Emotional Negotiations | How To Negotiate With A Family Member? | Derek Gaunt

Summary

In this insightful talk, Derek Gaunt dives into the complexities of negotiating with family members, where emotions and nostalgia often trump logic. Using amusing anecdotes, Gaunt demonstrates the art of labeling and reversing labels to uncover underlying intentions. He stresses the importance of understanding the other party's emotional connections and intent, rather than simply pushing logical arguments. Gaunt's teachings, drawn from real-life scenarios, offer valuable lessons in empathy and strategy, highlighting the fine line between influence and manipulation. This presentation is an essential guide to fostering meaningful and considerate negotiations in personal relationships.

Highlights

• A story of a couple debating between real and artificial Christmas trees showcases emotional negotiation dynamics. 🎄
• Highlighting how a fundraiser connects with donors by understanding their intent and emotional triggers. 💰
• Discussing the use of mislabeling to gain hidden insights during negotiations. 🔍
• The importance of remaining open to unexpected opportunities in negotiations. 🤝
• Illustrating that the intent behind negotiation techniques determines their ethical application. ⚖️

Key Takeaways

• Negotiating with family often involves emotional debates where logic may not prevail. 🤔
• The power of labeling and reversing labels can reveal deeper motives and emotional ties. 🎯
• Understanding intent is crucial—differentiate between influence and manipulation. 🧠
• Emotional connections, like nostalgia, play a significant role in choices. 🌲
• Effective negotiation involves empathy and strategic communication. 💬

Overview

In the world of negotiation, family discussions can often become emotional minefields. Derek Gaunt kicks off his talk with a humorous story about a couple debating over real versus artificial Christmas trees, underscoring how such decisions are charged with nostalgia and personal significance. This sets the stage for understanding that logic may have little place in emotionally driven family negotiations.

Gaunt emphasizes the utility of labels and their reversals in negotiations. Through engaging anecdotes, he demonstrates how a simple label or the flipping of one can unearth underlying truths and motivations. These skills are likened to a Jedi's use of the Force—powerful yet dependent on the user's intent. He cautions against the manipulation of these techniques, encouraging intent-focused communication.

The seminar's roots in real-world scenarios illustrate the nuances of negotiation, from touching on the emotional weight of the Girl Scouts to tales of shrewd real estate deals. Gaunt urges his audience to maintain flexibility and openness during negotiations, allowing for unexpected opportunities to arise. His approach blends empathy with strategy, making it clear that successful negotiation is much more about understanding than about simply winning.

Chapters

• 00:00 - 01:00: Introduction and Scenario Setting The chapter begins with a brief introduction to the scenario setting approach. The narrator outlines the plan to present a story through slides, seeking insights from the audience. The initial scenario involves a husband and wife discussing the merits of an artificial Christmas tree. The husband sees it as a cost-effective solution due to its long-term use, but the wife struggles to understand its value.
• 01:00 - 03:30: Emotional Significance of Christmas Trees The chapter discusses the emotional significance of Christmas trees, highlighting the convenience and practicality of artificial trees. After a few years, they become quite simple to maintain; you just fold the branches back, tuck it into a box, and store it until the following year. Some even come pre-decorated, with lights included, making the process even easier. Additionally, artificial trees seem to be less tempting for pets, reducing the likelihood of animals damaging them or making them their playground. This eliminates the issue of stepping on pine needles, which is a common downside of real Christmas trees.
• 03:30 - 05:30: Labeling Techniques and Intentions This chapter delves into the various labeling techniques and the intentions behind them. The narrator begins with an anecdote about having to drag a Christmas tree to the curb in August, expressing frustration towards the garbage collectors who failed to pick it up for recycling. The incident is used to illustrate broader themes of convenience and sensory experiences associated with Christmas, including the sights, sounds, and smells that are significant to the narrator.
• 05:30 - 09:00: Application of Labels in Fundraising The chapter revolves around nostalgic memories associated with holiday traditions, specifically focusing on sensory experiences like the smell of baking and Christmas music. The speaker shares fond memories of their mother’s baking and the family tradition of selecting a Christmas tree, highlighting the cherished childhood experiences related to the festive season.
• 09:00 - 12:30: Mislabeling and Real Estate Negotiation This chapter delves into the emotional significance and personal memories attached to holiday traditions, such as choosing and decorating a Christmas tree. The conversation touches on nostalgic recollections of family activities and the attempt to recreate those cherished moments for the next generation. Additionally, the chapter explores the subject of labeling, using the labeling of a Christmas tree experience as a metaphor for how people assign meaning to their memories and experiences.

Emotional Negotiations | How To Negotiate With A Family Member? | Derek Gaunt Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 all right so let's go through this real quick I'm going to lay out a little story for you on each one of these subsequent slides you tell me what the appropriate label would be from your perspective using a label to gather an Insight at this particular situation was a husband and wife they're in a discussion the husband cannot understand why she cannot get her head around the value of an artificial Christmas tree makes too much sense to him it's expensive but usually pays for
• 00:30 - 01:00 herself after the third year or so clean up easy all you got to do is bend the branches back up throw that doggone thing in the box and put it back in the garage until the next year some of them come pre-decorated they got lights in them already how easy is that the dogs show less of an appetite we're making the tree their own if you know what I'm saying um and I'm not still stepping on pine
• 01:00 - 01:30 needles in August because I had to drag that thing out to the curb I don't have to be angry with the garbage people who say they're going to come pick it up for the recycling and then two weeks later it's still on the curb it's a no-brainer and the wife says Christmas for me it's more than just about convenience it's about sites it's about sounds it's about smells
• 01:30 - 02:00 and I remember as a kid growing up the smells that used to come out of the kitchen when my mother was baking the sounds of Christmas music being played throughout the house smell of pine in the living room something that I will always cherish I remember going to Christmas Tree farms and picking out the tree that we wanted
• 02:00 - 02:30 cutting it down tying it to the roof of the car driving at home and putting it up and it was almost like a party at our house and those are the kinds of memories that I'm trying to recreate for our children how do you label that seems she said seems like a real Christmas tree means a lot to you actually the label that he hit her with was it seems like he had real Christmas
• 02:30 - 03:00 trees growing up and then she went on about the power of a real Christmas tree in her childhood and Nostalgia that it created for her so I'll leave it up to you guys to guess what kind of tree they wound up getting nope he he backed down from that one yeah that would have gone over well so hey real quick I want to I want to I
• 03:00 - 03:30 want to highlight that for a second what was your label seems like you're stuck in the past you hear how easy that rolled off his tongue let me tell you something folks you're going to feel the urge to want to jab at people with these labels you're gonna you're gonna You're Gonna Wanna Do it you're gonna feel that urge I will tell you that if you can taste how good the words are going to taste when they come out of
• 03:30 - 04:00 your mouth and go into their ear they're probably the wrong word for you to be used [Laughter] yeah Stone's not gonna rescue you in that yeah but resist that urge to try to jab at people with this stuff this these skills can be used for good or evil they are just like the force in fact some people they're usually the ones who haven't had a lot of experience with us say well what you're talking
• 04:00 - 04:30 about sounds like manipulation and it was either Sandy or Barbara one of you guys talked about it earlier what's the difference between manipulation and influence intent what's your intent all of you uh in this room all of you in this room have one of these right all of you use these on a regular basis do you know there are people on this planet that use these for nefarious and
• 04:30 - 05:00 sometimes illegal purposes and yet you still use yours huh well the Black Swan skills are the same way can you use them to get over on people without question we don't espouse it we don't teach it and we will never back your play in that regard something subtle something hidden fundraiser trying to match up a donor with a charity she's done her homework on this lady this lady has an affinity for the Girl Scouts of America so she's put together
• 05:00 - 05:30 a portfolio five to six projects hanging in the balance is 5K she brings the woman into the office they sit in the conference room she opens the portfolio and she starts to slide projects proposals ideas across the desk and this is what she's getting from the other side of the desk
• 05:30 - 06:00 thank you foreign project that she slides across the desk it gets slid back to her nothing's been said to this point what are you going to do with that how are you going to label that so you're talking about labeling affect what are you seeing what is your intuition picking up on seems like you're not connecting with any of these projects
• 06:00 - 06:30 I love that hey when they tell you no there is something that they would say yes to so you need to flip side that label give it to me again seems like you have a specific project in mind if everything I've given you is not working that means you've got something else in mind he just flip-flopped that label every label has a reverse or an opposite or a flip side nicely done who else
• 06:30 - 07:00 what are you picking up on she's shaking her head she's furrowing her brow she's pursing her lips maybe you missed it maybe you need to say what else is important no question your intention is good put it in the form of a label perfect in the back seems like you all you guys are all
• 07:00 - 07:30 doing fantastic what she hit her with was I'm sensing some hesitation with these projects now say you picked up somebody's paying attention she says it's I'm sensing some hesitation with these projects well this person this this fundraiser she had been around the block with us for many years and she was at an expert level if you will at the time and so she had started to experiment with some different language I'm P I'm keeping you guys in a
• 07:30 - 08:00 box right now because I want you to get your sea legs under you once you get your sea legs under you you're well beyond 67 repetitions then you can start to play with it she says I'm sensing some hesitation with these projects the response that she gets is yes there is hesitation with the project I'll tell you why I know for a fact that these projects are going to be held in a public place that these projects or these uh programs are held in the public place the likelihood that girls who are not affiliated with the Girl Scouts of
• 08:00 - 08:30 America are going to take part in it it's very real and I do not want my money going to support a program where the girls aren't 100 vested in the Girl Scouts of America how do you label that sounds like you really love the Girl Scouts that's the surface level not bad not great somebody go deeper what is she really saying
• 08:30 - 09:00 sounds like the Girl Scouts of America have made a difference in your life that's going on a deeper level what else somebody give me something different sounds like you want a private venue what else foreign who said that beautiful sounds like you'd like to have more girls involved with the Girl Scouts of America what she said was it seems like it's important for you that I find the right match the girl the woman of
• 09:00 - 09:30 the girl the woman wrote her a check for 5K paid the order of left blank she slid it across the desk and said I know you'll do the right thing Miss labels when something doesn't add up something is confusing you this is a mixed-use building in the historic area of this town nothing's going up nothing's getting torn down the building is at 98 occupancy basically people are lined up around the block to become tenants of this building
• 09:30 - 10:00 and for all intents and purposes the owner is in the building in the basement printing money and the building is for sale you're a real estate agent new to a brokerage they give you this as a lead what do you want to know right off the bat that's what I want to know if this is a mixed-use building a historic part of town and he's printing money in the basement why would he ever
• 10:00 - 10:30 sell this building I want to know our guy knows that the question why makes people defensive so he doesn't want to make the listing agent defensive so he formulates a Miss label and he says it seems like the seller must not have confidence in the future of this Market if the buyer or seller is trying to sell this cash cow
• 10:30 - 11:00 you didn't know if it was correct or not but he threw it out there the response that he got from the listing agent was no inexperienced real estate agent that's not what it is at all my client is underwater on several properties and he's got to start liquidating as fast as possible the desire to correct is irresistible
• 11:00 - 11:30 there is no way that you can convince me that the seller gave the listing agent permission to release that kind of information to anybody let alone a prospective buyer and so he quickly realized that he could get this building for pennies on the dollar he ran back to his brokerage and that's exactly what they did they wrote of the contract and bought the building for pennies on the dollar
• 11:30 - 12:00 he missed something though what did he miss what other deals don't be so sure about what you want that you wouldn't take something better if it came along underwater on several properties several as in two several as in 20. what does that mean
• 12:00 - 12:30 he left money on the table for the price that they were going to pay for that one building there's no telling how many more they could have bought but he was so focused on where he wanted to end up he didn't take something better when it came along