How to self regulate while parenting EXAMPLE

Summary

Highlights

• Being a parent requires reparenting yourself, especially if your childhood was complicated. 🌱
• Mastering self-compassion and emotional regulation can make you a better parent. 🌟
• Acknowledging unwanted behaviors and understanding their causes is part of self-compassion. 🤗
• Naming your emotions reduces their intensity and aids in emotional regulation. 💡
• Taking breaks when overwhelmed can prevent actions you'll regret. 💤

Key Takeaways

• Reparenting oneself is crucial to breaking generational trauma and becoming a better parent. 🚀
• Self-compassion is essential for managing unwanted behaviors in stressful parenting situations. 💪
• Recognizing and naming emotions can reduce their intensity and lead to better emotional regulation. 🧠
• Stepping back and taking a break can prevent acting out of character when overwhelmed. 🛑
• Emotional validation leads to mental clarity and restores trust in oneself as a parent. 🌟

Overview

Chapters

• 00:00 - 00:30: Introduction to Self-Regulation in Parenting In the chapter titled 'Introduction to Self-Regulation in Parenting,' Kate, a marriage and family therapist, emphasizes the importance of being a good parent to oneself in order to better parent one's children. She highlights two key skills necessary for self-regulation: self-compassion and her own 'bend method' for emotional regulation. Kate shares a personal experience with her nine-month-old child to illustrate how she applies these skills in real-life situations.
• 00:30 - 01:00: Importance of Self-Compassion The chapter titled 'Importance of Self-Compassion' discusses the necessity of reparenting oneself when dealing with a complicated relationship with one's parents. It highlights that if individuals did not receive what they needed from their parents, they should attempt to break the cycle of generational trauma by reparenting themselves, particularly if they have children. The chapter emphasizes that self-compassion is the number one skill needed in this context, as parenting can be exhausting and overstimulating. It also addresses how unresolved grief from one's childhood and past traumas can surface during parenting, making self-compassion even more crucial.
• 01:00 - 01:30: Understanding Unwanted Behavior The chapter emphasizes the challenges faced in parenting, particularly for individuals with trauma or diagnoses such as ADHD, autism, or personality disorders. Parenting is highlighted as the most crucial job, not only for the individual's growth but also for societal change. Despite its importance, the text points out that parenting is a skill many are not formally taught, though resources and role models do exist. The underlying message is that self-parenting is necessary and impactful.
• 01:30 - 02:00: Learning from Emotions In this chapter, the focus is on learning from emotions, particularly through the lens of self-compassion. The narrator emphasizes that self-compassion is essential in preventing unwanted behaviors. It's described as the opposite of shame, highlighting that feeling shame after an undesired action, like yelling, is normal and can be healthy as it signals changes are needed. Practicing self-compassion involves recognizing these unwanted behaviors and addressing them, which is a crucial step in emotional learning.
• 02:00 - 02:30: Managing Parenting Challenges This chapter delves into the challenges of parenting, particularly how to manage personal frustration and practice self-compassion. It emphasizes learning and rebuilding trust in oneself as part of the reparenting process. A practical example is shared: the author describes feelings of annoyance with a nine-month-old's erratic schedule, highlighting the importance of recognizing personal limits and taking a step back to prevent regretful actions. The chapter underscores the necessity of self-awareness and patience in parenting.
• 02:30 - 03:00: Practical Strategies for Self-Compassion The chapter is about recognizing when one's behavior is stepping out of character and understanding the underlying need to take a break as part of self-compassion. It emphasizes the role of self-compassion in managing unwanted behavior, which often stems from unmet needs. The narrator shares a personal strategy of addressing intense feelings by taking a break and practicing self-compassion, acknowledging the break as an achievement in self-care.
• 03:00 - 04:00: Breaking Generational Cycles The chapter titled 'Breaking Generational Cycles' explores the emotional challenges and pressures of parenting. The speaker expresses their frustration about the lack of control over their schedule and acknowledges the difficulties faced by stay-at-home parents, whether full-time or part-time. They emphasize the importance of self-compassion, allowing oneself to feel and acknowledge the need for personal space without guilt. This act of self-care and understanding helps in addressing and potentially breaking generational cycles of self-criticism and unrealistic expectations.
• 04:00 - 05:00: Real-Life Example of Self-Regulation The chapter provides a real-life example of self-regulation by highlighting the importance of identifying external factors contributing to emotional reactions. It emphasizes the technique of 'name it to tame it,' where acknowledging and naming one's feelings can reduce their intensity. The narrative reflects on the experience of anger and the importance of recognizing emotions to better manage them through self-compassion and awareness.
• 05:00 - 05:30: Conclusion: Empowering Parents This chapter explores the significance of self-awareness and emotional management for parents. It highlights the importance of recognizing and naming emotions to deal with challenging situations effectively. The narrator shares a personal experience of managing frustration and disappointment when dealing with a child's refusal to sleep. By taking a break and practicing self-compassion, the narrator is able to assess the situation calmly. This approach underscores the empowerment that comes with emotional regulation and the ability to better handle parenting challenges.

How to self regulate while parenting EXAMPLE Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 To be the best parent to your kids, you need to be the best parent to yourself. And you need to master two skills to get you there. The first one is self-compassion. And the second one is my bend method to emotionally regulate. I may have gotten really upset with my nine-month-old this morning. And I'm going to show you how I use these two skills to get through it. My name's Kate. I'm a marriage and family therapist. I help people restore their relationships. And recently I've been making videos on arangement and
• 00:30 - 01:00 parenting. I think the best thing anybody can do in their life is reparent themselves if they have a complicated relationship with their parents and they did not get what they need. The best thing to do and what you have to do if you have kids is reparent yourself. Otherwise, you're going to continue the cycle and pass on the generational trauma. The number one skill is self-compassion. This is because you are going to have a lot of unwanted behavior when you're taking care of kids. It is an exhausting, overstimulating job, especially if you're going through your own grief about how you were parented. Especially if you have childhood trauma,
• 01:00 - 01:30 especially you have any kind of trauma, especially if you have any diagnosis, ADHD, autism, personality disorders, like parenting is going to be really tough, but it is your most important job and you have to parent yourself. We cannot continue the way we are going as a society and it starts with parenting. It's the biggest job you will ever have, the most important one. At the same time, no one taught you how to do it. Like, no one taught you how to do it. Yes, there's a lot of resources. Yes, there's a lot of people doing it well out there, but on a day-to-day basis, no
• 01:30 - 02:00 one is telling you how to do it from the bottom up. And that's what I'm going to teach you. To prevent unwanted behavior, we have to have self-compassion. The first thing is you are not your behavior. That is what self-compassion is. Self-compassion is the opposite of shame. When you yell at your kid, you're going to have shame. That's normal. And that is actually healthy because it's like bing bing bing. We don't want to be doing this, right? Self-compassion is saying, okay, I'm noticing this unwanted behavior. I'm noticing I'm yelling. I'm noticing that.
• 02:00 - 02:30 What are the factors that are going into this? Because what I want to do in this situation is learn. I want to rebuild trust with myself and I want to learn. That's what these two skills do as you're reparenting yourself as a parent. I was so annoyed at my nine-month-old this morning. Her schedule feels different every day. I caught myself and I was trying to put her down for a nap. I caught myself and she was crying. I had to leave and take space cuz I was sitting here like, "Oh my god, like shut up. Be quiet." And I was just like, I'm going to do something I I regret if I don't step out. That's self-compassion.
• 02:30 - 03:00 That's noticing that I am getting to a point where I'm going to step out of my character and do something I don't want to do. So, step out. The need here is a break. That's self-compassion. So, this is a like self-compassion comes through every step. And I'm going to explain everything. I notice myself getting upset. Go back to self-compassion. I'm like, "Okay, Kate, just take a break. Like, this is what you need." All unwanted behavior comes from unmet needs. Take a break. All right. Then self-compassion is like, "Okay, I have a break. Good job." I'm feeling so intense right now. So, intense. What are the
• 03:00 - 03:30 factors contributing to this? What are the factors contributing to this? I'm tired. I haven't eaten. I was planning on doing this video today. I like had this in my mind of a schedule and it's not going to schedule and I don't have control right now and I'm really pissed off. Okay, that is self-compassion. That is giving myself the benefit of the doubt as to why I'm feeling that way and why I need space. You're not a bad mom cuz you need space. Like, geez, this job is tough every day. If you're stay at home full-time, it's tough. If you stay at home one day a week, if you're with your kid for 2 hours, it's tough. We did
• 03:30 - 04:00 a break. I sat down. I was like, what are the external factors contributing to the intensity of my reaction right now? Let me validate that. What I'm doing is saying, Kate, this is hard, sweetheart. It's hard. God, it's hard. When you do that, your body like name it to tame it. That's what self-compassion is. You're naming your experience and neurobiologically the intensity will go down. Name it to tame it. Noticing all the factors and then I'm asking myself like this feels like anger. It feels just like so much. What am I actually feeling? Emotions. Name the emotions to
• 04:00 - 04:30 tame the emotions. That is the deal. This is the deal, people. I felt myself getting really mad that she wouldn't go to sleep. Okay. Caught myself. Kate, it's okay. Take a break. This is what you need. Take a break. And I'm self-compassion. What is happening right now? I'm tired. I'm hungry. I didn't expect this. I don't want this to be the rest of the day. I'm scared I'm going to lose this idea for a video that I planned and that means this and this and this. I'm disappointed. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. So, naming all these particular emotions is going to point to
• 04:30 - 05:00 more of what I need. Rebuilding trust with yourself, reparing yourself is doing this process. Okay, I'm scared. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm disappointed. Disappointment means I had an expectation. Fear means I'm scared I'm gonna lose something. I'm coming from a place of lack. Like the universe isn't gonna help me out. And that's okay. You're human. You have emotions. You have to validate yourself. If you are just like, okay, I'm yelling. I need space. You're just like, Kate is like, just pray about it. Like that's called spiritual bypass. That is not processing
• 05:00 - 05:30 your emotions. If you're just like, Kate, baby is having a hard time. They're not giving you a hard time. That's bypassing your emotional experience. That will come naturally when you feel your feelings. Mental clarity is on the other side of feeling your feelings. You can't think your way out of overthinking. You have to feel it. Thinking and emotions are the same energy. That's why when you're overthinking, you feel fogged up out here. If you address the fire on the bottom floor, the smoke will go away. It will. You cannot bypass your emotional experience. You cannot do that because that is suppression. You will not get
• 05:30 - 06:00 anywhere. You will not learn. You will not rebuild the trust lost with your body. You will not calm your nervous system. you will not be able to problem solve in a way that makes your day-to-day more sustainable for you and your kids long term. So, I'm angry. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. Frustration is like her schedule seems different every day. Maybe she's going through a growth spurt. Like, maybe I'm missing some information here. These emotions are so important because they point you to what you need. I'm disappointed. I have an expectation. Is that expectation based in reality? I mean, she's 9 months old.
• 06:00 - 06:30 She's going to be different every day. Naming this stuff so you can point to what you need. Self-compassion is like, "What do I want big picture? What do I need to learn here? What is the lesson here? What do I want? I don't want to yell. I dared to lose this idea for a video." Like, so you're going back here. You're meeting your needs as you're being self-compassionate. You're saying, "What do I really want here?" Desires plus emotions are life force. Then you act on it. Then you act on it. You're like, "Okay, Kate, you did such a great job that you took space when you were upset. Hell yeah." That is breaking
• 06:30 - 07:00 generational cycles. You in your head are your biggest champion. You're not being passive like, "Hey, you're a good mom. Don't worry about it." That's being passive. You're not shaming yourself, criticizing yourself like, "Come on, you can do better. Come on. Come on." Like, that that is shame. That is criticism. And that's not your voice. Remember, that's not your voice. You learned that. And I'll get to that in another video. How to actually break that down because this process is going to be very difficult if you don't know whose voice is is whose. But the desire here is the action and the idea of what you want to
• 07:00 - 07:30 do instead. in this situation this morning. She doesn't go down for another hour, which means I'm like in the common area with her. She eventually looks tired, so I put her down. She goes to sleep, but it's only for 30 minutes. And I had just been like calming myself down. I had just calmed myself down. You know what? We're going to go on a walk. I have all this energy. I cannot sit here. I still need space. I still need like mental space because I need to figure out when else I'm going to record a video today. Okay, I still need space. A walk will give me that. She's in a stroller. I need space. We're going to I
• 07:30 - 08:00 have all this pent up energy. We're going to go. We went on a walk. We went to the store. We went got some breakfast. I had some energy in me. And so this whole time I'm like, "Hey, trust the universe. If you're going to need to record a video, you will get there." We do all this stuff that I do. I'm present. We come back. She's exhausted. She's down for a nap in 2 seconds. I'm able to unload the things. And I'm mentally clear because I acted on my emotions. I acted on my needs. I acted on my desires. And now I'm real clear about myself. I have life force
• 08:00 - 08:30 because I'm not so suppressed and stuck in my feelings. I'm not stuck in shame and blaming her for those feelings. I'm actually processing it in real time. Reparenting myself, rebuilding trust with myself, being self-compassionate. Emotions themselves are not the bad thing. It's when you act on them from a place of suppression and like blaming your kids that you think that she's the one that's making me upset. Like she's not. It's because I have unmet needs and I don't know what I want and I don't know how to get there because I'm so overwhelmed. Now, guess what? I feel like a freaking boss. I feel like a
• 08:30 - 09:00 boss. I feel like I can do anything. And that's how you should feel, too. You deserve that, too. Being a stay-at-home mom, being a single mom, being a stay-at-home parent, watching kids, you are allowed life force. You are allowed desire. You are allowed negative emotions. It's processing them that actually makes them useful in a way that solves your problems, rebuilds trust with yourself, and where you can grow and learn.