The Secrets of Rituals and Protocol in BDSM (better contracts!)

Summary

Highlights

• Protocol provides a guide for behavior and expectations within a BDSM relationship, enhancing clarity and structure. 📚
• Rituals are special actions with intentional meaning, enriching the emotional depth of BDSM practices. 💞
• Communication and mutual understanding are key in establishing and evolving protocols and rituals. 📢
• Balancing the number of rules and rituals ensures they remain significant and avoid becoming routine. ⚖️
• Personalizing rituals and protocols to fit individual needs fosters a more meaningful connection. 🧩

Key Takeaways

• Protocol is your roadmap to navigating agreed-upon behaviors in BDSM. 🚥
• Rituals add flavor and depth to BDSM dynamics, grounding them in emotional significance. 🕯️
• Both Dom and Sub need to understand and agree on their roles to avoid misunderstandings. 🤝
• Too many rules and rituals can overwhelm; it's essential to integrate them gradually. 🐢
• Reflecting on relationship dynamics is necessary to keep them alive and engaging. 💭

Overview

Chapters

• 00:00 - 00:30: Introduction and Overview The chapter titled 'Introduction and Overview' introduces the topic of rituals and protocols within BDSM or D/s relationships. The presenter, Evie Lupine, expresses excitement about discussing the subject, acknowledging that while some audience members are eager to learn more about these practices, others may still be unfamiliar with BDSM or D/s dynamics.
• 00:30 - 05:00: Rituals and Protocol in BDSM This chapter begins by addressing common misconceptions about the terms 'rituals' and 'protocols' within the BDSM community. Initially, these terms might evoke thoughts of magic or military strictness to those unfamiliar with BDSM. The purpose of the chapter is to define these concepts in a BDSM context, providing clarity and understanding.
• 05:00 - 10:00: The Difference Between Rules and Protocols The chapter discusses the concepts of rules and protocols, especially in the context of relationships or agreements. It highlights the importance of finding what works best for individual goals and relationships. In the context of kink, rituals and protocols have specific meanings and purposes. The chapter references Lee Harrington, suggesting their teachings on these subjects are highly valuable. The main takeaway is to understand and utilize these concepts to enhance personal and relational interactions.
• 10:00 - 15:00: The Role of Protocols This chapter explores the concept and function of protocols, defining them as pre-planned guides for behavior or reaction in specific situations. The text provides an example within a dominant-submissive relationship, where a protocol might dictate that the submissive should respond with 'yes sir' without making eye contact when given an order.
• 15:00 - 20:00: Challenges with Protocols The chapter titled 'Challenges with Protocols' discusses the protocols within power exchange relationships, particularly where a submissive asks for permission before performing basic actions such as going to the restroom. This protocol is intended to guide the submissive towards behaviors desirable to the dominant. It serves as a mechanism for dictating or clarifying specific actions and behaviors. The chapter hints at the familiarization of those already aware of power exchange dynamics and contracts with these protocols.
• 20:00 - 25:00: Introduction to Rituals The chapter introduces the concept of rituals, comparing them to rules and protocols, which are utilized in forming relationship structures. Popular culture references such as '50 Shades' and 'Love and Leashes' illustrate these concepts, particularly through scenes involving contracts that blend rules and protocol. This forms the basis for people interested in power exchange relationships, emphasizing the importance of a contractual agreement in these dynamics.
• 25:00 - 30:00: Defining Rituals in Relationships Defining Rituals in Relationships - This chapter explores the significance of establishing defined rituals and guidelines within a relationship. It discusses how having a set guide or contract can formalize a relationship in ways that social media or traditional symbols like wedding rings may not fully encompass. This structured approach involves rules and protocols that provide a framework for how the relationship should progress and function.
• 30:00 - 35:00: Examples and Applications of Rituals A rule is usually direct and to the point, like 'you will not do X' or 'you will do X'. It can be specific like addressing a dominant as 'Sir'. It doesn't involve exhaustive protocols or responses, focusing instead on clear and concise directives. This contrasts with rituals, which may encompass broader and more detailed processes.
• 35:00 - 40:00: Adapting Rituals to Relationship Goals In this chapter titled 'Adapting Rituals to Relationship Goals,' the focus is on the difference between rules and protocols in a relationship. Rules are described as ongoing and always active, providing a baseline structure and expectations for the relationship. Protocols, on the other hand, are activated in response to specific circumstances, adding more clarity and detail to the established rules. They give more flavor and guidance on how to act when particular situations arise, thus helping in adapting rituals to meet relationship goals.
• 40:00 - 45:00: Conclusion and Viewer Engagement The chapter discusses the importance of establishing detailed protocols in relationships where one partner is submissive. It illustrates this with an example of a rule and its corresponding protocol: the submissive must drink eight glasses of water per day, and the protocol requires them to send a picture to the dominant after finishing each glass within a specified time frame and wait for approval before refilling. This emphasizes the structured communication and engagement between partners involved.

The Secrets of Rituals and Protocol in BDSM (better contracts!) Transcription

• 00:00 - 00:30 hello everyone my name is Evie Lupine welcome back to my channel and today I have another video for you all today we're gonna be talking about rituals and protocol and I imagine for some of you you heard that and went oh my gosh yes finally I love talking about this I can't wait to hear more and for those of you in the audience I don't really know maybe so much about BDSM or DS relationships yet
• 00:30 - 01:00 you might be going wait rituals protocol wait is this like a woo-woo magic thing or like a military Kink thing like what's happening there and to be fair I think that's a pretty common reaction when you think of ritual and then you think of protocol those are typically some pretty disparate vanilla activities that come to mind so we're going to clarify exactly what these terms mean in a BDSM context and go over how you can
• 01:00 - 01:30 use them to improve your relationship using them in a contract finding which versions of What work best for you and your goals and so so much more so let's talk about it so in a kink context what do we mean by ritual and protocol so my way of viewing these two things comes from Lee Harrington and by the way if you ever see Lee Harrington teaching near you please take the opportunity they are so so good but my definition for protocol comes from Lee Harrington
• 01:30 - 02:00 and the way that he defines it is as an algorithm of what to do in a specific situation what should be undertaken when something comes up in other words a protocol is a pre-planned guide for how you should behave or react when particular situations come up so for example you might have a protocol where when your dominant is giving you an order you are expected to say a prompt yes sir without making eye contact or maybe if you have bathroom room control
• 02:00 - 02:30 is part of your relationship when you are in the dominance presence the protocol is that as the submissive you ask permission first before going to the restroom and the dominant can then say yes or no and the way that protocol is generally used is it is meant as a way to guide the submissive towards behaviors and actions that the dominant wants and clarifying how they should be doing certain things and if you are already familiar with power exchange and contracts you're probably thinking this
• 02:30 - 03:00 sounds fairly similar to a rule and they are similar in that both protocols and rules are used as part of forming a relationship structure if you've ever seen movies like 50 Shades or love and leashes if you have seen the contract seen in those almost always those are rules and some protocol mixed in and for people that want a power exchange relationship having a contract tractor
• 03:00 - 03:30 some kind of set guide for how the relationship is supposed to go is a really big deal it is one of the most common ways you can make a relationship like that official in a way that you can't really on Facebook or with a wedding ring and of course we do have colorings and other things as well but at that beginning stage a contract can be very important and rules and protocol work together to give that contract structure to outline exactly how that is going to be done and how the relationship is meant to go but to my
• 03:30 - 04:00 mind though they work together they are slightly different things so a rule is typically much more direct and to the point it doesn't really have a lot of fluff around it it's much more like a rule is you will not do X or you will do X or rule will be something like this emissive will only address the dominant as Sir rather than a whole protocol of how to actually do that and how you should respond when you're being spoken to a rule can also be thought of as a
• 04:00 - 04:30 sort of standing order where the rules are always active and ongoing throughout their relationship at all times unless otherwise specified whereas a protocol is more activated it comes up when something particular happens and then you do the protocol in response to that thing occurring another way to think about the relationship between rules and protocol is that rules are used to give the relationship Baseline structure and expectations and then protocols give those Baseline expectations more flavor and more clarity on how to actually do
• 04:30 - 05:00 them so for example you might have a rule where the rule says the submissive will drink eight glasses of water per day that doesn't really tell you how to do anything with that though right the protocol that goes along with that might say whenever this emissive is finished drinking a glass of water they will send a picture to the dominant between the hours of 8 AM and 12 am or something and then they will wait five minutes before getting approval before refilling the glass or or something like that
• 05:00 - 05:30 basically protocol Works to allow you to know more about how to actually do the rule so that way you don't get stuck in wondering okay how am I supposed to actually do this because a rule can seem very clear and obvious on paper but until you refine it with protocol it can be very easy to get lost and even though some rules and protocol are very closely linked together not all of them are like a really common rule for people is to have a rule that says the submissive will always treat themselves with
• 05:30 - 06:00 kindness okay how do you turn treating yourself with kindness into a protocol well you'd look at the intention behind the rule and then find a protocol to match with that so for example maybe as part of your structure you have a daily diary that you keep and so you might have a protocol that says every day when the submissive is writing in their daily diary they will include one thing they like about themselves at the top of the page and that can be a good way of adding in additional ways to meet the
• 06:00 - 06:30 rules and structure you want to create without making everything super bulky or having like 50 different things you're supposed to keep track of that don't necessarily really connect with each other and so protocol is a really good tool to have in a relationship because it allows you to get through those initial questions of like how am I supposed to do this when am I supposed to do this how do I know I'm doing it well how do I know that I have succeeded because many Subs like myself we tend to be more on the perfectionistic side of
• 06:30 - 07:00 things and so if we don't know how to do it exactly right we are going to twist ourselves into pretzel knots trying to figure out how to make that happen and then you spend all your time worrying about how to do the thing and then not actually doing the thing which is not very productive and for submissives it is very helpful but also protocols and rules do not have to be just for the submissive the dominant can also use protocol as a way to clarify what their position in the relationship looks like
• 07:00 - 07:30 so you might have a protocol where for example you have that diary again and maybe it says in a protocol the submissive will complete their feelings diary by 8 pm on Friday and then the dominant will review their diary and they will complete their review by Sunday at 8 pm so that way you know what the Dom is supposed to do in the relationship and both people know what their expectations are I feel like when you have a contract that is one-sided which I know sounds weird because aren't
• 07:30 - 08:00 contracts like supposed to be one-sided but really when you think about it as a guidebook for the relationship it makes sense that everyone involves going to have their own roles clarified when you don't have that Clarity already for the dominant especially it's very easy to go off the rails get off the wagon not keep up with what your expectations are when you don't even know what they're really going to be for yourself and then you know ahead of time okay this is what I'm supposed to do here and here and here and then you as as the dominant are not
• 08:00 - 08:30 losing track of what you're supposed to do to keep up your end of the bargain to make that power exchange still feel like a power exchange and if you're not clarifying that if you are not saying how you were going to respond in kind to certain Behavior or certain things you want your partner to do then your partner is probably going to make assumptions about like okay if they're doing this then they're probably going to be doing this and then if you make enough of those assumptions at some point you're probably going to be making a mistake and then when things don't
• 08:30 - 09:00 happen the way they expect to like of course you would review my diary give it back to me by Sunday at 8pm if you don't clarify that and then you and your head are thinking I'll get back to it when I get back to it like it Monday Tuesday somewhere in there it's all fine like that can cause a lot of disruption so talk about it first clarify those expectations and get on that same page so that way you don't have any erosion of the relationship because your sub doesn't trust you anymore because you're not keeping up with yours opposed end of
• 09:00 - 09:30 the bargain that wasn't really ever clarified and while rules and protocol can be very helpful for a relationship structure it's not the be-all end-all to be clear it is very common that when you start doing this as you develop a contract add rules add protocol you go yes I'm finally doing it I'm doing the thing I'm getting to do what I've always wanted to do and then two weeks later a month later you're like wait a second it used to be really fun
• 09:30 - 10:00 to call my partner sir but now it kind of just feels like their name it doesn't really do anything for me and then also it used to be so kinky to eat food on the floor out of a dog bowl but now it feels the same as eating from the table or eating at the table actually feels more taboo what's going on here I thought finally getting to have this amazing wonderful contract would make me feel like I'm just always submissive 24
• 10:00 - 10:30 7 have all this energy to do all these subby things all the time and just have contented Diaz Bliss from now on and you know there are some people where everything just gets right into place they click together and then they go off into several decades of like semi-permanent Subspace Bliss and we can only dream of that happening reality is though after a while your kinks your rules your protocol they're probably
• 10:30 - 11:00 going to start feeling fairly mundane if you're not staying actively aware that they're going to feel normal because it does become part of your normal life that is part of making Diaz a regular part of your relationship on a 24 7 or even on a weekend basis but how can you avoid that lifestyle creep how can you avoid making it seem too normal on an everyday basis more vanilla than you really want it to be I would say and I sound like a broken record here the number one thing you can do with rules
• 11:00 - 11:30 and protocol is to go slowly add these things slowly over time pace yourself yes you can treat it like a buffet and run through and get a whole mountain of 50 different things that you want all at once right then and if you do that you're gonna have food it's probably gonna taste fairly okay but you're gonna have a lot of extra that you don't really like or don't really want to eat now because you got so full from the whole Mountain that you collected for yourself I think if you treat rules
• 11:30 - 12:00 protocol relationships in general as more of a slow building experience like maybe a seven course fine dining experience you can slow down really Savor each little tiny bite roll it around in your mouth go hmm this would pair with this kind of wire that kind of Beverage savor it for how it is right now be actively aware in that moment with that enjoyment as it currently is and then move on to the next thing now
• 12:00 - 12:30 what else can you do to add more flavor to your relationship I think this is where rituals come in and I think rituals are really the unsung hero of contracts and DS relationships because I don't really know a lot of people that use a lot of these in their relationship it tends to be very sporadic and I can see why because ritual sounds very like woo and spiritual like it can be a lot of people do use the concept of a ritual to enhance their spirituality or to
• 12:30 - 13:00 connect their Kink and their spirituality together but it doesn't have to be that way I think four rituals how I would Define it going back to Lee Harrington's definitions a ritual is an action that you perform that enforces a value or purpose of some sort and that can be kind of vague like that's a lot of different things and rituals can be a lot of different things but thinking about it a different way I think a ritual can also be a set of prescribed
• 13:00 - 13:30 actions that you do with some kind of meaning and intention behind them and that intentionality is so important for what makes a rich a ritual versus something else like just a mere thing that you happen to be doing and I think rituals are this last key in a series of three things that really ties a relationship together and gives it that life in that structure I think Step One is the body that is rules that's guidelines that's having Baseline really
• 13:30 - 14:00 solid expectations and having a foundation then you have the mind which is protocol that's more like Clarity and giving awareness of what you're doing then finally have a ritual which is more about the emotions and it's the heart of everything it is about that feeling and reconnecting to why you're doing what you're doing on that deeper personal more vulnerable level again versus just like merely going through the actions and going through the motions so to see
• 14:00 - 14:30 how rituals protocol rules all of that flows together I want to go back to an earlier example the one that we did about drinking water so again the rule is that you have to drink a certain number of glasses per day then the protocol is when you finish a glass you must do this particular Behavior now when you want to make your ritual that ties all this together think about what did you want to get out of that experience what are you doing this all for and for the submissive they want
• 14:30 - 15:00 this because they want help developing healthy habits and the Dom likes being their caretaker so thinking about that intention thinking about what you want to get out of it I think an example of a ritual here could be every Friday at the end of the work week when the submissive comes over they will clean their usual glass mindfully that they use that week and they will clean it out with complete total awareness and then once they are done cleaning it it's dry they will find
• 15:00 - 15:30 the dominant present the glass to them while kneeling keeping their eyes Down cast and they will say thank you for helping the property take care of itself and then the dominant will receive the glass they will kiss it they will kiss the sub's forehead and then they will dismiss the sub to do whatever else it is they want to do on that Friday night so as you can see a ritual is typically a lot more involved it's a little bit longer has more steps to it than a rule or protocol does a rule typically or
• 15:30 - 16:00 protocol as well is more for day-to-day regular things right like food or dress habits or how you speak whereas rituals are more about special things they're more on special occasions they are less regular they are meant to be more occasional like every week every month something that though it takes more effort and time to do and remember to do is isolated and doesn't happen quite as often and the way that rituals
• 16:00 - 16:30 work to help combat that feeling of being mundane is because they are less regular they can really help you be mindfully aware on both sides of of the slash of what you're doing why you're there what your purpose is and having that moment for connection that maybe you don't otherwise have on a regular basis outside of maybe text messages or talking on the phone or something every night depending on how your relationship is structured and if you live together and things like that but ritual really helps with that intention with that
• 16:30 - 17:00 mindfulness and helps you stay in touch with why you're doing what you're doing and I think it's really good for reconnecting especially if you haven't necessarily had a super great week to keep going with those rituals and have that moment to check in and go okay this is what we're doing this is why we're doing it and having that emotional tune-up and check-in can really help you keep going when other things maybe haven't been quite so regular and if you do a ritual and it still doesn't really shake off that feeling of monotony that's typically a sign it's a good
• 17:00 - 17:30 opportunity to check in with the relationship and if your structure and what you're doing with it is really working for you still now even though rituals can sound quite magical and they're amazing and they're wonderful and they can be they are by no means a Panacea they are not the be-all and all but oh finally the key for making my relationship work like the actual way that a relationship works is the hard work you put in every single day but
• 17:30 - 18:00 like so many other new Concepts within BDSM when you start doing it and you get introduced to you go ah yes the solution now I want to do all the rituals with all of the things since slow down before you do that don't go there yes they can be really fun but definitely do not do too many because it can end up becoming overwhelming and then if you have like 17 rituals overnight you're not gonna remember all of them you're not gonna know how to do all them perfectly like go slowly take your time because what is way worse for
• 18:00 - 18:30 a relationship is not having no ritual at all but having way too many not doing them and then feeling like your relationship isn't very important because one or both of you is not maintaining the structure or staying aware enough to remember to do that because if your Dom is always forgetting this one thing you're supposed to do that eventually makes it feel like what you're doing as the sub is not actually that important and I don't think there is a hard and fast rule about this but for the sake of giving everyone a
• 18:30 - 19:00 guidepost what I think is a sustainable amount of rituals to have is probably not more than four times a month or maybe twice a week at the most I would say if you have an average amount of rules I'll say like 1 to 20 rules in your relationship I would say having about one ritual for every five rules or protocol is a good step to go with and if you have a lot of
• 19:00 - 19:30 rules because you like a lot of very firm clear structure and a lot of detail maybe have it be more like one to seven or one to ten somewhere on there because if you already have a lot of rules adding even more things to do on top of that you might not have enough time to really keep up with everything else realistically I think you can still use rituals if you have more of a relationship where it's like okay we have the shared values we act on those
• 19:30 - 20:00 values and expectations around maybe things like generosity or honesty or transparency okay you can use ritual to reinforce those shared values and then I think a one-to-one ratio depending on how many you have makes more sense because you can use the ritual as the tool for being mindfully aware of those shared values but how do you know which rituals or protocol would work best for your relationship I think for protocols
• 20:00 - 20:30 I like to go through a series of questions number one is what do I want to get out of this what is my intention emotionally what do I want to be green scene with this number two is what do I need to clarify what do I need to know in order to be able to execute on my expectations properly and then finally for three I would ask what can I do with this that helps me reinforce my relationship structure the style we have or my favorite kind of role play that we
• 20:30 - 21:00 do so if you're into abdl or 1950s housewife stuff or kitten play or anything like that that can really help you take a base level of rules that are really common for people like saying sir or getting water and then turn that into something that really suits you individually and reflects and reinforces what you want to get out of that relationship and then for rituals I think much more about not particular questions but more about underlying
• 21:00 - 21:30 values and goals of the relationship and then how you can use ritual to make that come up and be more prominent on an active basis in your Dynamic so maybe for example you have a value that you share around transparency or self-esteem those can be pretty different things and can affect how you want to develop a ritual around a certain thing in your relationship so let's say let's go back to the diary example if you want to use transparency for that and you want to
• 21:30 - 22:00 have that as a reinforcement tool for that value you might end up say having a scenario where drink a ritual you have the dominant read the submissive diary out loud to themselves on a regular basis as a way of acknowledging and kind of keeping them accountable for what they say in that and basically saying hey I see you fully I hear you fully everything that you are I am fully aware of and thank you for that vulnerability in that transparency whereas if more
• 22:00 - 22:30 what you want is self-esteem growth the potentially humiliating Act of reading out a diary or a feelings Journal that might be too far for that so instead you might end up having the dominant read that diary in private sign off on it put a sticker on it or something and then give it back to the submissive at the end of that and then they say something like you are worthy or thank you for your trust or you are fine just the way you are something to reinforce what you actually want to do and basically don't try to make
• 22:30 - 23:00 something that is one size fits all that you're not very one size fits-all relationship it is all very unique very individualized as it should be these should be designer relationships and also I feel like a lot of the examples I've been giving so far have all been very like stuffy formal like yes sir the water glass is kneeling no eye contact and you don't have to do that I'm saying that because I think that is what most people recognize as being like
• 23:00 - 23:30 contractee or power exchangee but rules protocol all of this can just be fun it can be silly it can be about the joy you have in the relationship it can be about messing around and having fun like it can really be whatever you want it does not have to be stuffy formal step one step one a subsection two like do that if you like but if you don't like that don't do it have it be silly have it be a reverent do what reinforces your
• 23:30 - 24:00 relationship that can be rules protocol rituals whatever or nothing like that whatsoever and with that being said I think that's about everything that I have to share today about rituals and protocol I hope this helped you all figure out more about how to do this in a relationship how rules protocol and ritual all flow together I would love to know all of your thoughts feelings opinions things you do that work for you I would love to know all of that in a comment down below
• 24:00 - 24:30 if you did enjoy this and you've not already please do subscribe because I make videos twice a week but all sorts of Kink and BDSM related subjects and then finally if you want to support what I do the best you're gonna do the patreon link to that will be down below if you do already tomorrow there thank you so so much it means the absolute world to me and until I see you all next time I hope you have a great yesterday and a great rest of your week bye
• 24:30 - 25:00 [Music] thank you