Exploring Emotional Neglect and Relationship Maintenance

EMOTIONAL Neglect and Dealing With a LAZY Partner with Kendall Ficklin @kendallficklin

Estimated read time: 1:20

Summary

In this enlightening episode of Hard Initiated, hosts Tyshawn Jackson and Ryan welcome Kendall Ficklin, aka Coach K, for his third appearance on the show. The conversation revolves around the intricate dynamics of emotional neglect and dealing with a lazy partner in relationships. Kendall shares insights on maintaining healthy long-term relationships through effective communication, emotional intelligence, and personal growth. He emphasizes the importance of regular relationship check-ins, or "sync meetings," to bridge gaps and stay connected with partners. The dialogue is rich with practical advice, personal anecdotes, and engaging discussions that aim to help listeners improve their relationship dynamics.

Highlights

Coach K emphasizes the different stages of a man's life and how it impacts love and attention in a relationship. 📚
The importance of a 'sync meeting' discussed as essential for relationship maintenance. 🗓️
Kendall uses a personal anecdote to explain the 'Catch and Release' communication method. 🎣
Emotional neglect is highlighted as a subtle but harmful influence in relationships that needs addressing. 🚨
Kendall discusses the challenge of connecting emotionally and the male tendency to equate love with material provision. 💼
The role of honest and open communication in maintaining relationship health is stressed. 💬
Insight into how societal and personal upbringing can shape relationship expectations and behaviors. 🧩
The idea that personal work and therapy can precede and succeed improvement in relational dynamics. 🩺

Key Takeaways

Identify the five stages in a man's life and understand the mature 'agape' love is about giving love regardless of receiving it. 🧠
Regular 'sync meetings' in a relationship can help partners stay connected and address issues before they become major problems. 🔄
Understand that personal growth is key. Individual problems often manifest as relationship issues. 🌱
Communication is crucial. 'Catch and release' technique can help partners share feelings without interruptions, fostering better understanding. 🎙️
Neglect isn't just an absence of action, it can be a form of emotional abuse within relationships. 🛑
For a relationship to work, both partners need to be actively involved. It's a two-way street. 🚦
Separating personal issues from relationship issues can aid in personal and relationship growth. 🔍
Having open discussions about relationships and individual expectations can prevent misunderstandings and strengthen bonds. 🤝

Overview

Relationships are complex, and understanding the stages of life can offer valuable insights. Coach K highlights five stages in a man's life, emphasizing that a mature man gives love unconditionally. The podcast delves into how these stages affect relationships and why understanding them can bridge gaps between partners.

In a groundbreaking discussion, the hosts emphasize regular 'sync meetings' as a tool for relationship maintenance. These meetings are intended to keep both partners on the same page, addressing needs and expectations that might have changed over time. Communication is key, and Kendall introduces the 'Catch and Release' method to facilitate uninterrupted dialogue.

Emotional neglect is subtly addressed, with Kendall pointing out that it can be a form of abuse if left unchecked. He stresses that for any relationship to thrive, both parties must be actively engaged and willing to work on both personal and shared goals. The conversation closes with a powerful reminder: individual growth often preludes resolution of relational issues.

Chapters

00:00 - 00:30: The Five Stages of a Man's Life The chapter discusses the five stages of a man's life: 1) As a baby, seeking attention and love. 2) As a youth, craving attention and love. 3) As a male, exhibiting behaviors to gain attention and love. 4) As a grown man, giving attention and love based on what he receives. 5) The Agape level, which is not fully detailed.
00:30 - 01:30: Introduction to Hardly Initiated The chapter introduces the podcast 'Hardly Initiated', featuring hosts Tyshawn Jackson and co-host Ryan. The episode begins with a statement on the nature of a mature man giving attention and love unconditionally. This episode is notable for featuring a recurring guest for the third time, marking a record for the show. The introduction is interspersed with music, adding to the engaging atmosphere of the podcast.
01:30 - 02:30: Coach Kendall Ficklin's Return to the Show In this chapter titled 'Coach Kendall Ficklin's Return to the Show,' the hosts express their honor and pleasure at having Coach Kendall Ficklin return to their set. He has been a recurring guest, having appeared in all their previous set designs. The hosts appreciate his dynamic roles as a father, husband, and coach in various aspects of life, including business and relationships, and acknowledge him as a true Renaissance Man.
02:30 - 03:30: Trust and Character in Relationships Chapter 1: Trust and Character in Relationships - This chapter features a discussion with Coach K Kendall Ficklin on the importance of trust and character in relationships. It highlights his return to the podcast 'Harley Initiated,' marking his third appearance. Coach K expresses admiration for the evolving quality and success of the show, emphasizing the concept of applying learned frameworks to personal and professional growth. The conversation explores trust-building and character development as foundational elements in sustaining healthy relationships.
03:30 - 04:30: Maintaining Relationships and Weekly Sync Meetings In this chapter titled 'Maintaining Relationships and Weekly Sync Meetings,' the speakers reflect on the growth and maturation of their team over the past one and a half to two years. They express gratitude towards a colleague or partner for their trust and support from the beginning, even when they were inexperienced ('some Knuckleheads'). They acknowledge that this trust was crucial for their development and shaped them into what they are today. Despite initial rejections from potential guests, this trust and perseverance have been fundamental to their progress.
04:30 - 05:30: Importance of Communication in Relationships This chapter emphasizes the significance of communication in relationships, focusing on trust and character. The speaker highlights how trust is not solely based on numbers but instead on good character and integrity. They exemplify this by mentioning how their mutual understanding and previously established trust ensure reliability and support, as long as personal boundaries, such as not working on Sundays, are respected. The importance of clear communication and mutual comprehension in maintaining strong relationships is underscored.
05:30 - 06:30: Defining Maintenance in Relationships The chapter discusses the importance and challenges of maintaining relationships. The host mentions starting a YouTube membership to connect with the audience and offer support. Through conversations with numerous members, both women and men, it becomes apparent that many individuals seek guidance on sustaining their relationships, particularly those in long-term commitments.
06:30 - 07:30: Organic Weekly Meetings in Relationships This chapter discusses the challenges of maintaining healthy long-term relationships, spanning from 5 to 20 years or more. It acknowledges the limitations of providing counseling for such established couples, and emphasizes the goal of the discussion: to educate and assist individuals in sustaining healthy relationships. A focal point is defining what 'maintain' specifically means within the context of long-term relationship dynamics.
07:30 - 08:30: Avoiding the Checklist Mentality in Relationships The chapter discusses the importance of maintaining personal satisfaction and fulfillment in relationships while committing to monogamy. It emphasizes the need for mutual love and appreciation between partners. The conversation briefly touches on personal grooming habits, using the frequency of haircuts and shaves as an analogy for regular maintenance in a relationship.
08:30 - 09:30: Communication Challenges and Solutions The chapter 'Communication Challenges and Solutions' explores the metaphorical comparison between grooming habits and relationship maintenance. It highlights the importance of regular communication in relationships, likening it to 'sync meetings' that business partners have weekly. The transcript advises couples to engage in weekly check-ins to ensure alignment and to present themselves well as a unit, similar to the way individuals groom themselves regularly to be presentable.
09:30 - 10:30: The Catch and Release Communication Technique The chapter, "The Catch and Release Communication Technique," explores the challenges couples face when their interpretations of relationship maintenance differ. For some men, maintenance might mean more physical intimacy, while for women like wives, it may require spending more quality time. The chapter highlights a real-life scenario where couples in the Dominican Republic are asked to rate their relationship maintenance needs on a scale from one to three, showcasing the varied expectations and the need for effective communication between partners to bridge these gaps.
10:30 - 11:30: The Importance of Connection in Relationships The chapter delves into the significance of connection within relationships, emphasizing how partners might perceive their level of connectivity differently. It uses an example where one partner rated their connection as a three, whereas the other rated it one, highlighting a disconnect that wasn't initially apparent to one of them. The central theme revolves around effective communication, stressing the importance of truly receiving and understanding what the other partner communicates.
11:30 - 12:30: Intimacy and Love in Relationships The chapter "Intimacy and Love in Relationships" emphasizes the importance of regular communication and connection to ensure both partners are aligned. It reflects on how desires and expectations in a relationship may have evolved over years and stresses the need for conversations to address changing needs, using a personal anecdote where one partner expresses a need for more intimacy.
12:30 - 13:30: Stages of Manhood and Mature Love This chapter delves into the evolving dynamics and understanding of mature love and manhood. The speaker reflects on how they struggled to comprehend these concepts initially, needing tangible demonstrations to grasp their meaning. They recount a discussion with a partner who pointed out changes in their behavior, such as not holding hands, failing to communicate while traveling, and neglecting to spend intimate time together or share interests like watching favorite TV shows. The chapter highlights the importance of maintaining connection and understanding in a mature relationship.
13:30 - 14:30: Dealing with Relationship Disconnects The chapter delves into the issue of feeling disconnected in relationships due to a lack of communication. In a conversation, one partner expresses surprise upon realizing the other partner feels a lack of intimacy despite their daily interactions. The realization highlights the importance of open communication and how failing to talk about feelings can create a gap in the relationship. The discussion emphasizes the need for partners to express feelings and thoughts to prevent misunderstandings and ensure intimacy and connection.
14:30 - 15:30: Communicating Needs and Understanding Gaps The chapter titled 'Communicating Needs and Understanding Gaps' discusses the importance of addressing gaps in communication. It uses the metaphor of the 'Gap' to highlight areas where misunderstandings and problems can occur in relationships. For instance, it mentions how delays in communication ('from the time someone is supposed to speak to when they actually do') can lead to issues such as divorce or infidelity by allowing misunderstandings to fester. The key takeaway is that closing these communication gaps should be a top priority for couples in order to maintain a healthy relationship.
15:30 - 16:30: Handling Neglect and Incentivizing Change The chapter discusses the importance of establishing mutual understanding and a clear maintenance plan in relationships. It emphasizes starting with identifying what maintenance means individually for both parties involved and ensures alignment on these definitions. The conversation moves towards practical steps for maintaining this alignment, such as setting up regular sync meetings. It highlights the need for providing specific guidance on questions to ask during these meetings to facilitate productive communication and clarity, addressing the concern that people often don't know how to effectively communicate to achieve these objectives.
16:30 - 17:30: Creating Separation to Gain Attention The chapter discusses the importance of creating intentional separation in a relationship to gain attention and enhance connection. Rather than having formal weekly meetings with agendas, the speaker emphasizes the significance of setting aside specific, uninterrupted time to focus solely on the relationship. For example, every Friday morning is dedicated to having coffee together, during which phones and distractions are put away. The focus is on discussing the relationship, understanding each other's needs, identifying any gaps, and ensuring they are connected. This deliberate separation from everyday distractions helps both parties assess their connection and make necessary adjustments.
17:30 - 18:30: Withholding and Emotional Impact The chapter discusses the importance of communication and setting an agenda in relationships, particularly when discussing sensitive topics like finances and intimacy. The speaker advises against being confrontational or aggressive when addressing issues like sexual intimacy. Instead, they recommend starting with a question about what your partner needs and fulfilling those needs as a way to ensure reciprocity. The focus is on fostering organic, respectful conversations that prioritize understanding and mutual satisfaction.
18:30 - 19:30: Emotional Neglect as Abuse The speaker recounts a humorous past experience where they tried to apply a work strategy to their personal relationship. Specifically, they used a meeting agenda to initiate discussions on their relationship’s status, which was met with dissatisfaction from their partner. This illustrates the speaker’s lack of understanding of addressing emotional needs in a relationship, reflecting the concept of emotional neglect as a form of abuse.
19:30 - 20:30: Stages of a Man and Relationships In this chapter titled 'Stages of a Man and Relationships', the speaker discusses an experience where he felt criticized for underperforming in a specific area of his relationship. In response to this criticism, he decided to improve and become the best boyfriend he could be. Drawing from his strengths in business, he chose to apply the same business principles that contributed to his success in his professional life to his personal relationship, hoping to achieve similar success.
20:30 - 21:30: Choosing the Right Partner and Individual Growth The chapter delves into two fundamental themes: choosing the right partner and fostering individual growth within relationships. The speaker reflects on the journey of trying to be a genuine partner, emphasizing that love and thoughtful actions within a relationship can't be reduced to just checking off boxes. Genuine efforts and sincere gestures matter more than mechanical or obligatory actions. An anecdote is shared where the speaker performed a thoughtful action for his wife and self-reflects on the nature of genuine communication and connection in relationships.
21:30 - 22:30: Maintaining Individuality in Relationships The chapter emphasizes the importance of maintaining authenticity and individuality within relationships. It discusses a conversation between two individuals where one person questions the genuineness of the other's actions. The focus is on whether actions in a relationship are done out of obligation or if they are sincere. The dialogue reveals the desire for actions to be 'authentic and organic,' highlighting the need for genuine connection and the balance between meeting expectations and staying true to oneself.
22:30 - 23:30: The Need for Individual Work in Relationships This chapter discusses the significance of personal effort in relationships. The speaker acknowledges that certain behaviors do not come naturally to them, but they are willing to adapt and grow to meet their partner's needs authentically. This process requires patience and support from their partner to eventually become genuine and organic. The speaker highlights the importance of listening and packaging communication, drawing a parallel with interactions with their mother.
23:30 - 24:30: Relationship Transparency and Communication The chapter discusses the importance of relationship transparency and communication, highlighted through a personal anecdote involving scheduling and priorities. The narrator realizes that they have not been scheduling time for their mother, despite scheduling other important tasks. This admission is made with good intentions and is not meant to imply that the mother is unimportant, but rather it is a reflection of the narrator's method of managing tasks. This highlights the need for openness and honesty in relationships, even when it involves logistical aspects like calendar scheduling.
24:30 - 25:30: Personal Work as a Step to Relationship Work This chapter explores the importance of personal work as a precursor to relationship work. It discusses how women desire genuine, heartfelt actions from their partners rather than feeling like these actions are mechanical or methodical tasks to complete. The chapter suggests that men, because of their logical thinking patterns, might overlook this aspect. Consequently, the organic connection that relationships often start with can deteriorate or diminish over time if not nurtured genuinely.
25:30 - 26:30: Understanding Relationship Standards and Expectations The chapter discusses the natural process of losing connection over time in relationships. It compares this disconnection to everyday occurrences, such as a light bulb eventually going out or Apple sending updates to fix issues. The chapter emphasizes that disconnection is normal, whether in personal relationships or partnerships and that not always being on the same page is part of the natural progression.
26:30 - 27:30: Promising Future Discussions on the Show In this chapter titled 'Promising Future Discussions on the Show,' the conversation focuses on the dynamics of relationships and the concept of intimacy. The speaker highlights the importance of genuine connections, referencing moments of honest reflection within personal relationships. They mention not having regular meetings but instead emphasizing spontaneous and meaningful interactions, akin to spending time together as friends ‘hanging out.’ There’s also an exploration of differing motivations in relationships, noting that honesty about these differences can be challenging but is necessary. Personal anecdotes, such as the speaker's own 12-year marriage, are used to illustrate these points, adding a layer of personal insight and relatability to the discussion.
27:30 - 28:30: Final Thoughts and Call to Action The final chapter shares a humorous and relatable story about the author's struggle to recall his wedding anniversary date, highlighting human imperfections in memory. Despite his confidence, the author is uncertain about whether he remembered correctly, reflecting the playful dynamics and light-hearted challenges that can exist within a marriage. This anecdote serves as a reminder of the importance of communication and the occasional humor necessary to navigate domestic life, encouraging readers to embrace imperfections and maintain a sense of humor in their relationships.

EMOTIONAL Neglect and Dealing With a LAZY Partner with Kendall Ficklin @kendallficklin Transcription

00:00 - 00:30 they're five stages in a man's life four stage four or five stages the first stage is a baby a baby cries for attention and love the second stage is a youth a youth yearns for attention and love the third stage is a male they act out for attention and love the fourth stage is a grown man he gives attention and love based on what he has received if he is not receiving it he may not get it so he'll give it that's a grown man that fifth level that Agape level is a
00:30 - 01:00 mature man he is attention and love so he is going to give it whether he receives it or not because he loves [Music] thank you welcome to hardly initiated it's your host Tyshawn Jackson rocking here with my co-host Ryan yo we actually about to break a record this is the first time we ever had a 3p yes on the show
01:00 - 01:30 I'm honored I'm honored yes this this brother here has been on our show now I mean for all sets every set that we've been in yeah the old for my Throwbacks y'all know the all-white set we had yeah the living room set up now to the table you have made it welcome back we rocking here with our father a husband a coach in life business relationships I mean true Renaissance Man blessing to be able
01:30 - 02:00 to sit here with you we rocking with Coach K Kendall ficklin welcome back to Harley initiated yo I'm honored to be I didn't realize that nope not y'all just no no no you're the first person that's been on three times so watch um the first time we did it I thought the set was phenomenal I was like oh this fire then the second time I was like and now I'm like like the levels like I'm I'm super proud of y'all and happy for your success let's get it we're taking them Frameworks you don't gave us and we
02:00 - 02:30 applying them all right and we appreciate you too because uh I mean to think about it you've been rocking with us from the beginning yeah and um we were some Knuckleheads to kind of get it kicked off right I think over the past year and a half going on two years we've mature quite a bit but I just really appreciate you for having the trust that we was gonna grow and become what we now shaping out to be because um you know it's a lot of people that decline to get on the show in the beginning and still declining us now but I think you trusting us man that really means a lot
02:30 - 03:00 to us so I keep it 100 um it ain't had nothing to do with trust like I know y'all good cats y'all good y'all are good men and when you got good character everything that you do is good so it's not about the numbers it's about supporting young men that doing their thing and because you got good character y'all got Integrity we know each other like whenever you call I'm coming as long as it's not on a Sunday I get it listen with you um we we have to get you on the show because
03:00 - 03:30 um I'm not sure of everybody watching though but we started a YouTube membership and uh we've been having a bunch of people flood and joining the channel now a part of the membership what we did was a special thing we want to actually speak to the audience and um after speaking to even my first five or six women now going on close to that 15 20 Mark what I found is that women both women and men really need help in maintaining their relationships so especially the ones that's been in
03:30 - 04:00 the relationship for years 5 10 15 even 20 plus years and I'll be real with you I mean you I probably gotta tell you this I'm not equipped Tyshawn is not equipped to be counseling nobody who got babies and been in the 20-year 15-year relationship so what they can trust us is identifying the right person forward yeah so that's all we brought you to the show today because we really want to educate people and help people who are looking to maintain healthy relationships Define maintain so that's a good question so the biggest
04:00 - 04:30 part of it is continuing the commitment the same commitment level with monogamies included in that uh but also a very important still maintaining or having a level of personal satisfaction and fulfillment and feeling the love is being reciprocated from there from their partner how often do you get a haircut every week how often you get a haircut or a shave how often do you you know we bald it's like every two days brother I
04:30 - 05:00 do mine's like every two weeks depending on what I got going I shave for the day okay all right my wife made me say for the day because she said every time you walk out this house you represent me so make sure that when you go out you you presentable but you go get a haircut how often every week good so in a relationship this should be a weekly sync you know how y'all business partners y'all do sync meetings how often every week week yeah weekly most married people don't do sync meetings
05:00 - 05:30 because they're not connected so we're talking about maintaining but we ain't on the same page maintenance for some men is like I need more sex I need more head I'm sorry I need more you know I need more of that physical love maintenance for uh the wife maybe I need you to spend more time real situation we was just I was just telling you earlier we was in the Dr right we did a little couple staying in the Dr and um I asked every couple on a scale from one and three not two one and three how
05:30 - 06:00 connected are you as a couple and every couple said one I'm the only person that said three my wife said one we ain't connected now I thought we were connected so the premise of the session was around communication it was around making sure that we're communicating effectively if nobody is connected then when we communicate and the question is are we actually receiving what the other person is saying so in any relationship you've been together for 18 years five years
06:00 - 06:30 seven years if you're not doing a weekly connection a weekly sync making sure that we're on the same page is what I wanted five years ago the same thing that I want now husband wife is what I want wanted five years ago the same thing I want now like my wife said to me one day yo we need to have a conversation y'all know that joint be like all right you'll never know what's gonna happen and I promise you she said um you're not intimate enough I don't I don't feel intimacy
06:30 - 07:00 I'm gonna be real I was like I don't even know what that means I need you to show me what that and she tried to explain it to me I'm not that bright like I I learned from seeing from the pictures I said I need you to share with me literally what that looks like she said you used to hold my hand when we would be walking she said you go out of town I don't hear from you you used to send me pictures of flowers running that boot gang I don't get that she said you don't spend intimate time with me you don't watch these TV shows that that I that I don't
07:00 - 07:30 like with her so once she told me what that looked like I was like wow I'm going about my daily business I'm doing what I normally do I'm checking on how you doing I'm you know we smashing and grabbing we just doing the daily thing so I said I didn't know that you you felt like I wasn't intimate she was like yeah and then I said look if we never talked about it during this time when would you have told me and she said I don't know when it would have came up now watch when we don't communicate it creates a gap so watch
07:30 - 08:00 this from the time Tyshawn is supposed to say something to the time Tyshawn actually says something everything in between here is what I got and everything happens in the Gap people get divorced in the guy other chicks and other dudes into the equation in the Gap facts people get information misconstrued in the gap every relationship every couple your number one priority is to close your gaps so if you mention that how we're going
08:00 - 08:30 to maintain right that's a gap so the first thing we have to do is identify what maintenance looks like for her and what it looks like for him and then we got to get on the same page that's the start so not weekly just just if you can kind of real quickly give me three of four questions in that Weekly sync meeting they should be asking so they know how to run it and they're not in there wasting time because I don't even know if people know how to talk to each other what to ask to even gain Clarity so what should it what should it look like it's organic bro like I don't
08:30 - 09:00 like we don't sit down and say all right like y'all do we're gonna do a weekly sync and you have an agenda right right what I do is every once a week every Friday in the morning we have coffee together during that coffee time ain't no phone ain't no nothing the conversation is about us the relationship what we need from and for each other are there any gaps we'll have a you know a connection call are you are we connected do we need to like where are we at what
09:00 - 09:30 do you need to say to me like those things then after that we talk about finances we talking about the business we're talking about things like that you want to do your best to make it organic but if you need to start with an agenda now here's what you don't do you don't be like a dude you don't be like all right let me put this you ain't giving me no head you know what I'm saying you don't want to do that you don't want to be like we ain't having enough sex when you know you wanna you wanna ask first what do you need from me and then once you give her what she needs she's going to reciprocate it's
09:30 - 10:00 funny that you say that because uh I think I told you about this a few years ago I was actually dating young lady and it's funny ass story yeah she talked about how we never like had conversations about what's going on in our relationship so I actually had the right idea I literally took the same agenda that me and Ty will use in our meeting and I brought it to the relationship and she you want to talk about somebody who was I mean completely dissatisfied with that idea it was like
10:00 - 10:30 all of a sudden because I was but this thing you gotta you gotta add this he even had he was using the scorecard so like number six we hit our sex upset that I was underperforming in this area so I said you know what I'm about to be the best boyfriend I'm about to be turned up so I'm like okay well I'm a really great business person so let me take these same business principles and apply them but when I applied them
10:30 - 11:00 exactly the same it became this really unattractive thing and I could see that me taking her through this process it just it because her thing was um it didn't seem genuine and I'm like how more genuine I'm really working hard on this you check the box exactly and nobody wants you to check the box now you want to make you want to my wife said it to me one day I did something sweet I'm talking about it was sweet I don't remember exactly what it was and I thought I did like I patted myself on the back
11:00 - 11:30 and after I did it she was like thanks I didn't get that response a lot and she said did you just check the box and I was like what you mean like I'm telling me it was genuine she was like you know we talked about it and I just feel like you just checked the box like you just went checked so I said what if I did was it something that you wanted she said yeah so whether I checked the box or it was genuine doesn't matter and she said yes and she said I wanted to be authentic and organic and you know what I said the
11:30 - 12:00 way that I'm built it doesn't come to me first nature so I need you to help me make it authentic and organic so if you can just ride with me while I'm checking this box it will become organic and authentic because I'm gonna do it because I love you and I want to give you what you need you know that's something because I see the way I said it though yeah you heard the voice yeah it gotta come with all of that with women because it's a package here's what's so funny with my mom just the other day she was talking about how I don't see how often right and I talked about you know and I said and I don't
12:00 - 12:30 know why I even said this I said Ma you right man I just have not I just have not been putting you on my calendar oh because in my mind I do what I schedule yeah so what I thought by that was I put all important things on my calendar and I haven't been scheduled them I met that with the purest intentions right purely she's not important is that what she said no first of all even if my mom finds out that I've been seeing her only because it's on my calendar like even that alone checking
12:30 - 13:00 the box I'm checking the Box women want to feel like you just are doing these things from your heart they don't want anything to feel mechanical or methodical or this is just some activity at 9 00 PM that you see that you had to do today and I think as men because of how we think we can miss that sometimes yeah and I think that's also how we can lose that organic thing that we started with and we can kind of dwindle off and kind
13:00 - 13:30 of lose that connection over time and and that's what I want to lose in the connection that's normal it's it's like that's natural like it is a natural thing for a light bulb to go out after it's been on for so many times it blows it's natural for um Apple to send you an update uh to your iPhone so that it can do some bug fixes and all that any relationship even with y'all like partner business partners you get disconnected y'all don't be on the same page especially if
13:30 - 14:00 you don't have a sync meeting and y'all hang out you're like you're truly connected the challenge for us is when it comes to the relationships like with Mom and when we talked about checking the box is because we don't know intimacy 101 like we're in a relationship for different reasons than the people we in relationships with that's a fact like if we could just be honest right so I'm married I've been married for 12 years you see how I went up and thought about that for a minute
14:00 - 14:30 I've been married for 12 years right so my wife asked me last week when we was in the deal she was like so when is our wedding day I was like yo stop playing like don't don't do me like that I'm the one that set the date so I know when we was and I tried to say it like yo don't play with me like that and then I change it to change the subject I really couldn't remember when we got married right and she pressed it and she pressed it and I said it's on the 27th and she said and I was like yeah see I told you don't play with me like that um I still don't know if it was right or wrong
14:30 - 15:00 but what what I'm what I'm getting at is I'm in the relationship to fulfill her needs or to check the box or to do the things that I need to do go provide go make money every now and then what I want I want my clothes washed folded and put up I want to be able to eat those that I want to I want to smash and grab when I want to smash and grab I'm not emotionally connected to it she's emotionally invested and connected and because she's emotionally invested and
15:00 - 15:30 connected her vision of being connected looks different than mine it's so crazy that you said that that you know that's a part of the natural process of relationship losing connection because I'm talking to one of our members she's been in you know I won't say her name but she's been mad for 20 years and she talked about how this disconnect this this lack of connection has happened a few times before so that's how I know I know I'm not qualified because in my mind I'm like oh this happened this happened two three times I'm like I'm thinking in my
15:30 - 16:00 mind oh this is no good dude I'm not considering that it's a long over the span of a long relationship and so my question for you is because I need to really get this in my mind like I personally to really understand this what is the benefit of staying connected in a relationship it keeps the communication open when we got challenges we got problems we got disagreements instead of us arguing we can communicate and get results like we
16:00 - 16:30 was just in the Dr and we got connected right and I used um a framework that I put together to get people connected once it got connected issues started coming up me and my wife had an issue the other couples had issues and we did what I call a catch and release back to back you sit in a chair you got three minutes to say to release and the other person can only catch can't say nothing oh then three minutes and it's got to be time because you know somebody gonna go off on a tangent all right then the other
16:30 - 17:00 person has three minutes to release and all you got to do is catch now the benefit for for those of us that like to run our mouths it forces us to actually listen and not listen to respond I'm talking about you can't talk about it at all at all and then one and with the other person that may not like to speak they may be more introverted so their energy is internal it forces them to get out it
17:00 - 17:30 helps them to get out what's on their mind without feeling like I don't want the conflict or the BS that comes with it when you do that one this this is true couple did it they had the issue they both did we did The Catch and Release and found out they both were on the same page with the issue but because they never closed the Gap there was a gap they wasn't communicating and after they were done they were like oh you need to tell me that we both don't didn't want this exactly but because
17:30 - 18:00 they were able to communicate because we first got connected when we ain't connected it's like I'm on one I'm on one and three you want two and four I ain't really trying to hear what you say you arguing and saying like when we argue we arguing to win when they argue they're arguing to get attention they saying the things that they say and doing the things that they do because they want to get attention and we're trying to win a fight and so if we're not connected I call it you hustling backwards in your relationship
18:00 - 18:30 because there is no end goal there is no result in business you're trying to make money but in your relationship what you trying to do what is the common goal y'all common goal is make money so we have something common in the relationship that goal can change and if you don't do weekly syncs and you got weekly weekly meetings and y'all got goals you got targets you got objectives as a couple when it comes to the relationship when it comes to the kids when it comes to the money when it comes to the crib when it comes to everything like who's running the outside of the
18:30 - 19:00 house and who running the inside true story so I uh when we did our Catch and Release um I said to my wife yo these are some of the things that I really want from you and I said like I don't you don't cook enough I want you to cook a little more you know what I'm saying and she couldn't say nothing and I said I love and I appreciate that you wash the clothes and I appreciate that you fold them but what pisses me off is you take my damn clothes and you put them on the bed and want me to put them up and I can't get into bed until I put the clothes up so I said can you put them up
19:00 - 19:30 then the other thing I said is I'm out here I'm trying to do what I need to do for the business I need you to make sure to keep all any drama away from me and she was like I could do that you know what she said I need you to spend more time with me I need you to be more intimate with me and I just said show me how that looks and then I'm asking you to help me do it because my focus right now is somewhere else and while I want to give you everything that I got I'ma need you to help me do it and
19:30 - 20:00 at first she was like well I gotta help you because you and I said I'm communicating that I need help I can't guarantee that I'm gonna do it right we were able to communicate because we got connected we couldn't have that conversation that we was beefing um but we closed the gap so that that maintenance cycle and that challenge that couples have first you got to identify where are our gaps I like that I like that um
20:00 - 20:30 I mean as I'm just listening to you I'm I'm hearing it's these words that these that women use regularly but I'm not happy I don't feel loved intimate I mean intimacy yeah but you made a good point even before we started this conversation like the word love different people will Define it differently and I imagine these other words too there's these buzzwords we use in relationships that not only do we probably not even know we assuming what we think we mean when we
20:30 - 21:00 say this but the words might even change over time the meanings change the meanings of the word may change over time so when you talking about intimacy now it was you know watching TV doing these different things and I wanted to ask like has that happened for you like your definition of intimacy and love have you seen those things evolve from when y'all first got into relationship to where it is now bro let me tell you
21:00 - 21:30 something I still don't know what the hell intimacy means for my wife like I asked her to give me a picture but that picture changed from when we met when we met she told me I used to hold her hand and do all of those things and I was like okay she said but you stopped I said because the the dynamic of our relationship shifted we own our own business now I was broke then you was working there now you don't work now I got all of X Y and Z on my shoulder right now I'm a CEO of something much
21:30 - 22:00 bigger than before I had no driver's license then so I had to sit in the passenger seat with you so things change and here's what happened you didn't communicate that the intimacy on my end change that Gap happened so I'm gonna be real I still don't know I bruh I don't know what the hell intimacy mean for her somebody else I just know my wife need me to hold a hand I don't want to hear the buzzwords like I literally told that I I'm gonna say it like that I literally said yo show me what you want me to do
22:00 - 22:30 I don't care about intimacy and love because we talked about it earlier like love love is an action word it's literally a verb when you connected to emotions and feelings it loses the power you know you love your mama know you love her when you put on the calendar and you pick up the phone you know what I'm saying not when you be like I love your mama no she like where you at why I don't see you why ain't on the calendar my wife knows I love her when I hold her hand when I show her that I
22:30 - 23:00 love her so I put on the front of the phone you know I love you because now when I feel like something ain't going right every time I look at the front of this phone I put the smile up there too the one that I like because it reminds me that I'm responsible for her feelings and what she wants in this relationship it's a reminder and that's what I signed up for when I like we got married I promise you I don't remember everything I said I was drinking I was drunk when that was when I used to drink I was drunk and all I remember is I made a
23:00 - 23:30 commitment I was in Covenant right or a contract whatever you want to say but I don't remember all that other stuff like all I know is every time when I have nothing when I was when I fell she had me covered when I was falling she picked me up when I have no money she had money when when I would trick off money for other businesses and stuff she made sure we had a roof over our head so right now today whatever she want whatever she needs she gets because I love her
23:30 - 24:00 it ain't it it ain't sex when the when the sex is good you know what I say yo that was that was fire that Smash and grab was lit I don't be like oh I love you nah that was a feeling the love is is what they say in the book it's agape it's levels the level of love that is agape that is not connected to emotions or feelings says it's the stages of a man right watch this
24:00 - 24:30 there are five stages in a man's life four stage four or five stages the first stage is a baby a baby cries for attention and love the second stage is a youth a youth yearns for attention and love the third stage is a male they act out for attention and love the fourth stage is a grown man he gives attention and love based on
24:30 - 25:00 what he has received if he is not receiving it he may not get it so he'll give it that's a grown man that fifth level that Agape level is a mature man he is attention and love so he is going to give it whether he receives it or not because he loves does that make sense that does make a lot of sense yeah and so we get married and we get in relationships and we in the mail stage as as men right I'm acting the hell out
25:00 - 25:30 for love what does that mean I think love is busting off that I think love is you giving me something that ain't love love is we in a relationship and if I say I love you actions and activity got to come with that so if you're if the if the the person that you were talking about the maintenance is not being met and they're having problems in a 20-year relationship you have to ask the question do are we on the same page where's the Gap and do we really love each other and then bruh what level what
25:30 - 26:00 what stage of manhood are you in I think uh I think you hit the nail on the head with that one because I remember when we had the 50 50 conversation which went viral by man paying the bills that was one thing now I'm speaking to these women and the reality of the situation is as much as they would like the man to pay the bills the women are both working and also expected to come home and handle the domestic role the domestic support so my question is I know you know there's levels of emotional support like
26:00 - 26:30 he talked about affection and all of those things but when a woman is not getting what she needs how can she incentivize or convince or get her partner to truly understand that is a dire need and that he needs to take action before it leads to something irreconcilable so let's go back and forth here's the woman I Ryan I'm not getting what I need what does Ryan say
26:30 - 27:00 what do you need she tells them they they go off about their business 30 days go by Ryan I'm still not getting what I need what do you need or you're gonna say well I did what you said before and then she like well you ain't what's the gap she did not communicate effectively what the need really was or he did not fulfill he did not accept or understand what she said now in either case if she
27:00 - 27:30 didn't communicate it the right way so that he can connect with it remember I said to my wife yo I need you to show me what that means right early on in our relationship I would just be like all right all right and and do your version of it exactly God like yo I just I called you yesterday I sent you a text message I held your hand when we walked out I opened the door like um but because we're not communicating we're not connected we talking but we ain't saying we're not communicating effectively so
27:30 - 28:00 she telling you what she need but you don't understand and you know you don't understand but you're not asking to draw pictures for me but see the worst the worst situation with this one is I think the real situation with this specific a person was there was even no attempt [Music] when a breakup was was in the air what stage man is he that sounds like a male yeah he's a male he acting out and watch this when she creates separation he goes back to let
28:00 - 28:30 me do something to get her attention yes so how do you handle a situation like that ladies that's what they want to know if you want attention what do you do create separation see when you when you met that dude he was chasing you he was hunting he was trying to gather he was trying to gain he was trying to get in your draws you gave him the draws you had sex with him you got married to him and then you made it he ain't gotta hunt no more so
28:30 - 29:00 when you're going through these things and you're trying to communicate and he's just ignoring you when you create that separation he now feels like he got a hunt to get you back stay separated make him earn I told a young lady the other day she called me bro I promise you now I never be like yo you need to leave him or cut them or whatever but based on what happened I was like yeah he got to go wow I don't I don't like no man that don't take care of his family your wife your kids I don't care what's
29:00 - 29:30 going on with me and my ex when our separate ways I left the crib left her dead with the kids and I still paid the bills so when a dude is not taking care of his family you don't be like oh he'd be like yo I'm a um I'm gonna do better and he come back no no no I need you to show me first like you gotta earn this and once women start getting into the mindset of saying I'm not giving you um hunt I want to say it the way I want to say it so bad I'm not giving you you a man come
29:30 - 30:00 get it get it and show me you want it you want me to negligee and show you and do this and do not I didn't do that when you met me you chased if I responded your text in a few minutes you like you used to do temperature checks you don't do the temperature checks see you she has made it so easy and I ain't got to do nothing to get what I want forget sex we married you want more attention you want me to be more intimate you either have to
30:00 - 30:30 disconnect and and share with me and let me know what you want and then watch me come and do it now if I'm not doing it disconnect again now that disconnection because it's a big thing we talked about does that include withholding sex I don't recommend you withhold anything I don't think you need to withhold sex but watch this let's just keep it real we've all been here you don't have beef with your girl and y'all had sex but it just wasn't together sex yep she let you bust off
30:30 - 31:00 um we've been there and we've been yeah yeah absolutely how'd you feel left [Music] yeah for me I felt like damn I'd bust off but and watch what you say yo what's wrong um what's going on your eyes yeah and then you get this yeah I'm good then you start wondering that hurts actually yeah yeah with hope there's no
31:00 - 31:30 power in withholding there's power in making me feel like wow that's willing these women to make the dude feel like if you if if you are not getting the things that you want and need after you have done everything that you can to communicate because you know we hard-headed oh I'll be honest bro like the these women they've commune like all the options they've went all the way down right and now they're at the point where it's like exactly so watch this in every relationship it how many people make a
31:30 - 32:00 relationship two two minimum of two right I can't be in a relationship and it's just me trying to make a relationship so if I'm in a relationship with you and you ain't putting no energy no effort into the relationship then why am I going to try to force you to do it I need you to understand that in order for this to be a relationship both of us have to work and if both of us ain't working so the best disconnect is that like yo because I can imagine there's some ladies watching this and packing this right now
32:00 - 32:30 in some cases depend every situate and this is the thing we talk in general but every relationship is different maybe for me and my relationship for my wife all she got to do is get quiet because I'm gonna be like what's wrong what's going on right for some people it might be um lack of emotion during sex maybe you stop cooking every relationship is different but every woman knows how to get her dude's attention uh really all you want to do is get his attention and
32:30 - 33:00 let him know that you're not just gonna keep getting what you think you want and I ain't getting what I want it's a relationship we're not relating you getting what you want you cool I'm not I need more if you don't want to give it to me the window can be cracked the door can be opened or I can get your attention and let you know here's an opportunity for you to do something different now you know we hard-headed right and then we talked earlier it was like all right ladies don't send a clip of a hardly
33:00 - 33:30 initiated podcast to your dude talking about you need to do what this dude said as men we got egos like and he don't know what he talking about right why are you sending me I did it why are you sending me this why you can't tell me this yourself but what you do need to do is do your best to communicate with your dude what you need and what you want and give him every opportunity to make an adjustment if he ain't making an adjustment then you got to get his attention and you know how to get his attention what your
33:30 - 34:00 mama do when she need to get your attention oh man mine's cooked yeah yeah my mom first of all no no my mom yeah she gonna call me and be like she's gonna tell me exactly how she feels that is how my mama's gonna get my attention attention all day long yeah and every it's different for everybody yeah because you know I don't want to hear that yeah it's it's so interesting that you you kind of break it down like this because in my mind I'm thinking that a woman just making these moves is her
34:00 - 34:30 being petty right her being petty just just randomly I'm not gonna wash his clothes or I'm not that might be a Pity act but it does make sense and please use wisely ladies because it seems like this is for women who have probably used other uh communicative efforts first on the front end it is petty though Tyshawn but what's wrong with the pen being petty when you're busy for a reason yes and at the right point in time when you've tried the other oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
34:30 - 35:00 first but that's the thing these men are not accepting responsibility for what's going on these men are not actively seeking help on their own they're not accepting the invitations to therapy to have a conversation with their women and in a lot of cases they're not providing the emotional support and the protection so for example it may be other men involved somehow that's being inappropriate with your woman or it may be some problems that your woman is
35:00 - 35:30 having at work that you don't want to talk to her about so the women are in Desperate situations before they resort to this level of pettiness for sure and you've neglected your masculine duty at that point exactly yeah and we that's that's another the book right that's another thing but watch this when you say somebody is I'm not your dude one of your guys is inappropriately approaching your girl right that's a bad one now if if your your girl communicates that to
35:30 - 36:00 you and you don't receive it she now needs to really say to herself we are definitely not connected because he is not hearing me he is not listening to me he is not feeling me he is not even taking like if bro if you my girl and you tell me yo your boy just tried to holler at me and if I be like stop playing he didn't you need to let me go because I'm not taking your feelings into consideration at all and before she actually said that she probably said hey
36:00 - 36:30 do you have to invite him over you know hey do you have to hang keep hanging out with him she would have said a lot of other things to give you the hit before because if a woman outright tells you that your boy's been disrespectful she didn't try 10 times before to let you know and bro some cats got I'm just gonna keep it real some cats are dirty they got a few side pieces um and we get dirty and when we get dirty we neglect the other clothes that we got at the crib would you say that neglect at some point could actually be a form of abuse
36:30 - 37:00 it is abuse because you went into a covenant or I heard somebody call it a covenant I'm in Covenant now I'm of the belief that if we're in a covenant and you're neglecting me and I'm telling you you're neglecting me but you're neglecting me because you're dirty like you got side chicks and you ain't man enough to be able to handle all of us you know In some cultures some religion some countries they believe in polygamy but in Africa and in Islam if you have you can have up to seven or
37:00 - 37:30 nine wives but each of those wives got to be driving the same bins if one got a Benz all of them got to have a Benz if one of them live in a big house all of them got to live in a big house but we smashing extra chicks and we giving her extra time we spending more money more time with her we're giving her the attention that she wants but we neglecting over here what that says is you can't handle more than one woman and you either need to separate yourself from the one you in Covenant or contract
37:30 - 38:00 with or suffer the consequences and I think it's us bro like women because of the way they built we're either going to hear how they feel or feel how they feel and we choose to ignore it or not and watch this ladies he is always going to do everything that you allow him to do if you allow us to get away with it we're going to keep doing it that's man that's very true if you don't check us and you stop it if my wife never said to
38:00 - 38:30 me or said to me you ain't being intimate and I ain't do nothing about it but she never came back to it and said it again I'm getting away with this let me keep doing it but if you don't say anything if you don't check them if you don't make an ultimatum and it don't have to go to the point where I want a divorce or or sometimes maybe it does that's up to you to decide but everything that you allow me to do and get away with I'ma Do It if I ain't gonna call you before I go to bed or I ain't got to hug you or
38:30 - 39:00 whatever I ain't gonna do it so don't be surprised if you asking me for something that you never held me accountable to before I'm a male I'm gonna act out when I want attention and I think that's the thing we getting married but you ain't really marrying a man like once I started to evolve into a mature man my relationship with my wife had the shift because she married me I was a male then I went into being a grown man like I'm gonna love on you and give you everything you got as long as you give
39:00 - 39:30 me what I want how does a woman recognize the difference between I mean that sound good because you know when when a guy looking good he because I think you can even be a male with having your finances together oh he got nothing yeah you could have this level of stability in these areas you could probably even have a good talk game yeah establish some good chemistry good sex so how does a woman know the difference between a male and a man watch this remember I talked about the five stages each of the stages do something for
39:30 - 40:00 attention and love a male acts out for attention and love a youth yearns for attention and love a baby cries for attention and love a mature man is attention and love that means he is giving way more than he's receiving because he is that you know you got a mature man when all he does is give and he supplies your needs anything else bro you need to check yourself and I'm
40:00 - 40:30 I promised you before I became a mature man I saw a mature man you know I was with e on the road my guy man answer my Weavers like second brother to talk about him like that I heard he was a role model bro let me tell you relationships he phenomenal speaker but I didn't learn how to speak from e I learned firsthand the way a mature man now I had the framework then and it sounded sweet and I thought I was doing it and sometimes we can go from
40:30 - 41:00 stage five back down to stage four back up to stage five and now and then we might go down to stage three but I'm watching him and the way he treats and handles his wife he'll move unless bro we was in Houston at the Super Bowl told me him and told we had two was just best we we did we left out went to do a gig toad was driving me and E and we said all right let's stop and grab something to eat so he hit the wife said hey what you want not Super Bowl in Houston we got the food and we in traffic I promise
41:00 - 41:30 you we might have been a block away from the crib and he started getting the answer I'm like yo you good everything good he's like yeah I need to get this to the wife because she hungry I was like yeah that was me I'm like whoa bro I promise you he said toe pull around back to the hotel I jumped out he jumped out at the food he took his Jordans off climbed the fence and it wasn't no regular like fence he climbed like got over the fence I handed him the food put the shoes on he said all right I'll see y'all later I gotta get this upstairs wow it took my
41:30 - 42:00 mature stage five man to a whole nother level and then at first I used to be like yeah Brian doing all that that's too much like so when you hear he said he ironed he do this like he love his bruh period that's incredible he love he loves people he loves to talk it did he come to me and be like yo we right after we done let's go let we need to leave so as soon as he done I'll be like yo we need to go TD ready to go all right I gotta go y'all I love that that's stage five now we
42:00 - 42:30 talked earlier like yo it's a lot of us come on this show we capping for those y'all that don't know what that mean you lying right right can you I'm gonna talk about I want to talk right now talking you talking but you're not living this and it's easy to talk about something to give people advice when you haven't experienced everything that's connected to it so I'm watching e be stage five so when he's telling me about the type of man
42:30 - 43:00 and so forth and so on I'm just like yes because I'm watching him experience it whether she was giving him love or not so when I started practicing it I was like oh cause I'm Petty this worked you mean I'm doing this this and this and I'm gonna get so I'm like stage five every day every day but but I can't sit here and tell the women and the man yo y'all do this do this and do that but I haven't experienced it now you're living it yeah stop capping even
43:00 - 43:30 with the ladies like if you know if you know your man is dirty or he not what you need tell them and if he won't give you what you need you have to ask yourself why the hell I'm in this relationship unless and and I think that is that's where the discernment gets tricky because we had a group a panel of Brothers on here and all married and we were talking about times they've been pushed to the brink of the edge to the point where they either considered or acted on divorce now the good thing is
43:30 - 44:00 and there was some strong Brothers man all of them consensually said we are not pro divorce so no matter what they're gonna work through their relationship so what I want to know because you just told this young lady who was going through some of her relationship that she needs to leave this man yes yes yeah so well she already left them I said don't let blank blank come back okay don't let them come back yeah so what when do I know what neglect is
44:00 - 44:30 too much and what I can repair and work through I can't tell you that your therapist can't tell you that your heart is going to tell you that some women have a higher tolerance than others they believe they love this man more than they really do they believe that and look there's no right or wrong and no good or bad every woman has to answer that for herself but one thing that we know for show for show when she has truly had enough it's a
44:30 - 45:00 wrap it's done it's done all of the questions that we got coming in all of the challenges all of the issues stem from we're in that point where I don't know if I'm really done I don't know if it's really and watch this I was talking to a couple they was going through right they was contemplating divorce and it it was over some BS like communication right it wasn't even like it was literally so I said so y'all just gonna walk into court and when the judge be like why are we here why y'all getting divorced you're not gonna say he
45:00 - 45:30 cheated on me she cheated on me he physically abusing me she physically abused me you gonna literally say well he won't listen to me when I talk like we breaking up because of that you ain't had a marriage in the first place I'm sorry I didn't say that right no no you were married but you weren't in relationship because what happens is you can never allow a situation to mean more than the relationship if you're in a relationship
45:30 - 46:00 the marriage says that we're legally married the relationship says barring physical abuse and all those other things we're going to do what we need to do to keep this thing going so I got a question for you the panel that y'all had when all of the brothers that were at the brink was the brink because of physical abuse adultery what was the cause of the brink interestingly enough most of the men were honest enough to say that they had a lot to do with the
46:00 - 46:30 brink I was going to say it's us because for me I was at the brain I told my son one day I was drunk in the house one day me and my wife was arguing I was like yo pack your bags we out it wasn't her it was me that's why I asked you the question because typically we don't have the patience we don't have that same level of stage five manhood that we need to have and that she has like she gonna be like I need advice Ryan and Tashan can y'all
46:30 - 47:00 answer these questions for me but we're gonna be like I'm gonna go play golf or I've had enough I'm out I'm at the brink for different reasons none of them was probably like my girl cheated on me no it was us it was yeah it was us so so coach this thing you know we've heard the saying it's cheaper to keep her who's also you know the other day right my wife I was like yo we ain't never breaking up because right now it is
47:00 - 47:30 cheaper to keep yeah yeah so that's the men's side of things you got the women side of things which is hey I don't know if I'm gonna be able to survive without this man are those two reasons ever good enough reasons to maintain that we continue to maintain a relationship even though you are completely unfulfilled but that's not a relationship issue that's an individual issue if she say I don't know if I can make it financially without him what you're saying is there is a limiting belief or
47:30 - 48:00 you have been accustomed to living a certain way financially and you need to go get a second or third job they ain't gonna do with him if you're gonna leave and if he says or I say like I said it it's cheaper to keep her what that means is I can I'm willing me individually I'm willing to tolerate something because money is more important than me getting out of this and that's a relationship right there it's an individual thing it is a lack of character you gotta change your mindset it's richer when you ditch it bro
48:00 - 48:30 good one that's a good one every relationship issue that we have not not every I would say 90 to 95 of the problems are not relationship problems they're individual problems because we ain't never been taught how to be in a relationship bro you ask married people that have been married 30 40 years you might know some people but you know what I ask now I thought I was talking to a young lady
48:30 - 49:00 the other day she said um I asked it a question I said how long your mother father been married she said almost 40 years I was like that's amazing wow then I said how was the relationship like what did you see were they happy did they give you like this is how I want my relationship to be she was like oh hell no they go through everything that couples go through right so being married for 30 or 40 years don't mean if we're not getting better individually now we bring better
49:00 - 49:30 two better individuals to a relationship so okay so you talk about getting better individually which I'm on the same page as you're about now the thing is you got you know when somebody both men and women are experiencing emotional neglect a lot of times they can over indulge in work or they can just find something else to focus on the kind of escape from the actual situation so if you are in a situation of neglect what are some things that you can proactively do for yourself while you're still actively
49:30 - 50:00 trying to repair the relationship every one of us as men so we talked about the five stages but every one of us needs to focus on being a well-made man a well-made man means that I am a whole man I got to provide financially emotionally um physically mentally I gotta protect right and not just protect criminals or people from coming to the crib or physically protect my wife I have to
50:00 - 50:30 protect her thoughts I have to protect her from what's coming in her ear gate her eye gate like that's what I got to do and so what happens is if we're not being whole then we will go after the bag and just limit provision to money wonder why because it's easier than trying to connect with emotions living provision to money yeah I agree that is the easiest that's the default and then we forget about protection like you ain't even thinking about
50:30 - 51:00 protection you're like yo I'm going to work I'm making the money and she like but I'm just trying to spend time with you and what happens is because we don't know how to connect and communicate with our own emotions we pour all of our extra excess energy into money and work or porn or weed drugs or or shoes or you know things but we don't pour it into the relationship you wanna know why because the relationship really ain't the priority it's the things that come from or to the
51:00 - 51:30 relationship I got my wife on the front here because she the priority bro we gonna make money all you can do is get up every day and go to work you're gonna make money how much of your relationship like would you and your wife specifically how much of that relationship is private when you have problems so it's good you said that so I let all that out okay and my wife be like you just gonna tell everything because we know we work with couples we talk to people like I'm constantly having conversation bro we're on the
51:30 - 52:00 podcast right now yeah probably most people don't do that millions of people don't see us yeah I ain't got no problem saying my wife said to me one day but we was beefing last week about something and I only remember what it was but I we had a couples conversation after it and I brought up I brought it up and I told her yo you was being petty won't you share the whole conversation and then I share let's talk about how we actually were able to work through it so you it needs it so broad like
52:00 - 52:30 my my bonus son said to me my wife's son said to me one day he said yo when I get into a relationship I want it to be like what y'all got um bro that I cried internally but externally I was like why first of all I know he's watching but basically what he said was I like what y'all doing because like we air it out I air it out she'd be trying to you know but I like yo we going through this we're going through that we're having problems here we have problems there she cussed me out the other day she withholding it like I
52:30 - 53:00 don't got no problem with that I wonder why it's helping somebody and what better way to have a conversation about something than to be like yo my wife was tripping the other day or should I say I was tripping now I would say okay because the way you communicate your issues you always speak from a place of healing and action to make it better whereas when a lot of people talk about all the BS going on in their relationship is from a place of pain it's from a place of complaint it's from a place of resentment so everybody
53:00 - 53:30 in Coach K when they talking about the rela the things that's going on in their relationships and it ends up turning into them shaming and probably even bringing embarrassment onto their relationship because what is not happening is you want to do relationship work before you do personal work my personality is I I outwardly communicate but I found out to get the results that I like to get and to solve the problems I want to solve the more I put it out and share it and the more transparent it I am the
53:30 - 54:00 more beneficial it is for my kids that are already married the more beneficial it is for people that I'm connected with and talking to that are already married because they can probably we was at a couple's house last week dinner and we're just sitting down at the table like this having conversations together no coaching or anything like that but having real conversation about problems in marriage and we all talk about a couple of different things boom boom boom my wife told me the other day the young lady at the house we was at called them be like yo my husband said every time we get
54:00 - 54:30 together we always learn something when we have conversations with y'all though why because I keep it 100. it ain't bruh and here's the thing I am going to say it everybody is not going to say it like Kendall says it but most people won't say and when you don't say it externally it is suppressed and then you go off and my wife went off with me one day bro went off about something right I'm like
54:30 - 55:00 I still remember what it was but once we started appealing the back she was like you know what I'm really mad about I was like what she said remember 10 years ago when you messed up my Charles Schwab account I was like what yeah like the argument wasn't even I'm like you've been holding on to that she's like yeah that hurt because we doing the work I was like so it's just coming up bruh all types of stuff coming up because for so many years she been suppressing I
55:00 - 55:30 ain't saying nothing I mean I don't want to talk about because if I talk about it I'm gonna go off so whatever gets suppressed well at a certain point erupt so you have to learn how to communicate but you if you don't know how to communicate before you get in a relationship you're doing the relationship a disservice like when you you get married people go to marriage counseling when I went to marriage counseling twice I've been married twice and anybody teach me how to communicate you know when I had to learn how to communicate after I got married and said I don't want to be in divorce number two if I
55:30 - 56:00 want to keep my wife I got to learn how to communicate for both of us so a lot of the challenges and the problems that people have in relationship are not relationship issues it's your issue watch this you don't necessarily need for you and your husband or your dude to go to couples coaching you need to go see a a coach around self-awareness around your EQ emotional quotient your your uh emotional intelligence and then when you do that
56:00 - 56:30 and learn how to express yourself without going in or being petty to get um to connect and communicate that'll change the relationship and here's the I'm saying this I'm gonna say it like this if you're in a relationship it's two people if you're the other person in that relationship doesn't want to do anything to get help for the relationship or for themselves you have to ask yourself am I in a relationship maybe you're in a relationship with a
56:30 - 57:00 single dude you'll catch that at the red light I completely agree with that because at the end of the day I mean we think about because you talked about you asked uh Coach K how do you differentiate between you know what's too much neglect and or if you should stay in a relationship but if you actually do that personal work you're gonna be very clear watch this brother your pastor told me something when I was with my ex he was like X you gotta um you got to put in the work in order for you to actually walk away and not feel guilty
57:00 - 57:30 once I started putting in the work and I regret went back and did everything that I felt like I could should do and could do to make it work when it didn't work I realized it didn't work because it didn't work it wasn't because I was unwilling to work it you can walk away at that point people stay in because they feel guilty or they don't feel like they got nowhere else to go or they ain't gonna be able to take care of themselves financially or I got these kids now or for us as dudes I don't want to hurt nobody else smashing mm-hmm
57:30 - 58:00 um I mean and those are all unhealthy reasons and it was all personal reasons so now you have to ask yourself is the relationship more important than my individual health and wellness mental and physical because mental health can take you out the game physically and then watch this if you got kids what am I teaching the kids what kind of like my sons we me and my oldest son can come and do this podcast and we can be so transparent because one
58:00 - 58:30 of the things that they've seen me do is heal and become whole and and Mike all my kids have told me the trauma that they went through and still are dealing with because of my lack of growth and development in a relationship so we stayed in 16 years for the kids but did more harm than good to them um wow and wow I'm a product of uh my mother and father
58:30 - 59:00 was together for 16 years I ain't never seen him sleep in the bed together wow ever and you know what people say they say this all the time they say I I did it for the kids staying together for the kids oh bro I promise you so sometimes you need to leave for the kids bruh we you know why we say you know I figured it out because I said it okay when we can look at me I think I said it on that you know why we say I'm gonna stay in it for the kids because I'm scared to actually walk away I'm a punk whether you're male or female you can sit and say I'ma stay for the kids but
59:00 - 59:30 the truth of the matter is you're scared to make a decision and walk away because and you're using the kids because the truth of the matter is if you stand for the kids because you want the kids to to what to see you before you go to before they go to sleep all right you ain't spending no time with them are you unhappy before you go to sleep bro because it's tension all up in the crib y'all probably have never experienced this the attention we ain't getting along there ain't no sex so you're standing with the kids for what no I have as a kid why don't y'all just get a divorce right that's what kids think
59:30 - 60:00 that too because no no no that's not what the kids are thinking no thinking why the hell are y'all going like why are y'all being so petty like pet kids don't want to see their parents get divorces no no kids want the kids want their parents to stop being on this no no that's what kids want kids growing up in an abusive household where they know what toxic looks like and they know what they they're like yo I'd rather not see not see y'all together like so watch this you're not wrong and you're not wrong but here's why since both of y'all mentioned with the kids the kids are
60:00 - 60:30 kids you're supposed to be an adult right what decisions are you making if you're doing it for the kids why don't you do it for the best interest of the kids I didn't learn this until I had to live it until all my kids told me that the dumb that I did I did I'll take full ownership of it is what caused them to make the decisions that they made so now you're in a relationship talking about I I want you to stay yeah and you're staying but you really don't want to be there or you really don't want him
60:30 - 61:00 to be there but you don't want the kid oh woman up pull your drawers up grab your nuts you know what I'm I like that I could like that because I had to go through it not to grab my nuts and make this and then once I made a decision now y'all y'all see my kids yeah you see the type of relation they may not be good I may not be good but guess what we're healing yeah we in relationship
61:00 - 61:30 healthy whole relationships that's what the people that we've been speaking to that's what they want to and men and women both in the same boat no they don't why you say that bro think about it it's one thing most people want what it looks like but they don't want what it feels like that don't just apply in business or like we talk about like that yeah most people will let the way they feel affect the way they flow you say you want to be whole and healthy
61:30 - 62:00 but your ass ain't putting in the work [Music] you're not you're not walking away from the problem and I'm not saying leave the relationship if if your dude does not want to get help that does not mean that you don't go get help that does not mean that you don't do the work and you'll spend your time trying to fix somebody else and we can't fix nobody but you know who you could fix yes sir and you ain't doing that so you're saying you want to be whole and healthy
62:00 - 62:30 but you're watching no you're right you listening to the cap from people that ain't been through through nothing instead of just being like yo let me go get a therapist let me go talk to somebody that I don't know let me do the work on myself but people will come to the bro I haven't been in a therapy session with a wife both of them and I go to therapy session because I'm sweet with my words you probably do the same thing we can manipulate and make it sound like we write and they wrong and I promise you the therapist
62:30 - 63:00 S no coach can't listen we do not know you a vet because that was literally what a young lady told me she said she took her she convinced her husband to go to therapy he had his session first then she had her session she said the therapist at the end of the session said I'll be honest with you your husband was the sweetest all he he talked you up the whole entire time before I sat with you I thought you was the problem that's
63:00 - 63:30 that's the problem because your husband performed so well in that therapy session here's the winner like an interview bro you wanna know why look yeah I'm gonna go nah we're gonna go to therapy I used to be like yeah we're gonna go therapy and we end up she had more sessions with the therapist than me because we missing the process the order that it needs to go in what's the order we don't need to go to therapy first together we need to go separately because I'm gonna say stuff to the
63:30 - 64:00 therapist without you being around without like it being a couple's thing that's gonna be 100 because I know she ain't never gonna come in and somebody gonna get fixed hopefully you get fixed with me but you're not if you put the work in right but now here's this is because we think alike in a lot of ways at the end of the day before he or she makes a decision to be like yo I'm done it's a wrap we don't went to therapy I done did everything I could to be a better man or I've done everything no literally not just go to check the box
64:00 - 64:30 I'm doing the work I got the feelings chart and I'm doing all the things and I'm doing the work I'm I'm trying to be intimate and all that and it still ain't working at the end of the day then you can walk away without the guilt and the kids wouldn't won't be so much of an issue because you both have literally done because in some cases we picked wrong we chose wrong like watch this hurt people can't choose healthy people her people choose hurt people that's what we got in common
64:30 - 65:00 we heard most of us are hurting because how many of us saw what a great relationship looks like you still have the expectation that this other person needs to go fix themselves but the reality situation is I got one better we have an expectation of what the relationship is supposed to be and look like and where did we get that from where did the standard come from where did we hear it did we create our own
65:00 - 65:30 but we don't have those conversations because nobody at the beginning like at the beginning of a think about this before you get married you're in a relationship yo what's your we gonna get married what's your definition of a man like what do you expect me to be or do or what role do you expect me to play as a as your husband same thing for my wife how are we gonna raise these kids before how we gonna raise these kids like I ain't you know I don't want my daughter to walk around no tight ass you know and
65:30 - 66:00 her behind I don't want you walking around with me and my wife going through it right now because she'll put them spandex pants on and I give her that look like cover your ass um because you go out and she fighting back like ain't nothing wrong you know I'm like nah so I'm still dropping hints and clues fighting that battle but it's just you got to just be willing to continue to do the work and have the conversations but watch this I told her well when we first started being together when I say something about it you changed it but now you won't change it
66:00 - 66:30 so you sold me something that you ain't keep up hmm I said am I the same dude that I was when you met me for the most part she said yeah you an I'm consistent yo let me tell you Coach K you probably saved some people today hopefully with the game that you drop I just asked you this because I want to admit it's so much to talk to you about me and Ryan was Lily going at it about what actually we gonna bring here what conversation we're gonna have today we're gonna make it organic
66:30 - 67:00 so I need you to promise me and the people something because you hinted to that conversation of manipulation you hinted to it and I think we can go some I think we can go so deep Oh you mean when we go to the therapist no no no you I'm not doing it later but I think but that's such a good conversation I just need you to give me a word and we can get you back on here to talk about bro whenever y'all want me we here
67:00 - 67:30 let's get it yeah we got it on wax right it was recorded the tank was running baby I know y'all heard it and let me say this before you before you um check out this is for all of your female women listeners that are in a relation that are married let me let's just let's clear it come on now come on if you're married the conversation is different than if you just coupled okay like when I talk to dudes and they're going through it and they ain't married I asked my son this one day yo is she the one before I give you this advice
67:30 - 68:00 like is this the long game like it and if they say yes the advice that I share is gonna be different but if you're married and you're in a committed relationship both of you you do everything you can to do the personal work and then the relationship work to make it work because that's what you committed to right barring physical like I don't do the I don't play that like if he put his hand and watch this if she put her hands on you because it worked both ways they do or you put your
68:00 - 68:30 hands on her before there can be a because I heard you asked this question before before we can reconcile there needs to be some work outside work because you did that because you can't control your temper your emotion you got a low IQ so if you're in a relationship do the personal work and then do the relationship work if you are coupled up stay with the personal work there's no need for you to do relationship work until you actually have a relationship
68:30 - 69:00 there's sex ships there's date ships there's conversationships relationships are something that you're going to commit to you ain't got to live together but like yo I'm in a committed relationship you don't necessarily have to be married but if you are saying yo I'm committed to this then that means you do the work but if you just like and we know if you're just smashing stop playing yeah right like just say yo I'm I'm we just I can't that'll save some time and some heartache
69:00 - 69:30 oh Coach man I appreciate you great man Bianca gang great game I appreciate you here for making a third visit to the show in the podcast baby yes please you guys listen y'all need to understand I need everybody to know that we are doing a live show on Monday and Wednesday nights at 8pm and we want you there that's when we engage with you y'all watching the conversation is cool but in that conversation we answer your questions we going back and forth yeah it's off the chain and for my YouTube members Ryan talked about the membership
69:30 - 70:00 make sure you sign up for the membership because you can submit your topics you can submit your issues requests and here literally this whole episode was for one of our members we're gonna literally craft the answers for you we're gonna find the people to get you right so thank you so much for tuning in for another episode take action on what we just talked about thank you again coach appreciate you for being here and listen hardly initiated we are out