Neil: from 7 to 49

Summary

This transcript narrates the fascinating and sometimes tumultuous life journey of Neil, featured in a documentary series. From the innocent days at age 7 to challenges faced at 49, Neil shares his experiences transitioning through various stages of life. He speaks candidly about his educational pursuits, family dynamics, career ambitions, and personal struggles, including his stint with unemployment and his foray into politics. Throughout, Neil reflects on his relationship with his parents, grapples with personal failures and successes, and expresses a longing for stability—be it in career or personal life. Neil's philosophical musings on his purpose and the meaning of life highlight his persistent struggle to find contentment and identity in a world full of pressures and expectations.

Highlights

• Neil shares his initial aspirations and childhood imagination, painting vivid pictures of adventure and ambition 🗡️.
• Failed attempts at university acceptance leave Neil with lasting bitterness, but he uses this setback as a stepping stone for new adventures 🚪.
• Transitioning through jobs and living arrangements, Neil discovers a form of independence, despite societal norms 🏠.
• Personal reflections reveal a layered personality, grappling with familial expectations and personal identity 🙇‍♂️.
• Involvement in local politics signifies Neil's commitment to impact the community positively while wrestling with self-doubt ⚖️.

Key Takeaways

• Neil's journey exemplifies resilience despite life's hurdles, as he navigates through personal and professional challenges 🚀.
• Despite failing to get into Oxford, Neil pursues different paths, finding varying degrees of satisfaction and regret throughout his endeavors 📚.
• His reflections on family and upbringing reveal underlying tensions but also an understanding of his parents' ambitions for him 👪.
• Neil's involvement in politics shows a drive to contribute and make meaningful changes, despite personal doubts about capability 🎤.
• Embracing the importance of community, Neil finds solace in the smaller things and remains hopeful in his search for happiness 🌈.

Overview

From the playful sword fights of childhood to profound adult reflections, Neil's story captures a journey of transformation. Navigating through societal norms and personal ambitions, his narrative is one of resilience amidst adversity. The transcript highlights Neil's inner conflicts and aspirations, painting a picture of a complex yet relatable individual.

Education, or the lack of success in it, serves as a significant turning point for Neil, spurring a series of life decisions that include moving, relationships, and job ventures. His quest to find a place in the world is marked by passion, regret, and continuous search for meaning, where every setback seems to steer him to a new venture.

Through political involvement and community engagement, Neil attempts to forge a path of influence and impact. Despite internal struggles, including mental health considerations, he finds solace in simple joys and the promise of better days. The transcript encapsulates a life full of introspective moments, challenges turned opportunities, and a persistent search for purpose.

Chapters

• 00:00 - 00:30: Pretending with Swords The chapter "Pretending with Swords" describes a playful activity where the participants imagine having swords. They mimic the sounds and actions of sword fighting, such as clashing and stabbing, accompanied by dramatic sound effects like 'ah' to enhance the experience. The narrative then transitions into a reflection on the differences in outdoor experiences between rural and urban settings, particularly during winter. In a rural setting, the wet and open landscape lacks shelter, limiting outdoor activities. In contrast, a town offers numerous places to find refuge from the rain, allowing for more freedom to go out even on wet, wintry days.
• 00:30 - 01:00: Coming Home and Future Plans The chapter 'Coming Home and Future Plans' begins with the narrator describing their routine upon coming home, where they receive a cup of tea from their mother and then go out to play. As it gets dark, they return home and watch television. The narrator then shares their future aspirations of taking people on trips to the countryside and seaside, using a loudspeaker on the motor coach to inform passengers about their surroundings and itinerary.
• 01:00 - 02:00: Comprehensive School and University Experience The narrator expresses a personal decision not to have children, citing their behavior and the mess they create as a reason. Transitioning to a comprehensive school posed initial challenges due to its size, but with time, the narrator adapted and found the environment conducive to competition, which is deemed necessary to maintain effort and strive for health.
• 02:00 - 03:00: Dream of Oxford and Squatting Experience This chapter explores the speaker's feelings about wealth, social status, and personal aspirations. The speaker reflects on the pressure of trying to keep up with social leaders and the desire for wealth, emphasizing the lack of time for relaxation and the constant push to maintain a certain lifestyle. The chapter then transitions to the speaker's experience with university life, which was brief and unsatisfactory. The speaker admits to seriously engaging with university education for only a few months, suggesting that either the choice of university or the overall lifestyle did not match their expectations or suit their personality.
• 03:00 - 04:00: Living Independently and Beliefs The chapter centers around the narrator's reflections on applying to Oxford University. Despite applying, the narrator did not get accepted and contemplates whether attending Oxford would have actually made them happier. A significant motivation for the narrator had been encouragement from others and the inspiration drawn from notable figures who had attended Oxford, along with literature like 'Brideshead Revisited.' Ultimately, Oxford represented a dream heavily influenced by societal expectations and associations with fame.
• 04:00 - 05:00: Parental Influence and Individuality The chapter explores the concept of how parental expectations and societal norms shape an individual's path. The narrator reflects on personal experiences with school and attempts to reconcile with the disappointment of not getting into Oxford University. It highlights the struggles of overcoming personal setbacks and the emotional journey to acceptance, while touching on themes of personal growth and self-identity amidst societal pressure.
• 05:00 - 06:00: Reflections on Childhood and Life Attitudes The chapter discusses the author's journey and efforts to find accommodation in London. It highlights the moral dilemma around squatting in properties that are owned by others, with the author expressing a personal refusal to occupy someone's property without permission. The narrative concludes with the author finding a property that was empty, thus avoiding any conflict of conscience.
• 06:00 - 07:00: Ambitions and Reality In the chapter titled 'Ambitions and Reality,' the narrator reflects on their living situation and expresses gratitude for the opportunity to live in the current accommodation. Despite the unconventional nature of squatting, they emphasize the importance of humanity over rigid rules about housing. This chapter highlights the narrator's appreciation for having their own space, freedom to cook, and the absence of a landlord dictating their actions, noting that it surpasses many traditional housing options.
• 07:00 - 08:00: Life Choices and Stability The chapter "Life Choices and Stability" explores the speaker's reflections on the influence of their parents, particularly concerning religious beliefs. The speaker acknowledges that their parents instilled a belief in God from a young age, which has led to ongoing contemplation about their faith. This internal debate about belief in God highlights a journey of personal introspection and the impact of parental guidance on one's life decisions and stability.
• 08:00 - 09:00: Unemployment and Living Conditions The chapter 'Unemployment and Living Conditions' explores the profound impact of religious belief on personal survival and societal interactions. It reflects on teachings of Christianity, emphasizing the importance of putting others before oneself, even to an extreme extent. The narrative suggests that this mindset, while rooted in Christian doctrine, can lead to a degree of neuroticism as individuals prioritize others excessively over their own needs. This theme is discussed through the personal lens of someone deeply affected by these teachings.
• 09:00 - 10:00: Surviving on Social Security The chapter titled 'Surviving on Social Security' explores the narrator's reflections on personal upbringing and the lack of guidance from their parents. The narrator mentions an instance of learning to absorb a metaphorical shock, akin to metaphorically turning the other cheek, which they attempted to implement in their life decisions. The narrator expresses a sense of being unprepared for the realities of the world due to the absence of parental life lessons or practical guidance. This lack of parental support left the narrator feeling isolated, forced to navigate life's challenges independently and finding it difficult to discuss personal problems with their parents.
• 10:00 - 11:00: Social Interactions and Self-Perception The chapter explores the dynamics of social interactions and how they influence self-perception. It discusses the expectations set by parents, particularly in academic and career paths, and their potential disconnect from the child's self-view or aspirations. The chapter illustrates this through a narrative where the individual's parents, possibly unknowingly, imposed a career path envisioned for their child, such as a university lecturer or a bank manager, without considering other possibilities. This imposition can impact the child's self-perception as they navigate their personal aspirations versus familial expectations.
• 11:00 - 12:00: Educational Background and Obstacles The chapter explores the educational background and challenges faced by individuals, focusing on the lack of attention parents pay to their children's unique personalities and preferences. It highlights the desire for indoor work involving reading and writing, while emphasizing a common parental oversight in recognizing their child's individuality.
• 12:00 - 13:00: Personal Struggles and Unease In 'Personal Struggles and Unease', the narrator reflects on their relationship with their parents and their own sense of independence. They express relief in knowing that they have the option to move back in with their parents if they ever face homelessness. The narrator feels confident about cohabiting peacefully with their parents, provided they are treated as an independent adult with their own lifestyle choices. However, the chapter also touches on underlying feelings of drifting and uncertainty, as the narrator admits that moving back in with their parents would be due to a lack of other options or direction.
• 13:00 - 14:00: The State of Modern Society In this chapter titled 'The State of Modern Society', the speaker reflects on personal acceptance by others in relation to their life choices. The speaker shares that others have come to accept them for who they are, viewing their actions as a means of gaining more life experiences. Despite this acceptance, there is an acknowledgment that there are still concerns about their well-being. Overall, the chapter explores themes of self-acceptance, personal growth, and the balance between pursuing one's desires and the worries it may cause others.
• 14:00 - 15:00: Family Dynamics and Ambitions The speaker reflects on their family's past concerns when they initially left university, noting that their family's worries have not increased since then. Additionally, communication within the family has improved over time, as they have managed to discuss personal topics that the speaker once believed would be impossible to address. This improved dialogue has allowed the speaker to return home and live there for extended periods, such as a few weeks or even a month, without significant friction or conflict arising within the family.
• 15:00 - 16:00: Personal Values and Relationship Thoughts The chapter explores reflections on personal growth and changes in personality over time. The individual recalls watching films from their childhood and reflects on their past self, noting the marked difference in demeanor from being 'bright and perky' at age seven to becoming more subdued and thoughtful by age fourteen. The text reveals a curiosity about the internal factors that contributed to these changes and a consciousness of becoming more introspective with age.
• 16:00 - 17:00: Mental Health Reflections The chapter "Mental Health Reflections" delves into a personal reminiscence of childhood, characterized by fluctuating emotions and a carefree existence. The narrator reflects on how their world was defined by immediate sensations and experiences, without concern for future planning or social relationships. This idyllic view raises contemplations on the necessity of challenges to prepare children for interacting with the wider world.
• 17:00 - 18:00: Exploring Belief in God The chapter 'Exploring Belief in God' delves into personal reflections on one's upbringing, where the speaker perceives a lack of challenges in their early life. This absence of obstacles left them unprepared for future challenges. Despite recognizing this, the speaker admits the complexity and individuality of personal development, acknowledging that any changes to their upbringing might not be applicable or effective for others. The chapter concludes with the speaker expressing no desire to relive their childhood, as they value the growth and experience gained by reaching adulthood.
• 18:00 - 19:00: Coping and Future Concerns The chapter titled 'Coping and Future Concerns' discusses the speaker's experiences and reflections on their younger years. During this time, they were very aware of the struggles associated with expectations from both parents and teachers. These expectations centered around the idea that the speaker, who was considered intelligent, needed to focus all their efforts on schoolwork. The speaker reflects on how they might have felt differently if they hadn’t been encouraged to pursue intellectual achievements. Finally, the speaker shares a personal decision about not wanting to have children in the future due to their perception of children’s behavior as consistently troublesome.
• 19:00 - 20:00: Living in the Shetlands The speaker discusses their life in the Shetlands, noting the challenges of maintaining a tidy home. They reflect on their ambitions, expressing a desire to hold a position of importance. Despite this dream, they doubt their capacity to handle the associated responsibilities. Nevertheless, they contemplate the idea of political involvement as part of their aspirations.
• 20:00 - 21:00: Community Involvement and Theater This chapter explores the theme of values, specifically happiness and stability, as discussed by the speaker and Peter. The speaker expresses a sentiment of lacking stability throughout their life and describes their actions not as rebellious, but rather as striving or 'kicking in midair' to maintain a sense of daily renewal and the ability to wake up each morning.
• 21:00 - 22:00: Theater Directing and Instincts The chapter titled 'Theater Directing and Instincts' reflects on the author's personal and professional journey over the past three years. Despite feeling that the days have been worthwhile, the author acknowledges a period of unemployment. During this time, they have traveled extensively within Britain and occasionally abroad. The underlying theme suggests the importance of instinct and personal growth in the field of theater directing.
• 22:00 - 23:00: Communication and Reception The chapter titled 'Communication and Reception' seems to focus on the personal stories and experiences of individuals who have had to adapt to changing living conditions. It starts with one person contemplating logistical decisions with luggage placement, hinting at a narrative around travel or moving. This individual relies on Social Security for income, highlighting themes of financial stability and security. The person has experienced a transient lifestyle, moving between different places, which has led to a sense of unsettlement. However, they are about to transition into more permanent accommodation, referred to as 'digs'. The chapter also touches upon Neil, who has been mentioned but not elaborated upon, suggesting that his story or perspective might be part of the broader theme of communication and the process of settling or adapting to new environments.
• 23:00 - 24:00: Personal Correspondence and Friendship This chapter discusses the lifestyle of a person traveling around Britain, with specific mentions of a summer spent on a farm in North Wales and a recent arrival in the western Highlands of Scotland. The narrative explores themes of living off state support, pondering if this leads to dependency or crime. The interviewed person expresses relief at not needing to resort to theft for survival, emphasizing a preference for this lifestyle to avoid loneliness.
• 24:00 - 25:00: Political Aspirations and Reality In the chapter titled 'Political Aspirations and Reality', we follow Neil, who shares his experiences of living on limited means. Despite financial constraints that occasionally leave him without a place to go, Neil resourcefully finds temporary housing and employment. His last job was as a cook and cleaner in a youth hostel, where his ability to speak French proved beneficial. Despite the challenges, Neil manages to eat daily. This narrative highlights the struggle between political ambitions and the harsh realities faced by individuals like Neil.
• 25:00 - 26:00: Involvement in Politics In this chapter titled 'Involvement in Politics,' the speaker reflects on their experiences living in a rural mountainous area compared to urban settings. They note that in the mountains, life is more challenging, and there's less small talk about trivial matters like the weather because it's an obvious and pervasive part of life. The speaker contrasts this lifestyle with their inability to engage in casual pub conversations in urban environments, indicating a preference for the direct and necessary communication style found in rural areas.
• 26:00 - 27:00: Aspirations Versus Reality The chapter "Aspirations Versus Reality" seems to explore the speaker's need for meaningful conversation over trivial chatter. They express a preference for discussing literature in quiet, rather than engaging in the typical noisy pub atmosphere. The speaker respects different ways people choose to relax but personally finds value in reflective discussions that hold significance.
• 27:00 - 28:00: Marital Status and Personal Reflections The chapter titled 'Marital Status and Personal Reflections' revolves around personal perceptions and reflections on social standing. The main character discusses being perceived as eccentric from a young age, specifically since the age of 16. The narrative delves into the experience of time and how the days can sometimes seem long, especially when contrasted against a backdrop of average circumstances and people. It reflects a sense of individuality against a societal norm, capturing a personal journey and introspection about past interactions and societal placement.
• 28:00 - 29:00: Countryside Living and Spirituality The chapter discusses the speaker's reflections on their educational journey, emphasizing the difference between perceived intelligence and actual capability. The speaker notes that they did not attend an environment where everyone was exceptionally intelligent, which prevented them from becoming arrogant. Upon entering university, they realized they were not a genius, which was a humbling and beneficial realization. The speaker attributes their academic success not to innate intelligence but to their enthusiasm for subjects and the support of good teaching.
• 29:00 - 30:00: Faith and Political Work The chapter titled 'Faith and Political Work' discusses personal achievements in education and the limitations of formal education in preparing for life. A character reflects on their academic success, achieving 10 O-levels and 4 A-levels with satisfactory grades. However, they express the belief that real-life experiences and challenges are the true educators, suggesting that barriers encountered in life offer learning opportunities beyond what can be taught in school.
• 30:00 - 31:00: Voluntary Work and Community Service The chapter discusses the challenges one faces in university, specifically highlighting the issue of social integration with peers. It emphasizes the personal responsibility of overcoming these challenges to achieve success in the world. The speaker reflects on setting high standards for oneself and notes that while ambition is important, lacking sufficient challenges or obstacles can be problematic.
• 31:00 - 32:00: Family Ties and Loss In the chapter 'Family Ties and Loss,' the narrator reflects on their feelings about a past statement they made, noting a reversal in their situation. They now find themselves with freedom but nothing particular to do, indicating a sense of aimlessness or lack of purpose. The chapter captures the tension between newfound freedom and the void created by loss, possibly in the context of family or relationships.
• 32:00 - 33:00: Reflections on Relationships and Single Life The chapter explores the speaker's dissatisfaction with modern society, highlighting a lack of purpose and thoughtful living. The speaker criticizes the pursuit of trivial pleasures and the aimless nature of people's lives. The narrative suggests people spend weekends mindlessly consumed by television, only to begrudgingly return to work Monday, implying a cycle of unfulfilled existence.
• 33:00 - 34:00: Purpose and Appreciation of Life This chapter delves into the themes of societal brainwashing and the resulting doom it could lead to. It also explores individual lifestyle choices, contrasting suburban life with a more unconventional lifestyle. The speaker expresses a personal belief in their own way of life, acknowledging that outward appearances may not always align with internal feelings or identity.

Neil: from 7 to 49 Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 well we we pretend we've got swords and uh we make the noise of the swords fighting and stab us we go ah in the winter if you lived in a country well it was just all wet and there wouldn't be anything for miles around and you get and if you get soaked if you try to go out and there's no shelter anywhere except in your own house but in the town you can go out on on wet winry days cuz you can always find somewhere to shelter cuz there Lots of places when I go home
• 00:30 - 01:00 I come I come in and Mommy gives me a cup of tea and then I go out and play and um and when it starts to get dark I come in again and put on TV well I'm going to take people to the country and sometimes take them to the seaside and and uh I'll have a big loud speaker in the motor coach and tell them where abouts we are and and what we're going to do and what the name of the road is and
• 01:00 - 01:30 all about that when I get married I don't want to have any children because they are always doing naughty things and making the whole house un tidy and then I moved up to a comprehensive school I found it much bigger of course and I found it hard to settle into at first but now I've been here a few years I know my way around and it's a very good idea to have competition otherwise you might start to relax really and not so try hard enough and if you're healthy
• 01:30 - 02:00 and have good friends you can get on perfectly well but everybody would like to be rich being in set one it's very very hard to keep up with the leaders I never have a time to relax at all tell me about the period in your life when you went to University and what happened it was a very short period I was only at University well I was only taking University seriously for a matter of a couple of months two or three months uh maybe I went to the wrong University or maybe University life didn't suit me
• 02:00 - 02:30 either way uh I didn't make an application to Oxford um but I didn't get in and uh well I think that's that's in the past now and that's I don't know whether I would have been any happier at Oxford uh it it always had been a dream to get into Oxford I think because people had encouraged me and because I knew famous people having been to Oxford and I'd read Memoirs written by famous people things such as Brian's head Revisited which was was a great favorite
• 02:30 - 03:00 uh but these I suppose are well they were they were dreams of which I had while I was at school and um I have to get over the fact that I didn't get into Oxford probably because I didn't approach the thing in the right way are you bitter about it I was very very bitter at the time maybe I still am but I tried to to get over it I came to London and uh I contacted an agency for squatters and they were
• 03:00 - 03:30 able to um give me the address of uh somebody who was able to help people who were looking for a combination in the in the London area and by process of chasing people around I eventually managed to to to find this place I wouldn't squat in a place which I knew to be owned by by somebody else I wouldn't certainly because I KN I know if I had a place of my own and found somebody squatting in it I'd be disgusted but um this place was empty
• 03:30 - 04:00 and I I was simply offered a place to live here and was very grateful for it I think in in questions of squatting um bit of humanity is more important than vague rules about uh who can live well I've got my own room I can cook whenever I like I haven't got a land lady to tell me what time to come in I've got my own front door key and to tell the truth it's a lot better than lot of accommodation I've
• 04:00 - 04:30 had over the last 18 months or so it could be a bit warmer it's a bit chilly but um It's Perfectly satisfactory for the time being what sort of influence did your parents have on you well they made me believe in God from the start which uh I certainly wouldn't I don't know even now whether I do believe in God or not I've thought an over lot about it actually and uh I
• 04:30 - 05:00 still don't know but still this was absolutely certain one if one was to survive in the world one had to believe in God this is something which was taught to me um always think of other people first before yourself to a ridiculous um neurotic degree which I think affected me um what do you mean by it well this this this is I suppose is is basic Christianity uh the sort of um
• 05:00 - 05:30 if if somebody slaps you on one je let them do it on the other almost literally taken which I which gave me a few shocks and I tried to put it into practice in what way I don't think well to be Co honest to go back to that question I don't think um I was really taught any sort of policy of living at all by my parents this this is probably their biggest mistake I was just left to fend for myself in a world which they seem completely oblivious of and uh I found that even when I tried to discuss problems which
• 05:30 - 06:00 which were facing me in school um my parents didn't seem to be aware of the nature of the problem were they ambitious for you yeah but along set lines which they had planned I think they they've often said to me that they they had seen me even from when I was very young in a certain type of career and possibly they'd never even thought that anything else was vaguely possible they probably imagine I would be um maybe a university lecturer or um uh a bank manager or
• 06:00 - 06:30 something like this something uh some kind of indoor work which was uh which involved writing and reading and um this sort of thing because they didn't take account of the other side of my personality uh but question how how many wonder how many parents really think of their children as as individual human beings what your feelings about them now
• 06:30 - 07:00 your parents I'm glad they're there because if I ever become homeless I will be able to go back and live with them they wouldn't object to this uh I can I'm capable of getting on with my parents perfectly well if they are are willing to um to let me live uh as another adult in their house and um appreciate that I'm living my own way of life and that I am living there because I can't think anything else to do with
• 07:00 - 07:30 myself I mean what do they think of what you're doing now they accept it I think now they do accept the type of person I am and um they they see this is just as as simply my attempting to to add more experience to to my life which which satisfies me are they worried about you probably yes
• 07:30 - 08:00 but no more worried now than they were when I first left the university that was probably the time of which they were most worried and we have in fact managed to discuss a lot of personal things which um which I felt at one time I'd never be able to discuss uh and therefore as I say it is possible for me to live for a few weeks even for a month or so at home without without there being too much um friction
• 08:00 - 08:30 what goes through your mind when you look at those saw those two films when you at seven bright and perky and I thought hard to believe that I was ever like that but there's there's the evidence I wonder why I was like that I wonder what it was inside me that made me like that and I can see even at 14 and I was beginning to get more sub Juda and I was putting a lot more thought into what I was saying to a ridiculous degree um
• 08:30 - 09:00 and probably when I was seven I just I don't know I lived in a wonderful world where everything was was sensation and d i could be happy like this I could be miserable next minute and I didn't have to plan for the future I didn't have to worry about having friends and all this thing because everything was so mapped out for me uh I don't know what sort of stumbling blocks should be put in in a child's way uh to get him used to to living in the outside world cuz I think maybe this is this is
• 09:00 - 09:30 something that was wrong in my upbringing I didn't have enough obstacles to get over to to toughen myself against um I was unprepared for things as as they were but looking back even now I couldn't think of what might have been done and I certainly wouldn't start writing educational theory about this because I know how personal thing it is and it probably wouldn't work in anybody else's case would you like to be seven again no because I I know that I had to be 21
• 09:30 - 10:00 yes I at that age I was very conscious of um of having to struggle because I suppose what parents and teachers were saying well they were saying they said you've got a brain um you must put all your effort into school work uh well what else could they have said I would have probably been just as angry looking back if they if they'd never encouraged my my intellectual efforts at all when I get married I don't want to have any children be because they are always doing naughty things and
• 10:00 - 10:30 making the whole house un tidy do you have any great ambition any dream I suppose I yes well I would like to be somebody in a position of importance and I've always thought this um but I don't think I'm the right sort of person to carry the responsibility for whatever it is I always thought well I'd love to be possibly even love to be in Pol on do
• 10:30 - 11:00 you and Peter have the same values I think we both value happiness and stability I think most people do but you've kicked against the stability that's I don't think I ever had any stability to be quite honest I can't think of any time in my life when I ever did I don't think I've been kicking against anything I've think I've been kicking in midair the whole of my life simply to be able to wake up in the morning and feel
• 11:00 - 11:30 that this day was going to be worthwhile which is what I don't feel [Music] alone last 3 years I have in fact been unemployed but traveling quite a bit mostly in Britain in abroad once or twice but not as EX defensively as I as
• 11:30 - 12:00 I used to do thanks uh should I put the luggage in here or you want it in the back I live off money from Social Security which does me for my rent and my food I've been moving about a bit between different places really I'm bit unsettled but I'm very shortly moving to to live in in digs for the last 7 years Neil has been
• 12:00 - 12:30 moving around Britain he spent the summer on a farm in North Wales and when we found him he had just arrived in the western Highlands of Scotland and do you think people like you who live off the state of scr you no if the state didn't give us any money it would probably just mean crime and I'm glad I don't have to to steal to keep myself alive I do it simply because I don't want to be without anybody at
• 12:30 - 13:00 if the money runs out well then for a few days there's nowhere to go to that's just that's all you can do I simply have to find the the warmest shed I can find Neil rents whatever kind of home he can find the last job I had was cooking in a youth hostel there some some cleaning work as well and I was the only person in the hostel who could speak French so I have a bit of that do you eat every day yes yes I I'm eating
• 13:00 - 13:30 better now than I was uh at times when I was in abedine and those days sometimes I really was short of food there's a lot more to do uh in the mountains than there would be in a suburb or in in the city center what I found here in fact is that you don't you don't talk about things like the weather because um the weather is all around everybody knows it's been raining so you don't talk about the that makes that makes good sense to me I'm not the sort of person who can go into a pub sit down with a drink and listen to the listen to
• 13:30 - 14:00 the Jukebox and talk a lot of rubbish U some a lot of people find that very relaxing but if I'm going to talk to somebody a I have to be able to hear myself speaking and B I have to be talking about something that actually has a meaning uh I I don't I'm not trying to denigrate the way that most people relax but I I can't do that so I'm I'm lost in a noisy Pub uh I'll sit in a in a quiet corner of a quiet Pub and then I want to talk about literature or something like that which not everybody will want to
• 14:00 - 14:30 how do people regard you here well I'm still known as an eccentric as I have been since uh about the age of 16 or so do the days seem long for you they can do grew up against a background of um fairly of people of of pretty average
• 14:30 - 15:00 intelligence I don't think I went to a school that was full of right people if this had been the case I don't think I would have been so bigheaded I know I went to University expecting um to be something of a genius and found that this wasn't the case at all which is a good thing for me I mean it's very good that I didn't didn't come to that opinion I don't think I was so much clever I just think I I was quite enthusiastic particularly when it came to a levels I I was enthusiastic about the subjects I was I was studying and therefore with the help of good teaching I I was able to get good results what
• 15:00 - 15:30 were your results well I did well enough um I'm not going to boast but tell me tell me the fact how many o levels and how many a levels did you get I got I managed I got 10 o levels and then I got four a levels and did you get good grades within them yes the grades were quite satisfactory no formal education can prepare anybody for life just only only life can can prepare you for what it comes and somebody sooner or later you're going to have to cross certain barriers and I don't think you ever across those uh at school or or at
• 15:30 - 16:00 University you come across the problem of mixing with other people but the real problem I mean the real problem of of becoming a success in the world is is some you have to tackle yourself I I still I still set myself high standards if I'm doing something I want to do but that's that's important that's not that's not too bad a thing but you Tau all so about not having enough obstacles in your life how
• 16:00 - 16:30 do you feel about that now it's funny that isn't it I can't remember saying that but now I do remember and it seems that the whole situation is is reversed in what way well now I'm a I'm a I'm a free I I've got a free hand but I've got nothing to do with myself so great thanks I just needed just a nice w
• 16:30 - 17:00 b great what are the things about modern society turn you off the cheap satisfaction in so many things the aimlessness but I think the total lack of thought is is is at the bottom of it nobody seems to know where where they or anybody else is going and nobody seems to worry um you know you you finish you finish the week you come home you plug into the TV set for the weekend and then you manage to get back to work on Monday
• 17:00 - 17:30 and it seems to me that this is just a slow path to to uh a total brainwashing and and if you have a brainwashed Society then you're heading towards Doom there's no question about that it would be pretty tough to convince most people that what you have here the way you live the way you look is better than a Suburban life well I don't want to convince anybody I know it is you see what I look like isn't what necessarily what I feel like I'm not claiming that that I feel as though I'm in some sort
• 17:30 - 18:00 of Nirvana but I'm claiming that if I was living in a bedsit in Suburbia I'd be so miserable I'd feel like cutting my throat and so there is a slight difference we we made up quite quite well after um the bad times we went through when I was in my early 20s uh there there're still there are still awward patches but I think
• 18:00 - 18:30 suddenly it perhaps perhaps almost mutually it dawned upon us that um we were all making mistakes and and also that some of the things we did couldn't be helped and I think now perhaps the greatest thing we've achieved is is we know when to say nothing and we know when to do nothing and we know when to be tolerant of each other and that's a great thing that's really tremendous um I what I'd like most of all would be um
• 18:30 - 19:00 would be to be able to to do something for my parents when they older to be to be there when uh when the time is necessary were they upset with what you said about them in the last program I'm sure they were but I I I don't wish I hadn't said it because I said what was exactly what was going through my mind I think I was very venomous and I think I had I been in an easier situation myself
• 19:00 - 19:30 and had I had less worries myself at the time I would have been perhaps a little Kinder I had to take out my my anger on sub I think it came out of my parents um but perhaps unconsciously a lot of what I said was was what I did feel underneath but I I don't want the scar to to remain I I always told myself that um I would never have children why
• 19:30 - 20:00 because because well because children inherit something from their parents and even if my wife were the most um high-spirited and ordinary and normal of people um the child would still stand a very fair chance of being not totally uh full of happiness because what he or she will have inherited from me I don't think of God as a creature but I think of something um time Destiny which is
• 20:00 - 20:30 regulating everybody's Affairs and which you cannot you cannot fight against and you cannot order about and how's he been treating you well I said to somebody uh last week that I preferred the Old Testament to the New Testament because in the Old Testament God is very unpredictable uh and that's I think how I I've seen him in in my life sometimes
• 20:30 - 21:00 uh very benevolent sometimes seemingly needlessly unkind I don't see any way out I thought of everything I possibly could it seemed to me for a long time that getting a a reliable job and a nice place to live would be the solution well I haven't succeeded um I can't see any immediate future at all but here I am I'm still um I still got clothes on my back not particularly nice clothes but I've still got them um I I have a place to go
• 21:00 - 21:30 to uh I have some prospects of work I'm still applying for for jobs I haven't given up uh I think I think I'm lucky because I've met so many people I've worked with people who have no future whatsoever uh for whom life is finished completely at 50 and yet they still have to somehow keep going and uh I don't want it to to seem that I'm I'm complaining too much
• 21:30 - 22:00 I feel especially sometimes when I'm um on my own that I'm losing touch with the way other people live do you worry about your [Music] sanity um other people sometimes worry about it like who as I said I I sometimes can found behaving in in in in an erratic fashion
• 22:00 - 22:30 um sometimes get very frustrated very angry for no apparent reason for a reason which which won't be apparent to other people around me um it's happened from time to time have you had treatment I've occasionally had to see doctors yes I haven't had any treatment and what have they said to
• 22:30 - 23:00 you I've had a lot of advice but but you know the best medicine is is kind words and it usually comes from somebody who has nothing to do with the medical profession which isn't to say that that doctors can't can't be very helpful but really the thing a sick person wants is to be as away from doctors as soon as possible what did they say was wrong with well I have always had a nous complaint
• 23:00 - 23:30 I had it since I was 16 it was responsible for my leaving University and for some my difficulties with with work but as you know you you can't afford to go around looking depressed that in itself is bad enough so can you lick it it remains to be seen all the things I always thought I could do uh I could give lectures on on aidite subjects I'd read all about or I
• 23:30 - 24:00 could I could work in the theater uh perhaps lighting or uh directing a a show and is all that lost too does seem to be yes at 35 he's living in a council flat in the Shetland Islands nice thing about here is that you can
• 24:00 - 24:30 cut yourself off when you when you want because there are people living around but they're pretty quiet people it's an environment which sustains me it's one in which I can survive I still feel my real place is in is in the world of the world where where people are doing what the majority of people do um and the reason I don't feel safe is because I think I'm getting more and more used to this this this lifestyle um
• 24:30 - 25:00 which eventually I shall have to give up how do you manage for money these days Social Security still I wish it wasn't but uh I'm afraid it is I have no desire to be putting the taxes up and drawing money off people who who've earned it earned it themselves uh but that's the way it [Music] is Neil settled down in the Shetland Island a couple of years
• 25:00 - 25:30 ago hello Neil how are you is this community important to you nobody else here yes it has to be this is where I live um it it's been very good to me um people um have been especially kind in in many areas and I I'd like to be putting something back into it and we' be putting something back into the Hall of Shetland not just not just into into this area f um I'll take two PS of milk please there we are Neil and how's the pantomine then not so bad oh that's good
• 25:30 - 26:00 no traumas it's not on my part but um there's a few people could do with learn their lines of bet but you're all right well I shouldn't speak [Music] [Music] too The Village pantomime 1990 Beauty and the Beast [Music]
• 26:00 - 26:30 [Music] mat Matthew y your house sir is uh is needing maybe some repairs I think the attendance at last year's pantomim on the Saturday night was the biggest crowd of West of Shetland folk I've ever seen in one place and you know we pleased with that and we think they enjoyed it
• 26:30 - 27:00 we've had good receptions in other parts of Shetland as well we did T One play I think we're moving into an age when um there's going to be more stress on the community when bigger policies are fairly set are fairly predictable and that the the emphasis is going to fall on local organization you directed it last year and you're not this year why is that well the the specific reason is
• 27:00 - 27:30 that we had a preliminary meeting and I was my name was not put forward as the as the one um as one they wanted so why would that be probably because I like to do things in my own way um I'm perhaps quite an authoritative director I have my own idea of the the performance before we even start and I don't like people to deviate from that and during the course of reproduction of course people come along with suggestions no I I accept
• 27:30 - 28:00 suggestions I don't just go along without listening to people but I know how I want to think and once I deviate once from that idea the whole thing actually falls apart it's not a work of art anymore I'm not claiming that I've produced marvelous works of art but I do know what I'm aiming for Alas poor Master still sleeping shall I awaken him I think everybody wants to be somebody and when you can't actually be anything in your ordinary life if you feel there's a sphere in which you can excel then it's great I mean I know how much pleasure
• 28:00 - 28:30 people who take photographs get when their work is praised and that's you know perhaps it's much the the same thing just having a quick look at your plan as it stands what I have done i' I've taken lists of all the the community halls in Shetland with their capacity NE is trying to organize a professional touring Theater Company if a hall only seats 60 people it may not be worth um putting on a show there so I mean what was your response then to the fact that only poor folk turned up mean disppointed I was disappointed
• 28:30 - 29:00 but um I I think it proves the point that I've been trying to make that you can't just expect people to turn up for a group from outside Shetland when they don't know what the thing's about I've had an instinctive feeling I as a writer since I was 16 and never really wanted to be anything else I would actually pay to have something published cuz I think that's important I think I would I could find somebody who would recognize something there must be something in what I've done I don't I think it's all useless I I probably am overvaluing it but I know
• 29:00 - 29:30 how much effort went into some of it and on that strength alone I I I just can't believe it's useless with each successive play I don't know who I'm trying to speak to and um what I'm trying to say to them whether they're listening um I just keep going because that's what I feel I should be doing well it wasen too bad last night anyway it was better than it's been for a while I think there's enormous reaction to you in the previous film what did people seeing you you think seemed that I was representing some kind of successful escapism or
• 29:30 - 30:00 somebody who managed to be totally himself hadn't given in to pressure of society to conform and people flooded me with with letters and people seem to think I could solve their personal problems and I was quite frightened because I knew I couldn't but what what really bothered me was people seemed to see something in me that I hadn't been aware of myself all I was aware of was that I didn't have anywhere to go I had nothing to do I had no money um I felt let down by quite a lot of people um I
• 30:00 - 30:30 didn't think my life was a success but suddenly everybody seemed to think so but the most nagging thing was that whatever even if a million people had written to me it wouldn't have made any difference in my own situation well what how should we say Oh all but you know I mean there's always everybody always every unmarried man and suppose every unmarried woman hopes for for somebody who will um come along to to change their life but um the Practical reality is the chances of my finding somebody who could who would put up with me in my
• 30:30 - 31:00 in my Integrity is are you know our few uh so what would you look for in a woman well I I might look for various things but what's probably more important is what somebody would look for in me I I can't offer reliability I mean I think most women looking for a husband or a um a steady man want somebody who is is reliable in some way or other I cannot offer that CU I don't know what I'm going to be like from one day to the and it would be foolish me pretending that you know that I could
• 31:00 - 31:30 offer something like that I can offer sincerity I can offer um compassion um willingness to S of to do my part to to put my wife's interest as high as my own um no doubt these are I'm sure these are important but I I cannot say look you know in 10 years time I'll still be bringing a wage in especially if I don't start in that situation uh are you you're getting better or worse do you think your States I don't think there's
• 31:30 - 32:00 any significant change in the sort of I I said I hadn't been so depressed since I've been in chetland um I said my basic personality is not a lot different are you having any medical treatment for your mood changes no I haven't for many years because I wouldn't like to be dependent upon man-made substances for for the Cure do you ever think you're going mad oh I don't think it I I Know It uh I yeah well cuz
• 32:00 - 32:30 we we're not allowed to use the word mad but um you know I think I think most people are mad here really um but then I think it's a mad world U I think I mean I remember I remember working in London 12 years ago and just walking through the city and they were digging up the drains and there were cranes knocking down buildings and there were cars trying to get down impossible narrow alleys and having to reverse out again and policemen doing all kinds of things and
• 32:30 - 33:00 I thought this this world is just mad you know this is this world is just mad well after after I tried every remedy one could possibly think of for my my personality disorders um I thought well I'm going to trust God because other people have done so seemingly with um with positive results I can't say the moment I trusted God my life was fine and I can't say all the time that I think i' I found the answer but um I can
• 33:00 - 33:30 say with some certainty that once I started believing that there is there is actually a God who has something of a a design for the world who is working in a certain way in the world after that some things became clear to me I really can't say much much more than that so do you think you have failed can't really judge do you feel you failed
• 33:30 - 34:00 yourself well my life isn't over can you think what you'd like to be doing in the year 2000 I can think all kinds of things I'd like to be doing the real question is what what am I what am I likely to be doing um what are you likely to be doing and
• 34:00 - 34:30 that's a horrible question um I tend to think the most likely answer is that I'll be wandering homeless around the Streets of London but um with a bit of luck that would happen some of the considerable disadvantages that residents of the trobridge state area have in comparison with those and other parts of Hackney I think the time between my moving to London from Shetland and
• 34:30 - 35:00 actually finding my own accommodation London must have been around about 2 months and all that time I stayed with Bruce was that difficult not at all he he was a model host although he did always insist on measuring the amount of bath water there was in the in in the bath I'm not quite sure why that was um I never actually found out I hope you don't mind me saying this but um you know like um he'd find the fridge a bit noisy to turn it off or if I had to Mo you'd walk around the block or well I
• 35:00 - 35:30 didn't I didn't stay in no no no that's true that's true that's a thing no I accept that I wasn't the the model l in every way and um however that just only emphasizes how patient you actually was how has Bruce helped you well just didn't he's just been a good loyal friend I suppose yes well I would like to be somebody in a position of importance and I've always thought this um but I don't
• 35:30 - 36:00 think I'm the right sort of person to carry the responsibility for whatever it is I always thought well I'd love to be possibly even love to be in politics on first of all they are geographically isolated they're separated from most of Hackney by um at 42 he's a liberal Democrat member of Hackney Council consider he was elected two years ago to that from which while I was in Shetland I felt very strongly that I should become involved in politics simply because I felt I was not achieving
• 36:00 - 36:30 anything in the ways I really I really wanted to and I could see decisions being made politically by people I felt were not competent to make them and who I felt were not representing the majority of the public and I felt angry I thought in my my own small way I've got to get in there and I think more people should I think uh it's only apathy which leads to bad government at any level it's like a million miles away from the Shipman here how have you coped with that that is one aspect of it and
• 36:30 - 37:00 certainly adjusting to London after all that period away even though I'd been back occasionally for visits was extremely difficult and it would became progressively easier the first 6 hours were an absolute Nightmare and then the first week was pretty bad and I suppose it took me a year or so to adjust the question of longterm sickly delegation um as you'll be aware chair the liberal Democrats oppos do you have any nerves when you stand up and give speeches or make arguments or
• 37:00 - 37:30 defend position yes of course and if I didn't it would be wrong and um the council who has no nerves he's not not doing his job um it become slightly easier after the first time and I'm glad you didn't record my first speech because most of the chamber walked out and I'm I I determined liked Israeli to say something like well you're not listening now but one day you will hear me but unfortunately most of the chamber had already walked out so it was hardly worth saying that and also I don't believe believe that will necessarily be the
• 37:30 - 38:00 case I've trained to be a teacher of English as a foreign language being on a number of training courses I done an open University degree that was the perhaps the longest of all it was an open University ba uh I took a number of subjects this is old background I suppose and really perhaps you'd like to know whether I've done any work and the answer is is no another one there we are oh there'll be plenty in the next few
• 38:00 - 38:30 weeks I I know all Neil's political work is voluntary like the canvasing he did for the liberal Democrats at last year's Winchester byelection he lives entirely on state benefit I haven't had any paid work apart from a couple of interim government schemes I worked in a local community theater for about 6 months I I worked as a garden fairly inevitably does it why are you living off benefits living off the state yeah
• 38:30 - 39:00 of course I I feel as I'm a drain on people who are working hard to provide the money it's not that I don't think there should be a benefit service um I think there should be work for all or for as many as want to do it and I'm not satisfied with efforts that that have been made to provide work for those who who want it well I'm not married I I value all experience and um I I I I feel this part of my life hasn't
• 39:00 - 39:30 happened um I'm not homosexual therefore I do hker after a stable relationship with a woman U I've never been able to achieve that and I think I'm somehow deficient in um uh my ability to react to certain of the needs of others through not having had that relationship my Health's been a lot better more recently than at other times in my life maybe being busy has been has been part to um The Cure
• 39:30 - 40:00 um and I think I think my Christian faith has helped me can I just say now um many thanks for the prayers they were really nice they were thoughtful I also believe that as my friends who've been so loyal have got to know me better and better and there's always room for getting to know people better that they themselves have been able to show support and sympathy in the most appropriate ways
• 40:00 - 40:30 is this a good time in your life yes probably I've never been busier and never been in contact with so many people now the one thing I do have to say is please put all the Le right to the letter boxes y I feel incredibly grateful for the opportunity to do what I'm doing I'm grateful to the people who elected me I hope I haven't let them down I hope I will be reelected and that depends upon my performance in the last two years in may he was reelected for another
• 40:30 - 41:00 term I don't think there's a counselor in the country who wouldn't like to see themselves as an MP and they say every politician wants to be prime minister um but I'm quite happy at the moment doing my Council work trying to serve what I perceive is a very great need in hacking well I suppose I've done many more things than I than I than um on previous occasions but but whether I've changed inside I can't say [Applause]
• 41:00 - 41:30 [Music] what's the most enjoyable thing in life for you at the moment I think he's looking to the Future so I didn't expect to see you driving Neil well neither did I mean he'd ask me that question a few years ago I I would have been surprised well it was my brother's
• 41:30 - 42:00 wife's car and fortunately she was about to change vehicles at the time and um they let me have it without charge which was really a very magnanimous gesture at 49 Neil has left London moved to Cumbria in the northwest of England and become a member of The Local District Council thank you chairman fairly simple it was a committee decision a majority decision his own group on the establishment committee agreed with the decision councilor
• 42:00 - 42:30 Hughes well for Council n's information councelor cook has reconsidered his um the opinion he ventured at that meeting I'm a liberal Democrat I'm standing for the County Council for this seat which is uh which is 400 square miles in size it's a huge uh huge constituency and this is only one of the 84 seats and who has the seat at the moment it's it's a conservative Council at the moment big majority significant
• 42:30 - 43:00 there's a lot of work for me to do if not this time maybe next time what are the chances this time I'm doing my best funnily enough when I first came up here um I was considering giving it up all together but after only about two days after that just got involved again so maybe maybe it's impossible to give up politics well I have a great deal of respect for the liberal Democrats but I think that I won't vote for them this time because I vote for Mr mlan and in particular he's keen on to preserve our
• 43:00 - 43:30 way of life in the country with hunting in particular well it's going to very disadvantaged us because we've changed our farming policy since foot and mouth when go to Da House well certainly more people vote perhaps they see the impact on their lives more starkly than people do in the city I found in in in London many parts of London there's a huge apathy because it seemed um like they used to say it doesn't matter who you vote for the government always gets in so I mean when I saw you 7 years ago you seemed content happy in London so why
• 43:30 - 44:00 the change I neither felt that I was satisfying the community around me nor did I feel I was satisfying myself and that that was obviously not an ideal situation at 42 when Neil first arrived in London from the Shetland Islands he lodged with Bruce I've had little contact with Bruce we've exchanged one or two letters but maybe ours was a friendship which flourished and it was a genuine friendship in the circumstan es in which we found ourselves in London I
• 44:00 - 44:30 think that's what happens in life that you people you're close to and then circumstances drift you apart and you find other people and you you you wonder now and again what's happening to them and hope they're all right but that's what happens in life how's your health it's probably very good at the moment and this living in this rural setting is obviously healthy than living in the middle of a of a city there is less stress I ended up with a former Council flat
• 44:30 - 45:00 which is nothing luxurious but I was lucky to get it and as soon as I could see the The View out of my window across a stream and trees and the hills in the background I knew I was in the right place I know that many people say they feel closer to God in the countryside um I wouldn't want to be simplistic about it but because one is much closer to Natural Life it one's therefore much
• 45:00 - 45:30 closer to the Springs of [Music] Life ISR remembering Jim and Anne and Bruce and Julia and uh dor and dorine as well and also I was first a l reader in and we pray that after completing a
• 45:30 - 46:00 little more training I was relicensed by the the bishop of carile nature is lovely nature is made by God but it's love gives me the peace of mind to accept when things don't go the way they want to politics can be a very bruising game I will maintain my faith I will continue to trust in God yes I'm I'm absolutely sure that my faith has helped me through these difficult times would you ever having a career in the church while I have a dedication to
• 46:00 - 46:30 the church I I haven't experienced what I call a calling into the priesthood or anything of that kind so so the answer is no at the moment when I grow up I want to be an astronaut but if I can't be an astronaut I think I'll be a coach driver if the state didn't give us any money it would probably just mean crime and I'm glad I don't have to to steal to keep myself alive Neil spends one day a week doing
• 46:30 - 47:00 voluntary work for Oxfam burner can you tell me why people keep putting non-class I enjoy doing this it's so it's relaxing I love books and I enjoy the company here as well you can't I'd much rather have a full-time job where I was being paid but because of the council work I do I I really want a job in the rest of my time that isn't too stressful well these are all $6.99 new so I'm putting them in at $199 I get just over £200 a month allowance for being counselor on top of
• 47:00 - 47:30 that I get £9 a week job Seekers allowance and because I'm entitled to the job Seekers all I get my housing benefit as well which pays my rent I did some teaching of French uh to young children last year for a while and that was very useful income while I did it well my father died 5 years ago I do feel however that I'm a little nearer to my mother since since then um but both geographically and and possibly emotionally it's never been an easy
• 47:30 - 48:00 relationship and I'm not claiming that everything is is healed now but um I feel I can speak to my my mother and do you miss your dad I um I had a great relationship with my father when I was much younger my relationship with him did deteriorate as I got older I sometimes felt that he' made the wrong decision in advice he'd given me or things he'd done but then you know
• 48:00 - 48:30 obviously he had his his own life to lead and just a few months before he died we went together to a cricket match where we had what I I knew would probably be the last long talk we would have because he was dying at the time then and I felt that we were both relaxed because we were doing something we enjoyed doing which was um relaxing in the sunshine and and watching sport so I felt that some some way of some bridging of the Gap did take place that day no I've never married and I don't
• 48:30 - 49:00 have a girlfriend at the moment um and I've it's one of the regrets of my life actually that I I've not met um somebody of the other sex I I I thought I could have a more permanent relationship with um but but I I'm probably not the easiest of people to get on with I did have one girlfriend for close on 2 years so maybe I'm not as completely hopeless a character as um as
• 49:00 - 49:30 might might appear to be the case I do you miss a physical side a sexual side in your life well I'm I'm a a physical person so um I imagine I could be happy in a a lasting um relationship with with somebody but you have to make do with with with the reality and there there are many things that might have happened in my life that that haven't happened and there is little point in in in in being regretful and and and angry about
• 49:30 - 50:00 that you seem to have such much stronger sense of purpose to your life that you've had before I see that that life comes once and it's quite short and you have to appreciate what's good in it and if I could just tell us a short story I was just sunbathing and I I a butterfly landed quite close to me with beautiful Wings deep red colors and white sort of circles on them and I these these creatures don't last very long but it landed very close to me it
• 50:00 - 50:30 wasn't it didn't seem frightened and it just seemed to Delight in opening and closing its wings and just just actually being beautiful for that period of time enjoying the sunshine and perhaps there isn't actually any more to life than that than just being what you are realizing that there that life goes all around and there are millions of other living creatures who all have to find their part as well