab a gun right like and in those mornings I might lay in bed until 10:30 or 11:00 but I still get my ass out of bed and do dishes and sweep and clean the counters and put everything away and do our laundry because that's my duty right you know because you're living for another person now it's not just about you anymore right that was intense guys I'm a passionate person right and and I know that people tell me that I'm a very intense person or I get angry and
123:30 - 124:00 sometimes there's frustration there there's certainly frustration when we have some of these conversations because I don't understand right how people can allow these things to happen to themselves or you know allow themselves to be treated the way they are by their people but I genuinely do believe that like I don't you know I don't want to go to the gym every morning when I wake up and there are days that I I flat out be like I don't want to do this as I'm grabbing my drink and walking out to the gym I do it because it needs to get done I have I have a duty to those that love me to stay alive as long as I can to
124:00 - 124:30 provide and protect and be healthy and if I let myself get fat and heart disease and cholesterol issues and all the [ __ ] that comes with being unhealthy right I could live a lot less time and the people that depend on me to be that man for them the people that I love are going to suffer right so as much as I don't want to get up and go do that [ __ ] I get up and do it and I do it most of the time without complaining I will complain on my way out there and I'll complain while I'm in there but I'm doing it so at that point it doesn't matter if I'm complaining or not the work's getting done so and that that carries over to all things it's a self discipline that I've instilled in myself
124:30 - 125:00 that I won't allow myself to regress on because it's important to me to be that person right is self-accountability so before I continue reading I want to specifically say I'm not trying to [ __ ] on this woman of course I might be saying things that she doesn't want to hear and hearing things like what I've said could be hard to take in I really want it to be thought about though right you know like take what I've said in consideration I'm not trying to be shitty I'm not trying to be attacking you know you emailed us for an
125:00 - 125:30 opinion and I'm sorry if I'm coming across like aggressive or judgmental that's not how I'm meaning it to be I'm just seeing a lot of a lot of faults on both ends right I don't think I truly don't believe that people send us emails expecting us to just agree with them right and anybody that's ever gone to therapy before you may be the one that's going to therapy and you get your partner to go and then you may get [ __ ] on the whole time your partner's there by your therapist you don't know yeah but until you have somebody from that doesn't have any value or um a you
125:30 - 126:00 know real in uh what's the word I'm looking for there's no um there's no skin in the game for your relationship we don't know you so we're giving you an unbiased right unfettered opinion based off of what you've told us and it is to make you better because these are things that if if we can tell you like hey this could be a problem and you're able to to pick it apart right you can take the accountability and that little bit of change may be enough for him to start stepping up because again we reciprocate
126:00 - 126:30 those emotions right so in regards to him he so he's been jumping from job to job in The Last 5 Years so there is no stability financially that would scare the [ __ ] out of me would scare the [ __ ] out of me too if if he is not applying himself into a career and he's just job hopping trying to make ends me and do the minimum that's a problem why why why is he leaving works like that why is why is he because that
126:30 - 127:00 could be a thing you know what I mean like if he has a trade job and he's good at what he does it could be that he's looking for that level up and if he's jumping from level up to level up that's a problem you hold that job until you land another job make sure you're going to make more money and that it's going to be a benefit for you to leave before putting in your two weeks and actually leaving that's the thing yeah and if he does if you don't have a trade get a trade get a trade a lot of money in trade jobs so I'm going I'm about to say the same thing I just said so if she's not keeping up on her duties and he's getting home and has to see
127:00 - 127:30 like dishes are done again because she's [ __ ] around he might not want to help out anymore if you were not making sure we were financially stable and I was constantly stressed about how we're paying bills and how we're getting things for the kids and how are we going to feed ourselves I wouldn't want to be home to be take taken care of anything I wouldn't I wouldn't expect you to want to be with me at that point right and and that's my personal belief I understand I've been broke right I know what it is to be broke but I've always made my ends meet I've always made sure that everything was taken care of and
127:30 - 128:00 even if I had to you know take part in illegal activities to make it happen right I'm going to do whatever the hell I got to do to make things work MH I'm I am fortunate enough now to not have to worry about any of that [ __ ] because of the life that I've built for myself but I I I believe that's my duty I want to be that provider and even though we are very comfortable fin like very comfortable financially I still stress out about money I know but that's a good thing right you're not going to spend beyond your means just because
128:00 - 128:30 you're getting another paycheck in a week right that is a very toxic way to live by so the fact that you're still financially aware and you get stressed when things di below a certain thing that makes me trust you more in maintaining our household that's good to know yeah because I'm a [ __ ] mess when our money's not right and I know it and it's we've never had a time where our money's not right like I've always been able to to pull ridiculous money out of nothing and I've been able to make it work and and like sometimes
128:30 - 129:00 being in business is just moving money from one account to another I get that right but I I scrutinize the money so if we have a bad day at one of the businesses and we only do $1,200 instead of $2,500 I want to know why right are we dipping is there new competition in the area has are my my employees becoming dicks like and I will overanalyze that and that will make me a mess to deal with M and I know that so I'm fully aware of how I get when it comes to money I know I just had a really stupid thought what's up you're
129:00 - 129:30 like a sloppy joe but that's my favorite sandwich to have anyway why am I like a sloppy joe cuz you're messy oh okay it was a stupid that was very random no you said [Laughter] like oh man I'm sorry you guys are still listening to us anything you want to add before we go on okay I feel like I've interjected a lot I've tried talking to him but it seems every time we talk it ends up in an argument most of the time because I get
129:30 - 130:00 frustrated and start yelling oo accountability yes which is another thing I've been working on but it's hard because I don't feel like he makes my feelings valid or he isn't really listening and sometimes I also feel like I'm not making his feelings valid that whole sentence was good I like that yeah there's a whole lot of accountability on her part and she's recognizing it there's a breakdown in communic that needs to be a discussion okay love that little more backstory we both grew up in two completely different households he grew up with a narcissist
130:00 - 130:30 family that showed him no love whatsoever where my family all my life that's all I've known was love there is so much more to this that this email is almost going to be pointless all I can say is help well I hope what we've said so far is helpful in a sense in the last 5 years I have changed myself in so many ways and I did it alone at this point I don't know if it's because I wanted to do it alone if I was or if I was made to do it alone my husband is a bluecollar man and
130:30 - 131:00 sometimes I use that as an excuse for most of his behavior I I would like I wish you have elaborated on that what the behavior because I I know that we say things in a bluecollar world that most people would never hear right there's a lot of stupid [ __ ] that gets said on on you know when you're out in a field with a bunch of rough neck dudes that are just you know we there's a lot of bullying and [ __ ] talking and calling each other [ __ ] and all the nonsense that happens out there that you can't bring home which is why we've talked about the transition phase from going from work to home you
131:00 - 131:30 know if he's a bluecollar worker he's got to have a trade right and if that's the case I I think that the the job bouncing could be a a different issue than what we originally thought you know right or he's a grunt and he's he's learning that trade yeah because there are laborers that just you know that aren't unionized and don't have like real skill sets that are learning on the job I I don't know there's not enough information there for me to yeah yep I know it may seem like I don't have
131:30 - 132:00 anything in here about what I'm doing wrong and that's not because I don't do anything wrong because that's far from the truth and six years I've done way more wrong than I have to say he has done but also in six years I've been changing everything about myself to be the person I need to be for my family and I feel like he doesn't want that does it elaborate why I feel like he wants the same person he met six years ago and I won't go back to that person that person was horrible and mean never took anyone's feelings aside from her own into
132:00 - 132:30 consideration okay so before we move on I want to touch on that I do too because she was pregnant six years ago right so and they were they were new in a honeymoon phase while she was pregnant right so she touched on the fact that she was a horrible person who was mean and never took anyone's feelings in consideration mhm he might not be missing that he might be missing like the fun flirty you who you were when you guys were wooing
132:30 - 133:00 each other right I'm wondering why her mind went to that guilt accountability extreme accountability she goes on to say for Christ's sake I cheated on him for four years and he stayed through it all I put him through hell and now I'm trying to fix the things I have done to him and I scared I can't not to mention that childhood trauma he went through that I am trying to get him to open up about that's a whole story in itself and we'll have to be for another time I'm
133:00 - 133:30 scared to even tap into Parts I messed up I guess I'm trying to heal wounds of his past because I think will help make a brighter future for him pause you can't heal somebody else's wounds that's not how that works you can't and on the the person that you cheated on him with for four years was it the baby daddy I I I do feel like that needs to be elaborated on absolutely needs to be elaborated on because that changes an entire conversation about the beginning of this where he feels the way he does about going above and beyond for the baby daddy
133:30 - 134:00 right man yep The Details Matter so hypothetically we don't know if that's a scenario but let's say that's a scenario she cheated with the kid's father for four years and he stayed anyway that's love that is love it it's love it's foolishness but it's love so because that person's always going to be in the life right so I'm not directing this towards the woman because this is a purely hypothetical situation
134:00 - 134:30 how how do I want to say this well it's hypothetical so just say it right but I'm trying to figure out my words okay oh [ __ ] I lost it I'm so upset it was a really good point I can tell you as a man in that situation I wouldn't be able to stay through that right the the four years to cheat on somebody if especially if it's one one person you basically had a relationship with somebody else for 4 years I got it back okay hypothetically Susie cheated for four
134:30 - 135:00 years that's a madeup name not the chick's name how dare you continue to put the man that you cheated on him with above him as a priority in your life because you guys have a kid together hypothetically hypothetically this is all hypothetical just reminding I know it could be a totally different person you cheated with right that changes the
135:00 - 135:30 scenario this is like worst case scenario like holy [ __ ] right I would lose my damn mind and the and if that's the scenario where she cheated with the baby daddy and is still putting him as a priority over her man this man is still here mhm this man has not left yet which means he's trying to make this work obviously that was all hypothetical but the fact is that she did cheat for 4 years and she owns it yeah and he knows about it which means
135:30 - 136:00 they've obviously worked through it because it's been two years since that happened and they're still together and now they're running into a different set of problems and they're trying to make it work if you can make things work after four years of cheating all of this other [ __ ] just comes down to you figuring out how to communicate your problems and working through it because I promise you at this point he hasn't left he ain't [ __ ] going nowhere yeah and and men will men will suffer men that's why most divorces 70 to 80% of divorces are initiated by women because men will [ __ ] suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer because we've we've given our word we've made our vows
136:00 - 136:30 whatever the case may be we're not leaving we're going to try to make it work because that's what's expected of us right and you see it all the time but that also doesn't mean that there aren't pieces of [ __ ] of in out there so before you guys get in the comment you can go ahead and start hitting that backspace button now and delete all that [ __ ] you're about to say because it goes both ways when it comes to shitty people I I don't I don't think that he has any intention of leaving I think that he's definitely not putting the effort in that he could be putting in but I think that at this point he's probably questioning why should I right she's not home very much there's other issues at
136:30 - 137:00 play past trauma past whatever there needs to be a really long conversation here like and it needs to be a clear concise conversation you need to sit down and go okay I'm I'm obviously not home enough I'm getting behind I'm starting to get stressed I don't want to be that person I want to be a better person for you what do you need for me to make us go back to being in love and intimate and you to look at me like I'm the most attractive woman ever and all the nonsense that you guys need to have those conversations about so that you can can have that discussion right that
137:00 - 137:30 doing it during a check-in would be a smart thing to do you know you can have a lot of open um non-combative conversation at that point right especially if you're trying to get him to um open up about past trauma mhm there's a whole lot of trust and a whole lot of glue going on right now to to try to stick everything back together like you guys it sounds like they're on two different pages too now yeah like it sounds like they have
137:30 - 138:00 different expectations of a traditional marriage right it sounds like neither of them are really trying hard to upold their ends of the bargain because even though it's difficult and it'll be stressful it's possible it's possible it is completely doable so at this point in the email you guys had that back and forth for and then she was answering something that you've said so she goes on to say I just don't know how to approach things sometimes when wanting to talk about stuff I won't lie I can be very rude when I get
138:00 - 138:30 frustrated like when I feel like he hasn't understanding or feeling he or feel he isn't listening to me I'm not sure if I have ever asked him if he would like to change I guess I kind of just assumed he would problem I have a whole lot to say about that yeah one if you love someone it doesn't matter how frustrated you get with them why would you want to hurt them M why would you want to hurt their feelings because you're supposed to love that person you're married he's supposed to be your man there is no reason for you to ever talk down or shitty to him
138:30 - 139:00 no matter how mad you get if you start getting frustrated stop look at him and be like I love you I'm getting angry I just need a minute right you're going to reaffirm that you're you're going to acknowledge your anger you're going to reaffirm your love for your man and let him know that you are trying to be better that that simple sentence is going to change the argument and make it a conversation right because it's real easy to start getting frustrated and go you never do this and you're a piece of [ __ ] and I
139:00 - 139:30 can't believe you won't [ __ ] do the dishes while I'm gone and you start unloading all of your anger and frustration and it's things that you would have normally not said right because you're being emotional right now and you may truly feel that way but you can find a better way to word it to your partner that it's going to come across in a non-combative man Manner and he's going to want to start making changes to be a better man to make you happy right if he wants if he wants you to be who you were and you were a shitty person as you said I don't think that's what he wants he doesn't want you to be a shitty
139:30 - 140:00 person he wants the intimacy and the love that you had when you first started dating MH everyone wants that they they hope for that they think that because they've experienced that that one day they'll get that back again that takes work it takes a lot of work you know that that's it's not just a a you don't you know you can't just expect it right and we can say it's work because even on our worst days where we are going through it and we don't want to get out of bed and do anything we still make it a point to
140:00 - 140:30 say something cute to each other or be physical with each other like I rub your neck when you're sitting at the computer yep or you'll come into the kitchen and put your arms around my waist it's small things like that that keeps the intimacy alive and the days where you don't want to do it that's when you push yourself to do it because if you stop that one day you'll be like oh well I'll do it tomorrow right and then tomorrow becomes next Thursday and the next Thursday becomes a month right I also want to say so she said I just I guess I just kind of assumed that
140:30 - 141:00 he would that's how people set up expectations to fail yep you never assume somebody wants something you always ask and they will give you an answer either they're going to lie to you and their actions are going to prove that that's not what they want or they're just going to be straight up and say something that might hurt your feelings or it might validate your feelings feelings but either way you can't assume anything right like I don't want to change him completely and not all at once because I know things take time I'm also wondering
141:00 - 141:30 if what I did has a factor in some of the behavior he has yes such as shutting down and not wanting to talk I try my best to change the way I approach things and I try my best to keep my temper we both have a bad habit of talking over each other or cutting each other off guilty when you and I are having a discussion like you said it's very rare we have arguments we get into like heated discussions where we're not understanding each other when so I'm autistic I'm on the Spectrum
141:30 - 142:00 in normal conversations I have a hard time not cutting people off because I get so excited to say something like I have to make a conscious effort to be like okay wait for them to finish speaking and then it's your turn to talk Christina like that's that's literally what I have to do in normal conversations when we're in a heated discussion I can't keep that in check so I will interrupt you mistakenly and in those moments I need you to tell me when I do that right like you have to check me because I can't in those moments and
142:00 - 142:30 it is something I'm working on I'm trying to reel that in I want to be clear that we we even though we have a very good understanding of communication and I I believe we've got this [ __ ] figured out we work on this constantly there are constant things that like I'm okay I could be better in this area this is what I need to focus on right now sometimes it means reading a book sometimes it means going to YouTube sometimes it means actively being aware of what I'm doing when I'm doing it and stopping myself and apologizing and trying to break a habitual pattern right
142:30 - 143:00 that um that comment that she made that she wonders if this is a reaction to some of the things that I've done yeah he's not going to be vulnerable with you right and try to do those things because there has been hurt there and if he had a shitty childhood all of those shitty childhood triggers are now present in his relationship with the woman he's supposed to be in love with right that's a thing if you started telling me that I was stupid or that I was never going to amount to anything or that I was a fat piece of [ __ ] or whatever all of my past things are I'm going to look at you like
143:00 - 143:30 I've looked at everyone else in my life and I will never look at you the same way again because you are supposed to be my person you are supposed to be my wife the you know the woman that that God has put here for me and and we're supposed to have this functioning relationship and above all else you are supposed to be my support system we are supposed to serve each other and when I no longer trust in that support system that is the beginning of the end for everything mhm that's a big problem for me that is a really big problem and that's a me
143:30 - 144:00 thing obviously I'm not saying that that's a them thing that's a you thing right so I'm going to finish reading this and then I'm just going to hit like key points like wrapping up my thoughts on this thing because this is this is a very long podcast two hours and 22 minutes crazy she says I have self-esteem issues and I had some I had said something about fting over me when I have makeup on because that's the only time he doesn't do it and he said he doesn't like it when I wear makeup he thinks I look beautiful without it you said men prefer women in their natural
144:00 - 144:30 yeah okay and I'm going to touch on this because I understand women wear makeup for themselves it makes you feel better whatever we don't want it on our clothes we don't want it on our skin we don't want to smell it because believe it or not you can smell that [ __ ] right we don't want it on our lips if you kiss us like we don't want the [ __ ] glitter all over our face there's a whole lot of things that play into that like it when you put your makeup on yeah because it's showing me that you're taking an extra 15 minutes out of your day to try to make yourself feel better whether I I
144:30 - 145:00 mean I think that you're attractive with and without makeup I like when you do your makeup I like when you don't have your makeup on too to be fair it doesn't matter one way or the other to me but knowing that you took the extra 15 minutes to do that shows that you care about yourself today right I'm acknowledging that damn baby you look good today like you're trying to make yourself look more presentable for whatever the reason is right right I'm going to acknowledge that [ __ ] so I'm going to say something this is really stupid but I feel like it's a really good analogy okay I like mashed potatoes me too mashed potatoes I like you mashed
145:00 - 145:30 potatoes those those are bomb Oh my God that's a moment for me thank you like I take pride in my mashed potato recipe and the fact that you like it are you hungry do you want me to cook for you I like mashed potatoes mashed potatoes are great mashed potatoes are also really bomb when you add bacon and cheese to it right that's how I feel putting on my makeup like I'm good by myself but adding that bacon and cheese is like a whole another level I just I I don't know do that make
145:30 - 146:00 sense that stupides no it makes sense the point that I was trying to make though is if he doesn't like the makeup MH he needs to recognize that she's putting it on to try to feel better about herself remember earlier in the podcast when I said that not all communication is verbal and that you need to pay attention to what is not not being said in a conversation this is one of those things it goes a long way to just go okay she's having a bad self-esteem day I know because she just put an hour's worth of makeup on to to drive the kids
146:00 - 146:30 to school like there's no excuse me there's no reason for that right she's telling me she needs to be told she's attractive today so when she walks by and smack her ass and like damn baby you look great today like M it doesn't take much to just pay attention to your surround it's a situational awareness 101 like um and I guess maybe it's an emotional maturity because I'm I'm able to recognize that you need that validation when you're doing what you're doing because I'm paying attention to you
146:30 - 147:00 [Laughter] mhm okay so she says I said I understand that but when I wear makeup it helps me feel better about myself I have self-esteem I have self-esteem issues a lot but he seemed like he didn't care what I had to say and he wasn't willing to do it that just sounds selfish well it could also be the way the communication is happening that is true if you were coming at him and saying you never compliment me when I wear makeup of course he's not going to want to do it
147:00 - 147:30 you just came at him sideways and now he's defensive but if you said I feel better when I wear makeup it makes me feel like a more attractive woman because I have self-esteem issues and if you acknowledge that it would make me feel like a goddess right okay now we're having a whole different conversation and you saying why don't you ever tell me I look good with makeup on right because now I'm like damn she's right yeah and I'm not being attacked I'm not being emotional I don't feel like I'm the problem I feel like you're telling me that your needs aren't being
147:30 - 148:00 met and as a man that's what I want I want to meet my woman's needs so let's pay attention right now guys cuz that's what she needs right you know it's common sense [ __ ] that that it's not really common sense [ __ ] cuz if it was Common Sense everybody would have it that that was a Mis yeah I definitely misspoken that it's common sense to me because it's something that I know and understand and I've known and understand for a long time you also took the time to learn it right well understand I was forced to go to anger management classes and therapy court orders and all this nonsense so like I have years and Decades of all of this [ __ ] because I I
148:00 - 148:30 was forced to go through it when I was younger MH [ __ ] yay borderline when nobody knew what it was hooray stupid buttons I love it do you have another point to make nope okay this is going to be the last paragraph okay this is a very long paragraph okay another thing that's a very long pause I have to pre-read grammar I know
148:30 - 149:00 it's bad people get excited when they text I know I'm not trying to make her feel bad about her typing any either it's I should have proof read it another thing that just doesn't sit right with me is I don't feel safe like how a woman should feel I feel like if something was to happen I'm the one who would be doing something to defend no matter if it was physical or verbal I have had I have had to stand up for myself I never had anyone to do so
149:00 - 149:30 my parents wouldn't even stand up for me when I was a child so it has become a natural instinct for me to defend it to defend myself but I have always wanted someone to make me feel safe none of his friends like me and his dad hated me and still does to this day I feel he still doesn't stand up for me when I am not around and he has never had to stand up for me when I was okay so that that that's a whole lot of nope in my opinion if I felt like you would not defend me in a room full of people when I'm not
149:30 - 150:00 there what are we doing right can can we just clarify that you know me better than that I know I know right my manhood is being challenged just by hypothetically speaking that into existence I know you would never do that I want to clarify the fact that that he married you anyways knowing that his family doesn't like you and his friends doesn't like you says a lot lot right the fact that you feel the need to defend yourself constantly could be a you thing and not a him thing because people take things the way they take them your perception of of reality is your
150:00 - 150:30 reality if you don't feel safe in a situation it doesn't mean that you're not being defended because getting you out of a dangerous situation is the most effective way to keep you safe it is now if you need a brawler and you want a man who's willing to go to prison for you are you willing to do the time with that man where you are alone while he's in prison because he [ __ ] somebody up to try to keep you safe that's a question you got to ask yourself because that is a very legit question a very legit a lot of women will just ditch their man because he went out of his way to protect her been there I know how that works most women don't stay more than six months in a
150:30 - 151:00 relationship with an inmate backs I'd be at every conjugal visit yeah well that [ __ ] slows down too I would support you um the not feeling safe thing is a big problem for me yeah um that's a huge part of the Traditional Values thing I think that you guys need to sit down draw a list of expectations this is your job this is my job I think that I think he needs to to feel like he can talk to you without you freaking out on him and like treating him like [ __ ] and yelling at him and [ __ ] because like I promise
151:00 - 151:30 you if he's a passive person which you just said he was he's not going to be vulnerable and honest with you that falls right back to the initial five questions that I end asked at the end of the report card he's not going to feel safe he's not going to be able to feel like he can be vulnerable with you I promise you he's not being 100% transparent and honest with you because he's afraid of how you're going to react he's omitting that things because he does not feel safe right that that trust and and honesty and all of that that plays into those five five questions that I asked are huge you are going to have to find a way to diffuse yourself
151:30 - 152:00 and let him know that he can communicate with you without you flying off the [ __ ] handle and like truly receiving what he says if you guys cannot talk to each other and work out your [ __ ] so that you can have open clear receivable communication on both sides this is never going to get resolved right and it's not going to get resolved conflict I agree I was I was scanning it to see what else I can say because there's um is there more there is oh so I'm just going to go through this
152:00 - 152:30 and then we'll talk about it okay before you do that you know how I feel about gossip right right I I I hate it I I loathe gossip too and because of what we're doing and trying to help people I feel like I'm I'm being a a gossip and N like I I don't it's bothering me and I didn't realize like I told you the other day that I'm a hard time with all of this and I think it's because I feel like I am talking about other people's lives in a negative light and like we're we we are being given permission to rip apart situations to try to figure
152:30 - 153:00 out where the problem lies and how to make things better but I feel like I'm gossiping about people and and I hate it I I can understand why you feel that way like I can I see it the way that I'm viewing this is we are people's last Stitch effort yeah like they have [ __ ] wild they have thought about this they have probably gone to family members friends we have perspectives and knowledge that a lot of people don't right we took right we took
153:00 - 153:30 the time to learn all of that I don't see it as gossiping I see it as opening doors for people that they didn't even know existed I I don't like I know that there are people out there that know way more about all this [ __ ] than we do oh yeah definitely my mom my adopted mom tells me all the time that I'm able to talk to people and Reach people that I would not normally reach or other people wouldn't because of my delivery and the way that I talk she also told me the other day that I come across as very authorative and people don't like that which is why I'm getting the hate that I'm getting on Tik Tok but
153:30 - 154:00 I wonder if that also plays into the reason that people are asking us questions on this because they see that we have success and that we understand what's going on and because I don't sugarcoat things and you don't sugarcoat things like if we think something's wrong I'm going to tell you it's wrong you may not like me for it I could care less right but I'm going call an injustice when I see it which is all there is too that's who I am as a person but I do feel like I'm gossip being still either way they gossip to you they'll gossip about you I don't like that [ __ ] I mean if we were gossiping we would be taking these emails without permission and just that's true too we do [ __ ] on the whole situation
154:00 - 154:30 instead of trying to help you not wrong gossiping is like oh my god did you hear what Nancy did the other day that's what I feel like I'm doing though I can't believe he did that no girl give me the team like don't ever say that to me again don't worry I won't that was pure comic go right there I got nothing else [Music] so well I'll tell you okay so she said I know you're probably wondering why I married him with all these things
154:30 - 155:00 missing love I'll tell you why it's because we've grown together Advanced our life together in six years we have focused more on what we were on where we were going rather than our feelings in the process and I feel like we are going nowhere when it comes to making time for ourselves and fixing the emotional damage that we have created for each other so not love feels like they just I mean not feels it sounds like they neglected each other right that cuz originally when she was like why did I marry him I'm like
155:00 - 155:30 love because it's why you should be marrying your partner but explaining all of that it sounds more that they're trying to build a future together and they're working they're trying to work to do something and it doesn't sound like love to me right that's that sentence didn't I didn't mean I absolutely meant to interrupt you there because I [ __ ] did it but in six years we have eliminated a lot of goals that we had set for us and we have I'm just filling in words at this point and I hope I'm correct we had set for us and we have
155:30 - 156:00 accomplished a lot of them but we still fight about money and fight about our feelings but never really sat down to talk about a lot of them and when we do it always ends up in an argument a lot of the time I feel like I'm invalidating his feelings and he is doing the same to me and I feel a lot of things and I feel a lot of those things are contributing to his fight or flight response which is pretty much what I do all the time when something doesn't go my way or I get
156:00 - 156:30 frustrated okay so if you're recognizing that you're invalidating it feelings stop that she just basically read off everything that we were going to tell her to do right fight ORF flight is a problem it is a problem because if he's feeling that it means you're coming at him in a position where he is feeling vulnerable or uncomfortable or unsafe and you're making him feel that way right well you are presenting a situation that is allowing him to put himself to feel that way CU she can't make him feel anything that is true but
156:30 - 157:00 she's throwing things at him that is triggering those things to make him like respond the way that he's responding right cuz if if the conversation was had in a different manner in a non-combative scenario things would get resolved and if you're able to lay out goals and and res and solve those and like find ways to overcome struggle and become better you have the ability to fix this [ __ ] and I finances the money thing I don't give a [ __ ] who you are if you have money troubles everything else in your life is going to be stressful right because especially if you're the
157:00 - 157:30 provider if you feel like you're not doing your job as a provider or you're wondering about the mortgage payment or the car getting paid or a cell phone getting turned off or the power bill getting shut off there's a whole lot of stress that comes with all of that and a lot of other minor things are going to feel like a real big problem mhm which is why I push the personal Excellence so much I want people to succeed and do well well and the better you do financially or the the harder you work and the the more you're able to save and and retirement funds and and you're able to build that life for yourself your
157:30 - 158:00 stress level is going to deplete it will and then you're going to find other things to be stressed out over because we Thrive off of stress right so we do yeah you know stress is our new negative you know tigers are trying to eat us [ __ ] so we find new things to be negative about and pick it apart and we're more interested in negative things because it creates that same stress response in our brain that we were getting when we were running from lions and tigers so right 2 hours and 36 minutes wow y this is going to be a three-hour [ __ ] podcast I'm willing to bet most people
158:00 - 158:30 haven't listened this past this far and if they do it's like in segments like this will be a three-day of cardio for some some people yeah why don't we just divide it up and post it separate post it is one big thing and I hope people watch it because I feel like we there's value there's value here there's absolute value we still have two more emails to go over so we're going to have to take a break and eat and come back and do some smaller content so this is going to be like the last three sentences okay he has no children just the one we have now who is 5 months old so he never really had to deal with a newborn wait they have a newborn baby
158:30 - 159:00 right but they've been together for six years and she has a six-year-old so he how did that not be a thing they got together when she was pregnant with the other kid so even though it's not his kid he would still be involved in living that life with that child how did that not that doesn't am I not making sense no that's not that's not okay I'm I'm [ __ ] short circuiting like right how how did that plan out where he wasn't a part of that kid's life if you have a six-year-old and he's been helping you raise that six-year-old even if you cheated on him
159:00 - 159:30 for four years in the beginning I would assume that you guys were living together at that some at some point of that like you had to have had you can't be with somebody who has kids and not be a part of the kids it doesn't work that way so how how is that a thing right I am so [ __ ] lost right now me too okay they have a 5-month old together so now he is a dad right okay I find myself doing a lot of things alone I find myself doing a lot of the
159:30 - 160:00 things alone a lot of things in life okay so she feels like she's doing everything alone everything with the kids like all the life Duties are on her own cuz that sentence does not articulate properly for me I feel like the only thing that he does in our relationship is make money come home and do nothing I've had to have my stepdad change sounds like car maintenance I've
160:00 - 160:30 had to have my stepdad change oh my oil it says all okay oil multiple car mantenance yeah okay so stepdad stepping in with the vehicles cuz that art I would really appreciate if y'all proof read your email this is very hard for me not make us sound dumb when we read it's not just that it's just I go through multiple books a week I promise you I can read yeah like I listen to audible I listen to
160:30 - 161:00 [ __ ] I'm smart I'm just struggling so stepdad steps in on vehicles we've talked about that several times he agrees to change or try to do something better but never follows through it sounds excuse me that sounds like discipline not follow through so do you want the the quick premise of everything that I think needs to happen here for this to work yeah you say yours and I'll do mine
161:00 - 161:30 um they need to find out how to communicate with each other they need to be on the same page they needs to be non-combative communication preferably during a check-in right they need to take the time to stop and validate each other and empathize with what each other is going through they need to sit down and drop a contract of workloads and who's expected to do what yeah because you can't expect him to follow up on his workload if you're not doing yours you you can't throw shade at that point because you're both failing at the workload things are not getting done you're both [ __ ] up right you can't be mad that he's [ __ ] up if you're [ __ ] up like you guys need to work
161:30 - 162:00 together as a cohesive unit to make sure the house is functioning it doesn't matter if you've got the most amazing car in the world if you're putting shitty gas in it and there's no oil in the engine right so you need to maintain your vehicle so to speak and and that it's your relationship and maybe he doesn't know enough about car maintenance MH and he doesn't know how to do it and if that's the case then he needs to be taking the car somewhere to get that taken care of so that you're driving around in a safe vehicle with your baby right um they the clear defined expectation contract where you sit down and you draw up everything in the house that has to get done just put
162:00 - 162:30 it in one list one thing all the way down the page and then write your initial next to the things that you know you're capable of doing hand him the paper during a check-in and let him pick what he's comfortable doing and then whatever's left over you guys discuss whose job it's going to be to get these things done um hopefully the past trauma of cheating and all of that nonsense has already been resolved and that doesn't need to be discussed anymore assuming that you guys have moved past it's been two years since you cheated on him great you need to explain
162:30 - 163:00 to him that it is not okay for another person to talk poorly about you because as a man it is your duty to defend your woman and make sure that she is safe and allowing other people to verbally attack her or say foul things which is a verbal attack against somebody in some cases um and he needs to put a stop to that and the people in his life that do not respect that do not respect him enough to stop it he needs to remove them from their life it's as simple as that um the baby daddy that's in the picture
163:00 - 163:30 you need to shut that [ __ ] the [ __ ] down like if he's having a problem with it you need to respect your man and the fact that because basically you're saying you know he has a problem with what's going on with the baby daddy but you have a problem with the fact that he's doing the same thing with the parents you guys are are basic basically mirroring each other with negativity when you should be mirroring each other with love right and you're not going to get that until you figure out your [ __ ] and have a communication where you both understand what's going on validate each other empathize with
163:30 - 164:00 each other set a clear concise thing that you can call each other out on like hey this is your job you didn't do it because at that point when you know it's your job take the garbage out you can be like hey babe take trash out you're not nagging at that point it's your job you know it's your job so when she says that [ __ ] get up off the couch and take the garbage out right you have no no reason for things not getting done at that point because it's you know it's your duty a lot of this comes down to wanting to be better for each other and if you both want that the yelling and screaming at each other and degrading and talking [ __ ] will stop you'll work on the
164:00 - 164:30 communication so that you're able to to comprehend and understand each other um you will or will not Implement check-ins some people don't need that but you have the foundation and you have the accountability you know what you're doing is wrong you know that some of the things that he's doing is wrong I guarantee you he knows it too but because you're not willing to correct the things you're doing he's probably mirroring that right and somebody has to be the bigger person it may have to be you it may have to be him but if you want this to be resolved the bigger person has to happen
164:30 - 165:00 and people are like well I don't want to be the bigger person all the time so you'd rather live in misery and be unhappy then just correct the situation by being the bigger person that's that's asinine why the [ __ ] would you want to live in misery right be the bigger person every single time if that's what it takes to be happy because eventually he's going to realize that you're always being the bigger person and he's going to try to start being better and if he's not willing to reciprocate that and try to match your energy you know what's what that was it yeah what do you got I think those were all very valid points you actually touched on a couple of things that I was going to say so it
165:00 - 165:30 makes it a lot easier for me uh the first thing I would do is have that conversation about is it within the finances to be able to make that trip four times day I forgot about the gas thing yeah you need to be home every day as a stay-at-home wife as a stay home mom I make sure I am home every day to clean something right well that's the whole point of being staying at home right these 10 days out of the month is really tripping you up and you're seeing the
165:30 - 166:00 consequences of that the only way to correct that is to make that sacrifice that hour and a half additional sacrifice to make sure that your life is maintained at home is it going to suck driving 3 hours 5 days a week every other week yeah it is going to suck but those are opportunities for you to listen to an audio book listen to a therapist on YouTube learn how to communicate better pay attention to listen to our three-hour podcast
166:00 - 166:30 listen to our three-hour podcast that that's the first thing that I would take in consideration and do if the job thing is really such an issue that also needs to be discussed why is he jumping from job to job there's a reason people just don't quit a job after a year and go to a new one and then quit a job after you and go to a new one there's I think there's a whole lot of things that could be happening there if he's a passive person he could just be too afraid to stand up for himself and instead of standing up he's leaving could be cowardly but that you know that's
166:30 - 167:00 something that needs to be excuse me needs to be addressed yeah you know if you're if you're too afraid to stand up for yourself that's a problem in its own you're never going to you're never going to uh advance in life because you're not even willing to ask your worth at that point right we see it in our industry all the time there are artists that are divas that just up and leave because too big of a [ __ ] to say something about things that they're unhappy about it happens a lot it does with the low
167:00 - 167:30 self-esteem that's a you thing that is a me thing what I did with my slow self-esteem so I had to repair myself you can't rely on somebody else to build you back up when I got out of my last relationship I was single for a while before you and I got together I took lipstick and I wrote on my bathroom mirror you're gorgeous and I would say that out loud to myself every single day and it went from the point of me feeling
167:30 - 168:00 like the most disgusting creature to Grace this planet to okay I'm tolerable and then I went from I'm tolerable to like okay you know what I'm I'm kind of above average that might not be true I know that there's far more attractive women out there far more attractive than I am but in my mind I'm kind of of hot [ __ ] right that's not the case constantly I still have days where I'm like oh damn like my my shit's kind of low today but you have to build yourself up selft talk matters
168:00 - 168:30 right I constantly call myself on my self negative talk call me on it too I do call you on it like when we're especially when we're working out I'll be like come on you dumb [ __ ] you got this Y and be like o i shouldn't call myself [Music] that if he's not why are you laughing so glad people don't hear the [ __ ] that I say to myself when I I'm curious no no I won't even repeat that to you because I don't want to get lectured
168:30 - 169:00 okay I put myself in a very dark place when I lived I know you've told me I see it on your face sometimes I don't know what you're saying to yourself in your head but I can see it on your face if he doesn't want to go out of his way to validate you when you're feeling low your self-esteem like [ __ ] pick yourself up you you're a baddie tell yourself that constantly and I I didn't mean [ __ ] in a bad way I meant [ __ ] is like you got [ __ ] right
169:00 - 169:30 yeah sometimes people ain't [ __ ] the person you expect to be like your number one supporter and build you up isn't always going to be that person and with both of you going through that right now he might not want to go out of his way to build you up if you're not doing that for him let's see the last thing I'm going to say is earlier in this podcast you said you felt like we were gossiping mhm and I I'm going somewhere with this I promise
169:30 - 170:00 okay I said I get that and I repeat it back to you I I I can see how you feel like this is gossiping in that moment I validated your feeling even though I don't see it that way that is a one way to eliminate a lot of arguments if someone says something to you repeat it back to them and if what you said is not how they meant it they'll tell you they're going to correct themselves and get it to where you can understand right in situations where you feel like you're both getting heated and you're
170:00 - 170:30 getting frustrated and you want to start insulting him and yelling at him she even said she realized that she doesn't validate him you see the problem like you said earlier people have a problem with wanting to be the bigger person that that [ __ ] highkey makes me feel intelligent as [ __ ] if we're in an argument and like I can catch myself and I'm like oh I'm about to invalidate him I need to stop that and I catch it and it completely changes the way our conversation goes I'm like yeah that's right you [ __ ] you handle this in a
170:30 - 171:00 healthy way yeah that's not being a bigger person it's being intelligent why would you want to put yourself in a position where you're going to be unhappy for the rest of the night right and you making that one small change in an argument you can even say like hey I'm getting super frustrated and I want to start being mean to you I need to take a second right you just verbalize that you're getting ready to have a moment you want to insult him but you're making the conscious decision not to do that because you care about his feelings that's also how you break habits because you're correcting the problem in the moment yes it's huge I had a very long
171:00 - 171:30 period of time where I called myself Mommy because my kids call me Mommy so i' be like yeah Mommy's going to go do this in a week and a half I broke myself for that habit because every time I said give Mommy a minute I would stop myself and say I need a minute right you heard doing that MH it took me a week and a half to break that haben when you catch yourself in moments like that to change a behavior it will be a quick change if you stay on top of it final thoughts that I mean that we've
171:30 - 172:00 covered a lot that was a lot my my the only thing that I want to say that I didn't say at the beginning of this podcast is that if you found any value in what we've talked about today please share this podcast yeah send it to somebody that you love send it to a friend post it on social media I don't give a [ __ ] where it goes just share it our goal is to try to really start affecting change in people because we know that it's possible to make change yeah and if you want to be a better person which most people do sometimes you just need to hear something yeah and
172:00 - 172:30 sometimes the [ __ ] that we're talking about could be that one thing that somebody needs to hear to go oh [ __ ] I do that let me change that so if you get value from this just share it and I also want to say if something with in any of our videos triggers you ask yourself why ask yourself why I knew you were going to say that there's a reason right and that first step into digging into yourself as to why something triggers you is going to be a massive step in your own growth mhm I hope we triggered you yeah I want you
172:30 - 173:00 to grow as a person two hours and 50 minutes let's let's take a break and and eat and come back and do some emails okay I'm down for that have a good day guys