Is limerence always bad?

Summary

In this enlightening video, Dr. Tom Bellamy delves into the complex phenomenon of limerence, an intense romantic infatuation that can feel euphoric yet potentially destructive. He explores whether it's possible to experience the positive aspects without succumbing to the negatives. Through personal anecdotes and scientific insights, Dr. Bellamy presents five potential benefits of limerance, including mutual happiness, energy boosts, creativity, self-development, and mood repair—each with its unique hazards. Ultimately, he emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and balance in navigating limerance, cautioning viewers to be mindful of when it becomes excessive.

Highlights

• Limerence is a euphoric but potentially addictive infatuation. 🌟
• There are five key benefits of limerence with certain risks: mutual joy, energy, creativity, self-development, and mood repair. 📈
• Mutual limerence, where both partners are in sync, can lead to deep and lasting relationships. 💘
• Limerance gives an energy boost that enhances cognitive performance and productivity. 🚀
• Creativity blossoms with limerence as it drives artistic expression like Dante's Divine Comedy. 🎨
• Limerance can spur personal growth by pushing you towards self-improvement goals. 🏋️‍♂️
• Mood repair via limerance is a mixed blessing, offering temporary escape but risking excessive daydreaming. 🌈
• Dr. Bellamy encourages a balanced approach to limerence, with self-awareness to prevent pitfalls. 🧘

Key Takeaways

• Limerence feels amazing in the euphoria phase, making life seem more vivid and profound. 😍
• Dr. Bellamy explores if you can enjoy limerence benefits safely without falling into obsession. 🤔
• Five potential benefits of limerence include mutual joy, energy boosts, creativity, self-development, and mood repair. ✨
• Mutual limerence can lead to lasting love when both partners share a healthy relationship. 💑
• The energy from limerence can improve productivity and creativity, making you feel supercharged. ⚡
• Personal growth and self-development can arise from limerence, even after negative experiences. 🌱
• Limerence can be used for mood repair, though it may lead to escapism if not carefully managed. ⚖️
• Balance and self-awareness are key to managing limerence without negative consequences. 🎯

Overview

Dr. Tom Bellamy presents an in-depth analysis of limerence, an intense form of romantic infatuation that can lead to profound happiness or potential downfall. The euphoria phase is captivating, but Dr. Bellamy poses the question: is it possible to benefit from limerence without facing its obsessive nature?

Throughout the video, Dr. Bellamy identifies five distinct advantages that limerence can offer, despite its risky side. These include mutual relationship joy, an energy surge, creative inspiration, opportunities for self-betterment, and even mood repair. However, each benefit comes with a caveat, as the line between pleasure and obsession can blur easily.

Ultimately, the video emphasizes the necessity of self-awareness and maintaining equilibrium in experiencing limerence. By understanding one's own tendencies and the dynamics of limerence, individuals can enjoy its invigorating effects while avoiding its more troubling aspects. Dr. Bellamy's insights are both educational and cautionary, urging viewers to engage in limerence wisely.

Chapters

• 00:00 - 00:30: Introduction to Limerance Limerance is described as an altered mental state characterized by profound romantic infatuation and an intense drive to form a bond. The initial phase, known as the Euphoria phase, is marked by heightened sensations, emotions, and perceptions, making life feel thrilling. However, as time progresses, this state can evolve into an addictive attachment to the other person.
• 00:30 - 01:00: The Dual Nature of Limerance: Euphoria and Obsession This chapter delves into the dual aspects of limerance, exploring how it can manifest as both a joyful and euphoric experience, as well as an obsession that can disrupt one's life. The chapter raises questions about managing limerance positively, such as whether it's possible to enjoy its benefits without falling into its destructive patterns. Tom Bellamy, a neuroscientist and writer, introduces himself as a guide through these questions, sharing insights from his blog 'Living with Lance'.
• 01:00 - 01:30: Exploring the Question: Is Limerance Always Bad? Exploring the nature of limerance, the chapter delves into the psychological and neuroscientific aspects of obsessive infatuation, referencing insights from a book called 'Smitten'. It raises a central question about whether limerance is inherently negative or if there are circumstances where it can be constructive or enjoyable. The discussion involves a hypothetical scenario posed to a community, questioning whether individuals would choose to eliminate their feelings of limerance if given an easy option to do so.
• 01:30 - 02:00: Community Insights on Limerance The chapter discusses community perspectives on limerance, highlighting varied responses. Two representative views are shared: one individual describes limerance as an intrinsic part of their personality that they wouldn't change, despite its challenges. They find the experience bittersweet, with both exhilarating highs and difficult lows. The sentiment captures the dual nature of limerance, encompassing both its positive and negative aspects.
• 02:00 - 02:30: Benefits of Limerance The chapter discusses the potential benefits of limerance, questioning whether its positive aspects can be separated from its negative, addictive qualities. It suggests that there are indeed five key benefits to experiencing limerance, although some are more indirect and one can be a mixed blessing. The discussion aims to explore these benefits and provide an understanding of the positive aspects of limerance.
• 02:30 - 03:30: Mutual Limerance and Lasting Love This chapter explores the concept of mutual limerence as a positive phenomenon in relationships. Mutual limerence occurs when both individuals experience intense, blissful emotions and are free to engage in a healthy, fulfilling relationship together. The chapter highlights the deep connection that can form through this shared emotional experience, referencing Simone de Beauvoir's ideas on deep pair bonding.
• 03:30 - 04:30: Energy Boost from Limerance The chapter titled 'Energy Boost from Limerance' discusses the intense bonding period known as limerance, which can often lead to lasting love. It acknowledges that while the initial fireworks of limerance represent an early stage, forming a bond and settling into a long-term relationship allows love to mature and evolve in character as limerance fades. This early stage is depicted as exhilarating and addictive.
• 04:30 - 07:30: Limerance as Creative Inspiration The chapter explores the concept of limerance, particularly as a mutually experienced euphoric state between partners. It discusses how this state, when part of a healthy pair bond, can be a positive and enjoyable experience. The overwhelming elation of mutual limerance is presented as a rare and valuable experience in life. Additionally, the chapter touches on the energetic boost provided by limerance, suggesting its potential usefulness as a source of creative inspiration.
• 07:30 - 09:30: Self-Development Through Limerance This chapter explores the concept of self-development through the lens of limerance. It builds on a previous video about the neuroscience behind limerance, emphasizing a key element: arousal. Arousal during limerance acts as a catalyst that energizes individuals, enhancing their cognitive performance by speeding up thought processes and thereby increasing productivity. The discussion centers on using the vitality that comes from limerance as a potential tool for personal growth and accomplishing tasks.
• 09:30 - 12:00: Mood Repair through Limerance The chapter discusses the concept of using early limerance, which is a state of infatuation, as a way to repair mood and boost productivity. It highlights how the energy boost provided by this emotional state can aid significantly in completing ongoing projects. However, it also notes that the increased drive and productivity often aim to impress the object of one's affection or 'liant.'
• 12:00 - 14:30: A Balanced Approach to Limerance The chapter "A Balanced Approach to Limerance" explores the concept of limerance and how it can be a driving force in achieving various life goals, such as improving relationships, progressing in work, or engaging in creative endeavors. Despite the initial motives not being necessarily noble, the energy and focus directed towards achieving these goals can lead to material improvements in life. The chapter suggests that while limerance might not always originate from the most virtuous intentions, the outcomes can still be positive and constructive, underscoring the potential benefits of harnessing this intense emotional focus in a balanced manner.
• 14:30 - 16:00: Conclusion: Navigating Limerance The chapter concludes by exploring the concept of limerance and its benefits, particularly in the realm of creative expression. It highlights how limerance can serve as a driving force for creativity, using historical examples such as Dante's The Divine Comedy, where the object of affection becomes an artistic muse. This illustrates the power of limerance to inspire and fuel creative endeavors.
• 16:00 - 16:30: Closing Remarks and Call to Action In the closing chapter titled 'Closing Remarks and Call to Action,' the discussion centers around Dante's profound admiration and infatuation with Beatrice, whom he elevates to the status of a guide through Paradise. This serves as an example of how profound personal attachments can inspire civilization-shaping creations. The narrative acknowledges numerous other examples, including the vast number of love songs motivated by similar emotions.

Is limerence always bad? Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 limerance is an altered mental state of profound romantic infatuation it's an intense drive to form a peir bond and it can feel amazing in the Euphoria phase of limerance colors seem more Vivid emotions more intense ideas more profound music more meaningful life is thrilling and bright at least at first but over time limerance can transform into an addiction to another person then
• 00:30 - 01:00 it becomes an obsession a fixation a compulsion a disruptive and destructive force that can upend your life so is it possible to have the good of limerance without the bad can you enjoy the benefits safely can you ride the wave without wiping out let's find out hi my name is Tom Bellamy I'm a neuroscientist and a writer and I blog all about limerance at livingwith lance.com I'm
• 01:00 - 01:30 also the author of the book smitten that explains how Neuroscience can help us understand obsessive infatuation and how to recover from it okay so time to answer the question is limerance always bad or can it be enjoyed responsibly so I once posed a question to the community at livingwith lance.com would you turn off your limerance if you could if you could just flip a switch uh in your brain and turn it off would you
• 01:30 - 02:00 choose to do that so there was a lot of variation in the responses but I think two that were quite representative were as follows I wouldn't turn it off it's part of my personality or has been it gave me such poignant and wonderful moments and memories and let me experience life in beautiful colors I just wish I could have handled it better it has been a Bittersweet experience that's how I would sum it up the highs are awesome one is literally on Cloud9 the those on the other hand suck big
• 02:00 - 02:30 time so are there any benefits can we have the good aspects of limerance without the bad or is it always going to be a dangerous game of kind of brinkmanship with addiction well I'd argue that the definitely are some benefits to limerance in fact I'd say there were five key benefits some are direct benefits some are a bit indirect and one of them is definitely a bit of a mixed blessing but let's go through them all and try and make sense of things
• 02:30 - 03:00 okay so I'd say the first example where limerance can be positive is mutual limerance so this is when both people experience limerance and they're both free to be able to form a healthy relationship together and enjoy those fireworks so mutual limerance feels amazing it's Blissful it's that everything that you wanted come to fruition so pair bonding in a very deep way way what Simone deoir called the
• 03:00 - 03:30 ecstatic Union and sometimes that very intense bonding period can be the Prelude to Lasting Love obviously the fireworks of limerance are only the early stage but once you form that Bond and you settle into a more intimate long-term relationship The Love Will mature it will change in character and the limerance will fade but that early stage feels Fant fantastic it's addictive
• 03:30 - 04:00 because it feels so good so if the peir bond is healthy and you're both experiencing uh the Euphoria of early liance it's fine to embrace it and enjoy it there aren't many experiences in life that compare to the overwhelming Elation of mutual limerance okay so a second time when limerance can be positive can be good is the energy boost that it can
• 04:00 - 04:30 give you so as I talked about in a previous video about the Neuroscience of limerance and Link down below a key element of limerance is arousal and arousal can make you feel supercharged it gives you a boost of energy it improves your cognitive performance your thoughts literally are faster are racing and it can help you to get things done so the sort of Vitality of limerance the
• 04:30 - 05:00 the Boost of energy that it gives you can massively improve productivity so if you have projects that are underway uh that need to be completed and you get that energy boost from early limerance it can be fantastic for helping you achieve more than you would under ordinary circumstances now if we're honest often that drive that energy that productivity is directed towards the goal of trying to impress your liant
• 05:00 - 05:30 object so that might not be the most noble of motives But ultimately it doesn't matter you'll still be achieving things you'll still be making progress on your goals and that may be you know work it may be improving relationships it may be building something creating something whatever that project is whatever you're directing your energy towards it will still make a material Improvement in your life now one of the common things that limerance do direct
• 05:30 - 06:00 that energy towards is what I would say is the third major benefit of limerance and that is creative expression so it's easy to think of examples where uh people have used limerance as a driving force for creativity so this is the sort of the idea of this other person becoming your artist's Muse so perhaps the most impressive example of this uh from from classical literature is Dante's epic poem The Divine Comedy
• 06:00 - 06:30 which is essentially a prolonged Adoration of beatric this woman that Dante was completely infatuated with and who he transformed into his literal guide through Paradise okay so that's an example of almost a civilization shaping creation but there are many many other examples of course think of all the love songs that have been inspired uh by an
• 06:30 - 07:00 all the poems all the stories so much of art is that attempt to somehow Express The Rapture of intense love of the desire for Blissful Union and creativity like that can be a way of kind of exercising the Romantic energy that limerance generates within you if you can almost sublimate all of that romantic energy into creating a
• 07:00 - 07:30 beautiful work of art then there's lasting evidence of how profoundly you were moved by this other person so really that's a positive way that you can respond to the idealization and the agulation of another person that you've become liant for is by directing that creative energy into to making
• 07:30 - 08:00 something wonderful okay so the fourth possible benefit uh from limerance is self-development so again this can arise from fairly cynical motives but many liant make the calculation that if they get more physically fit if they get stronger if they look better if they lose weight if they're healthier that will impress their liant object and improve their chances of actually connecting with them so many lants embark on a fitness program in order to
• 08:00 - 08:30 try and improve their health and improve their attractiveness uh and it can also manifest in things like taking better care of yourself with grooming and and the clothes that you choose to wear and things like that and generally just sort of presenting a better front to the world now that may not work your librant object may not take no notice of it but nevertheless you get the benefits okay generally speaking it will improve your Social Fitness as well if you take the
• 08:30 - 09:00 time and you take care over your appearance and your Fitness so it may be an indirect benefit in that it may not actually help you achieve your goal of uh forming a relationship with your liberant object but nevertheless you do get personal benefit as a consequence of that drive to improve yourself now the self-development benefits of limerance can even happen after things have gone wrong so if you've got yourself into the situation where you've become fixated
• 09:00 - 09:30 and become addicted and are starting to get those negative consequences of limerance the intrusive thoughts the involuntary drive you can still gain benefit from The Experience through self-improvement destructive limerance is like a life Quake It throws everything up in the air it disrupts your old belief systems your self-image your goals your desires but you can use
• 09:30 - 10:00 that as a driving force for personal renewal you can learn a lot about yourself from a bad bout of limerance you can learn about your drives you can learn about your romantic triggers you can learn about what psychological vulnerabilities may have made you succumb to that particular limerance episode you can try and understand better what it is that actually provokes romantic attraction within you what it
• 10:00 - 10:30 is that you're looking for you can understand more about your your subconscious and maybe do some of the personal development work of trying to understand what might have happened in your past to bring you to this present and to bring you to the the point of falling into limerance with somebody new okay so the fifth benefit of limerance is the one that I would say is definitely a mixed blessing so this is is using limerance for mood repair so
• 10:30 - 11:00 using the Romantic fantasy as a form of escapism Disappearing off into the kind of delicious Daydreams about what would happen if you were able to have a relationship with your liant object it's a way of getting kind of secondhand Bliss from imagining time together or remembering the good times that you've enjoyed previously with your liant
• 11:00 - 11:30 object scheming and dreaming about what you might do next how you might manage to secure their affections so that kind of daydreaming obviously makes you feel good in the short term it can be a coping strategy for periods of depression so it can be definitely a way of if you like self-medicating but the reason it's a mix blessing is that it can go too far and it can tip over into where you are focusing too much time on your imaginary life and not enough on
• 11:30 - 12:00 real life so this can get us into the Realms of what's been called maladaptive daydreaming where the Daydream world the fantasy world becomes more important to you and drives you into a state where you are neglecting real world responsibilities in order to get time alone to enjoy your Daydreams clearly that's not a benefit that's masking some other psychological need that you're not
• 12:00 - 12:30 facing and you're not addressing by perhaps being decisive and trying to see whether or not it's possible to form a relationship with your liant object but keeping yourself in the sort of safe realm of your own imagination rather than confronting the real world and actually taking action okay so those are five benefits that can be taken from limerance but is this actually a a game of brinkmanship as I said so to quote Winston Churchill who famously was
• 12:30 - 13:00 talking about his Herculean alcohol consumption I have taken more out of alcohol and alcohol has taken out of me so can we approach limerance in a similar way sort of thinking of it as a way that we can use the energy use the Creative Drive use it for self-improvement without suffering the negative consequences well I think it's possible uh but you do need to have a deep understanding ing of your liant
• 13:00 - 13:30 drives of the kinds of people that you become liant for of your actual situation in life at the time when you can feel that glimmer of lant Attraction for somebody new so you can make informed Intelligent Decisions about whether or not liance should be indulged so really this is all about building self-awareness and knowing when it's safe to embrace the glimmer of liant Attraction and unleash leash the dragon
• 13:30 - 14:00 of limerance energy limerance can be very invigorating and life affirming but only when it's directed well and like so much in life of course this is all about balance you don't want to mindlessly chase liant Thrills and get yourself in trouble but equally if you shut down that whole aspect of yourself and close it off it's almost like willingly sedating yourself and nobody really wants to live in that state of mind either so you need to know when it's
• 14:00 - 14:30 getting out of hand and to try and understand the factors and the forces that cause liance to develop you can watch this video up here this is about the five different phases of limerance and what pushes you from one phase to the next and the points at which you can best escape okay that's it for this video I hope you found it useful if you'd like more uh click to subscribe below I'll see you in the next video
• 14:30 - 15:00 thanks for watching