5 Questions that Expose a Man (Part 1)

Summary

In this insightful podcast, Mindful Muslimah shares her expertise on understanding men's true character in a relationship through strategic questioning. By distilling her extensive experience in marriage coaching, she presents five pivotal questions to help women uncover a man's core traits, emotional intelligence, and growth mindset. These questions are designed not to serve as a foolproof guide, but as a tool to reveal the deeper, often obscured aspects of a man's character that go beyond superficial checklists. Mindful Muslimah emphasizes personalized inquiry over generic questionnaires, encouraging women to consider their own non-negotiables and the trauma-informed motivations behind their questions. The podcast aims to equip listeners with tools to form more meaningful, informed connections while avoiding common pitfalls.

Highlights

• Mindful Muslimah introduces strategic questioning to unveil men’s true characters. 🎙️
• Emphasizes the importance of personalized, non-generic questions for meaningful insights. 🔍
• Encourages self-awareness about how personal trauma shapes the questions women ask. 💡
• Illustrates with real-life coaching scenarios why certain common questions fall short. 📚
• Provides examples of insightful questions that explore emotional intelligence. 💬

Key Takeaways

• Strategic questions can reveal a man's character quicker than months of casual conversation. 🤔
• Focus on how he responds to specific situations to gauge his long-term character. 🕵️
• Generic questions won't cut it; tailor them to your needs for deeper insights. 🎯
• Include elements of emotional intelligence and growth mindset in your inquiries. 🌱
• Observe how trauma might influence your question-asking strategy. 💭

Overview

Mindful Muslimah challenges the traditional approach of using generic questions when getting to know a potential partner. In her experience, asking specific strategic questions can unveil a man's true character more effectively, offering insights into his emotional intelligence, growth mindset, and potential as a long-term partner.

She illustrates the inadequacy of common questions by recounting real coaching stories, showing how they often miss the mark. Instead, she advises engaging with open-ended questions that prompt storytelling, enabling women to discern deeper truths about a man's character and how he handles situations.

The podcast also tackles the influence of personal trauma on question choice, urging listeners to self-reflect and refine their inquiry methods. By adopting a more tailored questioning strategy, women can better identify suitable partners, crafting a path towards more authentic and fulfilling relationships.

Chapters

• 00:00 - 00:30: Introduction to Exposing Questions In the chapter titled 'Introduction to Exposing Questions,' the author suggests that asking key strategic questions can reveal a man's true character more effectively than prolonged conversations. Drawing on insights from studying numerous marriages and coaching experiences, the author has identified specific conversational patterns that can reveal significant traits in a relationship's early stages. They argue that many women focus on the wrong aspects when getting to know a potential partner. Instead of emphasizing factors like religiosity, family background, or social presentation, the chapter emphasizes the importance of observing how a man responds to particular situations, as these responses are predictive of his long-term character.
• 00:30 - 01:00: Identifying Important Traits In the chapter titled 'Identifying Important Traits', the discussion revolves around the challenges of determining important characteristics in a potential spouse. The focus is on enhancing emotional intelligence and adopting a growth mindset to aid in this process. The chapter suggests that understanding these traits is often difficult unless one is asking the right questions. It promises to provide several pivotal questions that can help listeners avoid investing time and emotions into unsuitable partners by identifying red flags early on.
• 01:00 - 01:30: The Process of Crafting Questions This chapter focuses on the art of crafting precise and effective questions that can help uncover a person's true character, values, and suitability for marriage. It promises to enhance the listener's experience in their personal and social exploration. The chapter is part of the 'Mindful Muslim Speaks Podcast,' hosted by Mindful Musima, a seasoned educator with over 25 years of experience supporting Muslim women globally.
• 01:30 - 02:00: The Importance of Non-Negotiables This chapter introduces the concept of "Non-Negotiables" which are crucial standards or principles that one refuses to compromise on, particularly in relationships, life balance, and personal growth. The speaker is enthusiastic about offering solutions to common challenges in these areas. It emphasizes the importance of personalized questions over generic ones, particularly when offering advice to women. The speaker intends to provide more targeted and relevant solutions instead of relying on standard questionnaires or generalized advice.
• 02:00 - 02:30: Mistakes in Questioning In the chapter titled 'Mistakes in Questioning', the focus is on the importance of tailoring questions to fit individual needs rather than relying on generic queries. It emphasizes the process of crafting a personalized master list of questions through multiple sessions, highlighting that effective questioning is a detailed and personalized effort, rather than a one-size-fits-all approach. The chapter also stresses that while there are no universal set of 'five questions' that work for everyone, these personalized questions can significantly improve the outcomes of what you are trying to achieve.
• 02:30 - 03:00: Crafting Effective Questions The chapter focuses on the importance of crafting effective questions and provides insight into why some questions may not be as impactful. It emphasizes the benefit of having a set of powerful, ready-to-use questions aimed at gauging emotional intelligence and growth mindset. However, it cautions against relying solely on these questions, urging readers to seek a comprehensive understanding beyond just these examples.
• 03:00 - 03:30: Observing Behavior and Emotional Intelligence The chapter 'Observing Behavior and Emotional Intelligence' focuses on understanding what women look for in a partner by identifying non-negotiables or essential traits. The discussion involves breaking down the meanings behind these non-negotiables, such as wanting a partner who wants to be a father, and challenging initial assumptions. The narrator shares experiences of working with women to clarify and sometimes redefine their expectations through detailed sessions. The conversation emphasizes the importance of truly understanding one's desires in potential partners and how emotional intelligence plays a role in these observations.
• 03:30 - 04:00: Growth Mindset and Adapting Questions This chapter delves into the importance of asking the right questions to uncover deeper insights. The narrator describes a conversation with a woman who is skeptical about a man's desire to be a father. She initially asks men how many kids they want, interpreting a desire for many children as a potential red flag of being treated as merely a 'baby maker.' This reveals her underlying concerns about genuine partnership and shared responsibilities in parenting. The discussion highlights how the phrasing of questions can significantly influence the interpretation and outcomes of conversations, suggesting a mindset that focuses on growth and understanding in relationships.
• 04:00 - 04:30: Discussing Typical Life Scenarios The chapter titled 'Discussing Typical Life Scenarios' explores interpersonal dynamics and communication within relationships, particularly focusing on understanding intentions and expectations regarding family planning. It begins with an individual questioning how to interpret their partner's views and intentions regarding children. This person questions whether a partner's desire to have a specific number of children reflects their suitability as a parent. The conversation suggests delving deeper by asking follow-up questions about preferred parenting styles and values, indicating an attempt to gauge the potential quality of fatherhood beyond just numbers. The dialogue captures how individuals navigate relationship expectations and communication to align parental goals and commitment levels.
• 04:30 - 05:00: Avoiding Generic Questions This chapter explores the concept of avoiding generic questions in conversations, particularly in the context of assessing someone's character. The dialogue reveals a tactic used by a woman who asks generic questions to see if men might lie about fatherhood. Instead of asking directly about their paternal skills, she asks around it to gauge their true perspectives. The conversation shifts as one person questions the intent behind these questions, suggesting it might not merely be about assessing fatherhood, but perhaps underlying concerns about partnership responsibilities.
• 05:00 - 05:30: Looking for Honesty and Workshop Introduction The speaker discusses a conversation where a woman was indirectly asking about the speaker's desire to have children. The speaker appreciates her intelligence and strategic approach but suggests that her behavior is influenced by past trauma. The speaker empathizes with women who have had bad experiences with their fathers and how those experiences affect their views and relationships.
• 05:30 - 06:00: Closing and Upcoming Workshop Details The chapter discusses recognizing patterns in family dynamics that influence the search for a spouse. It emphasizes the importance of understanding and defining non-negotiables beyond superficial traits. Participants are encouraged to delve deeper into the meanings behind these traits, such as defining what being 'religious' truly means in daily life.

5 Questions that Expose a Man (Part 1) Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 what if I told you that just five strategic questions could reveal a guy in his whole character more than a month of talking to him after studying hundreds of marriages and helping thousands in coaching I've identified specific conversations and patterns that expose very quickly traits early in a relationship but here's what most women completely Miss in getting to know potential spouse the Hal it's not about his religiosity checklist family background how he talks to you how he presents himself it's not it's about uncovering how he responds to specific situations that predict his long-term
• 00:30 - 01:00 character as a husband and I'm going to throw in there some emotional intelligence some growth mindset because I know yall are wondering how do you determine that stuff it is so hard and it is unless you have the right questions I'm going to give you a couple of them today if you listen to this podcast you're definitely going to get some that you're like what why did I not think of that remember that disappointment you feel when you've just invested so much time and emotion into someone only to find out they're not marriage material well these five questions are going to help you identify those as well as red flags saving your
• 01:00 - 01:30 time and dignity in the next few minutes I'll share the exact wording of these questions and explain precisely how to use them and why they're going to work and revealing how a man's character really is his values is rightness for marriage and more no more shocking surprises you're going to have a better experience in Sp seeking starting today welcome to the mindful musim speaks podcast a safe space to learn and grow into the best version of yourself that you're always meant to be I'm your host mindful musima mom of five big sister to the community and a licensed educator with 25 plus years and supporting tens of thousands of Muslim women worldwide
• 01:30 - 02:00 now I'm excited to share a ton of solutions to your problems on love relationships life balance reconnecting with a lenda with the is getting back on track and more so grab a cup of coffee and close out those tabs these next 20 to 30 minutes are all about you let's get started all right so we're going to dive right into the five questions but let me say this when I work with women I don't give generic questions I am cringing I am crying when people are downloading random basic questionnaire of a 100
• 02:00 - 02:30 questions to ask somebody that is so wrong we get down to the nitty-gritty of exactly what you want what you're looking for and trying to do and I do it over a matter of sessions where by the end you end with this master list that is crafted for you that's my traditional way of doing this so I don't have generic five questions these are it AIS like this is not a Hocus Pocus kind of thing so I just want to be really clear about that right off the bat so these five are not generic make or break that you're going to just ask these however these are going to give you a really
• 02:30 - 03:00 good idea really quick of that your questions that you're asking might not be that good and I'm going to explain why and these are a couple that you can use you could totally put them in your pocket and they are very powerful for figureing out emotional intelligence and growth mindset and a couple more but they are not the entire package I would not use these alone and just use it to determine but these are going to give you like I said an idea of a really way higher caliber that you should be asking and two definitely answers on those things I would just say don't leave it
• 03:00 - 03:30 there find out more after that all right that was my disclaimer just going forward all right so let's talk about it so when women are asking questions first of all you have to come up with your non-negotiables like I said I take weeks going on these with women I usually do them in sessions where we hash it out and it gets it gets crazy they don't realize that what they wanted is actually not that so for example I had this sister and I said what's one of your non-negotiables and she's like I want a guy that wants to be a father and and then I said well what does that mean
• 03:30 - 04:00 she's like you know he wants to be a dad like he like goes so like just wants to have kids no no no no I want him to actually be a dad and I was like what does that mean she's like well and I said wait wait before I say that what question are you asking guys to figure out if he wants to be a dad then she was like well I ask him how many kids do you want and then if he says like 10 I know he's gonna like just think I'm a baby maker and totally take advantage of me and I was like wait a minute that took a turn where did that come from baby maker
• 04:00 - 04:30 I'm already sensing there's some type of experience that we're having of some sort and I was like okay so how do you figure out if he doesn't think you're a baby maker like if he says two kids and she's like well I mean that sounds more normal and reasonable and I was like okay but wait a minute how is this telling you the quality of his fatherhood numbers of kids is this really what you're asking she's like well I'll ask some follow-up questions I'm like okay do tell what are you asking then she's like well I might ask you know things about the kids how are
• 04:30 - 05:00 you going to spend time with the kids and I was like sis can we pause this right now what do you really want to know what do you looking for what are you trying to uncover she's like well I ask these questions as a trick because I figure out guys are going to lie to me so if they're going to lie to me they're not going to answer me straight out if they're a good father so I'm just going to have to beat around to it and find out like what are their real ideas of fatherhood I was like can I ask you a question I don't feel this is about fatherhood what is this really about and I said are you worried about him making can you do everything and not being
• 05:00 - 05:30 present then she's like yeah that's what it is and I said okay but how is that question how many kids you would to have going to do that for you then she's like do you understand she knew that question wasn't the question but she was trying to be strategic which I appreciate cuz she's very very smart she's a great woman but she was doing that but I sensed it came from trauma so let me say something to you ladies who have bad experiences with fathers and the way they treat your mothers and all other
• 05:30 - 06:00 types of things that we have seen in our families they show up in your spouse seeking search so this is important first thing I want to say is your non-negotiables can't just be like I want them to pray be a nonsmoker like those are great those are beginning tactics but then we start to go deeper and usually in sessions I will make women break down what's the real reason what does that really look like I want him to be uh religious what does religious mean what does that mean he just prays five times a day and eats the and that's it no it means more what does
• 06:00 - 06:30 it mean you have to ask let me tell you why if you don't ask and then later on you find out he's not what you wanted guess whose fault it is I'm just going to be fair I know I sound tough in these podcasts more than usual you guys are not used to this side of me this is my coaching side this is the side that gets results we got to push through What's blocking you and at the end of the day we need to stop pretending the stuff isn't happening what's the real thing you're trying to get out what are you really afraid of I'm afraid I'm going to end up like my mom and I'm going to be
• 06:30 - 07:00 stuck doing everything while my dad doesn't help at all goes home plays on his phone goes into his office never home out with the guys and I have a miserable life and I'm stuck so that trauma is going to make you ask the wrong questions and a lot of you were doing that because I talked to a lot of you in coaching calls all right that being said so I say non-negotiables but the non-negotiables here are really supposed to focus more towards personal traits your life together in the future being honest and specific okay so let me give you an idea of a couple questions I'm going to pull some up here that we
• 07:00 - 07:30 do with women I'm not going to give you all all right so as you're looking for guys you want questions that are going to be open-ended not yes or no and that are going to force them to talk about a story a time a scenario that is going to give you a window into his life and how he handled that moment and it's and you're not going to have to worry about if he's lying or not let me tell you why because we've crafted these and these are just a couple of our Master ones we've crafted these in such a way where you like you can't make these stories up on the Fly and if you were trying to
• 07:30 - 08:00 like you were do you know what I'm saying so if the questions are good enough they do that in themselves let me give you one right here let's talk about emotional intelligence right can he regulate his emotions or does he just shut down and overreact isn't that something woman needs to know because obviously you're going to have to deal with him how does he validate feelings or dismiss them AKA your feelings right how does he react to stress because a lot of men get stressed over work bring it home and detach from their wife and ignore her we don't want that to happen
• 08:00 - 08:30 so here are some things we might be wondering okay so let's look at a couple questions how do you react to stress okay when you're under a lot of pressure what helps you stay grounded can you describe a time when you handled a stressful situation well or you could say another time when you handled it unwell if you're asking him to share a time when he's going to open up with a story now in that story this is where you're going to get smart it's not just the questions guys it's what you're looking for while he's talking you're looking for emotional intelligence in his story you're saying how responsive
• 08:30 - 09:00 is he to the other person like let's say he starts telling a story and then it's all about how the other person stressed him out and it's not right and they should have consider and you're like wait a minute is that the way he's going to talk to me is that the way he sees their problem cuz I see their problem a little differently and you're going to start to put yourself in the shoes of the other person on the other side that he's dealing with and say wow this is what it's like to be with him so you didn't ask him something about you and him do you get how that works you ask him about somebody else who made him upset and therefore it's going to let
• 09:00 - 09:30 you see a window into how he's going to treat you when he's upset with you now he's going to be more honest about somebody else because he knows you don't know them and he's going to think what do you care but what you're doing is thinking hm okay that's how you deal with people like that and that's how you see them if that's their problem so that's a cute little window right there let's do another one it's also really important that you don't ask him if he ever gets mad or angry like these are just silly we're all human right so let's assume he's a guy that gets upset let's assume because he should be a guy
• 09:30 - 10:00 that gets upset because he's a human right okay so the question would go like this you want to know if he overreacts to stuff or he shuts down and doesn't like you know whatever so tell me about the last time you felt really frustrated or upset what did you do in that moment and how did you handle it afterwards ooh because sometimes in the moment people say the wrong things they hurt people and afterwards cuz they're reflecting because they have emotional intelligence they change the way they are they might have to come
• 10:00 - 10:30 and they might have to say sorry or they might have realized so you're going to watch what he does with that question does he just have something and how did he react to that person so you're looking for how he handles that person do you get me that I'm telling you these are the types of way you need to to craft your questions we just give these to you when I work with you but I do also help you craft your own based on your own but this is the stuff you need to do so when you're listening to him
• 10:30 - 11:00 about how he deals with the person and he's a frustrated and upset with them you're just like hm did he even handle it right in the first place and even if he handle it wrong you're looking in the reflective part to go is he the kind of person that says sorry is he the kind of person that realized it was him and not them or does he like handle it appropriately because he goes through that scenario it gives you so much Rich information about his thought process with women or with others in general all
• 11:00 - 11:30 right I'll give you a couple more growth mindset I know you guys love this one and you could do like you know really basic questions but let me give you a juicy one okay tell me about a time when something didn't go as planned now mind you when you say these questions don't say them like I say them do them like way more casual I'm just talking to you like the way I talk but you you could talk less weird right like this is works for our scenario but we TR be like oh tell me about a time that you be more casual right tell me about a time when something didn't go as planned whether it was work life relationships whatever how did you respond and what did you
• 11:30 - 12:00 learn from it now the reason you want to know is because again it's not just the question you're like is this guy able to look at a situation and grow from it and mind you even if he did make it up it you could if you know how to read bodies like for example we have a course called the Muslim marriage lab and we teach women how to find like compatible spouses by the the process of you and you you and him you you and the family and then the actual you know process of like meah and pictures and apps and
• 12:00 - 12:30 stuff like we we go through all the details it's a full-on course and so in it I have a book that I give for free and inside the book is how to read body language and it was written by this I think it was like the CIA like the FBI if you're an America you know what that is and so are like what is that is that in the Europe said kid you be so anyway at the end of the day it's like one of those things where you learn how to read body language so I teach you how to do that because I think that's a valuable skill I'm sorry to say so anyway so you start to watch him and you're like ooh is he telling that story right you know what I mean like and you could pick up
• 12:30 - 13:00 on his awkwardness if he is lying so we're not looking for liars let's just enough with the trauma for a minute let's just get to how's he going to respond learn from it you could see right there how he's talking to people does he avoid tough conversations I don't know let's going on with that so let's find out can you think of a time where you had to have a difficult conversation with somebody and how did you approach it and what was the outcome so you're like let's not pretend you don't have difficult conversations let's talk about one you just had with somebody else again somebody else somebody else I see most of you guys going into like courting or whatever you
• 13:00 - 13:30 want to call it interviewing there's no like real Terminus them and it's just a lot of like if we were married what would you do what's your idea about like okay those are good sometimes but sometimes you got to hear him talking about somebody else which is also why side note I see a lot of you not spending enough time engaging with him and his family observing them and see how he deals with them on good days on bad days I mean I know women that they get married really really fast without asking major major major questions and so these things are really really
• 13:30 - 14:00 important I'm going to give you one last one I really like typical life day in your life cuz like I feel like you wouldn't know for example if you asked me like what's a typical day in your life and I told you you would know from sun up to sun down how I spent my day I think it's nice and important to know cuz I think that says a lot about the way people live their life or maybe if it was like the way you do it now how would you do it together would you do it day differently anyway so let's do one of those let's do one of those Day in the Life what does the typical day in your life look like how do you balance work family and personal time cuz most
• 14:00 - 14:30 guys struggle women struggle right we all struggle so just him exploring right there it opens a door and then in that door as he says things you can ask him for like oh tell me more about that I want to hear about that that's like gets him to talk more or oh what about like so when he hits you like oh then I come from work and I usually go to the gym oh tell me more about the gym like do you like Do You Love Fitness like so it'll go into other things don't tangent too far but the point is it's going to give you a really good synapsis of what it's like to live with him and what he lives
• 14:30 - 15:00 like now cuz he might not be able to transition to to your way right away so it's just another thing to see if you have lifestyle alignment so these are just a couple questions guys of many questions and what I would say is stay away from those lists of generic questions online instead breaking down what you're really looking for and what question would really reveal that and mind you it's not going to be one question we have a strategy where we have like a one in some I can't go into it now but anyway so that is the the big
• 15:00 - 15:30 thing and then also think about the fact that sometimes you have to look for certain things as they answer other questions so for example honesty honesty it's a non-negotiable well you're going to have to look for honesty over multiple conversations and multiple questions it's not something that you're going to get from one question so don't think there's a secret honesty question right and then there's also other elements which is like if you yourself understand how to look for the answers but you know that's what we specialize in I just want to open the door today to you to say one please get better
• 15:30 - 16:00 questions number two please make sure you're looking for things within the questions and three that you know how to do all that and if you don't that's what we do with women cuz if all that sounds overwhelming it's not it's actually super simple we actually have like even a little blueprint we give you everything about how to do it and I talk to you about there's so many things there's so many things we could do together but we're about to have an interview Workshop in shal depends on when you see this either it's on you're getting on the wait list or you're getting in the registration I am so excited to show this stuff I'm going to
• 16:00 - 16:30 actually model it I'm going to actually I think have a mock guy there that I I do it with it's not going to be a guy just FYI because that would be weird but I'm going to do it in a way that you guys are going get to see like a full on conversation and in you are going to know exactly how to handle it and so you are no longer to feel awkward weird not sure what to ask not sure what to say totally confident talking to guys about things like this because you're going to see it done get master advice and master questions and so definitely make sure you get the link you get on that we're
• 16:30 - 17:00 going to limit the seats because I want to make sure it's a quality experience and in I cannot wait to see you in there and in the next podcast [Music] [Music]