It took me 30+ years to learn what I’ll teach you in 10 minutes

Summary

Highlights

• Perfectionism is more than just a motivation to succeed; it's a trap of excessive self-criticism and fear of failure 😟.
• Studies have shown that perfectionism has increased at alarming rates, especially among the younger generation 🚀.
• The pressure to be perfect often originates from parental criticism and expectations, impacting one’s sense of self-worth 🤔.
• Perfectionism is linked to serious mental health issues such as anxiety and depression, and even physical health problems 🤕.
• Approaches like CBT and mindfulness are effective in managing and reducing the harmful impacts of perfectionism 🌿.

Key Takeaways

• Perfectionism isn't just about having high standards; it's linked with negative self-criticism and fear of failure 😬.
• Modern societal pressures have exacerbated levels of perfectionism, particularly among young people 📈.
• Parental influence plays a significant role in the development of perfectionist traits, often through criticism and unrealistic expectations 😕.
• Perfectionism is correlated with various psychological issues like anxiety, depression, and even physical disorders 📉.
• Therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and mindfulness can help manage perfectionist tendencies by promoting self-compassion 🧘‍♂️.

Overview

Chapters

• 00:00 - 01:00: Introduction to Perfectionism The chapter provides an introduction to the topic of perfectionism, emphasizing its complexities and the misconceptions surrounding it. The speaker reflects on personal experiences, highlighting the realization that perfectionism can have negative impacts despite previously viewing it as a positive trait. This shift in understanding aligns with recent research that challenges the traditional view of perfectionism as beneficial, pointing out serious consequences associated with it.
• 01:00 - 02:00: Traits Defining Perfectionism The chapter discusses the true nature of perfectionism, differentiating it from merely wanting to perform well or having high standards. It is characterized by an excessive desire to achieve beyond reasonable expectations, often associated with high self-criticism, mental ruminating, and a significant fear of failure. The author shares a personal revelation on the topic, acknowledging the uncomfortable truth and expressing a hope that understanding it better can help not just themselves but others as well.
• 02:00 - 04:00: Dimensions of Perfectionism The chapter 'Dimensions of Perfectionism' explores the significant increase in perfectionism over recent decades, particularly among young people. It identifies key traits associated with perfectionism, originally defined by Frost. These traits include excessive worry about making mistakes, setting high personal standards, frequent doubts about the quality of one's actions, perceiving high expectations from parents, feeling parental criticism, and a preference for organization and orderliness.
• 04:00 - 06:00: Causes and Development of Perfectionism The chapter titled 'Causes and Development of Perfectionism' explores the different dimensions of perfectionism that impact individuals. It draws upon research by Huitt and Flet, identifying three key types of perfectionism. Firstly, self-oriented perfectionism refers to individuals setting exceedingly high expectations for themselves. Secondly, other-oriented perfectionism involves imposing unrealistic standards and expectations onto others. Lastly, social prescribed perfectionism is the perception or assumption that others expect perfection from oneself. These dimensions illustrate the diverse ways in which perfectionism can manifest and affect both personal and social dynamics.
• 06:00 - 09:00: Consequences of Perfectionism on Mental and Physical Health The chapter titled 'Consequences of Perfectionism on Mental and Physical Health' discusses the origins of perfectionism and its types, focusing on three dimensions: self-prescribed, socially prescribed, and other-oriented. The narrator shares a personal experience, indicating a mix of all three dimensions in their life, with an emphasis on self-prescribed perfectionism. There's also an acknowledgment of socially and other-oriented perfectionism, as seen through their interactions with their partner, Greg. The chapter suggests that perfectionism can stem from various sources, including personal influences and societal expectations.
• 09:00 - 13:00: Link to Anxiety and Depression This chapter delves into the intricate relationship between anxiety, depression, and perfectionism. It explores the contributing factors to perfectionism, emphasizing both genetic predispositions and environmental influences, particularly focusing on parenting. Research discussed in this chapter highlights how parenting styles, especially those involving criticism and high expectations, are significantly connected to the onset and persistence of perfectionism. The chapter suggests that while genetics play a role, external factors such as parental pressure and expectations have a considerable impact on individuals' perfectionistic tendencies, potentially leading to anxiety and depression.
• 13:00 - 16:00: Therapeutic Approaches and Self-Compassion This chapter delves into the influence of family dynamics on personal development, particularly focusing on the concept of perfectionism. It highlights how even subtle family cues can shape one's self-expectations, especially when excellence is overly celebrated or when there is a facade of happiness that implies the need for perfection. The transcript discusses the impact of having perfectionist parents, noting that this often leads to the development of perfectionist traits in children. Additionally, it touches on the validation of childhood experiences by parents and its effect on attachment styles.
• 16:00 - 19:00: Conclusion: Balancing Perfectionism and Self-Worth The chapter discusses the impact of parenting on perfectionism, highlighting how unrealistic expectations and a lack of a safe environment can lead to low self-worth, shame, and anger in individuals. It explores how perfectionism is often a compensatory strategy to cope with invalidation experienced during formative years.

It took me 30+ years to learn what I’ll teach you in 10 minutes Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 All right, this video is going to be harder than normal. I want to go through all the research on perfectionism, what causes it, how it develops, how it affects your brain and body, and what you can do about it because it's taken me a really long time to realize how much of a negative impact perfectionism has had on my life despite struggling. Like, I always thought it was a positive thing. In fact, I was raised believing it was a badge of honor to be a perfectionist. But not only has more and more research come out challenging this belief and showing some extremely serious consequences for perfectionists,
• 00:30 - 01:00 but because it's taken me decades of my life to really face this uncomfortable truth, I thought learning more about it would not only help me, but hopefully other people out there, too. So, we'll start by clearing up something quickly. Perfectionism is not just wanting to do a good job or having high standards and goals. Psychologists actually define it as a personality style characterized by the desire to achieve way beyond what is reasonably expected and often linked with super high self-criticism, mental ruminating, and a major fear of failure. And research shows that levels of
• 01:00 - 01:30 perfectionism have skyrocketed over the last few decades, especially in young people, which we'll look at as well. But first, let's see if you relate to these traits used to measure perfectionism. First defined by Frost A. Do you have one excessive concern over making mistakes? Two, high personal standards. Three, doubts about quality of actions. Four, perception of high parental expectations. Five, perception of parental criticism. And six, preference for organization and orderliness. Ding
• 01:30 - 02:00 ding ding ding ding ding ding. We have a winner. If you're anything like me, that list probably just called you out pretty hard. Further research by Huitt and Flet identified three dimensions that perfectionists seem to fall into. Number one is self-oriented perfectionism or when you have your own super high internal expectations on yourself. Two is other oriented perfectionism which is when you put your high expectations onto other people expecting them to be perfect. And number three is social prescribed perfectionism which is the perception or reality that other people
• 02:00 - 02:30 impose unrealistic expectations on you like your parents or society. These three dimensions aren't mutually exclusive. So you could have a bit of all of them or you might identify more with one of them. For me, it's mostly self-prescribed perfectionism, but there's definitely a bunch of like social prescribed perfectionism going on in here, too. And I'm sure my partner Greg would say there's also some other oriented perfectionism that happens in our household. So, let's quickly talk about where perfectionism comes from and
• 02:30 - 03:00 how it develops. Not surprisingly, research shows it's partly your genetics and natural tendencies, but also your environment and external factors and how they interplay. But there's one factor in particular that research has really honed in on when it comes to perfectionism, and that is parenting. Study after study after study has linked parenting style and especially parental criticism and high expectations to not only the development but maintenance of perfectionism. This can range from the more obvious version like vocal criticism and pressure to achieve. But
• 03:00 - 03:30 it can also manifest from more subtle cues and family dynamics. Maybe you weren't highly criticized, but it was obvious that your family celebrated excellence and anything less was overlooked. Or maybe your family wanted to maintain an image of happiness and perfection to others, forcing a facade onto you. Research even shows that having perfectionist parents is a high predictor for you to be a perfectionist as well. But it really boils down to parents invalidating early childhood experiences. People with more secure attachment styles were typically given a
• 03:30 - 04:00 safe environment to self-explore and make mistakes, allowing them to find out who they are without fear of rejection or punishment. But for a lot of perfectionists, their parents may have invalidated these experiences by emphasizing mistakes or having unrealistic expectations, which can lead to a lower sense of self-worth, shame, and anger. Kieran and he'll suggest that the need to be perfect or appear perfect is a strategy that is adopted to compensate for, repair, and protect a
• 04:00 - 04:30 damaged sense of self-worth through obtaining the approval of others. And this type of attachment can lead to other psychological disorders too. In fact, this study on eating disorders found that perfectionism, perceived criticism, and parental expectations were significantly correlated with the presence of bulimic symptoms. Now, of course, our culture and societal pressure play a massive role in this, too. There's been a 32% increase in perfectionism among students between 1989 to 2016. But social prescribed
• 04:30 - 05:00 perfectionism has increased at basically double the rate of self-oriented and other oriented, which is super important to recognize. Like, give yourselves and your parents a bit of a break because the world itself is way more competitive than it ever was. There's a lot of external pressure to be high achieving along with the influence that even social media has on us. Constantly seeing people doing amazing things, perfecting their routines and bodies and celebrating all their successes. And all these factors lead perfectionists to a style of thinking called proverative cognitive style where it's really difficult to disengage from negative
• 05:00 - 05:30 thoughts. Constantly worrying about the future or replaying past mistakes becomes habitual, making you feel inadequate and anxious about making more mistakes. Your brain starts to see criticism and judgment even when it might not exist. And for many social oriented perfectionists, they feel that their desire to achieve is never satiated. Almost like it's an endless chase to a finish line that just keeps moving further and further away. And all these constant negative thoughts are then linked to emotional distress and health problems, which brings us to the consequences and impact of perfectionism
• 05:30 - 06:00 on your mental health and body. So, this is where I really want to emphasize that being a perfectionist isn't just like a cute and quirky trait. It's literally linked to a ton of physical and psychological disorders. There's research showing it's linked with pathways of physical stress, including ulcers, migraines, gastrointestinal issues, chronic fatigue, and even hypertension. One study even found a 51% increase in the risk of death for those who are high in self-expectations versus those who score low on scales of
• 06:00 - 06:30 perfectionism. People who have other oriented perfectionism struggle more with relationships, whether that be explicitly like adversarial or just simply having lower satisfaction in general in relationships. This also includes more interpersonal conflicts and issues at work. And though the link is not quite as strong in the research, many studies have correlated disordered eating with perfectionism as well. This can also be expressed as physical appearance perfectionism where one focuses so obsessively on looks or a perfect eating regime that it negatively
• 06:30 - 07:00 impacts other areas of their life. But perhaps the biggest standout is the many studies linking perfectionism to anxiety and depression. Interestingly, the research suggests it's not just correlation, but actually causation. That is, the higher you fall on the perfectionist scale, the more likely you are to be anxious and depressed. Fears of performing to real or imagined standards again result in shame, low self-esteem, and a diminished ability to cope with negative emotions, which ultimately makes one vulnerable to depression. Even middle school students with high scores in socially prescribed
• 07:00 - 07:30 perfectionism have higher rates of depression. Now, for many perfectionists, the increased anxiety is then linked to something else called anxiety sensitivity. that is becoming afraid of the symptoms of anxiety themselves, sometimes dubbed the fear of fear, which can be a predictor for more serious anxiety disorders. Because your perfectionism can trigger such intense emotions and anxiety, you then become afraid of triggering that. In more mild cases, this might result in an avoidance strategy, which means you stop doing things that you would otherwise want to
• 07:30 - 08:00 do simply to avoid these feelings. You know, maybe you've always wanted to be a musician, but your ambition just doesn't yet match your skill, and you're afraid to look dumb or not good enough. And as a result, you put off taking the next steps, and instead obsess over researching and organizing and thinking about the perfect ways to do it instead of actually just doing the thing you want to do. This may or may not be a biographical account. In more extreme cases, this has been seen to develop into things like OCD, panic disorders, and phobias. Again, social prescribed perfectionism is most strongly linked to both anxiety and depression. At its most
• 08:00 - 08:30 extreme end, studies have found a link between perfectionism and suicide. Of course, suicide is extremely complex and not just caused by one issue. But the negative thought patterns and inner critic can play a significant role in thoughts and behaviors. Studies on university students found that those who presented with both perfectionism and suicidal ideiation had two dimensions in common. One, reports of a history of parental criticism, and two, doubts about actions. Many men in particular commit suicide without any previous
• 08:30 - 09:00 mental health diagnosis. The truth is if you have a carefully constructed image of being perfect, being in control, and being extremely competent, then facing public setbacks can be really difficult to cope with. This is often dubbed the cracking facade because perfectionists are quite good at hiding their problems until it's very far gone and it can all break apart really fast. Studies find this is most true for self-oriented and societal dimensions of perfectionism. Whereas other oriented perfectionism is more associated with grandiose
• 09:00 - 09:30 personality disorders like narcissism. Okay. So what can we do? Because perfectionism is so multifaceted as in it's a problem in and of itself but it also makes other problems harder to deal with. Most the research suggests that it be dealt with as not only a primary problem but in conjunction with other diagnoses. And one of the main forms of treatment is not so surprisingly therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy is the most prominent and researched form for perfectionism and has shown success in lowering an individual's perfectionist score as well as lessening
• 09:30 - 10:00 unwanted emotions and negative thoughts. These studies have even found self-help and web-based versions of CBT to be effective. More recent research has shown success using mindfulness-based approaches, too, like acceptance and commitment therapy. They found that mindfulness lessens the cognitive and emotional load, especially for those who feel self-presentation is necessary to maintain for others. And these therapies can lower depression and anxiety levels. Interestingly, the research consistently brings up the idea of self-compassion. So, self-critical perfectionists who
• 10:00 - 10:30 don't really have the skill of self-compassion struggle most intensely and most often with anxiety and depression. And other research has confirmed that self-compassion is protective against depression. early and specific treatments seem to be best at nipping it in the bud, but it's never too late to reach out for help. Like I said, this is something I only really faced in my fourth decade of life. So, even though it wasn't easy, it took a really intense inner crisis for me and obviously a lot of therapy, I feel I've come a long way. And I really want to reiterate that it's never too late to
• 10:30 - 11:00 start changing your relationship to perfectionism. A lot of research suggests schools, both primary and secondary, consider implementing programs to help their students manage these increasing expectations and increasing rates of perfectionism to help build coping strategies and self-compassion. From my personal experience, something I've genuinely come to believe about myself and other people is that often your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness and vice versa. Like my perfectionism has definitely pushed me in ways that
• 11:00 - 11:30 have helped me and made me accomplish things that I'm super proud of, but it's also caused me like a ton of strife. And so right now, I feel like it's not about getting rid of it. It's not about fixing yourself. It's about really learning to to face it, to see it, to acknowledge it, to know when it comes up, and then to know which parts of that are actually useful for you, which parts are causing you strain, anxiety, depression, and which parts are like motivating you to do things that make you feel good. It's not so black and white, which is obviously a perfectionist way of thinking. I'm like, I either have to
• 11:30 - 12:00 have it or I have to get rid of it. No, you can be in that middle. Find a way to be self-compassionate. Find a way to know it's not always good, and then go from there. In all the research, something that really stood out to me was that while perfectionism is often defined as the fear of not doing things right, just as many papers define it as the fear of not being good enough. That hit me really hard and is a really powerful way to think about it. Like, are you chasing these things because you don't feel good enough? If you don't achieve your goals, can you still see your value? These are questions I
• 12:00 - 12:30 honestly have to ask myself and remind myself like the answer is yes. You can still have value when you fail. You can still have value when you don't hit your goals. And I really do believe that if you can spend time working on that internal sense of self-worth and not tie it so strongly to your work or accomplishments or things on the outside, that's worth spending a lot of time on. I really do hope this video has been useful to other people. It has mainly been for me to reflect this information back on myself cuz I know when I get in that perfectionist
• 12:30 - 13:00 mindset, it really takes me away and it's it's like nice to have this to kind of ground me and remind myself how to get back to the place of like focusing on that self-compassion, self-worth. But I appreciate it if you made it this far in the video and hope it's been useful. Thank you so much for watching. Make sure you like the video, subscribe, and we'll see you ASAP for some more science. Peace.